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I 5 ft i rlf y VK Just been reading the romantic story of Montagne Barnes, who be gan life a poor boy with only one parent and two shoes and who had ]nst taken his seat In congress In firm, resounding tones. It's all excessively Interesting to tue and would be. even If any of the facts mentioned were true. For I know Monty Burnes; I've known him for years—ever since the time we sat In the literary society to gether at Si wash college and Monty used to get up and make speeches with a voice that sounded like a dried leaf In a wash boiler. I remember Monty's first speech as plainly as If I had heard.lt. 1 can re peat it word for word. He said: "M-mr. , Ch-chairman, I—1 m-murn we ad Joove." He was bolding on to two chairs when he made it. Told me afterward that he stopped them as they were going around him and used them as substitutes for knees. He was the shyest man and the worst speaker who ever got Into the Gnothautll Lit erary society. He had sat for a year before he dared make the above speech. And It took him another year to get so fluent that he could address the so ciety with the aid of only one chair. I remember how we used to look for ward to the nights when Monty ran the society. As a chairman he remind ied me of a puny child trying to herd Wildcats. You could chase him into the rafters with a point of order and paralyze him for a whole evening with an amendment to on amendment. Monty was so meek when we took him In that he bad to have a written permission to sneeze in chapel. I used to watch him trying to arrange his knees when he wanted to speak. You know how Important It Is that your knees shall be In good voice when you Want to address a meeting. Time after time he would get part way up with a few remarks balanced on the end of his tongue and then his knees would balk and Insurgé, and by the time he bad braced them up he had mislaid his remarks and the meeting had surged on. I used to pity him, though good ness knows I wouldn't have gotten up at that time for the world. I was worse than he, but I was resigned to It. I remember, too, the night when Barnes suddenly found himself sailing along about one thousand miles above sea level, riding his train of thought and feeding new thoughts Into his mind as fast as he emptied IL I can see now the look of ecstasy on his face— the look of a man who has Just discov ered how to «frivë'an airplane and ride the gale ou an even keel. From that time on you couldn't head Barnes off. He became a society nuisance. He de bated and orated and remarked at every meeting, and It was a common thing for some member to rise In the middle of his eloquence and say. "Mr. Chairman, I think It is about time to cap the gas well." And now little Barnes Is In congress. It's two years since he hung out his law shingle. I'll bet he started politi cal speaking before he got his sign painted, aad TU bet they couldn't stop him, either, until he had said what he wanted to. Fd like to have beard his campaign. I'd like to have seen the surprise of some of the tough old poli ticians who rose up to smother him With scorn and got banged on the head with the unabridged dictionary. And I'll bet congress doesn't worry him jeither. He's had Gnothautll training, 'Monty has, and no measly speaker Is going to head him off when he has a face full of words. That's what old Gnothautii did for Monty. It did a lot for all of us, too. There Is nothing In college that can touch the literary society for teaching • man to get up and slam a few choice, hand-picked sentiments Into the other fellow at a minute's warning. Looking back on those society nights l cannot feel surprised at the large number of awkward youngsters who afterward went out and began bossing congres sional districts before they could raise mustaches. After a man has spent a few years baling up and delivering his Ideas In the face of parliamentary ob • Sections, whoops, yells, sarcasm and sometimes furniture, a little thing like hypnotizing a well-policed ward caueus Is only child's play for him. They were bo fatally critical In our society. You jcould talk to It as long as you toter* \ jggted It and no longer. And the mem were so pleasantly frank about little faults of speaking. Ton lo't have to guess at those faults— no. At the end of the meeting the got up and told the society about He made his meaning perfectly We always took cars to choose« Critic who had a good command of Itéra ry society night was a great «•at old 81 wash. Friday and Sat-, nights we frivoted and on Sun frights we studied. Monday, Tues and Wednesdays we filled up to a unholy ways, but on Thursday we went to literary society. On y night chums separated, parted and enemies lined up ky wide, for half of a* went to "util and half of us 1 ? a I *til It Adelphl, and between the two there was a gulf as wide as the misunderstanding be tween the national party factions. Of course, our constitutional object as a society was to conduct debates, emit orations, produce extempore speeches and perfect ourselves In the art of ruling a meeting with a tirm hand when In the chair, and of upset ting It in the Interests of the minority when on the floor—two accomplish ments on which the noble art of self government was based until they be gan to ring In these new-fangled and un-American primaries. But, after all, our deepest and most throbbing inter est was our rivalry with Adelphl. It was hereditary. The two societies had been organized within a year of each other and the first act of Gnothautii was to defy the prestige of the arro gant Adelphlans. In the late '40s the two societies fought on the streets after meetings. During .the war Gno thautii paraded its twenty enlisted members and Jeered at Adelphl, which could only produce fifteen. In the '70s Adelphl produced Its first governor, and for three years swept In all the im pressionable youngsters on the strength of the glorious future which the society generously provided Its members. In the '80s the two societies built fine halls, a dead heat in cost and equip ment, and started out on the long task of paying for them. After that the rivalry spread out Into a long skirmish line with a hundred fighting points. We owed more money than Adelphl did—but we pulled off grander lecture courses. They had a piano—but we had two magnificent piaster busts of Cicero and Demos thenes. They had more interstate ora torical winners than we—but we had twice as many debate winners. They had tinted and decorated walls in their meeting hall—but we had a splendid set of leather upholstered chairs. They were ritualistic; we were practical and plain. They were careless In parlia mentary practice; we held firmly to formal rules and grew rich In fines. They would start a debate on the de sirability of Cuba and end it on the de sirability of whiskers. On the other band, they charged that at the end ofi a forty-flve-minute oration by one of our leading men, during my freshman year, the speaker had to waken the chairman in order that the rest of the society might be fined for sleeping. On every point we viewed each other with scorn and defiance. It added zest to our meetings and made hard work a pleasure. It made us outdo ourselves each year In our annual open meetings, to which the outside world was Invited —and that reminds me that away back about nine o'clock I started to tell about one of these same open meetings, which I shall now do or forever hold my peace. The year's rivalry always culminated to these open meetings. We held them on succeeding Thursday nights In the late spring. First Adelphl performed while we Gnothautii sat with the other guests and tried not to show our amusement at their boyish efforts. The next week we unchained our soaring' est orators and most peppery debaters, and I mast say that the Adelphians In the audience always acted like a lot of rhinocert, so far as appreciation of true wisdom went, fihen we spent the next year aspersing each other's last meet ing and preparing for the next display. No one realized better than I that while I was a loyal member of Gno thautll I was not doing my fall share to maintain her glory. I attended regu larly, paid as much to fines as anyone, and coaid hold my own against any three Adelphians In a rough-and-tum ble talk about our merits on the campas. Bat as a debater, an orator, a prize winner, or any sort of a future great member, I was a ghastly failure. I had not contributed a peep to the fame of the society. It worried me un *til I realized that there must be humble camp followers and sappers and miners in every army as well as tall, towering monaments of .gold braid. Then I cheered up and began to sap and mine Adelphi to the very best of my ability. I harassed Adelphl from every quar ter. I did It unremittingly and relent lessly. If I could not make Gnothautii proud I could at least keep Adelphi worried. I harassed them by getting Into the basement and turning ont their lights." I coaxed a watermelon out of their anteroom over Into ours. To gether with Tom Andrews I persuaded two darkles from the town to go Into their meeting and sing banjo selec tions. The frivolous Adelphians wel comed them with great relief until the singers gave a final encore from the rear door with a line of retreat estab lished. I wrote that encore myself. It was all about Adelphl, and I still think It was my finest literary effort That spring It was evident even to us, that unless something desperate was done, Adelphl would make our open meeting sound like a pale, timid hoot in a churchyard. AdMphl was roaringly prosperous. She had the in terstate orator. She had the best de baters to school. She had a humorist who was to tremendous demand to college affairs. She had a .i^^BHUthor. who had received genuine 'hpmey from an actual magazine, and she.'had a quartet which sang original songs. Against this we had nothing out of the ordinary to put up, except a poor old poet who taught school for several years before coming to college, and whose verse made the college paper with difficulty. We were greatly de pressed over the outlook. Somehow 1 felt that this was my chance to do a great deed for my so ciety, not by orating for it—the idea gave me cold shivers—but by putting some kind of a crimp in the Adelphi program. This was a most uncom fortable feeling to have, because 1 didn't have the slightest idea how to carry it out No crude methods. like putting disulphide in the hall or cut ting off the heat, would do. That would be like winning a race by hiring some one to hold one's rivai. I had to make Adelphi smear up Its owd meeting. It was an awful ambition. 1 was al ways cursed by plans five sizes too large for me. They kept me feverish and out of condition half the time. 1 tried to tell this plan to go lie down and let me alone, it was keeping me awake nights. But It wouldn't It hung around and sat on the edge of my bed and got me hollow-eyed and so nervous that 1 got to wandering around the town nights to get away from myself. That was how I happened to stumble into an entertainment in a little church In the South end. It was being given by a churclTTiT erary society—everyone had literary societies in Jonesville—and as soon as I heard the extempore speaker I began to get all prickly and perspiring. This was the first symptom of a great idea with me. The extempore speaker was iff NOT OVER HALF THE VISITORS WERE LEFT. TRIUMPH HAD ARRIVED. THE MOMENT OF HAD a very young man with wavy hair and a flow of words that made Niagara sound trickly in comparison. He was a natural orator. Anyone within three blocks could tell that They told me as he thundered that he could speak on any subject, and that his word pic tures were marvelous. They told me also that they always put him on at the end of the program, to order that the audience might leave them when it got enough, for the young man had no terminal facilities whatever. Beyond this one fault he was a fine speaker, they declared, and J admitted It as I listened to him. He rode metaphors and similes às soaringly as the eagle rides a gale. He plunged into the past and drew out hundreds of years of his tory at a grab. He rose shriekingly to denunciation and sank gracefully into poetry. He was unconquerable and un quenchable; also his grammar was most interesting. I stayed until most of the society had gone, and when I left I was happy. The young man was still speaking, and each hoarse whoop which followed me down the street made my Idea seem more daz zling. The freshman speech was one of the features of our open meetings. It gave each society a chance to parade its most promising freshman orator. Usually it was declaimed with a great fury and as much eloquence as the youngster could master. We all laughed at these speeches—you couldn't help langhing at the wildly revolving arms —but we took a deep Interest In them —for these boys were future college orators and debaters, and whenever a society had an Infant phenom it gave him fall swing at Its open meeting. This year there were no pbenoms on either side. I was resigned to this fact as far as Gnothautii was concerned, but I was desperately anxious to round out Adelphi's program. If only Adel phl could have this young man to be gin its open meeting I didn't seem to care who closed It They might even import their senator alnmnns If they chose. It-would give me great pleasure to see him wait his turn. I took my large new idea home with me and sat on it patiently for a few days. But It didn't hatch. It was a fine Idea, bnt the shell was too thick. To begin with, the boy wasn't in col lege. To end with, he wasn't in Adel phl. I batted my head against this be ginning and this ending for a while, and then took the whole business over to "Chub" Frazier and asked him if he could see anything in it. "Chub" Frazier's real college name was "Chubby." "Chub" was only an affectionate diminutive. He was a tall, lantern-jawed young man, who could have used a double-barreled shotgun for a pair of pants If it hadn't been for his feèt. He contributed a large share of the ozone in CnotJiautii meet ings and was always adding to the joy of us listeners by rising soberly to in quire for a biue print and working plans of the speaker's pet joke, or to announce that the last debater's bat ting average on dates was only .187, and to ask indignantly if heedless young students were to be permitted to massacre Nero 200 years before his birth without a protest from the so ciety. "Chub" was a junior and skilled in vain deeds, and when he heard my story he embraced me with vigor. "Petey, my boy, I have misjudged you." said he. "I have wondered why you persisted in sitting around in Gno thautii and breathing up so much of our nice air. I apologize. You are a patriot. Lead me to this young wind storm." It didn't take "Chub" two hours to arrange the plan of campaign. But he didn't go to the yousg man first. He went to the church society and ex plained to the leaders how shocking it was that so talented a young man should be driving a grocery wagon when he should be attending college and preparing to represent his country >n congress. He did this so well that a subscription was taken up. and within two weeks Mordecai Boggs was t>nly delivering groceries in his spare hours. The rest of^the time'he was special izing at Slwash in rhetoric, composi tion, oratory and English literature. He was a shy, freckled young man, was Mordecai, for all his eloquence on the stage, and he did not get acquaint ed very fast This was Just as it should be, for, naturally enough, before any one else In college noticed him "Chub" and I were fast friends and felt sure we could lead him into our sacred so ciety with a wave of the hand. We felt so sure about It that we couldn't help bragging a little. In fact I was so Indiscreet as to mention to Pilcher, an Adelphi freshman, as we were dress ing in the gym one evening late In March that we had a young freshman cinched for our open meeting who would not only out-orate their whole society but would set the world's rec ord for freshman screechers of all weights, heights and cylinder areas. Pilcher was so scornful that he didn't spend over half an hour trying to worm the freshman's name out of me. It didn't do any good. I can keep a secret But Chub couldn't He got to talking with an Adelphi senior the very next day, and in the heat of an argument over the societies' merits, running back to the time when Ban ning, Gnothautii '46, won nine Inter society debates in a row, he not only bragged about our new freshman but let his name slip ont And the very next day we caught two Adelphians taking Boggs down to stuff him with oysters and fiction about AdelphL We were so mad that we made the whole campus echo. Both Chub and I went to the Adelphl president and de nounced their efforts as high-handed, underhanded, backhanded and two faced, to say nothing of cloven-hoofed. We had practically pledged this young man to our society, we declared. We had induced him to enter college. He was our property. If they were men they would go away and leave him to us. We almost cried as we pled. Would they go away? Will the tiger go away from the nice, succulent young lamb? They Just laughed at us. We made a desperate effort to persuade Boggs to stay with us, and Chub aud I hung around him so closely that It wasn't until a week before their open meeting that they finally got him. They ran him into the society on the very night of our own open meeting—held a special meeting early to do It—and then they came over in a body and lis tened to our poor, squeaky little pro gram with jeers written all over their faces. Chub and 1 barely existed during that week. The thought that we had lost so promising a young orator filled us with deepest woe. But it wasn't half as deep as our suspense. What if something should jar his relations with Adelphi, and he should really come back to us after all? Between shivers of woe and quivers of fear we had no peace at all. On the night of the meeting we went early In order to get good seats, well to the rear. The chairman took his seat amid great applause, and after the trifling preliminaries, such as roll call, the reading of the minutes, and the few parliamentary sparrings. Just to show the visitors the perfect working of the machinery, the Adelphl quartet took the stage and - performed with tre mendous eclat. The quartet retired after the third encore, and then, with something of a flourish, the chairman stepped forward and in a few well-chosen words pre pared the audience for an unexpected treat There had come to college re cently, he said, a young man, unher alded, unknown, unconscious even of the great genius which he bore with him to Slwash. He was a Jonesville youth. Kindly fortune had guided his footsteps into Adelphi, where sterling character and future abilities are al ways welcomed and made the most of. And it has been discovered that within this modest blushing youth there lurked abilities such as fixed Demos thenes permanently in history and made the fame of the younger Pitt burgeon and wax forever. He was re ferring, he said, to the newest Adel phian, and one whom he predicted might some day be the most famous Adelphian—Mr. Mordecai Boggs, who would now deliver the freshman ora tion on the subject "Our Nation's Peril." A great cheer rang out from Adelphl and young Pcggs stepped forward. It waA the proudest moment of his life and he was loaded for it Without any preliminaries he plunged into "Our Nation's Pe^il," laying open the past with one sweeping gash, and calling Caesar, Alexander and Nero from their musty tombs in the first paragraph. For a minute we Gnothautiians were dazed. Boggs certainly did have a sweep of language. It was good lan guage, too, because It had been care fully cobbled up by leading Adelphians, and Boggs was sticking strictly to the text He sketched in the condition of the world during the days of Rome with a few reverberating sentences, and as he rose to his first climax Fra zier and I lifted up our voices and gave a tremendous cheer. We had asked and pled Just one favor from our fellow Gnothautiians in that jneeting. It was that they should cheer when we did. They now rose to the task and swelled the uproar. The other visitors, slightly surprised, joined in. A bright smile burst jout on Boggs' face and he plunged ahead with re doubled energy. It was certainly a grand oration. We had to admit it. Boggs sent the Roman empire howling down to the abysmal depths of degradation in six minutes by the watch, and grabbed up Spain without even a pause for breath. Once again he soared and once again we Gnothautiians allowed a cheer to burst from us, overcome by his eloquence. There is nothing so contagious as an extempore cheer from the audience. Everybody picked it up and the old hall fairly rocked. It was elixir for Boggs. He took a deep breath, shook his head slightly, as if to indicate that what had transpired was merely a warming-up exercise, and then he went at the rest of that oration like a lion insurging against all Africa. Within five minutes he had left the track and had skidded into extempore eloquence with an average of four lapses in gram mar per lungful of speech. It was magnificent We cheered him at every pause. The Adelphians were getting nervous now and the chairman tried to rap the meeting to order. But he might as well have said "H-sh" to a windstorm. Boggs was In full career. He was a young man of large chest de velopment and great endurance, cou pled with a voice which howled and shrieked like a steam siren as he swept dizzily from climax to climax. He set tled the Spaniards, demolished Na poleon and then went back and kicked over the Grecian civilization in four hoarse yells. We rose to our feet and cheered him wildly. He thundered down to the present, fought four revo lutionary battles in one chromatic whoop, and then apotheosized Lincoln with an upward swoop of the arm which sent him reeling backward to the wall. Never had the society heard anything like It. We got upon our chairs to emphasize our appreciation. The chairman hammered frantically and several sergeants at arms came over to us and talked threateningly But what could they do? When you Invite a hall full of people to listen to your speeches you can't throw them out for applauding them. Boggs was perspiring freely and the light to his eyes was wild. It was his greatest triumph and he Intended to gorfe himself on it In another ten minutes he had lapped up American history and had settled down comforta bly though volcanically into a discus sion of present-day problems. We en couraged him as best we could and the result warmed our hearts. It was cer tainly pleasant to extend a friendly hand to a shrinking freshman, and to assure him about four times a minute . that the world was entirely with him. "Anti ain't it true. I ask of you gath ered here tonight, if the rich are not getting richer and the poor, my * e ' citizens, sinking slowly down into the* slimy jaws of the slough of despond. "Hurrah !" we answered frantically. "And then you take the money power. Who's got all the money in this country? I tell you, little do we realize the gravity of this here coun try at this situation. The dollar that the poor man earns by the sweat of his brow is filched forth from his pocket by the siren call of the financial octo pus." "Hurrah!" we yelled again. "You say politics 1 Bah I Politics is rotten. We think we are free men in America, but what good does a vote do? The most rotten and obllquitous friend of the classes has got more power 1 say than a million free-born voters of the masses, of whom we are some right here in this room tonight—" "Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah for the masses !" We didn't have to lead these cheers. The rest of the visitors were frantic with delight, and as Boggs responded to every cheer with another superhu man shout of defiance against wicked ness they laughed and shrieked with glee. As for us Gnothautiians, we sat more or less quiet, partly from exhaus tion and partly from a solemn Joy which was flooding our entire beings. Boggs had already spoken three-quar ters of an hour and was still warming up. The break must come soon. It did. A few old ladies, subject to headache, got up nervously and tot tered away. Members of Adelphl pled with them to wait for the rest of the program, but they would not be per suaded. In another ten minutes a dozen visitors had tiptoed out. Boggs had reached his final height and was grad ually running down. Human strength had found its limitations. But he was coming clown, slowly and easily cruis ing from cloud to cloud, and discussing religion, philosophy and literature in fine but scrambled language. The au dience was melting rapidly now. The cheering had stopped, but Boggs hadn't, though the pale chairman pulled at his coat every time he could reach him. Not over half the visitors were left. The moment of triumph had arrived. Quietly and with regret plastered deep over our faces Chub and I got up and oozed cautiously down the aisle. From various parts of the room other Gno thautiians arose and picked their way delicately to freedom. In their wake the rest of the visitors came—some quietly, some with every evidence of undue anxiety. And as we crowded through the anteroom Boggs thundered on. There were scandalous rumors next day about that open meeting. It was hinted that the Adelphlans not only stopped Boggs by violence but that they took him down In the washroom and ducked him before they left for home. ' I don't believe this, because Adelphl always had a reverence for oratory and had been noted for its en couragement. But Boggs did leave Adel phi and soon afterward presented his application to Gnothautii. We took him in, but were firm with him and eventually made a fine speaker of him. What pleased us the most with the whole affair was that, mad and dis gusted as Adelphi was over their ruined . meeting, they couldn't blame anyone but themselves, and didn't attempt to. In fact, they kept so quiet about it that we had to chase an Adelphian a long w'ay during the next two years before we could, even n^ntion the subject of open meetings. (Copyright) DINAH KNEW HER BUSINESS Of Course Red Dress at Funeral Was Out of Order, but It Did Its Work. Mrs. Blank had in her employ a col ored maid who belonged to a "funeral club," which binds all its members to attend every funeral of a member upon receipt of notification. One afternoon Dinah s mistress saw her come down the stairs, ready to go out, dressed In a bright scarlet dress, with a large scarlet willow plume In her hat and a red parasol In her hand. "Why, Dinah, I thought you were going to a funeral," said Mrs. Blank. "Yes, I'se going to the funeral," said Dinah. "But you ought not to wear red to a funeral," said Mrs. Blank. "You ought to be dressed quietly in a dark dress !" Dinah poked the toe of her shoe with her parasol, and meditated a moment and then said "Well, Ah reckon I won t go back and change now • m Just wear this." Some three weeks after this Dinah approached her mistress and told her that she was going to leave, because she was going to be married. Mrs. Blank expressed her astonishment that Dinah even had an admirer. Dinah simpered, and twisted the corner of her apron, and said "No, I didn't have one until Just lately! Does you remember that funeral Ah went to one time when I wore my red dress? Well, misus, dat shade of red done kotched de eye ob de corpse's husband 1"—. Nautilus. Parting Shot o** 7 ? U L, C ? uldn ' t you learQ to to™ me. Stellar he pleaded. "I don't think I could, Frank." she replied. He stood erect then quickly reached or his hat "It is as I feared—you/are too old yo learn."—Everybody's Maga zine. ^ Proper Result That actress they are advertising 8 way Is a scream." Maybe that Is why they are offying her up so," / "