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r Any old inventor can Invent wire less telegraphy now. All praise to the venerable jurist who bas upheld the sanctity of our vermi form appendix. Unfortunately Abdul Hamid turned bis face the other way when he signed that acceptance. It is all right to have the Kaiser think that his navy is superior to ours, Bo long as he doesn't set out to prove it. There would be fewer foolish tidies bn the parlor chairs if it had not been for the man who invented the sewing machine. Not since old man Weyler took hold b few months ago has King Alfonso Indulged in the pleasure of boxing the ears of his ministers. The Sultan lias tiled another of his fair, sweet promises, and the powers will now go about their ordinary af fairs, trying not to notice, when he breaks it Some people organize turf invest ment companies and others unload common stock. There are all sorts of ways of separating the plain people from their savings. The escapade of Crown Princess Louise is said to have netted Professor Giron oül). Tills will cause a slight limp in (lie balance of trade in the title-trading business. The man who is said to have taken bis own life through love of rare books might have lived to a ripe old age bad his love extended to the contents ®f tile volumes lie gathered. Tin- Pittsburg Iiispatcli rises to sug gest that tl*,* best way to administer a shock to water is to pass a genuine «nti-Cusi law and enforce it. Why has lnAu.dy thought of this before? Tlie people in Ibis country may be a tritie crude and cause those of our for «ign representatives who are taking to court dress to feci ashamed of us. but we fear they are too firmly "sot" in their views to lie moved. Mr. Verkes now explains t liât lie is *'not in England to make money," but to "do something for London." In place of the word "for" read "to" and ndd to tin« tirs I statement "for others" and you will have Mr. Verkes' meaning clea r. An examining pliysieian of a boys' reform school in Maryland says that if you cannot close your eyes and touch the tip of your nose with your finger quickly you are crazy or weak minded. Thank heaven.' We have just made the trial and have discovered our sanity. Washington closed his farewell ad dress with the expression of u hope that on ids retirement he might have "the sweet enjoyment of partaking * * * the benign iutiueuee of good laws under a free government, the ever-favorite object of my iieart, and the happy re ward, as 1 trust, of our mutual cares, labors and dangers." lie was not dls Hppohite 1. and those who have come alter h in li.ive profited by his dangers, labors and cures. T lie tanner who reads of the great coi pi trat ii ms that hear so important a part in the eouimereiul and industrial world of to-day Is very apt to think of himself as outside the pale of those who exert a controlling Influence on the community at large. And yet in this as sumption in* is far from the fact. The time never was in the history of this country when the farmer occupied the prominent and important position as concerns his relations to the city that he occupies to-day. The city was never more absolutely dependent upon the country than now, and the degree of that dependence Is steadily Increasing. The co-operative wedding present Is a new idea in Great Britain, where the fact that servants and tenants on es tates cluh together and send one hand some gift seems to have suggested to somebody that friends might do the Bailie. Thus one of the January brides was presented with a diamond orna ment, and friends of a bridegroom uni ted to buy him an automobile. The American bride sometimes exchanges her duplicates; hut that is not always convenient, und It tends to provoke mis understandings. She, too, *»111 rejoice If the new fashion spreads, so that, In stead of piekle-dishes and the like, she may look forward to something sub stantial, such as a house and lot. To the person who has a little money, who can save a little more, and who wishes to increase his hoard as fast as safety will permit, these rules are commended liy the best tiuaueial ex perience; Don't spend it; don't lend it. Don't trust it to strangers without security. Don't invest it to earn more than 4 or 5 iter eent. No amount of financial genius can improve upon these rules, or does Improve upon them. The Wall street normal return from safe Investment Is 4 per cent. Many "gilt-edged" stocks and bonds pay less, yet are eagerly sought by the shrewdest investors. Heal estate mortgages in New York are placed at 4 ] /j per cent in large sums and 5 per cent in small ones. There Is plenty of money offered at these figures. Yet several "get-rich-qulck" concerns, a of a to counting their victims by the thou sand, have been exposed in New York, Chicago and St. Louis in a few weeks. The "brokerage firm" which promises 300 per cent profits by blind pool in vestments has only knaves for owners and dupes for clients. ! Never to prophesy unless one is sure 1 of his facts is a good rule to follow. If the lute Major D. 11. Vinton had follow ed this rule when he was sent to the ! Pacific coast in 1840 the people of San Francisco would not now be laughing 1 at him. He said then in n report to his : superiors that there were natural ob stacles to the growth and permanency of San Francisco as a commercial cen ter, and declared that no military depot ought to be erected there. He thought Benicia, which now has about three thousand population, would mnke a good port of entry, doubtless preferring It to San Francisco. It is only fair to the memory of Major Vinton to say that his colleagues In the army agreed with him. There are a lot of people in this world to take a fiendish delight in be ing miserable and in making others feel that way, too. Some men. and some women, too, surround themselves with an atmosphere of gloom that eter nal sunshine couldn't dispel, and through this distorting medium mole hills grow to mountains and there are tears nnd groans where there should be smiles. They wake up in the morn ing with a face that looks like a sod den doughnut, nnd perhaps the sun is bright and the birds are singing. They will grumble and'say, "Oh, well, this won't last: we'll have bad weather yet before night." And should the sky grow clouded nnd a refreshing rain moisten the thirsty earth, they shout in glee, "I told you so." When they sit down to breakfast they almost sour the cream they put in the coffee, and tlie most tempting breakfast does them about ns much good ns a carpet tack sandwich would. They grow dyspep tic, morose, pessimistic, cynical, hypo chondriacal nnd get to be downright j nuisances. Maybe you have a cynic In your employ. You can spot him with your hands tied behind you and your eyes shut. He has the blues with out reason, is depressed without cause, from Monday morning till Saturday night. Ile will tell you that he always gets tlie worst of It from everybody, that ids efforts are not appreciated nor his talents recognized, and fill you full of a heap of nonsense like that, and, if you are not careful, you will begin to believe him ami get that way yourself. After tlie cynic lias been Mue a certain length of time lie reach es tlie brooding stage, and any man that broods over real or fancied wrongs Is ns dangerous as "the lean and hungry Cassius." He is not sane; the outside world is mirrored through a faulty glass, nnd 99 times out of 100, lie is a poor workman, whether he digs a dlteli or manages n big business. Why? Just because he thinks too much about what other people think of him and Is so afraid that somebody else is going to be shown preferment over him that he hasn't time to do ids work tlie way It ought to be done. He deliberately destroys his own effi ciency and chances of success, and the very misfortunes that lie imagines will some day fall to his lot actually come to him nnd all through his own doings. Then he goes about among his friends and snarls out bis woes and worries, till every one begins to feel that the world would lie better off without him. If you ever get to feeling blue about tilings stop and think what It will mean if you keep It up, nnd then pin your mind so hard on your daily task that there Isn't room for.another thing in your head. That's the way to keep • lie haunting spirit of pessimism nnd despondency out of-your heart. And remember the world lias no tune to listen to your troubles, for every one lias troubles of his own, and the chances are that a good many have n great deal heavier burden to bear than you have. BRAVE DEEDS OF CHILD HEROES ! oy of Five Karim the Award of Kn Kllah Royal Humane Society. Bravery does not belong alone to the man or the woman. Children some times reveal exceeding great courage and daring, so much so that one won ders whether they realize what risk» they are taking. A splendid example of child courage was shown by lit tin Leonard Webber, aged 5, who has tho honor of being the youngest person who ever received the award of the En glish Royal Humane Society's oertifl cate. His baby brother fell into the water, and tlie other boys present rat away to get help. But little Leonard Jumped Into the stream without best tation and managed to bring the drown Ing child to shore. The award was made in an official manner, and the ad of this mere baby praised and held up ns a good example for older people tc follow. Another boy in England, 7 years old, was in a small boat with several other people, one day last summer, when tlie craft upset and all were thrown Into the water. The lad, instead of losing his presence of mind, remembered that his swimming teacher had told him that in ease of emergency to lie flat on his bnck and float. This he did, while two little girls held to his legs and a smaller boy rested his head on the breast of the plucky youngster. In this way all four floated until help arrived, which was fu'ly five minutes. What makes the coolness of tills siunll boy the more remarkable is that a grown man ami two young women who were in the boat failed to keep their heads, and conse quently were drowned. The less faith a man has In himself the more explaining he has to do. If a to is j n tc of WHY SOME MEN FAIL. My song is this: Why some iuen miss In life their chosen goal— They seek to fill, with half tlie will — A plan that needs tlie whole. They sow the seed on mount and mead, And wait to see it spread; While, half concerned, they leave un turned Tho clod upon its head. They waste in play the light of day, Knowing that there will come, At even-fail, the welcome call —To eat the unearned crumb Tims down tlie tide of life they glide, In poverty and pain, Leaving undone, from sun to sun, The things that lead to gain. But when the last lone hope is past, No more to light their way; And all is lost—they learn the cost Of doing tilings halfway. —Success. •F'F'F'F-F'F'F-F* •F *F I The Wrong Woman. | ~;-*F-F-F'F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F*F+-F-F*F-F-F-F-F - F-F-F-Fv IIE Massons had come from II somewhere "back East,* their ^ neighbors would have told you, and were "stuck up." Everybody could see that from the smart trap they drove and the feathers on Mrs. Masson's hat. Nobody could have told you of a specific instance of their stuck-up-ness, but as the neighbors all agreed,, when a fellow—and a young fellow at that—held twice as much land as anybody in the valley, be was bound to feel his oats. Consequently, the Massons were severely let alone by tlie Middletowners, nnd not given a chance to "lay it over" anybody. At first tlie Massons looked upon their ostracism from the Middletown church socials and school picnics as a huge joke, and regarded the narrow minded farmer folk around them as of about the same Importance as tlie Jer sey cattle in their pasture, and the Brigadier stock in their stables. But after a time—when the novelty of country life was quite worn off; when tlie smart trap had clattered over every available foot of llie great, mountainous valley; when tlie varying seasons were no longer new—a little m i>N W'f V -, <sLiS '""V no. M. — a "you don't look well this morning." human intercourse began to seem a sweet and needful tiling. But the Massons did not know how to break down the barrier of feathers and sil ver-mounted harness. Jack Masson could not pull up his horse in the mid dle of the county road and talk an hour or two about the liest time to plant pumpkins, or the cheapest rem edy for hog cholera, because his horses were too mettlesome to stand. Mrs. Masson could not send her children to the public school, and thereby show ber friendly feeling, for the simple rea son that she had none to send. Therefore was the ostracism of the Massons complete. Then, when the price of wheat began to drop, life on a great Western grain rancit began to show its sterner side. Masson found he could got along without Ills fore man by doing the work himself, and by degrees dropped into looking out for the machinery, devising means of saving labor, superintending the care of the horses, and even, in emergen cies, taking a hand himself in any thing that was to be done. In the house, matters were similar. As, year after year, the price of wheat con tinued to drop, the little chafing dish arts, practiced on cozy evenings among her congenial Eastern friends, were called into use, nnd "A Practical Cook Book for Beginners" bought aud dili gently studied. As with each season's harvest con ditions became worse, the smart trap censed to he seen on the county roads, and the offending feathers became drabbled and were not replaced by new ones. Thrown hack upon them selves for entertainment nnd diversion, the Massons found, to their surprise, how- uninteresting they had become to each other. Books, to a man harassed by the care of an unprofitable ranch, had no charm; and music from ltnnds stiffened by housework lost its mel ody. Hard manual w-ork roughens a man's disposition and manners, but Masson was not the man to notice this degen eration in himself. Isolation from con genial company and a want of Interest hi her surroundings makes a woman careless of her appearance; nnd long watching over a sear and yellow ex pense of grain fields burns hair and complexion, of whatever hue, to a sal low, towny sunburn. And Masson was the man to notice tills change in his wife keenly, and feel aggrieved. At length, after tlie tenth, long, dry summer in this sun-scorched, sun cursed valley, things reached a crisis. Their domestic tranquillity was dis turbed by a rupture caused by tlie in tolerable monotony of their lives set f.lug down on their nerves. Then, after more days, more discontent, more des olation, there was another rupture, un til the existing state of affairs could be endured no longer. It was then Julie Masson w-rote for the little niece who had been the flower girl at her wedding to come out and spend the winter with them. The prospect of having n child in the house, albeit a borrowed one, put new interest into both their broken lives. They grew less indifferent to their manners and appearance, and even tried to establish a better understand ing with each other—for the child's sake. The trap was overhauled and repainted, a pony was bought, and a kitten was saved from the drowning for a pet for 'Lisbeth. But when 'Lisbeth arrived, with the added w-eight of ten years upon her curly head, she was not the little tot they had left behind them ten years ago, and that they, in their blindness, had still expected to see. Elisabeth was now a woman, and keenly alive to the fact. Julie Masson took 'Lisbeth to her arms, as she would have taken any human soul for the sake of compan ionship, but there was still an ache In lier heart for the child she hnd ex pected to see. And Elisabeth, in her turn, took her aunt, lier aunt's hus band, aud everything on the ranch, straight to her heart. And every live creature about the place felt the spell of her presence; the dear little pigs, tlie cunning little chickens, the sw-eet little calves, all brought gurgles of delight to her lips. Tlie mettlesome horses Masson himself had difficulty in mounting were cajoled by sugar and kisses into carrying her safely. The great St. .Bernards were un chained and allowed to romp with her through the halls. The out-of-tune pi ano was banged and thumped from morning till night, and buoyant, bub bling springtime reigned supreme all winter long. The trap, as smart and new as ever, was again heard clattering over the roads, for Jack somehow seemed al ways able to find time to show 'Lis beth the great rolling valley, now growing fresh grains and young again under the touch of the winter rains. If Jack had to go down to the village, 'Lisbeth had to go, too, because she was tlie only one who could hold Prancing Billy steady. If he had to ride horseback over the fields, still 'Lisbeth must go aloug, because Black bird went so much better if some one rode Dick. And it was surprising, to Mrs. Masson at least, how many ex cursions of the sort seemed suddenly necessary. As Julie Masson watched them day after day, starting off together, Jack's shoulders growing straighter, his step brisker, his maimer gentler, the ache in her heart took a different form and grew deeper. And when she met them on their return, 'Lisbeth sparkling and dimpling and Jack gallant and gentle, she sighed for her old desolation a deux. That Julie seemed to grow frailer and thinner since Elisabeth's arrival, instead of better, as they had hoped, Jack did not seem to notice. In fact, nobody seemed to notice Julie much any more. 'Lisbeth was sweet and thoughtful enough when they were alone together, but 'Lisbeth was not shrewd enough to keep lier aunt from seeing her ear was atruned for a cer tain step on tlie walk, a certain whistle clown the road, a certain voice in the hallway. She felt her superfluity with a poignance pressed down and run ning ovep. "You don't look well this morning, old girl," Masson surprised her by say ing one morning, when Elisabeth was kept in her room by a cold and they were eating their meal in cheerless silence. Dredging her memory for some rea son to which to ascribe this sudden solicitude on his part, she forgot to answer him. After a moment he re pented his observation—casual enough in itself. "You are not looking well this morn ing, Julie." Miss Masson looked up quickly. Was this tlie first time during the winter lie had noticed her ill looks, she won dered. "I am as well ns usual," she an swered, quietly, still wondering at his sudden Interest. The meal was finished in silence. They had so long ceased to pretend to have a common interest that it was not necessary to sham. The child, as she insisted upon calling 'Lisbeth, had not seemed to notice their attitude to ward each other, or had accepted it as a matter of course between people who had been married ten years, aud did not know—or did she know?—it was her presence that was widening the breach. This was the question Julie asked herself every day as she watched her niece and her husband, and the lines around her mouth grew haruer as she slowly formed an opin ion. A few hours later Masson rode hack to the house. "You looked so bad at breakfast, old girl," and again site tried to think his tones rang true, "I brought you some fine mushrooms to tempt your appetite. These are the first of the season; 1 found them around the irrigating ditch." Throwing his find on the table and springing back into the sad dle, he was off. Julie watched him out of sight. Was this the old Jack she had thought lost to her, or was it a new Jack she had scarcely allowed herself to suspect of being? As she looked off over the acres of isolation that spread on all sides about Iter, her eyes took on that hard, inscrutable look that had come iuto them these recent years. It was late when Jaek came home that evening. He did not whistle as he came down the road. Julie was ; is a a composed enough to ask herself— "Why?" He found the house cold, the fires were out. The dogs cowered dumbly around the steps. The shades were drawn on all the Windows Julie, cold and inscrutable, pset him at the stoop. "What! you?" lie cried: ''what's the matter? How's 'J*isbethï" Julie led him si »ntly ii to the house. "Elisabeth is de«U," she told him, simply; "as the child hid not much appetite either, I gave 1 er the mush rooms you so kindly brought to me." Her eyes herd his steadily. "They were not mushrooms—and the child is dead."—San Francisco Argonaut. QUEER CENSUS FACTS. Clerks Come Acroa Many Curiona Namen in the t hedulea. "I have heard a good many curious names in my life," remarked a census clerk a few days ago, "but I never ran across such a motley and amusing collection of appellations as appeared on one of my schedules for the black Louisiana farmers. They run like this: Major Goforth. Sallie Bowlegs, Witey Putcham, Virginia Choice, Bird Scrog gins, Cauly Garden, Early Jones, Mon toe Birdsong and Rush Record. If the names are as applicable to the indi viduals who possess them as Dickens' names are to his characters, there« must be an interesting company em ployed in the cotton and cane of Louis iana. When I lose my position in the Census I think I will go down there and organize a vaudeville company." "The occupations of people amused me more than anything else on those old population schedules," said an ex clerk of the Census, as she recalled memories of the merry punching days. "I punched one man who was a tomb stone agent, another whose occupation was gathering mud, another who con sidered traveling for health an occu pation. 1 hardly knew whether to mark him a commercial traveler or not. The most curious of all was the man who was a pauper by trade and had a partner." "I had no idea there were so many twins in the world," said one of the population punchers, "until I worked on those census schedules. Why, there was hardly a day that I did not come across two or three pairs and some times more. The biggest record I ever had for twins was 15 pairs. You see there was a card punched for every person enumerated, and I averaged more than 1,000 cards a day. I did not have anything to do with the names, of course, but I often noticed iltem just for amusement's sake. Twins' names were always so inter esting. Tlie two which impressed me ts being the funniest of all were Adam and Eve. 1 made a list of the com panion names which particularly pleased me. I thought it would be a -food thing to have in case It ever fell to my honor to name twins. Some of the sets are: Laurel and Myrtle, John and Juno, Inez and Cortez, Ivadel aud uadel, Alvin and Alva, Gladys and Jttys, Wesley and Lesley, Maudia ind Claudia, Edna and Edgar, Veta md Vera, Otha and Ora, Lona and Mona." Regarded as a Delicacy. The general living in Russia, except hat of tlie muzhik, is described by Mr. Barry, iu "Ivan At Home," as per laps a bit too unsubstantial for West ern ideas, but on the whole fairly sup portable. Tlie muzhik's liking for ; lease, in his food is carried to the ex reme. I remember, writes Mr. Barry, once railing the attention of one of the footmen to the candle, which was not troperly fixed into the.candlestick. He ery simply righted the matter by tak ng tlie candle out, putting it into his uoutli, and biting half an inch off, •vhich he swallowed and ^emed to '»joy. To show that the muzhiks are not •articular as to what they drink, 1 oust mention the case of a man who vas nearly ruined by their taste for letroleum. He had made a contract to light a uburlmn village with petroleum. One .norning lie eanie to the director of be department with a very long face, md announced that he must give lip iis contract and forfeit the money paid. "Why do you want to give up your •ontract? I thought the price of pe troleum was going down," said the director. "Yes, so it is," responded Ivan. "It is not the price that frightens me." "Then what is the matter?" asked the director. "Why, you see, excellency, as fast as I put the petroleum into the lamps the pigs of muzhiks come and drink IL" A Loud-Talking Telephone. Among recent French inventions Is the loud talking telephone. By its usa a speaker's words are transmitted to the other end of the connection with all of their original force, and that, too, while thé speaker and the listener need not disturb themselves to go to the telephone. That is. a man may sit in his easy chair, puffing away at a cigar, or may even be in a room ad joining that containing the transmitter, and talk to another man at a distance, who may be conducting himself sim ilarly, with as much ease and distinct ness as though they were conversing face to face. Undoubtedly. Townly—Hello, Hayri*! Is the sleighing good out in the country? Hnyrix—Gosh, yes! 'Tis when we liev enny. Uniforms Too Light. The tight-fitting British uniform Is alleged to be the cause of much heart disease among soldiers. I SON WAS MOURNFULLY LATE | •F-F4 - F4-4"F4H - F-F-F-F-F- F -F-F-F4-4 - FF4 - F4- t The old farmer died suddenly, so when Judge Gilroy, his only son, re ceived the telegram, he could do noth ing but go up to the farm for the fu neral. It was difficult to do even that, for the judge was the leading lawyer in -, and ever-y hour was worth many dollars to him. As he sat with bent head in the grimy little train which lumbered through the farms, he could not keep the details of his cases out of his mind. He had been a good, respectful son. He bad never given his father a heartache; and the old man died full of years and virtues, "a shock of corn fully ripe." The phrase pleased him. "I wish to tell you," said the doctor, gravely, "that your father's thoughts were all of you. He was ill but an hour, but his cry was for 'John! John!' unceasingly." -**•' "I|_ I could have been with him!" said the judge. "He was greatly disappointed that you missed your half-yearly visit last spring. Your visits were the events of his life," said the doctor. "Last spring? Oh, yes; I took my family then to California." "I urged him to run down and sea you on your return, but he would not go." "No, he never felt at home In the city." The judge remembered that he had not asked his father to come down. Ted was ashamed of his grandfather's wide collars; and Jessie, who was a fine musician, scowled when she was asked to sing the "Portuguese Hymn" every night. The judge humored his children and had ceased to asjk his father to the house. The farmhouse was in order and scrupulously clean; but Its bareness gave a chill to the judge, whose own home was luxurious. The deaf old wo man who had been his father's servant sat giim and tearless by the side of the coffin. "Martha was faithful," whispered the doctor, "but she's deaf. His life was very solitary. The neighbors are young. He belonged to another generation." He reverently uncovered the coffin, and then with Martha went out and closed the door. The judge was alone with his dead. Strange enough, his thought was still of the cold bareness of the room. Those hacked wooden chairs were there when he was a boy. It would have been so easy for him to have made the house comfortable—to have hung some pic tures on the wall! How his father had delighted in his engravings, and pored over them! Looking now into the kind old face, with the white hair lying motionless on it, lie found something in it which he had never taken time to notice be fore—a sagacity, a nature fine and sen sitive. He was the friend, the com rade, whom he had needed so often! He had left him with deaf old Mar tha for his sole companion! There hung upon the wall the photo graph of a young man with an eager, strong face, looking proudly at a chub by boy on his knee. The judge saw the strength in the face. "My father should have played & high part in life," he thought. "There is more promise In his face than in mine." In the desk was a bundle of old ac count books with records of years of hard drudgery oh the farm; of work in winter and summer and often late at night, to pay John's school bills, nnd to send him to Harvard. One patch of ground after another was sold while be waited for practice, to give him clothes and luxuries which other young men in town had. until but a meagre portion of the farm was left. John Gilroy suddenly closed the b rnk. "And this is the end!" he said. "The boy for whom he lived and worked, won fortune and position—and how did he repay him?" He knelt on the bnre floor, and shed bitter tears on the quiet old face. "Oh father! father!" he cried. But there was no smile on the quiet face. He was too late.—Youth's Companion. Eggs Exported from Egypt. A remarkable feature of Egyptian trade is the great expansion In the ex portation of eggs. According to the Egyptian customs returns, the total quantity shipped during the first elev en mouths of last year, January to No vember inclusive, was 04.262,500, val ued at £E.75,t»50, England taking 58, 724,000, Germany 683.000, Austria Hungary 2,205,000, France 2,109,000 and Italy 75,500. The exports during December also. It Is understood, were exceptionally enormous, England be ing a large buyer. As a result the price of eggs is rising in Egypt. Egyp tian eggs are said to be gradually oust ing Russian eggs from the English market. The Man Who Rose. "An old college chum of mine located down this way several years ago," said the Eastern tourist. "He was rather unscrupulous, but bound to rise. VVe considered him a good man to tie to. Jenkins, his name was-" "Ah, yes," replied the Texan. "We considered him 'a good man to tie, too —to tie to a tree. Oh! he rose all right* "—Philadelphia Press. Just a Reminder. Guest—I used to come in here several years ago. • Waiter—Yas, sah; an' I sarved yo'. Guest—That so? I don't rejuember you. Waiter—But yo' useter; yas, sah, •bry time yo' us» ter reuif tuber me, sah. -Philadelphia Press.