The Birmingham age-herald. [volume], August 10, 1913, MAGAZINE SECTION, Image 42

About The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950

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_THE BIRMINGHAM AGE-HERAED
VOLUME XXXXIII____BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA, SUNDAY, AUGUST 10, 1913 MAGAZINE SECTION NUMBER 96
Bill Explains the
Monroe Doctrine
[IISTTTR EDDITUR: The United
States is a sorter new country, hav
ving been doing bizness for itself
for only a little ovver a hundred yeers. Up
to this time, being rathur an infint in the
Guvvermint bizness the United States has
not accumulated a job lot of tradisions and
uther Brick-a-bracks to which the popu
lase can point with pride to the same extent
as sum of our forrain cuzzens who had rnen
ny yeers experyense, before we weer evven
discuvvered.
Theere air not menny fammilies in the
United States who can trase there ansestry
back moor than two or three laps before
they run across sumthing that smells worse
than a corrupt adminnistrasion and the re
mainder is lost in total oblivvion. While in
Urope it is verry commun for Lords and
Dukes and things to be abull to produse a
peddigree that takes them rite back to 670
B. C. to Willyum the Grouch who they
prove was there paternal Sire. Here they
git a little mixed as Willyum had sum sev
venty-five or thirty wives and it becums a
little difficult to indentify there esteemed
aneestur on the Matemel side.
But we have one tradision on this side
—that so far as age and moth-eaten respect
ability is consunied looks like a 1916 Mod
uli oughtomobile compared with a 1492
wheelbarrow as against the old and rev
erred tradisions of sum of our Uropeen
bretherin, but at the same time it is in the
Methuseler class, so far as our History is
consumed, and is 1 he most ansient and
therefore the most vennerated tradision we
have, and if enny buddy at enny time wants
to start sumthing that will bring out the
reserved corps and the standing army to
suppress the riot let him say enny tiling
against it.
A patryottiek citizen of this Republic
will rise rite strait up and spit in the fase
of a Bengali tiger if enny one dares to.say
ought against the Munrow Doctrin. The
Munrow Doctrin is a sacred institusion in
this country. It is our oldest and most per
fectly respected Doctrin and as Doctrine go
it is considered verrv classy. Jt may not he
as old as the Magnet Chartur or the Order
of the Star and Hose Supportur, or the
Black Eagle, or the Black Cat, or the Ro
meo Candle, hut its ours and the oldest and
best we have and no Uropeean Potentait
can make a fase at it with impunnity and
get away with it.
About nine hundred and ninty-nine and"
nine tenths of the plain peepul of this coun
try would'n’t know the Munrow Doctrin
fnmi the ten* commendmints and air not
sure whether it relates to Infant baptism
or the inciun tax, but they do know tlutt
whaewer it is that it is verrv annoying to
Eorrain (Juvvermints and that when enny
little dispute arises between this country
and sum forrain power and there is talk of
mobellizzing the Xavv and the polise force,
tliatysurn buddy Imwls out the esteemed
Munrow Doctrin and flaunts in the fase of
1 he I'ropeenn Power aforesaid and that
Power immediately quails. Several TTro
peean Nasions have in the past dun
I here best to ignore the Munrow Doctrin.
and have maid insulting observasions con
serving the same. The last one to attempt
this stunt was Spain and when wo got
through with the Spannish Armattur—
whatevvor Hint is it looked moor like a
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Spannish Ommilette than an Armattur, and
the Spannish Standing Army no longer
stood, but fled and pxit quite a good deel of
expression in fleeing. For sum one to let
out a holler that sum Dago forrain Mon
arkv is easting slurs and asparagus at the
Munrow Doctrin has the same effect in this
country as an Orangeman in Dublin who
tanked up on Irish Intemperence ungard
edly hollers “tohelwitlithepope.”
Way back yonder rite aftur Patrick
Henery got up sum where down in Virginia
and in clarrion tones espessiallv oiled up
for the occasion demanded to be givven 1 ili
berty or deeth and that forthwith, and af
tur sed libberty had been givven to us—
though rathur reluctintly—by the Brittish
Tyrents, we started out on a tour of our
own—but with no tradisions, doctrins or
enny thing to keep house with. The first
one of our Pressidints to recognize what a
handycap we weer working under was
Pressidint Munrow. Pressidint Mun
row desided that we needed a first
class 80 hoss-power, all-wool-and-a
yard-wide Doctrin, and he at the one
and the same time concluded that it would
be a nitty little thing to hand down to pos
terity for him to ennusiate sed Doctrin.
Aftur givving the Uropean Doctrins care
ful and profound considerasion and making
a studdy ol all Doctrins varius and sundry
that had been up to that time Doctored—he
failed to find enny thing on the market that
seemed to suit our peculiar situasion. He
then set rite down in his library and rote
out a bran new Doctrin all his own. lie sent
it dowrn to the patent offise and had it
fixed up and all Uropean rites resurved and
then sprung it upon the world at large with
grate gusto. The result was maggieal. The
Uropean Guvvermints set rite up and took
notise and they saw at onse that this litle
new Republiek with nuthing to speek of but
a large area of land and a peevish disposi
sion had put one ovver on them that was
liabull to prove annoying in tlie future. II
has dun so. Evvery time sum Uropean
Power gets chesty and begins to let off
steem about the California aunty-AUien
land law, or suggests that its getting about
time Sur Thomas Liptun won a vaehet rase,
and he would if he was givven a square
clianse, we calmly haul out the Munrow
Doctrin and bat them ovver the Bean with
it, that settles it. The Munrow Doctrin
has sertainly dun grate survise to this coun
try and it is still in good working order.
Recently we had a lecture on the Mun
row Doctrin here in Washington for the
gennerel eddificasion of the publiek and the
perticuler enlitemint of a bunch of yung by
school studints, by Professor Augustus Af
fonso Nappolion Grunt, P. 1). Q. Ph.s Txl, of
Yell College. Cents hearing Professor
Grunt’s deer and lusid explanasion of the
Munrow Doctrin, we wuuder very muck in
deed liow it is Ihat so inenuy of our peepul
still waller in the mire of ignorense. There
is no use ol- folks remaining ignereut
when they can for the iusignifficeut
sum of 50 cents have the priv- .?
vilige of setting for two hours iu a hot room
and drink in nolledge handed out in large
Gobs by one of our Proffessers of Polytical
Ecconnomy.
• Professer Grunt sed that “Studints of
the Munrow Doctrin and the genneral
Scheem of polytical ecconnomy should seek
to trase the unnities of a plan of dyverse
ellymosonery pronunsiaiuentoes, which
govvern the growth and devvelopmint of
annalogies ami structure! hommologies,
lietterrogenius to the Osteollogy of our
splanchologgical form of Guvvermint.”
(Lowd and prolonged applaws). When he
uttered tlieese fateful words the prise of
Jappaneese bonds fell off sixteen points and
Sevverel Dynasties trembulled on there
throwns.
Professer Grunt then went on to say that
“A grate menny peepul fell into the com
inuu error of Judgemint of looking upon
the Munrow Doctrin as a perrihilious and
hyperbolas simmillytude with moor or less
periodissity.” I entirely agree with the
Professer. I must confess that I had for a
Jong time looked upon the Munrow Doctrin
in this way, and 1 want to now confess it
and appologize. A man who will look upon
the only Doctrin we have, which should be
reverred at the fireside of evvery American
home, in this way ought to be ashamed of
himself for his dense and opake ignerense,
and besides that lie’s no gentleman. Ev
very boddy who hered Professer Grunt
came away filled with renewed enthewsi
asm ovver the Munrow Doctrin and imme
diately maid a rush for the nearest dispen
ser of red corpussels destroyers in order to
sit down candy and talk it ovver. It is a
mattur pf gennerel regret that it is not pqs.
sibul for Professer Grunt to make a tour of
the 1 nited States delivvering his famous
lecture on the Munrow Doctrin in order
that the peepul may have a faint idear of
what this priseless gem is. No one can ex
plain it just as lie can. We have herd sev
verel United States Senators attempt to il
lnsidate on the Munrow Doctrin, but theer
efforts seem feebull and commonplase in
deed cents hearing the Professer.
I feel that I have eonfurred a grate boon1
upon my readers by being abull to repro
duce (lie veews of this Grate Teecher of
Polytical Ecconnomy, in my feebull way,
and if enny of those who anxiously worry
through the week frum one Sunday to an
other, carrying a chollicky babby four
miles and thirteen laps perhaps six nites i
a week with no joy to look forward to ex-1
sept to reed my cheerful letters in the Sun-*
day’s paper air beenfitted by a moor thor
ough and comprehensive understanding of
the Munrow Doctrin aftur reeding my ac
count of what the Professer has sed, T would
indeed like to have sum slite testimonial
and token of personal appresiasion of mv
efforts. 1 will feel myself fully repaid with
this nollodge. Enny little thing will do
ranging in vallew from a 2 sent stamp to a'
five doller note. I hope no one will send
me ovver five (toilers- I get foolish when
I have too much munny.
Yours troolv,
Washington, D. C. BILL VTNES.
Whams' The Use?—Pirscilla Writes From The Hill Tops
TOY DEAR:
JV1 They call it the Skyland, and truly it
is- You can have a11 the sky there Is for
■ nothing, and you can get mountain air and
dews and views and sunsets by the ton; but just ask
for a chocolate sundae or today’s paper and you’ll
find that Skyland has its limitations. And when the
noon sun comes scorching down upon you and you
particularly want the breeze you are paying for, why
that breeze is taking a vacation. Take my word for
it. dear, a mountain breeze is as unreliable as a
baby. So you gasp for air, and you think of the per
fectly good electric fan you left at home, and you ask
yourself—1
What's the use?
Next, my dear, you drink the water and drink it,
and you get very sick, and you wish with all your
heart that the good doctor who comes to the place
summer after summer to keep the springs properly
medicated, wasn’t quite so much on the Job.
You have a dark suspicion that he puts too much
Epsom salts in that water, and you wish he would
keep beter tab on his old medicine shaker! Then
you remember your own good filtered water at home,
Iced to just the proper degree; you recall how you
can drink a pint of it without a qualm, and again you
say—
What's the use?
My dear, did you ever notice how people who
ore perfectly normal in their everyday home life
come to a summer resort and immediately turn hum
bug?
Really, to one who knows how to get fun out of
watching such people, this humbuggery business is
one of the chief attractions of Skyland.
For Instance, there's little Mrs. Noughbody from
Blankville. She wears her very best clothes ail day
and flusters and blusters about most importantly. She
finds fault with the service, complains of the fare,
and orders and browbeats the servants, until every
body who is anybody knows that she never had a
servant in her life, and that at home she probably
eats dinner in the kitchen, and in a kitnono at that!
And we laugh at little Mrs. Noughbody and her ef
forts to impress, and we say pityingly—
What’s the use?
Then there is the man who is a personage and
a magnate, and some other worse things. He wants
you to think that he doesn't want you to know how
important he is. He poses largely as “merely one
of you”; at the same time he never ceases to work
his magnate-ism on you, and the fact that he is a
senator stands out like handles all over him.
He lightly waves away little flattering speeches
and acts, which he has fished for—but you know just
the same that the flattery is sinking into his very
soul. And you shrug and say—
What’s {he use? ■
And, my dear, there is the would-be musical lady.
She doesn't know Parsifal from Madame Sherry, but
she loves to pose as a critic, and believe me, honey,
BY KARL KAFFER
she is some criterion. She is the delight of my soul.
Sunday afternoon it rained. Now could you bet
ter condense a miserable situation in four words?
We could stay in our rooms, where it was too dark to
read, and to light the lamps meant both heat and a
smell of kerosene gas; or we could sit in the long
parlor, where there was absolutely nothing to amuse
us but each other. We chose the latter, and It was
drearier than an afternoon reception.
The would bs musical lady wanted me to play
on the piano, and I kindly obliged, although the piano
had a key that stuck, and even in its best days must
have been bought at a bargain sale for two forty
nine. But you know how it is. You’ll do anything
in a place like that.
So I first played a bit out of one of Beethoven's
sonatas. The musical lady looked blank and dis
approving, for Beethoven and Buster Brown were all
the same to her. So I drifted into the more obvious
melody of the Sweet Evening Star.
When I had finished she came over to me and
said sweetly, “Those were awfully cute little pieces—
all right, just for the general taste, you know—but wre
want you to play something real classical—some
thing from the old masters.”
Think of it, my dear! That blessed woman
didn’t know the Evening Star from Halley’s comet,
or any other iteavenly body—and she asks you to
pass on from Beethoven and Wagner to something
"real classical!”
Honey, do you wonder that, like Brer Rabbit, I
often have to "go off to my laffin’ place and laff"?
I)o you wonder that I feel tempted to enlighten
her. and then aak myself—
What's the use?
That reminds me of a story i heard the other
day about a woman in our town. She is quite all
right in a way—but she isn’t exactly the embodi
ment of the final cry in matters of education.
To use her own words, in speaking (o my friend,
she expatiated thus: "You know I am very, ve’-y
musical, though I never had a music lesson in my
life. However, I understand good music thoroughly.
And it’s just the same with me about theatrical mat
ters. I can always tell what is really good, and do
you know that the only real grand opera we hi\ c
ever had in this town was “The White Sister?" Viola
Allan was great in that,”
After all, my dear, what is there in the funny
papers that is half so funny as Ihe3e people who try
to talk about things they don't know anything about?
One might warn them against treading on un
known grounds, but they’d only think we were jeal
ous of their superior knowledge, so—
What's the use?
And there's the plutocrat, dearest; did I mention
him? Well, he is very much here with his money and
his valet, and his lack of vocabulary finesse.
His car, my dear, is something wonderful—and
---- u
so are his manners—and so is his grammar, for when
he speaks—well, It Is truly some English.
On the strength of (he yollo-.v-hack hills in his
pocket he does the things that are not done—even in
13X3. #
He tells you how much property lie owns. He puffs
fifty-cent cigar smoke in your face. He rails for
toothpicks at the table—and worse still, he uses
them. He knows not what fork to use. and he doesn't
know he knows not, and so simplifies the matter by
using his knife.
He makes me think, my dear, of a mathomatlral
problem. If It takes nine cotillion leaders to make a
man, how many parvetlus does it take to make a
gentleman?
He is very happy, and simple, and rich, and com
inon. and if people try to snub him he doesn’t kuow
it, so—
What's the use?
Sky land Is very much like trouble, my dear. It
is easier to get into than to get out of. For when you '
want to go down to civilization and see a train pass.
°r any little thing like that, you’ll generally find that
"t.ie hack isn't running today."
It Is also like a railroad station in the op port u- '
nitiea it offers for studying people.
You look on and smile at all the little preten
sions and hypocrisies which never fool auvbody at
all. and you ask yourself—
What's the use?