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INDEPENDENT. SATURDAY, AUG 10,1889 Work of the Wits. Summer hotel rates are taxation with misrepresentation. What’s in a name? Even well water often makes people sick. The scissors-grinder is the only man who invariably finds things dull. A counter-irritant—The fellow who leans across it and bores the clerk. Authority is like dried apples. A few cents’ >,or.h will puff a small mau up astonishingly. He.- “1 wash my hands of you forever.” >Sne : “And let me sug gest, George, that you also change your cuffs." A new mixed drink is called a “business brace,” but its practical tendency is more that of a business suspender.' As the butcher adds his hand to the weight of the steak he piously sighs to himself, “I love to steal awhile aweigh. It is a great deal easer to write a vivid love letter ot sixteen pages than it is to hear it read two years afterward in a court. Poseyboy, snecringly: “So you have gone and got engaged to that old Dollargrab ? I suppose he is worth a million ?” Miss do Smith, contemptuously : “Yes, of such as you are.’’ She: “Last night I dreamed we were at Saratoga and stopping at one of the finest hotels.” lie: “Don’t talk that way. Money i3 so scarce nowadays that we can’t aflord even to dream of going to Saratoga.” Lady to gentleman who had just been thrown from his horse: “I am so sorry fo: you.” Gentleman: “It isn’t so bad. madam, as it seems. I assure I am much more comfortable now than 1 was in the saddle.” Wibbie ■ 1 wonder why ministers always wear long-tailed coats?” Wabble: “ii you were a country ' minister with a three-hundred-dollar salary and a large family' you would n’t ask such a fool question as that ?’ As an illustration of the progress and goaheadativeness of our coun try, it may be mentioned that the ‘seventeen-year-locust’ which appear ed only’ twice in thirtyr-years half a century ago, now visits us annually. Penelope Peachblow : “It is evi dent that woman over there paints.’ Bishop Oulh m, “She is my sister.’ Penelope Peachblow : “I was go ing to say it is evident she paints from the interest she takes in that young artist.” Poqi Widow Bedott! She tril l to write love poety to the deacou, r.ad could frame only— “Affliction sore Long time I bore.” Had the lone creature used Dr. Pierce’s Favorite Prescription—the sure reined., for the weakness and peculiar ailn jnts oi her sex—she might have secured the deacou'a favor by the cheerful character of her verses. An Easy Promise.*, Mrs. Brown—My husband ha9 given up drinking. Mrs. Cobv,.gger—1 hope for your sake he has. Mrs. Brown—There is no doubt of it, my dear, fie used to g£t drunk on hot whiskies, and he has promis ed not to take a single one all sum mer. —-— —a «n» — - The Wrong Man. The Rev. T'rimrose—My dear sir, you should g \ < up publishing your paper on Sui lay. A man shouldn't allow himself to be hired by the dev il in that way. Editor—Tut. tut. su , you don’t know what m are talking about, [’m the mai k . hires the devil. The following coroner’s finding is reported from Kentucky ‘‘Inquisition held on the body of Holmes, deaeu-sts Dei 8 1853. \Y> of the said jury, by 1 summoned and qualified, and hearing tb,. evi donees, and making true and diligovs resentments o^er the said lxidv uf said deccasts, twelve men met, and, being duly sworn into the ease, (k.* lieves that he couie to Jiia death by some fit or oilier apoplexy. Doctor being duly sworn by myself, coroner, states that 1h lobis menbsonce of the spinal dis< arc was effected to con siderable extent.”—Forum. A Fly Fakir. Epoch. Mrs. Harpy—How did you man age to acquire such a fortune from that little pamphlet, “How to Make Dynamite ?” Mr. Sharpy—I used to offer the hook, then pull out a foot section of two-inch gas-pipe, loaded with paper, and a piece of rope in one end for a fuse, and tell them that was how a bomb looked when finished. Every body thought it was genuine and subscribed to get rid of me. -— “Why, my dear child, what is $3, 000 a year? It won’t more than pay for your breakfasts and lunches. The engagement is out of the question.” “Well, I’m sure, mother, that is enough. I never care for more than two meals a day, and if we arc particularly hungry we can dine with our friends.” Under a Terrible Pressure. Husband—It seems that several great men have had wives who were entirely dumb. Wife—Couldn’t talk at all ? Husband—Not a word. Wife—My t What a terrible pres sure of thinking they must have kept up.— Chicago Globe. P| UADI PC Twill mail (ri»**)on I I wl I hr E> v3 . rvcelrit of a 2 cent) stump, arecipe for a simple VPPP*PIBT K BIT U that will Mcwirtnc IDUDlADLO D“ TAN, KKKI KLES, PIMPLK.S, BtOTOHES. III.ACK HEADS, Ktc., leaving the Bkin soft, cb-nr ami beautiful. Touch with thin compound the soft lily chock, Aik! the bright glow will best its virtues speak. Also Instructions for producing a luxuriant growth of hair on a bald tieml or smooth face. Address—A. D. Btxmi'EL. 00 Ann St., New York. CONSTIPATION IS called the “Father of Diseases,’’bo* causo there U no medium through which disease so often attacks the system as by the absorption of poisonous gases In the retention or decayed and effete matter In tho stomach and bowels. It is caused by a Torpid Liver, not enough bile being excreted from the blood to produce Nature’s own cathartic, and is generally accompanied with such results as Loss of Appetite, Sick Headache, Bad Breath, etc. Tho treatment of Constipation does not consist merely In unloading the bowels. The medicine mustnotonlyactas a purga tive, lot t he a tonic as well, and notproduce after Its use greater costlveness. To secure a regular habit of body without changing the diet or disorganizing the system "My attention, after suffering with Constipa tion for two or three years, was called to Simmons Liver Regulator, and, having tried almost every thing else, concluded to try it. I first took a wineglassful and afterwards reduced the dose to a teaspoonful, as per directions, after each meal. I found that it had done me so much good that I continued it until I took two bottles. Since thenl have not experienced any difficulty. I keep it in my house ami would not he without it, but have no use for it.it having cured me.’’—Gso; W. Sins, Ass’t Clerk Superior Court, Bibb Co., Ga. Take only the Genuine, Which has on the Wrapper the ted Trade mark and Signature of V.. „ J. H. ZEILIN & CO Wot. 26— ly change e w. CORNING CARRIAGE CO; Corning n. Y. (-0-) —BUILDERS OF— SPINDLE BODY AND (:0—*0:) Our Spindle Body Buggy is light, yet strong and durable; easyjot ^access, and altogether the BEST and, MOST A TTltA CTI VE ROAD WAGON <>n the market. Our Spindle Body Surrey is the NKATEST VEHICLE ON WHEELS (—:o:—) All wagons with or without tops. The Springs used are unsurpassed for EASY RIDING Only one grade and that UNEXCELLED .FOB ylQUJTY& TiyiSK THE Most Popular Vehicles OF THE DAY. SHIPPING FACILITIES FIRST CLASS' Organs CHICAGO COTTAGE ORGAN Hu attained a standard of excellence which admit* of no superior. It contains overy improvement that faventire genius, skill nod money can produce. These excellent Organ* aro celebrated for vol umo, quality of tone, quick response, variety of combination, artistic design, beauty in finish, per fect construction, making thorn the most attract ive, ornamental and desirable organs far harass, ■snoots, churches, lodges, societies, eta. OUH AIK 18 TO ■XOBL. XVXBY ORGAN WAS BANTED FOB FTVFS YFABS. UTiBUSHKD REPUTATION, (wntauD rAciLinu, SKILLED WORKMEN, BEST XATE1IAL, UOMBIXKI), HAU THJS THE POPULAR ORQAH Instruction Books and Piano Stools. Catalogues and Price Lists, on application, ms The Chicago Cottage Organ Co. Cornsr Bandolph and Aan Streets, CHICAGO. ILL. Sold oy Boy 0. Stone, Kingwood, W. V HUMPHREYS’ DR. HUMPHREYS' BOOS. Cloth & Cold Binding, 144 I’aire*, with Hire! ■■gnttag, MAILED HIKE. A.l<lrr««. r. (>■ Ho I I HID, g.y. In use 30 years. emlnent Physician. NOS. -Trusted Prescriptions of an Htmple, Hale and Hare. CURES. PRICK. “ M ‘ 3 Fevers, Congestion, Inflammations. Worms, Worm Fever, Worm Colic.. Cry 1 n g Colic, or Teething of Infants ' Diarrhea of Children or Adults. Dysentery, Griping, Bilious Colic, "hofera Morbus, Vomiting. era_ ough. Cold, Bronchitis euralgia, Toothache, Faceache... lendarhes, Hick Headache,Vertigo _ iyspepsiatBlUoti» Stomach Hu IyHpf PHiHi DiutniB .. luppressed or Painful Periods Whites, too Profuse Periods Croup, Cough,iPinicult Breathing.. Suit Rheuui,erysipelas, Kruption Rheumatism, Rheumatic Pains.. Fever and As Ague, Chills, Malaria. J Piles,Blind or Bleeding _ [OjthlltnlmjQjor Sore, or Weak OMEOPATHIC ran ’a t a rr li, acute or chronic; Whooping Cough, Violet Lslhma, Suppressed Breathing _uensa Violent Coughs Ear Discharges, impaired Hearing Hcrofula, Enlarged Glands, Swelling .« general Debility,PhyslcalWeakness .1 >ropsy, and Scanty Secretions. Hen Hickness, Sickness fron Riding I Kidney Rlsense. Nervous Debility, Seminal Weak ness, or Involuntary Discharges — 1 Sore Mouth, Canker.. ... Crinnry Weakness, Wetting Bed .311 Painful Periods, with Spasm. .341 Diseases of Heart, Palpitation...l.r'' Epilepsy, Spasm. St. Vitus’ Dance.. l.i Diphtheria, Picerated Sore Throat JCI^oiMi^JinjyojHont^tEirnjjtlon^ SPECIFICS. Sold tty Druggists, or sent poet paid on receipt of price.—IHkl’MKKVB’ Mi.mtl.NK CO. 100 faltea 84. X T. ■WmW. OYY, C/Yiv&S ■?\us, HPMPTTRF.YS’ VETERINARY 8PECIFICS. Iised by nil owners of florse and Cat tle. A Complimentaiy copy of Dr. Humphreys* Veterinary Manual (SOO pages) on treatment and care of Domestic Animals—Horses, Cattle, Sheep, Hogs and Poultry — Sent free. T1 cum rets* Homeopathic Meu. Co., 109 Fulton St., N. Y. CAPITAL CYCLE CO. (406 N. Y. Ave. Washington, D. C. Largest assortment of* Bicycles in the United States. Write for second hand list, june 2,2m Sewing Machines, Standard Rotary Shuttle! The “QUEEN” and “KING” of Machines Don't buy until you have seen them. AND ''nair The finest finished, easiest running niakas less noise than any other machine made. If you can’t get them at home, send for Catalogue and Price List to Edarri L. Hose & (Jo., Son* Agents for West Va. WHEELING, W. TA ^Bfr'tf’irst-Clsss Agents wanted. Professional Oarda. J)R. 8. N. MYERS, Ko 4 Weat Martin Street, near the Lath •ran Church, Apr.* 741yd, G. B, HEDGES, FHYSICIAH AND SURGEON. Office and Residence on the corner of Burkeand College streets, formerly occupied by Dr Hamill. (el'80-ly. |}R. G. P. MORRISON, PHYSICIAN $ SURGEON, Office :—At Residence,No. 14, Corner o King and Spring Streets, MABTINSBURG, W. VA., Oflers his services to the peopleiofMartins burg and Berkeley County at reasonable rates. June 18, 1887-ly j DR. J. S. BOAK. Resident Dentist AFFERS uIb v/professional ser vices, in all itsbran ' g&m , |®cbps, to the citizens jw Bf of this J adjoining ^UjTinlM counties, and guar 1 w antees satisfaction in cases at moderate prices. Nitrous ox ide, or laughing gas administered, when desired, for tne painless extraction of teeth. Office on Queen street, opposite the Ev erett House, where he can be found at all times, day and night. April 27. 1878tf.l CHEAP GOODS Has Headquarters at tyfICV QhOCthY Here, he has the most complete stock in the town of CANDIES, FRUITS, NUTS, RAI SINS, &C. Call early and make your selec tions. You will find the prices to suit. Everything here is new and bright, and ciieai>. Jas. M. Homrich. J. NELSON WISNER, Attomov at-Law MARTINSBURG, W. VA , office in Blondel Building, (Up-Stairs.) Ctf l'rompt attention to business af fairs. Wills, Deeds and all manner oi Conveyancing carefully attended to. Loans optained, compromises and exten sions of credit arranged and effected. Hotels. CONTINENTAL HOTEL, CORNER OF QUEENJAND KING STREETS! Martlnsburg, W. Va. -o MY OLD CUSTOMERS and the traveling public in general are informed that on the Fiasr Gay or Araii, 1877, I will take charge of the above-named Hotel, where I ahall be glad to see all my old patrons. The honse is new, commodious, rooms pleasant and airy, and eligibly situated. January 11 WM. RUTLEDGE. LADIESP™^ Do Tour Own Djrelng, at Homo* They will dye everything. They are sold every, whore. Price lOe. a package. They have no equal for Strength* Brightness, Amount in Packages or for Faatneii of Color, or non-fading Qualities. They do not orock or smut; 40 oolors. For sulo by E. C. WILLIAMS & BRO., may 14,1 Druggists, Martinsbug CONSUMPTIVES. Tae undersigned having been re stored to health by simple means, after suf ring for several years with a severe lung affection, and that dread disease Consumption* is anxious to make known to his fellow sufferers the means of cure. To those who desire it, he will cheerfully send (free of charge) a copy of the prescription used, which they will Hilda sure curt* for Consumption, Asthma, Catarrh, Bronchitis and all throat and lung Maladies. Ho hones all sufferers will try his Remedy, as it is invaluable. Those desiring the prescription, which will cost them noth ing, and may prove a blessing, will please address, Rkv. Edward A. WiLr hon, Williamsburg, hang;: County. Kew York. C A\ WIS1STEH, IN8URANCE AND REAL ESTATE AGENT Also makes collections of all kind ot debts and outstanding accounts. £^-Fair dealing and faithful represen tations in allcases.-^a orrespondenoe solicited. Okfick: Blondell Building. ap80-t IIKAMQI AIM EKS FOB SHOES ANl» HATS, LITTLETON M. HOKE vSuccessor to Oettinger'A' Hoke. JBlondel Building.) Has now the best stock of Shoes, Hats and Caps now i oudy for inspection evt r of fered to the public. The stock is entirely new and will lx* sold at low prices. 1 Subscribe for the ini>kiendent only 82.00 a year. 1 Carriage Factory. HELLERS Carriage Manufactory. No, 90 W. King St, ISarlinsburg, W, Va. 1 manufacture the Salladee Trip!* Sgflif Baggies, and all other style of Hug giee, Jump Seats, Pheatoas, Jaggers, Ac. All work pat up of the best materials and work maaship, and warranted. I sell no cheap Cincinnati Shoddy Work. Persons desiriat *V» purchase a buggy or carriage, will save money by getting a good article Call and examine my work and prices faprS-86. Wall Paper. Carpets, &c. TO THE LADIES We are daily receiving our Household Furnishing Goods for the Spring trade. We give you a personal invitation to call and see our well-selected Stock. IF you want a nice matting, IF you want a nice sett of Furniture, IF you want Wall Paper and Decorations for your Parlors and Bed Rooms, The place to get these Goods, at extremely low prices (and we are determined not to allow ourselves to be undersold by anyone) is at the Carpet, Wall Paper and Furnishing House of P, NIGKLAS BRO. & CO. There yen can find the largest and best assortment of tht above line of goods in Martinsburg. Special inducements shown to new beginners and to all who maj want large bills. We a> io carry a line of Baby Carriages and Carpet Sweepers, In fact, every tiling that is carried in a first-class Carpet and Furniture House. have j ns t received a new and fresh line of China Mattings* P. NICKLAS BRO. & CO., Wo* 11 W. Queen St. We havo just closed a contract with one of the largest Fertilizer Houses in the city of Baltimore for ONE THOUSAND TONS HIGH GRADE DISSOLVED 0E SOUTH CAROLINA BONE. r ' Our Brand AMmONIATED BONE PHOSPHATE at TWENTY-SIX DOLLARS has no equal for grain and grass. Try it and be convinced. We are also agents for WAster's Fertilizers^ BICKFORD and HOFFMAN, and SUPERIOR GRAIN DRILL. Call to see us before giving your order for FERTILIZERS and DRILLS. J. H. MILLER & SONS, Queen St., near B. & O. R. R. Crossing. A GENTLEMAN,S8„,k:° vons Prostration, Seminal Weakness, Premature Decay, and all the evil ef fects early indiscretion and youthful folly, is anxious to make known to others the simple inode of self-cure. To those who wish and will gi\ e him their symptoms, he will send (free) by re turn mail a copy of the recipe bo suc cessfully used in his; case. Address in confidence, .Tames W. PlSTttNKY 42 Cedar Bt.. N. Y. BEETHOVEN [>1 Fil : JfcTil £ KIM IgwASHIN "oN.WARHEN CO. N. J,; Owners and Operators of the umnMifa Who sell the entire products >f their Immense factory direct to the public troaa them you can purchase upon liberal terns THE BEST ORGANS MANUFACTURED. "]~~W ARRAN TEP~rClK~SiX~ YEARS, j Catalogue arid full particulars free. A'rite us t>eforc purchasing. Address, mem turning name of this paper, BBETHO JT ADVERTISERS can learn the exact cost of any proposed line of advertising in American papers by addressing Geo. P. Rowell & Co., Newspaper Advertising Bureau, tO Spruce St., New Yr-k. Ser J tOoto. for 100-Page Pamphlet The BUY 3 >-C '111 is isMiod a i. d flcpt., each year. It is an ency clopedia of useful infor mation for all who pur chase the luxuries or the necessities of life. We can clothe you a..d luruish you r ith all the necessary and unnecessary appliances to ride, walk, dance, sleep, eat, fish, hunt, work, go to church, or stay nt home, and . . nuott < ' styles and quantities, just figure out what is required to do all thes® ‘Kings C0HF0R1A8LT, and you can estimate of the value of the l?'-' u f'.i.d QUIT) I? which will be ‘ > ‘ ’ ^ receipt of 10 cents to pat - re, MONTGOMERY WARD a CO. 111-114 K> rigan Avenue, C.-i-.jfO. -di,