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" PLEDGED BUT TO TO LIBERTY AND LAW. 1,50 PER ANNUM, IN ADVANCE. VOLUME XIV. EATON, PEEBLE COOT, 0, JANUARY. 6, 1859. MM'BEB 51. Gen. Vallandigham's Remarks, ON THE BILL TO IMPEACH JUDGE WATROUS, AS TAKEN FROM THE CONGRESSIONAL GLOBE. Judge Watrous is District Judge for the United States, for the Eastern Dis trict of Texas, and was charged before the lower House of Congress, with offi cial corruption. Among other charges, was one, that he had entered into large land speculations, the titles to which de pended principally upon his own de e'sions. Mr. Vallandigham said ; I do s or, indeed, to discuss anything ; bat rather to state briefly the conclusions at which I have arrived, and the reasons which control my vote. I begin just where the gentleman from New York Mr. C. B. Cochrane began. Before inquiry into the facts iu ny case, it is esseutial first to compre hend clearly the law or the principles to which they are to bo applied. By what law, then, ire wo governed ? Up on what principle ought this House to proceed in ordering an impeachment? In what scale shall we weigh, by what rale shall we measure, the facts in this ease? What, sir. is an impeachment under the Constitution of tho United States, and by the House of Represen tatives ? Sir, this case has been heard and argced all along as though it were a trial, and a trial by criminal law. and under a penal statute, and it has been just so argued by the gentleman from New York. Certainly the mistake is most natural; and the course pursued by the committee I speak it most de ferentially a course sustained by but one precedent, and that not in the Uni ted States, has, in ray judgement, caused all this embarrassment. They have heard the whole case; hare examined witnesses in full and at length on be half of the accused, and have reportod not only the whole testimony before them, but elaborate arguments in de fence of th: conclusion at which they have severally arrived. But all this docs not change the nature of an im peachment, nor the duty of tho House. And here, sir, at the very threshold, it becomes us to lay aside old habits and associations. Whoever hears of an im peachment, thinks involuntarily of great orators and great criminals: of Cicero and Verrcs, of Burke and Hastings. Splendid visions rise up before him. Every lawyer, too, turns at onec to Hale's Pleas of the Crown, or Chitty's Criminal Law, for the rule an'' practice overning impeachments. Now, sir, gguinst all this, I maintain that impeacl -ment with us is not a criminal proceed ing at all. We are not a grand inquest; we are not a grand jury; and all ana logies drawn fr m them, tend only to mislead and confuse. Impeachments in England and the United States are two essentially different things. They difftr in the persons who-may be im peached; they dilfer in the object of impeachment; they differ in Hie nature and jurisdiction of the tribunal, and in the punishment that follows upon con vietion. In England the high court of Parliament is strictly a criminal court, and a court of public and general juris diction. It is so treated in all the books; and it is as much, and as closely bound by the rules of law and evidence, as in th,e Court of King's Bench. All per sons Lords and Commons, officers and private persons may alike be tri ed by it, they may be tried for any of fence, and may be put under arrest pending the trial. The punishment is the same as upon conviction in any oth er court, extending even to the death penalty; and the nature aod purpose of tho tribunal is the punishment or re pression of crime. Not so under our Constitution. The Senate of the United States is not a criminal jurisdiction. It exercises no judicial power other than impeachment; and even here its power is not strictly judicial. None but civil officers arc subject to impeachment, and the judg ment not the punishment, for that word is not used extends no further than removal from office and political disability. The accused is not liable to arrest, and the case may proceed, tho' he should refuse to appear. There can be no conviction unless two thirds of tho Senate concur; and neither life, lib crty, nor estate is affected by it. Tho' the offender were the President of the United States, a great State erimina1, convicted of treason, hatohod and con. summated here within tho very capital ; yet could not a hair of his head be touched. You could not even put him under arrest pending the trial. And wore than this, neither conviction nor ncquittal by the Senate can be plead in bar of an indictment for the same of fense, pending in a court of ordinary criminal jurisdiction, nor can the judg ment of the Senate be given in evidence upon such trial. These incidents, sir, all indicate un mistakably that impeachment with us is not a criminal proceeding, and what we are not to look for the rules and prac tice which govern in to the common law of England, nor yet even to the usages of Parliament, but only to the Consti tution of the United States and our own practice under it. By that instrument it is limited and defined; and we arc as lunch bound to respect these definitions and limitations as any other, part of the Constitution. What, thou, palpably., are the objects of impeachment under our Government? 1 answer first, restraint upon public of ficers, and secondly, the removal of such as shall in any manner misdemean. Except, indeed, so far as it may be re garded as a restraint upon those who bold office for n fixed term, it is of value only or chiefly as to offices held for life. These are the judges of our Federal courts, and they are answerable before no other tribunal; they are subject to no other check; our Constitution has exacted no other security for their good behavior. And even this is not imper ative to its full extent upon the Senate. Political disability does not ncceaaarikv ilTow upon conviction, since theSen- ate may do no more than remove from office. Impeachment, sir, is no engine of oppression here. There is no danger of its abuse. Indeed the difficulties which attend upon its successful prose cution render it of little value even as a restraint. Tyranny is always simple in its Appliances, and will never resort to saeh cumbrous machinery as impeach ment. What, I inquire next, are the offence for which impeachment lies under our Constitution ? Gentlemen hae argued as though some great crime must be charged, in order to justify it. Not so; treason, bribery, and high crimes, arc indeed enumerated; but that is not all. Misdemeanors, also, are included. Whoso shall mis'lrmean himself in any civil office, shall be liable to impeach ment. And this is especially so in the case of the judges of our Federal courts. They ''during good behavior." Misde meanor is misbehavior. It is so in lex icography, and it is so in law. I read from Blackstone. ' In common usage, the word 'crime' is made to denote such ottcnecs as are of a deeper and more atrocious dye ;- while smaller faults and omis ions of less consequence, arc comprised under the gentler name ol 'misdemeanor only." Whit then is judicial misbehavior or- misdcmcanOT? Ihat, sir, depends whol ly upon the standard which you shall fix for judicial character and conduct Mine, I Confess, is the highest. I would have both as pure as the '-tann d snow. that's bolted by the northern blasts. twice o'er," and as spotless as the er mine which was once thccmblem of Ju dicial purify. The integrity of the judge on-rlit to ho nhnfp siKTiif ion in hisiireat oificc. I would have him the sanctissi- mus judex of the Romans; for to t'le lit igant in his court he stands in the place of God. Save impeachment, he is sub ject to no responsibility except an en lightened conscience and a religious sense of duty. Theoretically, indeed, the judicary is in every country, to a great extent, of necessity an arbitary power. Even when hedged in by law there yet remains the vast field of '-judicial dis cretions;" and beyond all that lies the boundless ocean of the '-interpretation of laws"' the great business of the judge. Sir,thcrc arc ten thousand ways in which a corrupt, a weak, or a prejudiced judge a judge hostile or friendly to the lit igant, or what is more common, to the lawyer, may prevert justice pollute its pure fountains, and do foul wrong in the cause; and yet none but he who has suf fered know it. These are the false weights which it so easy, unpcrceivcd.to throw into the scales of justice. Add now, to all this, that the judical power like the invisible and inpalpabic air which surrounds us, penetrates every where and effects every relation of life that it extends even to life itself, to lib erty, to property in all its infinite com plications; to marriage, divorce, paren tage, master and servant, and finally pursues us cveu after death in the dis tribution of estates; nay, that the very monuments of the dead, the dull, cold marble in whieh they sleep, are the sub jects of its destroying or protecting hand. There is no department of its govern ment, therefore, which is so liable to abuse as the judicary; but to the honor of America and of human nature be it said, there is none where so little abuse prevails. In seventy years this is the first example of the impeachment of a judge demanded because of alleged cor ruption in office for p 1 ate gair. Arbi tary and dissolute judges have indeed been impeached, though in but two or three instances during that long period yet nonc'for corruption. Hut if frequent it is nevertheless the most atrocious, and in its consequences to the judiciary and to the public the most dangerous crime which u judge can commit; for "there is no happiness, there is no liberty, there is uo enjoyment of life, unless a man can say, when he rises in the morning, I shall bo subject to the decision of no unjostjudge to-day." V hat, I inquire next, is ihc province of the House of Representatives here ? The Constitution defines it? You have the sole power of impeachment. What is it to impeach ? Certainly not to try that is the solo right of the Senate. To impeach is simply to accuse. We do not try, we have no right to try, the ques tion of the guilt or innocence of the ac cused. I have not in this case made up my mind definitely upon that point, be cause I am not willing to usurp the pro vince or anticipate the judgment of the Senate. Wo are not judges, we are not grand jurors; wc do not act under special oath we are acting in our representative ca pacity. Our province is to accuse to prosecute: and when your committee shal appear at the bar of the Senate. they will impeach or accuse in the name of the House Representatives. In that high court of impeachment, also wc sit during the trials as accusers. Wc are bound, therefore, by no more technical rules of law and evidence, we are under no obligation other than that highest of all obligation a sense of duty alike to the people and to the accused. Into ur hands the Constitution has committed the guardianship and in the cae of' officers held for life the sole guardian ship of the rights of the many who do not hold office against the few who do. Certainly, sir, no man ought to be light ly accused .of. eJtsa official misconduct or abuse of public trust. But where there is no other restraint or redress; where the office is judical and for life; where the trust is so delicate and mo mentous in its nature, and so open to abuse, where public opinion usually is silent, and even the press cares not to speak out, this House ought, in my judg ment, to pe.if not swift, certainly not slow to hasten to the complaints of those who invoke its process to summon the c-eused into court. AH other courts stand open night and day, and it is the high constitutional right of every citi zen to demand their process as of course. Rut between this high court of impeach ment, which alone under our Constitu tion holds the power of redress of offi cial wrong and oppression, stands the House of Representatives Am I. not right, then in saying that we ought not too hastily to deny the only process by which such oppression and wrong may be redressed? If indeed, the case be pal pably frivolous, or the prosecution plain ly malicious, it is our duty promptly, if not indignantly, to refuse, van any one will any one, say that this is such a case ? But it has been said that there is too much doubt and perplexity in this case and that, therefore, there ought to be no impeachment. Not so. We have no power to try and acquit; and these very perplexities and doubts, if, indeed, any such there are, especially after the ac cused has been heard fully in his de fense, are, of themselves, enough to jus tify this House in sending the case to the Senato for adjudiation. What ! shall we deny to Judge Watrou's accusers the onl j process by which he can be brought into court and put upon trial? Let it be remembered that the charge is corruption, and the accused a judge. Sir, I, too, am for the independence of the judiciary, but I am for its purity first. Howsoever I might vote upon the question of the life tenure and mode of appointment of the judiciary, in a convention assembled to frame anew a constitution fcr the United States, lam opposed to any change in that instru ment in these respects now. But I will be the more exact, filty fold, in en forcing the only other restraint and remedy which the Constitution lias de vised. Corruption, moneyed corruption and we have heard it from high au thority is steadily, though with noise less, but most guilty tread, stealing irrto other departments of our Government. Legislation here, it is said, has been controlled by it; and this House has not been slow to appoint committees of in vestigation fouuded upon but rumor alone. Sir, some years hence I dare not say centuries scats in this House may perhaps be openly bought and sold. Ihey have long been merchandise in the House of Commons. But in En land the judiciary is pure ana incor rupt, and England still survives. For one, Mr. Speaker, wheresoever else in this Government corruption may come, or how tar soever elsewhere it may be carried, I demand that there shall be preserved one citadel at least within which public virtue may retire and stand intrenched. These, then, in my judgment, are the principles, and these the considerations, upon which the House ought to proceed and 03 governed in ordering an lm pcachmcnt and applying them now to the testimony reported by the commit tee, for my single self I am obliged to vote for this impeachment. Romance vs. Common Sense. The New York Tribune publishes an article arguing against the young folks running away from home to get spliced. We extract. Thero is some truth to bo told about the "common run" of masculine prowl eis by night about garden walls and un der bed room windows in quest of op portunities to pour seducing flatteries into the cars of simple misses; but we have not time to tell it now. As a general rule they are licentious, good-for-nothing adventures, who would ra ther marry a living than work for it, and who speculate on the chances of 'bringing the old folks round" after a year or two. A true man would not advise, much less urge, the woman he loved, to take a step which must inevi tably lesson the respect felt for, and vi olate the trust reposed in her by those who had loved and cherished her all her days. The marriago of girls of fourteen to seventeen years is a very prevalent cause of personal and transmitted evil and suffering. Prematurely taxed with the care and nourishment of children, their constitutions give way. and at thirty they are alraady on the down hill of life. Eighteen is tho youngest age at which any one should marry, twenty or twen ty three is much better. The man who reached the height of politeness disappeared iu the clouds. an Select Poetry. Select Poetry. How Shall I Wee Thee? If I speak to thee in frier name, Thou say st I speak If I mention Love's devc Thou say'st I speak to Between these two uncqua Why doom my soul to I'm a frietuL, . if such thy If more thou wilt, a lot Which phalli t be? He Dear one ! c Tho' the wings of love may lightly play When first he conies to woo thee ; There's a chance that he might fly away As fast as he comes to thee ; While Friendship, tho' on foot she come, No flights of fancy trying, Will therefore oft be found at home, While love abroad is flyiag I Which shall it be? How shall I woo? Pear one ! choose between the two, But if neither passion suit thy heart, I'll try to please thee whether I may not find some precious art To bind these charms together. A feeling still more sweet to find From two, so sweet already. A Friendship, that like love is kind, A love, like Friendship steady. Thus let it be ! Thus let me woo j le r one! Thus we'll join the two. Select Poetry. How Shall I Wee Thee? Select Miscellany Casting out the Devils. I had an Irishman, named Mike Flinn working for me last summer, and although a stout built able bodied man, he was I can siy, the laziest mortal I ever saw. I determined to cure him of that and make him earn a little more than his salt if I could; so making a confident of Panl D. we arranged our programme, and got all ready for the game. So one morning the girls being in the secret Mike was sent far in great haste. The messenger found him quietly re posing under a shady tree, smoking his black pipe, while the team was dragging the plough off in search of better grass. Mike came slowly up to the door, but HQ annrrn-r USUI TTC tOU.-.r.nq Ui5 lnte-h than he was tumbled, by some invisible agency, off the steps on the ground.- -He arose, scratched his head in amaze ment, and tried it again, and once more bo measured his length on the ground. "Murther! Murther!" he cried, "I'm kilt l m kilt r ' What's the matter, Mike?" said I. coming to the door and opening it ; "what arc you laying on the ground for. Why don t you get up and come in the house ?" "Is it come in the house you mane, sir? The divil a bit can I rise, at all. Och, Holy Mother, how me arm aches I"' " ell, Alike, said I, "its my opin ion that you have been a good for nothing lazy fellow, and you are be witched !" The bait took Mike was in an agony of terror, uutil I pron.is-'d to try and drive out the devil if I could. "But remember, Mike," said I, stern ly, "if you are cured of this devil, and don't work better, 111 send ten more iu the place of him. Accordingly he was brought in the house, and laid on a bed, prepared for the purpose. "Now," I cried, "Mike, readv ?"' are youj I j "Ready for what, sir ?" "To have the devil driven out of you, to be sure." "Yes," he yelled, "and the saints be wid ye, darlint !" The Battery, in the meantime, had been charged as heavily as possible, and at a signal from me, Paul, who stood close by the door, waiting, let on the whole charge. The effect was fearful, but Mike's constitution stood it, alt ho' it made the tears start, while, as he said afterwards, he could feel the "old fel low" crawling out of him. To wind up the joke, and make him remember it, we told him thcro was an other big fellow left and we'd try some thing else for him. Accordingly, we gave him six seid litz powders, dissolved in two separate tumblers, making him swallow the con tents of the first and then the second. As may be imagined, Mike's mouth soon resembled a mimic fire engine un der full headway. "U-u-u-uh ! b-b-boo ! s-s-s spool" out poured the torrent, in every direc tion, as the poor' fellow tumbled to the floor. 'Hurra, Mike ! thero goes the last one all right I The fit lasted about five minutes, leaving him as weak as an iufant. He was well eared for, and soon recovered, but, remembering our severe lesson, he became, and is now one ol my faithful hands. He, to this day, tells the won dering listeners of his escape from the evil one, adding, that the last devil was the murthoring fiend himself. 'He kicked and squirmed in me body like a big whale in the ocean, and sure and didn't he come out wid the foam flying around him bloody nager, as he was." JVeic York Meremrg. The Syracuse Journal gives us infallible remedy tor the "out Bo.ard with a printer. w An Amateur Stump Orator. Clarksville (Tenn.) Chronicle tells a true tale upon one of the fresh fledged orators of that prolific county, which is good enough to keep. It was told the narrator by an eye-witness. He says : Himself and another prominent ci ti re n were opposing electors in our coun ty, during an exciting period in our po litical history, when party conventions and gatherings were quite numerous. One of these came off in a neighboring I county, during the progress of their race the designated day the two electors turn ed their Rosinantcs toward the Conven tion and unaware of each other's inten tion of going thither, one was some miles in advance cf the other, but riding with such leisurely pace as consorted with a habit of oratorical improvisation to which he was addicted, was overtaken by his opponent, who recognizing him ahead, rode stealthily up, to surprise him by his unexpected proximity. Just as bo was about to make known his presence, a sudden clapping of his op ponents hands, and vehement shouting of his name, arrested bis attention, and he listened for the denoumcnt. After some moments' pause, as if waiting some imaginary acclamation to subside, his opponent threw himself back in the saddle and thns began his exordium, gracefully gesticulating the while to his viewless audience : "Fel low citizens, I thank you most warmly for the high compliment of this enthu siastic call to the stand, just after it has been vacated by such distinguished ora tors; but whilst I feel deeply grateful for the unmerited honor, it but tenfold enhances my diffidence and distrust, thus to follow in the wake of that cla rion eloquence whose tones are yet ring ing in your cars. And fellow-citizens, I assure you nothing would induce me to respond to your call, under such dis advantages, but a lofty faith in the cause which I advocate. 'Thrice is he armed, who hath his quarrel just,' and panoplied in the invincible armor of Democracy I stand before you here to day, gentlemen, an humble, but a fear less champion ot that glorious cause, which has redeemed, regenerated and disenthralled a crushing and bleeding world !" Here pawned, with tremendous clap "plng of his hands andshouts of "Oh, my . go it my ," calling his own name. ilie fancied applause subsiding, he resumed : "Chosen gen tlemen, by the Democracy of my county as their standard-bearer in this contest, I have planted the proud banner, in victorious triumph, on many a hard fought field. Wielding the ponder ous mace of Democratic truth, I have cloven my opponent down through head plate, skull, brains, backbone, and bow els, and left him like a shapeless mass of thunderriven, Jovc-splittcd humani ty !" Just at this impetuous rush of his oratory, a loud laugh from Ins list ener behind, overwhelmed him with dis comfiture; but he recovered the next moment by the following apt quotation fiom his favorite author : "Angels and ministers of grace defend us ! v hat may this mean, that thou, dead corse, revisits thus the glimpses of the sun. making day hideous, and we fools of Nature to shake so horribly in our dis positions. Hoops, False Hair, High Heels nd Matrimony. An act was intro- ilncpil info tho Kflfrtuth Vnrlinmont in - jy, - i,(,at all women, of whatever age, rank, profession or degree, whether vir gins, maids or widows, that shall, trom and after sueh act, impose upon, seduce, and betray into matrimony, any of his Majesty's male subjects, by the scents, paints, cosmetic wishes, artificial teeth, false hair, Spanish wool, iron stays, hoops, or high heeled shoes, or bolster ed hips, shall incur the penalty of the law now in force against witch-craft and like misdemeanors, and that the mar riage, upon conviction, shall stand null and void." Eathcn Spike, a brother of the Poet Whitticr, in a late contribution to the portland (Me.) Transcript, thus re lieves himself on waltzing: "I do think of all the graceless Ag gers of the maizy dance, which light, fantastical toes is capable of doin', waltz in' is tho most graccfuller. The hull figure as it is I understand both sim ile and naternal. It's huggin' that's what it is. Sects jest make themselves into actyvo and passyve they hug and get hugged. It's real good, and I like it, thought I must say thercs rather more satisfaction huggin' a girl tew hum, than right out afore folks." BSu How many volumes might be written on the power of trifles ! A sin gle atom like aciphor in arithmatic.may assume incalculable importance from its! position. A spider web saved Mahome ! from his pursuers. The frailty of count Julian's daughter introduced the Sara cens into Spain. Cromwell came near being strangled by a monkey. Henry VIII was smitten with the beauty of a girl of eighteen, and lo ! the Reforma tion. B3u Five glasses of whiskey and a gallon of beer will enable one to see a sea serpent, even on dry land. Tub World's Opinion. Every wo man is in the wrong until she cries,. an4 then she is. in, the right instantly. Personal Preaching. "Sir," said a lady one fine Sunday, to a siergyman, just after the morning ser vices was concluded, "sir, I hope you win not preacn tunc sermon again. "Why not, Madam V ' It was so very personal." "Indeed, what part of it?" "Oh ! that part of it about worldly minaeaness and covetousness. "Rut how could that be personal the remarks were general enough ? "You may not have attended to apply personally but tho congregation it "Why, to me." The lady and the clergyman parted, but not very cordially, as she could not extort from him a promise "never to preach on worldly minded any more." A week passed over, and, on the Sun day following, the same clergyman preached on the subject of "providing all things honest," &c; his text occurr ing in the service of the day, which generally guided him in the selections ot his subjects. "An mis sermon, (tno t he) there is nothing to excite the feel ings of the lady who complained of the former discourse;" but on the follow ing, as he was fetching the letters from the post-office, he encountered the lady's coachman. "If you please," said John, touching Jus hat, "if you please, sir, I can ex plain all about the hats." "Explain all about the hats, John ! I don't understand you." "Why, sir, the hats as you preached about yesterday." "The hats I preached about yester day ?'" "Yes; I quite understood you." "That's more than I can do as to you, John; pray explain yourself." "Why, sir, you see, Misses and me had a row about the livery hats ; and me, sir, and the butler and footman, felt sure as how Missus had set you to preach to us." "Well, John, call at my place on your way home." John did so, and the sermon was pro duced and read to him. "Yes, that's it," said John. "Can you read writing, ohn?" "Yes, sir." "Well, now look at the outside of that sermon, and you see that it was written twelve years ago; and the rea son it was prcacnea yesrsraay, was us cause the text came in the course of the service. I knew nothing about your quarrel, and your mistress has not spo ken to me i-iuco the Sunday before last." John confessed himself satisfied. "I see John that hats will sometimes fit as well as caps; good morning to you." School Girls in Winter. We wish to put in a special plea for the girls. Make their dresses short enough to swing clear of the snow and mud, and give them good water proof boots, to wear to school. Yes, we insist upon it they should have boots. Women's shoes of the present fashion aie no more fit to put upon country roads in winter than an Indian's birch bark canoe is fit to cross the Atlantic. Boots will not look quite so trim about the ankle, or step so lightly upon the floor, but they will do what is of more consequence preserve the health to show off these graces in after life, and to take a great many clastic steps that otherwise might be fewer, and those leading directly down to the grave. Another tiling we arc glad to see coming in lashion : tne ladies are learn ing to skate, and for this they must have boots. Now, girls, get each of you a pair of neat whiter boots, and pair of skates to fit, and the first ice that forms in your neighborhood, large enough,go out with your brothers, or somebody else's brothers, and learn to skate. Be prudent about it, and not overdo the ex ercise and you will find it a capita mcd cinc next to horseback riding. The only way to bring about a race of healthy women, is to attend to the physical develop aicnfs of tho girls be fore they arc diluted in tne Fy3. tern of fashionable accomplishmcnt,that fits them for nothing but elegan t imbeciles. Ohio Cultivator. Said a philosophical old gen- tlcman to his "hopeful. "My son, when hackman take the temperance pledge, and the police rcfu ses bribes; when an omnibus halfcmpty goes the same pace as a full one; when the laws of private property extend to um brellas, and when a bachelor in lodg ings finds a shirt without a button off, then, oh my son ! thou mayest chance to find a wife who will not object to travel without eight-and-twenty packa ges, and who will show herself possess ed of such angelic self-denial, as even to refuse thihe offer of a dress, simply because she thinks she doesn't need it." They arc a clever set of fellows in Indianapolis. The Sontinal of that city says that several churches which hold Thursday evening prayer meetings propose to commenco their services an hour tarlicr than usual, to give the mem bers an opportunity to attend the thea ter on the same oveniug. This is ac commodating. The smiles of home are exceed ingly pleasant, but there are many peo ple who have good houses, and who prefer smiling with a friend outside. Man's Map of the "Here's to internal improve ments," as Dobbs said when be swal lowed a dose of salts. Politicians make fools of them selves; pettifoggers makefoois of others, and petticoats fool them both. SQ6 "Terrible pressure in the money market," as the mouse said when the keg of specie rolled over him. Bb- "This is a hard fortune !" as ti.e Why is love like a dock's leg ? Because it is often hid in the breast. t Were it not for the tears that fill our eyos, wLat an ocean would Ul our breasts ! VSf "I've got some urgent business on hand," as the fox said when the dogs were after him. What kind of braces do ladies prefer? Embraces. Why is a piece of sterile ground like a certain toilci. article ? Because its bare soil (bear's oil.) "Don't rob yourself," as the far mer said to the lawyer, when he called him hard names. "Remember the poor !" Oh yes, we all remember them, and "don't do anything else." jn, Say nothing about yourself ei ther good, bad or indifferent; nothing good, for that is vanity; nothing bad, for that is affectation: nothing indiffer ent, for that is silly. WS A writer in the Spirit of the Times, calls the ceremony of kissing each other, as is performed by young ladies, "a dreadful waste of the rata ma terial. Hffi A woman has been arrested in New Albany for stealing old iron; she had fourteen pounds of it secreted in her bosom. Guess her offence weighed heavily upon her. A man with a large family was complaining of '.he difficulty of support ing all of them. "But," said a friend, "you have sons big enough to earn something fur you now.'' "Tho difficulty is, Ihey are too Vig to work," was the answer. A western editor requests those of his subscribers who owe him for more than six years subscription to send him a lock of their hair, so that 1 c will know they are living. fij3. An Irishman called into a store, and priced a pair of gloves. He was told they came to ten shillings. "Och, by my sowl, thin," says he, "I'd sooner my hands'd go barefoot than pay that price for 'em.'1 8-Cox by an old BAcn.-Why is the husband of a scolding wife and father ot a household of crying children like a railroad ? Because he has a great many cross-ties. B$u The remark having bein made that it would soon become the fashion to wear short drosses, Mrs. Partington made a remark that whether fashion said so or not, her dresses were always short, for she never had but two at a time. What a marvel of domestic econ omy and sweet wisdom that woman is !. Isn't she ? E5u An editor up in Minnesota snyst that he was never happy but once in his life, and what was on a warm summer's day, when he lay in the laps of two' blooming maidens, being fanned by a third, and kissed by all three. "Gosh f BfQLove is like ambition it silences the conscience and throws the vail of oblivion over the most sacred promises. 19" Atabastes of a very superior quality is found in large deposits in the hills near the missions of Soledad an 1 San Antonio, in Monterey county, Cal ifornia. It is clean, close grained, very fine and 'translucent, and can be cut with a knife, Its color is a beautiful light cream. 83? A western publisher gave notice that he intended to spend fifty dollars for the purpose of getting up a new head for his paper. The next day one of his subscribers sent him the following note : "Don't do it. Better keep the money and buy a new head for the editor." 8 Night keeps man alive without fire, candles, meat, drink, or clothing all he asks is a bed. Tho poorest man is as happy as a king the moment he lies down, and, fortunately, he has to stand up only half his time. The Prayer op FAiTn. A little boy and his brother were lost in a west ern forest. On giving an account of the circumstance after they were found the little fellow said : "It grew dark, and I knctlcd down and asked God to take care of little Johnny, and then went to sleep." How touching! how simple! how sublime ! That was true faith that was genuine prayer. Da vid himself did not exceed it when he said : "I will both lay mo down inr peace and sleep ; for thou, Lord only tnakest me to dwell in safety." Perhaps the little boy learned his lesson of trust in God from the royal Psalmist. n3X A French electrician, in San Francisco, announces that he has dis covered how to take gold from a qnartz rock by electricity. W&T The Happy World Home.