The Birmingham age-herald. [volume], June 27, 1913, Page 4, Image 4

About The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950

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THE AGE-HERALD
K, W. BARRETT..Editor
Entered at the Birmingham, Ala.,
postoffice as second class matter under
wet of Congress March ii. 1879.
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THE AGE-HERALD.
Birmingham, Ala.
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ing.
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eign advertising.
TELEPHONE
Bell * private rxchnnge connecting mU
departments). No. 41)00.
It will lip rnln tonlKhl—
l.ct It pome down.
—Huekelii.
Premiums and Policies
The published reports of life insur
ance companies in Canada and the
United States show that a sum in ex
cess of $626,000,000 was distributed
by these organizations during the
year 1912, but the public would like
to know what the receipts on prem
iums have been and also how these
receipts were expended.
The general impression prevails
that life insurance, in fact insurance
of all sorts, costs too much, and that
this cost could be greatly reduced if
insurance were made a state business.
What are known as the "old line”
companies are patronized because of
the belief the public has in their sta
bility, but they can hardly claim to be
more safe or staple than the state,
and if a plan of life insurance with
premiums less than and security at
least equal to the old line companies
were submitted to the people there is
little doubt but that many more than
at present would avail themselves of
the benefit of insurance.
The subject of insurance has been
considered and discussed by Hon.
Arthur I. Vorys in an article pub
lished in "Case and Comment,” a
legal magazine, and he states that
one item alone, the item of costs and
fees paid by insurance companies in
1912 for the privilege of doing busi
ness was over $26,000,000, and that
this vast sum was paid by the policy
holders. But that is only one item,
and not the greatest. The expenses of
operation must necessarily run into a
fabulous sum considering the number
of presidents, vice presidents, mana
gers, submanagers, clfcrks, agents
and collectors engaged in the insur
ance business, and for this also the
policyholder has to pay.
No doubt the $626,000,000 paid out
in one year is a great sum of money
and must necessarily have brought
welcome relief to many, but the ques
tion still remains, how much were the
receipts, and how much was expended
outside the payments on the policies,
and what were the objects of the ex
penditure^
Defeat of lludget Plan
As was anticipated, the House of
Representatives has voted down the
budget proposition of the majority
leaders. Mr. Underwood long ago
sounded a warning that the present
system of appropriations was unbusi
nesslike and that the government’s
expenditures could never be properly
controlled until some mejins was de
vised for the compilation of a prelim
inary budget which could be rigidly
adhered to.
No great business concern can make
expenditures in haphazard fashion. To
have some sort of limit is the only
business-like way. No doubt the great
majority of congressmen realize this
but the temptation to secure what
they can from the public treasury is
too great and they feared they would
not have the same opprtunity before a
budget committee as they have under
the present system.
The defeat of the leaders on this
proposition is sure to be only tem
porary. _
Hobson No Piker
There is one significant point on
which the followers and opponents of
Richmond Pearson Hobson can agree;
one common ground on which the
sheep and the goats might come to
gether in peace and amity.
The Sixth district congressman is
no piker.
When he admitted an ambition to
move in an upward circle from one
sphere of endeavor to another, and
when he added that his present as
piration was but a growdh from a
modest beginning which would con
tinue to fexpand and extend, the gen
eral impression prevailed that the
hero of the Merrimac was ambitious
to serve his people as President of
the United States.
That impression might be correct.
But from the following declaration
I which succeeded a remarkable word
[ picture of certain Utopian dreams
realized, and which was included in
his recent address delivered at the
Bijou theatre, it must be admitted
that there is reason for the belief
that the worthy captain’s ambition is
not limited, or abridged in any man
ner or particular which the most
visionary might imagine:
“Then the nations will listen to
propositions to develop the
Hague conference into an inter
national parliamentary legisla
tive body, the Hague tribunal
into an international court, and
at last develop an international
executive that will protect each
individual nation without its hav
ing to carry an army and navy
to settle its differences.”
International executive! Ah, there's
the climax.
If it is Hobson’s ambition, as he
admits, to move from one sphere of
human endeavor to another, it is only
reasonable to presume that he hopes
to become in length of time an inter
national executive of arbitrary power
whose philanthropic duty it shall be
to preserve each nation in possession
of its inalienable rights. Some years,
however, must elapse. He must
achieve, first of all, the senatorial
berth for which he is famishing. He
then, with ordinary modesty, must
next aspire to a cabinet position in
which he could exert his splendid dip
lomatic talent. Then his entire sys
tem will be in tune for service as
President of the nation. Then, he
might advance another step, and
crown himself international execu
tive, the lord high poo-bah of all the
land and sea.
C*an any man dispute the assertion
that the gallant captain is no piker?
In promulgation of the “great uplift,”
he would move gradually forward and
upward, step by step, or as Tennyson
so aptly and beautifully expresses it:
“In ever highering eagle circles
up!” _
No Weather Records Broken
Weather Observer Horton says Bir
mingham has had longer warm spells
and higher temperatures in June than
has been the case during the past 12
days when the thermometer has re
corded above 90 degrees each day. The
present warm spell, however, is nota
ble for its continuity, not even a
shower coming to bring relief.
Yesterday was the sixteenth day
since rain fell in Birmingham, which,
according to the local records, is the
longest dry spell in June since 1896.
The maximum temperature for the
present spell was 97 degrees, but 97
was reached on June 4, 1911, two j
weeks earlier than this month's fig- ]
ure.
Mr. Horton continues:
•'There were 20 days in June,
1897, and 22 days in June, 1899,
when the maximum readings
ranged from 90 to 101. The high
est temperature did not drop be
low 95 or rise above 99 from June
20 to 29, 1901. Headings were above
90 degrees on .all but six days in
June, 1902, but as no day had a
higher temperature than 99 degrees
the average maximum for that
month, 92.6 degrees, was two
tenths of a degree less than June,
1897, the highest mean maximum
reading on record at tills station
for June.”
There is some consolation in know
ing that it might be worse and if
Birmingham citizens will consult the
daily weather map, published in The
Age-Herald, they will see that Bir
mingham is faring well in comparison
with some of the northern and eastern
cities. _
The Contented Woman
Advocates of female suffrage have
expressed the opinion in Birmingham
that one of the gravest obstacles in
their struggle for the ballot is the
contented woman.
If, as is suggested, before equal
suffrage can obtain in Alabama, it
will be necessary for the agitators of
that propogunda to make the con
tented woman, the\/discontented
woman, there is little question but
that mere man will interpose.
It is unquestionably true, as has
been contended, that if all the women
of this state were united under the
banner of the suffragists, the object
which lies close to their hearts, would
be obtained. It would be a serious
blow to their cause, however, should
they proceed in the hope of final vic
tory on a general plan of making the
woman who is satisfied with her
home and in the work of her home,
dissatisfied.
In a politicifl movement having for
its object any drastic change in condi
tions, it is some times exceedingly
difficult to avoid the commission of
serious blunders. For instance, when
a suffragette threw her life away
under the hoofs of the king's horse,
men inwardly wondered whether or
not that act was indicative of what
might occur should the English women
be permitted to vote. And in Ala
bama, it is natural to presume that
should the members of an equal suf
frage organization wage warfare
against the contented woman, men
would fear the consequence of their
own action should they determine to
grant the agitators their wish.
The contented woman, contrary to
the belief of many of those members
of her sex who desire to vote, is in
telligent, highly intelligent; has con
! sidered the arguments pro and eon
J which have been produced in regard
to equal suffrage, and after consider
ation, has cast her silent and unosten
tatious ballot against a political cru
sade in which she must play an active
part. The women of Alabama who
desire the ballot are of a high order
of intelligence. They believe, and
their conception is correct, that
women are men’s equal in every re
spect. They hold that woman should
bestir herself, and have her ‘‘yea” and
“nay” in regard to those who shall
rule and exercise the taxing power.
The contented woman, on the other
hand, of equal mental development,
believes that woman’s place is in her
home, with her husband and her
children. She is ambitious. Be not
deceived on that point. She would
see her husband succeed above all
other men in the world of business and
politics, and see him happy in the
evening in his home. She is of that
type which hopes, nay, believes, that
her son will be a President of the
United States.
No man in Alabama has criticised
the women who desire the right of
suffrage. There is no man who has
failed to take the movement seriously.
But it will prove disastrous to the
cause, it is believed, should a con
certed effort be undertaken to make
the woman who is contented, discon
tented. If there is a woman, or a
man, in all the broad world who is
happy in that station of life to which
he has been called, do not pity her, or
him. It would be better to imitate the
example.
Nat Goodwin says he will retire from
the stage and devote himself to holding
his wife, m view of tfie fuct that the
present Mrs. Goodwin is extremely good
looking, if Nat should get a cramp in ids
arms, or anything like that, there would
be plenty of persons willing to relieve him.
Andy Carnegie was visible in a moving
picture show in a Birmingham theatre
recently. He looked much depressed. Can
it be that the way he was treated by Van
derbilt has given the old gentleman a
pain?
There are a great many people who have
never thought very highly of Sing Sing
as a place of residence. The statement
that it is unhealthy is easy to believe.
Although .1 French bacteriologist found
10,000,000 germs in a pic, we expect short
ly after writing these paragraphs to con
sume an extra large slice of blackberry.
The report that certain epicures are din
ing on scented food reminds one that
scented food is nothing new. It is usually
condemned in this part of the country.
Maybe it vae the way that fellow of
fered Senator Mar tine a cocktail, more
than the drink it3elf, that made the sen
ator want to fight.
Kansas City school children deposited
more »than $50,000 in banks during the
school year just closed. That's more
than teacher did.
President Wilson drinks a bottle of cold
milk about the middle of the morning.
Might as well grow turnips in the White
House mint bed.
A postal clerk who was arrested had
12 dollar watches on his person Still, lie
didn't seem to know that it was time to
skip.
The boy on a farm thinks he has ti
work hard. He ought to come to town
and watch a soda water jerker on a hot
day.
Tlie hydro-aeroplane may appeal to some
people as a means of getting about, but
we still prefer the old-fashioned Pullman.
A ragtime composer says he can’t write
a note of music. Give him credit for be
ing truthful, at any rate.
Our idea of nothing to reatl is a news
paper article entitled, “Summer Hygiene
for Poodles."
The man who takes his wife with him
on a motorcycle doesn't really love her as
lie should.
Water is reported to ne scarce In Illi
nois, but the breweries are working over
time.
An elevator boy v ho saved a man’s life
was bequeathed $200,000. “Going up!”
THREADBARE
From tlie Cle veland Plain Dealer.
The man had been accused of commit
ting an annoyance by flashing a mirror in
the eyes of passersby.
“You are quite mistaken,” he said to the
big policeman. “I haven't any mirror.
What these people saw was the reflection
of my shining serge coat—I'm a married
man and the coat is four years old.”
And turning hastily lie threw the daz
zling reflection from his back and el
bows into the policeman’s dazzled eyes.
Aiul by the time the officer recovered be
was well on hfs way.
POINTED PARAGRAPHS
From the Chicago News.
Cruel words seldom cut lazy people
to the quick.
Premature gray hairs cause the
good to dye young.
Take things easy, if they don’t be
long to others.
Hero worship - is often but another
name for self-esteem.
There’s no show for the small boy
who can’t get into the circus.
Garbage and love letters should be
burned before they create trouble.
Almost any diplomatic female can
teach a man to think he is teaching
her.
Satan furnishes his own gasoline
when you permit him to act as your
chauffeur.
Once in a great while there is a
political boss who gets away with it
at home. ^
Me n and women take desperate
chances sometimes—for instance, when
they get married.
It may he better to give than to re
ceive. but few of us are in a position
to keep It up indefinitely.
Many of the world’s great men are
unknown to fame. They are great be
cause they share their pleasures with
others and keep their troubles to them
selves.
IN HOTEL LOBBIES
Wntdilag 3kyK(,rii|)i><‘ I’rogrrM
"To me it is most interesting to aland
on the .sidewalk and gaze up at the pigmy
like forma busily at work on the Jeffer
son County Bank building." said a citizen.
"My duties In the office, however, pre
vent my standing on Twenty-first street
for more than five minutes at a time, and
I have but little opportunity to Indulge In
sightseeing.
"It seems to me that Ihis building has
gone up much faster than did some of the
other large office buildings of Birming
ham. I understand that II Is now 43
feet higher than any other skyscraper in
(lie city. The brlckmasons arc manfully
trying lo keep in sight of the structural
steel workers and are but a fewr stories
below them now."
Thinking AImmiI \ ncntlou
“During thees days of Dot weather and,
of course, inertia, it is bard for one to
reconcile oneself to the daily routine of
irksome toil,” said a resident of the
east end.
“Ordinarily i am very energetic, but
for more than a week past nearly every
movement I make costs me much effort.
For some time 1 have been tired and
droopy and vacation thoughts occupy my
mind to the exclusion of nearly everything
else. In my mind’s eye I see a river bank,
a shady spot, a pole with a reel on one
end and a line on the other with a cork
hobbling on the surface of the placid
water—but why go further?”
South <'arolliiu'x Misfortune
“South Carolina has always been fam
ous north and south, east and west, for
its pride, and it has boasted of its blue
blood ever since the days of royal gov
ernors,” said a native Alabamian.
“Charleston, the state’s chief city, has
long been recognized as being made up
largely of an exclusive society which
holds all conventionalities in the highest
esteem.
“With all this in mind, it must be very
galling to'the people of the state to have
their governor, Cole Blease, indulging in
sucrh outbursts as is his habit on every
suitable or unsuitable occasion. I know
that those who blush at ids utterances
and actions are not the ones who put him
in office. Blease is in the saddle as tDe
result, of some of the most unusual polit
ical conditions to be found in any state
in the union.
“People in all sections of the country
who have regard for the proprieties look
upon Cole Blease even as do the people
of South Carolina who have delicate sen
sibilities. It is indeed fortunate that so
few states are harassed by such execu
tives, and yet I am especially sorry that
a state with such antecedents a3 South
Carolina should be a victim.’’
Toiirlxt Travel Good to W ext
“Business on the Frisco lines is very
good at this time." said Jack Cornatzer,
assistant general passenger agent, yester
day while in Birmingham. "With no
special attractions to draw them the peo
ple are going west in gratifying numbers.
The Frisco lines will show, I think, a very
marked increase in business this sum
mer as compared to last, which should
convince people that the cry to ‘See Amer
ica first’ is growing in favor.
“The western country offers every pos
sible attraction to the travelers, and there
are many sights and places of interest
in that great country that are not even
imagined by the average resident of this
country. Europe has no grander scenery
to offer than have Arizona, Colorado and
many other western states, while in Mon
tana there are located places that are
awe inspiring in their splendor. Of course
Europe sounds fine and is attractive, but
on the Frisco lines and its connections
are many places and points that ecjual in
interest and romance the country across
the ‘pond.’
“Again, the receivership on our line is
not worrying anyone. Our service is being
improved and absolutely none of the of
ficials have that depressed feeling that
usually accompanies a real receivership.*'
••tireen** Policeman’* Trouble*
“Stories are being told dally at police
headquarters of the 'doings’ of the ‘green’
policemen now on strike- duty," said a.
man about town. “One of them is on De
tective Jim Daly. It seems that late
Wednesday right Detective Jim was
rather tired and worn out from the long
IS hour stretch lie had been pounding the
sidewalks of Birmingham in search of Jy
r.amtiters and other harmless individuals.
Picking out a comfortable doorway on
Third avenue, between Nineteenth and
Twentieth streets, he sat down to rest.
“He had not been seated very long be
fore one of the new policemen caine in
sight, and at seeing Jim Daly sitting
there, his eyes brightened perceptibly, for
at least he was to make his first arrest.
“ 'Here! here!’ shaking Defective Daly
roughly, 'Wliat are you doing; you’ll have
to come along with me,’ said the new offi
cer.
“ 'Eh; what's that?’ queried Jim. 'Why
should 1 go along with you?’
“ 'Because you're under arrest.’
“ 'On what charge?’
“ 'Of loitering in the streets.’
“ Have you a warrant?’
' 'Why no; do you have to have a war
rant?'
“ ‘Well, you can't arrest me without a
warrant.’
' “Well, I hadn't thought of that, but 1
suppose if you say I need a warrant it
must be so,' said the now thoroughly un
comfortable ‘extra’ policeman.
“ ‘I most certainly do say so,’ bellowed
.Urn Daly. ‘Now you hustle straight to
Chief Bodekor and get me a warrant fer
my arrest; I insist on having a warrant.’
“ ‘Well, I wouldn't get too mad about
it.’ said the new one. I was only fooling
about arresting you anyway. But jure
enough, do you need a warrant to make
an arrest?*
“Later in the night Chief Bodeker re
ceived a written request for a bunch of
warrants, which greatly mystified that
much harassed individual."
BlEWER’S DEAFNESS
From Chronicle and Comment in the July
Bookman. •
If Byron was possessed of an enormous
vanity Sir Edward Bulwer-Lytton was
quite his equal in that respect. There was
a medium oy the name of Home who in
the course of an eventful life held spirit
ualistic meetings in the United States,
England, and on the continent of Europe;
was expelled from Rome as a sorcerer;
married twice, each time to a Russian
lady of rank, and published various
books. Home was particularly disliked by
Charles Dickens, who applied to him all
the hard names of w'hlch he could think.
Mr. Bigelow once remarked to Dickons
that Bulwer had faith in the medium.
“Oh, yes.” Dickens replied, “but you see
Bulwer is deaf and does not like to have
it remarked; so Home would say. ‘Do you
hear those raps?’ ai.d Bulwer would say,
'Oh yes, l Heard them perfectly.’ M
TIGHTS OUT OF DATE
Paris Correspondence In the New York
American.
T should think that one vast and
cherished Parisian industry would go
under very soon indeed, if present con
ditions continue unchanged. I refer to
I he manufacture of the much maligned
yet beautiful article known as tights.
Understand, please, that these are no
merely frivolous remarks for the
delectation of bald-headed enthusiasts,
but a serious lamentation on the ap
parent passing of a picturesque in
stitution.
If you want to realize the infre
quency of tights, all you have to do is
to go to three reviews—at the Olympia,
La Cigale and the Moulin Konge. Then
you will know the truth in all its in
timacy. Tights have—vanished.
At the three review resorts I have
just mentioned, while a few of the
girls still cater to the traditional de
mand for tights, the really popular art-,
ists, the majestic and illumined ones,
wear simply—if I may say so—and 1
e’en must say so—ami why shouldn’t 1
say so?—and how could I say it other
I wise than saying it so?—they wear
[simply bare legs!
There Is no bluff about it. There is
no attempt to explain or even to com-1
nient. The bare-legged figurante in
[ Paris today is absolutely general. You
see her wherever you go—at other
I reviews than those to which I have i
alluded. Personally, I am bound to con- |
less that the innovation is to me a i
very pretty one.
1 like it—really. When you come to
ponder on it, tights are, after all, a
more or less clumsy attempt to simu
late nature—an attempt justified mere
ly by tradition. There is no other ex
cuse for it. Moreover, why should there
be an excuse? Women do not wear
fleshings over their arms in evening
clothes. Why, then, should it be nec
essary for them to cover the other
limbs?
The review at tlie Moulin Rouge is a
very handsome one, indeed. It is called
“Vicieuse Va!” which means nothing,
and the gowns are particularly beau
tiful and costly. Nearly all the lovely
ones wear their limbs unadorned—
mat]f up, I imagine, but that is all. The
saving to the management—or to the
girls themselves—must be tremendous.
Moreover, one mustn't forget that the
new Idea is a singularly healthy one
for the poor little gells themselves. In
stead of being retarded, ns to their cir
culation, in those dreadful tight tights,
that sometimes, like Tennyson’s ocean,
break, break, break—they are free and
easy and alive to cool breezes.
WANTED, LEGIBLE SIGNATURES
From the New York Sun.
“Kindly favor us with a legible signa
ture." is an appeal now often encoun
tered. It appears on the letter beads of
many a lgal firm and is consplciousl.v
printed on contracts and other Important
documents. In hotels this request is |
sometimes used as a heading on each i
page of the register or printed on a card. !
It hangs in plain vie wof the counter. !
A room clerk In one of the big hotels ,
declares that the task of deciphering
signatures has reached a crisis.
“It has got to the point where we j
couldn’t bluff on names any longer,” he I
said. “In these days of constant tele- j
phoning and telegraphing we’ve simply j
got to be sure that every guest’s name
is correctly entered on our books or
there’s bound to bo trouble.
“Of course a successful hotel clerk
must have a gift of deciphering bad
signatures just as he must have a good j
memory for names and faces, but when
a man we’ve never seen before comes in
and scrawls a long wavy line on the
register without a single letter plain
enough to even guess at how are we
going to call him by name the next
minute? He may have Important mail
waiting for him or ho may be tele
phoned for any minute, so our request
for a legible signature arises out of a
necessity.
“It's usually men of prominence who
dislike being asked for a plain signa
ture. One man who comes here often
evidently gives a good deal of trouble
to new correspondents because of his l>a«l
signature. It's no uncommon thing for
letters to come here intended for him,
but on euch envelope instead of a type
written address is pasted the man's own
signature, evidently cut from Ids lette.
Below is the hotel address as usual. He
always treats these letters as a huge j
joke and seems to pride himself on j
writing his name so that no one could j
guess what it was."
A member of a law firm on whose I
letterheads is printed “A legible signa
ture is requested,’* says that these few
words have saved his firm much trou
ble. Papers no longer have to be re
turned for resigning, as was formerly the
case, because the first signature could
not be read. Before his request for a
legible signature was made important le
gal documents often had to be entirely
rewritten because of the parties refused
to accept the signatures of some of the
others on account of their illegibility.
A large employer of labor has made
It a rule recenetly to have all applica
tions for work brought to him. He or
ders each letter folded so that the signa
ture alone shall show. He goes over
these, picks out the signatures that ap
peal to him and gives theso applicants
precedence over the others.
“If a man doesn’t know enough to
sign his name so I can read it, I don’t i
want him to work for me,’* ho sevys.
INFLUENCE OF BORROW
From Chronicle and Comment in the
July Bookman.
Some months ago a reader of Jeffrey
Farnol’s "The Broad Highway" came to
us with what he regarded as a dis
covery. "Do you know where Farnol
got that book?" he said. "He simply t
rewrote Borrow’s 'Lavengro.’ " Now, as j
a matter of fact, Mr. Farnol did noth- j
Ing of the kind. He simply sensed that
the time was ripe for a return to the j
romance of the road. He borrowed the
Borrovian spirit, and produced "The
Broad Highway," and Its successor,
"The Amateur Gentleman," and Mr. 1
A. S. M. Hutchinson followed In his
footsteps with his delightful "The
Happy Warrior." To say thaf these
writers owed a certain amount of their
inspiration to Borrow does not in the |
least reflect on the originality of their
achievement.
FOUR BARRELED GUN
From the Popular Mechanics.
A formidable four-barreled gun and a
"stalking horse" Is used by an Oregon
rancher for goose hunting. The goose gun
was made from two old English elephant
guns, which came across the Oregon trail
40 or 50 years ago. Two of the barrels
are four-bore and the othqr two five
bore. A charge of from 10 to 11 drains
of black powder is used for each barrel.
Tills gun and the "stalking horse" com
prise the chief means of entertaining
eastern men who visit the ranch. The
"horse, ' known as "Charley," gets the
hunters ••lose enough to a flock of the
wily birds to make a broadside possible.
ADRIFT WITH THE TIMES
_' i
A CLOUD ON THE HORIZON.
A CHICAGO broker has succeeded in
persuading a famous dancer to
say that site will marry him. His
entire system permeated by a happy glow,
he forthwith talks for publication, telling
t’he avid reporters w ho gathered about him
that his Tuture wife would henceforth
dance for him alone. Did the "morning
star of his existence”* smile coyly and
murmur. "I shall always respect my dear
husband's wishes. Now that love has en
tered Into my life the glare of the foot
lights no longer appeals n> me and 1 care
not for the plaudits of the multitude"?
Did the lady speak in that wise? We wot
not! She simply said, when asked about
the matter, "Oh, I don't know." We scent
trouble there. We extend our condolence
in advance to the broker. We have an
Idea that the fair dancer, having already
danced into his life, will some day turn
right around and dance out of it, smiling
a gay farewell.
NOT AT ALL, PROMINENT.
He's never worn a tall silk hat,
He never has addressed the crowd.
His tongue unite glib, ht^ language pat.
His voice at times.extremely loud.
He ne'er took part In street parade.
Applauding throngs beside the way,
L'nto the press has never made
A statement almost every day.
He never has been seen as yet
Hot-footing It to Washington.
To tell Woodrow, as soon us met,
The way the nation should be run.
He’s never ranted, never posed
And never fooled his fellow men.
Nor "pulled the wires" when doors were
closed—
..-e’s just a simple citizen.
PLAIN WORDS.
"What I admire about you, Plimson, Is
your self-assurance.”
"Thanks, Cohawlt.”
"Considering how little you have to hack
it up with, the showing you make is re
markable.”
I
AX EASY LIFE.
The aviator soared aloft.
Upon his fellojy men looked down.
Then murmured, "This la pretty soft,
I win both riches and renown
And many a maid’s admiring glance,
A thing that pleases much, bv heck!
' And all because I take a chance
On some day breaking my tool neck.”
BASHFUL.
Perhaps 1* in'old-fashioned
And overly shy,
And with women my speech
May be dreary and dry;
But. when married or single
Girls call upon us
Eugenics is something
1 never diacuss.
—Detroit Free Proas.
Perhaps I'm old-fashioned
And shouldn’t be so;
Perhaps I belong to the past—
I don’t know’.
But, honest, I And
I’m unable to blurt
To a strange woman: “Madam,
You’re losing your skirt.’’ I
—Johnstown Democrat. I
It may be I’m backward
And quit© out of dale,
But when I’m out walking
And run across Kate,
And see what’s she wearing,
I’m forced to admit
I'm not very strong for
The skirt with a slit.
WHY IS IT?
A man may make the best of fate,
And yet.
When for a train he’s forced to wait.
Will fret.
DIDN'T PAINT.
A lovely girl
Was Daisy Blue,
Whose cheeks retained
Their native hue.
—Birmingham Age-Herald.
A lovely girl
Was Daisy White,
Whose clothes didn’t flt
So awful tight.
-Observer
IT OFTEN HAPPENS.
There’s many a man
Will “rush the can’’
And head straight for perdition, , I
But with his wife,
Or in public life,
He shouts for prohibition.
PAL'D COOK.
BIGGEST SHIP AFLOAT
From the Kansas ( ity Star.
NEW YORK grabbed a clean hand-1
kerchief and rushed frantically j
down to the Battery or over *o j
Hoboken the other day to wave the. Im-l
perator, largest ship in the world, into
port.
For New York 1 ad been correctly in
formed that if the giant Hamburg-Ameri
can liner w re suddenly to rear up and sit
erect upon its rudder, which being a lady,
no liner would do, particularly on its
maiden voyage, the golden eagle figure
head upon its bow would stick up intoj
the air a distance of 919 feet. They had |
already figured out that this is 109 feet!
higher than the tower on top of the
Woolworth building before tlie big ship’s
siren boomed a warning note and the
small craft in the channel scampered ou'.
of the way like frightened kittens.
With rare discretion officials of the lino
had prepared a pier 1000 feet long at Hobo
ken, N.'J., and assembled all the tugs that
the line owns to warp the flouting apart
ment hotel into its berth. But the Impel
ator was the most polite maiden ship hat
ever stuck its nose into New York harbor.
In spite of the fact that it is almost a
fifth of a mile long, has a tonnage of fiO,
000, and is only one foot less in width than
Grand avenue's 99 foot expanse, it consid
erately left enough water in the channel
for the welcoming craft that hovered
about it at respectful distance. Also the
big fleet of tugs, impatient to show the
latest wrinkles in making nig ships stand
over, had to admit that all but a couple
might have gene fishing. "So easily was t lie
pier tied up to tile ship.
Some day some one will discover Hi.it
the buildings of the Imperatot* left out
something, lie will immediately become
famous. In the meantime th«* visitor v/ho
goes aboard without notifying his rela
tives or engaging a guide will be apt to
find the insurance companies have paid
his policies to his widow before he can
find his way out again. It is almost as
effective as one alcoholic drink on a hot
day even to name over the list of dining
rooms, ballrooms, winter garden and palm
rooms, grill room3, smoking rooms, gym-j
nasiwms, roof gardens, public baths and!
luxurious lounges contained within the
bulging steel sides of the Imperator. If
you are ever a passenger on this ship you |
can go swimming in the middle of the
Atlantic ocean, i^u bottom will only oe
nine feet down, for in this case you will
be in the liner’s Roman bath and pool, -10
feet long and 21 feel wide. Track and field
meets will be entirely possible upon its
decks for there is a 100 yard straight away
and a circular running track in the gym.
The only oversight in the sport field is a
golf links, and even this might be added.
Promenading around B deck with your1
best girl, you mlgnt easily believe your
self on Bnadwa.., for just inside you
will find social hall, a spacious gathering
piece, where theatricals may bo presented
on a stage at one end, or dancing be en
joyed just as on shore. And the special 1
loll absorbers with which the ship is fitted
and its great breath of beam so eliminated
the pitching motion that not a single1
chessman or tall glass was overturned In
the smoking rooms on the voyage Just
completed.
Going to oed aboard the Imperator has
been deprived of all bunk. For the con
ventional built in berths of ordinary sh',jff
have given place to modern ted rooms
with brass bedsteads, dressing tables,
locking chairs and all the comforts of
home. Two chefs presiding over the Riiz
Carlton restaurant have under them 11 c»
assistant cooks and the Pig ship's cooling
end storage looms carry enough food sup
plies to supply a mi y of 0000 persons three
or four times a day. ]f you care for fig
ures it might he interesting to know also
that 43,30*) napkins ore used In the dining
and grill rooms and cafes aboard and that
there are 30,000 towels and 9700 bed sheets
In the ship's $50,000 outlay of linen.
The Imperatftr just jogged along com
ing across from Hamburg on its first trip.
Its best day’s log was 556 miles, it did
l ot try for speed records, but maintained
a speed of frem 21 to 22 Va knots an hour,
completing the crossing In 6 days 9 hours
and 55 minutes from the breakwater at
Cherbourg to the Ambrose lightship.
Rough ami foggy weather prevailed sev
eral days during the voyage, so that when
the 400 stokers get orders to steam things
up and Cant. llans Ruser takes off the
bridle all crossing lecords probably will
be smashed. Captain Ruser, who is 5o '
years old and looks 35 in spite of the reg- I
ulation chin and lip decorations always
associated with the gold braid of the man j
on the bri»l \ Is in reality admiral. For |
he hus four captains under him and one *>r ,
more of them are always on the bridge, I
while one is detailed as office manager, j
looking afl«r everything Insido the float
ing monster. This leaves Captain Ruser I
with, nothing except navigation to Icok
after.
A wireless service wilth a radius of 1500
miles not only insures communication
with the shore and other ships all the v.av
across, but also gathers up world wide
news. A newspaper staff edits and gath
ers on shipboard other materia! that
makes Interesting reading for the daily
issue of the ship's paper. The total pas
senger capacity of 4100 and a crew of
1100 insures plenty of readers. You might i
easily be bored to death with further Jg
ures Indicative of the great size and rto
ganee of the biggest sh’p afloat, but it
is enough to add that had its buildes been
only a little more prodigal *n the use of
material, a man seated on the stern deck
would still be saying good by to friends
in New Jersey while the forward look
out was telling missus and the kids howdy
in Hamburg.
-- - - -----
SONG OF THE WIDOW
———————*
By Rudyard Kipling.
y a VR you 'eard u’ the Widow at Windsor
j\ tf’With a hairy gold crown on 'er ’ead?
y^^She 'as ships on the foam—she ’as millions at home,
• * An’ %he pays us poor beggars in red.
(Ow, poor beggars in red!)
There’s ’er nick in the cavalry 'orses,
There’s ’er mark on the medical stores—
An’ 'er troopers you’ll find with a lair wind be’ind
That takes us to various wars.
(Poor beggars!—barbarous wars!)
Then 'ere’s to the stores an’ the guns,
The men an’ the ’orses what maiy;s up the forces
O’ Mrs. Victorier’s sons.
(poor beggars!—Victorier's sons!)
Walk wide o’ the Widow of Windsor,
For 'alf o’ creation she ow|s;
We ’ave salted it down with our bones.
(Poor beggars—it’s blue with bones.)
Hands off o’ the goods in ’er shop,
For the kings must come down an’ the emperor frown /
When the Widow at Windsor says “Stop!” f
(Poor beggars!—We re sent to say “Stop!”
Then ’ere’s to the lodge o’ the Widow,
From the pole to the tropics It runs—
To the lodge that we tile with the rank an’ the lilt:
An’ open in form with the guns.
(Poor beggars!—it’s always them guns.)
We ’ave ’card o’ the Widow at Windsor,
It’s safest to let ’er alone.
For 'er sentries we stand by the sea an’ the land
Whenever the bugles are blown.
(Poor beggars!—an’ don’t we get blown!)
Take ’old o’ the wings o’ the mornin’.
An’ flop round the earth till you’re dead;
But you won’t, get away from the tune that they play
To the bloomin’ old rag overe’ead!)
Then 'ere’s to the«sons o’ the Widow,
Wherever, 'owever they roam. I
’Ere’s all they desire, an” if they requir#
A speedy return to their ’ome.
tFoor beggars!—they’ll never see