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New York dispatch. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1863-1899, July 02, 1871, Image 7

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Sunday Edition. July 2
WHICH SHALL CO?
By Mrs. Kinney.
A mother gat with her children three;
The Angel of Death drew near;
** I come for one of thy babes,” quoth he--
l‘Of the little band, say, which shall it be ?
I will not choose, but leave for thee
To give me the one least dear.”
The mother started, with movement wild.
And drew them all close to her heart;
The Angel reached forth and touched the child
Whose placid features, whene’er she smiled,
Reflected the mother’s beauty mild,
“With this one,” said he, “ canst thou part!”
<»With this one? O, God! she is our first born—
As well take my life away !
I never lived till that blessed morn,
When she, as a bud, on my breast was worn;
Without her, the world would be all forlorn—
(Spare this one, kind Death, I pray I”
The Angel drew backward, then touched again;
This time ’twas a noble boy.
'ft Will it give thee, topart with him, less pain ?”
•‘Hold! touch him not!” she cried, “refrain!
He’s an only son—if we had but twain —
Oh, spare us our pride and our joy!”
Once more the Angel stood waiting there;
Then he gently laid his hand
On the shining head of a babe so fair,
That even Death pitied and touched with care.
While the mother prayed, “ Merciful Heaven for
bear I
•Tis the pet of our little b ind !”
f‘Then which ?** said the Angel, “for God calls one.”
The mother bowed down her head;
Love’s troubled fount was in tears o’errun—
k murmur—a struggle—and Grace had won.
“Not my will,” she said, “ but Thine be done !”
The pet lamb of the fold lay dead.
COYOTE Tkl
BY ULYSSES FISUBACH,.
[We extract the following eketch from the
New Orleans Sunday Times. It is as clear a
portraiture of a class of men in the Southwest
as any of Bret Harte’s sketches of California
Characters]:
‘ The village of Baybun, in Camanche county,
Texas, was excited.” The news of the attack
upon affil subsequent capture of Fort Sumter
had just beed received. Bill Draper, the stage
driver, having brought with him that afternoon
from Brazos a copy of the Messenger, which
contained the full particulars.
■ At tbo request of Col. Manlove and Capt.
Fflor, Major Farver, who kept the hotel,
promptly consented that his ball-room should
be used for the purpose of holding a meeting.
Squire Turner, the editor of the Raybun Ban
ner, at their suggestion, struck off handbils
calling this meeting for the next morning, at
10 o'clock, and runners were sent all over the
country with invitations for. the leading citi
zens to take part.
< Ike McFarren, the keeper of the billiard
toom, hired Uncle Ben Wood’s auction drum,
and stood on his steps beating it, shouting,
“To arms 1 To arms 1 Who’l jine a company
and march agin their country’s inimies.” And
he attracted a tremendous crowd. A barrel
was rolled out and stood up endwise for a ta
ble ; pen. ink and paper were procured, and
the muster roll of the first company raised in
Baybun began to fill up rapidly with the names
■Of volunteers.
Ike, who had been a soldier in the ‘“Revolu
tion of ’36" and in the Mexican war, had a rusty
sabre girded on and carried a musket on his
shoulder, looking the very picture of the back
woods warrior, with his tall and athletic frame,
glpncho.d hat, and boots drawn over the bot
toms of his pifiialoops, ny-j—nr.,”
“Capt. Sprague’s io be cap’n,” said he;
“ Jim Toohey, lieutenant, and Digo Fowell, or
derly surgeon. Them as puts his name to the
list must spect to fight. It’s no fancy lay out,
but a square deal for war.”
" The crowd still increased, and the muster
roll gained name after name. When Parson
Stafford was seen in the door of the house be
fore which all were assembled, looking anxious
ly around, “ Boys,” shouted Ike, “ ’low the par
son to come in. Pass out, Ned Darwin,” said
he, to a citizen of the town, “ and let. Mr. Staf
ford have a hand. May be he’s a-goin’ along
With us.”
“No, Mr. MoFarren, I am looking for my eon
Solomon, who, Mr. Jenkins informs me, was
here a ehort time ago.”
“He's volunteered,” some one answered.
“Ho hain’t done no such a durned thing,”
cried Ike. “We hain’t a-raising a boy’s com
pany."
“ Well, here's his name,” said the first speak
er, “and thar he is, already come back with
bis rifle.”
And sure enough, there was Master Solomon
Stafford that moment entering the crowd,
bearing upon his shoulder an elegant squirrel
rifle, and begirt with his hunting accoutre
ments.
The Rev. Mr. Stafford was the minister of the
Episcopal church m the town. A Virginian of
the old scool, he ardently espoused the cause
®f the South, and when he saw his eldest son—
a lad of not sixteen years, and a very child in
appearances—already enrolled among those
who were-roady to lay down their lives in her
defense, ho could not repress a feeling of pride.
The same blood which could not brook British
oppression in 1776, he could see, still flowed in
the veins of his son, and he for a moment hes
itated from checking his heroic ardor. But
when he remembered the feeble condition of
bis wife’s health, and that the departure of her
darling child might cause her death, ho ap
proached his son and ordered him home.
Solomon, though of an excitable tempera
ment, had been too well nurtured in respect to
the authority of his parent to disobey and set
him at defiance, with banging bead, he follow
ed his father ; not, however, without more than
one attempt being made by irreverent bystand
ers to detain him. But Ike McFarren prompt
ly suppressed all such.
“Let the little feller go along,” said ho.
•‘This ain’t a-goin’ to be child’s play, you bet.
Any feller what can’t give and take the rough
est sort of fighting, I allow, had better stay at
home.”
The meeting was held next morning, accord
ing to appointment, and amid the wildest ex
citement the tax-payers of the county voted to
pay all the expenses of the “ Rayburn Regula
tors,” the company which had been so prompt
ly enlisted the night before.
Capt. Sprague, an old hero of forty battles,
was unanimously elected its commanding of
ficer, James Toohey lieutenant, and Elijah
Powell orderly sergeant; for to the simple
minds of the people of Rayburn, other officers
Kero unnecessary. Ike McFarren, who had
taken so prominent a part in the formation of
the company, put in no claim for position.
This need not astonish the reader, for in those
flays in that region military ambition was ut
terly unknown, and as to difference in rank
among men fighting out a cause, it had no ex
istence in their minds. “Thom fellers knows
the drill." And that waa all they wanted.
These comrades in danger looked upon cour
age as a thing possessed by the meanest man
of all; but only a limited number understood
bow to “shoulder arms” and “right face” ac
cording to military tactics. The elections,
therefore, were all unanimous, and before a
week had passed, the regulars, armed with
their trusty rifles, navy sixes and bowio knives,
were on the march for Now Orleans, taking the
direct route across the country.
1 On the third day the band was overtaken by
Some half dozen young men, who had not been
in time to start with the rest. Among these
was Solomon Stafford, who had “slipped off,”
as he expressed it, being unable to repress his
ambition to fight his way to glory in the ranks
Of the dolcnders of Southern rights.
Ike McFarren no sooner saw him than he
swore roundly that he ought to be sent back;
but to this the captain objected, and was sup
ported by all the men. Their march to New
Orleans, though long and tedious, was unat
tended by any incident worthy of note. On ar
riving and reporting to Gen.Twiggs, they were
attached to a Texas regiment, then about to
Start for Virginia. Previous to this, however,
the following adventure occurred to Ike Mc-
Fadden, which created no little sensation at
headquarters.
Captain Sprague, who was quite busy find
ing quarters for his men, in the innocence of
bis heart, asked Ike to go up to Gen. Twiggs’
headquarters and enter up the company as
volunteers. Ike had, in his Mexican war ex
periences and Texan frontier life, heard some
thing about the peculiar amiability of General
Twiggs’ temper, especially when laboring un
der an attack of the gout; so ho felt somehow
. at a loss how to act for the best interest of his
comrades. Meeting Sid Felder, who kept a
faro bank in the city, whom he had formerly
known in California, Iko unburdened his soul
to him, and was duly advised how to act, as Sid
claimed a perfect acquaintance with every
crook and turn of the general’s character.
The interview which followed was conducted in
this manner:
’ Ike comes stalking into Twiggs’ private of
fice with bis hat on, spurs ringing, and cow
hide boons, leaving a muddy track upon the el
egant carpet, the orderly at the dooi*liaving
in vain tried to impede his progress. He finds
the. old hero sitting with one foot propped on
a pillow on the sofa, and with a countenance
inflamed by pain and want of sleep.
| “Who the h—ll are you?” demanded the
general. “How daro you come into my office
jn that manner, you d—d scoundrel?”
“Saj, old rooster,” answered Ike, “be more
Civil, d— n you, or I’ll let you have a Joe Darter
-’twixt the eyes. I’m a gentleman and a soldier,
game as you.”
“Orderly! Orderly!” shouted Twiggs, now
blue in the face with wrath. “Put this in
ternal savage down stairs, iiead foremost; kick
him out; break every bono in his d—d car
cass!” etc., etc., and the air resounded with
the most awful imprecations upon tho head,
eyes, soul, heart, and body of poor Ike.
But that worthy was nothing awed or daunt
ed, and if Twiggs swore, he blasphemed. If
Twiggs’ oaths were strictly according to tho
regulations of the “Army in Flanders,” Ike’s,
though of more modern date, bore off the
palm—at least in length and breadth of ex
pression. He went beyond the present, and
covered the whole ground of Twiggs’ future
With hopes which, if ever they should blossom,
bis anguish would be eternal. Ho damned his
.flesoendants as well as his ancestors; his fe
rnale relatives as well as his male connections.
wm » war of giants m the art of swearing,
and the noise waxed loud enough to be heard
four squares off. But Ike’s youth finally told
in his favor, and victory hovered over his ban
ner. Sinking gasping into his chair, “ Whore
—where—are—you—from— you—d—d villain ?’’
screamed the general.
“Texas, by !” shouted Iko, sitting on
the table and spitting a mouthful of tobacco
juice upon the carpet.
“ I thought so—l thought so. Only hell or
Texas could produce such a savage,” and calm
ing down somewhat, he called his orderly, who
had stood perfectly bewildered at the door,
and ordered him to go with Ike to Capt. ’a
office, and have his wants attended to.
Then Ike, with a self satisfied smile,
marched off, making as much noise as possi
ble. Twiggs panted like a hunte i hare, and
growled out, “Of course, from Toxas—from
Texas.”
Ned had told Iko that if Twiggs cursed him,
to curse back, as that was the sure way to his
respect and good will. And he cursed back
with a vengeance.
And now all is ready for tho departure of tho
regiment for Virginia. They are to start the
next morning by rail. Suddenly tho voice of
Mr. Stafford is heard asking for Solomon. He
came in search of his son, but was too late, for
he had been duly mustered into the service,
and could not with honor be withdrawn. So
bidding adieu to his son, he went back home
to console his wife as best he could. Iko Mc-
Fadden accompanied Solomon to tho steamer
upon which Mr. Stafford took his departure,
and upon beholding the grief of tho parent,
was no little affected himself.
“Parson,” said he, blowing his noso, “Sol’s
a brash feller, and plays to win. You miud
what I tell you; don’t be spraddling about him.
He’s bound to come out all right, you can bet
your pile on it.”
“Mr. McFarren,” replied the father, “if I
thought that you would watch over my boy, I
would go back feeling as if his mother and my
self would see him again. Will you do it, for
our sakes ?”
“If I don’t may hell be my portion,” an
swered Ike, reverently slapping the minister
on the back, and seizing Sol by the neck as if
to drag him already from threatened harm.
And so they parted.
If the reader will pardon tho digression, wo
will endeavor to enlighten him somewhat as to
a few points in the history of Mr. Isaac McFar
ren, bolter known as “ Coyote Ike of Chihua
hua.” He always said that Tennessee was the
State of bis birth, although no sort of cross
questioning could ever elicit the exact locality
in that great State at which he first saw the
light. In fact, it appeared that when he said
“Tennessee,” he was of opinion that all could
exactly comprehend the precise spot of ground
upon which had stood his father’s cot. He
appeared to have taken his first lessons in
“brag,” “draw poker," an'd “seven up,” at
such an early age that all memory of his first
introduction into the mysteries of these accom
plishments were utterly obliterated from his
mind. He had obviously given them a large
portion of his time through life, and so com
pletely had they become a part of himself
even, that he thought and spake in the lan
guage of these games. He had also been a
great traveler on the continent of North Amer
ica, particularly in the Western States and
Territories of tho Union, and tbero were tew
places of note from the Mississippi river to the
Pacific coast, or Panama to the British posses
sions, with which he was unacquainted, and
about which he could not relate some interest
ing reminiscences—mostly, of course, on the
subjects of card-playing and its attendant
pleasures, such as horse-stealing, whisky
drinking, etc.
“At Santa Fe,” he would say, “I won eight
ounces of gold from Ned Falconer on a pair of
deuces, and fit Sam Capers with bowie-knives
for accusing me of taking them cold from the
deck.” “It was in Taos that Bill Footman
shook me for eight thousand dollars by slung
shottin’ me while I was out in the corral, look
in’ after the bosses.” “At El Passo I had the
best run of luck I ever seed, and won all the
money the boys of the Fourth Cavalry had,
’cepting the colonel's. Why, sir,” he would
exclaim, “I’m d—d if I didn’t beat old Shed
Hope out’n twenty thousand dollars on lli'at
•trip,” etc.
He was one of tho victims of the Vigilance
Committee in San Francisco, in ’56; had kept
“ saloons ” at nearly every gulch in the sierras
of California; had been twice captured by tho
Indians on the plains; had been tarred and
feathered at Vicksburg, Miss.; set adrift on a
long on the Ouachita, in Arkansas ; and had,
as I said before, been a soldier in the Texas
revolution and in the Mexican war. The only
thing he had not been, was a quiet, peaceable
citizen—his experiences covered everything
else.
Settling in the town of Raybun the winter
before our story opens, because he had been
confined to his bed there by an attack of pneu
monia, ho had upon recovering, opened a bil
liard saloon and whisky mill for the public, and
a faro table for the discreet few. By the time
our history begins bo had formed tho acquaint
ance of every man, woman, and child in Ca
manche county, and enjoyed a remarkable
share of their good will, for there was a rough
kind of good nature about Ike’s character which
won him friends, particularly with the young
and inexperienced. And it was by this time
come to be understood that when not swapping
horses or trading pistols, playing cards or
dealing faro, his word could be relied upon,
and bo would act fairly, and often generously.
But he so thoroughly despised all kinds of
hypocrisy, that ho could seldom go through a
day without a row of some kind, during which
his hand was over prone to seek the handle of
his deadly “navy six” for the health of Ray
bun. Indeed, there had already been three
funerals there for which he had "furnished the
material. It is true, the sufferers wore only
“Yankee drummers,” and the shooting was,
of course, done in “self-defense ;” yet still cer
tain parsons could not help thinking that Ray
bun would be better without him.
Among these, Mr. Stafford bad early arrayed
himself, and bad on more than one occasion
came near forcing Ike to again become a wan
derer. That worthy often “blowed” about
his intention to “go for that old hellion ;” but
be never did, and it was noticed that on more
than one occasion he was seen to sneak out of
crowds into which the minister came. And
one day, when Se’oe Norrel used blasphemous
and obscene language in presente of Sirs. Staf
ford, and defied the town marshal, Ike knocked
him oft his horse with a brickbat, and took
him to jail with bis own hand.
I‘ may, therefore, appear strange that young
Stafford was committed to the care of such a
man by his father with so much apparent con
fidence ; and that the trust was accepted with
such readiness. We shall not attempt to ex
plain this mystery, but deal with facts as they
come before us.
For a year after their arrival in Virginia, our
friends did little else tban march and counter
march up and down the Peninsula, eat up
rations, and shoot at gunboats at impossible
distances. Ike’s knowledge of poker and sev
en-up was exceedingly disastrous to tho men
of other regiments, and he reaped a regular
barvest-at every camping ground. But both
be and Sol were disgusted with the lack of ad
venture attending their army life so far, and
heartily wished to be transferred to the scene
of more active operations. At last, they were
gratified. McClellan advanced upon the Pen
insula, and then Legau in earnest a campaign
which only ended at the battle of Antietam,
when both were seriously wounded, and, being
left upon the field, fell into the hands of the
enemy. Sol was terribly hurt, a bah having
passed through his body, and another broken
a leg. Ike, not so bad, but still severely. In
the hospital, Ike, as soon as he was able, at
tended bis protege, whose illness was doubtful.
He watched by his side, and bathed his fevered
brow with the’ tenderness of a woman, and re
fused to be exchanged—preferred to await
Sol’s recovery—and so missed his chance for
another cartel. As soon as they wore able to
travel, they were sent to Auburn, New York,
and there remained throughout the balance of
the war, suffering all the horrors of starvation
and exposure in that rigorous climate. But
Ike, by some means, always had an extra bis
cuit for Sol, or a piece of meat, however small.
He grew thin, but his manner was gayer than
usual, and be pretended that he was indebted
to his luck at card-playing for these extra ra
tions. During the second Winter, Sol suf
fered extremely from the cold, imperfectly clad
as he was, while Ike, though as poorly off, de
clared that ho did not even need the rags he
had, and insisted upon Sol’s donning his coat.
But, cold or not, he contracted a dreadful
cough, which day after day grew worse. Time
wore on, and at last the blessed news came
that they were to be released, and they started
on their long march homeward on foot. Week
after week, they trudged on, subsisting on
what they could pick up on the way, and often
starving for days together. At last they
reached the borders of Texas, and wore within
two days’ travel of Raybun, but they were in a
sad plight, indeed. Hungry, m rags, and loot
sore, they looked more like dying men than
hopolul hearts returning to their homes after
four years’ absence. Suddenly, Iko proposed
that they should stop by the roadside, as he
had something to say.
“Sol, my old feller,” said he, “I think we’ll
have to go'into camps here for a spell, because
my hand’s about played, and we’ll have to get
a new deck, or quit the game.”
Soi, who had grown so accustomed to Ike’s
peculiar inode of speech that it was entirely in
telligible, looked up to his friend to see what
was the matter, when it suddenly occurred to
him that Ike was looking very badly. He had
not thought of it before, but tho man did seem
to be worn down to a skeleton. His attenuated
frame was bent, and his scant clothing hung
loose upon his limbs. Lips pale, cheeks like
parchment drawn over his high cheek-bones,
and glassy, sunken eyes, all told unmistakably
that death was near.
And he had not noticed it before.
The fact of it was that ho had grown so ac
customed to Ike’s constant attendance to his
slightest wants that he never considered the
cost, or thought that Iko himself could suffer.
Even then the poor fellow was staggering un
der the heaviest part of their baggage.
Remorseful for his selfishness, he complied
v i I. the request of bis companion, and under
thu shade of a wide-spreading oak near by a
running brook, they made their camp tire, and
cooked their scanty meal.
lae unfolcod his plans as follows : Sol should
leave him, when he was with lour days’ ra
tions, and push on alone for Ravbun, where ho
should obtain a conveyance lor him. .Sol at
tempted to combat this plan, but Ike would lie-
I ton to no other uroDOsilion.
“ When a feller's flat busted," he remarked
earnestly, “he always studies clear through a
think. Nothing like a busted man for calkula
shun. The game can be made if you deal
quick, and play fast.”
“But to leave you siok and alone, Ike."
“When a feller’s seed hisself with six hun
dred lashes, and tied to a log on the Mississip,
and goin’ it alone, ho ain’t much afraid of stay
ing in the piney woods with a good six-shooter.
Now, I say, git’s the word.”
And Ike went to sleep as if the matter had
to be settled that way.
Sol started bright and early tho next morn
ing, but not before Ike had advised him to
“borrow” the first horse or mule he came up
with, which had no rider. And when bo came
to leave, said to him, with tho first appearance
of emotion Sol had ever observed in him :
“Yer see, in case I should hand in my checks
before you git back, take me on to Raybun any
how, and make the old man deal a full hand all
round in the funeral sermon.”
Sol promised, and went off at the best pace
his starved legs would admit of. Wo shall re
main with Ike, who lay stretched on a soft
couch of pine tops, with his provisions and
carefully loaded revolver near at hand. His
debility, now that he permitted himself to
rest, bad greatly increased, and it was plain to
see that unless Sol made great haste, he could
not return from Raybun and find him alive.
“I’ve been in a few tight places in my time,”
said he, musingly, “ but this is the durndost,
meanest, yet. Nothing much to draw to, but
my blind on that boy. Won’t do to throw up
that.” And, speaking more energetically, “Ef
•the Lord will gist give me another deal, I’m
d—d if I ever play another card. I would so
like to show that old Parson that Coyote Ike
wasn’t mean enough to go back on his pardner.
What’ll his mammy say when sbo sees him?
Wonder if she’ll ask him if I’m alive ?”
And it was in this sort of half muttering,
half talking to himself that Ike passed the first
day.
The second morning found him much weaker
—unable to sit up, or even help himself to
water from the spring. But he was still hope
ful, and passed the day in tranquilly watching
the birds hop from spray to spray, and fly
around among the trees, or in dozing as quiet
ly as a child. Toward evening a party or dis
charged soldiers, en route tor t.-.eir homes,
oamo to the place and discovered him.
“Hello!” exclaimed one of them, “hero’s a
fellow who has been left to die like a dog by
his comrades.'’
“It’s a d—d lie,” said Iko, who could just
muster voice enough to say that much, and not
strength to reach his revolver, although ho
tried to do so.
“ Are you not entirely alone ?”
“I s’pose so. Don’t you? But he didn’t
desert me. I sent him ahead to raise a stake.
Give me some water.”
These poor fellows, hardly in a better plight
than himself, gave him a few luxuries which
their store afforded, and passing the night
with him, only leaving when he had so far re
covered as to bo able to again regain his feet.
Late in the day he determined to resume his
journey as best he could, for, said he to him
self, every mile I go, shortens my separation
from Sol. His march was slow and painful,
however, but his will kept him up, and he
plodded on. About nightfall, seeing a cabin
on the roadside, ho directed his steps to it, and
was met by a little dried up old woman who
stood in the door.
“Bless your soul, my child," replied she to
his request for a lodging, “ I haven’t got no
bed for you, nor blankets neither. Ef you
want to sleep out here on the piaza, you may
and welcome. But I’m plumb eat out by sol
diers going home, and haven’t no victuals to
give you.”
“Look here, old lady,” said Ike, “suppose
your husband or boys were to stop at—at a
house at night, sick, hungry, and tired almost
to death, and asked for lodgings and some
thing to eat, and they got your answer, what
wouid you think of tho folks as gave it ?”
“Drat their mean souls, I’d—you can oome
in, young man : I’ll try and git some supper
for you. I hain’t much, but you are welcome
to what there is." _
And with ihal the old woman bustled about,
soon having ready a poor supper of corn bread
and hominy. Helping himself with avidity—
for, poor as the viands were, they were luxu
ries to such a half starved wretch as he—lke
discoursed the meanwhile.
“ Whar are you from, old lady ? Whar’s
your boys and old man ?”
"All dead, ’cept my granddaughter, Ma
haly, who’s gone to Shreveport to get some
medicines. I come from old Tonnessey,
among the mountings ; but that’s a long time
ago. This is no sich country as that was,
though ligbt’ud are plenty.”
Hero Ike straightened himself in his chair,
and gazed intently at the old woman, who sat
wringing her hands together and slowly rock
ing herself in her chair. The interest which
he took in her appeared to have worked a sud
den change in him, as he trembled all over like
an aspen loaf. Half rising from his seat, he
demanded, in a husky voice :
“Who’s your husband ? What’s his name ?”
“My husband? A likelier feller, when he
was young, you never seed. But he boss
raced, and lie fit chickens, and ho drunk
whisky.”
“But he’s dead!”
“And he druv the boys off as fast as they
growed up.”
“ But he’s dead ! A likelier man never trod
shoe-leather.”
And she wiped the tears away as they flowed
down her wrinkled cheeks, and still rocked her
self in the chair.
Ike staggered toward her, and fell upon his
knees beside her, throwing his arms around
her aged form, exclaiming :
“Ma! I’m Ike.”
And his bead fell upon her shoulder.
“Isaac! my son Isaac ! Not dead ! What—
what ” and she fainted away. '
Seizing a tin cup, he bailed it full of boiling
water from the kettle which hung upon the hob,
and poured it upon her, which brought her
back to the world of suffering in a trice. But
before she grew calm Ike more than once
reached for more hot water, when she immedi
ately controlod her feelings, and finally could
converse rationally.
“ So the old man didn't beat you to death,
after all 1”
“ No, iny child; the Lord spared me to con
vert him. He died a Christian.”
“The h—l he did I” exclaimed Iko, sur
prisediy. “Not one of your sort—played an
other game only, eh ?”
“ Yes, Isaac, he died a Christian, and’s in
Heaven, I hope. But you ? Sakes alive, you
look like a ghost. Eat some more of them
hominy, my child. I hain’t got no meat nor
no medicines ; I’m only a poor lone widder.
Oh, Lord !” said she, dropping upon her knees
and looking with streaming eyes to Heaven,
“you have never yit deserted your sarvent;
spar my little lamb ; spar tho widder’s mite.”
And Coyote Ike, of Chihuahua, the gambler,
the horse-thief, tho murderer, found himself
by her side again, praying in company with his
mother, as in the days of his childhood, when
he knew no guile. Pleaded he :
“ Yea, do. Not that I care a cuss for myself;
but just to please the best and worst treated
old woman in Amoriky. Oh, do 1”
The next morning brought Solomon and his
father with a carriage, and Iko was soon on
his way to Raybun. His mother stayed behind
to await the coming of her grand-daughter,
but promised to follow as soon as possible.
The interview with his mother, and tho ex
citement attending his parting with her, left
him much weaker than ever, ami on his arrival
in Baybum, against his will, it is true, ho was
taken direct to tho parsonage. On meeting
him, Sol’s mother took his band and kissed it,
and amid her tears prayed that God would
raise him up again in health. For Sol, since
leaving Ike alone in tho woods, had fully come
to see the great sacrifices which Ike had made
for him, both in and out of prison. Ho now
knew that if his friend was dying, it was be
cause ho had starved himself and chilled his
heart’s blood in providing for his comfort, and
he had so told his parents.
“Sol,” asked Ike, late the next night, “do
you know that I think that your mother’s tears
and kiss have washed all tho blood off my
hands ? It’s a big thing to have a ma. If the
old man had never druv me off from mine, I’d
never play such a card. They,” said he, mo
tioning his head to indicate that ho meant his
own and liis friend’s mother, “plumb euchred
me with their goodness. They’ve trumped me
for Heaven, and their prayers have washed all
the guilt out’n my soul—l’m d d it 1 ain’t
converted, square and fair as ever I draw’d to
a pair in my life.”
“ Get the old man to shuffle up a little sort
of prayer meetin’ hero to-morrow. It’s no
two to one that it’ll do mo good to take a hand
even at this stage of tho game, and I know
that it would please mammy if she gits here.”
And the old fellow calmly turned his head
upon his pillow, and went to sleep, smiling as
sweetly upon his friend as an infant upon his
mother.
Coyote Ike had passed from the earth.
A STARTLING REVELATION,
Not a great while since, the credulously dis
posed were excited over the announcement
that an experienced navigator had made some
singular discoveries in the Mississippi river.
It is Ascertained that tho gentleman, who is a
diver, and who has been making experimental
observations along the river, declares his be
lief that most of the treasure lost in the vari
ous'vessels which have exploded or sunk, can
be recovered. The sates of one or two of these
boats he has found among the wrecks, and one
in particular is said to contain SBO,OOO. But
oven these marvelous anticipations were ex
ceeded when the story of brilliant achievements
was augmented by the supposed finding of the
iron coffin of De Soto sticking fast in Missis
sippi mud, in an abandoned channel of the
river. The marvelous report spread far and
near, and stories of gems of rare value and
countless price were said to be the reward of
the bold explorer of the bottom ef the Missis
sippi.
'lhe flesh! css skeletons of the dead’, buried
in nl-fatod steamers, long, long years ago,
would surrender them, if only the living had
courage to mrther the capacities of science.
Little exploring parties were organized on
their own account, and one or two ambitious
adventurers were started out in skiffs to make
observations which in the future would yield
marvelous wealth.
At last the etorv of these prospective discov-
NEW YORK DISPATCH.
eries reached the culminating apotheosis when
a rehearser of these marvels informed a won
der-stricken group of gentlemen in the office
of the New Orleans Chief of Police, that in this
same iron coffin of De Soto was buried a gold
trumpet given him by Queen Victoria.
“Whatl” exclaimed one, “not Queen Victo
ria. Why, she wasn’t born then by two hun
dred years or more.”
“I don’t care if she/wasn’t,” was the bold re
ply. “I reckon she could leave it in her will.”
This was certainly satisfactory, and none
present could doubt any further the reality of
tho legendary marvels.
SHOOTING H OUT.
A SCARED DUELIST.
On a certain occasion since tho beginning of
1871, m the little town of Ouachita City, La.,
on the banka of the Ouachita river, about
twenty-five miles above the city of Monroe, two
gentlemen (Johnson and Jones) concluded to
play one game of “ seven-up,” at five dollars.
They took tbeir time, and interspersed the
game with several drinks. They finally fin
ished the game. Johnson, being winner, raked
in tbo money.
Jones studied about it a whilo. Ho made up
hie mind that it was not right for Johnson to
take the money, as they were neighbors—not
gamblers, any way—and were only in fun. Ho
said :
“You are going to take that money, are
you?”
“Yes, indeed I am," said Johnson.
“Well,” said Jones, “you had as well take
it out of my pocket.”
“ Now, Jones, take that back."
“I shall not take it back, and if you are not
satisfied, help yourself m any way you choose.”
“But, Jones, I insist that you take it back,
because I don’t steal myself.”
“ I shall not take it back ; and I now repeat
that you had as well have stolen that money
out of my pocket. If you wish a difficulty, you
can have it any way you like.”
“Well, then, we will shoot it out,"said John
son.
“Very well, sir,” said Jones, “mention your
time ana place.”
Without further ceremony, all the arrange
ments were made for the duel to take place
that evening. Many of the neighbors were
there, and at once concluded to have tho fight
come off. They knew Johnson, who proposed
the shooting, would back out unless ho could
be encouraged. They knew, on the other
hand, that Jones would stand up without flinch
ing. The seconds loaded the pistols with blank
cartridges, and informed Johnson of the fact,
but did ijot let Jones in tho secret. They did
this to make Johnson stand, which, of course
made him fearless. He went to the appointed
place, and Jones was there, cool and calm.
The moment tor action arrived, and all parties
took tiieir positions—the distance being ten
paces. Tho pistols were handed to Johnson
and Jones, in death-like silence—everyone be
ing as serious as death. The count com
menced: “One!”
“Stopl” said Johnson. “It is understood
by all parties that there ain’t no 'jujjels in these
pistols."
Jones, hearing this, and knowing nothing of
it before, rather staggered forward, reeling,
looking into the muzzle of his pistol, and cried
out: “I’ll bo hanged if there ain’t bullets in
mine 1” and at the same time pulled down on
Johnson.
This was too much for Johnson. He broke
for the nearest house, which was about two
hundred yards, and they say he doubled up
like a four-bladed knife, and has not been seen
since, but sent word back that all might “shoot
it out" who chose, but he wanted none in his.
Jones won the fight against all odds.
A WOMAN’S LOVE.
A TWO THOISAVD MILE CHASE
AFTER A HUSBAND, .
UH6 clay lasi wd&fc, s&ys the Detroit Pree
Press, a young wife named Christiana Nelson,
carrying a two year old child in her arms, was
brought to the Central Station from the De
troit and Milwaukee depot to have the chief of
police see to getting her a railroad pass to
• Lawrence, Mass. The wife was poorly off for
clothing, the infant was haggard and pale, and
the wife had a sad story to tell. She was a
factory girl at Lawrence and was married to
Nelson about three years ago. The man had
a good reputation for respectability and in
dustry, and the couple lived comfortably and
happily until about six months ago, when Nel
son became infatuated with a young girl and
gradually grew morose and sullen. Three
months ago, in company with the girl, he fled
from his home, leaving Mrs. Nelson without a
week’s provisions or a dollar in money. Much
against the advice of her friends, the wife de
termined to pursue the pair and win back her
husband. By selling off her furniture she
raised about sixty dollars in money and passed
through Detroit in April, having heard that
Nelson was in Chicago, 111. She remained in
Chicago several days without getting a clue of
his whereabouts, and then received notice that
her husband was in Jackson, in that State.
She at once proceeded there, and found that
she was on the right track. He had gone to
ward into the Missouri border. Her money
being nearly exhausted, Mrs. Nelson set out on
foot, carrying the child m her arms, and did
not pause for even a day’s rest until reaching
Livingston county, Missouri, always a few days
behind the pair, who were making for a rela
tive of Nelson’s, residing near Downs, in the
above named county. Airs. Nelson arrived to
find that the two had departed the day before
for Kansas, and at this point her courage gave
out. She had been without money for a week,
her clothing was soiled and torn, her food and
lodgings were the gift of farmers, and she
made up her mind not to follow the husban I
further. Failing to be provided for otherwi
she took the child on her arm and started lor
Jackson, walking every mile of tho way and
begging food and a place to sleep. At Jack
son she was forwarded to Chicago by the Post
master, and the same official in Chicago for
warded the pair to this point, arriving yester
day morning. The shoes on the woman’s feet
were worn as thin as paper, and there were
dozens of blisters on each foot, going to show
that she had walked a great distance. The
child was barefoot and had a hungry, weary
look which excited every one’s sympathy. The
woman was duly provided for, upon furnishing
proofs that her story was true in the shape of
several certificates, and upon returning to the
depot again a purse of six or seven dollars was
made up for her, and a resident of her own
State, just returning from a trip West, made
an agreement with her, in the presence of a
dozen passengers, that he would give her a
place in his family as a servant as long as she
desired to stay. Almost every day one may
read that a woman killed herself for love of
some unworthy man ; but sucty cases exhibit
more reckless despair and less womanly cour
age than this, where a woman travels at least
two thousand miles, three or four hundred of
the distance on foot, to reclaim a husband who
never was worthy of half her love.
WEATHER REPORTS.
POKING FUN AT THE WEATEER
PROPHETS.
A wag, who has no respect for government
weather reports, has got up a series of his own
for the benefit of the country. He says :
We have lost confidence in the Chief Signal
Office of the War Department at Washington,
and Ins weather report. Ono day he said tha
weather would be clear; we loaned our um
brella, and it rained like blazes.
So we established a signal office of our own
in Washington. The following, which is his
first report, is eminently satisfactory :
Washington, April 29, 12:30 P. M. Synopsis
for the past twenty-four hours : The barometer
got very low on the Pacific coast. It got so
low it went around among the saloons playing
whisky poker. At some Rocky Mountain sta
tion it fell more than five hundred feet.
A heavy snow is reported in Wyoming Terri
tory. Some of it weighs more than twenty
ounces to the pound. The barometer has
risen throughout the Mississippi Valley. It
rose at five o’clock, washed and shaved, and
put on a clean shirt.'
Tho clouds that threatened the weather in
Eastern Patagonia are dissipated. Efforts are
being made to induce the clouds to sign the
pledge and quit their dissipate habits, but
without avail.
The barometer is stationary on the seaboard,
evidently satisfied with the board. On the up
per lakes it has risen to about fifty cents on
the dollar.
It is threatening weather in Georgia and
Tennessee. If it don’t stop threatening weath
er,Congress will interfere under the provisions
of the Ku-Kluxbill. whether or no.
Atmosphere of Washington much improved
since Congress adjourned.
Light rains are beginning to prevail in
Pennsylvania. They are a great improvement
on the heavy reins that have hertofore accom
panied tho old-fashioned Dutch harness in
tnat State.
The barometer is stationary m Texas. That
is about all the stationery they have In that
benighted State.
There is a small area of increased pressure
on the lower lakes. “J. N.” c-grees to assume
the pressure himself.
The highest barometer now extends from
Georgia to Connecticut. It is some seventeen
feet high.
There is a fall of rain in Colorado. It is ex
pected to get down to par in a few days.
Probabilities.— lt is probable that the bar
ometer will continue to fall (over on its nose)
so long as it keeps “high” as it is now.
Fresh winds may be expected to prevail on the
lakes, but the winds on the ocean will continue
to be salt, as heretofore. The pressure will
slowly diminish in the North, but is likely to
be increased in the Southern States. On the
Atlantic coast of the Northern lakes, look out
for clear, squally, pleasant, stormy, sunshiny
weather. .
“A WOMAN IN MYROOM.”
Ilio following joke on a well-known drug
gist ot a neigliboring town is given in the local
paper:
Mr. P started for Now York, loaded with
greenbacks, io purchase chemicals. Having
business to transact in Albsnv. be Btonued ovex
at Stanwix. Morpheus overcame his drowsy
faculties, and he retired to his room—a very
large and roomv one—first floor, last one, left
side, next to North River. Before going to
bed, Mr. P thought he would look for bur-
glars. Washstand and bureau were over
hauled, and the bed looked under ; then a side
door was examined, which might lead to a
closet where some burglar cuss might be hid.
P snatched up the light, raised the latch,
and cautiously entered, robed in his night
shirt. He found himself in the middle of an
other room, when up jumped a lonely female
from another bed, and gave an unearthly
shriek I P dropped the light, and ske-
daddled back to his room, popped into bed,
and covered up his head. The lady sprang
from her bed, and kept screeching. Both rang
their bolls, and up came a porter and a cham
bermaid.
“ What is the matter?” said the porter.
Said P :
“There is a woman in my room, some
where.”
“What is the matter?” asked the chamber
maid.
Said the female :
“There is a man in my room! Drive him
out!”
The side door being partly open, the porter
and chambermaid made for it, and, mooting,
saw the difficulty. Porter commenced making
inquiries of P -, when the latter said :
“Nover mind. I see that the lady is a
somnambulist, and has been walking in her
sleep."
“Datmaybe,” replied the porter ; “ but how
de debble cum dat ar candle what 1 left you in
her room ?”
P saw that he was caught, and said :
“See hero, my African friend, you’d better
dig out of this. I want to go to sleep."
Niagara and Honeymoon.
How tiro Ducks 11 and. nßears 11 Wan
der Around the Fadis.
(From the Boston Post.)
Daytime or evening is all the same. It is
utterly impossible to turn around without en
countering these stray couples, wandering
around in n sublimely indifferent manner, evi
dently not knowing where they are going or
what they are going for, absorbed completely
in one another, hearing neither the thunder of
the falls nor the rush of the rapids. The only
wonder is that they don't walk off the bank in
some of their fits of absorption. They have a
way of sight seeing entirely their own. They
go down to the brink of the falls, stand ad
miringly near the edge, and ecstatically mur
mur, “ beautiful 1” looking all the time straight
into one another’s eyes. They haunt Goat
Island and the Three Sisters, and every cozy
nook on those romantic islands is occupied all
day. There is a perpetual series of tableauxs
vicants there, very amusing to the looker on,
but infinitely more enjoyable to the actors, as
is the manner of tableaux generally. Peeping
through the interlacing branches of the trees
comes the flutter of a pretty morning dress—
there they are, billing and cooing, utterly free
from any fear of interruption, saying the sweet
things that lovers have said from time im
memorial, emphasizing and punctuating in
their own way, which is the way of all the
world, in like situations, until, startled by a
rustling of leaves and a sound of footsteps,
they sit uncomfortably upright, assume an air
of unconcern, and entirely overdo their at
tempts to delude the new comers into the be
lief that they have maintained their present
relative positions religiously all the while, and
that nothing would induce them to change
them.
Another of their amusements is riding up
and down the elevator at the whirlpool. There
is a sort of excitement about that; the bride
looks timid, and screams a little, and lays her
pretty hand appealingly on the bridegroom’s
arm, and he grows very courageous, and reas
sures her in the most satisfactoyv manner, and
altogether thefe Is ii aEafm anu fascination
about that elevator that is unsurpassed by
anythin® except going down to the ferry in
the oar that fulls down the inclined plane, and
gives everyone the sensation of being on their
way to certain destruction. This is, if possi
ble, a little better than the elevator, ior there
is a greater reason for show of timidity and
fear, and there is such a pleasure and comfort
in being consoled under such circumstances.
The new-made husband feels an added weight
of responsibility, a new sense of importance,
recognizes the weakness of the frail creature
committed to his charge, mentally quotes
Michelet, adopts Dr. Todd for his prophet on
the spot, and pronounces Dr. Bushnell the
wisest man and most logical thinker of the
age. While she, full of admiration for his
bravery, compares him to all her heroes of ro
mance, who, of course, suffer by the contrast,
takes a new departure in his religious belief,
and puts her confidence in St. Paul, and de
termines never to attend another Woman Suf
frage Convention while she lives, for she has
no will nor opinion of her own, and what is
more, she never wishes to have. This is a
blissful state while it lasts, but wait until you
meet them a year from now. They may be
just as happy, and equally contented, but that
little woman will have developed a will of her
own, and it is more than probable that she
will have a new interpretation for St. Paul’s
homilies, and “wives obey your husbands”
will not bo her most constant quotation. Just
now it is, and she never is weary of repeating
it; with the added assertion, “ and I promised
to in the service, didn’t I, dear?”
And “dear” quite agrees with her that she
did.
A MAGDALEN’S DEATH.
(From the Washington Capital.')
“ Fisk’s is the Fall River line, is it not ?”
“Yes. And the way he trios to beat every
body else, and make his the line to Boston, is
astonishing. Why, I’ll tell you something
about Fisk.
“ One day, just as we were starting from
Now York, a trim little girl stepped aboard,
and took a stateroom, saying she was going
through to Boston. She wasn’t dressed loud,
but mighty neat and rich, wearing a Turkish
hat, velvet sack trimmed with lace, a dress
with a lot of scollops and trimming around it,
and about the most bewildering foot I ever saw
on a human being. She was pretty, sassy, and
called me 1 old father’ at supper, and carried on
in away that soon showed what she was,
though she deceived me at first with her baby
face and girlish manners.
“She was standing ou deck, about seven
o’clock, after having horrified the ladies, and
amused the gentlemen by her rollicking man
ner, and became quiet for a few minutes, while
she looked far out at sea. She turned round
.to the captain, and, putting up her small white
hands, and taking him by the whiskers on each
side of his face, she looked up to him, and says
she, very solemnly:
‘ Did you ever want to die, captain ?’
“ ‘Well, no,’ says he ; ‘I don’t think I ever
did.’
“ • And if you did,’ said she, ‘ what would you
do ?’
“ ‘ Well, in that case,’ said the captain, loos
ing her hands, and turning away, ‘ I think, as
I have plenty of opportunity, I should jump
into the Sound, and drown myself.’
“ The words were hardly out of his mouth
before she turned round like a flash, and, put
ting one hand on the railing, leaped overboard.
Sho was gone before a person could stir to
catch her, and a terrible scream arose from the
passengers who saw it. I was standing aft
when I heard the shouts, and looked out and
saw her come to the surface. Sho had taken
off her hat, and her splendid brown hair, which
she woro loose down her back, floated in a
mass on the water. I fancied she looked
straight at me with her childish face as she
came up, and there was nothing wild or strug
gling about her, but she seemed to smile m
the same jaunty way that she did when she
was plaguing me halt an hour before. In an
other moment, she was swept rapidly astern,
and disappeared. We put about, and lowered
the boats, but never found her.
“ It is strange how the women, who had been
so shocked at her conduct before, now pitied
and even wept for the little girl when they
found what a load there must have been in the
foolish baby’s heart while she was laughing
the loudest.
“ She had left a small reticule in the cabin,
and when we opened it, we found some verses,
written in a little cramped hand; on a folded
sheet of note paper. They ran about this way,
and were headed:
A MAGDALEN’S DEATH.
I can no longer endure this polluting,
This festering breath;
Gladly I fly to the refuge that’s left me,
Merciful death.
Not sadly, tearfully,
But gladly, cheerfully,
Go to my death.
Priests may refuse to grant sanctified burial
There unto me.
Father, I thauk Thee 1 a blessing is always held
Over the sea.
Ay, in its wildest foam,
Ay, in its thickest gloom,
ulessed is the sea.
Welcome, O sea 1 with thy breakings and flashings
That never shall cease;
Down in thy angriest, stormiest waters
Oh, hide me in peace.
Say to the weary lace,
Come to thy resting-place,
Slumber in peace.
Petrified Whales. California
sends us another of its remarkable little stories
through the medium of the Los Angeles News,
of the 3d inst., the same being as follows :
While “ Uncle” Billy Ru bottom was engaged, a
few days ago, in quawrying stone near the top
of a very high hill near his residence, he struck
a promising lead of petrified whales. The
bones are very numerous, and completely
turned into stone. The vertebras, particular
ly, were found in great numbers, and are easily
recognizable from their peculiar form. How
the whales got up there, and how long they
have been there, are questions for geologists,
to whom the discovery offers a fine field for
examination and research. The presence of
the remains of marine animals upon such an
elevation is a fact difficult to explain.
A Chicago boy hangs by one hand
from a fifth story window, ‘‘just to scare the
folks below.” He succeeds in dyawjmr a largo
Icrowd ever/ time,
[Original.!
EVENTIDE,
By Louise Malcom S teuton.
I’m lonely in th© eventide,
Dreaming bo fondly, love, of thee.
While moonlight gleams on inglosida
And on the flower-scented lea.
I muse on all thy loving words—
Methinks I bear thy dear, sweet voice,
That thrills with music like a bird’s,
And makes my throbbing heart rejoice.
I feel the clasp of thy warm hand—
In fancy still thou seomest near;
But, oh! my hopes “are ropes of sand/*
My starving soul is filled with fear.
I know “ man’s love is of man’s life
A thing apart,” a misty dream,
And in the heat of worldly strife
Oft proves an ignus fatuus gleam.
And love is but an episode
In man’s fickle, changeful heart,
That Oapid’s darts can ne’er corrode,
Though a slight smart he may import,
Weekly
We arc glad to find from the numerous com
munications of a congratulatory nature 'we re
ceive, that our efforts to make “Our Weekly
Gossip ” a feature in the Dispatch, are appre
ciated, and we-will endeavor to continue to
make it as enjoyable a portion of the paper as
we have hitherto done. It is a disagreeable
though very necessary task, however, to de
cline may of the contributions sent to us; at
the same time that we do so we would beg to
express our thanks for the good-will exhibited
toward us by the persons who arc so anxious
for the success of the “Gossip” column.
The following is from a new aspirant for
“Gossip” honors; and as we are always glad
to encourage beginners where we can see a lit
tle merit in their production, we make room
for this, hia first production, and, we hope, last
appearance.
ON A SPREE.
My chum and I went on a spree;
We took of lager—glasses three;
Which made our heads go round and round,
And I, alas! fell to the ground.
Just then, a “peeler ” coming by,
My form upon the ground did spy;
He took his club to help me up,
I thanked him with a kind hic-cup.
My chum unto a tree had froze,
Its friendly bark had scratched his nose,
When “ peeler” two he came along,
And whacked him on the back so strong.
He gave the tree a farewell hug,
And forthwith staggered to the “jug.”
“ Oh 1 has he left me ?” then I cried;
I sat upon the walk, and sighed.
Oh! glasses three! Ah! woe is me!
I’il not again go on a spree.
D. Bauch.
“D. Bauch” has made anything but a botch
of his little pome, and if he is careful, will
doubtless soon produce something much bet
ter. He must avoid*going on a spree, though,
if he wishes to keep his head clear. We are no
advocates for teetotalism, but we are hearty
disciples of temperance, and would recommend
“D. Bauch” to remember that*
“The wise do always govern their own fate,
And fortune with officious zeal attends
To crown their enterprises with success.”
The “Widow Hookem” sends the following ;
and, judging from its tone, she appears to be
sufferingtfrom some little irritation:
Dear Mr. Boss: It’s as plain as the nose on your
face (and that is a pretty extensive feature in your
case' that somethin a has got to Women’s
rights "have got io ffourlsfii fit the 019 must
live to a Methuselah-hke age, Olid keep Oil grinding
out money, or else this community will starve. If
the old people die—and they will do it—there will
be no business carried on; no more lawyers, doc
tors, or even butchers, unless the women step into
the offices. Why ? Simply because the young men
of the period seem to think of nothing else but their
immaculate shirt bosom, their fancy clothing, their
tall hat, their kids and cane, either to parade
Broadway or congregate on the corners to flirt and
pass remarks. Poor young men ! They make fine
advertisements for their tailor; but even that de
lightful employment will be taken away from them,
because there will be no tailors to advertise I Who
among them will stoop to the degradation of learn
ing how to clothe the outer man ? A tailor! Horri
ble idea! while pa has so much of the “ spondulix,”
or ma can make so many shirts at twenty-five cents
apiece on the sewing machine! No, no; young men
of the period cannot learn trades—they are vulgar;
and young men of the period cannot confine them
selves to study a profession—their brains (?) are
weak and easity overworked. They cannot become
merchants—too much responsibility and no money.
They won’t work; there is no earthly niche for them,
unless it is to infest the ballrooms and street cor
ners. Poor young men I What a horrible prospect
ior the future, if pa and ma dies, unless some sensi
ble (?) girl will marry them and take care of them.
I declare, my heart aches for them! And I beg of
you, Mr. Editor, and of all other middle-aged gen
tlemen (or, rather, I would say, gentlemen in busi
ness, regardless oi age), to try and live as long as
possible. Be careful of your health, I implore you,
and be careful of your dollars, that the young and
tender “goats” be not thrown out helpless and
penniless upon the cruel and unfeeling world too
soon. Live, live I you must! You cannot have the
heart to die 1 Or, it you will die, don’t do it until
after women’s rights are in a more flourishing con
dition than at present, so that they may be capable of
taking the responsibility of keeping starvation from
the young meu of the period. <Widow Hookem.
Really, if the dear lamented “ Hookem” had
been alive, we should have come to the conclu
sion he had been irritating hia charming
spouse, the tone of the above communication
is so venomous. We do not know what we have
done to deserve tho public attention being
called to the length or size of our nasal ap
pendage. We have hitherto rather fancied our
own “ bugle” not only on account of what we
considered its shapeliness, but because it never
poked its way Into ether people’s business. We
feel extremely grieved to think that it should
have offended the artistic eye of the lonely
widow, and trust she will look over it thia time,
more particularly as we had nothing to do with
its manufacture, and when we get another one
we will ask her to cut us out a pattern of the
style she most admires. What have the young
men of tho period been doing to the widow
though ? All this “ tempest in a teapot” must
have had some cause for its sudden rise. Has
one of them been flirting with her, and leading
her to suppose sho was his “guidiug star,”
and then left her to exclaim :
“ Talk spot of comfort, *tis for lighter ills;
I will indulge my sorrows, and give way
To all the pangs and fury of despair.”
Oh! young men of the period you catch it
well this week; why the reflection upon our
large nose, and the cut at our being “ middle
aged,” are nothing as compared to the doso
you have got. We shall have to employ a
private detective to follow the widow and see
if she is in communication with the well-known
and strong-minded “Susan B.” If, in her des
pair at the slight prospect of being able to
change her position from that of a “lone, lorn
widder,” she has joined the “Women’s Rights”
movement, we can readily account for the
furious tone of her last two communications.
“ Spivens” is on hand this week with
A CHAPTER OF BLUNDERS.
One day, in the early Spring time, amid a pitiless,
pelting shower of rain and hail, a traveling carriage
was toiling up the difficult ascent of the Adirondacks
—the beasts which drew it stumbling every now and
then amid the shallow current of mud and water that
was rushing by them, momently increasing in vol
ume. This ark of refuge contained two tired way
farers, fresh from the city’s purlieus—individuals,
who, though sufficiently imposing as leaders of the
fashionable coterie, enlivened by the golden sunshine
of their hospitality and the jingling of their money
bags at home, were become, in the unaccustomed
position into which fate thus had thrown them, the
most insignificant of creatures. Both were thor
oughly alarmed, and more than half frozen, and the
uncertainty under which the driver was evidently
laboring (it was either uncertainty or the contents of
a flask which he kept in his bosom—perhaps a little
of both) added to the terrors of their situation.
With every bump, simultaneous exclamations of an
guish would issue from within—proceeding from the
not very adventurously inclined Mr. Grimsten Gat
tiepips, while Moses, his son, shrank into a corner
of the vehicle, and was speechless from fear.
An unusually loud outcry from the little box of
black leather announced a catastrophe. The car
riage. coming in contact with something bigger than
a pebble, had come down with a crash that half
stunned its occupants.
“That last bounce has finished me,” moaned the
elder of the Gattlepips; “take m.-, Moses, to the
nearest inn, and lei me makemy will.”
‘•lt’s nearly time, sir,” replied the dutiful Moses,
as the door of the vehicle opened directly over his
head and discovered to therfl the astonishing fact
that they had been overturned. Gattlepips, senior,
was crouching on the opposite side of tho box in
which they had been confined, with his’fegs through
the glass pane, comfortably reposing in a pocket of
mud, while his son was covered up with cushions,
instead of resting upon them.
“ This comes of speculating in those con
founded ‘wild lauds,’ as you call them,”
growled Moses, as he with difficulty got out and
helped to' disentangle his unhappy parent. “ It’s all
your doings, sir, curse me 1 It’s fortuuato if this ad
venture has not cost us a life. I can see nothing of
tho driver.”
‘ It will cost me mine yet, I fool certain,” groaned
Gattlepips, writhing about in great pain. “How did
this happen, sir? and what are we to do, in the next
place ?”
“ Sure, we haven’t come to tho next place yet,”
answered the luckless driver, who now camo crawl
ing up from a ditch into which ho had tumbled;
“ and as to the kaytisterfy, sure ’cwas no fault 0’
mine av tho road would keep shlidin’ away so I”
Moses glanced toward his feet, and there really
seemed reason in what the Irishman said, for they
were standing nearly kuee deep in a roaring stream,
and the earth at the bottom seemed to be actually in
motion.
“ If wo remain here long enough,” growled Moses,
“ we sha.l have no need of ascending to tho top of the
mountain; it wilt come down to us.”
“Faith, ye’re a whimsical chap,” said the Irish
man, slapping the slender Moses on tho back with a
vehemence which sent him on all-fours into the
pudd'o.
*• A little loss familiarity, follow, and see if you can
assist us to replace the vehicle-”
“The pieces, you mane; and sure ho calls it a nay*
hade,*' replied Pat. “Murdhert murdherl it was
the name made it bust,.sliure!”
And, with his assistance, the “coach” was soon
righted. ,
“Now, look to the quadruped,And let us be off ftff
soon as possible,” said Moses.
“Now I’m puzzled intirely,” said Pat. “The—
what P”
“ Pshaw, stupid! The horses, to be sure. Now,
so far, so good,” said Moses. “.Even this shelter is
better than none. I see a light at tho base of ths
hill. We two can remain here while this man goes
for assistance.”.
“ Is it me ?” was the prompt rejoinder.
“Of course, you! Who else ?”
“Divil a bit will I stir, thin, undher a dollar, an<(
me sufferin’ from the effex oi a big rock that fell on
me.”
“ That you fell over, you mean, sir.”
“Well, all’s one; the bump’s there, anyhow.”
“You shall have a dollar, then, and you m.iy,taka
one of the horses, if you prefer it.”
“The bosses are wiser than us—they’ve taken
thlm o e!ve3, and where they are by this mabby tho
witches can tell—tho place is full of them.”
“Ono thousand dollars gone, not counting the car
riage!” moaned Mr. Gattlepips. “What place da
you call this, friend ?”
“It’s the Divll’s Paradise,” was the answer; “and
the peak that we saw there forninst us just now
through the lightning is his pitchfork. It’s Shank's
mare i’ll have to make do me, I’m thinking; but
don’t yees be alarmed, gintiemen—l’ll bo back afore
mornin’, and as the freshet increases ye can go high*
er up, ye know. I wonder now is this a good bill he
is giving me ?”
And with such broken mutterings he disappeared,
leaving tho two Gattlepips shivering within the
wretched shelter of the carriage. He was better at
heart than he seemed, for he soon returned with
some people, bringing lights, and another hour saw
them seated by tho comfortab e fireside of an inn,
the liveliness of whose interior amply compensated
for the. discomforts from which they had just been
delivered. There was, it is true, a suspicious look
about the place, and the two hurriedly bolted a meal,
and as quickly as possible, in spite of the landlord’s
warnings, took to horse, followed by two scowling
interlopers, who had made them the objects of spe
cial attention. No sooner were they out of sightxjf
the hovel than au onslaught was made. The elder
stranger appeared to be assiduous in bis endeavors
to prevent robbery, but a blow aimed at him with his
pitchfork by the guide’s accomplice caused him to
desist. With a loud cry both father and son wheeled!
about and put spurs to their horses and dashed down
i the road, only, however, to run into frosh disasters.
A grape-vino had been stretched across the path,
crossing and recrossing it several times, and scarcely
perceptible in the gloom of this place. In a mo
ment Moses and the old man were rolling overman*!,
over in the mud, which gave the rest ample tima
to come up with them. Others came forth from ths
under-growth, in which they had been ambushed,
and surrounded the travelers.
“ Strip them as quickly as possible, but don’t harm
them,” said one, in an evidently dissembled tone,
whose face was as forbidding as those of his com
rades, an 1 whose tones bore a striking resemblance
to those of the landlord. The victims in tho mean
while lay perfectly quiet until they had been search
ed, when the footpads, with great show of dis
appointment, and after binding them fast, on hear
ing footsteps, disappeared, as a fat, pursy little fel
low bustled up with the several suspicious characters
aforesaid.
“ Arrest these men,” said the pursy one; “peace*
ably if you will, forcibly if you must.”
“ We have fallen into a precious den of thieves,”
groaned Moses. “If you are not of them, you will
assist us in getting as speedily as possible out of thia
labyrinth.”
“I?—that is, we!” responded the pursy one, with
dignity. “ The sheriff’s possy-comeatibus thieves
and highwaymen 1 Young man, this day’s adven
tures have affected your reason. But, you will re
member, they warned you against pursuing thia
road.”
“Since you are safe with the sheriff,” said the
guide, “ I must leave you to his disposal.”
He was turning to depart, when Moses called out:
“ I insist upon that man being detained; he is tha
ringleader of the pack.”
“Of course,” replied the officer. “Let him ger,
indeed, after all my day’s trouble I This morning*!
swore I’d arrest somebody, and I’ll do it. Hand*
cuffs for all of ’em, Tommy !” 1
“There is no occasion for much zeal in this mat*
ter,” said Gattlepips; “I am as ready to be arrested
aa you ere to arrest. It may servo as a lesson to him
through whose fault it happens that lam here. Ha
has earned his reward. It was for even such a sin
that Sampson was delivered over to the Phillistines,
and Antony lost an empire.” .
“No doubt, no doubt; we’ll see about all this pre*
sently; but it must be recollected that I—that is, wo
—tiavo somotmug _ BaT in thia /s to re.
Wards--h*m e ! h’m! 1 fancs I know J 3 »,
entitled to mem,” said the pursy one. " ? " '’*’’**
“ Wbat arc we standing here for ?” spluttered Gat*
tiepips, for the first time finding his tongue. “ Why
don’t you arrest the vagabonds ? Are honest men
to be shot down and murdered on the highway, and
obtain no redress ?”
“Go you before,” said the officer to Gattlepipff,
“doubtless you know the road; and, remember, my
—that is, our revolvers are on you.”
“Curse on your roads and all roads from hence
forth,” said Gattlepips; “hereafter broad pave
ments will answer my turn. Oh, Ido love the sight
of an honest cobblestone 1”
“Then here’s one to look at,” said Moses, limp
ing up. “It came at my head just now, but a littla
too close for inspection.”
“The ways of fate are inscrutable,” gabbled the
fat under sheriff, pocketing a piece of money be
stowed on him by a bystander. “ For this liberality
I am much your debtor.”
“That is, we,” put in one of the posse, submis*
sively.
“ With all due deference to your official character,”
Interrupted Moses, “my father and I are perishing
of cold and hunger, while you, apparently as bad as
the rest, are quarreling over the spoils.”
“Aptly said, sir—aptly said. You remind us of
our duty. Come, move on there;” and the caval
cade, headed by the officer and his two associates on
foot, took their way to the court-house, where the
new comers arrived about as heartily sick of their
adventure as then worst enemy could have desired.
On reaching that stronghold of authority, matters
were explained, and the two Gattlepips were carried
down, and allowed to take their departure, leaving
the pursy myrmidon of tho law not a little astonish
ed, that instead of preventing a robbery he actually
assisted at one. Spivins.
We will close the gossip this week with tho
following
SCINTILLATIONS.
Hon. Benjamin F. Wade and tho
late Hon. Joshua Giddings, used to be constant com
petitors at the bar in “old benighted Ashtabula,”
their place of residence. In the early part of his
practice, Wade was defending a man against an ac
tion of slander, and, after having concluded a very
effective speech to the jury, sat awkwardly leaning
backward, his feet on the counsel table, and Lc'ng
Giddings, who was attempting to be eloquent m be
half of his slandered client. “Old Gid,” as he was
familiarly called, knew a little smattering of Shak
spere, and now determined to bring that great au*
thor to his aid. “ Gentlemen of the jury,” he said,
with much ardor, •
“ ‘He that steals my purse steals trash.
But he that robs me of my good name—’
(Ahem!) At this point, to his great discomfltuJW)
Shakspere deserted him. He repeated:
“ ‘But he that robs me of my good name—’ ”
(Another pause.) “Takes that I never had,” whiff*
pered Wade, as if prompting him, and so distinctly
as to be heard by all in the room. Amid the laugh
ter and his own confusion, Giddings brought his
speech to such a “ lame and impotent conclusion,”
that his client recovered but six and a quarter cental
for his lost character.
A preacher was one day struck
with surprise on beholding a beautiful set of curia
on the; head of a lovely maid, a member of his class,
whose hair had been usually very plain. “Ah,
Eliza,” said he, “you should not waste your precious
time curling your hair; if God intended it to ba
curled, he would have curled it for you.” •‘lndeed,”
said the witty maid, “I must differ from you. When
I was an infant he curled it for me; but now I an>
grown up, he thinks I am able to do it myself.”
An attendant at Mount Vernon,
not long since, found a lady weeping most bitterly
and audibly, with her handkerchief at her eyes. Ha
stepped up to her and said, “Ale you in any trouble,
madam?” “No, sir,” she sobbed. “I saw you
weeping.” “Ah!” said she, “how can one help
weeping at the grave of the Father of his Country?”
“Oh, indeed, madam,”said he, “that’s it! Ths
tomb’s over yonder. This is the ice-house!”
■' At Boston a milk wagon was run
away with and smashed against a fence, the milk
running ail around. Soon after, the owner of tha
fence, who didn’t see the accident, but saw the ef
fects of it, went and complained to the police that
some one had been at his house in his absence and
spread dirty whitewash all over his fence, That
shows what kind of milk they have in Boston. Na
wonder the women are sour.
“ 0 tell me where is fancy bred ?
She asked—and getting bolder,
She placed her little darling head
And chignon on my shoulder.
And I, with no more poetry in
My soul than in a Quaker’s,
Replied, with idiotic grin,
“ You’ll find it at the baker’s.”
A pious lady, descanting at th6
breakfast-table, the other morning, on the holy state
of matrimony, repeated the old saying that “matches
are made in Heaven,” when her little son, a bright
boy of six, said : “ Yes, dear mamma, that’s where
parlor matches are made, but how about the othec
kinds ?”
An Assistant United States Mar
shal in Louisville, in taking the census, asked a
colored woman wbat personal property she pos*
sossed, to which she replied, “Nothin’ but dess
t’ree chil’en yere, an’ drey an t wuth much si nee ths
'mancipation procklermation!”
A Frenchman, stopping at a tav
ern, asked for Jacob. “ There is no such person
here,” said the landlord. “’Tis not a person I
want, sate, but de beer warmed wid de poker.”
“ Well,” answered mine host, “ that is flip.” “Ab,
yees, sare, you are in de right, I mean Philip.”
“What have you done to further
progress ?” asked a sanctimonious philosopher one
day of Jenkins. Jenkins’ reply was clear and de*
clsive: “I’ve produced seven boys and two girls,
sir.” The iihilosopher departed, and for the first
lime in his life—though;.
A Down Easter, the other day,
came into town in a great bluster inquiring 0:
everybody he met if they had seen anything of hia
“keow.” A wrfi called him to one side, and said ha
saw a cow hide in a shoe shop as he—the owner-«
came round the owner.
A gentleman traveling on a steam
er, one day at dinner was making away with a larga
pudding close by, when he was told by the servant
that it was dessert. “It matters not to me,” ha
said, “ I would eat it if it were a wilderness.”
A country paper, in speaking of
the street organ playing of a soldier without arms,
who worked the crank with bis foot, happily says:
“His playing was for above the usual average; he
threw bis sole into it.’’
A couple of chaps, says the Doug
las, N. Y., Gazette, are making a fish-pond to cover
eight or ten acres. They’ve already put the fish in
position, and are new sitting around waiting for a
shower.
Owing to the peculiar arrange
ment of the programme, no pieca can be repeated,**
was the answer White received from his landladj
upon asking for a second piece 01' pie at dinner. f ,
The potato bugs in lowa are sitting
in ths comers of the tancaa waiting for business.
7

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