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Preble County Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1857-1859, January 06, 1859, Image 1

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JL Q. & C. M. GOULD, Editors and Publishers.
MM'BEB 51.
Gen. Vallandigham's Remarks,
Judge Watrous is District Judge for
the United States, for the Eastern Dis
trict of Texas, and was charged before
the lower House of Congress, with offi
cial corruption. Among other charges,
was one, that he had entered into large
land speculations, the titles to which de
pended principally upon his own de
e'sions. Mr. Vallandigham said ; I do s
or, indeed, to discuss anything ; bat
rather to state briefly the conclusions at
which I have arrived, and the reasons
which control my vote.
I begin just where the gentleman
from New York Mr. C. B. Cochrane
began. Before inquiry into the facts iu
ny case, it is esseutial first to compre
hend clearly the law or the principles
to which they are to bo applied. By
what law, then, ire wo governed ? Up
on what principle ought this House to
proceed in ordering an impeachment?
In what scale shall we weigh, by what
rale shall we measure, the facts in this
ease? What, sir. is an impeachment
under the Constitution of tho United
States, and by the House of Represen
tatives ? Sir, this case has been heard
and argced all along as though it were
a trial, and a trial by criminal law. and
under a penal statute, and it has been
just so argued by the gentleman from
New York. Certainly the mistake is
most natural; and the course pursued
by the committee I speak it most de
ferentially a course sustained by but
one precedent, and that not in the Uni
ted States, has, in ray judgement, caused
all this embarrassment. They have
heard the whole case; hare examined
witnesses in full and at length on be
half of the accused, and have reportod
not only the whole testimony before
them, but elaborate arguments in de
fence of th: conclusion at which they
have severally arrived. But all this
docs not change the nature of an im
peachment, nor the duty of tho House.
And here, sir, at the very threshold,
it becomes us to lay aside old habits and
associations. Whoever hears of an im
peachment, thinks involuntarily of great
orators and great criminals: of Cicero
and Verrcs, of Burke and Hastings.
Splendid visions rise up before him.
Every lawyer, too, turns at onec to
Hale's Pleas of the Crown, or Chitty's
Criminal Law, for the rule an'' practice
overning impeachments. Now, sir,
gguinst all this, I maintain that impeacl -ment
with us is not a criminal proceed
ing at all. We are not a grand inquest;
we are not a grand jury; and all ana
logies drawn fr m them, tend only to
mislead and confuse. Impeachments
in England and the United States are
two essentially different things. They
difftr in the persons who-may be im
peached; they dilfer in the object of
impeachment; they differ in Hie nature
and jurisdiction of the tribunal, and in
the punishment that follows upon con
vietion. In England the high court of
Parliament is strictly a criminal court,
and a court of public and general juris
diction. It is so treated in all the books;
and it is as much, and as closely bound
by the rules of law and evidence, as in
th,e Court of King's Bench. All per
sons Lords and Commons, officers
and private persons may alike be tri
ed by it, they may be tried for any of
fence, and may be put under arrest
pending the trial. The punishment is
the same as upon conviction in any oth
er court, extending even to the death
penalty; and the nature aod purpose of
tho tribunal is the punishment or re
pression of crime.
Not so under our Constitution. The
Senate of the United States is not a
criminal jurisdiction. It exercises no
judicial power other than impeachment;
and even here its power is not strictly
judicial. None but civil officers arc
subject to impeachment, and the judg
ment not the punishment, for that
word is not used extends no further
than removal from office and political
disability. The accused is not liable to
arrest, and the case may proceed, tho'
he should refuse to appear. There can
be no conviction unless two thirds of
tho Senate concur; and neither life, lib
crty, nor estate is affected by it. Tho'
the offender were the President of the
United States, a great State erimina1,
convicted of treason, hatohod and con.
summated here within tho very capital ;
yet could not a hair of his head be
touched. You could not even put him
under arrest pending the trial. And
wore than this, neither conviction nor
ncquittal by the Senate can be plead in
bar of an indictment for the same of
fense, pending in a court of ordinary
criminal jurisdiction, nor can the judg
ment of the Senate be given in evidence
upon such trial.
These incidents, sir, all indicate un
mistakably that impeachment with us is
not a criminal proceeding, and what we
are not to look for the rules and prac
tice which govern in to the common law
of England, nor yet even to the usages
of Parliament, but only to the Consti
tution of the United States and our own
practice under it. By that instrument
it is limited and defined; and we arc as
lunch bound to respect these definitions
and limitations as any other, part of the
What, thou, palpably., are the objects
of impeachment under our Government?
1 answer first, restraint upon public of
ficers, and secondly, the removal of such
as shall in any manner misdemean.
Except, indeed, so far as it may be re
garded as a restraint upon those who
bold office for n fixed term, it is of value
only or chiefly as to offices held for life.
These are the judges of our Federal
courts, and they are answerable before
no other tribunal; they are subject to
no other check; our Constitution has
exacted no other security for their good
behavior. And even this is not imper
ative to its full extent upon the Senate.
Political disability does not ncceaaarikv
ilTow upon conviction, since theSen-
ate may do no more than remove from
office. Impeachment, sir, is no engine
of oppression here. There is no danger
of its abuse. Indeed the difficulties
which attend upon its successful prose
cution render it of little value even as a
restraint. Tyranny is always simple in
its Appliances, and will never resort to
saeh cumbrous machinery as impeach
ment. What, I inquire next, are the offence
for which impeachment lies under our
Constitution ? Gentlemen hae argued
as though some great crime must be
charged, in order to justify it. Not so;
treason, bribery, and high crimes, arc
indeed enumerated; but that is not all.
Misdemeanors, also, are included.
Whoso shall mis'lrmean himself in any
civil office, shall be liable to impeach
ment. And this is especially so in the
case of the judges of our Federal courts.
They ''during good behavior." Misde
meanor is misbehavior. It is so in lex
icography, and it is so in law. I read
from Blackstone.
' In common usage, the word 'crime'
is made to denote such ottcnecs as are
of a deeper and more atrocious dye ;-
while smaller faults and omis ions of
less consequence, arc comprised under
the gentler name ol 'misdemeanor
Whit then is judicial misbehavior or-
misdcmcanOT? Ihat, sir, depends whol
ly upon the standard which you shall
fix for judicial character and conduct
Mine, I Confess, is the highest. I would
have both as pure as the '-tann d snow.
that's bolted by the northern blasts.
twice o'er," and as spotless as the er
mine which was once thccmblem of Ju
dicial purify. The integrity of the judge
on-rlit to ho nhnfp siKTiif ion in hisiireat
oificc. I would have him the sanctissi-
mus judex of the Romans; for to t'le lit
igant in his court he stands in the place
of God. Save impeachment, he is sub
ject to no responsibility except an en
lightened conscience and a religious
sense of duty. Theoretically, indeed, the
judicary is in every country, to a great
extent, of necessity an arbitary power.
Even when hedged in by law there yet
remains the vast field of '-judicial dis
cretions;" and beyond all that lies the
boundless ocean of the '-interpretation
of laws"' the great business of the judge.
Sir,thcrc arc ten thousand ways in which
a corrupt, a weak, or a prejudiced judge
a judge hostile or friendly to the lit
igant, or what is more common, to the
lawyer, may prevert justice pollute its
pure fountains, and do foul wrong in the
cause; and yet none but he who has suf
fered know it. These are the false
weights which it so easy, unpcrceivcd.to
throw into the scales of justice. Add
now, to all this, that the judical power
like the invisible and inpalpabic air
which surrounds us, penetrates every
where and effects every relation of life
that it extends even to life itself, to lib
erty, to property in all its infinite com
plications; to marriage, divorce, paren
tage, master and servant, and finally
pursues us cveu after death in the dis
tribution of estates; nay, that the very
monuments of the dead, the dull, cold
marble in whieh they sleep, are the sub
jects of its destroying or protecting
There is no department of its govern
ment, therefore, which is so liable to
abuse as the judicary; but to the honor
of America and of human nature be it
said, there is none where so little abuse
prevails. In seventy years this is the
first example of the impeachment of a
judge demanded because of alleged cor
ruption in office for p 1 ate gair. Arbi
tary and dissolute judges have indeed
been impeached, though in but two or
three instances during that long period
yet nonc'for corruption. Hut if frequent
it is nevertheless the most atrocious, and
in its consequences to the judiciary and
to the public the most dangerous crime
which u judge can commit; for "there is
no happiness, there is no liberty, there
is uo enjoyment of life, unless a man
can say, when he rises in the morning,
I shall bo subject to the decision of no
unjostjudge to-day."
V hat, I inquire next, is ihc province
of the House of Representatives here ?
The Constitution defines it? You have
the sole power of impeachment. What
is it to impeach ? Certainly not to try
that is the solo right of the Senate. To
impeach is simply to accuse. We do not
try, we have no right to try, the ques
tion of the guilt or innocence of the ac
cused. I have not in this case made up
my mind definitely upon that point, be
cause I am not willing to usurp the pro
vince or anticipate the judgment of the
Wo are not judges, we are not grand
jurors; wc do not act under special oath
we are acting in our representative ca
pacity. Our province is to accuse to
prosecute: and when your committee
shal appear at the bar of the Senate.
they will impeach or accuse in the name
of the House Representatives. In that
high court of impeachment, also wc sit
during the trials as accusers. Wc are
bound, therefore, by no more technical
rules of law and evidence, we are under
no obligation other than that highest of
all obligation a sense of duty alike to
the people and to the accused. Into ur
hands the Constitution has committed
the guardianship and in the cae of'
officers held for life the sole guardian
ship of the rights of the many who do
not hold office against the few who do.
Certainly, sir, no man ought to be light
ly accused .of. eJtsa official misconduct
or abuse of public trust. But where
there is no other restraint or redress;
where the office is judical and for life;
where the trust is so delicate and mo
mentous in its nature, and so open to
abuse, where public opinion usually is
silent, and even the press cares not to
speak out, this House ought, in my judg
ment, to pe.if not swift, certainly not
slow to hasten to the complaints of those
who invoke its process to summon the
c-eused into court. AH other courts
stand open night and day, and it is the
high constitutional right of every citi
zen to demand their process as of course.
Rut between this high court of impeach
ment, which alone under our Constitu
tion holds the power of redress of offi
cial wrong and oppression, stands the
House of Representatives Am I. not
right, then in saying that we ought not
too hastily to deny the only process by
which such oppression and wrong may
be redressed? If indeed, the case be pal
pably frivolous, or the prosecution plain
ly malicious, it is our duty promptly, if
not indignantly, to refuse, van any one
will any one, say that this is such a
case ?
But it has been said that there is too
much doubt and perplexity in this case
and that, therefore, there ought to be
no impeachment. Not so. We have no
power to try and acquit; and these very
perplexities and doubts, if, indeed, any
such there are, especially after the ac
cused has been heard fully in his de
fense, are, of themselves, enough to jus
tify this House in sending the case to
the Senato for adjudiation. What ! shall
we deny to Judge Watrou's accusers the
onl j process by which he can be brought
into court and put upon trial?
Let it be remembered that the charge
is corruption, and the accused a judge.
Sir, I, too, am for the independence of
the judiciary, but I am for its purity
first. Howsoever I might vote upon
the question of the life tenure and mode
of appointment of the judiciary, in a
convention assembled to frame anew a
constitution fcr the United States, lam
opposed to any change in that instru
ment in these respects now. But I
will be the more exact, filty fold, in en
forcing the only other restraint and
remedy which the Constitution lias de
vised. Corruption, moneyed corruption
and we have heard it from high au
thority is steadily, though with noise
less, but most guilty tread, stealing irrto
other departments of our Government.
Legislation here, it is said, has been
controlled by it; and this House has not
been slow to appoint committees of in
vestigation fouuded upon but rumor
alone. Sir, some years hence I dare
not say centuries scats in this House
may perhaps be openly bought and sold.
Ihey have long been merchandise in
the House of Commons. But in En
land the judiciary is pure ana incor
rupt, and England still survives. For
one, Mr. Speaker, wheresoever else in
this Government corruption may come,
or how tar soever elsewhere it may be
carried, I demand that there shall be
preserved one citadel at least within
which public virtue may retire and
stand intrenched.
These, then, in my judgment, are the
principles, and these the considerations,
upon which the House ought to proceed
and 03 governed in ordering an lm
pcachmcnt and applying them now to
the testimony reported by the commit
tee, for my single self I am obliged to
vote for this impeachment.
Romance vs. Common Sense.
The New York Tribune publishes an
article arguing against the young folks
running away from home to get spliced.
We extract.
Thero is some truth to bo told about
the "common run" of masculine prowl
eis by night about garden walls and un
der bed room windows in quest of op
portunities to pour seducing flatteries
into the cars of simple misses; but we
have not time to tell it now. As a
general rule they are licentious, good-for-nothing
adventures, who would ra
ther marry a living than work for it,
and who speculate on the chances of
'bringing the old folks round" after a
year or two. A true man would not
advise, much less urge, the woman he
loved, to take a step which must inevi
tably lesson the respect felt for, and vi
olate the trust reposed in her by those
who had loved and cherished her all her
The marriago of girls of fourteen to
seventeen years is a very prevalent cause
of personal and transmitted evil and
suffering. Prematurely taxed with the
care and nourishment of children, their
constitutions give way. and at thirty
they are alraady on the down hill of life.
Eighteen is tho youngest age at which
any one should marry, twenty or twen
ty three is much better.
The man who reached the height
of politeness disappeared iu the clouds.
Select Poetry.
Select Poetry. How Shall I Wee Thee?
If I speak to thee in frier
Thou say st I speak
If I mention Love's devc
Thou say'st I speak to
Between these two uncqua
Why doom my soul to
I'm a frietuL, . if such thy
If more thou wilt, a lot
Which phalli t be? He
Dear one ! c
Tho' the wings of love may lightly play
When first he conies to woo thee ;
There's a chance that he might fly away
As fast as he comes to thee ;
While Friendship, tho' on foot she come,
No flights of fancy trying,
Will therefore oft be found at home,
While love abroad is flyiag I
Which shall it be? How shall I woo?
Pear one ! choose between the two,
But if neither passion suit thy heart,
I'll try to please thee whether
I may not find some precious art
To bind these charms together.
A feeling still more sweet to find
From two, so sweet already.
A Friendship, that like love is kind,
A love, like Friendship steady.
Thus let it be ! Thus let me woo j
le r one! Thus we'll join the two.
Select Poetry. How Shall I Wee Thee? Select Miscellany
Casting out the Devils.
I had an Irishman, named Mike
Flinn working for me last summer, and
although a stout built able bodied man,
he was I can siy, the laziest mortal I
ever saw.
I determined to cure him of that and
make him earn a little more than his
salt if I could; so making a confident of
Panl D. we arranged our programme,
and got all ready for the game. So one
morning the girls being in the secret
Mike was sent far in great haste.
The messenger found him quietly re
posing under a shady tree, smoking his
black pipe, while the team was dragging
the plough off in search of better grass.
Mike came slowly up to the door, but
HQ annrrn-r USUI TTC tOU.-.r.nq Ui5 lnte-h
than he was tumbled, by some invisible
agency, off the steps on the ground.- -He
arose, scratched his head in amaze
ment, and tried it again, and once more
bo measured his length on the ground.
"Murther! Murther!" he cried, "I'm
kilt l m kilt r
' What's the matter, Mike?" said I.
coming to the door and opening it ;
"what arc you laying on the ground for.
Why don t you get up and come in the
house ?"
"Is it come in the house you mane,
sir? The divil a bit can I rise, at all.
Och, Holy Mother, how me arm aches I"'
" ell, Alike, said I, "its my opin
ion that you have been a good for
nothing lazy fellow, and you are be
witched !"
The bait took Mike was in an agony
of terror, uutil I pron.is-'d to try and
drive out the devil if I could.
"But remember, Mike," said I, stern
ly, "if you are cured of this devil, and
don't work better, 111 send ten more iu
the place of him.
Accordingly he was brought in the
house, and laid on a bed, prepared for
the purpose.
"Now," I cried, "Mike,
readv ?"'
are youj
"Ready for what, sir ?"
"To have the devil driven out of you,
to be sure."
"Yes," he yelled, "and the saints be
wid ye, darlint !"
The Battery, in the meantime, had
been charged as heavily as possible, and
at a signal from me, Paul, who stood
close by the door, waiting, let on the
whole charge. The effect was fearful,
but Mike's constitution stood it, alt ho'
it made the tears start, while, as he said
afterwards, he could feel the "old fel
low" crawling out of him.
To wind up the joke, and make him
remember it, we told him thcro was an
other big fellow left and we'd try some
thing else for him.
Accordingly, we gave him six seid
litz powders, dissolved in two separate
tumblers, making him swallow the con
tents of the first and then the second.
As may be imagined, Mike's mouth
soon resembled a mimic fire engine un
der full headway.
"U-u-u-uh ! b-b-boo ! s-s-s spool"
out poured the torrent, in every direc
tion, as the poor' fellow tumbled to the
'Hurra, Mike ! thero goes the last
one all right I
The fit lasted about five minutes,
leaving him as weak as an iufant. He
was well eared for, and soon recovered,
but, remembering our severe lesson, he
became, and is now one ol my faithful
hands. He, to this day, tells the won
dering listeners of his escape from the
evil one, adding, that the last devil was
the murthoring fiend himself.
'He kicked and squirmed in me body
like a big whale in the ocean, and sure
and didn't he come out wid the foam
flying around him bloody nager, as he
was." JVeic York Meremrg.
The Syracuse Journal gives us
infallible remedy tor the "out
Bo.ard with a printer. w
An Amateur Stump Orator.
Clarksville (Tenn.) Chronicle
tells a true tale upon one of the fresh
fledged orators of that prolific county,
which is good enough to keep. It was
told the narrator by an eye-witness. He
says :
Himself and another prominent ci ti
re n were opposing electors in our coun
ty, during an exciting period in our po
litical history, when party conventions
and gatherings were quite numerous.
One of these came off in a neighboring
I county, during the progress of their race
the designated day the two electors turn
ed their Rosinantcs toward the Conven
tion and unaware of each other's inten
tion of going thither, one was some miles
in advance cf the other, but riding with
such leisurely pace as consorted with a
habit of oratorical improvisation to
which he was addicted, was overtaken
by his opponent, who recognizing him
ahead, rode stealthily up, to surprise
him by his unexpected proximity. Just
as bo was about to make known his
presence, a sudden clapping of his op
ponents hands, and vehement shouting
of his name, arrested bis attention, and
he listened for the denoumcnt.
After some moments' pause, as if
waiting some imaginary acclamation to
subside, his opponent threw himself
back in the saddle and thns began his
exordium, gracefully gesticulating the
while to his viewless audience : "Fel
low citizens, I thank you most warmly
for the high compliment of this enthu
siastic call to the stand, just after it has
been vacated by such distinguished ora
tors; but whilst I feel deeply grateful
for the unmerited honor, it but tenfold
enhances my diffidence and distrust,
thus to follow in the wake of that cla
rion eloquence whose tones are yet ring
ing in your cars. And fellow-citizens,
I assure you nothing would induce me
to respond to your call, under such dis
advantages, but a lofty faith in the
cause which I advocate. 'Thrice is he
armed, who hath his quarrel just,' and
panoplied in the invincible armor of
Democracy I stand before you here to
day, gentlemen, an humble, but a fear
less champion ot that glorious cause,
which has redeemed, regenerated and
disenthralled a crushing and bleeding
world !"
Here pawned, with tremendous clap
"plng of his hands andshouts of "Oh,
my . go it my ," calling
his own name. ilie fancied applause
subsiding, he resumed : "Chosen gen
tlemen, by the Democracy of my county
as their standard-bearer in this contest,
I have planted the proud banner, in
victorious triumph, on many a hard
fought field. Wielding the ponder
ous mace of Democratic truth, I have
cloven my opponent down through head
plate, skull, brains, backbone, and bow
els, and left him like a shapeless mass
of thunderriven, Jovc-splittcd humani
ty !" Just at this impetuous rush of
his oratory, a loud laugh from Ins list
ener behind, overwhelmed him with dis
comfiture; but he recovered the next
moment by the following apt quotation
fiom his favorite author : "Angels and
ministers of grace defend us ! v hat
may this mean, that thou, dead corse,
revisits thus the glimpses of the sun.
making day hideous, and we fools of
Nature to shake so horribly in our dis
Hoops, False Hair, High Heels
nd Matrimony. An act was intro-
ilncpil info tho Kflfrtuth Vnrlinmont in
- jy, - i,(,at all women, of whatever age,
rank, profession or degree, whether vir
gins, maids or widows, that shall, trom
and after sueh act, impose upon, seduce,
and betray into matrimony, any of his
Majesty's male subjects, by the scents,
paints, cosmetic wishes, artificial teeth,
false hair, Spanish wool, iron stays,
hoops, or high heeled shoes, or bolster
ed hips, shall incur the penalty of the
law now in force against witch-craft and
like misdemeanors, and that the mar
riage, upon conviction, shall stand null
and void."
Eathcn Spike, a brother of the
Poet Whitticr, in a late contribution to
the portland (Me.) Transcript, thus re
lieves himself on waltzing:
"I do think of all the graceless Ag
gers of the maizy dance, which light,
fantastical toes is capable of doin', waltz
in' is tho most graccfuller. The hull
figure as it is I understand both sim
ile and naternal. It's huggin' that's
what it is. Sects jest make themselves
into actyvo and passyve they hug and
get hugged. It's real good, and I like
it, thought I must say thercs rather
more satisfaction huggin' a girl tew hum,
than right out afore folks."
BSu How many volumes might be
written on the power of trifles ! A sin
gle atom like aciphor in arithmatic.may
assume incalculable importance from its!
position. A spider web saved Mahome !
from his pursuers. The frailty of count
Julian's daughter introduced the Sara
cens into Spain. Cromwell came near
being strangled by a monkey. Henry
VIII was smitten with the beauty of a
girl of eighteen, and lo ! the Reforma
tion. B3u Five glasses of whiskey and a
gallon of beer will enable one to see a
sea serpent, even on dry land.
Tub World's Opinion. Every wo
man is in the wrong until she cries,.
an4 then she is. in, the right instantly.
Personal Preaching.
"Sir," said a lady one fine Sunday, to
a siergyman, just after the morning ser
vices was concluded, "sir, I hope you
win not preacn tunc sermon again.
"Why not, Madam V
' It was so very personal."
"Indeed, what part of it?"
"Oh ! that part of it about worldly
minaeaness and covetousness.
"Rut how could that be personal
the remarks were general enough ?
"You may not have attended to apply
personally but tho congregation
"Why, to me."
The lady and the clergyman parted,
but not very cordially, as she could not
extort from him a promise "never to
preach on worldly minded any more."
A week passed over, and, on the Sun
day following, the same clergyman
preached on the subject of "providing
all things honest," &c; his text occurr
ing in the service of the day, which
generally guided him in the selections
ot his subjects. "An mis sermon, (tno t
he) there is nothing to excite the feel
ings of the lady who complained of the
former discourse;" but on the follow
ing, as he was fetching the letters from
the post-office, he encountered the lady's
"If you please," said John, touching
Jus hat, "if you please, sir, I can ex
plain all about the hats."
"Explain all about the hats, John !
I don't understand you."
"Why, sir, the hats as you preached
about yesterday."
"The hats I preached about yester
day ?'"
"Yes; I quite understood you."
"That's more than I can do as to you,
John; pray explain yourself."
"Why, sir, you see, Misses and me
had a row about the livery hats ; and
me, sir, and the butler and footman, felt
sure as how Missus had set you to
preach to us."
"Well, John, call at my place on your
way home."
John did so, and the sermon was pro
duced and read to him.
"Yes, that's it," said John.
"Can you read writing, ohn?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, now look at the outside of
that sermon, and you see that it was
written twelve years ago; and the rea
son it was prcacnea yesrsraay, was us
cause the text came in the course of the
service. I knew nothing about your
quarrel, and your mistress has not spo
ken to me i-iuco the Sunday before
John confessed himself satisfied.
"I see John that hats will sometimes
fit as well as caps; good morning to
School Girls in Winter. We wish
to put in a special plea for the girls.
Make their dresses short enough to
swing clear of the snow and mud, and
give them good water proof boots, to
wear to school. Yes, we insist upon it
they should have boots. Women's
shoes of the present fashion aie no more
fit to put upon country roads in winter
than an Indian's birch bark canoe is fit
to cross the Atlantic. Boots will not
look quite so trim about the ankle, or
step so lightly upon the floor, but they
will do what is of more consequence
preserve the health to show off these
graces in after life, and to take a great
many clastic steps that otherwise might
be fewer, and those leading directly
down to the grave.
Another tiling we arc glad to see
coming in lashion : tne ladies are learn
ing to skate, and for this they must have
boots. Now, girls, get each of you a
pair of neat whiter boots, and pair of
skates to fit, and the first ice that forms
in your neighborhood, large enough,go
out with your brothers, or somebody
else's brothers, and learn to skate. Be
prudent about it, and not overdo the ex
ercise and you will find it a capita mcd
cinc next to horseback riding.
The only way to bring about a race
of healthy women, is to attend to the
physical develop aicnfs of tho girls be
fore they arc diluted in tne Fy3.
tern of fashionable accomplishmcnt,that
fits them for nothing but elegan t imbeciles.
Ohio Cultivator.
Said a philosophical
tlcman to his "hopeful.
"My son, when hackman take the
temperance pledge, and the police rcfu
ses bribes; when an omnibus halfcmpty
goes the same pace as a full one; when
the laws of private property extend to um
brellas, and when a bachelor in lodg
ings finds a shirt without a button off,
then, oh my son ! thou mayest chance
to find a wife who will not object to
travel without eight-and-twenty packa
ges, and who will show herself possess
ed of such angelic self-denial, as even
to refuse thihe offer of a dress, simply
because she thinks she doesn't need it."
They arc a clever set of fellows
in Indianapolis. The Sontinal of that
city says that several churches which
hold Thursday evening prayer meetings
propose to commenco their services an
hour tarlicr than usual, to give the mem
bers an opportunity to attend the thea
ter on the same oveniug. This is ac
commodating. The smiles of home are exceed
ingly pleasant, but there are many peo
ple who have good houses, and who
prefer smiling with a friend outside.
Man's Map of the
"Here's to internal improve
ments," as Dobbs said when be swal
lowed a dose of salts.
Politicians make fools of them
selves; pettifoggers makefoois of others,
and petticoats fool them both.
SQ6 "Terrible pressure in the money
market," as the mouse said when the
keg of specie rolled over him.
Bb- "This is a hard fortune !" as ti.e
Why is love like a dock's leg ?
Because it is often hid in the breast.
t Were it not for the tears that fill
our eyos, wLat an ocean would Ul our
breasts !
VSf "I've got some urgent business
on hand," as the fox said when the dogs
were after him.
What kind of braces do ladies
prefer? Embraces.
Why is a piece of sterile ground
like a certain toilci. article ? Because
its bare soil (bear's oil.)
"Don't rob yourself," as the far
mer said to the lawyer, when he called
him hard names.
"Remember the poor !" Oh yes,
we all remember them, and "don't do
anything else."
jn, Say nothing about yourself ei
ther good, bad or indifferent; nothing
good, for that is vanity; nothing bad,
for that is affectation: nothing indiffer
ent, for that is silly.
WS A writer in the Spirit of the
Times, calls the ceremony of kissing
each other, as is performed by young
ladies, "a dreadful waste of the rata ma
terial. Hffi A woman has been arrested in
New Albany for stealing old iron; she
had fourteen pounds of it secreted in
her bosom. Guess her offence weighed
heavily upon her.
A man with a large family was
complaining of '.he difficulty of support
ing all of them.
"But," said a friend, "you have sons
big enough to earn something fur you
"Tho difficulty is, Ihey are too Vig to
work," was the answer.
A western editor requests those
of his subscribers who owe him for more
than six years subscription to send him
a lock of their hair, so that 1 c will know
they are living.
fij3. An Irishman called into a store,
and priced a pair of gloves. He was
told they came to ten shillings. "Och,
by my sowl, thin," says he, "I'd sooner
my hands'd go barefoot than pay that
price for 'em.'1
8-Cox by an old BAcn.-Why is the
husband of a scolding wife and father
ot a household of crying children like a
railroad ? Because he has a great many
B$u The remark having bein made
that it would soon become the fashion
to wear short drosses, Mrs. Partington
made a remark that whether fashion
said so or not, her dresses were always
short, for she never had but two at a
time. What a marvel of domestic econ
omy and sweet wisdom that woman is !.
Isn't she ?
E5u An editor up in Minnesota snyst
that he was never happy but once in his
life, and what was on a warm summer's
day, when he lay in the laps of two'
blooming maidens, being fanned by a
third, and kissed by all three. "Gosh f
BfQLove is like ambition it silences
the conscience and throws the vail of
oblivion over the most sacred promises.
19" Atabastes of a very superior
quality is found in large deposits in the
hills near the missions of Soledad an 1
San Antonio, in Monterey county, Cal
ifornia. It is clean, close grained, very
fine and 'translucent, and can be cut
with a knife, Its color is a beautiful
light cream.
83? A western publisher gave notice
that he intended to spend fifty dollars
for the purpose of getting up a new head
for his paper. The next day one of his
subscribers sent him the following note :
"Don't do it. Better keep the money
and buy a new head for the editor."
8 Night keeps man alive without
fire, candles, meat, drink, or clothing
all he asks is a bed. Tho poorest man
is as happy as a king the moment he
lies down, and, fortunately, he has to
stand up only half his time.
The Prayer op FAiTn. A little
boy and his brother were lost in a west
ern forest. On giving an account of
the circumstance after they were found
the little fellow said : "It grew dark,
and I knctlcd down and asked God to
take care of little Johnny, and then
went to sleep." How touching! how
simple! how sublime ! That was true
faith that was genuine prayer. Da
vid himself did not exceed it when he
said : "I will both lay mo down inr
peace and sleep ; for thou, Lord only
tnakest me to dwell in safety." Perhaps
the little boy learned his lesson of trust
in God from the royal Psalmist.
n3X A French electrician, in San
Francisco, announces that he has dis
covered how to take gold from a qnartz
rock by electricity.
W&T The Happy
World Home.

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