The Birmingham age-herald. [volume], August 31, 1913, MAGAZINE SECTION, Image 43

About The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950

Image provided by: University of Alabama Libraries, Tuscaloosa, AL

                
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On the Mews
from the Empire State
By Finley Peter Dunne
' A New Yorker who hasn’t his hat dented in at laste wanst a
week be a polisman feels that he is niglicted.”
, / i iinpi? ” i—1„ i,„„ „i i.. »«.i r> t. • . . i. v.
“Little Ol’ New York, Me Boys, Is Good Enough f’r Me.”
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t % i 7 ’ -----
I Wilson will not intliervene be foorte in
New York. It may be tlirue that annyehy
exists there, that there is no settled gov
crmint an’ that th’ lives an’ property iv Americans
ar-re onsafe. But is that anny raison why we
sliud go pokin’ our heads into th’ domestic
throubles in these out-iv-th’-way communities? It
wud be no aisy task to subjoo these wild thribes
accustomed to gucrrilly warfare amongst thim
silves. Like as not befure we conkcred thim our
army wud have narvolts prosthration fr'm th’ life
an’ wuddin’t want to come back home. It wud
take fifty years to civilize New York up to th’
level iv Arkansaw or Texas. Do we want to haul
into th’ gentle sistherhood iv th’ states this rude
popylation diffrin’ fr’m us in dhrcss, customs, an’
thraditions, an’ with no idee iv th’ manin’ iv laws
an’ republican institutions as they ar-re undher
stood, let us say, in til’ state iv Arizony ? I say
not. It is plainly our jooty as a Chrystyan nation
to sell thim arms an’ ammynition an’ let thim
blow each ither’s heads off in their own happy
way.
“ I have niver been in New York, but if I was
a young feller with th’ spirit iv advinture in me
I’d take a gun an’ go down there. I’ve read a
great dale about it an’ fr’m what I’ve read an’
what thravelers who’ve escaped tell me, it’s wan
iv th’ few picturesque places left in th’ wurruld.
It is almost th’ on’y spot that has not been touched
an’ spiled be civilization. Th’ state is large in
aryca, but th’ popylation is all gathered in three
sthreets which comprise what is known as the
City iv New York—Wall sthreet, Fifth avenoo,
an’ Broadway—or in th’ penal settlement at Al
bany or in th’ resorts iv th’ idle rich at Sing Sing
or Mattawan. I niver read annything about th’
rest iv th’ state, so I suppose it is oninhabited.
“ Th’ popylace range in color fr’m white to
dark purple ail’ speak a corrupt form iv th’ Yid
dish language. Th’ subjick races call thimsilves
’ the wise guys,’ but ar-re known to th’ rulers who
belong to. th’ noble caste iv con men as ‘ th’ aisy
marks.’ Th’ wise guys or aisy marks, as ye
choose to call thim, form about 99 per cint iv
th’ popylation. Far fr’m bein’ dissatisfied with
their lowly condition, they ar-re intinsely proud
iv it, an’ although quarrelsome among thimsilves
ar-re obeejint to their rulers, who conthrol thim
with gr-reat wisdom an’ patience* makin’ thim
f’rget their injuries fr’m day to day be givin’
thim new injuries to think about. On th’ whole
they ar-re kept fairly happy be this constant
change in wrongs. At times they show signs iv
rebillin’, but they can nearly always be quieted
be bein’ told to remimber that they ar-re wise
guys, an’ aven whin they rise against their rulers
they refuse to thrust each other, but have to
silicit a con man as a leader, so th’ result is th’
same.
“As agin’ th’ rale thing they make no com
plaint as long as they are kept properly trimmed
and occasionally walloped be some wan with a
unyform on. A New Yorker who isn’t short
changed or hasn’t his hat dented in at laste wanst
a week be a polisman, a sthreet car conductor,
a waiter, or a theayter usher feels that he is
niglicted. Although manny outsiders has gone
into these bad lands fr’m time to time an’ ayther
succumbed to th’ thribal customs or jined th’
rulin’ class, th’ aborigines ar-re intinsely scornful
\ iv sthrangers an’ passyonately devoted to their
counthry, so that a rale New Yorker wile has
j| been thrun out iv a pollin’ place because some
autymobile, picked up an’ robbed be a gun man,
an’ turtied over to a polisman f’r execution, has
been known to sing th’ naytional anthem, ‘ Little
Ol’ New York, Me Boys, Is Good Enough f’r
Me,’ on his way to th’ morgue.
“ Th’ habits iv th’ natives ar-re exthremely sim
ple. They sildom do annything durin’ th’ day
time but set on the fire escapes, but whin night
falls an’ th’ booze advertisemints lights up th’
firrnymint they rush out in hundhreds iv thou
sand to th’ most convanient places in Broadway
to gratify their childish pleasure in havin’ their
pockets picked an’ their feet stamped on, or in
dulgin’ in their furyous native dances till th’ hour
iv midnight sthrikes, whin with inhuman cries
they fall on th’ briled live lobster and tear it limb
fr’m limb. At wan o’clock th’ polis intherrupt
their orgy or supper an’ notify thim that it is bed
time be beltin’ thim over th’ head. This pleasant
old Knickerbocker custom is known as th’ curfew
an’ New Yorkers ar-re so used to it that manny
iv thim can't sleep comfortably without a bump
behind th’ car.
“ Slnire, I don’t blame westhern men who go
down to New York f’r niver lavin’ there. An’
be th’ same token if it wasn’t fr’ New York the
' v- ' v m in iv *iv-vva man m uu m » >—
iv th’ wurruld in a year an’ wan night iv Broad
way wild give th’ Apacliy Kid heart disease.
“ Missionaryes are returnin' fr’m th’ Far Fast
and tell us that popylation is much disthurbed
at prisint because th’ state is suffrin’ fr’111 two
gov'n’rs,, both Dimmycrats, an’ has lost its most
prom’nint citizen, who is husband iv New York’s
fav’rite actliress.
“ I’ve been thryin’ to make out what th’
throuble is with me ol’ frind Bill, the people's
frind. He’s always been me fav'rite statesman,
because he’s so gloomy lookin’. I wud nivcr
thrust a pollytical leader who looked pleasant.
Give me wan whose face is furrowed be pain
an’ whose eyes show that his mind is far away
fr’m sordid things an’ may niver return. Bill
looks like clay on’y lie’s more liquid. But it’s
no use thryin’ to compare him with annybody.
No other statesman iver was as statesmanly as
Bill. George Washin'ton an’ Thomas Jefferson
looked like Irish commejans compared with him.
He’s th’ grandest, gloomyest lookin’ man that iver
lived. What an undhertaker he vvud’ve made if
th’ sorrows iv th’ people an' th’ practice iv law
hadn’t compelled him to go into pollyticks! It
wud be a rale pleasure to have such a nachrelly
“Th’ gr-reatest noodle experts in th’ wurruld called on him daily.”
westhern pa-apers wuddin't be worth readin’. I
pick up me fav'rite journal an’ skim languidly
through th’ tame news iv th’ effete west. Red
Dog, New Mexico, repoorts a convintion iv th’
Chrystyan Indeavor assocyation. At Dead Man's
Gulch, Arizony, an archery tournymint is in pro
gress. Miss Lucy Dimple has been ilicted mayor
in Jacks-up, Wyoming, on a platform promisin’
to abolish games iv checkers in grocery sthores.
I m about to throw away th’ pa-aper in disghust
whin me eye lights on a colylim headed: ‘New
York, Day be Day.’ Thin I settle down f’r rale
injymint. Rival gangs shoot up Fifth Avenoo
Presbyteerian church. Supreme court justices
accused iv safe blowin’. Dinnymite cxplosyon in
most fash’nable gamblin' hell. Rivrend Augustine
Miff dances th’ tango in pulpit. Mayor an’ dis
trict attorney in free fight in Lobster palace.
Gov’n'r iv state accused iv embezzilmint, perjury,
forgery, idiocy, anil goin’ back on th’ gang. Gift
ed young millyonaire murdhrer resints snobbish
ness an’ laves insane asylum in disgust. Ail’ so
it goes. There's more goin’ on in a minyit in
dispirited lookin’ man presidin’ over th’ exercises
with that I-wish’t-I’d-been-taken-instead exprcs
syon in his eyes as he said: ‘ Be careful, boys.
Look out f'r th’ step an’ don’t spill th’ floral im
blims.’
“An’ what is Bill sad about, says ye? Is he
sad about himsilf?^ Faith, he is not. If that
onselfish sowl iver give a thought to himsilf he’d
laugh himsilf sick. No, sir; Bill’s life has been
crushed be a gr-reat sorrow, but it is not his own.
This noble heart has been broken be th’ suffrin's
iv th’ plain people. Bill is not plain himsilf. l ie
is very beautiful. But lie feels f'r tliim that have
not injyed his nachrel advantages, lie suffers
f'r th’ woes iv ye an' me, Hinnissy. It’s always
been a great relief to me whin bowed down
undher th’ yoke iv oppressyon to know that ol’
Bill was weepin’ or runnin’ f'r office or makin’
some other sacrifice f'r me. lie h^s always been
a frind iv th' people. Me has lavished his sobs
on thim an’ has ast nawtliin’ in return but their
votes. While he was in Washin'ton no poor man
iver called on Bill an’ came away empty handed.
x xv u i n u^i j v. i uiv livu lit i il J V.I IIIIV ^ u tvvi ill! u uuv,
iv sunflower seeds an’ a copy iv Bill’s last appeal
f'r humanity.
“ An’ now, what d’ye think: they’re thryin’ to
hurl Bill out iv th’ gov’nor’s chair—these con
spirators, these wretches who don’t like th’ people
plain but prefer thim skinned an’ done to a turn.
An’ what do they accuse him iv doin’? Nawthin’
at all. They say that he pinched th’ campaign
funds an’ played thim against th’ foolish wheel in
Wall sthreet, as if that wasn’t th’ customary
thing to do with other people’s money in New
York.
“ Ol’ Bill refuses to dignify these charges with
a denial, hut he has employed eminint lawyers
who wud not hesitate to dignify anny charge be
denyin' it. Th’ truth is that th’ rale accusation
against Bill is not that afther passin’ the plate he
hurried down with th’ receipts an’ flung it on
th’ red. There’s somethin’ worse behind it. It
seems that Bill was dieted gov’nor iv th’ state
be a binivolint old feller in private life who saves
th’ people iv New York fr'm th’ worries iv polly
ticks be pickin’ out good la-ads f'r all th’ jobs.
This mild ol’ dishpot sarves without salary an’
his motto is: ‘I care not who makes th’ laws iv
me counthry, so long as I make th’ cliunes they
dance to.’ Last fall he discovered Bill weepin’
in front iv a camera.
Why so gushy? ’ asked the cheery old feller.
‘ I sob,’ says Bill, ‘-F’r th’ plain people, for th’
millions iv me fellow citizens who can't look into
th’ glass without a cry iv horror,’ says he. ‘ Thin
ye’re me man/ says th’ philanthropist. ‘ What I
want f'r gov’nor is a fellow that’s blinded be
tears or anny other way. Ye seem to be single
minded or aven less. Come with me/ he says.
An’ he made him gov’nor. An’ they do say tiiat
afther he got into the job Bill wint back on his
binifacther. I won't repeat th’ dark rumors that
ar-re goin’ ar-round, an’ mind ye, don’t give me
as ye’er authority, but it’s whispered Bill refused
to do something f’r kindly ol’ Char-rles Murphy.
An' that’s th’ reason in New York. But I’m with
Bill, annyhow. I’ll niver go back on a man who
has to blow his nose ivry time he thinks iv th’
troubles iv illiers. But isn’t it a tur-rble thought,
lliiinissy, that whiniver there’s anny marked
money goin’ around some frind iv til’ people is
sure to be lauded with it? Indadc it seems to be
th’ on'y kind th’ tiirue pathrite iver gets hold iv
in these times.
“ As f'r th’ other gr-reat sorrow that is tearin’
th’ heart iv New York, I find it hard to speak
iv it without emotion. It is th’ worst financyal
blow that New York has suffered since Black
Friday. Young Nutley Scads, th’ brillyant young
assassin, an’ accordin’ to a number iv alyenists
th’ finest mind obsarved be thim in thirty years—
Nutley Scads, upon whom thousands iv lawyers,
doctors, an’ statesmen depinded f’r support, has
followed th’ example iv me frind Gene Foss an’
other capitalysts an’ moved his enormous plant
over to Canada. I can’t make out why he done
it. No man cud’ve received betther threatment
thin this arrystocratic young paranoiac. His
pitcher was printed in th’ pa-apers Cary day.
He was intherviewed on all important subjicts.
His proclamations were received with respict.
Preachers visited him an’ afther receivin’ a con
thribfltion f'r buildin’ a new church wint away
with his blessing. Whiniver he was displeased
with th’ conversation iv th’ superintindint iv th’
fciv/wuj “im.li MV vjlOMUJvTVU lllllt |'in JOIIICUVUI
in his place that he cud assocyate with, lie had
ccrtyricates to til’ strength iv his intelleck fr'm
some iv th’ gr-reatest noodle experts in th’
wurruld. These imtninint men iv science called
on him daily an’ wYote: ‘ Afther makin’ a thor
ough scientific examination iv th’ bank roll iv
this young phenomenon, we cheerfully maintain
that f’r pure intelleck he makes Dan’l Webster
look like a conginital idjut.’ Ivrylhitig was done
to make his stay pleasant to him an’ profitable lo
th’ commonwealth. But he grew discontinted.
He objicted to th’ quality iv th’ ciggreets sup
plied be th’ state. He demanded smokeless
powdher f’r his afthernoon exercise in shootin’
at dummies iv th’ disthrict attorney. He com
plained that lie was annoyed be neighbors who
falsely pretinded to be Solomon. Fin’lly, wan
mornin' whin th’ breakfast champagne was corked
he cud sthand it no longer, but made a dash t’r
freedom. That is to say, Hinnissy, ne put on
his hat an’ coat, shook hands with th’ olificyals,
lit a cigree^ opened ill’ front dure, stepped into
his autymobile, said, ‘ Canady, William,’ an’ fled.
“ These ar-rc dark days in New York. Busi
ness in manny industhries has stopped completely
an’ throngs iv alyeiiists an’ lawyers who used to
come back fr’m Mattawan to their happy fam'lies
ivry night with their pay envelopes in their
pockets have been thrown on their own resoorces
an’ may have to take to workin’ th’ Jersey City
ferry. But a new era in prosperity has opened
up f’r Canady. There hasn’t been so much de
tachable American money in that happy land since
th’ days iv Nipissing. Th’ bar an’ th’ bars in
Ottawa, Toronto, Monthreal, an’ Quebec ar-rc
deserted an’ gr-rcat throngs iv king's counsel,
doctors, statesmen, an’ journylists have hurried
to greet th’ affable capytalist who threats thim
pleasantly, pullin’ their hair an’ requestin’ thim
to stand on their heads while he reads thim a
pome. There ar-re very few alyenists in Canady,
because money has been scarce, but since th’ ar
rival iv th’ distinguished visitor a number iv
vethrinary surgeons, plumbers, an’ pa-aper
hangers has qualified f’r th’ job. Th’ local doctor,
a grajuatc iv th’ Kingston college iv chiropody,
on his way to th’ bank to make a deposit, was
sthopped be a reporter that he got liult iv an’
said: ' I have come in contack with most iv th’
brilyant minds that has been immured in this jug,’
he says, ‘ an’ this is be far th’ most profound.
How did I find him? Most pleasant and exthreme
ly aisy. He threated me almost as an akel an’
was kind enough to give me a frindly kick as I
come out,’ he says.
“ Iv coorse New York is bindin’ ivry effort to
get their pathron back, but it is hard to wrench
him fr’m our warm hearted lady iv snows. An’
afther he has been disintangled fr’m th’ embraces
iv th’ king’s counsel, th’ doctors, th’ shtiritf, th’
chief iv polis, th’ coor^, an’ th’ immygration au
thorities an’ has been sifted through New Hamp
shire an’ Vermont, will there be enough left iv
him to make it worth while takin’ him back? I
don't know. It looks to me as though there wud
be manny new faces in th’ bread line this win
ter.”
“ I don’t like thim anylists,” said Mr. Henncssy.
“ I wuddin’t if I was ye,” said Mr. Dooley.
“If wan iv thim iver wint through ye’er clothes
he'd have ye locked up sure.”
(Copyright: 1913: By Kinley Teter Uunn«.)