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The star of the north. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1849-1866, September 25, 1851, Image 1

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R. W. Weaver Proprietor.]
Is published every Thursday Morning, by
OFFICE—Up stairs in theNcw Brick building
on the south'side of Main street, third
square below Market.
TERMS : —Two Dollars per annum, if paid
within six months from the time of subscri
•bing ; two dollars and fifty cents if not paid
within the year. No subscription received
for a less period than six months : no discon
tinuance permitted until all arrearages are
paid, unless at the option of the editors.
ADVERTISEMENTS not exceeding one square
_ will bo inserted three times for one dolls r,and
twenty-five cents for each additionl inser
tion. A liberal discount will be made to those
who advertise by the year.
There aro three ways in which men steal
One's heart from out your breast;
And very hard it is to say
Which of tho three is best,
Against tbem all, however,
1 enter a protest. i
You're riding through a shady grove,
In a carriage with your beau,
He pnts his arm around your waist,
And whispers soft and low,
That sleepless days and nights he's passed
Because he loves you so.
It's hard to have the question poppod
When in the forest shade;
It's hard to promise that he shall
Be cherished and obeyed ,
But oh ! its harder far than this
To perish—an old maid.
You're at an evoring party,
Some cold night, bright and clear,
A handsome gentleman comos up
And whispers in your ear:
He hopes you will allow him
To be your cavalier.
And then he tells you, going home,
You are his love, his life,
That if you don't accept him
He'll stab him with a knife;
And so you see, in pity,
You say you'll be his wife.
You're sitting in the parlor,
Reading books eager o'er,
Thinking thnt to bo alone
Is a most awful bore,
When suddenly you'll be startled
By a ring at the front door.
You hear a slow, familiar step
Resounding through the hail ;
#fYou scat yourself more gracefully,
And roundj^ufold your shawl;
A visitor steps in, who saj s "*
Ho comes to make a call.
And for a while all goes on smooth,
The hours fly by on wings ;
You talk of balls and operas,
And all such sort of things,
And of the Swedish nightingale,
How beautifully she sings.
But soon you get exhausted
With topics dull as these;
And then ho lakes your snow white hand,
And gives a gentle squoezo;
It cannot be—it is—it is—
The man is on his knees.
No ! refuse to aid tho beggar
That accosts you at your door,
And turn away with pride and scorn
From the sufferings of the poor;
But do have pity on the man
That's kneeling on tho floor.
And if you do not lovo him,
Don't his agony arouse,
But tell mm you are sorry
That at such a shrine he bows;
But that all things considered,
You cannot be his spouse.
But if you lova him dearly
Don't raise unkind alarms;
But give him the full benefit
Of knowing all your charms ;
Then with a fond smilo throw yourself
Right plump into his arms.
Horrid Depravity.
A base wretch in the form of a man, was,
a few weeks since, introduced to a lovely
and confiding girl of sixteen. Ho pressed
her hand and said in a thrilling tone, that ho
thought the "recent fine weather had ren
dered the lauips more lovely than ever." |
She blushed and said "very." Her parents j
considered the matter as settlod, but he base- ]
111 fy deserted the young lady, after addressing
iliis pointed language to her, and has never
.called t her house since. We are glad to
learn that her friends have taken the affair
in band, and caused the monster to be ar
rested in a suit for breach of promise—dam
ages laid at 36,000. The scamp will be
cautious in future how he trifles with their
loving hearts—the toughest muscles, by the
way, in the wLole body.
17 An exemplary young lady up-town is
very particular about closing tho window
curtains to her room before retiring for the
night, in order to prevent "the man in the
moon" from looking in.
XW, Women are called the "softer sex,"
tmcauao they are so easily humbug
ged. Out of one hundred girls nino-five
would prefer ostentation to happiness—a
dandy husband to a mechanio.
f3T Alexander Gunn was disoharged lrora
the Custom House at Ediuburg, for a mal
practice. The entry in the books stands
thus :—"A Gurm was discharged for making
a false report/"
> GF A lover has been pithily described as
a man who, in his anxiety to obtain posses
sion of another, has lost possession of him
Just opened, with 100,000 curiosities, and
performance in the lecture room; among
wnicb may be found
Mail and Femail.
WATERLOO ! whom is six feet
long, and wide in proportion.
Seen opens. Distant moon. View of Bay
of Naples. A thin smoke arises. It is the
beginning of the Eruclion ! Tho Naples
folkes begin to travel. Yaller fire, follered
by silent thunder. Awful consternation.
SiUhin rumbles ! It is the Mountain propa
rin' to Vomic ! They call upon the Fire De
partment. It's no use! Flight of stool pi
goons. A cloud of impenitrable smoke
hangs over the fated city, through witch the
Napelors are seen makin' tracks. Awful ex
plision of balbs, kurks, foruiquets, pinwocls,
scrpenlilos, and fourbillions, spirals ! The
Moulting Lava begins to squash out! -
End of part one.
The Parochial Reedle, MR. MULLET..
Live Injun on the Slack Wire.
Live Injun, MR. MULLET. I
Obligations on the Cornucopia Sto VERMICELLI. |
Signor Vermicelli, MR. MULLET.
In the course of the evening will bo an an
exhibishun of Exhilerntin' Gass! upon a
Lafiin Highhena.
Laffin Highhena, MR. MULLER.
Bey of Naples, 'luminated by Bangola !
Lites.—The laver gushes down. Through |
the smoke is seen the city in a state of con
flagration. The last family! "Wliar
your parents ?" A red hot stono of eleven
tuns woight falls onto 'em. The beorhoad
cd father Tails scentless before a otnioo t De'
The Whole to conclude with a
Grand Shakspearing ryroligneous display
of Firctourxl
Maroon Bulbs, changing to a spiral weel.
wlch changes to the Star of our Union ; af"
ter, to butiful p'nts of red lites ; to finish
with bursting into a biilliant Prespiration !
During the performance a No.J of Popular
Airs will be performed on the Scotch Fiddle
and Bagpipes by a Real Highlander.
Real Highlander, MR. MULLET.
And boy making a muss, will be injected
. As the Bankum Museum Is temperance,
no drinkin' aloud ; but any one can find the
best of tickers in thejSloon below.
Admission 25 cents; childred on the usu
al terms.— Knickerbocker Magazine.
FOR GOSSIPS— The following paragraph
which we find floating in the newspapers,
lays it on the gossips with an unsparing
hand. We think there are a few in our
neighborhood whose characters aro minutely
described by it, and of which it would be
well rid .
"The slanderous woman poisons the at
mosphere of her entire neighborhood, and
blasts the sanctities of a thousand homes
with a single breath. From a woman of
this class nothing is sacred; she fattens upon
calumny and upon slaughtered reputations.
She is the ghoul of eastern stories, transfer
red from the Arabian Nights to the fireside
circle. She never asserts anything—she
merely hints, and supposes, and whispers
what they say. Every neighborhood in the
city is infested with some creature of this
sort, and in Country towns they are even af
flicted with two or three of the ghoul wo
men. One is enough to set a hundred fami
lies by the ears; two can break up a church!
three are sufficient for any kind of mischief,
from the separating the husband from his
wife, to blasting the fame of a stainless girl.
A pure woman is simply an angel embodied
ir. kumun shape ; a slanderous woman is
■ometh ing worse than cholera—certainly aB
infectious as the yellow fever.
A. Clever Tarn.
A story it told of Sully, the painter, a
man distinguished for refinement of man
ners as well as success in art. At a party
ono evening, Sully was speaking of a belle,
who was a great favorite—
' Ah,' said he, 'she has a mouth like an
'Oh, oh, Mr. Sully, how can you bo so
rude ?'
'Rude, ladies ! rude! what do you moan?
I say she haß got a mouth like an elephant,
because it is full of ivory 1"
BP A fellow was doubting whether or
not he should volunteer to fight the Mexi
cans. One of the flags waved before his
eyes hearing the inscription "Victory or
Death," somewhat trocbled and discouraged
hira. "Victory is a very good thing," said
ho, "but why put it victory or death? Just
put it," said he, "victory or cripple, and I'll
go that."
The Whig 6c Democratic Tartfls.-W'hlch |
Was for the Good of the People f
Many of our friends say that they do not
understand the difference between the Whig
Tariff of '42, and tho Democratic TarifT of
1846. We will endeavor to illustrato the
,fubjeot. The Whigs laid a small duly, or
none on luxuries' or on the raw materials
imported for the manufacturer ; but raised
the taxes on articles required for daily con
sumption by the poor. They rated different
qualities of goods, at the same price per
yard, and then laid the same duty on each,
thus making the poor pay as much on the
! yard, of the coarse article, as the rich paid
on the one. So of articles that were pur
chased by measure, or weight; and they
evon went so far as to " rate goods by tho
pound, to exact more duty ol the poor.
Tho following comparison of the dutios of
'42 and '46 are taken from the Report of the
| Secretary of the Treasury, made officially to
Luxuries. Whig Tux. Dem. Tux.
Champagne 12perct. 30
Burgundy 9 " 30
Maderia 5 " 30
Wilton carpets 23 " 30
Ladies gloves (French) 21 " 30
Gents do 13 " 30
Hkfs., fine silk 16 " 25
Velvets do 20 " 25
Brocades do 14 " 25
Silk & wool flan'ls (®lyd) 14 " 30
Furniture 30 " 40
Gems, precious stones 7j " 30
Jewelry 20 " 30
Necessaries of Life.
Wine for sicknesses low
prices • • 49 " 30
Allspice 120 '' 40
Ginger 53 " 40
Cinamon 61 " 40
I Hammers and sledges for
blacksmiths • 52 " 30
I Plow chains 100 " 30
I Tailors and hatters irons 66 " 30
j Plain tumblers 137 " 30
i Coarse gloves for wagon
ers and farmers - 80 " 30
Woman's imitation kid 70 " 30
Sugar 62 " 30
Cheap flannels 50 to 80 " 30
Crapes (cheap) 60 " 25
Pins 53 " 30
Cheap shirtings 95 " 30
| do Alpacas 50 " 25
Cables, cordage 120 " 25
I Wool, coarse 5 " 30
j Anvils 45 " 30
1 Cut spikes 168 " 30
Hoopiron 116 " 30
Whig newspapers, office-holdup" and e(-
' ftoe-Noekern, may try to raise a panic to af
fect the public mind as to the tariff of '4B,
which is correct in principle ; yet who can
modify the details but a Democratic Con
gress, for such it is for two years to come ?
And is it not a shameful humbug to alarm
the country for nothing, derange business,
and keep up a delirium about what is mere
moonshine ? Can it be that our farmers,
mechanics, professional men, Sec., are to be
alarmed and ruined, because the Demo
crats lessened their taxes, as the above ta
ble shows them to have been ? The great
body of this nation is composed of farmers
and planters, and mechanics, who want
cheap goods, groceries, &c., in exchange for
their producti or labor.—Now, who aro tho
panic makers? Our farmers, &c? No. It
is tho meddlesome demagogues in cities, i
political partizans who want office, and whig
editors whose heads are 'obfuscated' on the
science of political economy, and it is not
the hard-fisted yeomanry of the land who
complain, and but a very few, even among
prudent manufacturers.
Are the farmers to complain because they
get their ploughs anil axes at 30 per cent. 1
duly ? Because if they buy them from a
broad, they pay 30 cents in the 100 for what
they formorly paid 70 or 100' The domes
tio manufacturer receives 30 per cent, on
his fabrics more than he would receive; if
he were to get them abroad; and the farmer
pays that much more in proportion. Is it
for this that the manufacturer expects to
raise a panic among the farmers, and make
them believe that the whole country is a
bout to be ruined ?
By placing a large variety of articles with
in the power of the body of the people, we
increase the general comfort and advanco
the public prosperity.'
Is it not curious to hear a 'poor mechanio
defend tho Whig Bystem of imposing taxes ?
What is the tariff but a tax? Every other
tax is looked upon as a burden, and yet men
talk as if it were a matter of rejoioing to
pay Si more on a yard of cloth for a coat,
byway of indirect tax than if they got it
for a dollar less ! We formerly paid 2} cent
tax on each pound of sugar, and sold here
for 10 cents. Now, under the 30 per cent
tariff, wo get as good sugar for 8 cents. Shall
we go back, and take the Whig scale above
or remain where we are?
Our lathers fought against British taxa
tion, whon placed on tea, without their con
sent, and are we so heedless of our rights,
that wo will let a few planters, or a few
manufactures, fleece the millions of their
all to build up a few Abbott Lawrence's, or
king Biddle's, who, with chartered capital,
can raiso or depress, at will, tho prico of
food or tho wages of labor ? It is a ques
tion of principle as well as of dollars or
cents, and we leave the public to decide for
themselves.— Wheeling Argus.
17 "Does your arm pain you, sir?" ask
ed a lady of a gentleman who had seated
himself near in a mixed assembly, and
thrown his arm across the back of her chair
and touched her neck.
•'No,Miss, it don't but why do you ask?"
"1 notioed it was out of place, that's all I"
I The arm was removed.
Troth and Right—God and onr Country.
"Do you want business ? My friend, th?
surest and best way to get it is'to advertise
So said a retired merchant, the Other day, to
a young man just commencing business,
who was complaining of'a lack of trade.'
And he was quite right. If a man wants bu
siness let him advertise—and *s surely as
the sunshine succeeds the stortß, so surely
will business follow advertising. The eqpe
rience of all who ever tried it thoroughly
will attest this. It a man has a hundred ca
ses of prints which he wishes to sell, yet
knows not his customers, what is he to do ?
Keep them boxed up and teli nebody o f his
wishes? Of course he will bo no such fool-
He will at once adopt some method of get
ting the faot, that he has the goods and wish
es to sell them, known amongt those who
would be likely to buy. How will he do
this ? He will not go personally, becauso
while he is absent from his store, a trade
may be lost—worth the whole profit on the
prints ho wishes to sell. Ho will not send
his clerk, because his services are worth
more at home. He will not print hand-bills
arul send them round, because not ono may
tall into the hands of a buyer.
None of these things will do if ha is a
shrewd business man. He will in ono min
ute write an advertisement, saying that ho
has "on hand and for sale, 100 cases of
prints suitable for the season, which will bo
sold at a bargain ;" and for a couple of dol
lars he gets it inserted in the paper of his
choico half a dozen times or so ; with but
little exponse and less trouble he tells his
story to a thousand traders, who either do or
may want the very article in question—what
follows? What so natural as that by inform
ing the demand where the article may be ob
tained it will seek it there? It needs no
more from us to those who have thoroughly
tested the business of advertising, to con
vince them of its utility. It is to to thoso
who have as yet, not tried the experiment,
that wo would speak. It is for their interest
to investigate the subject,,aml profit by our
advico, if they will.—Hundreds—yes thou
sands, will still travel on in the beaten and
worn out tract of the hundreds and thous
ands who have gone before thorn, grumbling
at their want of success in business, yet not
making an effort in the right direction, to
better their condition. Some few, those
"ones of ,lhe thousands, prosperity
''is olten ascribed? to "fttflP—taking advan
tage of every wind, however light, which
shall urge onward their little trading craft
towards the harbor of fortune—will take
pains to tell of the goods he has for sale, and
will sell them. Others will not spend tho
breath it will cost, and will either make a
long passage, or be wrecked and lose all to
gether. Young man, or old, do you want
business ? Advertise ! thoroughly and ef
fectually ; and lor every dollar dollar you
expend you will be rewarded ten fold.—
Palmer's Register.
"Female Extravagancies."
It sccrns to bo generafly supposed that fe
male reform in the subject of dress &c , (if
reform it may be called) is of modern orig
in : but in tho Gentleman's Magazine or
Monthly Intelligencer, conducted by Sylva
nus Urban, Gent., of July 1732, we find
something which would seem to indicate
that strong-minded women flourished even
then. Hear what some conservative fogio
of tho meridian of Greenwich, thinks of
"Female Extravagancies."
"H Bluntly complains to Mr. Spectator of
a combinaion formed among the ladios, to
supplant the men in some of the I'oroga
The Dutch Ladies first put ours upon the
wearing concealed Breeches: and at the in
stigation des dames Francoises they intended
this summer to ride astride but for political
reasons ono ot which was the Spanish Ar
mada , laid it aside.
In return the English Amazons have in
troduced Romping among tho French, and
advise the Dutch to an entire neglect of Fam
ily affairs. In days of yore, for a Lady to
dress and act like a woman was thought de
oent. —T'other day I visited Slradella and
found hor with a napkin tiod about hor head,
her hands behind her, whistling the Neg
gate Tunc, and trying in how many paces
she could measure the room. At my being
introduced, she turned upon her heel, shook
mo by the hand, and saluted mo with "How
do'st old Hal ? Hast breakfastod ? Will
have Tea, Coffee or a dram of Nants ?" I
choso Coffee. Here get a Pot immediately ;
let the Groom bring the horses to the door, and
see my Pistols are well primed " Nor will our
Ladies stop here. 800 Brawney has receiv
ed I/ive Letters from more than one; and
Mr. Maidly has been rallied in two or three
for Bashfulness. But it is a melancholy re
flection that our Females are women at 12
or 13, men at 18, and very girls at 50 or 60.
That Virtue, Religion, and Economy are now
turned to Ridicule! and this is not only in
the town, bu! amongst our Ladies ! where
the double Entenurae, a thorough disregard
for their Husbands and Children is so much
tho mode, that I fear if it gets among the
lower class of Females, tho Farmers will
have the caro of the Dairy, as well as Hus
bandry thrown on their hands."
I"So, hero 1 am, between two tailors,'
said a beau at a public table, where a couple
of young tailors were seated, who had just
began business for themselves.
"True," was the reply, 'we are now be
ginners, and can only afford to keep one
goose between us."
"Ma'am," said a free-spoken, warm-hear
ted, enthusiastic, and a rather quizical sen of
old Kentucky, whilst paying his devoirs to
one of the famous lady tourists of America,
"Ma'am, should have been bom in Ameri*
ca, the greatest country in the known world.
Naturo has clustered all her stupendous and
dazzling works upon .this land, and you
should be among them! We have got the
greatest men, the finest women, the broad
est Lakes, the tallest trees, the widest prai
ries, the highest water-falls, and the biggest
hearts in all creation.
"Ma'am, go and see the falls of Niagara.
My deal ma'am, if I didn't think I'd waked
up in futurity, when I first seed that big
slantendicular puddle ! (slantendicttlar's an
algebra word, ma'am—you mayn't know it.)
Why ma'am I could tell you something
about them Falls—but you musn,t put it in
your book, 'cos nobody will ever beliove it.
The people that live around about there will
loose their speech, end never hear each oth
er speak for years, with the noise of the cat
aract ! Fact, true as that's a pencil and a
note-book you are taking out of yo'r pockot.
Why, there was a man lived there ten years
and he got so deef he never know a man
was speaking to him till a pail of water was
poured down the back of his neck ! When
you go to sco the falls, ma'am, you must do
all tho talking you want to before you get
within twenty-fivo miles of them ; for after
that not a word of any kind can bo heard !
"Then, ma'am, you should go and soe the
groat cavo in Kentucky, where the bats bi
bernaculate in countless millions. Thero is
not such another hole in the ground to bo
found upon the face of the earth. Ma'am
if you go back to England without seeing
our Mammoth Cave, you'll put your feet in
it—no, beg your pardon excuse me—that's
quite impossible: but you'll leave a big hole
in your book you are going to write. There
was no more end ever known to it, ma'am ;
and thero is a salt water lake in the middle
of it, twonty-five miles broad.—One of the
rooms is called the "Antipodean Chamber,"
from the unpronounceable fact that a man
can walk just as easy on the ceiling as upon
the floor; and ill this apartment, there's a
natural fountain of pure brandy ! The same
cave too, is a cure for consumption !
"You haint been 'South yet, haW you,
ma'am ? You haint seen the Mississippi
river, and the city of Now Orleons? Well,
ma'am Now Orleans is a hundred and twen.
ty-five feet below the levoi of the sea, and
the Mississippi runs through a canal bridge
light over tho city ! The inhabitants are
chiefly alligators and screach owls, the last
words have been vulgarly preverted into Cre
ols. Tho food is chiefly gum, produced
from trees in the swamp, and which they
call gumbo. There is a paper oalled the Pi
caroon, the name being well chosen, signifi
cant of its professed piraces upon Hunt's
Philosophy, Baron Munchausen, the pil
grim's Progress, Joe Miller, Washington Irv
ing, and Bill's Lile in London. It is a vio
lent and stupendous political print, and the
Government of the country has endeavored
in vain to suppross it. One of the peculiar
marks about this extraordinary city, is tho
entire absence of those small quadrapeds of
genus most commonly known as rats. Ono
was seen many years ago, by a citizan who
brutally mutdered the unknown creature,
but was immediate!)' tried and sentenced to
be hung for the enormity.
"You will hear, ma'am, a great deal about
the "floating populatiou of New Orleans,"
a phrase which you will understand when I
tell you that the town is half under inunda
tion from the Mississippi ! You should
have been born in America, my dear ma'-
am, but as you were hot you may possibly
die here, and that is some consolation to you."
CP" It is somewhere related that two ship
wrecked sailors clinging to the same planki
were thrown upon the shore together. For.
a while the poor fellows feared that they
had escaped death on the water, only to
meet it in a more terrible form on the laud.
At length they espied, at a distance, some
thing which bore the appoarance of an ar
tificial structure. One of them ascended a
hill, where he could gain a better view of
the hopeful object. Calling back joyfully to
his companion, said, "Thank Heaven, Jack !
Wo aro in a civilized land, here is a gallows!'
17 A dandy, remarking one summer day
that the weather was so excessively hot
that when he put his head in a basin of wat
er it fairly boiled, received for reply, "then,
sir, you have a calf's head soup at very lit
tle expense.
OF "I see you are in black ; aro you
mourning for a friend ?" was propounded by
one friend to another in the street the other
day. "No, lam in mourning for my sins."
"I nover heard that you had lost any," was
the instant and keen reply.
IF "What's that?" asked a schoolmaster
pointing to the letter X. "It's Daddy's
name." "No, you blockhead, it's X."
"Tin't X neither, it's daddy's name, for I
seed him write it many a time."
17 Said ono apprentico to another—
"Bill," I'd much sooner work for my boss
than your old man." "Why so!" Because
my boss ain't always round the shop, inter
foiing with his own business."
Ben Fisher had finished his hard day's work,
And he sat at his cottage door:
H is good wife, Kate, sat by his side,
And the moon-light danced on the floor; —
The moon-light danced on the cottage floor,
Her beams were clear ahd bright
As when he and Kate, twelve years before,
Talk'd love in her mellow light.
Ben Fisher had never a pipe of clay,
And never a dram drank he:
So hfc|oved at home with his wife to stay,
Ana they chatted right merrily;
Right merrily chattod they on, the while
Her babe slept on her breast;
While the chubby rogue, with rosy smile,
On his father's knee found rest.
Ben told her how fast tho potatoes grew,
And the corn in the lower field ;
And the wheat on the hill was grown to seed,
And promised a glorious yield :
A glorious yield in the summer time,
And his orchard was doing fair;
His sheep and his stock were in their prime,
His farm all in good repair.
Kate said that her gaiden looked beautiful.
Her fowls and her calves were fat;
That the butter that Tommy that morning
churned, •.
Would buy him a Sunday hat;
That Jenny .or Pa a new shirt had mado,
And 'twas done too by the rule;
That Neddy the garden could nicely spado; I
And Ann was ahead at school. |
Bon slowly raised his toil worn hand
Thro' his locks of grayish brown—
"l tell you, Kato, what 1 think," said he,
"We're tho happiest folks in town."
"I know," said Kato, "that we all woik hard-
Work and hoalth go together, I've found ;
For there's Mrs. Bolt does not work at all,
And she's sick the whole year round."
"They're worth their thousands, so people
But I ne'er saw them happy yet ,
'Twould not be me that would take their
gold, %
And live in a constant fret; * r
My humble home has a light within,
Mrs. Bell's gold fcould not buy,
Six healthy children, a merry heart
And a husbi nd's love-lit eye."
I fancied a tear was in Ben's eye—
The moon shone brighter and clearer,
I could not toll why the man shuuld cry,
But he hitched up to Kate still nearer;
He lean'd his head on hor shoulder thero,
And he took her hand in his—
I guoss—(tho' I looked at the moon just then)
lefPon her lips a twee.
A WIFE IN TROUBLE. —"Pray tell mo, niy
dear, what is the cause ot those tears ?"
"Oh, such a disgrace!"
"What disgrace ?"
"Why, I have opened one of your letters,
supposing It addressed to myself. • Certain
ly it looked more like Mrs. than Mr."
"Is that all! What harm can there be in
a wife opening her husband's letters ?"
"No harm in itself. But the contents.
Such a disgrace!"
"What! has any one dared to write me a
letter unfit to be read by my wife* ?"
'O, no. It is couchod in the most chaste
language. But the contents !"
Here the wife buried her face in her hand,
kerchief and commenced sobbing aloud,
when the husband eagerly caught up the let
ter and commenced reading the epistle that
had been the means of nearly breaking his
wife's heart. It was a bill from the Printer
for nine years subscription.
"But, as I said before, we have proved to
you where that town line is. Yes, gentle
men of the jury, there it is, and thero it will
remain forever; and alt the ingenuity of
my learned brother can never efface it—can
never wash it out. No gentlemen ho may
plant ono loot on the utmost verge of the
outermost ring of the planet Saturn, and
plant the other on Arcturus, and seize the
Pleiades by tho hair and wring them till
they are dry, but he cannot wash out that
town line."
CF A certain young clergyman, modest
almost to bashfulness, was once askod by
an apothecary of a contrary charactor, in a
public and crowded assembly, and in a tone
of voice to catch the attention of tho whole
"How it happened that the patriarchs
lived to such an extreme old age J"
To which impertinent question he imme
diately replied,
"Perhaps they took no physic."
IF To bo sold, a thrashing machine, in
good working order. Has birch, cane and
strap barrels.—Warranted to lick a school of
filly boys in twenty minutes, distinguishes
their offences into literary, moral and im
pertinent. Only parted with bocause the
owner has flogged all his own schools away,
and his sons are too big to beat. Don't all
speak at once!
Bad Einphasis,-
A certain preacher read from the pulpit
with such an emphasis as to give it a stran
gely ludicrpus effect; "Saddle me tho ass ;so
they saddled Aim."
The same man read a hymn in which he
gave the word bears in the following couplet
so that it seemed to his congregation a noun
instead of a verb !
Ho takes young children in his arms,
And in his bosom— bears.
GF A man's weddiug day is called his
"bridal day." The orthography of that word
is wrong—it should be written bridle day.
[Two Dollars per Annua,
A vague report ia in circulation, which at
tributes to the distinguished Pro
fessor Agassi*, the expression of an opiuion'
opposed to the generally received doctrine of
the union of the human family, ffe is said
to havo affirmed his belief that the differeu l
races of mankind had, originally, a different
parentage, and that this opinion did not con-'
flict with the testimony of the Scriptures.
On what gronnds either part of this Opinion
was based, we have seen no account. The
deliberate judgment of a naturalist so ertti
nent and so candid as Professor Agassi* is
nnderslood to be, is entitled to much respect,
though it directly opposes authorities which'
are, to say the least, quite as respectable
and the general tendency of scientifia re
searches of late years. It may lead to a
new investigation of the whole subject, and
aid in the discovery of what is the real
truth. That truth when discovered may, or
may not, conflict with our usual interpreta
tion of the Scriptures; but of all persons in
the world'no one should more earnestly de.
sire, or be less afraid of, the discovery of
truth, whether in science or religion, than
the believer. In his firm faith that revela
tion and nature are the products of the same
Power, and that by no scrutiny of science,
or reach of discovery, can any real discrep
ancy between the teachings of the one and
tho truths of tho other, ever be delecteJ, the
Christian can aflbrd to abide the result if
anybody can. ffe has less to foar, and more
to hope for than any other ono ; whatever
dismay the uufoldings of the vast book of
knowledgo may bring to the infidel, he is
sure to find in each successive page the tra
ces of tho same finger that unerringly wrote
for his consolation the sure words of Scrip
It is vary bad policy, as well as bad reli
gion, to indulge any fear of the bearings of
science lipon the truth of revclalion. The
infidel has had his Iriumph repeatedly, but
the jworld knows how short it has been. Ev
ery step of progress into tho arcana of na
ture has beon a triumph for Christianity, and
there is not tho shadow of a reason to fear
any other result for the future. Christianity
is true, whatever else is true ; and we ought
never to allow an issue to be formed which
should involve the question of its trath.
Science may disclose her new trulhs, but
they will not make untrue anything that was
true before. The discovery of a new truths
does not destroy an old truth. What is true
will forever remain true, whatevor else may
be found true. And if there seems to arise
a conflict between tho old truth and tho new,
it will be found to bo only in appearance, if
they both be really true. It is quite possi
ble we do not rightly interpret the Bible in
all respects ; and it is proper to accept an
issne with tho man of science on the ground
of interpretation, and safe to abide tho re
sult. Geology has mado us read anew tho
book of Genesis, with a mnch better and
grander exegesis; and it is quite possible
the progress of discovery and research may
make other modifications of our interpreta
tions. Perhaps the discoveries in the natu
ral history of our race may compel us to a
more critical study of the sacred text, to
evolve a sonse mere in accordance with sci
entific truth. But geology has made no an
nouncements which conflict with revelation,
but, on the contrary, has most strikingly con
firmed its truth. And so would natural his*
tory in the end, whatever its discoveries
may prove to be confirm ail that the Scrip
tures really say respecting our race. Wo
tender no such issue to the infidel, as that if
your philosophy or your science be proved
true, our Bible falls. The Bible cannot pos
sibly come in conflict with scionce. Our in
terpretation of tho Bible may—for wo havo
often to correct that; But the Bible as it real
ly is, nover.— New York Evangelist.
A Cool Operation-
•'Hallo there, Canting!" said a brother
Jonathan to a captain of a canal packet on
the Erio Canal. "What do you charge for
passage ?"
"Three cents por mile, and boarded," said
the captain.
"Wal, I guoss I'll take passage, capting,
seeing as how I am kinder give out walkm
so far."
"Accordingly he got on board just as the
steward was ringing the bell for dinner.
Jonathcn sat down and began to demol
ish the "fixins" to the utter consternation of
the captain, until he cleared the table of al l
that was eatable, when he got up aud went
on deck, picking his teeth very comfortable.
"How far is it, capting, from here to where
I camo aboard 1" '
"Nearly ono and a half miles," said the
"Let's see," said Jonathan, "that would
be just four and a half conts; but never
mind capting, I won't be small; here's five
cents, which pays my fare up to here, I
guess I'll go ashore now ; I'm kinder rested
Tke captain vamosed for the cabin, and
Jonathan went ashore. The captain did not
take any more passengers the remainder of
the Summer.
BP A little girl asked her sister, 'what is
chaos, that papa reads about 1" The older
child replied, "why, it is a great pile of
nothing, and no place to put it in."
ty A woman offering to sign a deed,
the Judge asked her whether her husband
compelled her to sign 1 "He compel mp!"
said the lady, "no, nor twenty, like him:'*

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