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Marshall County Republican. (Plymouth, Ind.) 1856-1878, May 24, 1867, Image 6

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PLYMOUTH, IXDIAXA.
HOW THEY POP TI1E QUESTION.
The Nor M I like j our rig ;
And tnough ! noiict d many.
I really think you are, old girl,
A trim craft a any.
And If jron'll only say ine wont.
Through every kind of weather,
J ant bla-t my timber if we don't
Go cruiftinjt on together."
The poet, w ith enraptured gaze,
Point oat a single star
Tis thu, sweet lady, that you shine
On mortals from afiir.
Bat ah t It is my fondest hope
Thorh eltlh, I mnt own
That in none modt. Tine-w. eathed cot
You'll shine for me alone.1'
The danclnff-niaster French, of course
Think earnestly of mat;o?.
And seeks some lowly widow with
A bow excrutialin?.
Madame, ze heart is in ze hop;
Yon love a leefle beet.
And ro xe way of life wiz ma
Madame, I keen your feet t "
The actor q notes from many play.
And nweitrs by all the power.
Hin hand hall build his Aniia'.telle
A cot aroon the flowers.
Without her smile i.e e'er U like
A ship withont a rudder;
Then talk of dark despair and death.
Until he makes her shudder.
And Pat, the coachman, wii:ks at Bid,
As she flits from room to nxim.
The ever merry chambermaid.
With dusting-pan and broom.
He aays : Me dartlut, when we've laid
Us by a hape of money.
We'll git the pra.-te to tic the knot.
If you'll say yes, me honey."
Says Hans Von Schmidt, wuo keeps saloon,
i w::nt a tjuter frow.
To help me make dcT laer pier.
Und milk der prind'e cow ;
To make mine shirts and cook de krout.
Und ehcry lins to do ;
To feed der horse und slop dur peesf.
Und tend mine papies too."
And even Sam, the barber nan.
At Nan rolls up his eye.
And talk of matrimonial bit
With moft heart-rend in? si-;h.
If you don't pub that lily hand
To rti 'ere lub-sick nijrser.
He puw dis pistol to him head.
And den h;iu pulls de U-yjer.
Tis thni mankind rush to their fate,
Vor with a brilliant lirUt,
That little elfin btrin? Love,
lias power beyond the tdirht.
Like children's harks, adowa the falls
To waters still below;
Some glide atoru; without a heart
And some to ruin o.
Curing: a. Cold.
Sir. Mark Twain gives Lis experience in
curing his cold in so quaint and unique a
style, that we copy it in full lor the bencftC
ol' our readers :
It is a good thing, perhaps, to write for
the amusement of the puMic, but it is afar
higher and nobler thing to write for their
instruction, their profit, their actual and
tangible benefit. The latter is the sole object
of this article. If it prove the means of re
storing to health one solitary sufferer
among my race, oflighting up occe more
the fire of hope and joy in his faded eyes, of
Dnnging dock to his eieaü heart again the
quick, generous impulses of other days, I
ball lie amply rewarded for my labor ; my
soul will be permeated with the sacred de
light a Christian feels when he has done a
good, unselfish deeeL
Having led a pure and blameless life, I
am justified, in believing that no man who
knows me will reject the suggestions I am
about to make, out of fear that I am try
ing to deceive him Let the public do itself
the honor to read my experience in doctor
ing a cold, as herein set forth, and then fol
low in my footsteps.
When the White House was burned in
Virginia, I lost my home, my happiness, my
constitution and my trunk. The loss of the
two first named articles vas a matter of no
great consequence, since a home without a
mother or a sister, or a distant young female
relative in it, to remind you, by putting
your soiled linen out of sight, and taking
your boots down off the mantle-piece, that
there are thoe who think about you and
care for you, is easily obtained. And I
cared nothing for the loss of my happiness,
because, not being a poet, it could not be
possible that melancholy would abide with
me long. -
But to lose a good constitution and a bet
ter trunk were serious misfortunes.
On the day of the fire, my constitution
succumbed to a severe cold caused by undue
exertion in getting ready to do something.
I suffered to no purpose, too, because the
plan I was figuring at for the extinguishing
of the fire was so elaborate, that 1 never
got it completed until the middle of the
following week.
The first time I began to sneeze, a friend
told me to go and bathe my feet in hot water
and go to bed. I did so. Shortly after
ward, another tnend advised me to get up
and take a cold shower bath. 1 did that
also. ltmn tne nour another mend as
sured me that it was policy to 'feed a cold
and starve a fever. I had both. So I
thought it best to fill myself up for a cold,
and then keep dark and let the fever starre
awhile.
In a case of this kind, I seldom do things
by halves ; I ate petty heartily ; I conferred
my custom upon a stranger who had just
opened his restaurant that nioruinr; he
waited near me in respectful silence until I
Jiad nnisned leeding my cold, wnen he in
quired if the people about Virginia were
much afflicted with colds ? I told him I
thought they were. I le then went out, and
took in his sim. I started down toward
the office, and on the way encountered an
other bosom friend, who told me that a
quart of 6alt water, taken wann, would
come as near curing a cold as anything in
the world. I hardly thought I had ro 'in
for it, but I tried it anyhow. Tbe lesult
was surprising, l Delieve 1 threw up my
immortal soul.
Now, as I am nvinr my experience only
lor the benefit of those who are troubled
with the distemper I am writing about,
feel that they will see the propriety of my
cautioning- them against following1 such
portions of it as proved inefficient with me.
and acting upon this conTiction, I warn
them against warm fait water. It may be
a good enough remedy, but I thick it is too
severe. If I had another cold in the head,
and there were no course left rue but to take
euner an earxnquaice or a quart or warm
salt water, I would take my chances on the
earthquake.
Aiter tue storm which had been raging
in my stomach had subsided, and no more
good Samaritans happening along, I went
on borrowing handkerchiefs again and
blowing them to atoms, as had been my
custom in the earlv stages of my cold, un
til I came across a lady who had just arriv
ed from over the plain?, and who said she
had lived in a part of the country where
doctors were scarce, and had from necessity
acquired considerable skill in the treatment
of simple 'family complaints.' I knew she
ihusi nave naa uuen experience, ior snerp-
peared to be a hundred and fifty ycar3 old.
She mixed a decoction composed of mo
lasse, aqua fortis, turpentine and various
other drugs, and instructed me to take
wine-glass full of it every fifteen minutes.
I took but one dose; that was enough
it robbed me of all moral principle, and
awoke every unworthy impulse of my
nature. Under its malign influence my
brain conceived miracles of meanness, but
my hands were too feeble to execute them
at that tune, had it not been that my
strength had surrendered to a succession of
assault from infallible remedies for my
- cold, I am satisfied that I would have tried
to rob the Graveyard.
Like most other people I often feel mean.
and act accordingly ; but, until I took that
medicine, I had never revelled in such
supernatural depravity and felt proud of iL
At the end of two days I was ready to go to
uoewnug ui. a wo m lew more uniail-
ing remedies, and finally drove my cold
from my head to my lungs.
I got to coughing incessantly, and my
voice fell below zero ; I conversed in a
thundering bass, two octaves below my na
tural tone ; I could only compass mv rcgu
lar nightly repose by coughing myself
uown to a state oi utter exhaustion, ami
then the moment I began to talk in my
sleep, my discordant voice woke me up
again.
My case grew more and more serious
evervday. Plain gin was recommended ;
I took it. Then gin and r"lasses; I took
that also. Then gin and ouious ; 1 added
the onions, and took all three. I detected
no particular result, however, except that
I had acquired a breath like a buzzard's.
I found I had to travel for my health. I
went to Lake Bigler with my reportorial
comrade, Wilson. It is gratifying to me to
reflect that we traveled in considerable
style ; we went in the Pioneer coach, and
my friend took all his baggage with him,
consisting of two excellent silk handker
chiefs, and a daguerreot pe of his grand
mother. We sailed and hunted and fished
and danced all day, and I doctored my
cough all night. By managing in this way,
I made out to improve every hour iu the
twenty-four, lint my disease continued to
grow worse.
A sheet bath wa9 recommended. I had
never refused a remedy yet, and it seemed
poor policy to commence then; there-tore,
1 determined to take a sheet bath, notwith
standing I had no idea What sort of an ar
rangement it v is.
It was administered at midnight, and the
weather was very frosty. My "breast and
back were bared, and a sheet (there ap
peared to be a thousand yards of it) soaked
in ice water was wound round me until I
resembled a swab for a Columbiad.
It is a cruel expedient. When the chilly
rag touches one's warm flesh, it makes him
start with sudden violence and gasp for
breath just as men do in the death agony.
It froze the marrow in my bones and
stopned the beating of my heart. I thought
my tune had come.
loung llson said the circumstance re
minded him of an anecdote about a negro
who was being baptised, and who slipped
from the parson's grasp, and came near be
ing drowned. He floundered around,
though, and finally rose up out of the
water considerably strangled and furiously
angry, and started ashore at once, spouting
water like u whale, and remarking, with
great asperity, that " One o' these days
some gen'lman's nigger gwyne to git killed
wid jes' such dam foolishness as dis !"
Never take a sheet bath never. Next
to meeting a ladv acquaintance, who. for
reasons best known to herself, don't see vou
when she looks at you, and don't know you
when she does see you, it is the most un
comfortable thing in the wohl.
But, as 1 was saying, when the sheet
bath failed to cure my cough, a lady friend
recommended the application of a mustard
plaster to my breast. I bcüeve that would
have cured me etlectuallv, if it had not
been for young Wilson. When I went to
bed, I put my mustard plaster which was
very gorgeous one, eighteen inches
square where I could reach it when I
was ready for it. But young Wilson got
hungry in the night, and ate it up. I never
saw anybody have such an appetite ; I am
confident that lunatic would have eaten me
up if I had been healthy.
Alter sojourning a week at Lake Bigler,
went to Steaintxjat borings, and beside
the steam baths, I took a lot of the vilest
medicines that were ever concocted. They
would have cured me, but I had to go back
to Virginia, where, notwithstanding the
variety of new remedies I absorbed every
day, I managed to aggravate my disease by
carelessness and undue exposure.
I finally concluded to visit San Francis
co, and the first day I got there a ladv at
the Lick House told me to elrink a quart of
whisky every twenty-four hours, and a
mend- at the Occidental recommended pre
cisely the same course. Each advised me
to take a quart ; that made half a gallon. I
did it, and still live.
.Now, with the kindest motives in the
world, I offer for the consideration of con
sumptive patients the variegated course of
treatment I have lately gone through. Lt
them try it; if it don t rare them, it can't
more than kill them.
Subduing; a Desperado.
On the Western frontiers of our country,
in advance of society and of social refine
ment, there have been, and are to-day, a
class of preachers, rough and untaught,
and yet devoted to their work true evan
gelists cf the backwoodsmen. Among them
are some of the most fearless apostles in
the world. In Texas especially, where in
Eome localities there are communities of
fierce, lawless spirits, these pioneer preach
ers necessarily encounter not only perils
from wild beasts, perils irom disease and
exposure, but perils from brutal men, more
dangerous than either. Their courage is of
the Texan type, and although it may occa
sionally show itself in a manner not exact
ly in harmony with the spirit of their
calling, yet one is inclined to look some
what charitably upon laults that are the
result of education and exhibit themselves
in defence of the truth. These preachers
often have less of the gentleness of John
than of Peters fiery impulses.
Capt. M&rcy, in his 44 Army L.ue on the
Border," eives an incident or two in the
life of one of these devoted Christian men,
who, however, possessed rather more cul
tivation than most of his class, and was for
a time chaplain of a military post at which
the captain was stationed.
lie was a manor unexceptionable moral
character, but at the same time possessed
an irascible temperament, which rceiuired
all the exercise of his power of self-disci-
pline to keep in subjection. One day he
learned that a certain deacon of his church
had slandered him. Under the impulse of
nis inuignation ne seizeu a cowmue ami
started for the offender's house to give him
1? a . . 1 a
a sound flogging. Luckily for the deacon,
the preacher chanced to think, before he
got to the end or his journey, that his con
duct was hardly in keeping with his pro
fession, and concluded to seek a less violent
mode of reuiess.
Late one night on the Bed river circuit
ho once round himself in a thinly-settled
country, near the house of a desperado and
gambler, who was noted for his hatred of
religion and of Christian professors. There
were dark stories told about this man. it
was believed that he had murdered travel
ers who had put up at his house, although
no proof could be presented against him.
The preacher knew these facts and would
have preferred a less nngodly landlord ;
but as he was m his Masters service,
and "feared neither man nor devil, he
did not hesitate to enter the desperado's
house.
As he halted his horse at the door, he
heard the gambler say to his wife, with an
oath.
44 There comes that old parson. 1 sup
pose he wants to stay over night, but if he
thinks I'm a-goin to put up with his pray
ing and psalm-singing, he's mistaken. I'll
make him pay his bill in different coin
from that ! "
Such a greeting from such a man tirouM
have caused most travelers to pass on and
get as far as possible fi om the gambler's
reach. But tne preacher quietly got oft
his horse, went into the house and told the
surly ruffiian that he meant to spend the
night there I
"Better wait and 6ee whether you're
wanted fust," growled the gambler.
The preacher coolly took off his coat,
and said,
. I've come to tay I n
Supper was put on the table. They al
sat down.- The gambler took his knife and
fork and was about to eat. The preacher
raised his hands as in the act of invoking
a blessing, and at the same time looked
steadily and sternly at the ruffiian.' Cowed
by the cool courage of the man, the des
perado dropped his knife aud fork and mut
tered in a sullen tone,
44 Let 'er Mlide tuirgon f "
The preacher asked grace. But the gam
bler was so ill at his ease, and so much an
noyed at the missionary's dictatorial con
duct, that he hardly spoke a word to him
all the eveuiug.
As the hour for going to bed drew near,
the preacher made up his mind to have
customary evening family worship. He
took a Bible from his pocket and motioned
the rullian to bring him a small table.
Half subdued by his stern and serious man
ner, the gambler seized the table anil,
slammed it down in front of his guest, and
then began to whistle the tune 44 the Ar
kansas Traveler 1 "
The preacher vouchsafed no comment,
but pointed very decidedly and significant
ly to his Bible. The gambler stopped.
In an angry tone, and with an oath, he
taid,
44 Well, parson. Me ahead! "
The night passed quietly. The fearless
clergyman slept calmly, ani in the
morning conducted religious services
again without opposition from, his rullian
landlord.
As he was about to leave he asked
the gambler how much there was to pay
for his supper, breakfast, and night's lodg
ing. " Not a cent, parson," said the despera
do, "not a cent; go along alout your
business; but don't come psalm-singing
an mud my house any more, for I won't
stand it."
Imm a lIevorMl I lend ICelaln
Siiilillty 7
The British Medical JournaC says:
"Much has been written, and many con
flicting opinions expressed, as to whether
the head, after decapitation, retains any
sensibility, and the question has been re
vived in Paris aprfljw of Lemaire's execu
tion. M. Bonnafunt gives the following
account of an experiment on the dissevered
heads of two Arab", which will probably
set the question at rest. He says : 4 1 was
In Algiererin lisiJ, where I met with a mili
tary surgeon. M. de I allois, who asked me
what I thought of the assertion of Dr.
Wilson, of 2sJew York, that a dissevered
head retained its sensibility for two or three
minutes. I maintained the impossibility of
the asserted fact on physiological grounds;
but M. de Fallois remained unconvinced.
I heard that on the following day two
Arabs were to be beheaded, and obtained
leave to make some conclusive experiments
on the subjects. For this purpose I had
placed on the execution ground a small,
low table, on which was placed a large,
shallow vase nearly filled with powdered
plaster. I then went to the place of execu
tion, provided with a small ear trumpet
and a very sharp lancet. It had been
agreed that the charus should place the
head, immediately aller it was cutoff, upon
the plaster of l'aris, so as to stop the hem
orrhage. M. dc Fallois was to speak to
the first head by name, placing the car
trumpet to the ear, whilst I examined what
occurred in the eyes anil on the other fea
tures. This was done ; but notwithstand
ing all the shouts into the-ear, I could not
perceive the slightest sign of life. The
yes remained glassy and motionless; the
lace discolored. I he muscles gave scarcely
an)' sign of contraction under the influ
ence ot the lancet. We changed places
when experimenting with the second head.
and M. de Fallois convinced himself that
death was undoubted and instantaneous.
It could not be otherwise, phvsiologicallv
speaking, for immediately after the divi
sion of the large arteries which convev
the blood to the encephalon, a sanguineous
depletion .akes place, which must necessa
rily bring on syncope.' "
Volcanic Krupliou at Sea.
An interesting letter has iust been' receiv
ed by Mr. Win. Logan, Glasgow, from the
Kev. I)r George lurner, missionary, au
thor of Nineteen Years in Polynesia,"
dated amoa, or Navigator's Islands, South
Pacihe, November 29, 18G. We make the
tollowing extract :
44 On the 12th cf September, a little after
noon, a commotion was observed in the
deep, blue sea, about a mile and a half from
Olosenga, and three and a half from Tau.
It appeared like surf breaking over a
sunken rock. JSome thought it might be a
whale blowing, and others that it was a
shoal ot bonito. The unusual commotion
continued all day, and by the following
morning, at daylight, volcanic action was
unmistakable. At first the eruptions were
at intervals of about an hour. They went
on increasing for two days, and on the loth
there were imy in the hour. For three
days longer there was one continued suc
cession ot outbursts. The natives gazed in
amazement at the great jets of mud and
dense columns of other volcanic matter
rising in terrific grandeur two thousand
feet above the level of the sea. These again
branched out into clouds of dust, blacken
ing the sky and covering up Olosenga from
the signt of the people on Tau. The roar
ot the eruptions, and the collision and crash
of the masse s of rK.k met in their down
ward e-oursc from the clouds by others fly
ing up were u-ariui. Uuantities of fuesed
obsidian, too, threw off the most lovely
uaiuLiii Uhu Miuue uiiu eparKieu in
the sunshine like thousands of pendants
irom a crystal easolier. JSo flame appear
ed ; ouly once or tw ice was there a gleam
of fire K-en in the matter thrown up. The
sea was most violently agitated, and boiled
and bubbled furiously in a great basia half
a mile in diameter. After a time the ocean
had a light sulphur tinge for ten miles round.
Heaps of dead hsh were washed ashore, and
nong them deep sea monsters six and
twelve feet long, which the natives had
never seen be fore, and for which they have
no name. The Milphurous vapors, , heat
antl smoke and ashes soon made the settle
ment on Olosenga in a line with the vol
cano unbearable, and the people fled to a
, ?.., . .. . .. . ,
piae e a nine way to tue soutn. A slight
tremulous motion continued to Ik? felt on
land, but no fissures opened, nor have any
not plDgs maue iueir appearance, i he
ordinary springs of fresh water are also
unaffected. After three days the violent
action legun to abate, and on the 11th of
iSovember, when the teacher from whom I
have my information left, there were only
three or tour in the twelve hours, and the
height to which the matter was thrown
was reduced to twenty or thirty feet above
tbe level of th sea. No cone or other up
lifting has appeared above the surface of
the ocean, nor is there any apparent uplift
ing or subsidence of the adjacent small isl
ands. "My Boy Dkckk." 44 Drunk I my boy
drunk !" and tears started to the mother s
eyes, and she bent her head in unutterable
sorrow. In that moment the vision of a
useful and honorable career were destroyed,
and one of worthlessness, if not absolute
dishonor, piesented itself. Well did 6he
knov liat intemperance walks hand in
hand ilh poverty, shame and death; and
his bother's heart was pierced as with a
sharp pointed steel. Ah 1 yoonr man, if
the holy feeling of love for her who bore
you is not dead within you, shun that
which gives her pain adhere to that which
gives her joy. If she is with her Father
in heaven, shun that course of life which
shuts the gates of heaven against you, and
debars you from her society forever. The
drorkard can never inherit the kingdom of
God.
A SPRING CHICKEN.
Here lies In plentttade of years
A noble cbantl&eer;
lie led a virtooas chicken life,
And died withont a fear.
Her lie his bone, and muscles, too,
- Untouched by carrer'a art ;
Tenaclom to the very last.
In death they would not part.
5Iark Twain and Iii Style.
One can read Mark Twain with the sim
ple object of laughing, and without being
called upon to enter the combat against
some particular sect or doctrine, and with
out danger of coming across anything with
a tendency to insult or injure. One can
read Mark Twain, too, without being
obliged to study out mutilations of the
English language, alxmt as difficult to de
cipher as Egyptian hieroglyphics. There
is nothing, in fact, to interfere with a good,
hearty enjoyment, such as oue experiences
in a lively farce on the stage. Mark
Twain's writings have been current and go
ing the rounds of the press for a couple of
vears, but the present book is the first col
lection of them. It is merely a promise of
something better m luture, brought out by
appreciation and encouragement.
The look is dedicated to John Smith,
whom the author professes to have known
in various parts of the world, and as he has
learneel that the man to whom a volume is
dedicated alway buys a copy, he anticipales
that a princely aflluence is about to burst
upon him.
The tirbt account, which furnishes the
title to his book, is funny, from the ingeni
ous way in which it is introduced and the
fluency which characterizes its humor.
Mark took a letter of introduction to an
old gentleman, a resident of Angel's Camp,
and was told to inquire particularly after
one Kev. Leon Mas W. Smillcy, who had
been an early and intimate friend of the old
gentleman of Angel's Camp, and in this
way his good graces might be effectually
see -u red. Xo sooner was the name meu-
ioned than the old man began an inter
minable story about one .IimSmilley, who
had lived in those parts some lime ago and
44 was the curlostst man about always bet
ting on anything that turned up yoü ever
see; if he could get anybody to bet on the
other side, and if he couldn't, he'd change
sides." He would bet on a dog fight, or a
cat fight, or a chicken tight, or a horse race.
If there were two birds on a fence, he
would !et on which one would fly first. If
there was a camp meeting he would bet on
Parson Walket. If he saw a straddle bug,
he would bet on his destination and how
long it would take him to go to it, and then
follow tL2 bug to Mexico if necessary in
order to win ins bet. He once inquired
after Parson Walker's wile, who hud been
ill, and, when told by her huoband that
hopes were entertained of her recovery,
says, "I'll risk two and a half that she
don't.', This was the individual who
owned a bull-pup, which would always hold
oil until the bets were all made, then
catch his antaeonist by the hind leg and
hold on till the sponge was thrown up.
This pup was pronounced a genius, and
was never concjucrcd until his master
fought him against a dog that had no hind
legs, when he oicel from very chagrin.
Sinillcy's sporting proclivities finally got
him into a scrape. He hud a frog, which
he had educated to jump and catch flies.
He had never succeeded in getting a bet on
the frog's capacity for jumping, until one
day a stranger said that 44 he didn't think
the frog was much of a juniper, and if he
had a frog himself, he would bet forty dol
lars on his jumping." Smillvy immediate
ly offered to procure a frog, and, the money
being put up, went out lor that purpose.
Having brought back a second animai, the
two betters touched up their frogs, and
while the strange one jumped with all his
might and main, Smilley's pet could not
move. The bet was lost, and, the stranger
having 'departed with his money, SmiMey
took up his favorite, and turned him upside
down, and the water-bird belched out a
double hand ful of shot. The old gentle
men had an inexhaustible fund of anec
dotes concerning b milley, and was about
proceeding witli the recital when Mark got
up and kli him.
Then follows an afiUcting story about
Aurtli Unfortunate Young Alan. Aure
lia presents the following short summary
of events concerning her lover, and asks
Mark's advice as to what course she shall
pursue: When sixteen j-ears old, she met
and loved, with all the devotion of a pas
sionate nature, a young man from New
Jersey, named "Williamson Breckinridge
Caruthers. They were engaged under the
most flattering auspices. 44 lJut at last the
tide of fortune turned; young Caruthers
became infected wilh the small pox of the
most virulent type, and when he recovered
from his illness his face was pitted like a
waffle-mould, and his comeliness gone for
ever." Aurelia thought to break off the
engagement, but pity for her lover caused
her to postpone the marriage day, and give
him another trial. The day before the
marriage was to have taken place, Breck
inridge, whih; absorbed in watching the
flight of a balloon, walkcel into a well, and
fractured one of his legs so that it had to
be taken off Again Aurel:a was moved to
break off the engagement, but relented.
Again misfortune overtook the unhappy
youth. He lost one arm by the discharge
of a Fourth-of-July cannon, and within
three months got the other pulled out by a
carding machine. Still the girl's brave
soul bore her up, and she resolved to bear
with her friend's unnatural disposition yet
a while longer. Caruthers fell sick with
the erysipelas, and lost the use of one of
his eyes. Now the Iady s friends insisted
that the match should be broken off But
Aurelia, with a generous spirit that did her
credit, could not see that Breckinridge was
lb blame, and so extended the time once
more. Shortly before the time set for the
nuptials, another disaster occurred. There
was but one scalped by the Owens
Rier Indians during that year, and
that man was Williamson Breckin
ridge Caruthers, of New Jersey. At last,
Aurelia was in serious perplexity as to
what she ought to do, ana applied to
Mark." 44 It was a delicate epieslion," says
Mark ; "one which involved the life long
happiness of a women ami that of nearly
two-thirds of a man. 44 Finally he advised
Aurelia to build him up again supply
him with wooden arms and wooden legs,
a glass eye and a wig, and give him anoth
er show. In case they were marrietl and
he should die, the wooden legs and such
other valuables would revert to the widow,
and there would be no other loss than that
of the cherished fragment of a most noble
and unfortunate husband, who honestly
strove to t o right, but whose extraordinary
instincts are against him. Mark thought,
however, that it would have been a happy
conceit on the part of Caruthers if he had
started with his neck and broken that
first.
Mark Twain's complaint about corre
spondents is as good as his answers to cor
respondents, of which there are several.
Ote young man writes concerning the
throwing of bouquets at the opera, '4 No,
you are wrong," says Mark ; 44 that is the
Ijroper way to throw a brickbat or a toma
iawk, but it doesn't answer so well for a
boquet ; you will hurt some one if you
keep it up. Take your nosegay upside
down, take
it by the stems, and toss it with
Did 3'ou ever pitch quoits!
a sweep. rD'id
That's the idea. The practice of reckless
ly heaving immense solid boquets, of the
general size and weight of prize-cabbages,
from the dizzy altitude of galleries, is ilan-
gcrous and very reprehensible. Jiow, night
before last, at the academy of music, just
after Signorina Sconcia had finished that
exquisite melody, The Lat Rose of Sum
mer, one of those floral pile-diivers came
cleaving down through the atmosphere
of applause, and if she had not deployed
suddenly to the rirrht it would have
driven her into the floor like a shingle
naiL"
The paper Concerning Chambermaid is
very much like poor George Arnold. The
Inquiry About Insurance, the Origin of
mutinous Men, IM XMenaining sum
tory of the Scriptural Panoramitt, and
half a dozen others, are exquisitely funny.
Twain is an original humorist, destined o
make m Al&rk.
A Washington Story
Mr. Gay, senior, of the National Hotel,
ashington, bears quite a resemblance to
the late General Cass, upon which is told a
good story.
A stranger who supposed that he knew
Mr. Gay well, put up at the National.
Sinae this house has become a crack hotel
at the Capitol, it is quite full all the time,
and the new-comer was necessarily for the
first night sent to the up floor to sleep.
Coming down stairs in the morning a little
cross, he met General Cass there, who had
a fine suite of rooms in the hall. lie step
ped up to him and said :
44 I'll not stand it f You have put me at
the top of the house. I must have a room
somewhere else, lower down."
Gen. Cass interposing nervously : 44 Sir,
you are mistaken in the personage; you
are addressing General Cass of Michigan."
Stranger, confusedly : 44 Beg your par
don. General thought it was my old friend
Gay. Beg a thousand pardons, sir. All a
mistake all a mistake, I assure j-ou."
The General passed out of the building,
but soou leturned ; but as luck would have
it, the stranger met him full in the face
again, but in another position. This time
he was sure he had met Mr. Gay, for the
Senator from Michigan he knew had just
gone out: "So the stranger stepped boldly
up, slapped the General familiarly on the
bhoulder, exclaiming :
44 By heaven, Gay, I've got a rich joke
to relate. I met old Cass up stairs just
now ; thought it was j-ou, and began curs
ing him about my room."
General Cass, with emnhasis. "WpI!
young man, you have met eld Cass again."
Stranger sloped, and he has not been
heard of since.
Hating; while Fatigued.
There are few habits more injurious to
health than the common one of filling the
stomach with food while the body is
fatigued. Men will come? from the fields,
from their shops and counters, with their
bodies or brains, or both, almost cxhauMed,
sit down and hurriedly e at a heart' meal,
and then go back to their labor again. If
the brain, er any part or organ e'f the
body Incomes unduly fatigued, the whole
system requires rest for awhile, so that
the nervous influence and the circulation
cf the blood.may lecomc equalized through
out the body before another demand is
made upon "the vital energies. If the
stomach is filled with food while the vital
forces are powerfully direct eel to the brain
or the muscles, digestion cannot take place
!1 a
unin an equinorium nas oeen established,
and the blood and nervous power
determined to the stomach, conse
quently the fod remains undigested, fer
ments and becomes sour and irritates
the stomach, causing derangement and di
sease of the digestive organs, and through
them of the whole system. If you have
any care for your health and comfort
never sit down to eat while cither body or
brain is latigucd from over exertion.
Well Said.
Says a sensible exchange : " It matters
not how many newspapers a man takes,
his list is incomplete without his home
paper. It that paper is not just such as he
would wish, he should feel that himself and
neighbors are responsible, in a measure,
for its shortcomings. Give a paper a lib
eral support, an active sympathy, and it
will instantly respond to such manifesta
tions. Let an editor teol that his efforts are
appreciated, aud he is the most responsi
ble being on earth ; his paper being a part
of himself, he is as sensitive to praise or
censure as a doting father.
"Nothing can supply the place of a
home paper. It is the mirror in which the
town and neighborhood news is reflected ;
in the social, political and religious circle
it fills a place no other paoer can. When
a need of economy compels you to curtail
your newspaper list, strike off every other
one before you say to the publisher of
your home journal 44 stop my paper."
Excitement is a Circcs. We have
laughed heartily over the following ludlcrona story
and would not deprive onr readers of the same en
joyment.
44 A nnmher of years ago, when Michigan wan a
new country, in Livingston county, of there
lived a family by the name of Clayton, and one
called Perkins also, aa well as a great many
other.
Pete Qayton was a tall fine lookin fellow noble
speciman of onr backwoodsmen Undingen feet
two in his stockings.
Pete had taken a shine to Ml Sally Perkinx, and
it was known in fact that they were engaged, but
the day when the knot wad to'be tied had not as yet
ben nivuleed.
Iu the month of Anenst 1S14, Jane's circus came
through their town for the first time, and In faot it
w as the first circus that had ever parsed that way
and there were a great many people that had never
seen one. When the important day arrived, the
town was filled to overflowing with a motley crowd,
of course, and evcrr youn fellow had hU Sal.
Now Pcto wanted tö pet married on the coming
Christmas, but Sally wished to have it put off nntil
the next eprinc When the ticket won was opened
the tent waa filled in a harry, l'eio and Sally had
been looking through the side shows and they were
late getting in, and the performance had already
commenced. They walked around the entire
ring, trying to l.nd a seat, and although they
could seat two thousand people, every seat was
full.
"Never inind," said Sal, 44 I'd jeet as lief stand
up."
But the gallant Pete couldn't think oflt and eid:
44 Wait a miuit, I'll get you a chair," and off he
started, leaving Sal alone.
Justatthi moment the clown came in. dressed
In his nsnal costume, and dancing around the
ring, stopped right in front of Sal and began to
sing.
44 Oh Sally is the gal for me.'4
This caused Sal to blush, for she thought that
the clown was looking at her. As she stood near
the ring, of course she hid the view of those lower
peats hi hind her. and a usual on such occasion,
the clown crarks his jokes at the offenders nntU
they take tho hint aud find a seat, but he said she
had rather stand np. At this the clown commenced
his jokes, remarking to the ring roaster:
"There's a chance for me now."
44 A chance for you T "
44 Yes, don't yoa see that gal has lost her bean,
and she Is looking at me, 1 know," aud turning
hree or four somersaults, he stopped directly la
trout of bal and began to ting :
" O, Sally is the gal for me,
1 would not have no other.
And if Sal died to morrow night,
I'd marry Sally's mother."
Hits evidently meant for Air, raised Sal's dander,
and she bunt out w ith,
"I'm the gal for von, am IT Many my mother,
would yert You low-iired, spotted scum of the
earth I If my f ler was here he would wollupycu
for that ! I won dn't stay here another minit nor
neither would say decent people either ! Saying
which she rushed out of the tent amid roars of
laughter.
The clown assuming a comical attitude, remarked
to the ring roaster that his grandfather was a re
markable man, and so was his grandmother, too,
but lhat gal beat all his forefather.
At this Juncture Pete rushed in, closely followed
by Sat, and jumping into the ring he squared off
at the clown and said :
"i ll teach you to insult any female under my
charge?" and let fly at his opponent, and taking
him plump in the face, sent him to mother earth,
at which he jumped on him and commenced
kicking him unmercifully. Sally standing on
the outside of the ring, clapped her hand andung
out.
44 That's It Tete, give him jessic, and we'll get
married ChrUtuiaa. sure ! "
At this moment the ringmaster and three or four
others caught Pete and commenced to thrash him,
when Pete friends interfered and a general free
fight ensued which, completely broke up the
A Two Forty (an Hour) Train.
A friend, saya the Sacramento Record
tells us that a few days since he saw and
heard the following : .
Scene Fol so m Railroad. A patenger
stretched full length upon one of the
benches in the smoking car, with & ?eva-
yan' in his mouth.
Tollte Conductor (gathering tickets)
Ilowareyou, Thomas; glad to see yoa;
seldom catch eight of you on this road.
Passenger (lazily blowing out the smoke)
No, John, not often. The fact is when I
have business up this way, I generally taka
a horse and wagon : but as I am in no hurry
to-day time not of the slightest conse
quence I thought I might as well Use the
' A dramatic author on observed
that be knew nothing so terri jk j reading bis
piece before a critical aadienee. "I toow but one
more terrible," aaid Comptou, Ji a;wr, 44 to bo
obliged to tit and hear it," . .
surauiAiiir of the week.
General Iewg.
Witnesses are being summoned by the
Government to attend Surratt's trial on
May 27th.
The President has appointed as Minis
ter to Berlin Hon. George Bancroft,
the historian, in place of Mr. Motley. !
President Johnson has accepted a Ma
sonic invitation to visit Boston on the 24th
of next month, to attend a celebration
there.
The census of 1870 will be taken through
the Internal Revenue Department. The
Department took a census in November
and December last, which showed a popu
lation of 34,505,882.
General Hooker has been granted leave
of absence for one year from the first of
June, owing to ill health General John
C. Itobinson succeeds him in command of
the Department of the Lakes.
The Supreme Court has virtually de
cided that Texas is a State in the Union by
granting an injunction to restrain the pay
ment or certain Texas bonds to the parties
to -whom, it is alleged, they were sold dur
ing the rebellion by parties in armed hos
tility t.f the United States.
The Btxith diary is published. It is sim
ply a defense of his actions. He says,
uneler elate of April 13th and 14th : 44 Un
til to-day, nothing was ever thought of
sacrificing to our country's wrongs. For
six months we hare worktnl to capture, but
our cause being almost lost, something de
cisive and great must be done ; but its fail
ure was owing toothers, who did not strike
for their country with a heart. I struck
boldly, and not as the papers say. I
walked with a linn step through a thous
and of his friend, and was stopped, but
pushed on. A Colonel was at his side. 1
shouted n'c sniijur' before I fired. In
jumping, broke my leg. I passed all his
picke ts, mle sixty miles that night with
the bone of my leg tearing the flesh at
every jump. I can never repent it. Though
we hated to kill, our country ewed all her
troubles to him, and God simply made me
the instrument of his punishment. The
cotmtry is not (April, 18) what it was
This forced Union is not what I have
love l. I care not. what becomes of me. I
have no de sire to outlive my. country. This
night, before the deed, I wrote a long ar
ticle, left it for one of the editors of the
Xatiorwl Jiitdii'jcncer, in which I fully set
fori it emr reasons for our proceedings."
Foreign Intelligence.
The rinderpest has again appeared in
England.
McCairerty, the Fenian, has been sen
tenced to be hanged.
The Sultan has granted the title of King
to the Viceroy of Egypt.
Colonel Burke, the Fenian, u lying so
ill in his cell that his life is despaired o
Cable dispatches ttate that the King of
Prussia will visit Paris during the summer
in company with the Emperor of Russia.
The Luxembourg question may be re
garded as definitely settled, Xapoleon and,
the King of Prussia having signed the
treaty.
The injuries to the new Atlantic cable
will be repaired about the 15th of June.
Meantime the old cable, which was tpliced
last year, docs the wor k perfectly well.
A letter of recent date from Calcutta
shows that the terrible famine iu that part
of India has not ceased its ravages. In
the one district of Cut tack forty were dying
every day.
Queen Victoria on the 20th insL laid th
corner stone of the Hall of Arts, in Lon
don. A vast assemblage was present, and
the ceremonies were of a very impressive
character.
A plot to assassinate the King of Prussia
and Bismark has been discovered in Ber
lin. Several arrests have been made, and
it is supposed that the scheme haa been
frustrated. o
The new Franco-American Telegraph
Company, which proposes to lay an elec
tric cable between Brest and Halifax, has
been promised the support and assistance
cf the Imperial Government.
Advices from South America, by cable
from London, state that the Government
of Paraguay has accepteel the proflcred
mediation of the United States, though it
was uncertain whether the Allies would do
so or not
Cable dispatches state that two sanguina
ry battles have taken place in Candia, in
both of which Omar Pasha was badly
beaten. His loss in both is estimated at
3,000 men. The Great Powers have again
united in a petition to Turkey to cede
Crete to Greece.
The ram Dunderberg, which is reported
to have been sold to the French Govern
ment for $3,000,000, was the private prop
erty of Mr. Webb, the distinguished New
York ship builder. It was constructed by
him as an experiment, with the expectation
that it would be purchased by the Govern
ment, but the purchase was never com
pleted. The Victoria Culonht, the oldest and
most widely circulated journal of Vancou
ver's Island, British Columbia, says, edito
rially, April 30th : 44 Nine out of every ten
men in the colony, in their present state of
wretchedness and poverty, would welcome
annexation to the United States." This
remark was called forth by a rumor that
England was about to sell her possessions
to the United States.
The Atlantic cable of 18C0 has been rup
tured by an iceberg near the coast of New
foundland. On the 8th instant it was re
ported that the iceberg had disappeared,
but in passing over the cable of 1S66 it
seems that some damage must have been
done, for the signals through that cable be
came imperfect, and have now ceased. The
cable of 1865, however, is unimpaired, and
there is no reason to doubt that the injury
to the cable of 18GG.will be repaired with
out delay or any considerable expense.
The capacity of the cable of 1865 exceeds
the requirements of business, great as it is,
between this country and Europe.
The East.
On the 17th, the new iron roof being
constructed at the Union Iron "Works, Buf
falo, fell, killing five men and wounding
fourteen.
Anthony Mather, a boy of nineteen, has
been sentenced to the New York State
Prison for life for killing Stephen 8. Car
land in March last.
A young woman named Alice C. Abbott
has been . arrested in Boston on a charge
of causing . the death of her stepfather,
Washington Pickering, by poison.
The Connecticut Legislature is deliber
ating ' upon a measure Imposing a. fine of
$ 20 upon any luckless individual who shall
imbibe at the counter of a vender not duly
provided with the necessary license.
The New York Central Park Commis
sioners have agreed to set apart a site for
a monument existing $70,000, to 1 t-recte-d
by the Seventh Regiment to the memory
of its members who perished during the
rebellion.
A new suspension bridge is to ? built
acros Niagara river, just below the Falls,
for the convenience of visitors. It will be
considerable longer than the famous rail
road bridge. The directors are John T.
Bush, Alex. B. Williams, Hollis White,
Delos De Wolf, and Vivius W. .Smith.
A meeting of the corporators of the
bridge to lie built over East river has bee
held in Brooklyn, for the purpose of or
ganizing under the act of the late Legisla
ture, and it is understood that the company
wil proceed without delay to ninke ar
rangements for the grand work Kforo
them.
The Pittsburgh Commercial says a nu:n
ler of wealthy American gentlemen, chief
ly Pennsylvanians, have olIV red to under
take the building of the ship canal con
necting the lakes ith the St. Lawrence.
It will extend across Canadian territory
from Lake Huron to Lake Ontario, and
will cost an enormous sum of money, hu t
the advantages to be derived therefrom ,
and the immense amount of freight that
will seek that channel of conveyance, will
render it one of the most profitable under
takings ever attempted in America.
The h.
The Missouri river steamer Denver, run
ning between St. Joseph, Mo., and Omaha,
Nebraska, was burned to the Water's ctlge
at St. Joseph, on the lGth. Loss, f;0,')0.
She wasoaeof the finest steamers ou tLat
river.
On the 3d inst., four settlers in Shirly
county, Kansas, were massacred by a baud
of Pawnee Indians, and the wife of one of
the settlers carried oil'. General IIanerek
has sent troops to prevent further out
rages.
Patents have leen received at Madison
for 11)0,600 acres of land, granted in aid of
the Sturgeon Bay Ship Canal, and thirty
aelditional sections for the Fort Howard
military roael. Patents for 700,000 addi
tional acres ef swamp land were expe-e ted
soon.
The publishers of Missouri, outside
of St Louis, held a convention in that
city on the 12th, to consider the gen
eral interests of the press. About forty
delegates were present A permanent
State organization was effected and the
Convention adjourned to inet in St. Louis
a year hence.
The United States District Court of Iowa
has elecided adversely to the liquor sellers
in that State, who claimed that because
the Unitenl States Internal Revenue law
provides for liquor licenses, the State Pro
hitory Liquor law is of no cllect. This de
cision is the same as that of similar cases
in Massachusetts.
Another startling disaster, accompanied
by heavy loss of life, ou the Northern lakes
is reported. The steamer Wisconsin was
burned on the River St. Lawrence, within
a few miles of the eastern extremity of
Lake Ontario, on Tuesday night, the 21st,
and twenty to thirty lives arc supposed to
have been lost.
The depredations of the Indians both
east and west of the Rocky Mountains, are
growing more frequent, and the indica
tions are that a general war U inevitable.
Large numbers of Indians are said to In
gathering in the neighborhood of several
ot the western forts, and trenps aro
being rapidly forwarded to the scene of
danger.
John Winters, a life convict in the Mich
igan State Prison, made his escape on the
ICth. He had been an inmate of the
prison for twen ty-two year3, and was sen
tenced for the crime of killing his wife.
He is quite old, and for the past five years
had been allowed privileges around the
yards, but he took advantage of the confi
dence reposed in him and skedaddled, lie
was one of the firet inmates of the prison.
Early on Wednesday evening the 22J,
George W. Lee, a well known sporting
man was found in his room in Reynolds
block, Chicago, in an unconscious state,
his body and head bearing traces of an en
counter with some person who had ued a
sword cane upon him. His vest pocket
which was found torn open, had been
robled of $18,000 in bonds. He recovered
his consciousness about midnight, but hid
life is in danger.
The South.
In the Maryland Constitutional Conven
tion, a bill of rights has been reported,
which provides for the admission of ne
groes' testimony in the Courts of the
State.
General Sheridan has issued an order
forbidding citizens of New Orleans from
carrying firearms, a practice that has be
come quite too common and dangerous in
that city.
The bank panic in New Orleans appears
to have subsided. The banks successfully
withstood the heavy run that was made
upon them. The report that the City Na
tional Bank has suspended is contradicted.
Senator Wilson addressed a public meet
ing in New Orleans last week, aud was
followed by a colored clergyman. General
Longstreet was one of the Vice Presidents
of the meeting. Some apprehension of a
riot was felt, and the military was kept
under arms.
The deficiency in the accounts of the
Assistant Treasurer at New Orleans is
&bout $1,000,000. All the parties impli
cated have turned over their private prop
erty to the Government. It is thought
that the Government will not be a loser to
any considerable extent. The Govern
ment deposits in the National banks in
New Orleans are less than the securities
held therefor.
LisriXG. An exchange stats that a
rapid and emphatic recital of the follow
ing narrative wiil generally cure lisping-:
44 Hobbü meets Snobbs and Nobbs, llobbs
bobs to Snobbs and Nobbs; Hobbsnobs
with Snobbs and robs Nobb'a fobs. This
is," says Nobbs, the worst of Ilobb's
jobs, and Snobbs sobs."
A farmer of three sons and five daugh
ters was asked how many children he had.
The answer was : w I have three sons and
they each have five sisters. 44 Mercy !
replied the interrogator, 44 what a family
you must have !"
A German in Belleville, Illinois, named
Berthchinger, who has been in destitute
circumstances, has just received the cheer
inr news from 4s Fatherland " that he haa
Men heir to tnti snug sum of 13,500,000,

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