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SEET -^ig ^yPiniEyBEmDimiffi. H £ ^ I 1 AVE a glass iv beer with me,” said Mr. Hennessy. “ What's that?” demanded Mr. Dooley. “ I said,” Mr. Hennessy replied testily, “ will ye have a glass iv beer with me—an’ on me—or I \ won't ye?” “ I will ndvt,” said Mr. Dooley. “ HoW dare ye make such a suggestion to me? If I thought ye had six cints in ye'er clothes I'd sue ye f’r libel. I wud so. I'll have ye to know that these secrit rumors that ar-re circulatin’ around about me dhrinkin’ habits has got to stop. I do not dhrink beer, butthermilk, pop, ice crame sody, sarsprilly, or tay in anny form. Whin much fatigued be talkin’ to ye, I sometimes take a glass iv brandy with a tayspoonful iv milk in it. But not often, as I do not like th’ taste iv milk. Whin I have a chill or thirst I dhrink modhrately iv a bucket or two iv whisky, brandy, rum, gin, karosene, or gasolene. I niver take champagne excipt whin th’ doctor ordhers it, an’ if th’ dock ordhers it he’s got to pay f’r it, too. I niver dhrink cham pagne. Ari^ there ye have in a few brief wurruds me innocent dhrinkin’ habits.” “What ar-re ye talkin’ about?” said Mr. Hen nessy. “ Ye niver dhrink har'ly annything aAll.” “I know it,” said Mr. Dooley, “but I don’t want it to get out. I’m thinkin* iv goin' back into pollyticks again, an' I Want th’ earnest dhrinkers iv th’ counthry to feel that I’m wan iv thim. They’re a large an’ inflooinchal body iv men an’ much niglicted. So if ye hear anny rumors in th’ fash’nable clubs that ye frequint that I am not hon’rapy prisidint iv th’ Ancient Ordher iv Alco holics, that I don’t have th’ pain killer piped into me while I sleep, or that me on’y physical exer cise is not deleeryum threatens, I want ye to denounce thim as base, false, an’ malicious. If they ask ye, ‘ Did ye iver smell his breath ?’ tell thim ye have, that*Ve cudden’t help it, livin’ in th’ same sthrect. If they ask ye, ‘ Did ye dgtict th’ prisince iv liquor?’ tell thim that th’ gusts fr’m me pipes is practically ninety per cint pure bensine, with a tayspoonful or two iv breath added. Tell thim iv th’ time ye found me on th’ i sthreet corner thryin’ to dance a turkey throt with a ISmp post. Tell thim iv the polismen I’ve bate. Let thim know that whin I go out iv town an' me frinds want to sind me home, which they always do at once, they have to crate me up an’ ship me be freight. Tell thim iv th’ time ye see me hurl me boot at th' polky dot elephant that thried to get into bed with me. Here •an’ now, Hinnissy, I appoint ye me campaign manager. If ye do ye'er jooty I'll capture th' intire alcoholic vote, an’, judgin’ be what I see an’ hear on iliction nights, that ought to land me aisy in anny office in our beloved fatherland. i “ Sure, it's a sthrange change has come over our pollyticks since I was captain iv me precinct. , We ar-re fallen, as Hogan says, on iffiminate days. Th’ hardy an’ gloryous peeryod in th’ his thry iv th’ republic has passed, an’ th’ times whin Hinnery Clay an' Dan’l Webster wud sit f’r hours pushin’ th’ scuttle to an’ fro acrost th’ table has gone to return no more. Booze an’ iloquence has both passed out iv our public life. No longer is th' gr-reat statesman carried to th' platform be loving hands an’ lashed to th’ railin’ where him an' King Alcohol sings a duet on th’ splindors iv . »th' blue sky an’ th’ onfadin’ glories iv th’ flag, y, but afther atin’ a pepsin tablet an’ sippin’ a glass iv light gray limonadc he reads to th’ assimbled multichood th’ financial repoort iv th’ Standard lie comp’ny f’r th' physical year endin’ June first. “ Mind ye, all this was bcfure my time. In my day I niver knew a gr-reat statesman that dhrank, or if he did he niver landed anny job betther thin clerk in th’ weather office. But as Hogan says Shakspeare says, they pretinded a vice if they had it not. A politician was a baten man if th’ story wint around that he was sildom seen dhrunk in public. 11 is aim was to create an imprissyon that he was a gay fellow, a jovyal toss pot, that thought nawthin’ iv puttin’ a gallon iv paint into him durin' an avenin’s intertainment. They had to exercise diplomacy, d’ye mind, to keep their repytations goin’. Whin Higgins was runnin’ f'r sheriff he always ordhered gin an’ I ■mays give him water. Ye undherstand, don’t ye? Ye know what gin looks like’ Well, wather looks like gin. Wan day Gallagher took up his glass be mistake an’ Higgins lost th’ precinct be forty votes. „Sinitor O'Brien held a bolder coorse. He used to dump th’ stuff on th' flure whin no wan was lookin’ an' go home with a light foot while I swept out his constiiooents. Yes, sir, I’ve seen him pour into th' sawdust quarts an' gallons iv me precious old Remorse Rye, aged be me own hands on th’ premises. “ Th’ most onpopylar prisidint we iver had was Rutherford B. Hayes—an’ why? Was it because he stole th’ prisidincy away fr’m Sam’l J. Tilden ? It was not. Anny wan w,ud stale a prisidincy fr’m a Dimmycrat in thim days an’ think th’ lar ceny was pathriotism. No, sir, ’twas because whin people wint up to th’ white house they got nawthin’ to dhrink but sparklin’ wather, a bivridge, Hinnissy, that is nayether cheerin’ nor ineebratin’, but gives ye th’ most inconvanient part iv a deebauch, that is th’ hiccups. Fr’m 8 o'clock, whin they set down to dinner, to 8:30, whin th’ last southern congressman ran shriekin’ clown th’ sthreet, this gr-reat but tactless man pumped his guests full iv imprisoned gas. An’ whin his term expired he wint back where he come fr'm an’ I niver heerd iv him again. Pol lvtickally speakin’, d’ye mind, he wint down, as ye might say, to a wathry grave. “ But it's all changed now, be hivens. Pollyti cians no longer come into me place. I’m glad iv it. I prefer th’ thrade iv prosp’rous steel manny his fav’rite bivrage, onless pressed be business. Th’ sicrety gathered th’ corryspondints together yisterdah afthernoon, an’, givin’ them each a glass iv grape juice, which they consumed ex officyo, asked thim to convey to th’ wurruld th’ news that it is undhersthud in officyal circles that th’ sicrety iv state has niver dhrunk booze, smoked or chewed tobacco, took snuff, swore, gambled, fought chickens, or danced th’ jelly glide.’ “ To show ye how times has changed, there’s javnial soul. ‘ F’r four years he was locked up in an asylum at Cambridge, Mass., kept be Dock Eliot an’ was discharged as oncurable.’ ‘ No,’ says another, ‘ it ain't lunacy. It's dhrink. I know it. I have it on th' best authority that at a diplomatic dinner he pasted Monseer Jusserand in th’ eye because iv a dispute about th’ Fr-rinch language. It is well known that th’ fam’ly got Bob Bacon to go into th' cabinet because lie's a big, sthrong man an’ cud handle him whin he ‘ Ye see me hurl me boot at th’ polky dot elephant that thried to get into bed with me.” facthrers like ye’ersilf. It’s more reg’lar. A statesman wud no more be seen goin’ into a saloon thin he wud into a meetin’ iv th’ Anti Semitic league. Th’ imprissyon he times to give is that th’ sight iv a bock beer sign makes him faint with horror, an’ that he’s stopped atm’ bread because there's a certain amount iv alcohol concaled in it. He wishes to brand as a calumy th’ statement that his wife uses an alcohol lamp to heat her curlin’ irns. Ivry statesman in this broad land is in danger iv gettin’ watherlogged because whiniver he sees a possible vote in sight he yells f’r a pitcher iv ice wather an’ dumps into himsilf a basin iv that noble flooid that in th’ more rugged days iv th’ republic was on’y used to put out fires an’ sprinkle th’ lawn. “ I pick up th’ pa-aper an’ r-read: ‘ Prisidint Wilson has ast th’ corryspondints to deny th’ malicyous rumor circulated be th’ preedytory inthrests that he takes vanilla ice crame in his sody wather. Til’ prisidint does not aven dhrink •sody wather, excipt on a dhruggist’s prescription. His fav’rite bivrage is skimmed milk.’ * Th’ sinit havin’ closed th’ sinit bar as sinful has abolished th’ Turkish bath as onnecessary.’ ‘ Willum Jen nings Bryan on his return to Wash’nton f’r a day's rest fr’m his arjoos jooties invited th’ for eign ambassadures to attind a dinner an’ an nounced that he wud give tliim on’y th’ pure an’ onferminted juice iv th’ grape to dhrink. Th’ ambassadures held a hurrid meetin’ an’ cabled to their home govermints f’r insthructions. They were ordhered to attind in th’ inthrests iv peace, but th’ Fr-rinch ambassadure resigned. At th’ dinner th' sicrety iv state toasted peace in a dip per iv th’ toothsome suds. In attimptin’ to dhrink th’ toast th’ English ambassadure was attacked with a vilent coughin’ spell an’ was onable to re spond, but was undhersthud to say that there was worse ways iv dyin’ thin on th’ field iv battle. In th' mist iv an otherwise joyous dinner th’ German ambassadure turned suddenly pale an’ complained iv a horrible pain in th’ stomach. He was able to lave th’ festive boord an’ be his own directions was assisted to a neighborin’ ratskellar, where at 4 o'clock this mornin’ he was restin’ aisy. Whin th’ dinner broke up at 9 o’clock th’ guests were most enthusyastic, an’ whin th’ Jap’nese njinisther proposed to sing, “ FT he's a jolly good fellow,” siv’ral iv th’ diplomats bust into tears. “ ‘ Misther Bryan was much plazed with th’ success iv his innovation. He has dlirunk grape juice f’r manny years, sometimes consumin’ as manny as forty glasses a day. In fact, he sildom atcs a piece iv pic without vvashin’ it down with me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt goes up to Mitchigan an’ sues th’ iditor iv a story-an’-a-half newspaper f’r libel f’r sayin’ that he was well known to be a white hope among th’ pethrolyum rasslers iv th’ wurruld. If he’d been in pollyticks as long as I have an’ was as active an’ as prom’nent he wudn't have noticed th’ insult. He'd know that in polly ticks th’ worst men ar-re often libeled, so what can th’ best expict? It’s a good thing, too, f’r it keeps sinsitive an’ thin skinned men out iv public life an’ dhrives thim into journalism. An’ if he’d known all. th’ things that’s been said about him be th’ more substantial iv his fellow citizens he’d’ve sint this iditor a letter thankin’ him f’r his support but askin’ him not to overdo th’ language iv flow'ry complimint. Whiniver he turned out a message to congress an’ a banker reached down in his jeans an’ found that th’ dollar he’d put in there th' night befure was now on’y fifty cints, th’ financeer wtid assimble other financeers around him an’ they’d discuss th’ failures iv Tiddy Rosen felt. He was this an’ he was that. He niver sho. ,a grizzly bear. It was notoryous that he pizened thim. He was not at th’ battle iv San Joon hill. Whin that aiTray was over he was discovered be a naygur throoper undher a wagon disguised as a Spanish grandee an’ moanin’ feebly^’ Take me home to Eyesther Bay.’ “ ‘ I’ve always known he was crazy,’ says wan Th’ sight iv a bock beer sign makes him faint with horror " \ was on wan iv his tanthrums. I wud be willin’ to go on th’ stand an’ swear that he was how come-ye-so wan day whin I see him on a horse jumpin’ a fence. Anny man that jumps a horse over a fence must be dhrunk.’ “ Well, this here honest iditor heerd these stories, an’ it was his plain jooty to publish thim, f’r ivry iditor, especyally an iditor in Ishpemiug, has heavy responsibilities in keepin' wicked or intimprate men out iv th’ White House. Besides it looked like a millyon to wan that this gr-reat journal iv civilization wud escape th’ eye iv th' Jawn B. Gough iv Eyesther Bay. So he popped in his cheerful little item, sint th’ pa-aper to press, an’ wint home an’ thought no more about it ontil lo an’ behold! Tiddy Rosenfelt, escoorted be an army iv witnesses, descinded on him an’ sued him fr’ libel. * “ I read ivry line iv th’ tistymony, an’ I will say this that there’d be no money f’r me in havin’ Tiddy Rosenfelt as a customer tiven whin at tinded be a physician. I run no dairy, Hinnissy, an’ th’ amount iv milk consumed be this states man to escoort into his system a couple iv spoon fuls iv brandy wud keep a herd iv cows wurrukin’ nights. It appears fr’m th’ ividince that at times he was compelled to dhrink be a wicked doctor. This here evil infloonce stood at his elbow whin he was weak an’ suffrin’ an’ compelled him to (jebauch himsilf with wan spoonful afther another iv brandy. ‘ I can't do it, dock,’ he pleaded. * Don't ask me to pollute this serene an’ beautiful milk with th’ accursed stuff.’ ‘ Dhrink,’ says th’ inflexible agent iv th’ divvle. * Dhrink or die,’ he says. ‘ But won't wan spoonful be enough?’ begs th’ prisidint. ‘ No,’ says th’ dock in a hollow voice. ‘ Ye must take two.’ ‘ Thin pull down th’ curtains so that me example may not corrupt an innocint wurruld,’ says th’ gr-reat man, an', writhin’ in pain, he consumes th’ nauseous mix ture, an’, flingin’ th’ glass fr'm him, falls oncon scious on th’ flure. “ All th’ witnesses corrobyrated him. It seems fr’m their testymony that durin’ th’ Rosenfelt administhration a pretty custom prevailed at th’ White House called ‘ Sniffin’ f’r booze.’ Wan iv th’ prisidint’s intimate frinds wud dhrop in on him iv an afthernoon, an’, afther exchangin’ th’ usual civilities, wud requist th’ prisidint to blow in his face. He wud thin take out a note book an’ jot down: ‘ June 5. Still no thrace. Called afther dinner an’ made repeated assays. Results mostly nigative, but found indications iv what may be Rhine wine.’ Hundherds iv witnesses that had subjected his excillincy to this test wint on th’ stand an’ swore that they’d never got anny results. “ ‘ Did ye or did ye not,’ thundered th’ lawyers, ‘ iver dctict alcohol on th’ prisidint’s breath?’ Xiver, as hiven is me judge,’ declared th’ witnesses in ringin’ tones. " ^ hin it come th’ turn iv th' poor iditor man he wasn t able to presint a single witness to prove that Tiddy was a dipsomanyac. No, sir; iv all th’ people that were ready to take their oath that they d seen our havro whin he was fitter f’r an ambulance thin an office, divvle th’ wan turned up at his call to go on th' stand. So he was obliged to do th' manly thing iv readin’ a docy mint containin’ an account iv his own noble life, with a few wurruds on th’ circylation iv his excel lent pa-aper an its value as an advertisin’ meejum, an’ acknowledgin’ that he had tossed off th’ lie tindher th’ imprisson that it was th’ thruth, because it was in th’ heat iv th’ campaign an' he didn’t expict to be sued, but he was glad he had been, an’ there was nawthin’ f’r him to do but admit that his witnesses had run out on him an’ he cudden’t prove annything. This handsome apology was accipted, til’ jury give a verdict iv six cints damages, th’ colonel says, ‘ A gloryous victhry, be George,’ th’ iditor sint over an’ bor rowed th’ money fr'm th’ foreman, an’ th’ colonel, attinded be his calvacade iv breath investigators, returned home with th’ cash junglin’ in his pock ets—vindicated. “ I wondher what it's coinin’ to? Nex’ year I expict to see banners in front iv headquarthcrs savin’, ‘Vote f'r Higgins. His breath is ba’my,’ or ‘ Sullivan an' sody,’ or th’ like iv. that. Will it come about that whin an orator gets up to advycate a candydate lie’ll be compilled to say whether he has or has not made a personal inves tigation iv th’ candydate's exhalations? Will a comity be called befure th’ convintion to repoort that they have made a scarchin' inquiry into '.V candydate’s breath f'r two months, an’ without goin into other deetails they are prepared to say that it has showed no signs iv alcohol? If so, Hinnissy, I’m goin’ out iv pollyticks an’ into dentisthry. “ But what I can't undherstand, Hinnissy, is why if this here shellac that beams down on us fr’m th’ shelves is so bad to take, tlv govermint shud go into partnership with thim that sells it. Here's me frind Dock Wilson an’ me frind Wil lum McAdoo an’ me frind Willum Jennings Bryan settin’ together discussin’ th’ repport iv th’ sicrety iv th’ threasury. ‘ Mack,’ says th’ prisi dint, ‘ I hope ye don't dhrink.’ ‘ I sincerely hope so, too,’ says th’ sicrety iv state. ‘ I dhrink very little,’ says th’ sicrety iv th’ threasury. ‘ Don’t do it at all,’ says th’ prisidint. 4 It's a tur-rble habit. Dhrink is th' curse iv modhrcn civilyzation. it fills our citizens an' it fills our jails an’ our pini tinchries, our insane asylums an’ our vvurruk houses with our citizens-. Stop it now. Ye say ye had on’y wan glass iv claret at dinner? It is wan too manny. Renumber th’ rapids ar-rc below. We will now take up th’ financyal re poort,’ he says. ‘ Well,’ says th’ sicrety iv th’ threasury, ‘ to begin with I’m glad to tell ye that th’ intarnal rivnoo receipts f’r th’ coinin’ year will be about a millyon dollars more thin they were last year. I base these figures on th’ increasin’ thirst iv our people.’ ‘ How splindid,’ says th’ prisidint. ‘ I mane how tur-rble. How tur-rbly splindid. It manes much to th’ administhration,’ he says. ‘ This is good news indeed,’ says Wil lum Jennings Bryan. “ An’ there ye ar-re. I can't make it out. but there's lots iv things in th’ wurruld that I can't make out. 1 suppose th' govermint is like mesilf. No wan is more iv a timp'ranee advycate thin I am, f'r I've had expeeryance. If ye think 'tis a pleasure f’r me to stand here ladlin’ out 'this household ammonya an’ listenin’ to th’ harsh sounds it causes ye to mistake f’r convarsation ye don’t know me. I f I had me way an’ didn’t love th' beautiful sthream on whose banks I’ve lived these manny years I'd take all th’ stuff in tliiin ' bottles an’ poor thim into th’ Chicago river. I wud so. I don't undherstand how anny wan pays me f'r it. It wud be just as raisonable f’r ye to say. ‘ Here, take two dollars an’ hit me over th’ head with th’ bung starter.’ It wud be more so, f’r in that case ye wudden't come back f'r more. Rut what am I to do? I s'pose th’ govermint an' mesilf ar-re in th’ same box-. We both have to be supported, an' this is th’ on'v way we know. An’ it’s a pretty good sign that th' people ar-re slowin’ down on th' stuff whin our statesmin ar-re askin’ all tljr wurruld to step up an' have a smell. F’r a statesman, Hinnissy, is a fellow that finds out w’hich way til' procissyon is goin’ an’ thin runs out an’ grabs th’ stick away fr’m th’ dhruin major.” ♦ 'Ae don’t think T. R. iver dhrank too much, do ye?” asked Mr. Hennessy. “ I've been a student as well as an insthructor iv th’ dhrink habit f'r manny years,” said Mr. Dooley, “an’ I’ll tell you this: I know fr’m obsarvation that no ardent collictor iv specimens iv rum can keep on goin’ fast. He can go fast sometimes, but he can’t go far an’ go fast. At best he's a quarther horse, an’ ofttinies whin he thinks he's gone a mile he’s ra-aly been left at til’ post.” — • N (Copyright: ISIS: By Finley Peter Dunn*4.