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4mi m T3lJ f. & JfaJnilg Stbspaptr-gclwldr to folitia, Jjorap aab tnM Uxtos, Ifc&w, t ris atUr Sciences, location, jricnltew, Packets, nmsnmrf, ifr. VOLUME XXII. WOODSFIELD, MONROE COUNTY, OHIO. MAIICH 22, 1805. NUMBER a L- OP DEMOCRACY. r B 1 .1 I fl I I lu i n fii XHtSWJUTOF DEMOCRACY PUBLISHED KV KY WEDS ESI) A V - .SrtOHS.r.' K'l . , TERMS OP SUBSCRIPTION: Two dollars per annum, if paid in advance; ind two dollars and fifty ceiits if not paid in , No paper will be discontinued, except at the ojti of the publisher, until all arrears are paid. k jjir . ... . . JOB PE Executed with neatness and dispatch at this office and at reasonable prices. TERMS OP ADVERTISING t One square, three weekr . . $2,ft ' One square, three months . . $4,00 One square, six months . . $0,00 - ; One sqTrarc, nine nioiithB . . $8.00 One square, twelve mouths . $10, 0 J- Column, one year . . . $25,00 do do ... $50,00 -1 do do ... $80,00 (Twelve IUes, or less, will be cbarged as !(JSyiUega advertisements trill be charged ty the line. tgg' .Notices of the appointment ef Ad- .JSJ Siuuiistiater's and Executor's; also ,BJ Attainment Notices, must be paid in J jkjf advance. ijfjf Twenty-five per cent, additional will be charged on the price of job work if not paid in advance, and on advertising if not paid be fore taken out. THB LAW OP NEWSPAPERS. 1. Subscribers who do not give express no tide to the uwntrary, are considered as wishing to oontinne their subscription. 2. If subscribers order the discontinuance of hetr newspapers, the publisher may continue to send tbem until all arrearages are paid. If subscribers neglect or refuse to take tUei- papers from the offices to which they are dwectd, they are held responsible till they Lave settled the bill, ana ordered tuem discon tinned. 4 If subscribers remove to other places without informing the publishers, and the ps-1 pers are sent to the former direction, tuey are, held responsible. 5. The courts have decided that refusing toj take periodicals from the ofhee, or removing arid leaving thent uncalled for, i3 prima facie evidence f intentional fraud. Professional Cards- U ,.1 I " JAMES R. 'MORRIS. JOIIN.S. WAY MOttltIK & WAY. Attorneys & C o u n s el lors AT LAW, Wootfsfichl, Monroe County, Ohio. VST Office, over Walton's New Storo. April 1S64. J i ll I S O. AMOS, ATTORNEY AND COUNSELLOR1 Woodsjield, Monroe Co., O. "fTTILL faithfully and promptly attend to W all business entrusted to bis care r&ST Office, Fourth building south o Public, square, East bide, known ns the Cunningham building. Oct. ytx lriny, JACOB T. MOMULJU Attorney & Counsellor at Law and NOTARY PUBLIC. Claringlon, Monroe, County O. VX7ILL promptly and faithfully attend to YV business entrusted to hjs care. Corn piomise aud amicable adjustment always first sought, and litigation used only as the last wsort. Oct. al.'tiO. J. 1 Bl'KIGGB, Attorney & Counsellor at Law, CALAIS OHIO. VI 7 ILL faithfully and promptly attend to VV all business entrusted to his care. December 10.1860. Dr! G. W. G1THEN, No. 79, Main Street, B A H N E SVILLE, OHIO. Is devoting his attention to the treatment of CHIIOXIC DIBEAHtK, such as Diseases of the Eyes, Bronchitis, Consurnptten, ABthma, Scrofula, Cancer, Gravel, Fits. Female Diseases, Sick Headache, Dyspepsia, Piles, Neuralgia, Deafness, and ALL KINDS CF SUKG1CAL OPERATIONS, oct. 2S,l63-tf. Dr. W. T. Sinclair Having resumed the Practice of Med icine, tenders his rToiessioual ser vioos to the citizens of Woodafield tnd vicinity. Residence one door north of Drigg's ftore. DR. i. H. P1ERS0N OFFERS his professional services to the citizens of Woodskielp .and vicinity. He may always be founa reaay 10 acoowmoaaie nis Parens, at the office formerly oc- T. J f Adams, on Main street, one Bumcrons cni'Wd by door riouth of Mooney's store. May 16, 186w.-ly. JOHN W. OABOTHBRS. WOODSFIELD, OHIO. HOUSE PAINTING, GLAZING, GRAINING PAPER HANGING, LETTERING, READY P41XRD PAINT3 OF ALL COLORS, j- Ui.ne and prepared in the most fashion able t?ls, and on the shortest notice, f)et. 16, 1661 ly. 0 e t r g . The Soldier's Widow. Desolate ! desolate! desolate ! For companions but Want and Despair, With a storm in uiy soul that is born of hato, And a cry that is not a prayer. Yet hear me, oh hoar me, God ! Mark in pity the tears that fall; Where the rich red drops of a Savior's blood Not shed for the weal of all ? Husband and children gone Dead on the field of strife: And I wander the streets in my woe alone A childless mother a widowed wife. No home for my woary feet No spot where to lay my head, I would I ceuld sink to the iey street And the morning might had me dead! The snow falls fast and light, . And merrily sleigh-hells ring: There arc fair young faces and glances h right Hark I how they laugh and sing. They know not of want or caro. And their hearts are as light as the snow, No wails sweep to them from the plains afar, Where tho bravo and the true lie low. Sleep my brave boy, sieep, sleep, Tho' no music of sweet chiming bolls, O'er the plain where they laid three to rest, The pulse of the night and morn swells. And oh, may I bear through the world A heart from all bitterness free, Till sorrows are ended in peace, And God reunites me with thee. A New Oil Report. BRIDK XOMROY SENDS LINCOLN HIS ANN ALICE. Nothing like being known as a scien tific personage. Abraham read that I had struck " Peter," and forthwith, on returning from the peace-conference, thus arrested my attention: " Wittte House, Feb. 12, 'Co. " Successful 'Brick' Your strik ing Pete.' reminds mo of a little story, and you are hereby authorized to march upou some oil-section, examine the coun try, find oil, analizo it, and report forth with to me. I am daily beset with bores, and wish to run the remainder of my ad ministration in the ground to some profit. You will travel incog, at owner's risk, at your own expense, and I will settle the bill. Sec in your explorations that no body is hurled. A. Lincoln. P. U. S. A." Protected, authorized, and commanded by this document, set out, armed with witch-hazel-rode, a large gimblct, a string of auger-holes to drive down, pair of opera -glasses, the amnesty-oath with au ger in it, pair of brogans reaching the knees, four reams of foolscap, a trunk full of greenbacks, cigar-box full of clothes, and much rectitude in those heart of mine concerning the Petrolia Bery Alis, for which I was to make light of for this wicked world. Arrived on the spot, which General Dix once proposed to shoot a man on, 1 pitched my tent, took tho oath dilated with hot water and sugar, became intent on the bore, and proceeded with my procedure. First went through the rod, nature's greenbacks, when the moon is right. At fifty feet struck a 6trata of Egyp tian marble, in which dead Ethiopian frogs, mermaids, and such works of art were imbedded and petrified with aston ishmont. At seventy feet passed through a deserted Indian village. At ninety feet struck a balloon which had Chinese hie roglyphics on the bottom, bound up. At ninety-six feet, bored through a country scbeol-bousc, where a girl of nineteen sat in a petrified state, oiling her hair with petroleum. At ono hundred and ten feet, passed two dogs imbedded in solid rock, guarding a fat baby, which evident ly had been rooked to sleep, as it was ex ceedingly much dead ! Twenty feet fur ther down, an object so hard presented itself that I could not drive the augur- holc, so was obliged to resort to a yard of drilling. Brought up a little weol, eerac thick pieces of skull, from which I was led to be constrained to the belief that 1 had struck the head of a sable sen of Ham. If so, I beg the pardon of the defunct Hammer. At the depth of two hundred feet, I struck a cooper-snop, and from thisiudg cd oil was not far below, so advanced with caution. Ten feet further down . ran into a gin-mill, and felt in better spir its. At tho depth of two hundred and fifty feet, struck a bottle of old rye. I knew civilization was not far distant, and waited. Soon a reliable contraband came along and said, I was oil right, and by urging my auger-holes thirty feet further into the stomaoh of the arth, I should be rewarded. I never can forget the debt of gratitude to this poor downtrodden brother, who so kindly was mnto mo, and who I love so very much ! 1 will some , ,iay pUrch;,y0 him a shoddy-mill, llanne phirt and ef the Lincoln-Hunter yeW3'rd.StopllVns.Biair.CalnpbeH peace i negotiations, with urant and fclierman 111 the background. Bcliable contraband ! I caressed him sweetly fer the feminine half of his immediate ancestry, and drove on with my bore ! I passed several valu able sections of farming-land, rivaling the prairies ef Illinois; a few stratus of property resembling a Connecticut sto fence; soe loyal stiepks, which proved to bo coal; several gold uud silver lodes; sandstone and slate enough to furnish all of Brigham Young's children; salt water, in tiers, and a variety of photographic views of eminent roosters belonging to this or to some other world- At the depth of two hundred and eighty feet, I struck a rich vein of patri otism, where lay, closely packed like sar dines in a box, Canada Copperheads, en route to the Qocen's dominions, to escape the draft ; rampant Abolition office-seekers; old exempts, who wish the war to be continued; and hoblc women, who make soldiers' mittens for their own use, and to sec their names in 'print. I looked fer that model military man, Butler, as I went dewn, but met some victims ceiuing up, whs said ho was dewn so low that no mortal could reach him, no matter how fast he drove his boro. Six feet further down, I struok a box of Centincntalcur rency, on which green mildew was rap idly gathering, and several settlements of freed negroes, relieved from bondage since the war began. At tho depth of three hundred and seven foot, nine inches and a fraction over a tenth, I, as agent for J. L., struck pete, very much in the crude state, and now glory in a well which spirits seven hun dred barrels of crude, and nine hundred barrels of petroleum, every six minutes. And the well is not yet in active opera tion. On analyzing the precious liquid, I find it contains, in the crude state, two thousand parts, as follows, to-wit: Peter 2 Oleum 4 Oil j 3 Diamond dust 20 Store clothes 19 High living 86 Patriotism 1 Fast horses 78 Brown-stone house ,. 64 Champagne suppers 90 Headache next morning 85 Crinoline 21 Cushioned pews 14 Style 11 Nigger boarding-house 6"5 Opera it Country residence 21 Good opinion ot neighbors 200 Greenbacks...... 700 Watering places 100 Internal revenue 2 Neglect 6f poor relatives 18 Hilarious nights 26 Poodle-dogs and servants SO Genuine comfort 800 Total Ann Alice's 2,000 I have tried the crude Tetcr in my fam ily with the most gratifying results. It is good for all the ills flesh has an heir toid a margin over for to-morrow. It will cure croup, plumbago, chronic ine briation, Dutch Gap Canals, draft riots, corns, onions, leaks in boots, sore head (for politicians), fevers of all kinds, can cer on the pocket, baldhcadedncss, tight boots, and is the great instantaneous cure for all poverty, even in tho most hopeless stages, or on foot, for that mat ter. Applied according to directions it will sweep carpets, write letters, play faro, drive fancy horses, read late novels, visit opera, cause the hair to grow on a boot heel, cut finger nails, answer tho door bell, unlock hearts, brush clothes, mend watches, make champagne-cocktails, pick out the best cuts in market, sweep the streets, pick teeth on steps of fashiona ble hotels, make stump-speeches, deliver lectures, kiss all the girls, avoid the draft, cut ladies' slippers, catch a pickerel, run a steamboat on the Upper Mississippi in time of drouth, write obituaries for Bethel Fishermen, elect second rate men to office, shut your neighbor's eyes and mouth, and all on one application. Tho refined article is still more won derful. Applied gently it will paint a lady s check, plumpify her fair form and figure, play tho piano, ornament the walls, cure drunkenness, ' secure prayers from the clergy, make old clothes as good as new, cuie fits, gout, blues, repinings, put marble floors in dwelling-house, match horses, color gray hair and whiskers jet black, varnish faults invisible, and keep pocket full of cash. There is no per fume like it in the world, especially in the crude state I find also that for tho euro of broken hearts it has no equal. Two doses will cure a boy of using tobacco. Applied with a feather, it will saw wood, hoc corn, pour molasses on hot pancakes, dodgo behind the door after kissing another man's wife, husk oysters, divorce clam shells, crack butter-nuts in farmer-boy style, hatch chickens from wooden eggs, shut hot stove-doors, cure jealousy, mend burnt dresses, frizzle hair, make correct returns of army votes, teaeh a minister to make short prayers when there are no cushions on the pew-scats, give iashiona blc children lessons in politeness, pay salaries of country preachers with more promtness, and protect army-chaplains from camp evils. It will also solve chess problems, point horse-nails as well as jokes, make eider and play the violin. From developments being made, I ex pcet to be able in a week to report it, as it will fill up the army, destroy shoddy conquer the South, make heroes of hot house generals, add to tho comforts of boardine-houscs. carpet church-aisles soften sleeping-car berths, keep tobacco chewers from soiling carpets, restore peace, lessen the price of gold, bolster up damaged reputations, marry aid maids find homes for war-widows, make con ductors honest, keen women from gossip curl straight hair, and give free passes on all railroads. Such is my Ann Alice o Peter Oleum. With assurances of my most formidable distinguished consider.-! tion. and the highest personal regard for your Highness, and hoping these few Hues, which I take inv pen in hand to hojio you will enjoy the samo blessing, have the pleasure to submit my An Alice for Oil or Science. "Blanc" Penis Y. Mew JGugluml Abolition Sou; AS SUNCl BY THE WIZARD OLD MAN. Ah ! the good time has come at last ! New England rules the Nation, And now we've got you "hoosier's" fast, In spite of all creation. For thirty years we've labored hard For tariff and protection, And now we daro you to retard By setting up objection. Protection is tho very thing To gratify our wishes It brings us riches liko a king, And gold and silver dishes. It makes us love you Western folks, With very kind regard For now we sell you calico At fifty cents a yard. Once you had gold and silver too Flying around like rockets; But soon we made you send it through To jingle in our pockets. While we've got plenty of tho "chink," It surely looks quite funny, To see you western "Hoosicr" folks Use pasteboard up for money, For Union; Constitution, Law, Did we not loud insist ? Until we got you "Hoosier" boys Most bravely to enlist? And now we've got you in the ranks, We cannot help but snigger, To think that we can make jmi fight To help us free the nigger. Now we've got all the offices, And all the contracts, too This makes glorious times for us, Though rather hard for you. For we've got Yankees just enough, Scattered through the West, To fill the Federal offices, And feather up their nests. In two years more we'll make enough To satisfy our prido, And then we'll grease with wizard oil And from the Union slide. HATKIIIOSY. BY JENNEY JUNE. Do you ever read tho list of marriages, births and deaths in your morning paper? Being a man, and a old bachelor at that, I don't suppose you do, but, being a woman, I always do, and feel, therefore, competent to assure you that marriages have fallen off at least throe-fourths since this cruel war broke out, and especially since the principal articles lh the house keeping lino took such a jump upwards. One, two or three is the most which now appears in a list that formerly couu- d dozens, and these have a poor; soli tary, poverty-stricken look, in the "no cards" so frequently appended to them. It is sad to take a passing look at the nice house-furnishing establishments with which New York abounds, full of kitchen curiosities, and more interesting to young housekeepers, present and prospective, than any Museum, and think of them as hardly ever called upon for one of these complete outfits which have delighted so many young wives in days gone by, and only kept alive by the exertions of ser vant girls, whose efforts to sustain them by breaking every household article or untensil they lay their hands upon, de serves, this public acknowledgment. It is more sad still, however, to think of tho young women who are gradually wearing out their roses and their amiabili ty under the influence of these deprcs- ; circumstances. Weeks lengthen to mouths, months into years, and at the turning of every new corner the prospect becomes more alarming. A lino here, a wrinkle there, a disinclination to very strong lights, a fear of vory late hours, and lo I some fine morning a crow's-foot, and not married yet 1 Is not that enough to sour the sweetest temper ? Water-falls, curls, crystal nets, floating ribbons, pretty bodies, coquettish hats. dainty boots, mask veils, tight fitting gloves, fascinating manners, all of no avail! What can the young men be think ing of? What, indeed 1 Such ohances for picking and choosing haven't existed in years before, and may not for years again. Black eyes, blue eys, and gray eyes, are all in the market, ac companied by delicate ankles, dainty waists, and a greater profusion of hair than ever was seen before, and if it is not all natural, why it is probably bought and paid for, and that would be a saving after marriage. The want of matrimonial opportunities is not caused by the absence of young men; there aro plenty of them to be seen in the streets, in society, and upon any public occasion. But it is noticed that while they aro unusually polite, they arc also unusually reticent. They only ven ture ou the commonest attentions and civilities, they seem to have the fear of a trial for breach of promise perpetually beforo their eyes, and to be always on the defensive. This naturally puts the girls to a still greater disadvantage they aro not only eprived of many of their usual methods of making an impression, but also of many of their former pleasures. They are not invited half so often to theatres, concerts or opera, or evon to take a chocolate, or a cream, probably because prices at fash ionable restaurants have doubledw and young men find it as much as they can de to keep themselves in cigars and other luxuries. Tho idea of love, of that sort of ro nance which leads men to commit the felly of taking a wife and trusting to Pro vidence for the means to supply her with bread and butter, is all gone it never could flourish very well in a purely mer cantile community, and it seems to have been lost entirely in the reoent financial changes and revolutions. The majority of onr young men act as if they had been brought np under the tutelage ef old Jonas Chuzzlewit, and do groat credit to his training. They arc as cool and calculating as an old stock oper ator, pride themselves on being up to all the "dodges," and are never to be oaught unawares. Marriages, therefore those that take place will shortly begip to assume the attitude of a close bargain, in which both sides will seek to gain the advantage. Young women will have to make themsel ves objects of interest in quite another sense from that to which they have been accustomed, and must give up all notion of gaining husbands by the display of feminine attractions. A casual announce ment by "papa," of how much he intends to pay down, will do more to elicit an avowal of-serions intentions, now-a-days than an entire battery of personal and millinery charms and, it is feared, will do so for some time to come. New York Leader. The Trial of Political Pris oners at Cincinnati A Costly Farce The Catholic Telegraph, a journal that gave its support to President Lincoln at the late Presidential election, has felt itself called upon to speak in condemna tien of the great farce that has been en acted at Cincinnati fer some time, in the matter of trying some prisoners airested last fall at Chicago, on a charge of treas on. The Telegraph speaks of it thus: "Since the firt week in January there have been four colonels, three lieutenant colonels, and two majors engaged in try ing an alleged conspiracy which was sup posed to break out in the city of Chicago during the November election. Along with the above there are a Judga Advo cate and assistant, and a Recorder and as sistant. They are all receiving pay from the Government. The expenses of this trial are about five hnndred dollars per day. About thirty days have been occu pied in hearing the testimony for the Gov ernment, and nearly as many more in ad journments, lhis is certainly slow, hut it has the excellence of being expensive. Sixty days, up to tho 1st of March, at five hundred dollars per day. amount to the small sum of thirty thousand dollars. When taxes are so high, and such an ab solute necessity for money in the army, this is rather a high figure to pay for what ? "There were eight meii arraigned in the first week in January for conspiracy to do sdmething that was to be proven by a number of John Morgan's band of marauders. One of the prisoners, Mar maduke, has been acquitted; another, Semmes, it is belived, will be in a few days, another, Anderson, has committed suicide; another, Daniels, has escaped; another, Cantril, has been granted a se verance, and threo remain to refute, as wo believe they will, the charges and specifications or suffer tho penalty ef the law. We have carefully examined the testimony for the Government; and delib erately say that a more unmitigated farce was never paid for at so high a price." And yet we arc asked not to oppose the party, or Administration, under whese auspices such costly farces are enacted, lest the "era of good feeling" be not pro moted. The welfare of the country, of the people and political morality, all are to be promoted by burling from power such a party. Statesman. A story is told of a Bostonian's first appearance in polite society in Arkansas. The company were engaged in dancing, but the loveliest female present occupied a chair at tho window without a partner Stepping up to the lady, with a palpitat ing heart, his mind greatly excited by fear of refusal, he exclaimed: " Will you do me the honor to grace me with your company for the next set?" Her lustrous eyes shone with unwonted bril liancy, her white pearly teeth fairly glis tencd in the flickering candle light, her snowy bosom rose and foil with joyfu rapture, as she replied: M Yes, sireeo ! for I have sot, and sot, till I've about tuk root!" They who walk on the heads of the multitude, walk insecurely. Men's heads aro a dangcaous footing. An Irishman wishing to compliment his lady love, said : " May ye uivor die. till yc occ yc'ie owu funeral CLIPPINGS. The best of friends fall out our teeth ire no exception. The Smith family, in England numbers J30,000 souls, and an equal number of bodies-.. ,t. - ' . 1 i- n. u A Boston newspaper carrier recently recovered $400 of a man whose dog bit him while he was leaving his paper. There arc a couple of tenement houses in Cherry street New York, which con tain an aggregate of 900 son h 140 ad ults and 400 children. The buildings are each eighteen feet wide and five storios high. Seventy nine thousand soldiers a goodly sized army now lie sick and woun ded in the several military hospitals throughout the country. "Sally," said a young man to a damsel, who had red hair, "keep away from me, or you will set me a-fire." "No danger of that," was the answer, green to burn." 'you are too A popular writer says it is not the drinking, but the getting sober, that is so terrible in a drunkard s life. To this Prentice adds, some persons, influenced probably by this important consideration, seem to have delibejately resolvod never to get .sober. Persons in a crowd, says Prentice, should keep their elbows out of each oth er's stomachs, yet a man's stomach is oftcner injured by the motion of his own elbow than by those of his neighbors. "Gripps, I understand you have a su perior way of curing bams. I should like to learn it." "Well, yes; I know very well how te cure them; but the trouble with me just now is to pro cure them. A man down east has just invented a machine to renovate old bachelors. Out of a good sized, fat, greasy old bachelor, he can make quite a decent young man, and have enough left to make two small puppies, a pair of leather breeches, and a small kettle of soft soap. The Present Condition of Ireland, Mr. Maguire, in the British Parliament, thus speaks of Ireland: He solemnly and sincerely declared that there was in Ireland discontent and disaffection which nothing under heaven but just laws could change. The Lord Lieutenant, a few days ago, expressed his deep regret that the people were leaving the country in such numbers, and carried with them a feeling of hostility to the Britisli Government. Lat . them look the case straight in the face, and not shrink lrom a consideration of the question. The feeling carried to America by Irish men would have an influence upon the policy of American Statesmen. The Irish emigrants and their children born in the States outnumbered the popula tion of Ireland. They were active and energetic, and many of them command the press and the platform. They were animated by hatred of England and he asked them into what calamities might they not preoipitatc the two countries. Hear, hear. lie hoped that the Gov ernment, instead of troubling themselves about complications in different parts of Europe, would endeavor to heal the sore that existed in the heart of tho Empire. Boyal visits would not meet the wants of Ireland. They Would only be as court- plaster on a deep-seated ulcer. Tho Irish people would be glad to see ner Majesty, or any member of her family ; but tho starving people who saw the utter hope lessness of any effort for which there was no reward, did not want the sunshine of royalty or glitter of pageantry. . What they wanted was just laws, that would liberate their arms, and give them a field for their exertions. "Hear, hear.l Respect the Aoed. Many an old person has the pain not bodily, but sharper still of feeling himself in the way. Some ono wants his place. His very chair in tho chimney corner 18 grudged him. He is a burden to son and J daughter. The very arm ehair which props him is taken away from some pro ductive labor. As he sits at the table, his own guests are too idle or too unkind to make him share in their mirth. They grudge the trouble of that raised voice, which alone eould make him one of them; and when he speaks it is only to be put aside as ignorant or despised, as old-fashioned and obsolete. Oh, little do young persons know their power of giving pain or pleasure ! It is a pain for any, still in this world, to be made to feel that he is no longer of it, to be driven in upon his own little world of conscious isolation and buried enjoyment. But this is his condition ! and if any frctfulncss or quei- ulousness of temper has aggravated it if others love him not because he is not amiable shall wc pity that condition the less ? shall we upbraid it with that fault which is itself the worst part of it? Death comes to a good man to relieve him. It comes to a bad man to relieve societv. " DOWN JH FRONT." An old acquaint ance writes there is among his acquaint ancd one, at least, who enjoys a reputa tion, for he stands over seven feet in his stockings. Although a talented ratmbcr of the bar, be is a good-natured, modest citizen. S mc years ago, when tho Broad Wiy theatre was the theatre of toe town, ho saw fit to witness the performance, from a prou i tent seat in the parquette. When the curtain rose and the actors 4 vmced to their positions, a cry of " down in front," be ;ame general throughout t& nu Hence. Their attention was directed tow rds tall B , ah, feeliog himself the object of remark, thought be was re quired to settle. Looking as though he rose through the floor, he proceeded to raise himself to a standing posture, in such a manner, however, as to convey an impression that there was no end to him At last he became straightened out to his full length, when slowly glancing at the astonished audience, he very de)ib crately remarked: " Gentlemen, to satisfy yon that I was sitting down, I will now stand up." A burst of laughter and applause eao ceeded; the audience and actors became convulsed; the curtain descended rapidly; the manager with beaming face cam for ward., and, amidst the wildest applause conducted the gentleman to a privato box. Receipts to get into Fort Lafay ette. Discouraging enlistments by ask ing intended volunteers to take a drink of South Street gin. Doubting the originality of Old Abe last joke. Calling in question Major Gen. Bat ter's ability to take whiskey plain or a sardine stew. By observing in reference to the Pres ident's last call for men, that "you wish he may get them." Expressing disgust at the perreaial "quiet along the lines. Disbelieving in the dislocation of the spinal vertetbee of the rebellion, Callng a loyal sutler a swindler and swearing at the patriotism of a conscript. Suggesting that a Republican Congress man is liable to err or that a Massachu setts Senator's loyalty is liko the cream on New York milk only skin deep. " Buy one of these superior raior strops, exclaimed Mr. Smith, tho rasor strop roan, " and I'll toll yon a secret worth double the oost for only twenty-vo cents. " 1 11 take one, said a bystand er. Mr. Smith handed him a strop and box of paste, whieh he throws in, and went on selling. " Look here," inter rupted the purchaser, " yon promised to tell me something worth deublo the price." "Ah, so I did," said Smith, and it is this. If yon bad bought a box of tho paste for five cents, and put it on to your old strop, it would have mad it just as good as a new obc" There was a general laugh. Contradicted and Otherwise. Tt is contradicted that a machine invented by a Western Reserve Yankee will take the noise out of thunder. But it is as certained to be true that an Illinois jolof has invented a machine, called tho con scription wheel, whioh will effeeioallj take the noise out of a blatant war aan. For partieulars inquire of Provost Mar id shals. Cure for Neuraloia. A system of metalotbcrapia has been introduced in Paris. That is the cure of neuralgia by the application of copper or brass. Tb following case is stated : A person had been for two days suffer ing intense agony from intercostal pain, which had all the characteristics of neu ralgia. Dr. Bureq applied an iron die on the part affected, with no result. A brass candlestick being near at hand, he applied it, on which the pain instantly vanished. "I can't undertake, my wife, to grati fy all your whims, it would be as much as my life is worth." "Ob, sir, that's noth ing?" she replied. The dentists of Germany, in solemn conclave assembled Jhave come to the con clusion that sugar and tobacco are not in jurious to the teeth. An Irishman complained to his physi cian that he stuffed him ao muoh will) drugs, that he was sick long time aftr he got well. Tom, what in the world put matri mony into your head ?" " Well, th foot is, Joe, I was getting snort of Bhirts. In the Boston police court, recently, a man arraigned ass common drunkard put a peculiar plea in defence. He said that he. believed the world was coming to an end within a year, and meditating upon this momentous event " staggered " him. Tho court did not see it in that light, and sent the staggorcr to the house of correc tion for five months. Judge Richardson once said that "everything was foreknown by tb Al mighty, except what would be th verdict fa petit jury." The latest general order to Gatl Butler" dry up."