THE SPIRIT OP DEMOCRACY.
damilj 3ffebpajcr-8tlrtdi to Jnfc Jarap art gjittc fetos, literature, xi$ u& Sciences, ikcation, gLgricnltere, Parkdsmuscmfdf.
WOODSFIELD, MONROE COUNTY. OHIO. AUGUST 27. 1862
THrt &MI 1 OF DEMOCRACY.
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Dr. 1 I JiLACKLKlJl'JK
)KSFK0T1'T!.LY bftVrs hh pro
Epfifefjji Xl tftltii services te the tdti-
Altt vi. i;ity. gg" iUce two doors uth of
Jutj !, it'ii "m pd.
J. o. A MO.
t. C. MOUKOW.
im & MORRUW
ATTORNEYS AND COUNSELLORS
Woodsjteld. Monroe Co , O.
WILL faithfully and promptly attend to
all business wntruepted to their care.
tgg' Office, two doors uorih of Kowhler'
Nov. 6, 18tl ly.
JOSEril W. RICHARDSON,
Attorney at Law,
WOODS FIELD, MONROE CO., OHIO
(Of Will piactice in Monroe and adjoining
Counties. Office up stairs over Sinclair & lin
July 10, 1861.
Attorney & Counsellor
Woodsfield, Monroe County, Ohio.
2 Particular attention to collecting; will
draw and acknowledge all legal instruments of
fiT Office two doors south of Mooney's
Store, on Main Stieet.
June 11, 1801 ly.
J. P. SPRIGGS,
Attorney & Counsellor at Law
JACOB T. MORRILL,
Attorney & Counsellor at Law
Clarington, Monroe County, O.
XTTTLL promptly and faithfully attend to
YY business entrusted to his care. Com
promise and amicable adjustment always first
ought, and litigation used only as the last
resort. Oct. 31. '60
DR. J. H. PIERSON
FPKRShie profwalnual srv-ices
" to the citizens of Woodsfield
and vicinity. He may always be
I 'lind ready to accommodate his
numerous patrons at the old stand.
My 16, 1S60 ly.
r DR. W. G. WLBbT
RESPECTFULLY offers his professional ser
vices to the eitiaens of Cahikos and
4STOffioa at the residence of Mr. John N.
Marshall. References are made to Drs. J. G.
MoC cLLorc h and Lxw is r a.u io . t, of Beallavflle,
Oetober 18, 1660.
From the Logan Gazette.
FROM "EXPOSURE TO A DRAFT:'
Of the "Danger of Exposure to a Draft."
we often read
That it generates disorders which are very
But the danger from "Exposure to a
Draft" was ne'er so great.
As, I judge from indications, it has grown
to be of late.
Of all oar "loyal citizens." I think I can
Of more than half a dozen who are "feeling
And so various are the phases of the ill
ness from one cause,
That I wonder if Dame Nature still is
steadfast to her laws.
One is halt, and one is blind, a third is
deaf as any post;
A fourth is gone in consumption, and can
hardlv walk at most;
A fifth is dying daily from a weakness of
And a sixth is fading slowly in a general
There is Jenkins, stalwart-looking, stan
ding six feet in is shoes;
And his cheeks so plump look ruddy as
the sunset's goldon hues;
But, A Ins! the fond delusion! 'tis a hectic
flush we see
'This a pulmonary Jenkins, who ere long
must cease to be.
There is Muooins with an abdomen por
trusive and rotund.
One would think his "constitution as it is"
disease had shunned:
But the Dropsy, that deceitful and insidi
Has begotten his distention "you may
ask him if it ha'nt?"
If Jeff Davis was a man of any gumption
he would know
That he wastes his ammunition when he
6hoots a dying foe;
Just let him halt in Dixie till a few more
months are speed,
And I'm sure our "loyal citizens" will
nearly all bo de.:d!
THE HKllt OF LINN.
BY W. J. SMELLING.
There is as beautiful a Scotch ballad by i
this title as I ever saw in mv life. It
m-tde a very strong impression upon me; !
bat ;sthe ballad b not to be found, I will J
endedrot to tell the story in very plain
The Lnird of Lynn, in Galway, was
one oi me ru.-ne.;i lauuea proprietors in
Scotland. Besides the lands and dwell
ings, he had flocks and herds, and a good
stock of gold. Moreover, e was a man
of frugal disposition, so th; t the men oi'
(ralwiiy avoided his comrany, and the
whole town eried shame on him. Nev
ertheless, his riches grew and increased to
a mighty sum. and there was no telling
what heaps of treasure he had concealed.
The Laid of Linn did not marry until
late in life, and his wife died within a
year after his marriage. She left him one
child, a son, who was the joy and plague
of his existence. Though naturally of a
generous disposition, he was wild, reck
less and extravagant. SeeiDg and hear
ing his father ridiculed for his miserly
temper and habits, he resolved at all events i
l ii i i ill i
not to be like mm, anu spent an ne could
lay his hands on, among low, dissolute
companions, in riotous living so true it
is that one extreme produces another. It
was in vain that his father remonstrated
with him; he only grew worse as he grew
At last the Laird of Linn lay on his
death-bed. He had outlived all his near
relations, and he had no friends, so he was
obliged to leave all his substance to his
son, and besides, next to his gold, he loved
his prodigal heir. Previous to his death
he called the heir of Linn to his bedside
and thus spoke:
" My son, when my lips are cold in
death, and my tongue lies silent in the
grave, I know how it will be with you.
You will spend all the subsistence of your
ancestors, and all the gold I got together,
in dissipation and extravagance. Never
theless, I do not wish my son to live a
beggar. Therefore, give heed to my only
dying command, and if you disregard it,
may a father's dying curse cling to you.
The upper chamber in my house in Kip-
pietringan is now locked up and the key
thrown into the sea. When you have lost
both gold and lands, when you are actu
ally Buffering for a crust to appease your
hunger, break the door open, and you
will find a certain relief, but if you break
the door open before that time, I say once
again, may a father's dying curse cling to
With these words the old man fell back
The heir of Linn did not long grieve
for his parent. He soon after threw open
the house to all comers. His forests fell
beneath the axe. His chimneys were al
ways smoking, u hundred men sat daily at
his board, and he bought horses and
hounds, and he lent money without count
ing it to his dissolute companions; he
jested and drank and gambled; as if he
could not get rid of all his substance in
all these ways, he took no care of his af
fairs, but gave up the guidance of thein
to a bailiff or steward, named John Scales,
who was a knave anil a notorious usurer.
John cheated his master iu a varietv of
ways, and put more than half his rent
into his own pocket.
At last, what the heir of Linn's father
had forseen, came to pass. His money
was all gone, and he had no means of
keeping up his excesses, except by selling
land; but no one was rich enough to buy
them except John Scales, and every one
knew how he came by his money. The
young Laird was desperately in want of
money to pay his gamming ueots, anu
was moreover heated with wine, when the j
unjust steward offered to buy his estate.
It was a hard care, but after much dis
cussion he agreed upon the bargain.
"Give me your gold, good John Scales,
and my hands shall be yours forever,"
said the heir of Linn.
Then John counted down the good clean
gold, and a hard bargain his master had
of it. For every pound that J ohu agreed
to pay, the land was worth three.
The last money went like the first, and
the heir of Linn was a beggar. He first
went to the house that had once been his,
but now belonged to John Scales, to seek
some relief. He looked at the window of
the great banqueting hall, but there was
no feasting going on in it. The fire was
out and the dinner table taken away, and
all was desolate and dismal. "Here's sor
ry cheer," said the heir of Linn
John would not give him a penny, but
told him to go to his friends he had spent
so much money upon so foolishly. So ho
did, but it did no good. Some pretended
not to know him, and none would lend Him
even a farthing, or even offer him a dinner,
so he wandered about forlorn and hunga
ry for two days; for work he could not,
and to beg he was ashamed. At last, in
his extreme misery, he thought of his
father's dying word's. "I have not sold
the house in Kippletringan yet," said he,
"for no one would buy it. I will go and
break open the upper chamber. My fath
er said I would find relief there, and per
haps he meant "
To the house he went and broke the
chamber door open. He found relief in
deed. There was nothing in the room but one
high stool, and directly over it a halter
dangling from a hook in the ceiling. He
looked up and read these words:
" Ah ! graceless wretch and wanton
fool! You are ruined forver. Thisisthe
ouly relief for tho.-e who have wasted their
patrimony as you have done. Behold
then: put the hdlter round your neck and
then jump from the stool, and save your
family from the disgnce of beggary."
" Very excellent counsel," said the heir
of Linn, "and as I must either hang or
starve, 1 think I will take my father's ad
vice and hang. It is the shortest death
of the two."
So he mounted, fastened the halter
So he mounted, fastened the halter
round his neck, and kicked the stool Irom j
unuer. Uiu tne neir oi ijinii as uui iu
die. The board into which the hook was
driven gve way with his weight, and he
fell on "the floor, with a shower of gold
rattling about his ears! I will not Bay he
felt no pain the next day, but at that mo
ment he certainly felt none. Joy rushed
to his heart like a torrent, on seeing him-
self rescued lrom death and beggary. , aud c tain u Munchausen " of the South -The
space between the ceiling and the ern confederacVi thu3 lucidlv cloaes aftor
roof contained enormous treasury. On . . ltannrnvoA sU.ifl of ,ntA arrri
rescucd from death
the upper part of the board lrom which !co ondence.,, (Ha! Villiam,
he thought to suspend himself was a let-'.- at company 3) regiment 5, as it
ter addressed to him. He tore it open c&mQ pouring forward) "has the Southern
and read as follows: Confederacy concluded to submit to the
"Pear son, I know your character, and : United gtate3 of America?" What this
no expostulation or advice can wean you auswer b j am nofc allowed to
from the desperate course you arc pur- feut regt MtiBfied that a
suing. Nothing but misery sharper than tfa. haB b(jen donc which j am Qot
death, can work the cure. If, therefore, mjtted to divulge; and should this lead,
your misfortunes and sufferings should be ; T h it wi to a movement r am not
so grievous that you prefer death to their ; suffered tQ make publiC) it cannot fail to
endurance, you will not rashly encounter ; & consumulation wbich j am for.
them again You have made the trial; . bidden tQ make kaown. But on the
take my gold and redeem your lands, and ( Qther hand) the 8tragetic movement, which
become a better man 1 1 am not at liberty to describe, should be
The heir of Linri did not leave the spot 1 foUowed by a stroke I am restrained from
without offering up a prayer to heaven for j explainirig) you win findthe effect it would
the soul of a parent whose admirable wis-, bg injudicious in me t0 6et forth, will pro
dom had discovered the means ofraising , ducft a con8equence which the war depart
hiin from beggary and despair to affluence ' ment denies me the privilege of develop-
and of weaning him irom tne ioines anu
vices which had so disgraced his character.
To evince his gratitude, he resolved to
amend his life from that day forward, and
become all a father's heart could wish.
But he first thought he would make one
more trial of his false friends on whom
he had wasted his time, his substance and
his character. He therefore kept his
newly discovered wealth a great secret,
until he heard that John Scales was to
give a grand entertainment, and all the
lords and ladies were to be there.
When the heir of Linn entered his
father's house, it was crowded with richly
dressed gentry, but he was in beggar's
rags. He appealed to the charity of the
company, saying he was starving.
To one he said, "you have dined at my
board a thousand times; will you deny
me the crumbs that fall from your table?"
To another, "I gave you a pair of steeds
and trappings." And to another he said,
'I lent you a thousand pounds and never
asked you to repay it;' and so on to the
rest of the company; but instead of re
membering his favors, they reviled him,
and called him a spendthrift, beggar, and
all manner of vile names. Some said it
was a shame that such a wretched object
should be suffered to come among them;
and one to whom more than all the rest
his purse had been opened, called upon a
servant to thrust him out of doors.
But one man took his part. It was
master Richard Lackland, a poor younger
son of a wealthy gentleman. He stood
ud and said, 'I never ate at the board of
the heir of Linn; I never rode his horses
or shared his purse, or received a favor
from him to the amount of a penny. But
what then? He was a worthy gentleman
when he had the means. I have twelve
eolden nobles, and that is all that I pos-
ef8 in the world, and there arc six of
them at the service of the man whose
hand was never shut to the poor. And,
as I am a gentlemen, no man shall lay a
finger on him while I have a sword !"
A glad man was the heir of Linn to find
one man worthy to be his friend. He took
the six nobles and advanced towards John
Scales, who was standing at the end of
the hall, attired in goregous apparel.
'You, at least,' said the heir of Linn,
oucht to relieve my necessities, as you've
crown rich on my ruin, and I gave you a
g00d bargain on my lands.'
Then John Scales began to revile him,
and to declare that he had given much
more than the land was worth; for he did
not wish to be reminded of his extortion
before so good a company.
"No, said he to the heir Linn, if you will
but return me half of what I paid you for
your father's estate, you shall have it back
""Perhaps I will find friends who will
lend me the sum therefore give me a
promise under your hand and seal, and I
will see what can be done."
John Scales knew that but few people
of the country had so much money, even
if it were a common thing to lend money
to a beggar, and he had just seen what
reliance was to be placed on friends in
such a case. He had not the least idea
that the heir of Linn would ever be the
owner of one hundreth part of that sum.
He therefore called for ink, pen and paper,
and sat down before the company and
wrote the promise, and right scoifingly
gave it to his former master.
Then the heir of Linn strode to the
window and opened it, and took a bugle
from the tattered gaberiting and blew it
until the joists and rafters shook with the
din. Presently a fair troop of servants
rode up, well armed and mounted, lead
ing a mule with them laden with treasure.
They dismounted and brought the bags of
gold into the hall.
"My father's lands are my own again!"
cried the heir of Linn, joyously; and be
fore the company had recovered from their
astonishment, he had counted down v to
John Scales just the sum he had agreed
to take. Turning to his servants he said:
"Scourge mo this viper out of the House
of Linn, with dog whips." And it was
The company crowded'around him on
receiving his patrimony, and excused their
own neglect and ingratitude. But he
said to them.
" Catliffs, slaves, dogs begone! Pollute
the floor of my house no longer! If you
enter my grounds again, I will have
my servants loose the hounds upon you !
To master Lackland he said:
"Come to my arms come to my heart,
j mv brother. Live m my home, and share
! with th heir of Linn in all things."
And the heir of Linn became another
man. and an ornament to his country and
a blessing to his tenants.
The valient wit, Orpheus C. Kerr, of
the Mackerel brigade, after describing a
fierce equestrian combat between "Villiam
Brown, of the united ctates or America,
The Retort Courteous.
The Indianapolis Sentinel makes the
following reply to our disloyal neighbor :
AS WB EXPECTED.
The Cincinnati Commercial don't like
the proceedings of the 30th July Conven
tion. We did not expect it would. A
paper which has advocated the following
sentiments can not have any sympathy
with those who are striving to maintain
: the Constitution as it is and the Union as
it was. The extracts below are copied
from editorials in the Commercial:
' War for the subjugation of the Sece
ders would be unwise and deplorable."
" If there are two nations here who have
been living in an unnatural Union, they
should, for the benefit of one or both, be
"The sun will shine as brightly and
the rivers run as clear the cotton fields
will be as white and the wheat-fields as
golden when we acknowledge the South
" We are not in favor of blockading the
Southern coast. We are not in favor of
retaking by force the property of the
United States now in the possession of the
Seceders. We would recognize the exis
tence of a Government formed of all the
seceding States, and attempt to cultivate
amicable relations with it.
j,Two Irishmen were in prison
the one for stealing a cow, the other for
stealing a watch. 'Hallo, Mike, what
o'clock is it?' said the cow stealer to the
other. 'And sure, Pat, I haven't any
timepiece handy, but I think it is most
Telegraph Oorrespondence Daily Commercial.
General McC'ook's Remains at
Louisville Particulars of his Death by
Guerrillas Full and Interesting Particulars.
Louisville, August 8.
The remains of the late General Robert
L. McCook reached here this evening in
charge of Capts. Burt and Fuchshulter
and eleven of the 9th Ohio. They were
received at the Nashville depot by Capt.
Dillard's Provost Guards and escorted to
the Gait House. They leave by train in
the morning and will arrive at Cincinnati
at noon to-morrow.
I have from Capt. Burt the particulars
of the death. The brigade left a point
fourteen miles below the Tennessee State
line forDecherd on the 5th. On the road
Gen. McCook, who was unwell, took the
advance in a spring wagon, about a mile
in advance of the brigade. Suddenly a
courier dashed back to the brigade, and
said the wagon in which Gen. McCook was
riding, had been fired upon by bushwhack
ers. Immediately, Col. Vandever, of the
35th Ohio, sent Captain Earheart's Com
pany forward on double quick to the res
cue, loading as they ran. They met
stragglers from McCook's body guard re
treating, pursued by rebel cavalry. Shots
were exchanged and the rebel cavalry re
treated. The Federal infantry were too
slow in pursuit, when Capt. Burt, of the
18th Infantry, Lieut. Harris, Captains
Fuchshulter, Stangel, and Capt. Thanson,
of the 9th Ohio, dashed forward in pur
suit of the retreating rebel cavalry. Gen.
McCook was then lying on the piazza, at
Pettys, four miles from New Market, and
a half a mile from the Tennessee State
line. They inquired at the farm house
for information of McCook, but the peo
ple would or could not give information,
fearing if his body was found their build
ings and property would be destroyed.
McCook hearing the inquiries, told them
to open the house to his friends. Dr.
Gordon, of the 35th Ohio, and Dr. Boyle
of the 9th Ohio, came up, examined the
wound, pronounced it fatal. The wound
was in the bowels, a single ball entering
the left side and coming out between the
9th and 10th ribs. When the physicians
arrived Gen. McCook was vomiting blood.
He was cool and calm to the last, but
suffered greatly, giving Capt. Burt and
others an account of the assassination.
While on the road Gen. McCook met a man
in a ravine, and asked him if he knew a
good place to encamp. The man told him
there was plenty of water on the hill be
yond, and seemed anxiou3 to hurry
Arriving at the top of the hill, a shot
was fired, without effect. As soon as
General McCook heard the shot, he told
John (his colored servant) to turn back
that the bushwhackers were
They 6tarted back at full
speed, General McCook leaning on his
knee?, and assistinw the driver. In the
flight a number of shots were fired. Eleven
holes were found in the wagon, McCook
receiving a single ball. Before the fatal
shot was fired, a rebel cavalryman ordered
the wagon to halt, leveling a pistol across
the horn of his saddle. Gen. McCook
told the driver to stop, which the driver
was in the act of doing, when the cavalry
man ordered a halt the second time ac-
companymg the order with a discharge of!
the pistol, the ball piercing the General si
side. Capt. Brooke, of McCook's staff,
implored the cavalryman not to shoot
assuring him the wagon was occupied by
a sick man. Another bushwhacker rode
up with a cocked pistol, but McCook told
him that it was no use to shoot; that he
was fatally wounded already.
Capt. Brooke then conveyed McCook
to Petty's house. The negro, John, es
caped to a cornfield, as the bushwhackers
threatened to kill the Yankee negro.
The residents proposed to hide Gen.
McCook's body away in the negro quar
ters, ferringj as they said, if the Yankee
should die on their hands their premises
would be burned; but he was permitted to
die at the farm house.
Recovering from his paroxysm, Gen.
McCook said to Captain Burt: " Andy,
the problem of life will soon be solved for
me." In reply to Father Betty, if he had
any message for his brother Alex., he
said: " Tell him and the rest I have tried
to live as a man, and die attempting to do
To Capt- Burt he said: " My good boy,
may your life be longer and to a better
purpose than mine." Father Betty, the
brigade wagon master was with him in his
last moments. Clasping his hand in the
death struggle, he said to him: " I am
done with life; yes, this ends it all. You
and I part now, but the loss of ten thous
and such lives as yours and mine would
be nothing, if their sacrifice would but
save such a Government as ours."
Before his death, Gen. McCook sent for
Col. Vandever, who drew up his will. In
his will he directed that two favorite
horses should be given to his brothers,
Aleck and Daniel, and the remainder of
his property to his mother.
It is known to Captain Burt, and others
of McCook's 6taff, that the General was
deliberately assassinated. The sutler of
the 9th Ohio heard the bushwackers ar
range the plan for the assassination, but
had no opportunity to communicate in
formation to Gen. McCook or staff.
There is great feeling of indignation
and sorrow in this city. The flags on the
Custom House an public buildings are at
&c Blessed are they that have no
money, for they are in no danger of being
OSS" A lie always needs a truth for a
handle to it. The worst lies are those
whose handle is true, and whose blade is
A Soldier's Letter to Chandler.
A member of the Second (Troy) Regi
ment writes as follows to the Troy Whig:
Camp near Harrison 's Landing, July 23.
Nothing is so discouraging to us down
here as to read the speeches of some men
who pretend to be loyal citizens. We
were so exasperated here when we read
Chandler's speech that we could have shot
him with a good will. A man who makes
such a reckless attack on the commanding
General of our army in a time like this is
a dangerous person. Chandler makes as
sertions which every body down here
knows to be false. He enumerated 158,
000 troops as having been placed under
the command of General McClellan since
he came on the Peninsula, and before the
late battles. He names among them
Shields' division, which did not arrive un
til after the army had reached tne river.
He counts every regiment a fnll thousand
men, which standard was few and far be
tween; two-thirds of that number was about
the average of the old regiments, while the
new ones were on stronger, owing to the
great number of sick left behind at Wash
ington. He says that McClellan could
have followed the rebels into Richmond
after the battle of Fair Oaks.
A large portiou of the army was still on
the other side of the Chickahominy; it was
impossible to move artillery, the guns sink
ing to the axle; besides that part of the
army then in front was in no condition to
follow the rebels; the rebels followed us
down here and got the worst of it. Speak
ing of the late battles, he says the rebels
threw their entire force on our riefht, and
that we could have marched into Richmond.
He must think the rebel Generals are fools,
They certainly showed force enough all
Ulon the line. The troops that attacked
us on the retreat marched out of Richmond
that morning, and were not in the action
on the right at all this a rebel Lieuten
ant told me; he said that 116 regiments
marched out of the city that morning (June
30): they kept bringing up fresh troops.
Father Negley and several surgeons have
arrived here from Richmond, and say that
from Malvern Hill to Richmond was one
continuous string of troops, and the troops
engaged on the right did not come down
this way at all. They say that the rebels
have certainly two to our one in men, but
in artillery the odds are the other way.
Among the correspondence recently
found on board of a captured rebel ves
sel was a letter from a prominent citizen
of a Southern State to his wife, who is so
journing at a distance from home. The
writer of the letter had just returned
from a visit of a week or two at Richmond,
and was writing his wife what he saw there.
The bitterness with which he condemns
the rebellion and bewails the misery and
desolation of his onee happy and prosper
ous section of the Union is poured out
with all the ferver of sincerity, and we
doubt not that he expresses the feelings
and hopes of thousands of others who,
like him, dare not speak only. The let
ter is dated the 30th ultimo. He says:
"This accursed attempt of one section
to set up an independent government must,
sooner or later, fail, and fail ignominiously.
I am bound in duty to share in the bur
dens, and to do what I may to alleviate
the sufferings which the attempt has
brought upon those among whom I was
born, but 1 will take no office in it the
! highest would be no inducement nor will
I share in the terrible responsibility. No
words can depict the horrors which I wit
nessed both at ltichmond and upon my
journey there and back. The deaths then
occurring at Richmond were fully equal
to one hundred and ntty a day. Dlorc
than seventeen thousand sick and wound
ed are now in the Richmond hospitals.
The recent seeming success of our arms
will only serve to accelerate the downfall
of our short lived Confederacy."
OUR LOSS AT CULPEPPER.
Washington, Aug. 3. The official re
port shows the following footings in the
late battle: 5th Ohio killed 9, wounded
33, missing 10. 7th Ohio killed 55,
wounded 14, missing 3, 66th Ohio
killed 9, wounded 91, missing 3. 27th
Indiana killed 14, wounded 33, missing
10. Total killed, 73; wounded, 357;
Sof Never at any time since the begin
ing of the war has the spirit of the loyal
States been so high or so resolute as it
now is. The people freely put all they
are and all they have at the command of
the Government. If there is not enough
generalship and statesmanship amongst us
to wield these unlimited means for the
salvation of the country, the shame and
the pity will be undying Louisville Jour
nal. One of the readiest replies we have
heard lately, was made by an Irishman.
A gentleman traveling on horseback down
east came upon an Irishman who was fenc
ing in a most barren and desolate piece of
"What are you fencing in that lot for,
Pat?" said he; "a herd of cows would starve
to death on that land."
"And sure, your honor, wasn't I fencing
it to keep the poor bastes out of it?"
B A. Good Plan tor the Assessors.
Enroll every Abolitionist over 10 and
under 100, that is the only way they can
You may keep an old friend a
promise made a woman's love a balance
at your banker's but never an umbrella.
The Quartermaster-General is pre
pared to arm regiments as fast as organized
Wbat is larger
ends? A ditch.
for being cat at both
What is most likely to become a woman?
A. little girl.
No sooner had Eve seen Sat(i)n than
he wished to clothe herself.
Which of the feathered tribe lifts the
heaviest weight? The Crane.
Widows are like gunpowder, always
sure to go off when fired by a match.
When may a newspaper reader bt said
to have a voracious appetite? When he
devours the Post and swallows the Olobe.
A man is like an egg: kept in hot water
a little while, he may boil soft too long,
and he gets hard.
Why is the assessor of taxes the best
man in the world? Because he never 'un
derrates" any body.
Why should Africa rightfully be con
sidered to rank first of the continents?
Because it bears the palm.
Why does a boy trying to peep into a
garden, remind one of a husband who
takes no heed of a scolding wife? Be
cause he looks over the railing
A person below the middle stature ob
served he could boast of two negative
qualifications, viz: that he never wore m
great coat nor ever lay long in bed.
A person reading the funeral service at
the grave, forgot the sex of deceased, and
asked one of the mourners, an Emeralder:
'Is this a brother or sister?" "Neither,"
replied Pat; "ouly a cousin.'
A sixty -nine pounder shell burst new
an Irishman in one of the trenches. Pat
coolly surveyed the ruins the fragment
had made, and exclaimed, "Be jabers!
thim's the fellows to soften the wax inn
The Farmer s Journal says that 'there
is great art in making good cheese." Yes;
fresh cheese is an admirable production
oi an, ana a very old one is often
specimen of "animated nature.'
"John," Baid Dean Ramsay, "I'm
ye ken that a rollin' stane gathers nae
moss?" "Ay," rejoined John, "that's
true: but can you tell me what guid the
moss does to the stane?"
Says little three-years old Ruth: "Paps
please buy me a muff, whsn yon go to Bos
ton." Sister Minnie, standing by, says."
"You are too little to have a muff."
"Am I too little to be cold?" tejoins ia
dignant little Ruth.
"You will upset the tray, and brealtnfl
the dishes on it" said an anxious mother
to her daughter. "Oh no, mother," retorted
the witty girl. "I shall break all the dishes
off it, if it upsets!"
Some one blamed Mr. March for cnang-
ing his mind. "Well," said he, "that is
the difference between a man and a jackass;
the jackass can't change his mind and a
man can-i-it's a human privilege."
Old maid: "What, nine months old
and not walk yet? Why, when I was a
baby I went alone even at six months."
Young indignant mother(mutteting to her
self:) "Hnmph! Guess you've been alone
"I wish you Would hot smoke cigars,"
said a plump little black-eyed girl to her
lover. "Why may I not smoke as well as
; your cnimney; -'isecanse chimneys don t
smote when they are in good order He
has quitt, smoking.
A spoiled bov of eieht years, havina?
; made what he considered a remarkaKU
! speech, just before his grandfather
j into dinner, eaid to his mother, in a drawl-
ing tone: "Ma, why don't yon tell grandpa
that that I said,"
"Will you have some catsup?" asked a
gentleman of Aunt Priscilla, at a dinner
table. "Dear me, no," she replied, witk
a shudder; "I'm fond of cats in their plant,
but I should as soon think of eating dosr
The gentleman did not org her.
EMPIRE OF HEALTH WHO
WIELDS ITS SCEPTRE,
Universal Empire has been the darling
object of scores of despots, dynasties, and
states, from the time of the Pharaohs to
that of Napoleon le Grand. Seas f Mood
have been shod to attain it, and the bona
of the myriads who have been slaughtered
in the pursuit of this chimera, would, if
they could be collected into one masty
ovirtop the highest peak of the Himalay
an mountains. Rome came nearest tne
consummation, yet even she was never, in
truth, the absolute "Mistress of the
Yet there is a species of universal em
pire which ha been attained. It is am
empire not over the souls and bodies of
mankind, but over their disease. The
conqueror who has achieved this grand
result, is Doctor IIoxloway, of London;
at least wc are taught to believe that he
has done ;o by vouchers from all parts of
the Christian and heathen world, which
seem to be irrefutable, and which, in fact,
so far as we know, have never been chal
lenged. His Pills and Ointment are
"universal remedies" in a double Mate.
They are disseminated throughout the
habitable globe, and they are (so "crowds
of witnesses'' assure us) universally $mc-c-essful.
In tins country it is quite certain thai
the Pills are used with tne most beneficial
effect in disorders of the stomach, lirer
and bowels, and that scrofula, and all the
family of eruptive diseases and disoharg.
ing sores, give way to the healing opera
tion of the Ointment.
Surely the noblest of all universal em
pires is that which stretches its healit
sceptre over the maladies of all
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