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THE SPIRIT OP DEMOCRACY.
damilj 3ffebpajcr-8tlrtdi to Jnfc Jarap art gjittc fetos, literature, xi$ u& Sciences, ikcation, gLgricnltere, Parkdsmuscmfdf. VOLUME TO WOODSFIELD, MONROE COUNTY. OHIO. AUGUST 27. 1862 NUMBER 25. THrt &MI 1 OF DEMOCRACY. PUBLISHED KVKKY WEDNESDAY. TKRMS OF SUBSCRIPTION: One dollar and fifty cents per annum, if paid within tbc year: if not paid within the year, a bill will be presented, and if not paid then two dollars will be reqaired. Mo paper will be discontinued, exeept at the option of the publisher, until all arrears are paid. JOB PRINTING Kxeonted with neatness and dispatch at this Of&ee, and at reasonable prices. TERMS OF ADVERTISING: Iter v aqnare i wks. 6 utos. b mo. Si must. 12 m. $ I. I 2. $' t. 4. $. 6. T 37" 5. 6. 7. TT 5T "IT" T 11. T 8. 12. 14. J8. T it 18l ft 30. 2 squares, f oolwnn, J column, 1 column, sJTwetve linos, or lee, will bo charged as one square. 5SAll legal advertisements will be charged Vy the line. gggj Notices of the appolntwent of Ad- JESj jf ministrator's and .Bxetutor's; aleo ,E$ (IT Attachment Mtfoow, must be paid in jgp sJ9T advance. 0TTwenty-ftTA per c-nt. additional will be charged on the prioe of Job work if not paid in advance, and on advertising if not paid be fore taken ont. THE LAW OP NEWSPAPERS. 1. Subscribers who do not give express no tice to the contrary, are considered as wishing to ooutiuue their subscription. 2. If subscribers order the discontinuance of their newspapers, the publisher may continue to send them until all arrearages are paid. S. If subscribers neglect or refuse to take thoi- papers from the offices to which they are directed, they are HI1 respousime WU tncy hare settled the bill, anrt ordered litem awcon tinned. 4. If subsrviber remove to other place without infurmiug the publishers, and the pa pors are sent U) the t'oriuer direotiou, they ar. held rwspouriiMe. 5. The courts have decided that refusing ti take periodicals from the orHce, or removing and leaving them hncattod for, is prima facii evidence of intentions fvrtid. Business Cards. Dr. 1 I JiLACKLKlJl'JK )KSFK0T1'T!.LY bftVrs hh pro Epfifefjji Xl tftltii services te the tdti- CRAYSVILLE Altt vi. i;ity. gg" iUce two doors uth of tat('hl's . Jutj !, it'ii "m pd. J. o. A MO. t. C. MOUKOW. im & MORRUW ATTORNEYS AND COUNSELLORS Woodsjteld. Monroe Co , O. WILL faithfully and promptly attend to all business wntruepted to their care. tgg' Office, two doors uorih of Kowhler' tor. Nov. 6, 18tl ly. JOSEril W. RICHARDSON, Attorney at Law, WOODS FIELD, MONROE CO., OHIO (Of Will piactice in Monroe and adjoining Counties. Office up stairs over Sinclair & lin ker's grocery. July 10, 1861. Attorney & Counsellor AND NOTARY PUBLIC. Woodsfield, Monroe County, Ohio. 2 Particular attention to collecting; will draw and acknowledge all legal instruments of writine. fiT Office two doors south of Mooney's Store, on Main Stieet. June 11, 1801 ly. J. P. SPRIGGS, Attorney & Counsellor at Law CALAIS, OHIO. December 16,1860. JACOB T. MORRILL, Attorney & Counsellor at Law AND NOTARY PUBLIC. Clarington, Monroe County, O. XTTTLL promptly and faithfully attend to YY business entrusted to his care. Com promise and amicable adjustment always first ought, and litigation used only as the last resort. Oct. 31. '60 DR. J. H. PIERSON FPKRShie profwalnual srv-ices " to the citizens of Woodsfield and vicinity. He may always be I 'lind ready to accommodate his numerous patrons at the old stand. My 16, 1S60 ly. r DR. W. G. WLBbT RESPECTFULLY offers his professional ser vices to the eitiaens of Cahikos and vicinity. 4STOffioa at the residence of Mr. John N. Marshall. References are made to Drs. J. G. MoC cLLorc h and Lxw is r a.u io . t, of Beallavflle, Oetober 18, 1660. From the Logan Gazette. MUCH SICKNESS FROM "EXPOSURE TO A DRAFT:' Of the "Danger of Exposure to a Draft." we often read That it generates disorders which are very bad indeed! But the danger from "Exposure to a Draft" was ne'er so great. As, I judge from indications, it has grown to be of late. Of all oar "loyal citizens." I think I can not tell Of more than half a dozen who are "feeling very well;" And so various are the phases of the ill ness from one cause, That I wonder if Dame Nature still is steadfast to her laws. One is halt, and one is blind, a third is deaf as any post; A fourth is gone in consumption, and can hardlv walk at most; A fifth is dying daily from a weakness of the spine, And a sixth is fading slowly in a general decline. There is Jenkins, stalwart-looking, stan ding six feet in is shoes; And his cheeks so plump look ruddy as the sunset's goldon hues; But, A Ins! the fond delusion! 'tis a hectic flush we see 'This a pulmonary Jenkins, who ere long must cease to be. There is Muooins with an abdomen por trusive and rotund. One would think his "constitution as it is" disease had shunned: But the Dropsy, that deceitful and insidi ous complaint. Has begotten his distention "you may ask him if it ha'nt?" If Jeff Davis was a man of any gumption he would know That he wastes his ammunition when he 6hoots a dying foe; Just let him halt in Dixie till a few more months are speed, And I'm sure our "loyal citizens" will nearly all bo de.:d! THE HKllt OF LINN. BY W. J. SMELLING. There is as beautiful a Scotch ballad by i this title as I ever saw in mv life. It m-tde a very strong impression upon me; ! bat ;sthe ballad b not to be found, I will J endedrot to tell the story in very plain prove. The Lnird of Lynn, in Galway, was one oi me ru.-ne.;i lauuea proprietors in Scotland. Besides the lands and dwell ings, he had flocks and herds, and a good stock of gold. Moreover, e was a man of frugal disposition, so th; t the men oi' (ralwiiy avoided his comrany, and the whole town eried shame on him. Nev ertheless, his riches grew and increased to a mighty sum. and there was no telling what heaps of treasure he had concealed. The Laid of Linn did not marry until late in life, and his wife died within a year after his marriage. She left him one child, a son, who was the joy and plague of his existence. Though naturally of a generous disposition, he was wild, reck less and extravagant. SeeiDg and hear ing his father ridiculed for his miserly temper and habits, he resolved at all events i l ii i i ill i not to be like mm, anu spent an ne could lay his hands on, among low, dissolute companions, in riotous living so true it is that one extreme produces another. It was in vain that his father remonstrated with him; he only grew worse as he grew older. At last the Laird of Linn lay on his death-bed. He had outlived all his near relations, and he had no friends, so he was obliged to leave all his substance to his son, and besides, next to his gold, he loved his prodigal heir. Previous to his death he called the heir of Linn to his bedside and thus spoke: " My son, when my lips are cold in death, and my tongue lies silent in the grave, I know how it will be with you. You will spend all the subsistence of your ancestors, and all the gold I got together, in dissipation and extravagance. Never theless, I do not wish my son to live a beggar. Therefore, give heed to my only dying command, and if you disregard it, may a father's dying curse cling to you. The upper chamber in my house in Kip- pietringan is now locked up and the key thrown into the sea. When you have lost both gold and lands, when you are actu ally Buffering for a crust to appease your hunger, break the door open, and you will find a certain relief, but if you break the door open before that time, I say once again, may a father's dying curse cling to you." With these words the old man fell back and expired. The heir of Linn did not long grieve for his parent. He soon after threw open the house to all comers. His forests fell beneath the axe. His chimneys were al ways smoking, u hundred men sat daily at his board, and he bought horses and hounds, and he lent money without count ing it to his dissolute companions; he jested and drank and gambled; as if he could not get rid of all his substance in all these ways, he took no care of his af fairs, but gave up the guidance of thein to a bailiff or steward, named John Scales, who was a knave anil a notorious usurer. John cheated his master iu a varietv of ways, and put more than half his rent into his own pocket. At last, what the heir of Linn's father had forseen, came to pass. His money was all gone, and he had no means of keeping up his excesses, except by selling land; but no one was rich enough to buy them except John Scales, and every one knew how he came by his money. The young Laird was desperately in want of money to pay his gamming ueots, anu was moreover heated with wine, when the j unjust steward offered to buy his estate. It was a hard care, but after much dis cussion he agreed upon the bargain. "Give me your gold, good John Scales, and my hands shall be yours forever," said the heir of Linn. Then John counted down the good clean gold, and a hard bargain his master had of it. For every pound that J ohu agreed to pay, the land was worth three. The last money went like the first, and the heir of Linn was a beggar. He first went to the house that had once been his, but now belonged to John Scales, to seek some relief. He looked at the window of the great banqueting hall, but there was no feasting going on in it. The fire was out and the dinner table taken away, and all was desolate and dismal. "Here's sor ry cheer," said the heir of Linn John would not give him a penny, but told him to go to his friends he had spent so much money upon so foolishly. So ho did, but it did no good. Some pretended not to know him, and none would lend Him even a farthing, or even offer him a dinner, so he wandered about forlorn and hunga ry for two days; for work he could not, and to beg he was ashamed. At last, in his extreme misery, he thought of his father's dying word's. "I have not sold the house in Kippletringan yet," said he, "for no one would buy it. I will go and break open the upper chamber. My fath er said I would find relief there, and per haps he meant " To the house he went and broke the chamber door open. He found relief in deed. There was nothing in the room but one high stool, and directly over it a halter dangling from a hook in the ceiling. He looked up and read these words: " Ah ! graceless wretch and wanton fool! You are ruined forver. Thisisthe ouly relief for tho.-e who have wasted their patrimony as you have done. Behold then: put the hdlter round your neck and then jump from the stool, and save your family from the disgnce of beggary." " Very excellent counsel," said the heir of Linn, "and as I must either hang or starve, 1 think I will take my father's ad vice and hang. It is the shortest death of the two." So he mounted, fastened the halter So he mounted, fastened the halter round his neck, and kicked the stool Irom j unuer. Uiu tne neir oi ijinii as uui iu die. The board into which the hook was driven gve way with his weight, and he fell on "the floor, with a shower of gold rattling about his ears! I will not Bay he felt no pain the next day, but at that mo ment he certainly felt none. Joy rushed to his heart like a torrent, on seeing him- self rescued lrom death and beggary. , aud c tain u Munchausen " of the South -The space between the ceiling and the ern confederacVi thu3 lucidlv cloaes aftor roof contained enormous treasury. On . . ltannrnvoA sU.ifl of ,ntA arrri rescucd from death the upper part of the board lrom which !co ondence.,, (Ha! Villiam, he thought to suspend himself was a let-'.- at company 3) regiment 5, as it ter addressed to him. He tore it open c&mQ pouring forward) "has the Southern and read as follows: Confederacy concluded to submit to the "Pear son, I know your character, and : United gtate3 of America?" What this no expostulation or advice can wean you auswer b j am nofc allowed to from the desperate course you arc pur- feut regt MtiBfied that a suing. Nothing but misery sharper than tfa. haB b(jen donc which j am Qot death, can work the cure. If, therefore, mjtted to divulge; and should this lead, your misfortunes and sufferings should be ; T h it wi to a movement r am not so grievous that you prefer death to their ; suffered tQ make publiC) it cannot fail to endurance, you will not rashly encounter ; & consumulation wbich j am for. them again You have made the trial; . bidden tQ make kaown. But on the take my gold and redeem your lands, and ( Qther hand) the 8tragetic movement, which become a better man 1 1 am not at liberty to describe, should be The heir of Linri did not leave the spot 1 foUowed by a stroke I am restrained from without offering up a prayer to heaven for j explainirig) you win findthe effect it would the soul of a parent whose admirable wis-, bg injudicious in me t0 6et forth, will pro dom had discovered the means ofraising , ducft a con8equence which the war depart hiin from beggary and despair to affluence ' ment denies me the privilege of develop- and of weaning him irom tne ioines anu vices which had so disgraced his character. To evince his gratitude, he resolved to amend his life from that day forward, and become all a father's heart could wish. But he first thought he would make one more trial of his false friends on whom he had wasted his time, his substance and his character. He therefore kept his newly discovered wealth a great secret, until he heard that John Scales was to give a grand entertainment, and all the lords and ladies were to be there. When the heir of Linn entered his father's house, it was crowded with richly dressed gentry, but he was in beggar's rags. He appealed to the charity of the company, saying he was starving. To one he said, "you have dined at my board a thousand times; will you deny me the crumbs that fall from your table?" To another, "I gave you a pair of steeds and trappings." And to another he said, 'I lent you a thousand pounds and never asked you to repay it;' and so on to the rest of the company; but instead of re membering his favors, they reviled him, and called him a spendthrift, beggar, and all manner of vile names. Some said it was a shame that such a wretched object should be suffered to come among them; and one to whom more than all the rest his purse had been opened, called upon a servant to thrust him out of doors. But one man took his part. It was master Richard Lackland, a poor younger son of a wealthy gentleman. He stood ud and said, 'I never ate at the board of the heir of Linn; I never rode his horses or shared his purse, or received a favor from him to the amount of a penny. But what then? He was a worthy gentleman when he had the means. I have twelve eolden nobles, and that is all that I pos- ef8 in the world, and there arc six of them at the service of the man whose hand was never shut to the poor. And, as I am a gentlemen, no man shall lay a finger on him while I have a sword !" A glad man was the heir of Linn to find one man worthy to be his friend. He took the six nobles and advanced towards John Scales, who was standing at the end of the hall, attired in goregous apparel. 'You, at least,' said the heir of Linn, oucht to relieve my necessities, as you've crown rich on my ruin, and I gave you a g00d bargain on my lands.' Then John Scales began to revile him, and to declare that he had given much more than the land was worth; for he did not wish to be reminded of his extortion before so good a company. "No, said he to the heir Linn, if you will but return me half of what I paid you for your father's estate, you shall have it back ""Perhaps I will find friends who will lend me the sum therefore give me a promise under your hand and seal, and I will see what can be done." John Scales knew that but few people of the country had so much money, even if it were a common thing to lend money to a beggar, and he had just seen what reliance was to be placed on friends in such a case. He had not the least idea that the heir of Linn would ever be the owner of one hundreth part of that sum. He therefore called for ink, pen and paper, and sat down before the company and wrote the promise, and right scoifingly gave it to his former master. Then the heir of Linn strode to the window and opened it, and took a bugle from the tattered gaberiting and blew it until the joists and rafters shook with the din. Presently a fair troop of servants rode up, well armed and mounted, lead ing a mule with them laden with treasure. They dismounted and brought the bags of gold into the hall. "My father's lands are my own again!" cried the heir of Linn, joyously; and be fore the company had recovered from their astonishment, he had counted down v to John Scales just the sum he had agreed to take. Turning to his servants he said: "Scourge mo this viper out of the House of Linn, with dog whips." And it was immediately done. The company crowded'around him on receiving his patrimony, and excused their own neglect and ingratitude. But he said to them. " Catliffs, slaves, dogs begone! Pollute the floor of my house no longer! If you enter my grounds again, I will have my servants loose the hounds upon you ! To master Lackland he said: "Come to my arms come to my heart, j mv brother. Live m my home, and share ! with th heir of Linn in all things." And the heir of Linn became another man. and an ornament to his country and a blessing to his tenants. VERY LUCID. The valient wit, Orpheus C. Kerr, of the Mackerel brigade, after describing a fierce equestrian combat between "Villiam Brown, of the united ctates or America, mg. The Retort Courteous. The Indianapolis Sentinel makes the following reply to our disloyal neighbor : AS WB EXPECTED. The Cincinnati Commercial don't like the proceedings of the 30th July Conven tion. We did not expect it would. A paper which has advocated the following sentiments can not have any sympathy with those who are striving to maintain : the Constitution as it is and the Union as it was. The extracts below are copied from editorials in the Commercial: ' War for the subjugation of the Sece ders would be unwise and deplorable." " If there are two nations here who have been living in an unnatural Union, they should, for the benefit of one or both, be separated." "The sun will shine as brightly and the rivers run as clear the cotton fields will be as white and the wheat-fields as golden when we acknowledge the South ern Confederacy." " We are not in favor of blockading the Southern coast. We are not in favor of retaking by force the property of the United States now in the possession of the Seceders. We would recognize the exis tence of a Government formed of all the seceding States, and attempt to cultivate amicable relations with it. j,Two Irishmen were in prison the one for stealing a cow, the other for stealing a watch. 'Hallo, Mike, what o'clock is it?' said the cow stealer to the other. 'And sure, Pat, I haven't any timepiece handy, but I think it is most milking time.' Telegraph Oorrespondence Daily Commercial. General McC'ook's Remains at Louisville Particulars of his Death by Guerrillas Full and Interesting Particulars. Louisville, August 8. The remains of the late General Robert L. McCook reached here this evening in charge of Capts. Burt and Fuchshulter and eleven of the 9th Ohio. They were received at the Nashville depot by Capt. Dillard's Provost Guards and escorted to the Gait House. They leave by train in the morning and will arrive at Cincinnati at noon to-morrow. I have from Capt. Burt the particulars of the death. The brigade left a point fourteen miles below the Tennessee State line forDecherd on the 5th. On the road Gen. McCook, who was unwell, took the advance in a spring wagon, about a mile in advance of the brigade. Suddenly a courier dashed back to the brigade, and said the wagon in which Gen. McCook was riding, had been fired upon by bushwhack ers. Immediately, Col. Vandever, of the 35th Ohio, sent Captain Earheart's Com pany forward on double quick to the res cue, loading as they ran. They met stragglers from McCook's body guard re treating, pursued by rebel cavalry. Shots were exchanged and the rebel cavalry re treated. The Federal infantry were too slow in pursuit, when Capt. Burt, of the 18th Infantry, Lieut. Harris, Captains Fuchshulter, Stangel, and Capt. Thanson, of the 9th Ohio, dashed forward in pur suit of the retreating rebel cavalry. Gen. McCook was then lying on the piazza, at Pettys, four miles from New Market, and a half a mile from the Tennessee State line. They inquired at the farm house for information of McCook, but the peo ple would or could not give information, fearing if his body was found their build ings and property would be destroyed. McCook hearing the inquiries, told them to open the house to his friends. Dr. Gordon, of the 35th Ohio, and Dr. Boyle of the 9th Ohio, came up, examined the wound, pronounced it fatal. The wound was in the bowels, a single ball entering the left side and coming out between the 9th and 10th ribs. When the physicians arrived Gen. McCook was vomiting blood. He was cool and calm to the last, but suffered greatly, giving Capt. Burt and others an account of the assassination. While on the road Gen. McCook met a man in a ravine, and asked him if he knew a good place to encamp. The man told him there was plenty of water on the hill be yond, and seemed anxiou3 to hurry him on. Arriving at the top of the hill, a shot was fired, without effect. As soon as General McCook heard the shot, he told John (his colored servant) to turn back tne wagon; upon them that the bushwhackers were They 6tarted back at full speed, General McCook leaning on his knee?, and assistinw the driver. In the flight a number of shots were fired. Eleven holes were found in the wagon, McCook receiving a single ball. Before the fatal shot was fired, a rebel cavalryman ordered the wagon to halt, leveling a pistol across the horn of his saddle. Gen. McCook told the driver to stop, which the driver was in the act of doing, when the cavalry man ordered a halt the second time ac- companymg the order with a discharge of! the pistol, the ball piercing the General si side. Capt. Brooke, of McCook's staff, implored the cavalryman not to shoot assuring him the wagon was occupied by a sick man. Another bushwhacker rode up with a cocked pistol, but McCook told him that it was no use to shoot; that he was fatally wounded already. Capt. Brooke then conveyed McCook to Petty's house. The negro, John, es caped to a cornfield, as the bushwhackers threatened to kill the Yankee negro. The residents proposed to hide Gen. McCook's body away in the negro quar ters, ferringj as they said, if the Yankee should die on their hands their premises would be burned; but he was permitted to die at the farm house. Recovering from his paroxysm, Gen. McCook said to Captain Burt: " Andy, the problem of life will soon be solved for me." In reply to Father Betty, if he had any message for his brother Alex., he said: " Tell him and the rest I have tried to live as a man, and die attempting to do my duty." To Capt- Burt he said: " My good boy, may your life be longer and to a better purpose than mine." Father Betty, the brigade wagon master was with him in his last moments. Clasping his hand in the death struggle, he said to him: " I am done with life; yes, this ends it all. You and I part now, but the loss of ten thous and such lives as yours and mine would be nothing, if their sacrifice would but save such a Government as ours." Before his death, Gen. McCook sent for Col. Vandever, who drew up his will. In his will he directed that two favorite horses should be given to his brothers, Aleck and Daniel, and the remainder of his property to his mother. It is known to Captain Burt, and others of McCook's 6taff, that the General was deliberately assassinated. The sutler of the 9th Ohio heard the bushwackers ar range the plan for the assassination, but had no opportunity to communicate in formation to Gen. McCook or staff. There is great feeling of indignation and sorrow in this city. The flags on the Custom House an public buildings are at half mast. &c Blessed are they that have no money, for they are in no danger of being robbed. OSS" A lie always needs a truth for a handle to it. The worst lies are those whose handle is true, and whose blade is false A Soldier's Letter to Chandler. A member of the Second (Troy) Regi ment writes as follows to the Troy Whig: Camp near Harrison 's Landing, July 23. Nothing is so discouraging to us down here as to read the speeches of some men who pretend to be loyal citizens. We were so exasperated here when we read Chandler's speech that we could have shot him with a good will. A man who makes such a reckless attack on the commanding General of our army in a time like this is a dangerous person. Chandler makes as sertions which every body down here knows to be false. He enumerated 158, 000 troops as having been placed under the command of General McClellan since he came on the Peninsula, and before the late battles. He names among them Shields' division, which did not arrive un til after the army had reached tne river. He counts every regiment a fnll thousand men, which standard was few and far be tween; two-thirds of that number was about the average of the old regiments, while the new ones were on stronger, owing to the great number of sick left behind at Wash ington. He says that McClellan could have followed the rebels into Richmond after the battle of Fair Oaks. A large portiou of the army was still on the other side of the Chickahominy; it was impossible to move artillery, the guns sink ing to the axle; besides that part of the army then in front was in no condition to follow the rebels; the rebels followed us down here and got the worst of it. Speak ing of the late battles, he says the rebels threw their entire force on our riefht, and that we could have marched into Richmond. He must think the rebel Generals are fools, They certainly showed force enough all Ulon the line. The troops that attacked us on the retreat marched out of Richmond that morning, and were not in the action on the right at all this a rebel Lieuten ant told me; he said that 116 regiments marched out of the city that morning (June 30): they kept bringing up fresh troops. Father Negley and several surgeons have arrived here from Richmond, and say that from Malvern Hill to Richmond was one continuous string of troops, and the troops engaged on the right did not come down this way at all. They say that the rebels have certainly two to our one in men, but in artillery the odds are the other way. BITTER REGRETS. Among the correspondence recently found on board of a captured rebel ves sel was a letter from a prominent citizen of a Southern State to his wife, who is so journing at a distance from home. The writer of the letter had just returned from a visit of a week or two at Richmond, and was writing his wife what he saw there. The bitterness with which he condemns the rebellion and bewails the misery and desolation of his onee happy and prosper ous section of the Union is poured out with all the ferver of sincerity, and we doubt not that he expresses the feelings and hopes of thousands of others who, like him, dare not speak only. The let ter is dated the 30th ultimo. He says: "This accursed attempt of one section to set up an independent government must, sooner or later, fail, and fail ignominiously. I am bound in duty to share in the bur dens, and to do what I may to alleviate the sufferings which the attempt has brought upon those among whom I was born, but 1 will take no office in it the ! highest would be no inducement nor will I share in the terrible responsibility. No words can depict the horrors which I wit nessed both at ltichmond and upon my journey there and back. The deaths then occurring at Richmond were fully equal to one hundred and ntty a day. Dlorc than seventeen thousand sick and wound ed are now in the Richmond hospitals. The recent seeming success of our arms will only serve to accelerate the downfall of our short lived Confederacy." OUR LOSS AT CULPEPPER. Washington, Aug. 3. The official re port shows the following footings in the late battle: 5th Ohio killed 9, wounded 33, missing 10. 7th Ohio killed 55, wounded 14, missing 3, 66th Ohio killed 9, wounded 91, missing 3. 27th Indiana killed 14, wounded 33, missing 10. Total killed, 73; wounded, 357; missing, 41. Sof Never at any time since the begin ing of the war has the spirit of the loyal States been so high or so resolute as it now is. The people freely put all they are and all they have at the command of the Government. If there is not enough generalship and statesmanship amongst us to wield these unlimited means for the salvation of the country, the shame and the pity will be undying Louisville Jour nal. One of the readiest replies we have heard lately, was made by an Irishman. A gentleman traveling on horseback down east came upon an Irishman who was fenc ing in a most barren and desolate piece of land." "What are you fencing in that lot for, Pat?" said he; "a herd of cows would starve to death on that land." "And sure, your honor, wasn't I fencing it to keep the poor bastes out of it?" B A. Good Plan tor the Assessors. Enroll every Abolitionist over 10 and under 100, that is the only way they can be caught. You may keep an old friend a promise made a woman's love a balance at your banker's but never an umbrella. The Quartermaster-General is pre pared to arm regiments as fast as organized HUMOROUS. Wbat is larger ends? A ditch. , for being cat at both What is most likely to become a woman? A. little girl. No sooner had Eve seen Sat(i)n than he wished to clothe herself. Which of the feathered tribe lifts the heaviest weight? The Crane. Widows are like gunpowder, always sure to go off when fired by a match. When may a newspaper reader bt said to have a voracious appetite? When he devours the Post and swallows the Olobe. A man is like an egg: kept in hot water a little while, he may boil soft too long, and he gets hard. Why is the assessor of taxes the best man in the world? Because he never 'un derrates" any body. Why should Africa rightfully be con sidered to rank first of the continents? Because it bears the palm. Why does a boy trying to peep into a garden, remind one of a husband who takes no heed of a scolding wife? Be cause he looks over the railing A person below the middle stature ob served he could boast of two negative qualifications, viz: that he never wore m great coat nor ever lay long in bed. A person reading the funeral service at the grave, forgot the sex of deceased, and asked one of the mourners, an Emeralder: 'Is this a brother or sister?" "Neither," replied Pat; "ouly a cousin.' A sixty -nine pounder shell burst new an Irishman in one of the trenches. Pat coolly surveyed the ruins the fragment had made, and exclaimed, "Be jabers! thim's the fellows to soften the wax inn man's ear!" The Farmer s Journal says that 'there is great art in making good cheese." Yes; fresh cheese is an admirable production oi an, ana a very old one is often arm specimen of "animated nature.' "John," Baid Dean Ramsay, "I'm ye ken that a rollin' stane gathers nae moss?" "Ay," rejoined John, "that's true: but can you tell me what guid the moss does to the stane?" Says little three-years old Ruth: "Paps please buy me a muff, whsn yon go to Bos ton." Sister Minnie, standing by, says." "You are too little to have a muff." "Am I too little to be cold?" tejoins ia dignant little Ruth. "You will upset the tray, and brealtnfl the dishes on it" said an anxious mother to her daughter. "Oh no, mother," retorted the witty girl. "I shall break all the dishes off it, if it upsets!" Some one blamed Mr. March for cnang- ing his mind. "Well," said he, "that is the difference between a man and a jackass; the jackass can't change his mind and a man can-i-it's a human privilege." Old maid: "What, nine months old and not walk yet? Why, when I was a baby I went alone even at six months." Young indignant mother(mutteting to her self:) "Hnmph! Guess you've been alone ever since!" "I wish you Would hot smoke cigars," said a plump little black-eyed girl to her lover. "Why may I not smoke as well as ; your cnimney; -'isecanse chimneys don t smote when they are in good order He has quitt, smoking. A spoiled bov of eieht years, havina? ; made what he considered a remarkaKU ! speech, just before his grandfather j into dinner, eaid to his mother, in a drawl- a ing tone: "Ma, why don't yon tell grandpa that that I said," "Will you have some catsup?" asked a gentleman of Aunt Priscilla, at a dinner table. "Dear me, no," she replied, witk a shudder; "I'm fond of cats in their plant, but I should as soon think of eating dosr soup. THE The gentleman did not org her. EMPIRE OF HEALTH WHO WIELDS ITS SCEPTRE, Universal Empire has been the darling object of scores of despots, dynasties, and states, from the time of the Pharaohs to that of Napoleon le Grand. Seas f Mood have been shod to attain it, and the bona of the myriads who have been slaughtered in the pursuit of this chimera, would, if they could be collected into one masty ovirtop the highest peak of the Himalay an mountains. Rome came nearest tne consummation, yet even she was never, in truth, the absolute "Mistress of the World," Yet there is a species of universal em pire which ha been attained. It is am empire not over the souls and bodies of mankind, but over their disease. The conqueror who has achieved this grand result, is Doctor IIoxloway, of London; at least wc are taught to believe that he has done ;o by vouchers from all parts of the Christian and heathen world, which seem to be irrefutable, and which, in fact, so far as we know, have never been chal lenged. His Pills and Ointment are "universal remedies" in a double Mate. They are disseminated throughout the habitable globe, and they are (so "crowds of witnesses'' assure us) universally $mc-c-essful. In tins country it is quite certain thai the Pills are used with tne most beneficial effect in disorders of the stomach, lirer and bowels, and that scrofula, and all the family of eruptive diseases and disoharg. ing sores, give way to the healing opera tion of the Ointment. Surely the noblest of all universal em pires is that which stretches its healit sceptre over the maladies of all ,"Dai( liook."