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K. W. HARHETT.Editor Entered at the Birmingham, Ala.. postoffice as second class matter under act of Congress March 3, J.SJJ. Bally and Sunday Age-Herald.... $S.OO Bally and Sunday, per month.... -3# Bally and Sunuay, tnree months.. 3.00 Sunday Age-Herald . " ®® Weekly Age-Herald, per annum.. subscription payable in aUval.ce. IS. E. Morgan and W. G. V'uurton are the only uuthorlaed traveling repre sentatives of The Age-Herald in Its circulate u department. No communication will be publishou without Us author's name. Rejected manuscript will not be returned unless stamps aro enclosed for that purpose. Remittances can be made at current rate of exchange. The Age-Herald will noi be responsible for money sent through the mails. Address, THE AGE-HEUALD, Birmingham, Ala. Washington bureau, 207 llibbs build* log. European bureau, 6 Henrietta street, Co vent Garden, London. Eastern business office. Rooms to 60, inclusive. Tribune building, New York city; western business office, Tribune building. Chicago. The S. C. Beckwith Special Agency, agenle for eign advertising. TELEPHONES Dell (private exchange coMCctltg departments)* No. 41XMh The world is grown so bad, Th.t wrens may prey where en*le» .Inre not perch; Since every .lack became a gentleman, There's tunny a gentle person .untie a Jack. —King IUchard III. The Seventeenth Amendment The seventeenth amendment au thorizing the direct election of United States senators is coming along swimmingly. These states have rati fied it: Illinois, Minnesota, Ohio, Iowa and Michigan, in the middle west; California, Oregon, Washing ton, Idaho, Nevada, Colorado, Ari zona, New Mexico and Texas in the far west; West Virginia, North Caro lina, New York and Massachusetts in the east. To these 18 states will this week be added New Jersey and Wis consin. The house in the former has ratified the amendment, and the sen ate in the latter. Utah, governed by a hierarchy, alone has rejected the amendment. It has been stated that Georgia also re jected it. This is not true. The Geor gia legislature did not act on the amendment owing to misrepresenta tions concerning it. It was stated that it placed all senatorial elections in the hands of the federal government, when as a matter of fact it does not contain a word on that subject. Sec tion 4 of the constitution stands just as it did when it was adopted in 1790. The federal government did interfere with senatorial elections in the crazy reconstruction period, but it never had before and it is safe to say it never will again. The amendment re lates to changes in section 3, and not at all to section 4, which is the sec tion that relates to federal control. Erroneous statements were published in Georgia, and when the Georgia leg islature meets next summer it will no doubt fall in line with the movement that has for its object the reform of the upper house of Congress. Utah should be permitted to stand alone. It is believed that fully 25 states will ratify the amendment this year, and another year may add 11 more. s Thirty-six states must ratify it to make it a part of the federal consti tution. Schools of Journalism The University of Alabama pro poses to establish a school for news paper men, sometimes called a school for journalism. The University of Missouri has such a school, and no other college in the old south has one. This seems to afford room for one in the university at Tuscaloosa. All such schools have to face a common difficulty, namely, none of them can create in a student, how ever willing and eager, a nose for news. If a psychological test could be applied so that only those who are thus equipped would gain admission, all might be well. To take Tom, Dick and Harry as they apply would never lead to good results, and yet no known test of the nature named exists. The student who lacks the desired qualification cannot acquire it in any school that was ever founded, no matter how large its endowment may be. And this fact deserves considera tion at -Tuscaloosa. Newspaper men are rarely poets, but they are like poets in one respect—they are born, and are never made to order. Receipts on the Owl Cars Assuming-that owl cars are like any other new extension of transportation, it 16 impossible to judge from the first week’s receipts, or even from the first six weeks’ receipts what the re ceipts would be in the second year, - when housekeepers had selected new houses in the suburbs. The people can not quickly adjust themselves tc 1 '.cars. Once let them know, ho , * that owl cars are a fixture ; would, before a very great wh be ; recast, and people who are now com : pelled to live within walking distance would then select more comfortable homes perhaps in the outlying dis tricts. In other words, the hope should be that the receipts will come near enough to operative expenses to in duce the street car company to contine the service. It will be self-sustaining in the long run, and perhaps some way to bridge over the flight of time can be worked up in each suburb. Each suburb should, in other words, begin to negotiate for a continuance of the service. Generous Giving The people of Birmingham have al ways been quick to respond to appeals in behalf of suffering humanity. Even in the early struggling days when one thought or heard little of public spirit, relief funds were often needed and the money was always forthcoming from individual subscriptions. Within the past few years Birming ham has been able to do large things in a large way. Money can now be raised easily, not only for eleemosy nary institutions and the relief of vic tims of disaster, but for civic organi zations and associations doing uplift ing and social service. The churches, of priceless value to every community, are built and main tained by members of the various de nominations, but those institutions having a religious element but more varied in scope than the church have the sympathy and support of right minded men and women regardless of sect or creed. The Young Women's Christian as sociation is one of these institutions of exceptionally wide and strong ap peal and the canvass to raise $25,000 for the association in Birmingham will be successful; this as a matter of course. But now since Birmingham is used to contributing to good causes on a large scale the entire amount asked for should be subscribed before the end of the present week. Blag Pile Problems Government is said to be h series of compromises, and this is true in local as well as in general govern ment. The city commission has come to a compromise in the Sloss city fur nace controversy, and it becomes a question whether it would not be bet ter to negotiate out the smoking coke ovens in First avenue and afterwards compel the railroads to build a via duct, and then wait awhile for the rest. A viaduct in First avenue and the removal of the coke ovens would in deed be a great gain. In a few more years perhaps the company may be willing to consolidate its furnaces in this county and to remove the famous slag pile. Rome was not built in a day, and the district about the city furnace cannot be reconstructed in a single swoop. Not a few in the easterly end of the city would say that the re moval of the coke ovens and the erec tion of a viaduct would be a happy compromise for the time being with out reference to a comprehensive pro gramme in the future. The girl friends of Miss Helen Taft have presented her with a farewell gift In the shape of a magnificent gold handbag studded with amethysts. Virtually, ail of her close friends were represented in the presentation, which was altogether in formal. The President's daughter was deeply affected. Miss Taft has spent al most all of her girlhood in the national capital, her distinguished father going there in 1890 as Solicitor General of the de partment of Justice. With the exception of four years spent In the Philippines as governor general, the Tafts have resided in Washington ever since. Members of the Texas legislature are panic stricken over the appearance of cerebro-spinal meningitis among Its mem beis. the sudden death of two represen tatives from that disease and the serious illness of a third member of the house caused that body to practically adjourn until Murch 3, owing to the constitutional rule limiting the number of days that ad journment may be taken. Nearly all the legislators have fled from Austin. l’rof. Johannes Fiblger, director of the pathological Institute In Copenhagen, says his researches show that cancerous growths in the esophagus and stomachs of rodents were due to the presence In the alimentary tract of minute worms, an in determinate number of which are from tlie common kitchen cockroach. Profes sor Fiblger succeeded in producing can cer by feeding the parasites’ eggs on cock roaches to rats. J. N. Dunham of Claflin, Kan., found a "sleeping” farm that had never been homstiaded. The 160 acres in it are the finest sort of alfalfa land and are worth fiom $160 to $200 an acre. Dunham made a hurried trip to the land office at Dodge City, filed on the land and is now prov ing up on a claim which will cost him about $200 and will bring him anywhere frojn $21,000 to $32,000. Alary Garden gave a taxicab chauffeur a $20 bill to pay for riding live blocks to lier hotel, and l.e drove oft without giving her any change. She promptly had him arrested, and lie begins to think lie was unlucky in his choice of a victim in Philadelphia. The South Dakota legislature has passed a bill prohibiting suggestive dances. An amendment was adopted providing that at all public dances "each individual dan cer shall dance separately and alone.” The broom is now considered tlie chief disseminator of bacteria. Perhaps this | la why tume use it so rarely. After June 1 Denver will be the largest < ity fn the United States under the com mission form of government. It had 213, '>00 people in 1910. Five city commission ers are to be elected May 31. Fresh eggs, “firsts,” are selling at ID cents In Chicago, and at about 20 cents In New York. Prices are breaking rap idly. Storage eggs are not salable in open market. The Illinois solons do not pretend to re member the votes for senators of the voters themselves. The voters should keep a record of those solon9. It Is 40 years since the commune shot up the streets of Paris, and Mexico City j is today trying to show how such fighting should be conducted. A state legislature is a body of sover eigns who waste time to begin with and sometimes wind up by wasting the peo ple’s money. “General” Rosalie Jones has also crossed ; the Delaware. George W. has nothing ! on her so far as the Delaware is con cerned. Mexico City lias no ship canal and our navy cannot make a demonstration where it would astonish the nrftives. The belief Is that the President-elect has not told Mrs, Wilson who the nine cabineteers are to be. The Indiana solons propose to stop ail Sunday amusements, novel writing, of course, excepted. What Mexico needs Is a very aggressive and warlike bull moose, and we have one to spare. Five millions of people want Dr. Fried man's scrum and he wants $5,000,000 for it. T^e lean figure of a man on a bicycle has supplanted the man on horseback. The house cleaning season at the White House is nearing itB quadrennial close. West Virginia and Illinois both need the seventeenth amendment this minute. SODA FOUNTAIN INDUSTRY From the Pharmaceutical Era. Soda water, in its present form, has not been recognized as a healthful beverage much longer titan the life of the well pre served man of four score. Its real his tory from the point of view of the foun tain owner and operator, and the his torian, can be covered within the scope of 80 years, while the greatest development and most remarkable changes in the soda water and soda fountain industry have been brought about during the past quar ter century. The soda fountain—which has made soda water, in the modern sense, possible—oc cupies a distinctive and unique position in the history of the world's industry. Ac cording to L. A. Becker, who writes on tlie subject In the Pharmaceutical Era, it is an American invention, and, perfected by American skill and pushed by Ameri can enterprise, it lias become an Amer ican institution, national in scope and character, yet one which has followed the flag Into the far cast, and has become a "peaceful invader” of Mexico, the Do minion of Canada, England and the con tinent. Carbonic acid, without which the soda and sundae would not be possible, was known to Paracelsus in the early part of the sixteenth century—about 1520—and was further investigated by Van Helmont, the Belgian chemist, about 100 years later. To designate it the latter coined the word "gas,” the term now commonly used by dispensers and fountain operators in designating the carbon dioxide which puts the sparkle and the flzz into soda wuter, or, more properly speaking, into carbonated’ water. The name "soda’ comes from its first method of produc tion. In 1750, Gabriel Venel, a French physi cian, mixed two drams of soda and mar ble (muriatic) acid in a pint of water contained in an ordinary glass bottle. Twenty years later—in 1770—Bergman, a Swedish chemist, generated carbonic acid gas from chalk by the use of sulphuric acid, and Invented a generating apparatus which made its production on a compara tively lurge scale possible. But all this was merely preliminary. In 1707, just a few years prior to the Amer ican revolution and five years antedating the perfection of the Bteam engine by Watt, Dr. Joseph Priestley, at Leeds, England, made the first drinkable glass of soda water. It was prepared by pouring water briskly back and forth between two goblets held in a layer of carbon dioxide on the top of a fermenting mash in a brewery vat! Although It is to an English scientist and a Ewedlsh chemist that the recogni tion of carbonic acid gas und perfection of methods of producing it are due, it remained for an American to invent and perfect a distinctive type of apparatus— the soda fountain—to prepare, cbill and dispense carbonated water, and at the same time provide the mechanical med ium for mixing in palatable form the syrups, flavors and fruits used in con junction with carbonated water to produce what is known A "soda water.” It Is a far cry, indeed, from the murky glass of carbonated water resulting from Dr. Priestley's manipulations In the fumes of a brewery vat to the beverage, which by virtue of its popularity, us ■ attested by an enormous consumption, holds firmly to the honor title of "the great American beverage." • •Kis.nKTr From the Chicago Inter-Ocean. Many believe that a man dies when his time comes and that until then nothing can kill him. It does look that way sometimes. The last car of a through train of ex press cars speeding from Boston to New York caught fire the other night. The messenger, unable either to put out the flames or stop the train or make his dangei* known, jumped from the car to escape the flames. The train was going 35 miles an hour. He escaped with a few bruises. When that man’s time comes a scratch from a rusty nail or a cold or indigestion may carry* him off. “Kismet,” says the Turk. And appa rently he has the best of the argument. REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR From the New York Press. An old fool shows it more than a young one because he tries more to hide it. A man can get so excited over his pipe being clogged up that if the house starts to burn down he W'on’t know* it. The trouble with carrying your money in your pocket is the next thing you know’ it will tie in somebody clse’s. The later a man goes home to bed the earlier his wife seems to expect him to get up in the morning to explain about it. A woman never has to waste any more money on photographs after she gets one taken that somebody tells her looks like a princes*. IN HOTEL LOBBIES Inquiries for Small Fnrms “There Is an active inquiry for small farms in Alabama," said 1>o K. Steiner, who has large landed interests in Cullman county. The fact tlyt the small farmers of Cullman have been stelTdily prosperous has been well advertised in the north and many homeseekers are now arranging to buy farms in that county. Within the next two or three years Cullman's popula tion will have an appreciable increase. ’ Advocates Wider Sidewalks "The sidewalks in the business district should be widened,” said J. Rivers Carter, former postmaster and at one time city engineer. "Wider sidewalks are especially needed in thoroughfares that are crowd ed every day with pedestrians. Take Third avenue as an example. The side walks are so congested frequently that it is difficult for one to push through the, crowds. The avenue is 100 feet wide and each sidewalk is 15 feet wide. If the I pavements were widened two or three feet it would help very materially and there would still be left ample road bed for street cars and automobiles. “Chicago found it necessary to widen its sidewalks and Birmingham should pur sue the same policy." The Iron Mnrket “The pig iron market is in a fairly sat isfactory condition,” said J. W. McQueen, vice president of the Sloss-Sheffield Steel and Iron company. “We have sold our make and more for February at $14 a ton on a No. 2 foundry basis. While some resale iron has been reported at $13.50, the volume has been exaggerated, I think. Our lowest quota tion is $14 for No. 2. I look for increased buying In the near future.” IHrmlnglium College “The canvass being made for a fund Qf $250,000 for Birmingham college is pro gressing most encouragingly,” said the Rev. Mr. Cumming, financial agent for th© college. “The fund is now nearing tli© $100,000 mark, and I hope the $250,000 will be subscribed before the end of the present year. As is generally known, the fund is to be divided between a perma | nent endowment and new buildings and I other improvements. “I find that the people of Birmingham regardless of denominational affiliations are much interested in the college. They feel that It is a valuable asset and are disposed to aid it in its progressive work.” The Inauguration Crowd* “The impression seems to have got abroad that so-called democratic simplici ty would prevail to such an extent at Washington on March 4 that the parade feature and festivities in general would be small compared with those of other days,” said Ezra T. Sloane of Baltimore. “I have attended two inaugurations and expect to be !n Washington to see Wood row Wilson escorted along Pennsylvania avenue, and the show will be as imposing as any heretofore witnessed. There will be at least 25,000 soldiers in the line and I see that the arrangements committee announces that there will be an inaugural ball. Mr. Wilson is some what of a joker and I never ttfck his re marks about extreme simplicity se riously.” First Visit to the South “I have spent the greater part of the winter in the south,” said W. S. Scanned of Cleveland, who was in Birmingham yesterday on his way home from New Orleans. “On my way south I stopi>ed a week in Georgia and in the latter part of December I took a trip through Texas. In January I divided my time between Louisiana and Florida. “Northern people know more about the south now than they did 10 years ago, but still comparatively few realize what an attractive section of the country this lias come to be. The climate Is ideal and the farm lands are wonderfully productive. I find that many truck farmers have set tled in the south within'1 recent years, and I am told that Alabama is getting a good share of them. Agricultural land is cer tainly cheap enough in this state to at tract homeseekers.” f One of the llulhler* The Traders National bank in its inter esting series entitled, “Builders of Bir mingham,” issued monthly in connection with a calendar, has for its subject this month William H. Kettig, one of the best known and most highly esteemed men in this part of the country. “William Henry Kettig was born on August 6, 1853. in Louisville, Ky., and re ceived his education in the public schools of that city and at Brunswick, Germany, where he spent two years in study,” says the editor of the series. “In 1880 he start ed liis business career as office boy for the Ahrens & Ott Manufacturing company of Louisville. His ability and close atten tion to duty brought rapid promotion, and he held an important position when he resigned to move to Birmingham in 188G. In that veuir, with Maj. W. J. Mil ner, he organized the Milner & Kettig company and became its president. Tills company commenced operations with a small capital, but, due to capable and vigorous management, the business was gradually extended until it became the. largest of the kind in the south. “In 1905 the Milner & Kettig company was absorbed by the Crane company of Chicago, Mr. Kettig being retained as lo cal manager. At present he is southern manager of this corporation, having charge of their vast business in Birming ham, Atlanta and Knoxville. “Mr. Kettig lias been prominent in pub lic life for a number of years. He is a member of the board of directors of the Southern club and of the Country club, has served as president of both of these organizations and of the Chamber of Commerce, and takes an active interest in all civic matters.” “PITTING ON SPECS.” William Hemmingway, in Harper's Weekly. I clamped them on the bony part of the bridge of the nose. “No, no,” cried the optician. “That won't do at all! About 5000 people out of 6000 put on their glasses wrong. Observe— I place the glasses above the bridge and as close to the eyes as possible. I spread the grips wide apart and settle them In tho flesh well up at the very top of the nose. There you are, sir! Now, you try it.” He pushed toward me a small oval mir ror that stood on a rod. I sat before it and faithfully worked at eye glass drill. When at last I got the glasses high enough I had the top part canted too far for ward. Again and again the optician had to push out the lower part of the glasses. “Now you have dt,” he said, after half % dozen trials of my skill. “Please remem ber; fix the glasses always parallel with tbe face and close to the eyes as pos “Oh—ow!” I exclaimed, “they’ll give me cramps in the'eyelids; the eyelashes are! brushing them." i "Oh, well,” he advised, patiently, as one who had traversed the ground a thou sand times before, "if you like, you can take a pair of scissors and trtm your eyelashes short. The feminine members of your family will object that the trim ming spoils your looks.” “A man’s iookF!” I shouted. ’’Who ever heard of a man having ’looks?’ ” » ‘•You'll see,” said the optician—and, by George! he was right. Queer how much we still have to learn about femininity, no matter how ancient we may be. * After dinner 1 permitted myself to be discovered solemnly reading through the spectacles. "Why, pawl” said family. a little shocked but determined to be pleased. "How comfortable you seem! And you look exactly like a Japanese diplomat Take care or people will take you for d highbrow.” Thus are we mocked when adversity overtakes us. But worse was to come. That ancient and Implacable enemy of all mankind, a candid friend, was still to be heard. "Fine!” he declaretj, with a cunning pre tense of spontaneous admiration as lie approached my desk this morning. "Fine. You look like Ben, the educated pig, that used to travel witli the ctrdus." Bet them jibe, one and all. 1 care not. Reading is once more a pleasure. And when I look up from the page the glasses, which magnify objects and bring them nearer, show me that she is lovelier than ever. SOME FALLACIES ABOUT FAT Leonard Keene Hlrshberg, M. D., in Har per’s Weekly. The common fallacies associated with corpulency are as numerous as the pat ent medicine anti-fat remedies. Fat trans ferred maketli the heart sick, yet there are few physicians alive to tell of ever having seen that rare disease known com monly as a ’’fatty heart.” This bete noire of the dowager, the chaperon, the trust magnate and the post-meridian com mercial traveler, like hobsoblins and other fearsome figments, has its being in the vain Imaginings of the great superstitious proletariat. Yet much may be done. Next to sugar, there- is no greater source of adipose tis sue than a few drops of alcoholic or malt liquors, unless it be mental inertia and physical activity. The species of drinkers known as once-ln-a-whiles are, perhaps, In this respect the worst offenders. You may starve, you may work, ydu may drug as you will; the thirsty man grows fat. Next to the avoidance of alcohol, for those predisposed to excessive breadth, gyroscopic gmynastics is most helpful. In your bath or boudoir a hard slab of wood or marble,inay be used. This scheme, together with roller brooms, potato mash ers, cannon balls, rolling pins or other means, really disposes of much of the superfluous fat. Far be it from me to suggest a strait jacket or corset; yet one of the latter made of compression bands that fits snugly around the stomach region and forces the fat upward with out embarrassing the respiration will as suredly reduce the amount of abdominal fat. No more apocryphal and fallacious su perstition prevails among the special pleaders of medical and lay dietitians than the admonition of avoiding certain foods, eating others and abstaining from water at meal time. There is no greater source of unhappiness, ineftfflciency, illness and even death than this prevailing vogue. Physicians, like women and sheep, imitate and obey an authoritative leader. If Dr. Osier writes that the old die young there will be almost unanimity among physicians in agreeing with his dictum. Hence when a dozen conspicuous stomach specialists taboo pretty much everything but bread, bouillon, tea and water, the mortality rate of starvation rises, even though the death certificates neglect to say so. FIRE’S TERRIBLE TOLL From Leslie's. Our cities may spend millions of dollars creating efficient fire departments equipped with every modern device for fighting fires, but if nothing is done to ed ucate the public In simple means of fire prevention, tires will go on increasing. Take New York city as an example. Every day one human life and $37,000 worth of property are destroyed here by Are This means an annual loss of 305 lives and $13,500,000 worth of property. Ex perts have found on investigation that 65 per cent of these fires are of the easily preventable tyVe For the purpose of calling the attention of the public to the •‘semingly unimportant trifles which are the actual causes of the majority of fires,” a committee of safety has been organized in New York, a voluntary or ganization of citizens. Its safety code for the home contains the following rec ommendations: Blow out matches before throwing them away. Keep rubbish cleared out. Keep fire escapes free from every ob struction. Do not use benzine, naphtha, gasoline or any Inflammable fluids in the house. Guard gas jets from contact with win dow curtains. Fill and clean lamps only in daytime. These recommendations are given for factories and workrooms: Forbid smoking in the workrooms. rlear out rubbish and clippings every day from workrooms, hallways and base ments. Do not keep benzine, naphtha, gasoline, alcohol, turpentine, paint or varnish, ex cept in safety cans as required by law. Keep gas Jets guarded by wire cage, so that materials may not touch the flam*. For the saving of human life in case of fire, these recommendations are made: Organize a fire drill among the work, men and women. Keep passages clear to all exits, doors, stairs and Are escapes. Keep all doors leading to exits un locked. Keep halls and stairways lighted while workers are In the building. Keep fire escapes free from every ob struction. Do not allow machinery or merchandise to block the aisles. COUSIN'S TO SOLOMON From the London Evening Standard. The story Is told of a well known trav tier who on one journey was much an noyed by a pedantic bore who forced him self upon him and made a great parade of his learning. The traveler bore It as long as he could, and at length, looking at hint gravely, said: "My friend, you and I know all that Is to be known." “How Is that?" said the man, pleased with what he thought a complimentary asosclation. “Why,” said the traveler, "you know everything except that you are a fool, and I know that." LOOKED BAD From Tit-Bits. A banker, having a bald head, was In the habit of wearing his hat during the business hours. Every week a negro workman on the railviay presented a check for his wages, and one day as he put his money in a greasy wallet the banker said to him: "Look here, MoBes, why don't you let some of that money stay In the bank and earn interest for you?" “Oh, no, boss," replied the darkey with a glance at the banker’s hat. "I'se Jet:’ a feared. You look like you was always ready to start somewheres!" ADRIFT WITH THE TIMES NO END TO THIS. "Pa, what la meant by 'ad Infinitum’?" “That's the same thing, my son, as every valet having a valet." POOR MR. taddles: "Mr. Taddles says he could love you, Angellne. If you would give him half a chance." “I’m afraid Mr. Taddles is a hopeless case. His idea of being sentimental is to tell me about the tuberoses his mother used to grow." QUITE A JOKER. "Dilks is q facetious chap.” "Yes?" “He refers to the stock exchange as one of our best known watering places." HANDICAPPED. As sad a man as e’er you saw, In jail because he broke the law. "There's not so much," you'll say, "to that." But this man’s purse was rather flat. No legal light for such as he Would find a technicalitee. FULL MANY. Full many a man Has lost his grip By being shy One poker chip. —Birmingham Age-Herald. Full many a man Has lost his stack By being shy One doggone jack. —Cincinnati Enquirer. Full many a man Has lost his beans By having one With two queens. —Detroit Free Press. Full many a man Has lost his face By holdifig out A useful ace. —Seattle Post-Intelligencer. Full many a man Knows whefe Ills "cush" Is; He lost it filling Three-card flushes. —Houston Post. NOTHING COULD BE WORSE. "Some words are frightfully abused." "Quite bo. For instance, can you im agine any worse treatment for the word ’impresario’ than applying it to an un-I grammatical person In a loud vest, who takes a company of prise-fighters ou a vaudeville tour?" MR. TINKERS COLLAPSES. "Is this Mr. Tinkers?” "yes. sir. What can I do for you?” “I wish to speak to you about a deli cate matter.” "Is that so? Well, speak softly and my assistant will not hear you.” To tell the truth, I think the hair spring of my watch is broken." TRIFLES. "Mr. and Mrs. Waggles have quarreled again.” "What’s wrong?” "Olv they fell but about something." "Wen, that's somewhat to their credit." "Why so?” "Most married people who quarrel fall out about nothing.” aqua and booze. Once more they spring The foaming flagon To make a rhyme For witter wagon. —Detroit Free Pres* How would it do To suggest "jag on” As an antonym For water wagon? -Scranton Tribune-Republican. Tho’t may not Be much to brag on We ne’er fell off The water wagon. —Houston Post. My goodness, Judd, How life must drag on For one who ne’er Fell off the wagon! HAVLN’T HEARD OF HIM LATELT. The Kansas house of representatives recently passed a bill making "keg par ties” unlawful. By the way. what has become of the old-fashioned man who used to say, "Come on, fellows, and wa ll open a keg of nails”? JUST WONDERING. We wonder if That’s man's alive, Who smiles to hear, “Please lend me five." CAN'T . FORGET. Three days have passed and still he's hot About the valentine he got. PAUL COOK. PSYCHOLOGY OF DRINKING 0 From the Memphis News-Scimitar. ONE-HALF of the country seems to be engaged in trying to keep itself and the other half of the country from drinking ardent and intox-, icating liquors. The prohibitionists would prevent the manufacture or sale of it. The White Rtbboners would have men resist temptation by moral strength. The churches would have them shielded against temptation by the grace of God. AH agree that drinking is an evil, yet, like some other evils, It has been praised and practiced from time immemorial. Silenus has always had many devotees and Dionysus, the god of wine and of the grape, gave us our word "tragedy," because the goat was the enemy of the grape vine, and lie was regularly sacrificed to this god for his pestiferousness. Bacchus is a myth, and the Bacchantes, who dis ported themselves in all manner of drink and dissoluteness, . passed from public view; but they are said to have some representatives among the smart set, with those who attend Sherry din ners. Anacreon sang the praises of the juice of the grape, and good old Omar, dear to old and young, warbles: "Oh, my beloved, fill the cup that clears Today of past Regret and future Tears: Tomorrow: Why Tomorrow I may be Myself with yesterday's sev'n thousand years." Everyone knows that wine is a mock er, and that drinking to excess Is a curse, and no one better than the vic tim of its evil Influences. About the most useless thing In the world is to tell a man who drinks to excess the evils, the pains and the penalties of drinking. He knows it better than any theorist or sociologist can tell him. He has pur chased the knowledge and paid the price. As well tell him that water is wet or that fire burns. Then why do men drink, knowing as they do the evil consequences? The question brings up the psychology of drinking. It Is a leveler. By borrowing from the future, at a pauperzing rate of interest, it mitigates the vicissitudes of the present. It makes a prince out of a pauper. It makes the down-and-outer forget his miseries, and gives him cour age and momentary strength to go for ward. It levels. It establishes the equa tion. Why do men of superior intellect drink? Because they are human and crave hu man society. They cannot have it normal ly. They are aliens In their own coun try- They are alone in a crowd. They are desolate abstractions from the totality. Their environment is Inhospitable. They care nothing for the concerns of the aver age man, who declaims and rhapsodizes over material infinitesimals—the seven teenth of a cent difference in a ton of freight from New York to Cuba—the number of votes cast in Ward 7 in tho election of 1890-the color of the dress worn by Jenny Und when she landed in this country in 1850, etc. Such things do not appeal to him. Cheap conventions do not appeal to him. Sordid things do not appeal to him. The canaille does not appeal to him. When a few jorums are accumulated in the right place, when things are mulled and modulated and magnified, when authentic sense of pro portion Is vitiated, then the hackman be comes interesting, the loafer most com panionable and the barroom orator a Cicero. One can listen with rapt inter est to his washerwoman telling, down to the lowest detail, the particulars of the death of her first husband. The most trival things assume the appearance of importance. The windows of the heart are opened, and anyone may see in who desires. Everything grows and glows, w’hile the spell lasts, and before the time for atonement arrives. Hence it is that the stupid and unimaginative man Is quickened and elevated by intoxicants, while the man of superior intellect is brought down to the level of his fel lows, and enabled to fraternize and to be come the homologue of those around him. In both cases It Is unwise and imprudent and eminently harmful, but that does riot change the psychology of drink. A SAD DELUSION From the New York Sun. General Mrs. Emmeline Fankhurst, commanding the suffragette army in England, congratulates her soldiers upon having suffered very litle damage in collision with the police power while playing havoc with institutions and distinguished persons. A constabu lary trained to respect the sex known of old as the gentle and conscious of superior physical strength which it would be cowardly to use without re- i stralnt, has, it is true, inflicted trifling i damage upon the Pankhurst phalanx and the distinguished persons have submitted philosophically to insult and assault; but what a curious delusion it is that the men who light the bat tles of England and govern the empire can be terrilled into giving their moth ers, wives, sisters atod daughters the ballot by such tactics as the smash ing of such plate glass windows, the de struction of mail matter, slapping cabi net ministers and petticoat defiance of long suffering uniformed policemen. An assault upon the accumulated treasures of the national gallery, the British museum and the tower of Lon don is now expected as a coercive measure, and the guarding forces have been increased to prevent the desecra tion. If these poor creatures could see clearly and reason with calmness they would realize that if they truly repre sent women they are proving the incapacity of their sex to use the ballot intelligently and with any sense of responsibility. It is obvious that they misrepresent women as a class outra geously and deplorably. FATE OF THE SCHOLAR From I he Boston Post. He was primed in ancient Coptic and the earliest Egyptian, and the old Niue vite inscriptions were to him but ABC. He Knew Basque and old Etruscan, and was voluble lft Sanskrit, and could read the Zend Avesta with great perspicacity; And he knew the old Turanian, and the Javanese and Hebrew, and the Wam panoag dialect Hindustani, and the rest; And the great old ancient language spoke before the Tower of Babel, and all dialects and idioms spoke between the East and West. But he tried the fashion column in his wife's domestic paper, and no slightest trace of meaning did it anywhere betray; When he struck a long description of a swagger hridal costume it brought on a brain congestion, and his grave was dujf next day. A SUPPOSITION From the Houston Post. We suppose the small Illinois ass who declined to sit at the IJncoln banquet with Senator Bailey remained in his stall and chawed his oats. THE DEAD MARC H OF THE WATERS W. A. Boord. Melbourne, Australia. By the blazing messmate seated as the skies begin to darken, And the eager flames ascending, seem to floutc the tempest's din. Swells, mysterious and mournful, over all a surging • * * hearken! ’Tis the Dead March of the Waters * • • and the tide is creeping in. Near the headland, where the she-oaks swing their melancholy tresses. And the ti-tree turns to twilight all the sultry glare of noon, Where the wrack In clin~ing clusters every basalt crag caresses Broods in solitary silence, Desolation^" Point lagoon. There, when youth’s brief course grows sluggish, and its lures have given over, Are the merry mountain waters to the bitter ocean wed, And the tides roll heavy laden with the gages of a lover. And in secrecy and sorrow’ doth the sea give up its dead. Evermore from furthest ocean drift wan garlands to that wooing; Stiff and twisted, bruised and broken, are they cast upon the strand; On each face a pallid calmness, half a smile at its undoing, Half a shattered hope of rescue ,and a clenching at the hand. Though-I’m ageing to that music, I shall never cease to fear it; ^Still I draw up to the fireside, happy but to be within. Think it foolish? * * • Listen* • • there row * * • that low moan ing! Can you hear it? ’Tis the Dead March of the Waters • • • and the tide is creeping in.