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The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, September 21, 1913, FINANCIAL SECTION, Image 49

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Persistent link: https://chroniclingamerica.loc.gov/lccn/sn85038485/1913-09-21/ed-1/seq-49/

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toy * •
Do They Give a
Young Man and a
Young Woman a
Better Chance to
Grow Thoroughly
Acquainted With
Each Other ? Or Do
They Give Them a
Chance to Discover
All of Each Other*s
Faults Without
the Helpful Powers
of Forgiving and
Understanding That
Marriage Brings?

/ O long engagements end happily?”
j I “ la it well for us to be engaged
when we cannot possibly hope to
be married for years?” aak many
• of my correspondents.
Is an engagement a miraculous ho* o' can8y
that is always full of sweetmeats, no matter
how many are eaten? Or is it only a human
sized one that contains just so much sweet
ness which is either concentrated in a short
time or stretched over a long time?
Do long engagements give a young man and
a young woman a better chance to grow thor
oughly acquainted with each other than short
engagements do? Or do they also give them a
chance to discover all of each other’s faults
without the helpful powers of forgiving and
understanding that marriage brings?
N Head tliis letter :
“My Dear Miss Libbey: What is your
opinion of a young man who deliberately en
gaged himself to a girl for nine years, lending
her to believe that they were to be married
evAtually, and who within the last year de
clared his intention of remaining a bachelor
and ’ free lance ’ ?
“Do you believe that his actions are the re
sult of an engagement that has been too long?
“ But let me tell you all about it before you
decide. I am now no longer a child, so that
my affair is not one ,of the ’ puppy love ’ va
riety, hut one that f flattered myself was to
see me through life. This mail and I are both
university graduates. We met wheu ’.re vyere
very young, and we went together in r pile of
a storm of protest. My parents pleuded witli
me to give him up. My father was especially
bitter against him. Before his dentji he called
me lo him and wanted me to make him « prom
ise that 1 would never marry this man. Lit
tle did I think then that I wasn’t going to.
That one tiling I couldn't promise my father,
although 1 would have promised him anything
else in the world.
“ In every other thing I valued ray father’s
opinion above any one else's that I had ever
known, lie always seemed to me like the
very highest type of manhood, and 1 never
doubted hit judgment in anything else In my
lif'1. Rut 1 couldn’t give up the man that I
loved. I clung to him more tightly than ever,
perhaps because my parents anti relatives all
disapproved of him so strenuously. His de
votion to me at that time was everything that
any girl could wish for. We both took his un
popularity for granted, and determined to be
hnppy despite everything.
Happiness Didn't Last.
" We were recklessly happy for severnl
short, sweet years. He used to say that I was
the best 1 pal ’ a fellow ever had. He didn’t
know half of the things that I had to go
through on his account. Sometimes I used to
wonder why my mother didn't lock trie in my
room and feed me on bread and water the way
that cruel parents used to do in the gtor.v
books, because she surely did everything else
that they used to’ do to girls in love with an
unwelcome man. I couldn’t give up the man
whom I had given- my heart to, no matter
who wanted me to, nnu no matter how much
1 had to endure through not giving him up.
“ Rut our happiness didn’t last. I some
times wonder If we’d have married then—but
there’s no use now thinking about that. We
didn’t, because we were too young* We were
both of us still in college, and we had no pros
pect* of being able to be married until after
we graduated and he was able to get a good
position.
“ His parents purchased a summer home ih
another state, and week ends and holidays he
always spent with them. He always gave
some plausible excuse for being away from me,
and he used to say: ‘ We’ll have all the more
fun when I get back, dear.’ 'Phis kept up un
til it grew noticeable, and 1 could feel the
finger rtf scorn and mockery pointed at me.
But I stuck! That’s the pathetic part of it.
lie knew that I’d he waiting at home with
open arms and a smile on my lips for him.
“ About this time we graduated from col
lege, and I supposed that all I would have
to do w«.', to sit at home and wait for tljy
wedding day to roll nround with its merry
chimes. Our dream v as to be realised when
he made $25 a week, a princely salary to us
poor young fools, then.
“ That day has come—and gone. lie is
drawing three times that much nml more now.
Ho has a motor car of his own. And we are
not married.
“ During these years I have noticed a grad
ual falling off of his attentions, but I have
byoad mindedly attributed it to his growing
business and his trips home. And whenever
friends 1mmade sarcastic remarks about his
being away from me all of the time, or about
how devoted be is to me, I rjj always ready,
with some glib, laughing answer in bis de
fense.
* H«
Shall She Tr\j to Forget Him ?
“ Today, a woman of 25, I find myself
humiliated beyond words by the bitterness of
the ‘ I told you so ’ which my people are con
stantly flinging at me. Were there ever
crueler words written? Until recently I
actually didn’t care to live because of this
affair. The idea of taking m.v own life is ab
solutely foreign to my nature, *or 4 have al
ways been a jolly, fun loving girl, and I have
always been in for a good time. That the
Creator has caused such a blight to come into
my life is utterly beyond my comprehension.
Sometimes, when I think about it, it dt esn’t
seem as though it could' he l who am suffering
this way. But T do suffer; every inch of me
hurts with the keenest pain that* can ever
come to a woman, the pain of loving and
knowing that the man she loves doesn’t love
her.
“ I am sure that I love him, although with
a little less enthusiasm than before. But I
know', too, that 1 would do anything to get
him hack again, 1 would cast pride aside. I
wouldn’t care wnat my family said. He still
keeps tal) on me by telephoning to me occa
sionally and inviting me to go for a spin in
his car. And whenever In* comes I love him
so much that it seems that I can’t let him go,
ever.
“ What I wanted your advice on is what
attitude 1 shall assume toward him. I real
ize now that I shall have to make up my mind
to do something and do it. in spite of tin* ache
that it mi\.v\ bring to my heart. Shall I ac
cept his invitations and ho as sweet to him
ns though lie hadn’t broken my heart, in the
hope that lie will change his mind about being
a bachelor and marry me eventually? Or
shall I refuse to see him and try to forget
him.
“I am now accepting the attentions of
seural otlier very respectable and highly
estimable young men, but I cgnnot help feel
ing that it is only killing^time until the man
that I love comes back to me. if such a thing
is possible. We have had SI Oil good times
together. Even now when we’re together peo
ple must think thaf we’re newly engaged.
” Do you think that it is possible for a
young man of 27 to acquire the bachelor habit
suddenly, without something very tangible be
ing hack of it? Do you think that lnv truly
loves me or that lie ever did? Ilia mother
has a great influence over him, and I feel
that she has never liked me. It would be dif
ferent if 1 were a girl of an inferior, illiterate
type. Hut he has always told me that I was
the cleverest and best looking girl he ever
knew. Vet he fled !
“Oiin it be tlial we were engaged too long?
Should tfte diave been married when we were
young and let our parents complain about our
marriage instead of about our engagement?
“<\ It.”
*
Were Engaged for Six Years.
Would these two young people have been
happy if they had been married when they
were younger? „
Can any love, no matter hotf sweet and
true and holy it is, stand the constant nag
ging of a discontented family? Is there any
stone in the world* that constant dripping
won’t wear away?
One of the most hajppily married women
that I have ever known said to me one day :
— - «
” I>o you know why I’m so happy? It’s he
rn use by tlip time Jim and 1 were married
neither one of us had any illusions about the
other. We were engaged for six years. Ev'ery
year we discovered some other little fault that
the other one had. Jim says that 1 never did
have more than five, and I’m sure that his
sixth fault iap't a very great one. So now we
live on spending every minute of our lives
finding out each*other’a nice qualities, anerwe
don’t have to waste any time getting used to
faults.” ,
And yet it isn’t every young man and young
woman who could content themselves with
finding out of the faults. Most of the faults
would he rocks on which the fragile ergage
ment hark would break.
Putting off getting married is often the
only wise thing to do when an engagement is
a very early one. Hut the remedy is far more
easily found than in a long engagement. The
easiest and least heart breaking way out of
an arrangement of that sort is a preventive
arrangement, not a cure. Why should young
people, very young people, he engaged at all?
Is it not better for them to he a little un
happy because they can not he engaged anil to
go along with their everyday lives being the
( very best sort of friends, than for them to* live
for many years with the dream of marriage
before them and then discover su hlenly that
one or the other does not want to be mar
ried ?
Is ” the bachelor habit,” which this young
man suddenly acquired, not a malady that may
overtake any long engagement?
Real Life Romances Offered to Miss Libbey for Solution.
She Fitted at Him.
“ Dear Miss Llbbey : Have been acquainted
with a young gentleman for three years. He
called on me for n few months when we first
met. He was my first fellow, and I thought
n great deal of him, although I often picked
at him for things that did not amount to any
thing, and he stopped calling. 1 have been
in company with a great many fellows, and
hove had several call on me, but still the
love I1 have for him is not forgotten. A
couple of times when I met; him I Invited him
to call. He said he would, but did not ask
when he could call, and did not come. He
often sends his regards to me through other
girls, • and nlways speaks very good of me.
Now, do you think his love has grown entire
ly cold? I will thank you for some good
advice. Raoiwa."
Ton might drop the fellow a note and in
vite him to come and spend an evening at
your home. That will give you an oppor
tunity of seeing whether he really is interest
ed in yon or not.
* * '
“Hat Never Spoken Marriage.”
“Dear Miss Llbbey: t am a young girl of
20 years and have beeu going with • young
man of 24 year* for the last live years. Now,
More this young man very much, hut as long
I hare been going with him he never has
menuoueii mniTinge . 10 me. lie is ail ior
his mother. Now, what I want to know is
what I shall do regarding the matter.
" ICate.”
The man probably is not in, a position to
marry yet if he bag hig mother to care for.
However, it is not wise to let him monopolize
all four time uhless his Intentions are seri
ous. I would suggest that you go about with
other boys. It is a raistuke for a girl to give
all her time and attention to one man unless
she is engaged to him.
* *
Changing the Wedding Dale.
“ Hear Miss Libbey: I have a gentleman
friend with whom I have been keeping com
pany for two years. We are engaged, and
hnd our wedding 'set for October, then
changed it for September. Do you think it is
bad lrtck or any barm in it? Our wedding is
to be quiet; no one knows it but our fami
lies. We are to marry sooner on account of
disadvantages; he has so far to cull and has
to spend so much money that it would be
much better for ifs to marry earlier. What
should I marry in? Lulu.”
Personally, I don't think there is any harm
in changing a wedding date, in spite of the
popular theory to that effect. If it is to your
. advantage to change the date to the first of
September, I would advise you to change it.
ir tne wedding is a quiet cnnreli ntiair, a suit
and hat would be moat appropriate. If it is
a house wedding, a pretty white silk dress
would be nice.
# *
What Shall She Say ?
“ Dear Miss Bibbey: Tell me the proper
way t* answer a fellow when introduced to
him, and later when parting he says he is
‘ very glad he has met you ’? Is it proper for
a young man to kiss a young lady the first
time he has met her? How can one find
out a fellow's love? I.”
Say “How do you do, Mr. Blank." A
simple “ thank you ” is the only response
necessary When he says he is glad to have
met you. It is decidedly improper for a
young lady to allow any such familiarity on
the part of a young man. A woman’s intui
tion is a pretty good guide in the matter of
whether a man loves her or not.
* *
• Had a Standing Dale.
“ Dear Miss Bibbe.v: I am engaged to a
young man whom I dearly love and have been
engaged to him for quite a while. He always
seemed to love and care for me and I have
never seen him with any other girl. Bast night
I ^Ind a standing date with him and I waited
till late for him, but he did not come. If 1
should meet him and he should ask to come
/ »
back to sec me do you think 1 should let him
come if he apologized, or do you think I should
not pay any more attention to him? L.”
Perhaps something detained the young man
and he was unnlile to get word to yon in time.
I think you would better wait and see wh.lt
lm has to say about it. If lie has a reasonable
apology to offer you accept it. However, if he
doesn't apologize ignore the incident entirely,
but do not give him another opportunity to
disappoint you.
# *
He h a Camblcr.
“ Hear Miss Libbey: Will you please help
me? First, I am going to tell you I have
no mother or father but am living with an
aunt and uncle. They are a mother and
father to me, they are so kind. Now, 1 have
been going with a young liiun about two
years. He is 21 years, I am 22; mid lie
comes three times a week to call on me. My
aunt and uncle found no fault in him, hut I
was told he gambles, so I asked him about it,
and lie said he did hut would not do so again.
I beard it the second time, nnd spoke to
him about it. and lie promised never to do
it again, only In break liis pjiomise liy doing
it the third time. I told him if it happened
the third time I would have to give him up.
so my aunt and uncle made me give him
up, and I did it to please them, as they
Know nest. iliey snu^ tney qui not want
me to marry a fellow with such habits as
gambling,*ns I am a good, decent, respe tful
girl. Now, how can I avoid him? lie is al
ways calling me up. As he known lie .can
not come to the house, he wants me to meet
him outside. If my people knew it they
would do something to him. i’lease tell me
what to do. Hazbi.."
You showed remarkably good sense in giv
ing the fellow up. To be the wife of a gam
bler is a frightfully unfortunate choice for
n girl to make. Gambling seems to be al
most as incurable a vice ns drink. Don’t he
at home when he calls up. Tell your people
not to call you to the telephone. If he won’t
reform for you before marriage, make up
your mind that he never will after marriage.
* fs
Wants to Cel Acquainted.
"Dear Miss Libbey: Inclosed firfd the clip
ping from today's paper. I am practically a
lone girl of 23. My mother is In heaven and
my brothers are scattered to the four winds.
1 am a working girl, have a good respectable
position as clerk, ain a good Christian girl,
and would love to meet a good man like this
one, nsithe majority I meet I do not care for.
I like good men. Is there sonic way by which
I might form this man's acquaintance—that is,
if he would care to meet me? I am about
.1 ieet -* inches tali, nverage weight ll.i, brown
hair and eyes, considered good looking, and
am neat about my person and surrounding*
and am a home loving girl., If you can aid me
in beupming acquainted with him l shall be
grateful. B."
1 suggest that you write to the Kev. J. 11.
•Melianu, pastor of Trinity Episcopal church.
Twenty-sixth street and Michigan avenue, in
regard to joining the Tuesday Eveuing club.
This is an organization founded for the spp-*
cial purpose of providing desirable acquaint
ances for lonely young people like yourself.
The club meets every Tuesday evening and
pleasant times are had among the members.
I know of no better way for a lonely person in
the city to make acquaintances.
# #
Regarding Broken Engagement.
" Dear Miss Ltbbey: I w ish some counsel
in regard to a broken engagement. Both the
principals are in prominent official positions,
so that the facts would be recognized were
they printed in the paper. Will you pleas- j
tell me whether or uot you will send a word of
advice privately shouhl you be made acquaint
ed with the facts?
If you will inclose a stamped envelope ror
reply I shall be only too happy to write to you
under persona) cover. The correspondence will
be treated entirely confidential.

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