The Western advance. [volume], June 06, 1874, Image 1

About The Western advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1872-1874

Image provided by: Minnesota Historical Society; Saint Paul, MN

                
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HIS SHARE ANh MINE.
[THIS grief of a mother upon the taking away
of her child, with something of her celt-comfoning
thereafter, finds expreseiou (and many bureavad
mothers will feel it) in this tender poem by Mrs.
8. M. B. Piatt:]
He went from rae so softly and so soon,
His sweet hands rest at morning and at noon.
The only task God gave them was to hold
A few faint rose-buds—and be white and cold.
His share of flowers he took with him away
No more will blossom here so fair as they.
IliM share of thorns he left—and if they tear
My hands instead of his, I do not care.
His sweet eyes were so clear and lovely, but
To look the world's wild light and shut
Down in the dust they have their sh of sle
Their share of tears is left for me eep.
His sweet month had its share of kisses—Oh!
What love, what anguish, will he ever know!
Its share of thirst, and mnrmuring, and moan,
And cries unsatislled, shall be my own.
He had his share of Summer Bird and dew
Were here with him—with him they vanished, too.
Ilis share of dying leaves, and rains and frost
I take, with every dreary tlntisj he lost.
The phantom of the cloud we did not see
Forevermore thallovershadow me.
He, in return, with «mall, still, snowy feet,
Touched the Dun Pu'h, and made its Twilight
sweet.
THE SORROWS OF A. J. PERKINS.
A SCnCOLBOY'8 STORY.
His name was Andrew Jackson, but
they called him Andy for short age.
about twelve years he was a youth built
strong upon his legs," after the good, old
English pattern.
All Europe wept over an imaginary
Werther shall no tear be shpd upon a
real Andy 9 Nay, not so. Though he
may not have the appearance of one, he is
a suBoring hero, and he snail be sung!
Full many a boy is born to blush unseen,
and waste his anguish on the desert air
but Andy shall be plucked and put under
people's noses perhaps they will after
ward be tender toward his kind.
Personally, Andy was the average boy.
You would not have suspected, as you
gazed on his hard, round cheeks and
apple nose, that he was the victim of ad
verse fate. His hair grew thick and
bristling over his scalp, reminding one of
that good old hymn, There'll be no Part
ing There!" In vain did his mother essay
to blaze a track through this wilderness
the plow may break wild prairie, but
comb could not break Andy's locks. No
girlish curls hung upon his brow. He
had no sweet effeminacy—wasn't a
"dear little fellow," nor a "good boy."
He was that young scoundrel Andrew
Perkins, who was always smashing things,
and fighting, and getting disgraced who
was a burster of ears a sauce-box to old
ladies, and an elephant on the hands of
his nervous mother. Scrapes were Andy's
normal condition. Those thorns of
"ought" and "ought not" were forever
goading his flesh. If he had one unhar
rassed moment, this was merely the
silence preceding some thunder-clap.
Andy leaped from his pillow and went
forth unsuspiciously to a day of woe.
These dear bov s! they swing their caps
and rush into an atmosphere of heart
break with "hurrah!" on their lips.
Their brothers are as hard to them as
broken banks to their papas, and their de
spairs partake of that grim desperation
with which grown men put their heads
into noosed ropes.
Sliding down a stair-railing, ss usual,
Andy caught one leg and fell, smashing
the gas-shades and upsetting a hat-rack,
while the brass buttons on his new jacket
flew in all directions like sparks. And
as their custom was, on such occasions,
his father's household railed against him.
His sister wheeled from her piano, fright
ened out of an Italian squall into a gen
uine English one his father got him by
the collar and shook him, salting his
bruises with trite remarks the younger
girls stood around, pious, proper and hor
rified and bia mother sat down and
smcl led camphor, wondering if the boy
meant to kill her?
Then at the table they would not let him
alone. They asked him, sarcastically,
what napkins were made for, when he
wiped his molasses on the tablecloth
they prevented his putting three biscuits
in his mouth at once they groaned when
he rested his elbow in the bottom of his
Coffee-cup they confused him about
knives and forks, and raised such a breeze
•when his gravy ran down on the wrong
side of his stomach that Andy went to
school desperate, taking the "scalps of
many a youth on his way.
As he wriggled about in his desk and
wondered why he was born, he encoun
tered Miss Slocum gazing upon him with
her usual superior air. Miss Slocum was
a damsel of eight, and though Andy had
a soft side and secret admiration for her
sex generally he had no such indulgence
for her. Her very existence was a con
tinued insult to himself. Were not her
praises tooted in his ears from morning
till night? His teacher measured his
recitations on Miss Slocum's superior
performances his mother extolled Miss
Slocum's manners, and his little sisters
imitated her. No fault was ever found
with Miss Slocum.
Andy squinted at her.
Miss Slocum resented this. She lifted
her nose at him. Then there followed a
duel of grimaces Andy nearly floored
her with a hideous face made by rolling
kis eyes upward, sticking his tongue out,
and waving his one hand from his nose—
just like a triumphant battle flag. But
Miss Slocum plucked up heart, and lip,
puckered her chin and shot a fearful
sneer at him. Andy, however, who was
the best paper-wad artillerist in school,
was not to be Killed by blank cartridges
so immediately returned his shot by turn
ing his eyes upward, sticking his tongue
out longer and adding another triumph
ant banner to the nose-fort. Miss Slocum
wavered before such prowess but she
gathered her resources and made up a
compound face, which I will call Greek
lire nothing can adequately describe it
it was a feminine masterpiece. But
Andy had in reserve another move,
which brought her proud crest to the
earth he drew mouth and eye sockets
back till they formed complete circles
round his head, and came down on her
with the effect of Medusa. His teacher
also saw it, and for an instant even she
was turned to stone. But she soon re.
covered herself, and called the injured,
weeping Miss Slocum to her side to be
comforted w'th caresses and then she
very properly took that desperate boy
into a closet and threshed him for his
outrageous conduct.
Before "ithad quit hurting" Andy had
promised to lick" so many boys for
wwwajp«rwB."usuafes*
laughing at him that the whole day
proved a serious campaign. He had
poor lessons, and was humbled. He
made some disastrous trades, and got such
a stock of worthless strings, cracked
marbles and bladeless knives on his
hands as would have driven a pawn
broker mad. He couldn't eat his dinner
in peace. He was told that "he
should be seen and not beard but when,
in accordance with the desires of his
family, he reduced himself to a mere spec
tacle by upsetting the cranberry sauce
over his entire length, they resented the
very sight of him.
"Icau't do nothing!" howled Andy,
sent to his room in disgrace, they won't
let me play with the boys, nor even look
at the girls, nor eat when I'm hungry—
nor nothing! This is a mean old world.
I'll run away and go to sea!" With boys
resolution and action are twin brothers.
Andy girded himself to dodge down
stairs the moment he could elude his vig
ilant parents.
And, as he meant to run away in good
style and according to the letter of story
books, he fell it incumbent upon him to
write a letter of farewell to his family.
Now Andy had once been constrained to
write an epistle of duty to the unfortunate
gentleman who had stood godfather to
him at his christening, on which occa
sion he had recourse to an old letter-book
in his father's library. So he now flat
tered himself he was equal to a heart
rending testament, and, finding a stumpy
pencil, he sat down and wrote, fragments
of the letter-book floating in his mind.
Three-quarters of an hour he spent
upon his work, which, heing finished, he
placed under the lid of the Bible he had
received for cramming 3,000 verses when
his head was younger and tenderer.
Andy pictured to himself, with grim
pleasure, his weeping household stand
ing around its head, who would, between
many sobs, read the following note:
DearPairenta hay run awa and you wort
never see me no More you hav bin verv Harsch
and tirannicle when am off making Munny praps
yon will repent thy undntiful condtick.
So no more the girls may have my toise. Your
obedyent servant Andrew jackson perkius.
Before the evening gas was lighted he
struck out and attempted to set his face
seaward. But Andy's geographical knowl
edge was limited he wished he had con
sulted a map before he started, for he
knew not which way to turn. He, more
over, regretted sincerely not having filled
his pockets with cookies. It was a No
vember night, and Andy hadn't been al
lowed to partake of the evening repast.
He will remember that night. I think
I see the dear boy wandering up and
down, blowing bravely on his red fingers,
watching the flaring gas jets, putting a
fist int« his eye occasionally, He saw
life that night.
It did not appear he could realize his
munny" immediately. Before ten the
boy spirit was cooled. He stole back to
his father's door, but had not courage to
ring. Then he wondered how he could
stand it out all night. Here and there
rambled Andy.
He stood in the shadow of the doorway
(evading a policeman) of the house where
Miss May lived. Miss May was a young
lady whom he specially admired. He
felt a strong desire to see her that even
ing.
And as he stood, crying silently, like a
little soldier, because he was so cold he
could hardly stand it, the door opened and
a gentleman emerged whom Miss May
bade a lingering and really affectionate
goodnight.
She stood an instant watching her lover
before she closed the door, and in this in
stant Andy exploded with a big sob.
After screaming, as all orthodox young
ladies do, Miss May recovered herself and
drew the child in.
Here is a sacred picture in Andy's life.
He will never tell anyone how happy he
was one hour, sitting in the heart of a
warm room at Miss May's feet, taking his
supper and unloading his heart to her.
She was a woman who loved and under
stood boys their brusquerie, their heavy
antics, their overplus of spirits never
made her nervous." She had helped to
bring up several boys creditably and joy
ously, and was now about to try her hand
on somebody else's brother.
If they'd only let me be," stuffing un
Timited tarts into his mouth, but I never
can do nothing!"
Miss May smoothed the brown hand
which Andy, in a gush of confidence,
yielded to her (your sturdiest boys have a
sneaking fondness for being petted), and
as she gazed into the grate she fretted
within herself—" Why is it that parents
will drive these baby-men desperate that
teachers will try to cram them—will sit
on the safety-valve of their natures? I wish
I had all the boys! I'd make a boys' par
adise! They should walk on their ears
if they wanted, but they should likewise
know the best use of their ears. Thej'
should live their honest, joyous hearts
out and never learn to sneak^ to lie, to
whine, to cant, to ape Miss Nancy, to sac
rifice their sense of right and wrong to the
mere pleasing of some other person! Oh,
And here the proverb about maids'
children and bachelors' wives came into
her mind. She laughed aloud and
stooped to kiss Andy. It was such a
hearty, wholesome kiss that he took it
without sheep-facedness.
It was decided that, as his parents be
lieved him asleep in his own bower, they
should not be notified of his running
away, and that night Andy slept in Miss
May's house.
Early next morning he laid a hand on
the note which was to have fallen like a
thunderbolt on his people and sent it to
oblivion. He walked as circumspectly
as Andy could. But a Micawber-like fit
of letter-writing seemed to have seized
him. Though he could fly to his com
forter when trouble lowered, and though
she never denied him a personal inter
view, Andy sought a pen, with which he
hacked the English language and spilt
ink like black gore upon a large cap
sheet.
His honest little heart spouted forth to
the one who appreciated and helped him:
Dear Miss May: dldent get licked all day and
had my ioggerfy just hokey good touched my
cap to old mis pease and mama Bed that looked
better than runmn over her like always did
love yon if goin to get married wood marry yon.
your obedyent servent
Andrew jackson perkins.
—LockeU National Monthly.
As THE steamer Alexander Mitchell
was putting off freight at Alma, Wis., a
keg of wine fell into the river. The mate
insisted upon one of the deck hands, a
negro, jumping in after it. The negro
objected, upon the ground that he could
not swim. The male took him by the
collar and pants to pitch him in, but, as
drowning men will catch at straws, so the
negro fastened on the mate's collar, and
they both went in together, the mate
clear under, the negro to his chin. They
both came out wiser and wetter men.
VOLUME II. WORTHINGTON, NOBLES CO., MINNM SATURDAY, JUNE 6, 1874.
HAPPY ACCIDENTS.
WHEN little Miss Hewett fell into the
Thames from the window of her father's
house on London Bridge, the accident was
a happy one for the plucky apprentice
who took a header and saved the baby
heiress from drowning for, in grateful
guerdon of the lad's ready courage, when,
in due time, baby developed iuto a pretty
maiden, Sir William would listen to no
wealthier suitor, vowing that he who had
saved the lass lrom death should possess
her for life, and, the damsel being*of the
same mind, Edward Osborne married the
daughter of the merchant prince and lived
happy ever afterward.
That well rewarded dive was a common
place act of devotion beside that by which
a page once proved his love for his mas
ter, thanks to the peculiar method of cure
adopted by the physician of William of
Orange when the small-pox threatened to
bring the Prince's life to an end. Noth
ing, the doctor said, could save the pa
tient unless some healthy young man be
came his bedfellow, and, by infolding him
closely in his arms, should impart suffl
cient heat to his body to force the obsti
nate disease to break out. William's page,
Bentinok, volunteered for the dangerous
office.^ The experiment succeeded, and
the faithful youth escaped unharmed to
share his master's rising fortunes, became
Prime Minister of England, and founded
a ducal house in the land of his adoption.
Strolling across the fields near Sayes
Court, Evelyn came upon a dismal-looking
house and, peeping in at a window, saw
a young man busy wood-carving. Slip
ping inside, he beheld "such a work as,
for curiosity of handling, drawing, and
studious exactness," surpassed anything
of the kind he had yet seen. Evelyn told
the King ot his find and, obtaining em
ployment for the genius he had so unex
pectedly unearthed, started Grinling Gib
bons on the road to fame and fortune.
Sherwin, the engraver, might have end
ed his days as a chopper of wood if he
had not been called into Mr. Mitford's
drawing-room to receive jome orders
while the young ladies were amusing
themselves drawing. Seeing his wood
cutter taking earnest note of what the
fair artists were about, Mr. Mitford asked
if he could do anything that way. Sher
win said he did not know that he could,
but he should like to try. Paper and pen
cil were placed in his hands and, spite
of his stiff and callous fingers, he pro
duced a drawing that astonished all pres
ent, and which, being presented to the
Society of Arts, gained the untaught
draughtsman the society's silver medal.
Thus encouraged, Sherwin betook him
self to town, exchanged the ax for the
.burin, and won for himself a name in the
world of art.
Sharp, the painter, owed the favor he en
jov ed at court to an odd misadventure. It
was the custom for the royal attendants,
when the King passed along the lobbies
of the palace, to clear the way by crying
out: 'Sharp, sharp, look sharp!' This
cry reaching Sharp's ears as he was pre
paring col.rs in a room in the pilace, he,
tninking he was called, rushed out to
meet the impatient caller, and, coming
into collision with His Majesty, the
painter measured his length upon the
floor. Prom that time George III. lost
no opportunity of pushing the fortunes of
the artist so strangely introduced to his
notice. Sharp rose through his own fall.
Halil Pasha was indebted for his rise
in the world to such an every-day occur
rence as the upsetting of a lamp. He
happened to be doing some tinman's work
in the apartment ot the Sultana Valide,
when that lady .knocked down a much
prized French'lamp, to the utter derange
ment of its internal economy. Despair
ing ot finding any mechanic in Consianti
nople capable of repairing the damage,
the SUitana proposed sending it to Paris,
whereupon the young tinman offered to
try his skill, and succeeded in putting the
lamp in good order again. The pleased
owner recommended him to her son, the
Sultan and he, after testing the capacity
of the Sultana's protege in various ways,
ultimately appointed him to the office of
Grand Master of Artillery an appoint
ment Halil Pasha justified by inventing a
new cartridge, improving the armament
of the forces, and completing the defenses
of the Dardanelles. Greater things still
were expected of him but as an accident
brought him to the front, so an accident
brought his career to an abrupt close, and
deprived the Port of an able servant.
Wallensteiu the magnificent, the self
absorbed captain, who never lost but one
battle, might have remained a fool all his
life had not his brain been started into
activity by his head trying conclusions
witfl the pavement.
Mabillion was little better than an idiot
until he fractured his skull, in descend
ing a stone staircase without using his
feet.
Foote, if his powers were not devel
oped by an accident, was enabled to turn
his wit and mimic talent to more profita
ble purpose through losing a leg by tail
ing from his horse when riding in the
Duke of York's company that obtained
him his Haymarket patent, bringing him
years of prosperity, a prosperity that
might have been lifelong could he have
steered clear of offending a revengeful
woman.
By a much slighter mishap than the
breaking of a limb the stage lost a good
actor, but the theater's loss was the
world's gain. We have reason to be
thankful that a cold in the head prevented
Charles Dickens keeping his appointment
with the Covent Garden manager, and
compelled him to postpone giving them a
taste of his histrionic quality till another
season. Then, says he, I made a great
splash in the gallery the Chronicle opened
to me I had a distinction in the little
world of the newspaper which made me
like it began to write didn't want
money had never thought of the stage
but as a means of getting it gradually
left off turning my thoughts that way
and never resumed the idea. See how
near 1 may have been to another 6ort of
life!" See how near we all may have
been, but for that cold, to never knowing
Pickwick, Old Weller, and the irrepressi
ble Sam, Captain Cuttle, Dick Swiveller,
Micawber and the host of friends whose
names are familiar in our mouths as
household words! To such a trivial ac
cident do they owe their being just as
the red-skinned heroes of Fennimore
Cooper would never have been heard of
but for their creator's being wearied out
of all patience by a dull novel until,
throwing it down in disgust, he ex
claimed: "I could do better than this
myself!" and, setting to work, did it.
Thorwaldsen would have gone back to
Denmark a disappointed man—perhaps
forsworn the sculptor's art—if a flaw in
his passport had not obliged him, much
against his will, to stay twenty-four hours
longer in Rome. Before the twenty-four
hours had pasted away. Mr. Hope had
A N IINIEI»:E:IVI:EIIVT N E W S A E
walked into the studio, admired the
Jason, and commissioned the despairing
Dane to execute it in marble. Thor
waldsen's boxes were unpacked again,
and from that time he never knew what
it was to be idle for want of work to be
done.
The cracking of a picture placed in the
sunshine set Van Eyck experimenting to
produce a varnish that would dry in the
shade he found what he sought, and
found beside that by mixing it with his
colors they acquired greater force and
brilliancy, and required no subsequent
varnishing and so came about the dis
covery, or rediscovery, of the art of paint
ing in oil.
Mezzotinto owed its invention by
Prince Rupert to the simple accident of
a sentry's gun-barrel being rusted by the
dew.
Henry Schanward, a Nuremberg glass
cutter, happened to let some aqua fortis
fall upon his spectacles, andSdoticed the
glass was corroded and softened wh«re
the aqua fortis had touched it. Taking
the hint, he made a liquid accordingly,
drew some figures upon apiece of glass,
covered them with varnish, and applied
his corroding fluid, cut away the glass
around his drawing, so that when he re
moved the varnish the figures appeared
raised upon a dark ground, and etching
upon glass was added to the ornamental
arts.
Alois Senefelder, playwright and actor,
thinking it possible to etch upon stone in
lieu of copper, polished a slab for the
pui/pose. *He was disturbed by his moth
er coming into his small laboratory with
a request that he would jot down her list
of things for the wash, as the woman was
waiting to take the basket away. There
being neither paper nor ink handy, Sene
felder scribbled the items on his stone
with his etching preparation, that he
might copy them at his leisure. Some
time afterward, when about to clean the
Stone, he thought he might as well see
what would be the effect of biting the
stone with aqua fortis, and in a few min
utes saw the writing standing out in re
lief. Taking up a pelt-ball charged with
printing-ink, he inked the stone,look oft
a few impressions upon paper, and he
had invented lithography. The pelt-ball
used by Senefelder was long indispensa
ble In a printing office. A Salopian
printer, in a hurry to get off a job, could
not find his ball, and inked his form with
a piece of soft glue that had fallen out of
the glue-pot, with such excellent results
that he thenceforth discarded the pelt-ball
altogether, and by adding treacle to the
glue to keep it from hardening hit upon
the composition of which printers'rollers
have ever since been made.
.Three ,very different discoveries are
recorded to have resulted from the unin
tentional application of intense heat.
Pliny attributes the discovery of glass to
some merchants traveling with niter, who,
stopping on the banks of a river to take a
meal, were at a loss for stones to rest their
kettles upon. Putting them upon pieces
of niter, they kindled their fires the niter
dissolved by the heat, mixed with the sand,
and the merchants were astonished to see
a transparent matter flowing over the
ground, which was nothing else but glass.
Charles Goodyear had for years experi
mented in vain, hoping to deprive india
rubber of its susceptibility to the action
of heat and cold. Conversing with a
friend on the subject, he emphasized an
assertion by flinging apiece of sulphured
rubber across the room. It- lighted upon
the stove and when he picked it up, a
few days afterward, he found the intense
heat to which it had been. subjected had
conferred upon' the india-rubber the
quality he had so long striven to impart
to it. According to some, he stumbled
upon the discovery in a different manner
but, at any rate, vulcanized india-rubber
was the creation of an accident.
A Limerick tobacconist looking dole
fully at his poor neighbors groping
among the smoldering ruins of his
burned-out shop noticed that some of
them, after trying the contents of certain
canisters, carefully loaded their waist
coat pockets fiom them. He followed
suit, and found the snuff had come out of
the fiery ordeal very much improved in
pungency and aroma. Like a wise man
he said nothing, but took another place,
sau a lot of Ovens, and before long
Black Yard Snuff—otherwise Irish
Blackguard"—was all the rage with lovers
if nasal titillation and in a few years
Lundyfoot was a rich man, owing to the
accident he thought had ruined him.
A would-be alchemist, seeking to dis
cover what mixture of earths would make
the strongest crucibles, one day found he
had made porcelain. Instead of trans
muting metals as he had fondly hoped to
do, Bottger transmuted himself: "as if
he had been touched with a conjurer's
wand, he was on a suiiden transformed
from an alchemist into'a potter."
Corneiius Drebbel placed in his win
dow some extractof cochineal with which
he intended to fill a thermometer into
this some aquaregia dropped from a bro
ken phial standing just above it, and
Drebbel's purple liquid was converted
into a beautitul scarlet one. How this
came to pass puzzled him not a little, but
he ascertained that the aquaregia had
dissolved some of the tin of the window
frame on its way to the cochineal. Tell
ing this to his son-in-law, Kuffelar, a dyer
at Leyden, the latter turned the informa
tion to such good account that Kuffelar's
Color," as it was called, proved a little
gold mine to its godfather.
Beckmann says: Through the means
of Colbert, one of the Gobelins learned
the process used for preparing the German
scarlet dye from one Gluck, and the Pa
risian scarlet dye soon rose into so great
repute that the populace imagined that
Gobelin had acquired his art from the
devil"— all because Drebbel chose to
make use of a broken bottle.
Mrs. East, the wife of an English paper
maker, is said to have been thefirstpro
ducer of blue-tinted writing-paper. Going
among the vats while the workmen were
away for their dinner-hour, she let a blue
bag fall into one ot them, and, horrified
at the mischief she had done, said not a
word about the matter. The spoiled pa
per was hidden away in the warehouse
by the angry paper-maker for four years
tnen he sent it to his London agent to be
sold for what it would fetch. The novelty
was admired, and the agent not only sold
the whole stock of blue paper at a high
price, but asked for more. Then Mrs.
East unbosomed herself, claiming a new
cloak as the reward of her fortsnate care
lessness and her husband was enabled
for awhile to reap a rich harvest, until
the demand became so great that other
makers devised means for the same end,
and manufactured blue paper as a matter
of course.
Even those now necessary utilities,
envelopes, originated accidentally. A
Brighton stationer took a fancy for dress
ing his window with piles of writing-
paper, rising gradually from the largest to
the smallesnsize in use, and to finish his
pyramids nicely he cut cards to bring
them to a point. Taking these cards for
diminutive note paper, lady customers
were continually wanting some of that
dear little paper," and the stationer found
it advantageous to cut some paper to the
desired pattern. But then there was no
space for addressing the notelets when
they were folded and after much cogita
tion he invented the envelope, which he
cut with the aid of metal plates made for
the purpose. The sale increased so rap
idly that he was unable to produce his
envelopes fast enough so he commis
sioned a dozen houses to make them for
him, and thus set going an important
branch of the manufacturing stationery
trade.
A poor clergyman, proud as he was
poor, was part owner of a barren piece of
land, for which a nobleman was in treaty.
The latter had agreed to pay the clergy
man a small sum to relinquish his rights,
but, failing to keep an appointment to
settle the affair, Mr. Hughes went away
in a huff, and refused to have any further
communication with the unpunctual lord.
A rich vein of copper afterward came to
light on the very property, and the cleigy
man eventually drew more than £50,000
a year from the land he had so nearly
given up.
Mr. Coutts was indebted to his success
as a banker to it coming accidentally to
his ears, soon after he began busi
ness, that a certain London bank had re
fused a noble customer the loan of £10,000.
Mr. Coutts immediately wrote to the
nobleman, asking him to favor him with
a call, and, when he called, offered to lend
him the desired sum. But I can five
you no security," said the peer. Your
Lordship's note of hand will suffice," was
the response. The offer was closed with
and the borrower, departing with £5,000,
left the rest on deposit. The story soon
got about and brought great aristocratic
customers. Then it reached the King's
ears. His Majesty desired to see such a
liberal banker, and was so delighted with
his conversation that he ordered his ac
count to be transferred to Coutts' bank.
The royal example had plenty of imita
tors, and the foundation of the great
banker's fortune was laid.
Happy accidents have so often hap
pened that it would require a volume to
do full justice to the subject.-*—Chambers'
Journal.
THE SWELL.
ON the walk a hat did lie,
And a gallus chap sailed by,
And he cut a lively swell-
He was clerk in a hotel
And he gave that hat a kick,
And he came across a brick I
Now upon a crutch he goes
Minus half a pound of toes.
MORAL.
When you see a person thrown
By misfortune or by vice.
Help him thrice or seven times thrice,
Help him up, or let alone,
If you give the man a kick
You may stumble on a brick—
Or a ttone.
Fate is liable to frown,
And 'he best of us go down
And in just a little while
She is liable to smile.
And the bad luck and the vice
Seem to scatter in a trice.
And to hunt their holes like mice
And the man you tried to kick
Now has changed into a brick.
—Fort Scott Monitor.
A Ten-Hollar Wife.
PAKSON ALLEN, of D., was quite a wag
and a peculiarly interesting preacher. He
was often called upon to perform the mar
riage ceremony, and his peculiarities on
such occasions often furnished a supply
of merriment long after the parties had
retired froji the parsonage.
On one occasion, after the marriage
knot had been tied, the bridegroom, sup
posing that the parson was entitled by
law to a certain fee, and would therefore
return the change, banded the minister a
ten-dollar bill, which was carefully folded
and placed in his pocket. The old par
son, having noticed the in the corner
of the old State bank note, kept up a live
ly conversation on the ups and downs of
life till the groom became somewhat
nervous over the delay in relation to his
ehange, and he ventured to say:
Parson Allen, that was a ten dollar
bill I gave vou."
Yes, so I perceive. You are very gen
erous. It is not often that I receive so
large a fee. A comfortable thing it is to
have a bank-note in one's pocket," and
then he gave some amusing illustrations
of selfishness, and another ten minutes ot
precious time was consumed.
Again the groom ventured to remind
the parson that he had not returned the
change he had expected, and he hesitat
ingly suggested:
Perhaps you did not think that the
bill I handed ou for your services was a
ten, did you, Parson Allen?"
Oh, yes, I noticed that it was I assure
you that I have not been so agreeably sur
prised for along time. I always "think
on such occasions that the husband has
an appreciative regard for his worthy
partner, and I presume that you regard
your wife that now is worth at least ten
dollars, and I doubt if you would have the
knot untied for twice that sum, would
you, Mr. N?"
"Not I," said the nonplused bride
groom. But is there not a regular fee
which the minister is allowed to take for
marrying people?"
"Not that I am aware of," responded
the parson. "Wealways leave the fee to
be fixed by the parties who get married."
And the bridegroom, evaded at all
points, gave up the effort to get back any
change.
—The Odd Fellows' Grand Lodge of
Ohio reported 423 working lodges in the
State, with 43,000 members. During the
year there were 7,500 initiations. The
losses from all causes were $3,500 net
gain, $2,200 cash. The securities in the
general fund amount to $1,000,000. The
amount of the widows' and orphans'
fund is $120,00'.
—An American locomotive is required
to do 10,000 miles more traveling in a
year than are those of England. The
Illinois Central engines each go 20,500
miles per annum, and the Baltimore &
Ohio 27,276. An engine is expected to
do enough when it has rolled over from
15,000 to 18,000 miles.
—In Russia a fellow is not allowed to
court a girl unless three of her friends are
present, and consequently lovers never
indulge in such pleasant affairs as hold
ing peppermint lozenges for each other
to bite.
I live by my pen," pompously said
a poet who wished to impress a young
lady. You look as though you lived in
one.'" she muttered.
CURRENT ITEMS.
THE largest room in the world is the
room for improvement.
SULPHUR comes from Vesuvius there
fore it is good for eruptions.
CARPENTERS are not particular about
their food. They are used to boarding
houses.
EIGHT HUNDRED marriageable young
ladies, for whom there is no visible pros
pective husbands, is what's the matter
with Eas'oa.Pa.
THE production of brick in the United
Stater in 1870, if laid in a wall one foot
thiak and ten feet high, would reach a
distance of over 2,908 miles.
A WOMAN'S club has b^en formed in
St. Louis, for the discussion of social,
moral and philosophical questions,
and especially questions vital to women.
A BROTHER of Nathan K. Hull, of
Killingworth, Conn., who was recentlv
killed by a train of cars, has committed
suicide from grief by jumping into a
well.
DOMESTIC prints are so pretty this sum
mer that housewives of taste are usinu
shilling calico for home wrappers, and
luxuriating in half a dozen of the various
patterns.
A DES MOINES genius who loves his
ease has vented an automaton fire
lighter He lies in bed, pulls a string
which sets the kindling on fire, and when
he hears the kettle singing he gets up.
A BOSTONIAN keeps a large standard
dictionary on a slightly-inclined shelf in
his parlor, which the children and adults
of the family can instantly and easily
consult for a definition or a lesson in
spelling.
A TOWN in Kentucky has developed a
queer specimen of genus homo in the form
of a facetious dentist, who advertises that
he will pull teeth without pain to the
operator, and with very little to the by
standers.
THE Columous (Ga.) Enquirer says:
We are going to quit the newspaper
business it doesn't pay to run a paper in
a town where business men read almanacs
and pick their teeth with the tail of a
herring."
ON the average of the last six years the
loss of life in English coal mines, by ex
plosion and other accidents, amounts to
one death for every 100,000 tons of coal,
not to mention injuries of a more or less
serious character.
THE Boston Common Council has voted
that the 4th of July shall be celebrated at
an expense to the city not exceeding
$25,000, while $800 has got to answer for
June 17, the anniversary of the battle of
Bunker Hill.
THIRTEEN years ago John Kendall, of
Alabama, csilled Arthur Spooner a liar.
Spooner reflected, got mad, and the other
day decided to shoot Kendall for the in
sult, and did shoot him and now his
honor shines like anew tin pan on a gate
post
WHILE Prof. Watson has been fooling
away fifteen years of his life in the study
of astronomy, a very common fellow in
Delaware has discovered that a turnip
tied to a string and hung to a hook will
prevent rheumatism from entering the
house.
THERE must be a demand for sawdust
in Gardner, Me. A local paper says
that the sawmills in that city make from
fifty to seventy-five cords of sawdust per
day, which sells readily for about as high
a price as though it were in solid long
lumber.
A BALTIMORE paper tried to say some
thing about Churches and Skeptics,"
and the writer of the article pleaded pite
ously for some one to put him out of his
misery when he saw his pious editorial
appear under the head "Clutches and
Sbeeptics."
AT Qucchee, Vt., the farmers were plow
ing in January, and on May day had the
pleasure of seeing afoot of snow on their
fields. Some of the hill roads were len
dered impassable by snow-drifts. The
birds were starving, and many robins
were found dead.
LUCY DONEGAN, of Dubuque, Iowa,
has sued Frank S. May for $10,000 dam
ages. May had the small pox, and hung
some of the clothts he had worn upon a
ft nee near plaintiff's house, whereby the
woman and two of her children were in
fected with the disease.
MANY Cuban sugar-planters are emi
grating to Southern Texas, glad to ex
change the comparatively quiet condition
of affairs in that State for the existing
troubles at home. The country between
the Sabine and the Rio Grande is well
adapted to the sugar cane.
"A MAN in a Pennsylvania lunatic asy
lum," says an exchange, "imagines him
self a woman, and tor that reason parts
his hair in the middle." Several young
men outside of the lunatic asylum part
their hair in the middle because, it is
supposed, they have no reason.
NORTH HADLKY, Mass., is disturbed by
foul water in its wells, and an old astrol
oger, well known in that vicinity, has
traced, with his mysterious rod, a subter
ranean stream from the cemetery, a few
rods distant, to the well at the parsonage
and to others along the street which con
tain foul water.
THE editor of the San Bernardino
Guardian feels impelled to describe the
rival editor of that town as an editorial
empiric—a newspaper quack a man
without education, without courage, with
out honor—a drifting, mental imbecile, a
slandering falsifier, a rambling adventurer
—a creature—a thing—content to live on
family charity."
THE preparations of the United States
for observing the coming transit of
Venus are very nearly completed. Eight
parties are to be sent out from this coun
try. One will go to Siberia another to
Central Asia a third to Nagasaki, in
Japan a fourth to Pekin, China and the
rest will go to the Southern seas by the
sloop-of-war Swatara, which is n*w being
fitted up with all necessary appliances for
that purpose.
TnE Syracuse (N. Y.) police authorities
are dealing severely with those little boys
who, in their anxiety fur fun, play such
games as stump the leader" and follow
the leader." The games themselves are
harmless when properly played, but the
Syracuse youths, in following their leader,
pull down fences, tear the roofs off houses,
trip pedestrians, etc., which is carrying
the game too far.
—There were 14,087 births in Con
necticut in 1873, again of 282 over the
previous year, and of 42 1 2 per cent, over
1863 the marriages numbered 4,841, 182
less than in 1872, and the deaths 9,822,148
less than in 1872. A noticeable fact in
the record of births is, that Bridgeport,
which has little more than half the popu
lation of Hartford, reports 1,082 against
939 in the latter city.
NUMBER 39.
A YOUNG lady of respectable parentage,
living near Carlisle, Ind., made a for
tunate escape from a fickle marriage re
cently. She was engaged to be married
to a young man, and every preparation
was being made for the wedding. Thtf
day previous to the day Bet for the occa
sion he called with a buggy and thev tooK
a long, pleasant ride, and he left, making
arrangements to take her with him to
Virginia immediately after the ceremony
At the appointed hour the expectant
bride was dressed, the minister and
friends were present, and the feast fully
prepared, but the young man never came
or sent any word, and when the train
dime along he stepped on board and left
without explanations.
THE Third National Tournament of
Chess-Players is to be held in Chicago,
beginning on July 7, 1874, and terminat
ing on July 20, or as soon after as con
venient and possible. The Chicago Chess
Club has undertaken to make all neces
sary arrangements to accommodate those
who may desire to participate. The pro
gramme contemplates a Grand and a
Minor Tournament—the former composed
of acknowledged first class players, receiv
ing no odds from any other player. The
latter will comprise such players as may
choose to enter the lists, and who are in
the habit of receiving the odds of at least
a pbwn and move from first-class players.
Prizes will be given to successful com
petitors in each class. The entrance fee
to the Grand Tournament has been fixed
at $20, and to the Minor Tournament at
$10. Each contributor to the general
fund to the amount of $5 will be entitled
to a copy of the book of the Congress. A
copy of the rules and regulations adopted
by the committee, and other information
desirable to intending participants, can
be obtained by addressing Albert W.
Giles, Secretary and Treasurer, 114 East
Madison street, Chicago, 111.
Appearances Against Him.
The histoid of English law contains
few more startling judicial tragedies than
that to which the statute against murder
owed such humane amendment as to make
the finding and positive identification of
the body of the slain person essential to
the conviction of the murderer and as
the same remarkable case had a peculiar
moral and social significance for the young
lovers ot all times, who, in their passionate
devotion to each other, are altogether
too apt to disregard the fortunes of every
body else in the world, it may be ie
called appropriately for modern reading.
Upon the death of Mr. George Perkins,
a widower of considerable property, in
London, it was found that his will ap
pointed a brother of his, living near Ep
pinc Forest, the sole guardian of his only
daughter, and directed that said guardian
should inherit the whole fortune devised
in case his young ward should die either
unmarried or without children. Implicit
confidence in his brother, who was a
middle-aged bachelor of limited means,
had, of course, inspired the dying man to
make such a will but a number of family
relatives pronounced the document an
extraordinary piece of servile fatuity, and
darKly hinted that harm would ensue
from it. This feeling caused an aliena
tion between the occupants of the Epping
Forest residence and the aforesaid
prophets, and made the latter the bitterest
prosecutors of the dead man's brother in
the strange and tragic succeeding events,
which have been described as follows:
Uncle and niece were both seen one
day walking together in the forest, but
the young lady suddenly disappeared,
and the uncle declared that he had sought
her as soon as be missed ber, and knew
not whither she had gone or what had
become of her. This account was con
sidered improbable, and, appearances be
ing clearly suspicious, he was arrested
and taken before a magistrate. Other
circumstances, hourly coming to light,
rendered his position serious. A young
gentleman in the neighborhood had been
paying his addresses to Miss Perkins. It
was stated and generally believed that he
had gone, a few days before she was
missed, on a journey to the North, and
that she, had declared that she would
marry him on his return. The uncle had
repeatedly expressed his disapprobation
of the match, and Miss Perkins had loud
ly reproached him with his unkindness
and abuse of his authority over her as
his ward. A woman named Margaret
Oaas was produced, who swore tha1 at
about eleven o'clock on the day on which
Miss Perkins wa9 missed she was passing
through the forest and heard the voice of
a young lady earnestly expostulating
with a gentleman. On drawing nearer
the spot whence the sound came
Margaret Oaks testified that she
heard the lady exclaim: Don't kill
me, uncle, don't kill me!" The woman
was greatly terrified and ran away from
the spot. As she was doing so she heard
the report of firearms On this combina
tion of circumstantial and positive evi
dence, coupled with the suspicion of
interest, the uncle was tried, convicted of
murder, and almost immediately after
ward- -according to the customs of those
days—was hanged.
About ten days after the execution of
the sentence upon the uncle the niece re
appeared, and, stranger still, showed by
the history she related that all the testi
mony given on the trial was strictly true.
Miss Perkins said that, having resolvid
to elope with her lover, thpy had given
out that he had gone on a journey to the
North, whereas" he had met ely waited
near the outskirts of the forest until the
time appointed for the elopement, which
was the very day on which she had dis
appeared. Her lover had horses ready
saddled for them both, and two servants
in attendance on horseback While
walking with her uncle he reproached
her with her resolution to marry a man
of whom he disapproved, and after
some remonstrances she passionately ex
claimed
I have set my heart upon him. If I
don't marry him it will be death to me
and don't kill me, uncle* don't kill me!"
Just as she proclaimed those words she
heard a gun fired, at which she started,
and she afterward saw a man come from
among the trees with a wood-pigeon in
his hand, which he had shot. On ap
proaching the spot appointed for a meet
ing with her lover, she formed a pretense
to induce her uncle to go on before her.
She then fled to the arms of her lover,
who had been waiting for her, and they
both mounted their horses and immedi
ately rode off. Instead, however, of go
ing to the North, they retired to Windsor,
and about a week afterward went on a
tour ot pleasure to France. There they
passed some months so happily that in
those days, when newspapers were scarce,
when there was no very regular postal
communication and no telegraphs, they
never heard of their uncle's sad fate until
their return to England.—N. T. Graphic.