The Birmingham age-herald. [volume], July 13, 1913, MAGAZINE SECTION, Image 51

About The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950

Image provided by: University of Alabama Libraries, Tuscaloosa, AL

                
Oh TATESMANSHI?
SEET -^ig
^yPiniEyBEmDimiffi.
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£ ^ I 1 AVE a glass iv beer with me,” said Mr.
Hennessy.
“ What's that?” demanded Mr.
Dooley.
“ I said,” Mr. Hennessy replied testily, “ will
ye have a glass iv beer with me—an’ on me—or
I \ won't ye?”
“ I will ndvt,” said Mr. Dooley. “ HoW dare ye
make such a suggestion to me? If I thought ye
had six cints in ye'er clothes I'd sue ye f’r libel.
I wud so. I'll have ye to know that these secrit
rumors that ar-re circulatin’ around about me
dhrinkin’ habits has got to stop. I do not dhrink
beer, butthermilk, pop, ice crame sody, sarsprilly,
or tay in anny form. Whin much fatigued be
talkin’ to ye, I sometimes take a glass iv brandy
with a tayspoonful iv milk in it. But not often,
as I do not like th’ taste iv milk. Whin I have a
chill or thirst I dhrink modhrately iv a bucket or
two iv whisky, brandy, rum, gin, karosene, or
gasolene. I niver take champagne excipt whin
th’ doctor ordhers it, an’ if th’ dock ordhers it
he’s got to pay f’r it, too. I niver dhrink cham
pagne. Ari^ there ye have in a few brief wurruds
me innocent dhrinkin’ habits.”
“What ar-re ye talkin’ about?” said Mr. Hen
nessy. “ Ye niver dhrink har'ly annything aAll.”
“I know it,” said Mr. Dooley, “but I don’t
want it to get out. I’m thinkin* iv goin' back into
pollyticks again, an' I Want th’ earnest dhrinkers
iv th’ counthry to feel that I’m wan iv thim.
They’re a large an’ inflooinchal body iv men an’
much niglicted. So if ye hear anny rumors in th’
fash’nable clubs that ye frequint that I am not
hon’rapy prisidint iv th’ Ancient Ordher iv Alco
holics, that I don’t have th’ pain killer piped into
me while I sleep, or that me on’y physical exer
cise is not deleeryum threatens, I want ye to
denounce thim as base, false, an’ malicious. If
they ask ye, ‘ Did ye iver smell his breath ?’ tell
thim ye have, that*Ve cudden’t help it, livin’ in th’
same sthrect. If they ask ye, ‘ Did ye dgtict th’
prisince iv liquor?’ tell thim that th’ gusts fr’m
me pipes is practically ninety per cint pure
bensine, with a tayspoonful or two iv breath
added. Tell thim iv th’ time ye found me on th’
i sthreet corner thryin’ to dance a turkey throt
with a ISmp post. Tell thim iv the polismen I’ve
bate. Let thim know that whin I go out iv town
an' me frinds want to sind me home, which they
always do at once, they have to crate me up an’
ship me be freight. Tell thim iv th’ time ye see
me hurl me boot at th' polky dot elephant that
thried to get into bed with me. Here •an’ now,
Hinnissy, I appoint ye me campaign manager.
If ye do ye'er jooty I'll capture th' intire alcoholic
vote, an’, judgin’ be what I see an’ hear on iliction
nights, that ought to land me aisy in anny office
in our beloved fatherland.
i “ Sure, it's a sthrange change has come over
our pollyticks since I was captain iv me precinct.
, We ar-re fallen, as Hogan says, on iffiminate
days. Th’ hardy an’ gloryous peeryod in th’ his
thry iv th’ republic has passed, an’ th’ times whin
Hinnery Clay an' Dan’l Webster wud sit f’r hours
pushin’ th’ scuttle to an’ fro acrost th’ table has
gone to return no more. Booze an’ iloquence has
both passed out iv our public life. No longer is
th' gr-reat statesman carried to th' platform be
loving hands an’ lashed to th’ railin’ where him
an' King Alcohol sings a duet on th’ splindors iv
. »th' blue sky an’ th’ onfadin’ glories iv th’ flag,
y, but afther atin’ a pepsin tablet an’ sippin’ a glass
iv light gray limonadc he reads to th’ assimbled
multichood th’ financial repoort iv th’ Standard
lie comp’ny f’r th' physical year endin’ June first.
“ Mind ye, all this was bcfure my time. In
my day I niver knew a gr-reat statesman that
dhrank, or if he did he niver landed anny job
betther thin clerk in th’ weather office. But as
Hogan says Shakspeare says, they pretinded a
vice if they had it not. A politician was a baten
man if th’ story wint around that he was sildom
seen dhrunk in public. 11 is aim was to create an
imprissyon that he was a gay fellow, a jovyal
toss pot, that thought nawthin’ iv puttin’ a gallon
iv paint into him durin' an avenin’s intertainment.
They had to exercise diplomacy, d’ye mind, to
keep their repytations goin’. Whin Higgins was
runnin’ f'r sheriff he always ordhered gin an’ I
■mays give him water. Ye undherstand, don’t
ye? Ye know what gin looks like’ Well, wather
looks like gin. Wan day Gallagher took up his
glass be mistake an’ Higgins lost th’ precinct be
forty votes. „Sinitor O'Brien held a bolder coorse.
He used to dump th’ stuff on th' flure whin no
wan was lookin’ an' go home with a light foot
while I swept out his constiiooents. Yes, sir, I’ve
seen him pour into th' sawdust quarts an' gallons
iv me precious old Remorse Rye, aged be me
own hands on th’ premises.
“ Th’ most onpopylar prisidint we iver had was
Rutherford B. Hayes—an’ why? Was it because
he stole th’ prisidincy away fr’m Sam’l J. Tilden ?
It was not. Anny wan w,ud stale a prisidincy
fr’m a Dimmycrat in thim days an’ think th’ lar
ceny was pathriotism. No, sir, ’twas because
whin people wint up to th’ white house they got
nawthin’ to dhrink but sparklin’ wather, a
bivridge, Hinnissy, that is nayether cheerin’ nor
ineebratin’, but gives ye th’ most inconvanient
part iv a deebauch, that is th’ hiccups. Fr’m
8 o'clock, whin they set down to dinner, to 8:30,
whin th’ last southern congressman ran shriekin’
clown th’ sthreet, this gr-reat but tactless man
pumped his guests full iv imprisoned gas. An’
whin his term expired he wint back where he
come fr'm an’ I niver heerd iv him again. Pol
lvtickally speakin’, d’ye mind, he wint down, as
ye might say, to a wathry grave.
“ But it's all changed now, be hivens. Pollyti
cians no longer come into me place. I’m glad iv
it. I prefer th’ thrade iv prosp’rous steel manny
his fav’rite bivrage, onless pressed be business.
Th’ sicrety gathered th’ corryspondints together
yisterdah afthernoon, an’, givin’ them each a glass
iv grape juice, which they consumed ex officyo,
asked thim to convey to th’ wurruld th’ news that
it is undhersthud in officyal circles that th’ sicrety
iv state has niver dhrunk booze, smoked or
chewed tobacco, took snuff, swore, gambled,
fought chickens, or danced th’ jelly glide.’
“ To show ye how times has changed, there’s
javnial soul. ‘ F’r four years he was locked up
in an asylum at Cambridge, Mass., kept be Dock
Eliot an’ was discharged as oncurable.’ ‘ No,’
says another, ‘ it ain't lunacy. It's dhrink. I
know it. I have it on th' best authority that at a
diplomatic dinner he pasted Monseer Jusserand
in th’ eye because iv a dispute about th’ Fr-rinch
language. It is well known that th’ fam’ly got
Bob Bacon to go into th' cabinet because lie's a
big, sthrong man an’ cud handle him whin he
‘ Ye see me hurl me boot at th’ polky dot elephant that thried to get into bed with me.”
facthrers like ye’ersilf. It’s more reg’lar. A
statesman wud no more be seen goin’ into a
saloon thin he wud into a meetin’ iv th’ Anti
Semitic league. Th’ imprissyon he times to give
is that th’ sight iv a bock beer sign makes him
faint with horror, an’ that he’s stopped atm’
bread because there's a certain amount iv alcohol
concaled in it. He wishes to brand as a calumy
th’ statement that his wife uses an alcohol lamp
to heat her curlin’ irns. Ivry statesman in this
broad land is in danger iv gettin’ watherlogged
because whiniver he sees a possible vote in sight
he yells f’r a pitcher iv ice wather an’ dumps into
himsilf a basin iv that noble flooid that in th’
more rugged days iv th’ republic was on’y used to
put out fires an’ sprinkle th’ lawn.
“ I pick up th’ pa-aper an’ r-read: ‘ Prisidint
Wilson has ast th’ corryspondints to deny th’
malicyous rumor circulated be th’ preedytory
inthrests that he takes vanilla ice crame in his
sody wather. Til’ prisidint does not aven dhrink
•sody wather, excipt on a dhruggist’s prescription.
His fav’rite bivrage is skimmed milk.’ * Th’ sinit
havin’ closed th’ sinit bar as sinful has abolished
th’ Turkish bath as onnecessary.’ ‘ Willum Jen
nings Bryan on his return to Wash’nton f’r a
day's rest fr’m his arjoos jooties invited th’ for
eign ambassadures to attind a dinner an’ an
nounced that he wud give tliim on’y th’ pure an’
onferminted juice iv th’ grape to dhrink. Th’
ambassadures held a hurrid meetin’ an’ cabled to
their home govermints f’r insthructions. They
were ordhered to attind in th’ inthrests iv peace,
but th’ Fr-rinch ambassadure resigned. At th’
dinner th' sicrety iv state toasted peace in a dip
per iv th’ toothsome suds. In attimptin’ to dhrink
th’ toast th’ English ambassadure was attacked
with a vilent coughin’ spell an’ was onable to re
spond, but was undhersthud to say that there was
worse ways iv dyin’ thin on th’ field iv battle. In
th' mist iv an otherwise joyous dinner th’ German
ambassadure turned suddenly pale an’ complained
iv a horrible pain in th’ stomach. He was able
to lave th’ festive boord an’ be his own directions
was assisted to a neighborin’ ratskellar, where at
4 o'clock this mornin’ he was restin’ aisy. Whin
th’ dinner broke up at 9 o’clock th’ guests were
most enthusyastic, an’ whin th’ Jap’nese njinisther
proposed to sing, “ FT he's a jolly good fellow,”
siv’ral iv th’ diplomats bust into tears.
“ ‘ Misther Bryan was much plazed with th’
success iv his innovation. He has dlirunk grape
juice f’r manny years, sometimes consumin’ as
manny as forty glasses a day. In fact, he sildom
atcs a piece iv pic without vvashin’ it down with
me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt goes up to Mitchigan
an’ sues th’ iditor iv a story-an’-a-half newspaper
f’r libel f’r sayin’ that he was well known to be a
white hope among th’ pethrolyum rasslers iv th’
wurruld. If he’d been in pollyticks as long as I
have an’ was as active an’ as prom’nent he wudn't
have noticed th’ insult. He'd know that in polly
ticks th’ worst men ar-re often libeled, so what
can th’ best expict? It’s a good thing, too, f’r it
keeps sinsitive an’ thin skinned men out iv public
life an’ dhrives thim into journalism. An’ if he’d
known all. th’ things that’s been said about him
be th’ more substantial iv his fellow citizens
he’d’ve sint this iditor a letter thankin’ him f’r his
support but askin’ him not to overdo th’ language
iv flow'ry complimint. Whiniver he turned out
a message to congress an’ a banker reached down
in his jeans an’ found that th’ dollar he’d put in
there th' night befure was now on’y fifty cints, th’
financeer wtid assimble other financeers around
him an’ they’d discuss th’ failures iv Tiddy Rosen
felt. He was this an’ he was that. He niver
sho. ,a grizzly bear. It was notoryous that he
pizened thim. He was not at th’ battle iv San
Joon hill. Whin that aiTray was over he was
discovered be a naygur throoper undher a wagon
disguised as a Spanish grandee an’ moanin’
feebly^’ Take me home to Eyesther Bay.’
“ ‘ I’ve always known he was crazy,’ says wan
Th’ sight iv a bock beer sign
makes him faint with horror "
\
was on wan iv his tanthrums. I wud be willin’
to go on th’ stand an’ swear that he was how
come-ye-so wan day whin I see him on a horse
jumpin’ a fence. Anny man that jumps a horse
over a fence must be dhrunk.’
“ Well, this here honest iditor heerd these
stories, an’ it was his plain jooty to publish thim,
f’r ivry iditor, especyally an iditor in Ishpemiug,
has heavy responsibilities in keepin' wicked or
intimprate men out iv th’ White House. Besides
it looked like a millyon to wan that this gr-reat
journal iv civilization wud escape th’ eye iv th'
Jawn B. Gough iv Eyesther Bay. So he popped
in his cheerful little item, sint th’ pa-aper to press,
an’ wint home an’ thought no more about it ontil
lo an’ behold! Tiddy Rosenfelt, escoorted be an
army iv witnesses, descinded on him an’ sued him
fr’ libel. *
“ I read ivry line iv th’ tistymony, an’ I will say
this that there’d be no money f’r me in havin’
Tiddy Rosenfelt as a customer tiven whin at
tinded be a physician. I run no dairy, Hinnissy,
an’ th’ amount iv milk consumed be this states
man to escoort into his system a couple iv spoon
fuls iv brandy wud keep a herd iv cows wurrukin’
nights. It appears fr’m th’ ividince that at times
he was compelled to dhrink be a wicked doctor.
This here evil infloonce stood at his elbow whin
he was weak an’ suffrin’ an’ compelled him to
(jebauch himsilf with wan spoonful afther another
iv brandy. ‘ I can't do it, dock,’ he pleaded.
* Don't ask me to pollute this serene an’ beautiful
milk with th’ accursed stuff.’ ‘ Dhrink,’ says th’
inflexible agent iv th’ divvle. * Dhrink or die,’ he
says. ‘ But won't wan spoonful be enough?’ begs
th’ prisidint. ‘ No,’ says th’ dock in a hollow
voice. ‘ Ye must take two.’ ‘ Thin pull down
th’ curtains so that me example may not corrupt
an innocint wurruld,’ says th’ gr-reat man, an',
writhin’ in pain, he consumes th’ nauseous mix
ture, an’, flingin’ th’ glass fr'm him, falls oncon
scious on th’ flure.
“ All th’ witnesses corrobyrated him. It seems
fr’m their testymony that durin’ th’ Rosenfelt
administhration a pretty custom prevailed at th’
White House called ‘ Sniffin’ f’r booze.’ Wan iv
th’ prisidint’s intimate frinds wud dhrop in on
him iv an afthernoon, an’, afther exchangin’ th’
usual civilities, wud requist th’ prisidint to blow
in his face. He wud thin take out a note book
an’ jot down: ‘ June 5. Still no thrace. Called
afther dinner an’ made repeated assays. Results
mostly nigative, but found indications iv what
may be Rhine wine.’ Hundherds iv witnesses
that had subjected his excillincy to this test wint
on th’ stand an’ swore that they’d never got anny
results.
“ ‘ Did ye or did ye not,’ thundered th’ lawyers,
‘ iver dctict alcohol on th’ prisidint’s breath?’
Xiver, as hiven is me judge,’ declared th’
witnesses in ringin’ tones.
" ^ hin it come th’ turn iv th' poor iditor man
he wasn t able to presint a single witness to prove
that Tiddy was a dipsomanyac. No, sir; iv all th’
people that were ready to take their oath that
they d seen our havro whin he was fitter f’r an
ambulance thin an office, divvle th’ wan turned
up at his call to go on th' stand. So he was
obliged to do th' manly thing iv readin’ a docy
mint containin’ an account iv his own noble life,
with a few wurruds on th’ circylation iv his excel
lent pa-aper an its value as an advertisin’
meejum, an’ acknowledgin’ that he had tossed off
th’ lie tindher th’ imprisson that it was th’ thruth,
because it was in th’ heat iv th’ campaign an' he
didn’t expict to be sued, but he was glad he had
been, an’ there was nawthin’ f’r him to do but
admit that his witnesses had run out on him an’
he cudden’t prove annything. This handsome
apology was accipted, til’ jury give a verdict iv
six cints damages, th’ colonel says, ‘ A gloryous
victhry, be George,’ th’ iditor sint over an’ bor
rowed th’ money fr'm th’ foreman, an’ th’ colonel,
attinded be his calvacade iv breath investigators,
returned home with th’ cash junglin’ in his pock
ets—vindicated.
“ I wondher what it's coinin’ to? Nex’ year I
expict to see banners in front iv headquarthcrs
savin’, ‘Vote f'r Higgins. His breath is ba’my,’
or ‘ Sullivan an' sody,’ or th’ like iv. that. Will it
come about that whin an orator gets up to
advycate a candydate lie’ll be compilled to say
whether he has or has not made a personal inves
tigation iv th’ candydate's exhalations? Will a
comity be called befure th’ convintion to repoort
that they have made a scarchin' inquiry into '.V
candydate’s breath f'r two months, an’ without
goin into other deetails they are prepared to say
that it has showed no signs iv alcohol? If so,
Hinnissy, I’m goin’ out iv pollyticks an’ into
dentisthry.
“ But what I can't undherstand, Hinnissy, is
why if this here shellac that beams down on us
fr’m th’ shelves is so bad to take, tlv govermint
shud go into partnership with thim that sells it.
Here's me frind Dock Wilson an’ me frind Wil
lum McAdoo an’ me frind Willum Jennings
Bryan settin’ together discussin’ th’ repport iv th’
sicrety iv th’ threasury. ‘ Mack,’ says th’ prisi
dint, ‘ I hope ye don't dhrink.’ ‘ I sincerely hope
so, too,’ says th’ sicrety iv state. ‘ I dhrink very
little,’ says th’ sicrety iv th’ threasury. ‘ Don’t do
it at all,’ says th’ prisidint. 4 It's a tur-rble habit.
Dhrink is th' curse iv modhrcn civilyzation. it
fills our citizens an' it fills our jails an’ our pini
tinchries, our insane asylums an’ our vvurruk
houses with our citizens-. Stop it now. Ye say
ye had on’y wan glass iv claret at dinner? It is
wan too manny. Renumber th’ rapids ar-rc
below. We will now take up th’ financyal re
poort,’ he says. ‘ Well,’ says th’ sicrety iv th’
threasury, ‘ to begin with I’m glad to tell ye that
th’ intarnal rivnoo receipts f’r th’ coinin’ year will
be about a millyon dollars more thin they were
last year. I base these figures on th’ increasin’
thirst iv our people.’ ‘ How splindid,’ says th’
prisidint. ‘ I mane how tur-rble. How tur-rbly
splindid. It manes much to th’ administhration,’
he says. ‘ This is good news indeed,’ says Wil
lum Jennings Bryan.
“ An’ there ye ar-re. I can't make it out. but
there's lots iv things in th’ wurruld that I can't
make out. 1 suppose th' govermint is like mesilf.
No wan is more iv a timp'ranee advycate thin I
am, f'r I've had expeeryance. If ye think 'tis a
pleasure f’r me to stand here ladlin’ out 'this
household ammonya an’ listenin’ to th’ harsh
sounds it causes ye to mistake f’r convarsation ye
don’t know me. I f I had me way an’ didn’t love
th' beautiful sthream on whose banks I’ve lived
these manny years I'd take all th’ stuff in tliiin '
bottles an’ poor thim into th’ Chicago river. I
wud so. I don't undherstand how anny wan pays
me f'r it. It wud be just as raisonable f’r ye to
say. ‘ Here, take two dollars an’ hit me over th’
head with th’ bung starter.’ It wud be more so,
f’r in that case ye wudden't come back f'r more.
Rut what am I to do? I s'pose th’ govermint an'
mesilf ar-re in th’ same box-. We both have to
be supported, an' this is th’ on'v way we know.
An’ it’s a pretty good sign that th' people ar-re
slowin’ down on th' stuff whin our statesmin
ar-re askin’ all tljr wurruld to step up an' have a
smell. F’r a statesman, Hinnissy, is a fellow that
finds out w’hich way til' procissyon is goin’ an’
thin runs out an’ grabs th’ stick away fr’m th’
dhruin major.” ♦
'Ae don’t think T. R. iver dhrank too much,
do ye?” asked Mr. Hennessy.
“ I've been a student as well as an insthructor
iv th’ dhrink habit f'r manny years,” said Mr.
Dooley, “an’ I’ll tell you this: I know fr’m
obsarvation that no ardent collictor iv specimens
iv rum can keep on goin’ fast. He can go fast
sometimes, but he can’t go far an’ go fast. At
best he's a quarther horse, an’ ofttinies whin he
thinks he's gone a mile he’s ra-aly been left at
til’ post.” — • N
(Copyright: ISIS: By Finley Peter Dunn*4.