THE BIRMINGHAM AGE-HERALD
VOLUME XXXSILI BIRMINGHAM. ALABAMA. SUNDAY. AUGUST 24. 1913 SPORTING SECTION NUMBER 111)
YARN-SPINNING SHERIFF TELLS
HOW PEOPLE GET THEIR NAMES
Courthouse Gang Hears Some More Marvelous Tales—School
Teacher Tells About His Wife Buying a Dress Form.
Veteran Tells About Some of His “Kinnery”
of the Old Days
By WELLINGTON VANDIVER
A case had been tried in court where a defendant denied
that he was indicted by the right name. This incident furnished
a theme which several discussed in a casual way, but it was
manifest that no notable or satisfactory opinion had as yet been
delivered. The sheriff had alone remained silent, but it was
apparent that the crowd was waiting for him to deliver himself
on this theme, which he did as follows:
“The way names got started is
something that none of us fellows
knows, but as likely as not most of
’em was accidental. For instance, a
fellow from Toadvine would move
into the Panhandle, and annottnee to
the settlers there that his name was
Bill, and his locality originally was
Toadvine. In the course of a few
months the Panhandlers would allude
to him as Bill Toadvine, and he’d tote
that name from then on.
“History don’t give no account of
- where all the HUl-billys inhabiting these
mountains started from, but we are sure
a different breed from the people of the
level lands, and the big towns. From the
sand hills of North Carolina down to
IMne-log In Tallapoosa County, Alabama,
there lives a canny, skimp-faced, truth
loving, whiskey-drinking, fighting, relig
ious race of men as clannish as the
8<*otch—iong-memoried like Injuns, good
with a gun, skeered of Ghosts, and kin
to whole counties at one time. They all
look alike, have got names that sound
sorter like, and they all must have come
from the same place.
Not Really Necessary
“Having a name ain't really necessary
to a party's well being, but it is some
handy for purposes of identification.
When I am arresting a chap it don’t make
no difference with me whether he claims
his name Is Bill Smoke, Senator Bever
age, or the Archangel Gabriel—he knows
what his name is, and I don’t, but when
I lock that fellow In the Jug I know that
he f8 there. Reckon names started in the
Old Times wfhen Whiskers and Patriarchs
abounded, and the head of a Family was
the daddy of Eighty to two hundred and
thirty sons, more or less. At first, may
be, the Old Man crapped and branded ’em
like cattle—which worked all right, un
less Jacob's herd of kids got mixed up
with Esau’s, and the brands being alike
the wrong chap sometimes got wallopped.
It wasn’t no upd trying to designate them
numerous children by numbers, as them!
ancient Patryarch's couldn’t count, hav-i
lng completely ignored the Multiplication
Table, though they was told to "Increase!
and multiply.’
"In the course of time a husky buck
hoy of Esau’s outfit, who is just exactly
alike sixteen other brothers—except for
having game ankles, gets to be called
"Box-ankle-ed Esau"—likewise a butt-cut
of a youth of the house of Jacob who
can’t he told apart from Twenty-nine
other Jakes—other wise than from the fact
that lie is shy some molars, acquires the
cognomen of Snaggle-tooth Jacob. Years
roil on and the Daughters of the Ameri
can Revolush gets to digging up Ances
try. with the result that It is proved con
clusively that every cnapter in the coun
try has daughters directly descended from
Esau Boxande and Jacob Snuggle tooth
The Smith Family
"Mistress Jordun Sprawls, who was Sis
Enoch* before she wedded, lias filed pa
pers with bar Chapter showing that her
Family was lineally descended from the
Patriarch Enoch, who "walked with
God"—although her great granddaddy
was a Dutch Tory woh had an Indian
Squaw for a wife during the American
Revolution. The initials of a man's name
happened in about the same way. The
Smith family, being as fertile as rabbits,
and much more numerous, has enough
boys to stock a Orphan Asylum. One of
’em has u protuberant stomach-a tum
mlf* that Juts out Into tlie landscape like
a portico to a Church—it ain't ornamental,
being too obvious for decorative purposes,
and this here Smith is ragged about that
cow-catcher development of his, a whole
lot, until he gets peeved. His derisive
friends tack on the name of "Pot-bellied
Smith" to this individual—they write him
Post cards from Brent. Alabama, show
ing the gin-house and swamp near the
blacksmith shop, and other Post cards
from Gadsden, with a colored view* of
Amos Goodhue, and the Cotton Mill at
Alabama City, addressing him as "P. B.
Smith," so that in course of year a he
latches on to them Initials and becomes
*P. B.’ Smith, all right.
"Old Adam Schwlndler, a fine old Dutch
Farmer over at Bull's Ferry, Heifer
Creek, Coweta County, Georgy, had three
sons, and the youngest of 'em, also named.
Adam, hung out his shingle as a Lawyer
man, and put on a lot of dog In splurg
ing around. His sign had on it ‘A Schwin
dler, Attorney at Law.’ This here plain
inscription didn’t seem to have style
enough about it especially as he saw that1
the City lawyers put a hyphen In their
cards, something like J.-Cadwallader
Jones, and H.-Smythe Doofunney, and
names like that—and so he had that sign
changed to 'A-dam Schwlndler, Attorney
at Law'' and he let it **tay there until he
was reduced to the necessity of taking in
plain sewing for a living.’’
Buying a Dress Form
“It ain't no hyperbole to state that 1
have been having serious trouble lately
with a invention of the Devil called a
‘Dress form.’ ” said the Country school
teacher. “My wife has been recklessly
indulging in a epistolary correspondence
with some mail order houses, resulting in
her purchasing a diabolical dingus sorter
resembling a half-dressed woman on
which piece of machinery dresses is fit.
It's about five and a half feet high—the
lower part spreads out, being made of,
wires, and the upper part bulges out like
a fat woman’s figure above her belt. It’s
awful unhandy to carry—It’s dreadfully
In the way anywhere you put it, and It
has scared me into about three fits at
night when 1 thought it was some stray
female hanging about the house.
“This contraption is used by the women
to fit dresses over. My wife dotes on it
like a stewed apple. It was about dark
w'hen I got it out of the Express office
and started home with it. I couldn’t tuck
it under my arm because it was too big—
nor could I carry the blasted thing either
feet foremost, head foremost, or side
ways on account of its shape and size
ableness. Never had such a wrastle with
a fool thing In my life as I encountered
with that combination. Met Parson
Rogers under an awmlng in the dusk as
I was shifting the figure from the north
east around in front of me and that Shep
pard looked at me in unutterable horror,
and held up his hands like he was seeing
the destruction of Sodom. News got
around the village next day that I was
drunk and hugging a woman right on
the street. Old Bill Traddles, the town
tattler, took the whole neighborhood into
ills confidence a telling about how me and
a it range woman cut up agin all sense
of morality arid decency." and that we
ought to be arrested and fined to the full
extent of tlie Law.
“1 am a officer in the Baptist Church,
ft Blue Lodge Mason, and a Temperance
man. nearly as strict as Walter D. Seed,
the Candidate for Governor—and I’ve got
u good notion to sue tliut old Villain for
slander. My wife has got the blasted
atrocity located out on tlie back veraner,
and every time I go out there at night
after a drink of water it skeers me nearly
into conniption fits. I tell you. fellows,
one of them Dress forms Js‘ calculated to
drive a peaceful citizen to drink."
Telia About His “Klnnery”
The Old Confederate cleared his throat,
and observed: “Speaking of ancestry, I
have been sorter trailing back among my
kinery, and excavating in Faintly history,
and I tell you, boys, my Family was peo
ple from away back—clean strain, game aa
hornets, full of fun as money-musk with
just as good blood In their veins as Old
Pharaoh.
“Now you chaps Just look at the fea
tures of that lovely female."
And the grizzled old Veteran produced
from an inner pocket and opening it of
fered a beautiful specimen of the old time
art of picture-making to the admiring
Idlers. Within a plush lined case was an
oval, surrounding a girlish face or rare
archness and beauty, a wide-eyed patri
cian maiden, with red lips, peach-blow
skin and Ivory shoulders.
“That vision of the morning," chuckled
the Old Confederate, “was my grand
maw, Betty Calvert, and she was a lally
pa-looler from over the waters, for a
fact. A spirited lass, she was. Had as
much heacTlo her as a bar’l of llkker, and
always had lashings of young c&valters
around her, cutting up and scrapping for
her smiles.
“And here is a picture of her grand
dorter. Dollie Calvert Donaldson, looking
as much like her granny as two peas, and
Heat Is Quick to
Affect the Bowels
Well Known Fact That Ex
treme Heat Conduces to
Chronic Constipation
So many people .are in the habit of
eating cold food in hot weather that
constipation Is very common during
Kiimmi'i. It is best to vary the food
and have some hot things, as, for exam
ple, soups and hot fish and meats, If
that is to be the diet. Iced water
should he drunk sparingly.
In spite of all care people will be
come constipated, and If you find your- !
self in that condition you can get im- i
mediate relief by the use of Dr. Cald- ,
well’s Syrup Pepsin. There is no time
of the year when you should be more!
careful of constl?)ation than in tlie j
.summer, for many of the serious ill- ;
nesses as \Yell as the fatalities result
from a clogging up of the bowels. You i
also need general good health to with
stand the heat, and hence Syrup Pepsin
Is best to take because it contains tonic
ingredients that help to build up the
entire system.
Numerous users throughout the land
will verify these facts, among them
Mr. George C. Allen, 408 N. Main St.,
Reading. Mass., who recovered his
health completely after using only two
bottles; and Miss Anna SchofY, 240 S.
Washington at., Bjltlmore, Mil., who
uses it for constipation and now has
her mother and friends also using it.
They now avoid drastic remedies like
cathartics, tablets, purgatives, salt wat
ers, pills and such things. Dr. (’aid
well's Syrup Pepsin is mild and plea
sant anil children like it. You can ob
tain It of any druggist at 50 cents an I
$1 a large bottle. Each bottle must do
what Is claimed or your money will be
refunded.
Families wishing to try a free sam
ple bottle can obtain It, postpaid, by
addressing Dr. W. B. Caldwell, 418
Washington St., Monticello, 111.
AUTOMOBILE INSURANCE
C'omplvte I*r«m‘ctl»it Against
I litre. THIS FT, COLLISKA, THANSI‘OKTATlOA AM) l'UOFKHTA It U1 U,t
ALL iiM Oi'.w POLICY
l.tv»*r«o«1 nn<* TCrrrn****T of Yep York
LOUIS V. CLARK & CO., Agents
ttftONB MI ?ALU—PUONC—WniTB 4U AVE. AND l»th St,
/
filled with equal quantity of devilment.
This here last gal was brightening up the
landscape and setting thing afllre about
the time of the Revolutionary War. She
was the toast of her day, run after by all
the boys In forty miles of her, for she
was one of the gayltest Maidens you ever
looked at. Dainty and peart to the limit
was Dollie—one of them kind that could
make a man jump out of a tall tree for
love of her. The gal was raised rich,
with a whole lot of high notions, mighty
hortv and aristocratic. Her pretty head
was full of foolishness along of reading
them old fashioned novels like Walter
Scott, Clarissa Harlow e. Days of Bruce,
Jane Austen and such.
Looking for Plumed Knight
"She was continually looking out for
some plumed knight to come riding out
of the woods, his saddle how draped with
scalps an dthlngs, and lay his devours
and other things at her dainty feet, while
the Seneachal tootel his horn and bower
and hall rang with high-flown deeds of
chivalry—as the trenchermen poked In
the grub—or words to that effect. Fre
quently she give It out, clammy and cold,
that she'd never mortal man unless he
had the sand Jn his gizzard of them old
Round Table Ducks of King Arthurs
Court fellows that ’ud tackle anything
from lye-soap to Dragons, and who went
sputtering over the country clothed in a
whole hardware Wore rescuing gentle
maidens, and punching other Iron-foundry
Knights in tile slats with a pole for the
honor of Merrle England.
“ 'The men of this age,’ she allowed,
‘were prosaic, commercial, and wholly
wanting in the high courage of the gallant
Paladins of Old,' and she would turn, up
her cute little noSe and flirt off to her
bower, leaving the flabbergasted swains
hanging about her, cussin a blue streak,
and yearning for a chance to punch
somebody's head.
"There was a slow motioned, good
natured, husky boy who was a neighbor
to this here Dollie Calvert, having grooved
up with her, and been her playmate,
slave and football ever since he was
knee high. His name was Robert Har
court Dinwiddle, but nobody ever thought
of calling him anything except Just plain
‘Bob.’ When she was a little gal she
would tyrannize and domineer over that
Bob boy scanlalous, but he appeared to
like it, and never grumbled a little bit.
She'd scratch him. and eat up all his
goodies, and bltfc him, and that Bob per
son would just set and look at her same
as if she was a idol of gold.
“Dollle’s folks didn't mind Bob playin’
with and protecting her any more than if
be had a been a big Newfoundland dog.
I don’t suppose they ever gave a thought
to that stout urchin hanging about her
any more than if he had been a nigger,
because Bob’s folks was as poor as
church mlse, and there was the Hlgh
muck-a-Mucks of that whole country.
Bob shore w'as devoted to that little gal,
and being as strong as a steer, he kept
her from glttlng hurt and being drowned
and falling out ’en trees and things lots
of times.
Went Away to College
“These young folks growed up together
free and untrammeled like a couple of
reeds by the River’s brink, Dollie hector
ing and henpecking him, regular, and Bob
doating on her like she was Egg-nogg,
and guarding her same as a big bull dog.
Finally her folks sent her off to a swell
College for Yung Women in the City, for
to put the frills on her education, leav
ing Bob mighty lonesome, except for
plowing ami farming, and occasionally
going to a night school. When she fin
ished and come back the Queen of Sheba
was outclassed by her raiment, a job lot
of dudes was hanging around her like
bees after honey, and she put on more
dog than a sausage factory. She yet
never failed to declare herself as refusing
to mate with any man critter alive, unless
he had great gobs of the Walter Scott
brand of courage.
“When Bob slicked up and visited her
tlie pit! folks give him to understand tlult
there waft a social gulf between ’em, and
that she wasn’t At home any more to Mr.
Robert Harcourt Dinwiddle’ at least
that’s ti»e way Dollle’s ma put it, so that
Bob pranced away from that front door
as niad as a wet lien. He never laid eyes
on her no more for a spell until late one
evening as lie was walking along home
on the big road, returning from his work,
he heard a female voice carol forth a
squawk, and Ren two big Hobo’s a yank
ing a girl along between them. Bob lit
down on them outcasts like a thousand
of brick, grabbed both of them by the
neck, and with them ox-muscles of his’n
he knocked their heads agin each other
just as a kid would play with two dolls,
until them Weary Willies was senseless.
“When he diskivered it was Dollie he
had been rescuing he grinned like a cata
mount. Dollie talked a blue streak and
twittered her thanks, but Bob made a
few brilliant remarks about the weather,
fetched his hat mighty supercilllous, said
Good EVenin and ambled off as horty as
roosters, leaving that maiden sorter
chawed.
Bob’s Circus Exploit
“When the Circus hit the village Bob
was plowing in the bottom field, and
didn't know it until along in the shank
of the evening, when he took out and
mounted his old iKt nude with the gear
on him, intending to go by the Post of
fice. Arrived thar he seen there was some
commotion going on—folks stampeding—
people running off among the scenery,
and everybody sheered into a blue funk.
Wahl's the cause of this hei*e stampede?’
asked Bob of a citizen who is shinning up
a tree. ’Liun! Liun!’ yells the climbing
person gitting out on a limb. ’The Liun
Jn the Circus has got out. and is cavort
ing around plenty free. He's over thar in
that cow-shed, and 1 expect by this time
he has chawed up half the poperlation.’
Bob rode over to the shed, lit down off'n
iKt, and went up to the Old Roarer, who
had backed up in a corner, as bad
sevared as the folks. He went up to the
lion with the trace chain off'n the nuile
in his hand, kicked the Lion in the stom
ach. os as to make him back around
handy, fastened the chain around his neck
and led that Lion out as meek Moses.
Tlmr they went down the street towards
the Circus, and when Bob met the Ring
master and hands with guns and things,
and crowbars, he handed him the end of
the chain and said. ’Mister, here’s your
Lion’
“Dollie couldn’t stand Bob putting it
all over the King of Beaste that away,
so when he got back to his mule thar she
stood, blushing and smiling with her eyes
bright and swimming. ’Oh Bob, you did
catch that Lion ft didn't you?’ she said,
sorter snuggling up to him. ‘Yes-sum,’
replied that grinning Gent. ‘Wasn't you
afraid?' asked she. Yes-sum,' chuckled
that husky citizen, ‘me and the Lion Was
both sorter rattled, specially the lion.’
Waht a great splendid Hero you are.
Bob,’ said that little Dollie Gal. catching
bold of his immense hand and sorter
twisting around until she got his arm over
her pretty shoulders. ‘You are going to
protect me, and lake care of me always,
ain't you. Bob?' murmured that cute
wheedling Dollie. Iti reply that Bob cit
izen sorter tightened his arm around her
waist, right easy, so -as not to hurt her,
and answered with a grin as wide as the
Amazon River, If I don’t protect you,
Honey, I'll bust a blood vessel a trying.’ ”
A Like Retort
From the Philadelphia Public* Ledger.
A dapper young shoe store clerk fitted a
number 9 over a farmer's yarn sock.
“When you get these on.” he smilingly
remarked, “you 'can sing ‘How Firm a
Foundation.' ” The farmer answered not
a word until the number 9’s were on his
feet, and ids old shoes in a neatly wrap
ped package under bin arm. As he
reached the door he smilingly said. “And
' >ou can sing 'A Charge to Keep I Have.’ ”
j
Last Week of The August Clean-Up Sale—Likewise “Last Call” on
Some of the Best Merchandise Values Ever Offered by the Caheen
Store. Read Some of the Monday Specials—and be certain you're
here when the doors open in the morning.
-— --- ——-— -
Last Call on Summer Dresses $-fl .98
Values up to $10.00 Monday J
■
A genuine Clean-Up Sale of all Summer Dresses—all this
season’s best styles, that have been selling from $5.00 to
$10.00, about three hundred dresses in the lot. For a quick
sale we will place the entire lot at one price QQ
Monday
Clean-Up Sale of
Odd Skirts
$1.69
About one hundred wool
skirts, odd lots, mostly mix
tures and whipcords. We
need the room, d* "J £JQ
quick sale price
Linen Auto
Coats
$3.50
All auto coats in plain linen,
formerly selling up to $7.50,
Monday, one
price .
$1.25 Balkan
Blouses
69c
Monday we offer our entire
stock of Balkan blouses, all
sizes, for a quick sale. Reg
ular $1.25
values. vli/V'
Silk Petticoats
$1.69
An unusual value in silk pet
ticoats for Monday’s selling,
in all the best colors and
black, easily worth $d.00,
£nday’.$1.69
Clean-Up Sale of Linene
Skirts 49c
One lot of about two hundred white linene skirts, regular
$1.00, $1.25 and $1.50 value, slightly soiled from bundling.
Buy these Monday, .49c
New School Dresses For
Monday
.lust in and ready for Monday selling, a new line children’s
school dresses. Materials are gingham and galetea cloth,
all new fall styles, in sizes 6 to 14, Price (J*-| AQ
$1.25 to . vl»wO
Close Out Sale of Lawn
Kimonas 39c
A general clean up sale of lawn kimonos, both long and
short, all at one price, formerly selling 65c and 75c. QQ
Your choice Monday.Oi/C
Odd Lot of Muslin Gowns
$1.00 and $1.25 Values 49c
About three hundred muslin
White Goods
Sheets—Full double bed size, flat french seam, wide hem,
a good serviceable sheet. Price, QA~
each. Ot/C
Bleaching Hope domestic, no starch, Monday, <J*"| AA
12 12 yards for. J-»v/vF
Snowflake Voile 40 inches wide, a beautiful fabric A A »
for waists and frocks. Price, per yard.
Towels Heavy buck, extra good quality, 18x36, QQ
per dozen .i/Ov
Colored Wash Goods
Lav/ns Neat patterns of dots, floral figured and stripe,
worth I Or per yard, close out price, Monday, A _
per yard ...
Now Ginghams We are showing new ginghams, the most
beautiful fall patterns, an immense assortment, 1 rt 1
per yard . JL&i ■_> 1,
American Calico Light and darks, per p*
yard .vQ
Percales New fall patterns for ladies’ and children’s wear
and shirts for men and boys, the best made, price, 1 rt l
per yard.2 C
Fine Shirt Madras —36 inches wide, beautiful patterns, reg
ular 25c quality, these are mill clippings from 5 to 20 yards,
wc cut yardage to suit vou. Special per 1«jl
yard . .\U 2 C
gowns, all odd lots, two and
throe of a kind, gowns that
have been selling all season
readily at $1 and $1.25. In or
der to make a quick clean up
of all odd lots we put them
all in one lot for Monday’s
sale, one ]trice,