OCR Interpretation

New York dispatch. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1863-1899, April 12, 1885, Image 7

Image and text provided by Library of Congress, Washington, DC

Persistent link: https://chroniclingamerica.loc.gov/lccn/sn85026214/1885-04-12/ed-1/seq-7/

What is OCR?

Thumbnail for 7

Softly the lone wind moans the year just dead.
Tis meet that thou should’st wail. oh. Winter wind I
Sure it were but unkind
Did Summer’s wealth of flow’rets deck the bed
Whereon she lies, whom I have loved so well,
1 scarce can bear to hear her parting knoll.
'lts well, oh. Winter wind, that thou should’st
moan !
I could not suffer Spring’s sweet birds to sing
Nor shall the joy bells ring,
Now she I loved lies there quite dead, alone,
Gone from mo evermore, passed quite away,
Past the horizon of our mortal day.
Dear, dead, fair year, I will not call thee old;
■I loved thee so. Within thy swift rolled space
Life looked me in the face;
Looked in mine heart, gave me his ring of gold,
'Then gazed I for the last time in the eyes
Of my lost youth—there, next thy heart, he lies.
;Bo fold him in thy shadowy arms, dead year;
I felt it sad to know that he was gone,
Forever passed on;
Leaving me weighted with a growing fear
That I had parted with my young fresh morn,
Doeing it all before I knew him born.
Tears fast must fall, dear year, upon thy brow,
They are as pearls upon thy placid face !
The coffin-lid is now
Half-closed, but still for just one little space
1 stand bosido and gaze. The wind sounds wild,
And sobs and wails like to some stricken child.
Good-by, dear year! God keep thee next his heart,
And give thee back to me, when death is passed.
And lam called at last
-.From all life’s disappointed pain to part.
I ask no better gift irom Heaven’s vast store,
Than all unchanged to hold thee evermore.
(From Chambers's Journal.)
We sitting one sunny morning on the es
planade at Weymouth, my dear old friend
Colonel Ramsay and I, watching with interest
the movements of an unusually large vessel at
some distance from the land. Accustomed to
see vessels of all sizes and builds, I knew at
once that she was no mere merchantmen; and
for some time, as she approached little by little,
and showed a lofty side and a forest of spars,
both the coloneland I were in lined to think
her a large ironclad, probably detached from
the Channel Fleet. But as her distance lessened,
and we saw that her lofty sides were painted
white, and were scored along their whole
length with small square ports, we knew that
ehe was one of those great Indian troopships
employed by the admiralty tor the special pur
pose of carrying our soldiers m safety and com
fort to or from our Eastern dependency. Pres
ently she rounded the Breakwater, headed for
the anchorage in Portland, and in doing so,
passed behind the No the Fort and out of our
“ Ah, my dear madam,” said the colonel, as
'he removed and wiped his glasses, ‘ they take
more care of the British subaltern nowadays
than they did when I joined the service. No
body had ever heard of a troopship in those
■days; we just took a passage in any vessel that
was available, no matter if she was fit for the
work or not; and where these ships take weeks,
wo used to take months, and regarded it as a
matter of course.”
“Yes,” said I; “I have often road of difficul
ties, and even dangers, incurred by our troops
on their Indian voyage; but I used to think
‘them probably greatly exaggerated.”
“Exaggerated, madam!” quoth the colonel
hotly. “ Say, rather, not a tenth part was told.
I once, on my first voyage, encountered per
haps the most bloodthirsty pirate that then
Bailed the seas.”
“How terrible 1” I cried. “A pirate! 1
thought a vessel carrying troops would be cer
tainly sale from such an attack.”
“Stay!” interrupted the colonel. “I have
not said that the ship was full of armed troops;
though even in that case she might be unequal
to the task of driving off a determined pirate.
But the case I am speaking of was very different,
and if you care to bear it, I will tell it to you.”
“ I should like it very much,” I said; “ the at
traction of a story of real life is too great to be
“Very well,” said the old colonel; “ then you
shall have it, whether worthy of your interest
■or not. You must know,” he continued, “ that
when I joined the army—more, than fifty years
ago—l was gazetted to a regiment then quar
tered in the West Indies; and on making in
quiries as to my passage, I was informed that a
vessel would shortly sail for that station, and
that some other officers, belonging to my own
and other regiments, would take a passage in
her. She was a bark of about seven hundred
tons, called the “Alfred,’’and I joined her at
•Gravesend. A smart, trim, little craft ehe was;
■and her captain prided himself on her appear
ance, and inspired his men with the same*feel
ing. I found two or three young fellows going
out like myself to join their regiments; a mar
ried major with his wife and child, and his sis
ter-in-law, and two other ladies going to join
their husbands abroad. As usual, we were
ehorthanded enough as regards the crew, who
barely numbered twenty all told.
“Just before I went "down to join the ship, a
terrible tale of outrage upon the high seas had
occupied the minds of all in England, for the
papers were full of the horrible story of the dis
covery of the “Morning Star,” and of the trag
edy that wa« revealed when that unhappy ves
sel was boarded as a derelict. It I remember
aright, they who were told off to board and ex
amine the apparently deserted ship found, on
entering the ‘saloon, her ill-fated officers and
passengers sitting back to back around the long
table, closely lashed in pairs, each with his
throat gashed from ear to ear ! And there were
fair and delicate girls among them too—none
epared — not on© '? And the fiends who had done
this deed had attempted to scuttle the ship, that
she might sink, and carry all evidence of the
awful crime down to the bottom of the sea, to
join the sad list of vessels that are posted as
* missing,’ none know how or where. But
Providence willed it otherwise.
“Well, as I say, it was this story that was in
tho minds and mouths of us all as we gathered
first around the tai de in the‘Allred’s’saloon,
and the weaker expressed strong apprehensions
of a similar fate befalling us on our lonely voy
age, and some who were strong of heart tried
to laugh down the notion; and others even
made as if they would desire such a
'that they might wreak vengeance upon
auch demons. Our good little commander
aald nothing, or at any rate but little; but,
as we afterward found, he made, every inquiry
that was possible as to the appearance, size,
armament and habitat of the pirate ship to
which this deed was ascribed.
“Then we sailed, and for the first time I ex
perienced the delicious pleasure of sweeping
■down the Channel with a fresh and fair wind,
the English coast spreading out before us from
the Foreland to the Start, as we rushed along
hour after hour, bright sun overhead, tight lit
tle ship underfoot, young blood in my veins,
and all the world before me. What wonder,
then, that, ere we were clear of the Channel,
the ghastly mystery of the ‘Morning Star’ was
pretty nearly erased from my memory, crowd
ed out by the thousand new sensations conse
quent upon this new departure in my life ?
“ All went well with us. No hurricane came
down to drive us struggling in the wild whirl
of waters; the wind was not always fair, nor the
sky always bright, but the monotony of the voy
age was disturbed by no menace of disaster.
At last a day came when our lit-le captain, at
breakfast, announced to us that it the wind held
Sair and strong, we might hope to reach enr
destination in another forty-eight hours, and to
us, more than satisfied as we were with our
experience of the sea, weary of being cooped
up in so small a vessel, and full of eager desire
to see the wonders of the foreign land, the an
nouncement was delightful; and often and
anxiously did we pop up from below and cast a
glance around to see if the wind still held fair.
On one of these occasions, when I had for the
twentieth time in the last hour put my head up
the hatchway to see if all was well, I noticed
the skipper standing alt with his glass to his eye
looking long and hard at some distant object:
and following the direction of bis telescope, I
saw a speck which could be nothing else but a
“ Hillo ! captain,” said I, “ a stranger in
eight ?”
“ Yes,” said he quietly; “ she is coming up
with us fast. She must be bringing up a breeze
with her, or we are running out of the wind,
which she still holds. A short time ago we
could only see her topsails, and now her hull is
'rising. Take a look at her,” and he handed the
glass tome.
“1 looked. She seemed a small brig or
brigantine, with very square yards, and she
was, as he said, overhauling us fast; but other
than that I could not tell.
“ The wind is failing fast,” said our skipper;
” I am afraid it will end in a dead calm.”
“ I did not answer; I merely rushed down
below with the eagerness o youth. ‘ I say, a
sail I you fellows—that looks like nearing land,
eh—Miss Dash! a sail! You’ll see it right aft;
the captain thinks the wind is falling;’ and away
I rushed on deck again to inspect anew the
interesting stranger. I was surprised not to
see the skipper anywhere about the deck; but
following the eye of the man at the
wheel, £ looked aloft, and saw him
settling himself down in the crosstrees and
levelling his glass once more. Ho, too, was in
terested in her, that was evident. Presently he
’dosed his glass, came down from aloft, and said
to the first mate :
“Mr. Brown, stunsails 1”
“ How glad we were ! Wo loved to see the
Btunsails set, and to feel that the little ship was
doing her best to bring her long voyage to an
pud, and our captain was evidently anxious to
be in port. The extra canvas pulled her along
considerably faster than she had gone before,
but it was evident that the breeze was fadin’’
away both with us and with the stranger, for
the glass showed that she, too, had set stun
sails. As the evening came down, the wind fell
to almost nothing, and it its place an exceed
ingly heavy ground-swell gc.t up, on which our
little ship rolled and squattered in a most rest
less and uncomfortable manner.
“ As it was impossible to remain comfortably
on deck, the ship rolled so incessantly and
wildly, I went below, turned in, and tried hard
to sleep, but the motion of the ship made it
almost impossible. Again and again I woke
through the hot night, and in the occasional in
tervals of noise, fancied I heard the skipper’s
voice giving orders on deck, but this I supposed
was merely imagination. At last, ar about five
A. M. I could stand it no longer—my bunk was
intolerable, and, tossing on my clothes, I scram-
bled as Lest I could up the ladder and staggered
cautiously aft.
“Good morning, captain. Not a breath of
wind, oh? and she is rolling worse than ever, I
think. Ab, there’s our friend!” I added, as I
looked in the direction of the strange vessel.
“Seems nearer than last night, after ail. What
do you make of her ?” , ~ ,
“ i don’t like the look of her at all,” said he,
very gravely and in a low voice. “ I don’t wish
to alarm you unnecessarily, but I never saw a
craft of more suspicious appearance. She is
showing no colors, though ours wore hoisted at
daylight; she carries a great number of guns
for a vessel employed in trade; she has a per
fect swarm of men on board, and what is more,”
added he, sinking his voice so that not even the
man at the wheel could hear him, “ she is terri
bly like the description of the craft which is
supposed to have taken the “ Morning Star !”
For an instant my blood seemed to rush back
to my heart and congeal there; but I mastered
my excitement and concealed it as best I might.
“ What can we do ?” said I in a low voice.
“ Not much, I fear,” returned he, calmly.
“We have two guns, carronades, but a very
small supply of shot and powder, and if it camo
to fighting in that way, he could lie off and sink
us at his leisure. But he won’t do that; that is
not his business—he mustfafce first and %ink af
terward, and if it comes to boarding—God help
us I Say nothing about it down below to the
ladies,” he added. “ They will know it, if it is
true, tar too soon as it is; but you might give a
hint to your brother officers.”
With a heavy heart I made my way to the
hatchway to whisper dismay and terror to my
friends below. What a terrible breakfast that
was ! To sit with the ghastly secret weighing
down my heart like lead and hear the gay chatter
of the ladies as they anticipated a speedy arrival,
laid out their plans for the future, and rallied
me and the other men on our want of spirits.
We tried after breakfast, by various excuses, to
keen them down below, but they laughed us
aside, and gayly scrambled up the hatchway to
renew their acquaintance with the stranger, full
of eager hope that she might be within speaking
distance. How they laughed to see her roil till
her copper showed,bright and radiant half-way
to her keel; how they plied the skipper with
questions about her ; ventured to imagine that
she might have friends of theirs on board, and
finally waved handkerchiefs to her in their
guilelessness !
“At last the captain made some excuse for
requesting the ladies to retire below, and hay
ing succeeded in his object, took us all into his
counsel and laid the matter before us.
“ ‘lf, as I have every reason to fear, gentle
men,’ said he, ‘ the craft astern of us is a pirate,
we must face the fact and try and make some plan
of escape. At present I believe we are safe from
him as long as this calm and this tremendous
ground-swell lasts. He cannot come any nearer,
there being no wind ; he cannot hoist out his
boats and tow up to us in so heavy a roll. My
idea is, that he will wait for the roll to go down
and the breeze to spring up, and then take us
at his ease, knowing that we cannot escape now.
But there are one or two things in our favor ;
he cannot have been waiting for us, for our cargo
would be worthless to him. He has probably
fallen across us by p.ccident, and he will want to
know what wo are before he attacks us. Vessels
of his trade have occasionally caught a tartar,
and they learn to be wary. If he thinks we are
worth taking, he will not, as he might, stand off
and play at long-bowls, because that would re
sult in the probable sinking of the ship and loss
of her cargo. On the other hand, he will be
very wary of boarding should he anticipate a
determined resistance from a large number of
armed mon, and in that case the best thing we
can do, as it seems to me, is to let him believe
that wo have troops on board and that any at
tempt on his part to board will meet with a
warm reception. What do you think, gentle
men ?”
“ The captain was undoubtedly correct in his
reasoning and his opinion was at once acted up
on. Ail of us who held a commission in the
army put on our uniforms and appeared in them
on the upper deck, while some of the hands for
ward were rigged up in mess-jackets, &c., sup
plied by the officers for the purpose, and were
instructed to show themselves at intervals on
the forecastle, multiplying themselves as much
as possible, while a soldier-servant of the ma
jor’s was ordered to do sentry-go with a musket
aft. Moreover, our two twenty-four pounder
carronades wore loaded, each with a round-shot
and a large bag of musket bullets; muskets—
for we had a few—were served out to the men,
with a cutlass apiece, and we who had swords
and sporting-gun’s and pistols made them ready
for use.
“ But all this preparing of arms and unpack
ing of uniforms could not be done without the
knowledge of the ladies of our party, and the
apprehensions of the major’s wife were first
aroused and gradually spread in terrified whis
pers to the whole of the party, until at lasi it
was necessary to take them partially into our
confidence and let them know that there was
“ As night fell, we fancied that tho swell was
somewhat less in bulk, but it might be only
fancy: anyhow, the captain would not hear of
us all keeping watch all night, which was what
we youngsters especially proposed to do.
“ ‘No, gentlemen,’ said he. ‘Go and turn in,
and get what rest you can while you have tho
“ I went below, and turned in at his bidding,
and, wearied with excitement and watching, £
fell asleep—a troubled, unsatisfactory sleep, it
is true, but not the less sleep—and irom this
troubled rest I was aroused by hearing my
name whispered and feeling a gentle touch
upon my arm. I started up, and saw.by the
dim light of a lantern the figure of our old
“ ‘Beg pardon, sir,’ said he; ‘but the cap’n
sent me down to say the brigantine is on the
move, and he’d like you to know.’
“ I jumped up, seized my arms, and hurried
on deck. It was about two in tho morning; the
swell had gone down considerably, though still
very great; the stars were all over the sky. The
captain silently pointed in the direction of the
brigantine. I looked, but at first could see
nothing; then she rose upon the swell, and I
saw her clearly. She was much nearer !
“ ‘But how—how'?’ I asked. ‘There is still no
wind, and ’
“ The captain grasped my arm, to make me
silent, and whispered:
“ ‘Sweeps ! Listen !’
“ Intently I listened, and for some seconds
without result; but, the ship, pausing for one
moment in her tumbling roll, and allowing a
momentary cessation to her creaks and groans,
I heard faintly and mistily, as if in a dream,
the smothered cheep of the sweeps (long oars)
as the unknown vessel strove to work herself
forward by this means.
“ What can they do ?” I whispered.
“Nothing yet, while this roll lasts, except
come closer up and make a nearer inspection of
us. When tho day dawns, we must change our
tactics,” replied the captain. “Go down again;
there is nothing you can do.”
“But I was wrought up to too high a pitch to
go down again; and the captain and I remained
up all the rest of the night until daylight dawn
ed discussing the situation, and racking our
brains for a method of escape.
“ And now the sun sprang up and glorified
the tumbling ocean, whose troubled bosom
was certainly heaving with tar less vehemence
than before; and there, not hajl a mile away
from its, on our larboard quarter, lay the
brigantine, still rolling heavily as we ourselves
did, her row of guns, eight on a side, gleaming
brightly in the morning sun, her bulwarks
thi kly lined with heads, and at her gaff—ad
mitting ot no doubt any longer as to her char
acter—a coal-black flag ! We could see that we
were the object of eager examination by her
crew, and lor their benefit we enacted a’little
pantomime, which tbe captain and I had
planned the night before. No uniforms were
now to be seen upon the deck, but as we knew
that their glasses were upon us, intent on dis
covering our force, those in uniform were in
struceed to appear occasionally at the hatch
ways both fore and alt, as it about to come on
deck, with their arms in their hands, when
they would at once be peremptorily ordered
below by one of the mates—giving those in the
brigantine the idea that we wore full of troops.
“ As the morning passed, it was evident that
the brigantine’s people were puzzled, and hard
ly knew whether to leave us alone or not. All
that day and all that night we lay about half a
mile apart, courtesying to each other as we rose
and fell on the swell, with no incident to cause
us fresh apprehension, save that at night they
again got their sweeps out, and actually swept
her right round us, in order, £ suppose, to keep
us in a state of panic and anxiety.
“Again the day dawned, again the blaze o!
sunlight streamed over the waters. What is it
that is making such a stir in the swarm on
board the brigantine ? Why are they getting
out their sweeps again in such haste ?*Are they
going at last to attack us ? Are they ? But
no ! their stern is toward us. They are moving
in the opposite direction I Is help coming to
us ? Are they moving off in fear ? Our captain
rushed up into the maintop with his glass, and
even before he had reached that bight, the shout
of ‘ A sail 1’ came from his lips and his finger
pointed over our larboard quarter. Eagerly we
strained our eyes in that direction, and far
away, hull down beneath the horizon, in the
very quarter to which the brigantine was steer
ing, wo saw the gleam of white which betokened
the presence ot a large vessel under sail.
“ ‘ A large merchantman, homeward-bound, I
should say,’ the captain shouted from the top.
‘ That villain must have been waiting for her
when he fell in with us. Let us hope she will
get away Irom him. She seems to have a breeze,
at any rate.’
‘ What a relief it was to see that swarm of
miscreants moving off by their own exertions !
How we followed them with our eyes and glass
es as hour after hour their sweeps rose and fell
upon tho now subsiding surface of the sea. By
and-by, her sails seemed to fill, she heeled
slightly to one side; her sweeps were no longer
to be seen—she had a breeze.
“Shortly after this, an exclamation from our
skipper attracted my attention. ‘ I thought so,’
he said ; ‘ there are two of them !’ and as we
looked, just clear of the merchantman on tho
other side we saw a suspicious-looking schoon
er. The brigantine at once hoisted a signal
and fired a gun, as we could see by the white
smoke, and then the two evidently converged
upon tho great merchantman. She, too, saw
them, that was evident, for she piled up canvas
upon canvas, to woo tho too sluggish' breeze.
Now tho foe were nearing her, and all disguise
was evidently thrown aside, lor puff after puff
ot white smoke darted from their sides, re
sponded to, we were glad to see, by puffs at
longer intervals from hers; and faintly on the
nearing breeze we caught the sound of tbe ex
plosions. But closer still and closer crept the
foe, and every eye was strained upon the des
perate fight, and all minds intent on that alone.
when ‘ All hands make sail!’ shouted tho cap
tain ; ‘ here is the breeze right on top of us !’
and sure enough there it was, coming down
crisp and fresh almost before wo were ready for
it. Quickly our good fellowsjcovered the good
ship with a cloud of canvas ; and as she felt the
gentle power of tho young breeze and heeled
over to it, and the bubbles began swiftly to
course astern, a terrible load fell from our
hearts, and we felt that we were saved.”
The colonel paused a moment, his eye fixed
on vacancy, as if he saw himself once more upon
tho dock of the “Allred.”
“And what became of the merchantman?” I
asked, when silonco had lasted for some mo
“ Don’t ask me—don’t ask mo I” he replied in
agitated tones. “Poor souls! murdered—
every one of them—and the ohip scuttled.”
“ And was no vengeance exacted for so terri
ble a crime ?”
“Before an hour had passed after our arrival,
a thirty-six gun frigate had sailed on our infor
mation to capture or destroy those miserable
villains wheresoever they might find them; but
vessels such as those may go where no great
war-ship can follow them, and tho intricate pas
sages and keys of the West Indies were better
known to such outcasts of land and sea than to
His Majesty's officers.”
“And they escaped?”
“ Within a month from tho time of our en
counter, those vessels were caught in a furious
West Indian Tornado, were dismasted, and, af
ter tossing about for days at the mercy of tho
storm, were wrecked on one of tho islands,
where most of their crew miserably perished in
their efforts to swim through the surf. Their
leader, however, and one or two more, man
aged to reach the shore alive, where the natives
had come down to render what help they could;
but being immediately recognized, they were
seized and hanged without mercy on the nearest
troo. There, madam, that is one of the experi
ences of a subaltern in the old days, and you
will agree with mo in thinking it by no means a
pleasant one.”
“I do indeed,” replied I. “ But did you ever
hear the name of tho man who commanded
those two vessels ?”
“ His name ! Yes, of course. I need to know
his name well enough once; but my memory is
getting weak. What on earth now was that
scoundrel’s name ? Gossett—Gaston—Gaspard.
Yes, that’s it—l think his name was Gaspard, as
far as I can recollect: but I won t be certain.
Gaspard—yes, that's the name, I believe.”
The Good Result of Paying Extra At
tention to the Study of Rhetoric.
(From the Arkansaw Traveller.)
Gon. Meckleham, in imitation of greater men,
decided upon wr.ting a series of war articles,
“ Why shouldn’t I, Mary ?” he asked of his wife,
who belongs to a literary society, and who is
considered an excellent critic. “ I should just
like to know why I ought not to give my experi
ence ? 1 went through the war and served with
distinction, if Ido say it myself. Another thing
in my favor is that I know how to write. I un
derstand the construction of sentences. I un
derstand tho use of vigorous English. What do
you say, Mary ?”
“ Wily, by all means write your experience. I
do not see why you should keep back anything
that might prove of interest to the public, and
result in profit to yourself.”
“That’s it, Mary; that’s it. You have hit the
nail squarely on the head. While I was at col
lege the students used to laugh at me for con
tinuing to devote so much attention to rhetoric.
It will all come in handy now, you see. Well, I
shall go to work at once.”
The next evening, when the lamp had been
lighted, the general said:
“ Mary, are you ready to hear my war paper ?”
“ Yes.”
Ho read it to her.
“ What do you think of it ?”
“ It is good.”
“Don't you think it’s first-class?”
“ Yes, I do.”
“1 have never said much about it, Mary, but
lam a writer. Many a time while visiting news
paper offices, 1 have said to myself, ‘ Ab, well,
you fellows think that you are great writers,
’but you haven’t learned your first lesson.’ So
you think its first-class, eh ? Now, I shall wad
it up and send it to a magazine. I ought to get
at least SIOO for it.”
“ You are going to copy it, are you not?”
“ Oh, no, not necessary. It's as plain as
“I didn’t know but you might want to make
a few corrections. Let me see the manuscript a
minute. Listen to this paragraph : ‘ General
Beauregard, seeing that the left wing was weak
ening, determined to reinforce them.’ Don’t
you think that you should say ‘ it’ instead of
them ?”
“ Why ? Refers to the soldiers.”
“ No,"it means wing, which should be ‘ it.’ ”
“ Well, go on, go on.”
“‘The general at one time,’ contffiued the
woman, finding another objectionable para
graph, ‘ was much moved to see a soldier drag
ging a gun with a broken log.’ ”
“ What’s wrong with that ? It’s a fact, for I
saw it myself.”
“ Yes, but how did ho drag a gun with a
broken leg?”
“Confound it, don't you see? The fellow’s
leg was broken; but so determined was he, that
he still stuck to his gun.”
“ But he didn’t drag it with his broken leg ?”
“ Hang it, the fellow’s leg was broken ”
“ 1 understand that.”
“ Well, then. Leg was broken; but unwilling
to retire from the field, he crawled along, drag
ging his gun.”
“ With his broken leg ?”
“ Mary, haven’t you got any sense at a'l?”
The statement is as plain as’daylight. When
you strike a woman on military matters, dad
blame it, she can’t see two inches.”
“ I understand it well enough. The man was
dragging his gun with his broken leg, which, I
should think, would differ very little from drag
ging his broken gun with his leg.”
The general wheeled around in his chair,
shoved both hands into his pockets, and in a
calm voice, slightly trembling on the bosom of a
struggle, said:
“ When I married, I thought that my wife
was a sensible woman. 1 thought that she was
a woman of literary taste. Ah, Lord, Mary,
your blamed blindness has confused me. Read
the paragraph again.”
“ ‘ The general at one time was much moved
to see a soldier dragging a gun with a broken
leg.’ Ah, I see,” she exclaimed.
“ I am glad you do, Mary.”
“ The soldier was dragging a gun with a
broken leg—the gun's leg was broken.”
“ Gimme that paper !” he exclaimed.
“ I’ll be eternally burned if I allow any one
to—Mary lam ashamed of you. Go on away
and leave mo alone. To suddenly discover
such ignorance totally crushes me. Do you
think that a gun has legs and arms like a man ?
Do you for a minute suppose—go on away, I
toll you.”
“ You mean that a soldier with a broken leg
was dragging his gun don’t you ?”
“ Hah ? ’
She repeated the remark.
The General took the manuscript, folded
it with mock precision and put it in the stove.
“ Why do you burn it, dear ?”
“ Oh, I was afraid that it might break one of
its legs. I reckon it’s safe enough, now. The
noxt time you ask me to write anything, I ll do
it. Oh, yes, I’ll seize a broken-log pen, and
write the life out of it. A prophet is not with
out honor, and so on. You have beaten me out
of SIOO in cash, and I hope you are satisfied.”
tha Streets.
How “Lubin’s” Extracts aro Sold at
Retail for Ten Cents.
(From the Philadelphia Times.)
“ Here y* are ! Pick ’em out, gents. Lubin’s
extracts—all kinds—only ten cents a bottle—
cheap as dirt.”
This was half shouted, half sung, over and
over again by a young man with a hard face
and spring-bottom trousers, who stood by a
push-cart full of bottles on Fourth street, above
Walnut, yesterday. Over the cart, on a paste
board sign, was tho following legend: “From
Sheriff’s Sale. Lubin’s, Phalon’s and Hinman’s
Perfumes. Ten cents per bottle; worth 25 cents
to sl.” Upon examination, the bottles of ex
tracts were discovered to be apparently genu
ine. Lubin's peculiar shield-shape "labels,
printed in violet-colored inks, were on many of
the little vials. Some were double size, and
tea rose, white rose, patchouli, jockey club, Co
logne water, wood violet, and the names of oth
er lieriumes were written on them.
“Is that genuine ? ’ a purchaser asked, pick
ing up a bottle marked “Lubins Double Ex
tract Tea Rose.”
“ Yes, sir,” said the vender, pocketing tho
The purchaser immediately tore off the little
piece of kid tied around tho cork, and the hard
faced youth looked on anxiously. Then the
purchaser placed the bottle to his nose and
took a good whiff. The yellow stuff in the bot
tle smelled like a cheap barber shop. Evident
ly Monsieur Lubin had run out of tea roses.
“ That isn’t Lubin’s tea rose,” said the pur
“ Well, yer have to take yer chances. The
label’s there, and I don’t know nothin’ more
about it. I don’t guarantee nothin’.”
“ Where do you get this stuff ?” was asked.
“ You’ve got a heap of impudence to ask me
that. D’yer s’pose I’m goin’ to give the snap
away ?”
Just then a new-comer appeared.
“ Are you the same mai/that was selling this
stuff on Chestnut street the other day ?” he
“ I guess so,” was the reply; “there’s a half a
dozen of us out with it.”
“ Well, it's a swindle. I bought six different
kinds of perfumes, and they were all aliko.
They all smelled like cheap hair oil. You ought
to bo locked up.”
When the reporter came away, after purchas
ing a bottle ol “ tea rose,” Lubin's agent was
singing the same old song and gulling fresh
victims. A prominent druggist was shown the
stuff, and eaid:
“ That's citronella. They take oil of citron
ella and oil of lemon and cut them wifh a little
alcohol. Then it is thrown on carbonate of
magnesia, filtered and diluted with water. A
large bottle like the one you e would cost
about one cent for the ‘extract’ and three cents
for the bottle. The label is counterfeit; Lu
bin’s labels are printed in red. You can al
ways tell a genuine Lubin by tearing the .uwer
part of the label offi There is an initial blow
into tho bottle under this part of the label. Tho
genuine Lubin extracts cost retailers $6.50 a
dozen for the smallest size.”
Tho following letter comes from a girl at
Montague, Mich.:
“ I have been interested in your talks with
boys and wondered if you would not include
the girls sometimes.
“ 1 have a taste and a natural gilt for draw
ing, a sample of which I inclose. This was done
in a very few minutes. Thinking I might turn
this to some account, I venture to ask your
advice, which will be very gratefully received.
L. E. M.”
Tho sample referred to is really a neat piece
ot work, and proves a natural gift, as you claim,
lor drawing. If you will cultivate this gift there
is a fine field open to you. Very many of the
illustrations in Wide Awake are designed by
female artists, and there are other publications
in which they are prominent as designers. Ono
who can sketch and design is always in demand
at a good salary. Don’t bo afraid to acknowl
edge to yourself that you need instruction in
certain points, and then arrange to receive it.
A tow lessons by a master will help you amaz
This inquiry comes from Providence, R. I.:
“ How much would a boy receive per week
as an apprentice in type-setting ? How much
as an apprentice to a jeweler ? F. W. B.”
A watchmaker’s (jeweler's) apprentice must
bind himself to servo lor four years. Don’t
take up the trade unless you feel that it is the
one you were born for, because you must have
a true eye, a deft hand and a large stock of
patience and perseverance. An apprentice re -
ceives from $1 to $2 per week the first year,
furnishing his own board. The wages for tbe
second year are irom S 3 to $4, and at the end of
the fourth year he must be a fine workman to
receive S2O per week.
If you desire to learn typesetting you should
enter an office where you can learn to be a
thorough printer. In the offices of tho big
dailies the trade is divided up. The typeset
ters learn only that. Another class learn only
job work. Another class feed tho press, and
another class superintend the feeders. Few of
them aro thorough, all-round printers, and one
class cannot do the work of another. In a daily in
small town thorn are fewer classes, and on a
weekly the compositor can learn job and press
work>as well. You would have to servo lor
three years in any event, and the first year’s
salary would be from $2 to $3 per week. ”In a
city you would board yourself at these figures,
but in a town you would probably find a home
with the publisher.
AV. C. Mackamer, of Sebatha, Kan., writes:
“ Knowing that you receive letters from boys
ail over the country, I want to ask you a favor.
I want tho address of a good, honest boy, be
tween the age of eighteen and twenty-two who
has a cash capital of about $l5O. I want him to
go into business with mo as a partner. I know
of a good opening for the right kind of a boy.”
The following letter is irom a boy at Melvin,
“I have been reading your ‘Talks With the
Boys,’ and take great interest in them. I am
going to school now. My father is a blacksmith,
but I have no desire to learn his trade. A
phrenologist said I would make a good news
paper man. What do you think about tbe busi
ness? How long would I have to serve before I
could become an editor, and how long before £
could get wages, and what would they be ?
“ J. R.”
The answer to “F. W. B.” is a reply to most
of your queries. How a phrenologist should
know that you would make a good newspaper
man is a matter you had better ponder over a
little. For all he knew about it, he might have
said you you would make a good poet, or artist,
or orator.
If your father is a good blacksmith, he is earn
ing betrer wages than many editors, and proba
bly working no harder.
This letter is from a lad in Glasgow, Scot
land :
“I have friends in America who are doing
well, and they advise mo to come to tho States
and begin life for myself. lam twenty years of
age, and know all about farm work as we man
age here. Do you think I would get along in
your country ? Is your farm work so very dif
ferent from ours ? Is an honest, hard-working
boy certain to get along ? D. McD.”
There is no reason why you shouldn’t get
hero. Indeed, if you don’t, you will be
tho first Scotch lad who has made a failure of it.
Our agriculture differs from yours, but this will
be to your advantage. If you hire out to an
American farmer, he will lay out your work for
you. You will find a different soil and climate,
different tools and implements, and a very dif
ferent way ot living, but a year will familiarize
you with everything.
The routine of American farm life has plenty
of hard work in it. In Summer you will be out
before sun-up. If two or three cows are kept
you will do all the milking. If five or six are
kept you will assist. You will feed the working
stock, take care of the pigs, and after breakfast
go to the plow or other work. You will bo ex
pected to work in the field until sundown, and
then milk and do other chores after supper. In
Winter you will not be out as early, and there
will be no field-work. In place of it you may
split rails, chop wood, mend fences and do odd
jobs. The pay is fair, the living good, and you
will not be without friends. The chances aro
that before you are 25 years of age you will have
land of your own, as this is a country where an
honest, hard-working man is certain to get
A young man in Toronto makes the following
“Ab I am only 18 years old I think I come
under the head of your ‘ Talks With the Boys.’
I am stout and hearty, with no chance to learn
a trade, and I have an idea of going into the
lumber woods of Michigan. At what time a
year do they engage hands? What is the pay,
and how do the loggers live ? Can you think of
anything bettor for me to do? 8. P. J.”
Lumbermen start for the woods in November.
After your first day in a lumber camp you will
doubtless be willing to affirm that it is the hard
est work every laid out for a boy of your mus
The pay runs from $lO to $25 per month and
board. The provisions consist of salt beef and
pork, beans, potatoes, bread, coffee, molasses,
etc. The mon eat together and sleep in rough
bunks ina big “shanty.” The work is from
daylight till dark, and it consists of chopping,
teaming, loading, skidding, and other work, re
quiring strong arms and stout backs.
A lumber camp is the last place you should
start for. The men are, many of them, rough
and wicked. Th®y are far removed from all
moral restraint, and have but little care for
backwoods law. The evenings are spent in
card-playing, drinking, smoking, and wrang
Is there anything better for you to do ? Yes,
a thousand times better ! If there is no open
ing for you to learn a trade in Toronto pack up
your clothes and set out for some other field.
If you have to tramp a thousand miles, and go
hungry half the time, keep going until you find
an opening. As a mechanic you may come up
a respectable and respected man, able to earn
a fajr support for a family. As a lumberman
you will be a loafer in the Summer and a dog
in Winter. You will have neither home nor
moral inlinences. You will be cast among a
bad lot, and in time bo as bad as any of tho
At your age a boy cannot afford to make a
mistake. Give up all thoughts of the lumber
camps and start out to find the trade you are
fitted for. It you are rebuffed by one man, try
another. There’s a place waiting for you some
A Monse who had been caught in a Trap Ap
pealed to the Owner of the House to spare his
Life, adding:
“ Really, it can make no Difference to you
whether there is one Mouse more or loss in this
great World.”
“ While that is good Sophistry,” replied the
Man, “it is also a Dangerous Argument. It is
one Vice added to Another that makes a Man a
Dangerous Criminal.”
The “ one more ” drink has made a hundred
thousand drunkards.
A Parrot who was walking out for tho benefit
ot his Rheumatics Encountered' an Owl and at
once asked for his Opinion on the Eastern
The Owl Winked a few times, but made no
“ Well, what about Capital vs. Labor?” said
the Parrot.
»No answer.
“Say, what about Free Trade vs. Protec
No answer.
“ How do yon stand on National Finances ?”
No answer.
“ Humph !” yelled the Parrot, “ but you are
a Fraud ! The World calls you Wise, but I’d
like to know where it comes in !”
“ Wisdom, my Friend,” said the Lame Crow
who was resting on the fence near by, “ may
consist in having the Sense not to expose your
own Ignorance.”
A heap of blab doos not always pan out a very
little sense.
How Holland Can Defend Herself.
—The water-ways of Holland are utilized for
the defense of tho country alter a fashion pecu
liarly characteristic of Dutch ingenuity. In
time of danger, by opening certain dams and
barriers and flooding various lands, Holland
can surround herself by a water line of sixty
miles in length, and from five to ten miles wide,
effectually blocking all advance from Germany
on the east. A few narrow roads, guarded by
fortifications, will intersect the inundations,
which, though kept shallow to avoid hostile ves
sels approaching, will conceal numerous deep
trenches to prevent the enemy from wading
through the stream. In Winter, when the waters
freeze, the depth of the inundations will be in
creased, and after the surface has frozen the
waters below will be drained off, leaving a thin
’’ce crust ready to give way under the weight of
. ops and plunge them into the trenches below
It Will Be a Titantio Contest if the Two
Nations Reach War.
(From the Boston Transcript.)
Should England and Russia go to war it
would be a contest of Titans. Russia would
put in the field a vast horde of armed men, to
which England and India would oppose armies
scarcely less formidable. The Russian army on
a peace footing consists of 770,000 officers and
men, and on a war footing, when battalions, ac
tive and reserve, are raised to their full
strength, 2,200,000. These figures are, ot
course, on paper, but the effective strength for
service in tho field and in garrison probably
would not be far below them. The Russian
navy includes an ironclad fleet of 40 vessels, of
which 33 are in the Baltic, and 7 in tho Black
Sea. The total strength of the navy is 358 ves
sels carrying 671 guns.
The total effective strength of the British
army at the close of the year ending the 31st
inst., was estimated, exclusive of troops in
India, and including reserves, militia, and
yeomanry, at 583,000 officers and mon. The
British regulars carried on the Indian estab
lishment numbered about 63,000. In addition
to those is the native Indian army in British
pay, aggregating about 190,000 officers and
men. A. third force is made up of the armies
of the feudatory or independent States of India.
The princes ot tho Hindoo States have under
their banners 275,000 mon, with about 9,400
guns, while the Mahammedan States keep up a
force of abount 75,000 mon, with 865 guns.
These native armies are available for the pur
pose of England, which, by varying means,
keeps control of the native rulers, who, enjoy
ing tho shadow, are never reminded that the
substance of independence is no longer theirs.
The fighting sea going force of the Brit'sh
navy is made up of 283 vessels, of which sixty
two are armored ships. These latter are divid
ed into five classes. Tho antiquated, rigged,
light-armored cruising ships are now relegated
to the filth class, and probably in active war
fare would count for little. The first and sec
ond classes of ironclads include such vessels as
tho “Devastation,” “ Agememnon,” “Thunder
er” and “ Colossus,” immense floating armored
fortresses. To man the British navy and the
auxiliary transport service requires 57,000 of
ficers, seamen and marines. Estimating the
officers and crews of the Russian fleets at 30,-
000, it will be seen that the contending powers
would, when fairly warmed up to the contest,
have mon under arms by millions.
Taking into account the British militia and
volunteers, tbe yeomanry and reserves, together
with the British Indian and native troops, and
adding to these sailors and marines, it will be
seen that Great Britain would have on board
ship, in the field and in,garrison nearly 1,250,-
000 men to oppose to Russia’s 2,230,000. These
figures of course would be reduced by the wear
and tear of service, but not enough to deprive
the contest ot its Titanic character. A war
which was raging at the same time on the
Baltic and in the Indian Ocean, in Europe and
Afghanistan, would shake the world with the
reverberation of its cannon.
A. Car-Load of Tar Chewing Gum for
Young Ladies’ Seminaries.
(From the Erie, Pa., Dispatch.)
ft There’s a car-load of solid comfort for the
young ladies,” said a gentleman to a Dispatch
reporter, pointing to a car standing on the Al
legheny Railroad. “ Now, there’s twenty-five
barrels of chewing gum there,” he continued.
“You may not know it, but it is a fact that
nearly all of the chewing gum consumed in the
United States and Vassar College comes from
“ Of what is this maidenly solace composed ?”
asked the newspaper man.
“ Why, it’s made from tar, and the worst of
tar. The Standard Oil Company is a big thing
on wheels when you talk about oil, but it is just
as big relatively speaking when you get into the
province of chewing gum. You see they control
nearly all the refineries, and it is from them
that the gum is evolved, so to speak. The re
fineries take the residum from the crude oil
after the refined article has been made and
work it in an agitator, producing a certain grade
of paraffine, a wax-like substance. This is sent to
two firms located in Boston and New York, who
put it through another refining process and
then scent the stuff, cut it into small pieces and
then retail dealers take hold of it and make
thousands of giddy girls happy with ‘ some
thin’ to chaw.’ The wax, as loaded on the cars,
is worth seventeen cents a pound, but when put
through the second refining process its cost
is thirty cents a pound. I suppose a pound of
refined paraffine will suffice for the making of
500 pjeces of chewing gum; so the profit in the
business is apparent when you recollect that it
retails for 1 and 2 cents a stick.”
“How much of the wax is shipped from Pitts
burg weekly ?” asked the reporter.
“Well, about fifty barrels per week. Some of
it is used for finishing up insulated telegraph
and telephone wires; some for making fancy
candles ; but the best grades aro used for mak
ing chewing gum. In fact, it can be safely com
puted that twenty-five barrels of this wax are
weekly shipped from Pittsburg to be worked up
into chewing gum. It is not a very attractive
looking substance when it has gone through the
first refining process, but, after it has been re
agitated, it comes out a beautiful pearl white in
color and is aba lutely tasteless. The making
of paraffine is one ot the green spots in the des
ert of refining just now. considering the condi
tion of the oil trade. It is only within the past
few years that the secondary refining process
has been accomplished in this country. The w r ax
was sent to Scotland and then shipped back to
this country. The two firms mentioned in Now
York and Boston are now making a good thing
out of the business.”
eusbanFani) wife.
“ That’s him. Yer Honor, that’s him.
He’s the murtherinist divil that iver left Oire
iand aloive,” shrieked a little woman who wore
a prodigious bonnet and who led a little child
by the hand, as Patrick Ginley, a hard-looking
customer, was hauled up in the police court for
abusing his family.
“Judge, yer Honer, he has the loifeharrished
out av me an’ dhe childer,” continued the little.
w r oman,who was Mrs. Ginley. “ He’s continual
ly batin’ me, dhe big soon av a goon.”
“ Hould on, owld leddy,” chipped in Patrick.
“ Who, plase tell the Judge, gev me a skelp on
the head wid a skillet ? Who was et that stroock
me on the small av the back wid a dray-pin ?
Who gev me this foine black oi I have an me ?
Who was it, ye howly terror ? Out wid it.”
“ Let me have a word to say, please,” inter
rupted His Honor, “ what have you to say to
beating your wife ?”
“ In self-delense I did it Joodge, in self
“ Yon overgrown ruffian, a little woman like
that,” indignantly said the Judge.
“ Wor you iver married to this leddy?” in
quired Pat.
“ No, sir, I was not,” confusedly replied His
Honor, as he blushed.
“ Wull, don’t have so much gab about it. I
have bin married to that she divil .”
“ Fifty dollars and thirty days,” here broke
in His Honor.
“ All right, Misses Ginley, ef I doi in the
Work House my ghost wull bant you, so it
wull,” savagely muttered Pat, as he prepared
for his slide down the chute.
“ Go on wid you,” replied Mrs. Ginley, now
a grass widow, “if I catch your or enny other
man’s ghost, monkeyin’ around me house I’ll
gev it what I gev you. Good-boi, Pat., an’ be a
gud mon till I see you again.”
But Pat. was in his cage below.
(From the Butler, Penn., Citizen.)
A daughter of Joseph Renner some time ago
took suddenly ill with colic, and wont into
spasms. Shortly afterward the girl, to all ap
pearances, died.
The heart had ceased to beat, tho pulse was
extinct, and respiration had ceased. It was
noticed, however, in two or three hours after
the child died, that the skin didn’t take on that
peculiar pallor noticeable on most dead people.
The child looked as though she were sleeping.
Later on, when the doctor called, he pronounced
her dead, after a careful examination, but told
tho parents, in order to be on the safe side, it
would be well enough to defer the interment as
long as possible. The body was kept for two
days, and during that time the skin retained its
natural color, but no other signs of vitality were
Some one went into the room where the child
was lying, and, after looking at the corpse for a
moment, put his finger on the pulse, and was
surprised to feel a feeble fluttering, lie thought
he might have been mistaken and felt again.
The pulse beat very slowly, but it indicated that
life was there, and means were at once used to
fan the vital spark into a flame. The doctor
was again called and restoratives applied. Al
though respiration returned and tho action of
the heart increased, yet consciousness did not
return to the girl, and all efforts to restore her
were fruitless.
She remained in this state of torpidity for
twenty-six days. On the evening of the twenty
sixth day she opened her eyes and feebly asked
for a drink of water. From that time onshe rap
idly gained strength, and is now able to go
about. From the time she took sick until she
regained consciousness was twenty-eight days,
and during that time nothing went into her
“Them English are havin’ a right smart of a
time over there in Africa, ain’t they ?” remarked
an old farmer up in Michigan.
“ Yes, indeed.”
“ I’ve been a-watchin’ of ’em all Winter, and
d’ye know what their campaign reminds me of ?
No ! Wall, sir, I used to have a big Berkshire
shoat what had the durndest appetite ever you
hoard tell on. The little shoats had to git out
of his way every time. I put him in a lot all by
hisself, and there was plenty of feed and wal
low there for him, more n he oould ever use,
but dam me if he would stay there. Down wont
that fence and away went that shoat into field's
where he had no business to bo. Wall, ho kept
that up all Summer, but bimeby ho broke into
a little patch o’ timber, an ? got to foolin’ round.
What dye s’pose he stirred up ? Wall, by gosh,
he run right into a hornet’s nest. It took him a
long time to git out o’ them woods, but when he
got out he was the most subdued shoat you
ever seed I”
This bachelor will have considerable trouble
in deciding
My wife shall be handsome, tall, straight, perpen
With a very nice name, for I’m rather particular.
Amanda, Belinda, Corinna, Christine,
Diana, Eugenia, Flora,
Georgina, Helena, Jemima, Kathleen,
Louisa, Maria, or Norah,
Isabella, lanthe, Ismena, Jessonda,
Would each win your smiles if you’d let her;
And Isoline, who in the twilight would rove,
Might steal away hearts from Janetta.
Marina Is found by the side of the sea,
With gay ones and grave in the season;
Myrtilla resorts to the flowerprankt lea,
Preferring repose, and with reason.
Miranda’s magnetic, and pleasura imparts
By high, refined airs and sweet graces;
Monimia studios pictorial arts,
And makes, of her own, pretty faces.
Olivia, Priscilla, Quintillia, Rose,
Susannah, Theresa, Theodora,
Urania, Undina, should not want for beaux,
Nor Vesta for youths to adore her;
Veuetia's as stately a girl as you’ve seen,
Valeria is natty and neat,
Victoria you know for a powerful queen.
And Violet always is sweet.
Wilhelmina’s at home in a garden or grove,
Valentina’s the girl for a ball;
Yacintha’s a name for the largest of love,
And Zenobla can nowhere be small.
Ximena charms classical students—a fow—
Xantippe s renowned for a scold;
Zephyrina will shine in a light pas de deux,
And Zillah's a shade, perhaps, too cold.
If unable to choose a nice name from all these,
I should say you are not at all easy to please.
lie was bound if the law wouldn’t protect
“ Captain, I like to shpoke a fow words to you,”
he said, as he called at the station yesterday.
“ Well ?” -
“If some stranger comes into my place und
drinks a glass of peer und doan’ pay mo, can I hit
him mit a glub ?”
•• It you do he can have you arrested for assault
and battery.”
“ Vhell I vhell! Can I take him py der collar und
shako him a few times ?”
“That is the same thing.”
“ How vhis it if I git him some kicks ?”
“Same thing. If you lay hands on him he can
have you arrested.”
" You doan’ say ! Can I call him names ?”
“ That comes under the head of assault, and per
haps ho might bring an action for slander.”
“ Vhell, py gracious 1 Doan’ I haf some law at
all ?”
“ You can sue him for the debt.”
“Humph! Captain, I like to toll you some
thing I”
“ Go ahead.”
“If some doadt-beat comes into my blace und
drinks my peer I shmiles on him. I tells him it
vhas a fine day. I ask him to call again und I make
it pleasant for him. Dot vhas a signal to my son
Shake, who goes oudt py der alley und waits for
him. If something takes place oudt dcre I vhas
innocent. If somepody vhas found mit his pack
proke dot vhasu't me. I vhas in der saloon all der
time, und if Shake vhas gone oudt I doan’ see him I
Good-py, captain I If some law doan’ protect me I
look oudt for myself! I vhas a shmiler, und my
son Shake doan’ hurt a fly !”
Feminine Boston is attending this season what
must be very useful and entertaining lectures,
which are called
If a girl slip down and sprain her ankle, instead
of being obliged to wait till some man picks her up
and sends her home in a cab, she quietly takes off
her shoe and stocking, tucks her skirts to one side,
and performs the necessary surgical operation on
the spot.
If she feels faint at a ball, instead of looking
around for a man to whom she has been introduced,
and into whose arms she can without immodesty
fall, she quietly sits down on the nearest chair,
sends her escort for a few simple remedies, and
applies them herself.
Suppose during these beautiful snowy days she is
run away with—run away with by a horse, I mean.
While the horse is tearing along looking for a con
venient lamp-post to use in breading the sleigh, the
Boston girl, with the coolness of Galen and the quiet
dignity of Hippocrates, selects from her bag some
liniment, one or two splints, and a number of strips
of linen, and when at last she is thrown across the
horse’s back against the side of a house, instead of
screaming or fainting, she applies the liniment
ready in her hand, bandages up the fractures, and
‘Walks quietly home to send one of the grooms for
her horse.
I believe later in the season some of the lectures
are to be purely practical, and we shall be told how
to smile upon a mosquito so that he will refuse to
molest us, or how to frown upon a wasp so that the
wasp will drop dead with fright, or how to convince
one’s self at a moment’s notice that a mouse is more
timid than a 160 pound girl, and quite unable to
scale a dress, either on the inside or out, unless
helped by a ladder.
You 8(36 there is no nonsense about these lectures;
the girls are honestly benefited by them, and they
are becoming more and more popular.— Louisville
Courier Journal.
The skating rinks have produced
I’m monarch of all I survey,
My right there is none to dispute—
Skatorial artist aufait,
In my plum-colored velveteen suit,
The darlings they cannot escape
The glance of my all-searching eye;
The creatures are struck on my shape,
Their fingers I squeeze on the sly.
No longer the man who has brains
Can overwhelm me with defeat;
Poor fool! for the sake of his pains
He’s crowded upon a back seat.
At polo I’m very distingue,
As “ Rusher” I’m not very lame;
I love to jump into the ring
And capture the girls as my game.
A sweet little daisy in blue
Hangs on to my arm every night,
While her mamma, with motherly view.
Enraptured, looks upon the sight.
Ha! ha! they all think I’m meek.
And haven't a brain in my head;
Inside of a very short week
The lass of a plumber I’ll wed.
At books I am not very tall,
But I skate the Dutch roll very neat;
At the roller rink I have the call,
For all my charm’s in my feet.
Tra la la I I must bid you adieu.
My charmer is waiting to whirl—
The sweet little daisy in blue,
The plumber’s chic heiress, a pearl.
No ono will deny but that this was
“ I tell you what it is,” said Tom Hardup to his
friend Binks, “it has come to this. I must have a
new suit of clothes. See how seedy lam getting !
Now, my boy, I have hit upon a plan that I think
cannot fail to answer.”
• What is it?” said Binks, looking somewhat
askance at poor Tom.
“Well, it is simply this: You’ve got a twenty
dollar piece in your pocket, I know. Now, just
lend it to me for ten minutes. I intend to go to
's place, where I used to have credit, but, con
found it, I look such a wreck now, I don’t like to
ask it. A few minutes after I enter the store you
stroll in and say, * Hello, Tom, old chap, can you
let me have twenty dollars for a day or two?’ I’ll
say, • Certainly,’aud hand you over the coin you
lend me. That little transaction will at once sub
stantiate my credit, aud I shall be able to arrange
matters satisfactorily with the tailor.”
Binks was a cautious man, but he could see no
harm or risk in thus helping his impecunious friend
along. Accordingly Tom went into the tailor s
shop and was busily engaged selecting some mate
rial, when Binks sauntered in.
“ Hello, Tom !” said Binks in a loud tone, “you’re
just the man I’ve been looking for. Can you loan
me twenty dollars for a week or so ?”
Tom turned from the cloth and replied:
“ Awfully sorry, old boy, but pon my word I have
not more than a dollar or so about me.”
Binks’s face grew visibly longer. He winked at
and nudged Tom, whispering;
“ Confound it, man, hand over the coin.”
But Tom was obdurate.
At last Binks grew tired of the game, and stood
out on the street to wait for Tom. Tom, however,
went out of a side door. There will be war when
these two meet again.
The Arkansaw Traveller relates
•'Now, the best thing you can do.” said the Judge
to an old negro who had applied for a divorce, •* is
to go home and behave yourself.”
“ Yas, sab.”
“Ido not see why you should not get along all
•‘Yas, sah.
“ We all have to make sacrifices.”
“Yas, sab, so I heah ’em say, but mighty few men
has ter put up with sech er wife ez I’se got. I ken
stan’ the common run o’ wimmen, but dat pussen,
jedge, is rank pizen. W’y, sir, ef she was er sleep
and was ter dream dat 1 was enjoyin’ myself, she’d
wake herself up an’ seo dat de enjoyment was
stopped right dar. She like to die some time er go.
Wuz mighty in hopes dat I was gwia to lose her,
but when she found dat I wuz pleased, blame ef
she didn’t turn ober an’ git well. She’s a bad wo
man, sah.”
As Shakespeare says, O He was a man, take
him lor all in all
“Lemme see—you knowed the captain, didn’t
you ?”
“Oh, yes, knew h'm well.”
“ Well, now, wasn t he a man as could stand up
under trouble eq’al to anybody you eber seed ?”
“I don't know. Don’t remember that I ever saw
him in any very trying difficulty, though.”.
“Well, I have, an’the howlin’est kind o’'grief
never seemed to faze him.”
“ Indeed 1”
“Yes, sir; he could bear up wonderful, Why,
when he came home from his third wife’s funeral,
instead of snortin’ around the house an’ spilin’ his
hair an’ makin’ his eyes red, as you or me’d a done,
he jest sot hisself down an’says to the hired gal,
says he: ‘Mary Ann, is there any cold meat in the
house?’ ”
Speaking of spreading ono’s-self, the
skating rink seems to be the place of all others to
do it successfully.
An Irish magistrate asked a prisoner
if he was married. “No,” replied the man. “Then,”
replied his lordship, amid peals of laughter, “it is
a good thing for your wife.”
The “course of true love,” framed by
letters in a breach of promise suit, read in this man
ner: “Dear Mr. Smith,” “My dear John, “My dar
ling John,” “My own darling Jack,” “My darling
Jo' n.” “Dear John,” “Dear Sxr,” “Sir,” and all was
“ How dare you, sir, go about calling
yourself my brother-in-law?” “I didn’t. I said 1
wasn’t your brother-in-law exactly.” “What do
you moan, sir? You are not my brother-in-law at
all. You never married my sister.” “No; but I
wanted to do so.”
Kentuckian (at a hotel table): “What'3
in that air bowl, waiter?” Walter (placing a finger
bowl at his plate): “ Water, sir.” “ Well, you kin
take it away and bring me a little bourbon. I've
hed a good dinner, and I wouldn’t like to spile it
driakin’ water.”
The Kansas City Journal rakes up an
old war story. “What regiment do you belong to ?’*
asked a Union picket of a rebel picket. “The Four
teenth North Carolina. And yours, Yank ?” “Ths
114th Rhode Island.” “You are a liar; there aren't
that many people in the State,” returned the
“Ah, yes,” said al, old fellow. “When
I was a young man like von I admired a pretty gir!
as much as any one, and, if I do say it, was very pop
ular with the young ladies; but accumulating years
and a wife and family have taught me ” Hero
h. hesitated. “Well, what have accumulating years
and a wife and family taught you ?” “Caution, my
boy; caution.”
“ Captain,” said a grocery keeper,' ad
dressing a well known gentleman, “ do you remem
ber that sack of flour you ordered some time ago ?’•
“ Oh, yes, I remember it.” “I suppose so, but I
don’t remember that you ever paid for it.” “My
dear sir, I am not responsible for your bad memory.
I have remembered my part of it. Memory is a
peculiar faculty aud is susceptible of a great cultiva
tion. Some of the Grecians could repeat volumes
of poetry. Well, good morning.”
“bow, then,” said the cashier to his
wife, “ are you dressed for the journey, my dear ?”
“All ready, my love.” “Got the boodle safe?*'
“ All safe.” “What kind of a dress is that you have
on ?” “It is a pull-back.” “ A pull-back ! Good
heavens ! The idea of your thinking we can escape
to Canada while you wear a dress like that! Don’t
you see I’ve got on a cut-away coat ? Go and put
on a dress with a sloping train, and your hat with a
fly-away feather. We must take every precaution,
setting out on such a journey.”
-HT.-j,- :•» —— ! .J I II II , I ■(!
Tlie Supreme Bench.
Atlanta, Sept. 23, 1884.—From experience I think S.
S. S. a very valuable remedy for cutaneous diseases, and
at the same time an invigorating tonic-
JAMES JACKSON, Chief Justice of Ga.
Two More Important Cases.
Your agent being in Columbus, Ga., a few days ago, and
meeting the venerable brother J H. Campbell, wo asked
him for the news. Bis reply was: “I have two more im
portant cures effected by Swift’s Specific to report.” This
venerable man is known far and wide for his unremitting
labors of love in the behalf of tho poor of Columbus. It
will be remembered that the Swift Specific Co. has do
nated quite an amount of their famous medicine, to b«
distributed by Mr. Campbell among the poor of the city;
hence his remark. He said:
“ I have just seen a lady who has been greatly annoyed
by a Tetter in one of her hands. It had given her much
trouble and pain. She said she bad been treated by sev
eral physicians during the past three or four years with
the old remedies, but without giving any relief. I sug
gested Swift’s Specific, and she took four bottles and If
now apparently perfectly well. Her hand Is smooth and
not a single sign of the disease left. It is marveloui how
this medicine renovates the system.”
“What about the other case ?”
“Well, that was a lady, also. She had been affected
with the eczema for four years. Her face, hands and
arms, as well as her body, was covered over with sores
and scabs. It was one of the worst cases of this terrible
disease that I have ever seen. The suffering of the poor
creature was beyond expression. She triedjevery remedy
at command, including mercury and iodide of potash, bat
she only grew worse. She was in this condition when £
first saw the case. I soon had her taking Swift’s Specific,
aud she has now only taken two bottles, but every mark
of the disease has almost entirely disappeared. Her
strength and general hea’th have greatly Improved. It if
one of the most remarkable cuios that has come undei
my observation.”
“ Mr. Campbell, you have had a long and varied expe
rience in mingling with men. and observing their afflic
tions and the remedies used—what is your opinion as to
the merits of Swift's Specific ?”
*' In a ministry of sixty years I have mingled with every
class of society, and have observed closely the variety ol
diseases which afflict humanity. Blood diseases are the
most numerous and tho most difficult to remove. It if
my deliberate judgment that Swift’s Specific is the grand
est blood pur.fier ever discovered. There is nothing com
parable to it. There is nothing too good to say about
Swift’s Specific.”
Treatise on Blood and Skin Diseases mailed free.
Marriage and Health.
Pittsburg, Pa., Nov. sth, 1833. Mrs. Lydia E. Pink*
ham : As is frequently the case with mothers who have
reared large families, I have tried tho skill of a uumbei
of physicians, and tho virtue of many medicines without
relief, and as an experiment I concluded to try yours. I
can assure you that tho benefits I have derived from it
came not because of any faith I had in it, for 1 had but
slight hope of any permanent good. I am not a seeker
after notoriety, but I want to tell you that I have been
wonderfully benejltted by your medicine. I am now using
my fourth bottle, and it would take but little argument
to persuade me that my health is fully restored. I should
like to widely circulate the fact of Its wonderful curative
powers. Pheba C. Roof.”
A Man s Thanks.
A well-known business man of Wilmington, N. C.,
writes to express his thanks for the benefit which hii
wife has derived from the use of Mrs. Pinkham’s Vegeta,
ble Compound. “It is with pleasure,” he says, “ that I
write to express to you my gratitude for the relief and
benefit your Vegetable Compound has been to my wife,
who has been troubled with ulceration aud a tumor
weighing 2% 1b5., so the doctor said. She has been under
the treatment of the doctor for six years. Finally ha
said he could do nothing more fur her, that she would die
in twenty-four hours. Then I commenced using your
Compound. As soon as she commenced to take it she
commenced getting better, and now she can attend to
her domestic affairs as well as she ever could.”
Ladies’ Weaknesses.
Mr. T. H. Gafford, of Church Hill, Md., is so thankful
for the restoration of his wife to complete health, that he
is willing to certify to the fact and manner of her cure.
To Mrs. Lydia E. Pinkham: “This is to certify to the
grand effects of your Vegetable Compound. My wife was
suffering from a terrible disease which seemed to baffle
the skill of the best medical men. She was in a poor,
languid, depressed, nervous condition. We finally con
cluded to try your vegetable compound, and, to our groat
surprise, the haif of one bottle had not been taken before
there seemed to be a thorough change in her whole condtr
tlon, and now to day she is in good health, and entirely
relieved from all former depressed feelings.
“T. 11. Gafford and wife.”
prepared at Lynn, Mass. Price, sl. Six bottles for $5.
Sold by all druggists. Sent by mail, postage paid, in form
of Pills or Lozenges, on receipt of price as above. Mrs.
Pinkham’s “ Guide to Health ” will be mailed free to any
Lady sending stamp. Letters confidentially answered.
For the Cure of all diseases of
Horses, Cattße, Sheep
Used successfully for 20 years by Far
mers, Stockbreeders, Horse R.R., &e.
Endorsed <fc used by the U.S.Governm’t.
109 Fulton St., Wew York.
z Humphreys’ Homeopathic
Specifie Ito 2l
In D use 30 years. The successful remedy for
Nervous Debility, Vital Weakness,
and Prostration, from * over-work or other causes.
per vial, nr 5 vials and largo vial powder, for $5.
Sold by Druggists, or sent postpaid on receipt of
price. Address, Hn mpTireJHfomeopawiio
Medicine* Co., 109 St.. New Ver Lu
IfflH 01BW
Used for over 25 years with great success by tho
physicians of Paris, New York and London, and sui>e
rior to all others for the prompt cure of all cases,recent
or of long standing. Put up only in Glass Bottles
containing 64 Capsules each. PRICE 75 CENTS,
Air-A strengthens, enlarges, and de-g
gvigoruting Pill, sl. All post-paid. Address ;
New England Medical Institutb, |
No. 24 Tremont Row, Boston, Mass, g,
WORM WAFERS, a positive cure tor STOMACH and PIN
WORMS. All Druggists. Pamphlet Free
suffering from tho
cay, lost manhood, etc., I will send you particulars of a
simple and certain means of self cure, free of charge.
Send your ftddress to F. C. FOWLER, Moodus, Qabb-

xml | txt