The Birmingham age-herald. [volume], October 17, 1913, Page 4, Image 4

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THE AGE-HERALD
l.. w. BARRETT.
’^Entered at the Birmingham. Ala.,
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act of Congress March 2. laid.
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THE AGE-1 IKRAldt,
Birmingham, Ala.
Washington bureau, 207 Ilibbs build
European bureau, 0 Henrietta street.
Covent Gtw'den, London.
Eastern business office. Rooms 4S to
50, inclusive. Tribune building, New
York city; Western business office.
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Beckwith Special Agency, agents for
eign advertising.
TFd.EPIlO'E,
Bell I private rxehauge connecting nil
departments I, Mala 41*00.
A dagger of Ihe mind; a fulae erentloii.
Proceeding from Hie lient-oppresneil
lira tu. ’—Macbeth.
Looking for the Banshee
A. Barton Hepburn of the Chase
National bank of New York was chair
man of the bankers’ committee which
reported resolutions declaring that the
President i*nd Congress of the United
.States comprise a pack of socialists.
At a meeting of the national confer
ence on currency reform in New York
Tuesday, Mr. Hepburn spoke of the
Glass-Owen bill as “born in a caucus
and cradled in politics since its incep
tion.”
Further along in his speech, Mr.
Hepburn said he was not especially
fearful of political control of the coun
try’s banking as a result of the pas
sage of the currency bill in its present
.form, nor was he especially fearful of
incompetent control. “But,” he de
clared, “business men, bankers and
the public may be pardoned for hav
ing. sgme misgivings whether politics
may .not have some part in its man
agement.”
They will be pardoned, all right, but
the people would be glad to be in
formed by Mr. Hepburn as to the rea
sons for those misgivings. He him
self says they do not rise from fears
of political or incompetent control of
the country’s banking. Where is the
frightful boogerbear that keeps Mr.
Hepburn awake o’ nights?
The business men of the country,
about whom Mr. Hepburn is so solici
tous, do not seem to participate in his
apprehensions. The following is an
Associated Press dispatch:
Detroit, Mich.. October 14.—'the con
stituent membership of the Chamber of
Commerce of the United States of
America, including local cliambets of
commerce, boards of trade, commercial
dubs and national trade organizations
In all parts of the country, lias ap
proved by referendum vote the report
of its banking and currency commit
tee on the pending Owen-Class cur
rency bill.
The board of directors of the cham
ber, in session here, completed Ihe can
vass of the ballots today and found the
sentiment of tire business men's organ
ization strongly in favor of the report
of tlie committee, tho vote being 303
for and 17 against.
The report of the committee, which
was made the basis of the referendum,
stated.
“It regards the measure as a piece of
constructive legislation and believes
that it embodies, in a large degree, ele
ments necessary to provide the nation
•with a safe currency and banking sys
tem."
Seven recommendations for improve
ment of the measure were submitted
for separate vote. All wile approved
by large majorities.
The recent meeting of bankers from
all over the United States which was
held in Boston dealt with the currency
question openly and candidly. The
delegates declared above board that
they did not believe the government
should have any hand in currency mat
ters, but that they should be left
solely with the bankers. It is prob
able that this is really the view of
Mr. Hepburn, although he did not go
so far as to say so in his New York
address.
The County Fairs
Many of the counties of Alabama
have held fairs this fall andfothers are
yet to be held. These fairs are de
serving of the warm support of the i
people. They are of benefit in divers
ways. \
The south, and Alabama especially,
in the last few years has experienced
an agricultural awakening. The state
and national governments have co
operated with the farmer to increase
the yield of the land, and valuable les
sons of crop rotation and soil rejuve
nation have been learned. The boys
of Alabama are now showing the
country the way in corn production,
and the added wealth that the appli
cation of scientific principles to agri
culture will bring in time is simply
incalculable.
James Wilson held a Cabinet port
folio longer than any other man in
American history, and it is probable
that he accomplished more real good
for the country than any other. He
was an Iowa republican, but in mak
ing tha department of agriculture
beneficial to all the people he knew no
section. He sympathized thoroughly
with the southern farmer’s attempts
to increase the yield of his acres, and
gave every assistance in his power.
We are now in a position to see the
great good which has been accom
plished. The county fairs .afford op
portunity to view actual results.
There the farmer who has not pro
gressed is enabled to learn how his
neighbor has profited by instruction.
The products of Alabama's soil are
such as would be the cause of pride to
any people. They are on exhibition at
the county fairs, and, of course, at the
big State Fair in Birmingham.
Talk of Extra Session
Should Governor O’Neal decide to
call an extra session of the legislature,
it is to be hoped that he will specify
the abolition of the fee system in Jef
ferson county as one of the subjects
to be considered. This is a reform in
!
which everybody is interested, and the
demand for it is practically unani
mous. Should a law he passed at an
extra session it could be made to ap
ply to those who will be put in office
following ^ie next regular election.
Governor O’Neal up to this time has
shown little inclination to assemble
the lawmakers. It has become ap
parent, however, that unless the leg
islature grants to the executive the
power of appointing a United States
senator to succeed the late Joseph F.
Johnston or orders an election to fill
that vacancy, Alabama will have only
one representative in the upjjer branch
of Congress until March 3, 1915.
The members from Jefferson coun
ty should be prepared to take advan
tage of the situation regarding the
fee system should the legislature be
convened. Adequate compensation,
based upon the work they actually
perform, should be given employes of
the county. The salaries should be
made attractive enough to obtain the
services of good men-. This could be
done and at the same time effect a
large saving to the county treasury.
Another interesting matter that
would come up for settlement in an
extra session would be the reappor
tionment of the congressional districts
of the state. We have nine districts
now with 10 representatives in the
House—one being a representative at
large. • The new apportionment will
be on a population basis of 212,000,
as counted in the last census. Jef
ferson county will become a district
by itself, the population of the county
in 1910 being 226,000.
The Cardiff Disaster
The tragedy in the Universal col
liery, near Cardiff, Wales, is fully as
frightful as the early reports indi
cated; The death list will be above
400. Fire broke out following the ter
rific explosion, and attempts to rescue
the entombed men had to be aban
doned.
Science has toiled to devise some
means whereby mine disasters may be
rendered impossible, but so far all ef
forts have resulted in failure. The
holocausts continue to occur despite all
precautions. Some day some sure
method by which warning will be giv
en of accumulating gases may be in
vented.
The Mulga mine in the Birmingham
district was regarded as a model.
Every modern device was employed,
and no pains spared to make the work
ings safe, but Mulga also had its
catastrophe and its death list. It is
easy enough to cry carelessness and
stupidity, but often such charges
have no foundation.
The Lyceum Course
The Birmingham Lyceum lecture
course for the# season of 1913-14 be
gins in the High School auditorium
Friday night, November 7, with
United States Senator Robert M. La
Follette as the attraction. There will
be in all 10 lectures, the last being on
April 25.
The lyceum entertainments have
been educational and as a rule delight
ful. The course was started eight
years ago and it is safe to say that
no one who ever bought a season
ticket felt other than well repaid. The
price of a ticket is only $2. It is un
derstood that only a few tickets for
1913-14 remain unsold.
"Facilia decensus, ’’ says a Lout,- re
viewer in discussing the latest novel b>
till author of a funner ’’best seller’’
"hieli means Unit lie 1ms Ut (in tobog
gan.
Kx-Senator Aldrich says the pending
currency, measure Is "unsound, socialistic
and revolutionary.'’ ]a-t it be hoped that
there is nothing else the matter with it.
The wireless operator of the Vnlturno
having had Ids picture published in a
majority of tin- newspapers, the tragedy
iray now he looked vj.-on as voj.eluded.
A New York woman wants a divorce
from her husband because he is not gay
enough. Probably hasn't seen him "in
action" tvlieu she isn't along.
The fact that Woodrow Wilson has been
made honorary member of an antiquarian
Society doesn't indicate that lie is not
right up to tlie minute. *
Turkey seems to have u grievance
against the Standard Oil company. • We
suggest a card index sys cni for keeping
tab on her troubles.
In Sulzer’s euse the expected has hap
pened. The evidence against the governor
of New York whs too strong to be offset
by legal technicalities. Just before the
Impeachment proceedings were started the
New York World advised Governor Sul
zor to resign, ft pointed out that by re
signing he would prevent a great scandal
on the state of New York; that in private
life he might live down the graft charges
against him, but that if lie allowed him
self to he deposed he never could regain
his former standing. Sulzer’s friends
doubtless wish now' that the governor
had taken The World’s advice.
Why should the justices of the Mexican
supreme court resign? It Is true that
they will have nothing to do as long a3
Huerta continues his dictatorship, but it
seems unusual for a man to separate him
self from his salary source merely be
cause lie doesn't think he is earning the
money.
Making “red pepper” out of sawdust
and red ink is going just 1 trifle too far.
By the way, how is tabasco sabce made?
A Cleveland man ga"e an exhibition of
the tango" before a judge. His honor
thought it a pretty fair show.
Mrs. Pankhurst? Sure. Walk right in!
'Phis country isn't afraid of anything that
• -
ever wore petticoats.
To be a coal miner in Wales seems 10
times more hazardous than being a bird
man anywhere else.
Sambo needs no assistanoe from either
the government or Wall street in moving
the chicken crop.
Yes, you'll just have to go to the State
Fair today. The children must be takon
by somebody.
All of Mr. Hobson's mud seems to have
back-fired.
There would be no general kick if this
State Fair weather continued for a while
longer. \
ALABAMA LAND CONGRESS
From the Louisville Courier-Journal.
Tiie Alabama State Land congress is to
hold Its second annual meeting in Bir
mingham November 4, 5 and 6. Among
those who will take part In the meeting
arc many speakers of national promi
nence.
The official programme, which has just
been issued covers discussions by expert
authorities on soils, crops, rural condi
tions and agricultural resources of the
state. The heads of all the railroads op
erating in Alabama are expected to be in
attendance. Among those who aro on
the programme are W. W. Finley, presi
dent of the Southern railway; Charles A.
Wiekersliarn, president of the Atlanta &
West Point and Western Railway of Ala
bama; T. M. Emerson, president of the
Atlantic Coast Line; W. J. Harahan, pres
ident of the Seaboard Air Line; Milton H.
Smith, president of the Louisville and
Nashville, and C. If. Markham, president
of the Illinois Central railroad.
A noteworthy feature of the convention
will be an address by Oscar Underwood
on the subject, “The High Cost of Living
and the Remedy.” Reports by state and
govrnment experts on boys’ corn clubs
and girls’ canning clubs will be made,
while discussions of every phase of prac
tical agriculture will be handled by pro
gressive farmers from every section of
the state.
-ne Alabama Land congress has sev
eral objects. One of these is to devise a
practical plan for advertising the state
and securing immigration In order that
idle lands may bo made productive. The
Land congress also desires to Induce the
farmers to adopt improved methods of
cultivation, and to efreate a spjirit of co
operation between the farmers and the
business men of the cities and towns. The
general Improvement of roads and rural
conditions is to receive attention.
The people of Alabama arc to be con
gratulated on having an organization of
this kind. If the land congress receives
proper support it will be able to accom
plish a great deal for the advancement
of the state.
“WHITE SLAVE” HYSTERIA
From the New York World.
May the hope be indulged that the
"white slave" hysteria from which the
country has been suffering has now run
its course and is about to give way to
less confused thinking on the subject of
voluntary prostitution?
Thanks to the sensational exploitation
of the matter by magazine waiters, legis
lative investigation committees and re
form organizations, the country has been
given a wholly distorted view of social
vice. It has been led to confused condi
tions totally different, and made to be
lieve that American cities are full of
houses of bondage in which women are
imprisoned and trafficked in and sold as
if they were chattels. Congress has been
moved to action and the long arm of tlie
federal power employed to deal wdch
cases of immoral relations belonging'10
the police courts.
Unfortunately for the facts on which to
base tills belief of female slavery, the agi
tation has developed nothing more impor
tant than tiie conviction of a negro pu
gilist and two California citizens charged
with enticing young women to another
state. There has been no wholesale set
ting free of w'omen from a bondage worse
than death for the excellent reason that
very few women have been found in that
kind of bondage.
It is time for a return to reason in dis
criminating between prostitution and
"white slavery." As the Springfield Re
publican says, the latter term is mislead
ing in its original sense, and as now pop
ularly employed involves a "grotesque
misuse of language."
POINTED PARAGRAPHS
From the Chicago News.
How easy for a weak man to break a
promise.
fine way to make .1 sur.» tiling doubtful
is to bet on it.
The best cantaloupe Is as hard to select
as the best autoniobi'e.
On a windy day a modest woman never
has much business « 1 tn»? streets.
Don’t you feel sorry f.-r people who are
so perverse as not to like you?
Occasionally a commercial drunim r
i prevents ills modesty from ciowding to
j the front.
A man has trouble and goes to a woman
for sympathy he is lucky if lie doesn’t ac
quire more.
A few feminine tears or a shower of
rain doesn’t amount to much, but how a
man does hate a Hood!
Perhaps he Is just that, Alonzo, but we
wouldn’t advise you to call the manager
of a swimming school a dive keeper.
We are not surprised that a man sets
nervous at ids own wedding. 1« is prob
abl> the first time he ever saw all He
brides kin lined up.
IN HOTEL LOBBIES
\ drying Steel Product*
“The people of Birmingham cannot bo
too grateful to tlie Steel corporation for
completing its big wire mill at Fairfield
this year,” said a member of the Chamber
of Commerce. “Very naturally tlie cor
poration would have preferred to wait
until the government dissolution suit was
decided; but Chairman K. H. Gary, after
mature consideration, agreed that it would
be all right to go ahead with this work.
“Wire will be rolled at the new mill
within the next few weeks. T am no! in
touch with tiie officials of the Steel cor
poration, yet knowing that there is little
or no new rail business at this time, but
for the prospect of the early operation
of the wire mill the steel plant would
he shut down; which eventuality would
have been most depressing on the entire
community. The wire mill, therefore,
gives a practical demonstration of the
importance of varying our large steel op
erations in the finished product line.”
Tide of Homicide*
Charles Zuehlin in an article under the
bead of editorials in the Survey of Oc
tober, says in part:
"The unfortunate death of New York's
eccentric mayor and tlie latest escapade
of its chief degenerate raise anew two
pressing questions: First, what can be
done to stem the tide of assassination,
murder, homicide and suicide in the Uni
ted States? Second, how much of an
extenuating circumstance is insanity?
“With regard to the first question, one
of the important means of protecting so
ciety not yet seriously and effectively
dealt with in America is the regulation
of the possession and carrying of deadly
weapons. New York city, Alabama and
some other conspicuously lawless sections
of tlie country have made futile attempts
at control. All tlie states have antiquated
regulations regarding the carrying of con
cealed weapons. When it is considered
that there are K) times as many homicides
in tlie United States an in Canada, and
more people are probably killed every
year because of mishandling the weapons
which they have to defend themselves
with than are actually killed in self-de
fense. it is evident that local regulation
is not only inadequate but an encourage
ment to crime and accident. The logical
solution of this grievous difficulty is the
federal licensing and registration of weap
ons. The internal revenue is the most
effective regulative force in the United
States. By similar methods it would be
possible to have every weapon numbered
and^narked, to register every owner and
hold him responsible for its use.
"The second question Is much more
fundamental but equally immediate. Why
iw insanity considered a reason for with
holding punishment for crimes of vio
lence? What is insanity? What is guilt?
Who are Insane? Who are guilty?”
A Now York \ isitor
"This is my first visit to Birming
ham and I am much pleaserd with the
city’’ said Paul M. Kempf, tin* man
aging 'editor of Musical America. "I
' knew Birmingham was a city of near
ly 200,000 population, but it is more
handsomely built up than 1 had im
agined. The building operations here
at the present time seem to be on a
very large scale.
"There has been a. wonderful ad
vance in musical interest in this
country during the past few years. No
city is too small to afford a number
of musical artists in recital. One does
not have to fee very old to remember
when only two or three cities in this
country had symphony orchestras. Now
nearly every city of 300,000 or 400.000
population keeps up a high-class or
chestra. Cities of the smaller size
that arc without sufficient orchestral
material to form a large symphony
organization should endeavor to bring
i t.wo or more of the established or
chestras for at least one concert each
! during the winter season. Orchestras,
las we all know, are expensive luxuries;
I but they are very educative, and the
day will soon come when Birmingham
! will be able to support a local orches
j tra."
Colonel Forsyth Here
Lieut. Col. William W. Forsyth, First
I cavalry, U. S. A., whose post is at Yose
j mite, Cal., is the guest of his brother,
A. R. Forsyth. He is me*eting many Bir
mingham citizens and is being cordially
greeted by them.
There are 178 lieutenant colonels in
i the United States army, including line
land staff, and Colonel Forsyth is near
the bottom; but he is still a youngish
man, and the retirements of the offi
cers higher up occur rapidly. Colonel
Forsyth stands a good chance of being
full colonel within the next few years;
and once a colonel he Is almost sure to
become a brigadier general, and ftnal
ly major general.
Jasper's Hotel
“Jasper's new liotel—The Cranford—
is modern in every respect," said Rob
ert D. Curry of Birmingham.
“Few of the large cities of the south
have a hotel equal to the Cranford.
In cities of 5000 or under the traveler
should be satisfied with a plain hotel
that is kept clean, but Jasper has real
ly ap elegant hostelry. The sanitary j
arrangements are perfect. The hotel
is seruf>uously clean ami the table fare
would do credit to the best hotel in any
great city.”
RAILROAD PROBLEMS
The Annalist’s interview' with the (
new president of the New Haven rail
way, Mr. Howard Elliott, is of a sort to
make the shareholders and employes
and customers of that company rejoice
at his selection, and also even to cause
wider regret that the spirit which he;
manifests is not directing the solution
of a larger problem, that of all the rail
ways. Mr. Klliott introduced himself to
the public in an autobiography of 75
words that was a masterpiece of omis
sion rather than expression. His sum
mary of the railway problem as it is
now presented to the United States as
well as to the New Haven railway is no
longer,, and epitomizes a difficult sub
ject in a manner only possible to those
who think deep and hard and long. It,
reads simply, and yet nobody has said the
same thing so well;
You cannot have better transportation
at lower rates, higher >vages and higher
taxes, and procure at the same time the
huge quantities of additional capital nec
essary to provide increased faculties.
There are but two ways to get money for
improvements. One way is to earn it,
and the other is to borrow' it, and un
less a railroad earns money it cat.not
borrow, says the New York Times.
Railways cannot be provided by edict,
either of Congress or of the interstate
commission. They must be pala for, and
they cannot be paid for otherwise than
as Mr. Klliott says. Mr. Klliott was
speaking altogether noncontentiously and
without thought of the commission. And
yet the thought which lie expresses an*
tagonizes the policy that has hitherto
fodnd expression in the regulation of
railways. That policy has been ani
mated mainly by the demand for the re
duction of rnt.es, as though there could
be no shortage of supply of railway ac
commodations. But the provision of ac
commodations really is the larger prob
lem and the more important. The differ
ence between the existing rate and any
other rate, reasonably higher or lower,
is not enough to make any important
difference to any substantial enterprise,
or any ultimate consumer, and is negli
gible by nearly all. But the check to
such as preceded the panic of 1907 is a
calamity from which no business can es
cape. By heroic efforts the railways
broke that blockade and so expanded
their facilities that no similar volume of
traffic can congest them now. But the
country's business will never again
shrink to that volume which could not. bo
carried in 1906. Already there is need
for enlargement, as Mr. Elliott so well
indicates in his remarks upon the un
finished condition of our railway system.
And railway construction is at its lowest
ebb for a dozen* years.
This is the result of excessive atten
tion to reduction of rates as the supreme
object of regulation. The policy of reg
ulatjon is to redtree rates to the lowest
level which the law will allow this side
of coniiscation. The policy Is to allow
only such rates as shall pay for the serv
ice, without allowance for the betterment
of facilities. For additions there must he
fresh capital. And fresh capital cannot
he got if the railways are starved down
to the legal limit. The country must pay
or go without. The railways will not be
the chief sufferers by the policy of star
vation.
I'NUEltNvOOD'S record
Prom the Washington Post.
If Oscar $V. Underwood is now, or has
ever been, the tool of Wall street, he ha*
managed to conceal the fact so success
fully that neither his friend?, h’s . asso
ciates in Congress, the President of the
United States, nor Wall street itself has
ever suspected the fact.
Out of the haze of the battle on the
floor of the House, launched apparently
for no other purpose than to make politi
cal capital against Mr. Underwood in the
Alabama senatorial light, one question
stands forth boldly. W hat is “a tool of
Wall street?” Is a tool of Wall street
one who writes a tariff bill that cuts to
the heart the duty on steel, which is sup
posed to he Wall street's pet investment?
Is it? one who helps to push through a I
currency bill that arouses the ire ot' tlte
Wall street bankers? Is it one who keeps
intact a democratic majority which lias
been cracking W all street on the head for
the past two or three years?
With all the tools that Wall street Is
supposed to have, little headway is made
in W ashington. To have one of its tools
in complete command of the majority of
the House ought to put Wall street in
high good humor, but instead we find it
in tlie doldrums. Stocks have been sag
ging and investments have been lagging.
If Mr. Underwood is the tool of Wall
street, he is all edge and no handle.
There is entirely too much buncombe
in this attack on Mr. Underwood. The
democratic party, almost from top to bot
tom, knows what it owes to his remark
able leadership. There is scarcely a man
in the House, either on the democratic or
the republican side, who will not say that
his record is without a single blot so far
as honesty of purpose and mor^l integrity
are concerned.
lias it become a virtue to throw legiti
mate campaign contributions into the
teeth of the contributor? Mr. Underwood
is his own man, as the member# of Con
gress and the people of the country can
well judge from his long record in the
open. He has conducted himself with
dignity under this unjust attack, and the
best answer to it Is the ovation given him
at the close of his spirited and compre
hensive reply. He has served his state
and his country ably in the House, and
there is even a wider field of usefulness
tor him in the Senate.
.. ■ . ' • ■ • ' : ■ mB
DARK AGES IN PRISONS
From tiie New York Sun. p
Governor O’Neal of Alabama has can
celled the contract under which convicts
were rented to a naval stores company
as laborers, on evidence showing1 that the
workers were treated in the most brutal
manner. The scandal is of the kind in
separable from the leasing system, and
the governor declares that:
"Alabama is not ready to return to the
Dark Ages."
The unhappy fact Is that in the treat
ment of prisoners Alabama and all other
states are precluded from "returning to
the Dark Ages.” New York has Just been
shamed by the revelation of conditions
shocking to decency, and lls people know
the half has not been told. They know
also that with a few exceptions their pris
ons are not worse than those of other
states, and that their disgrace Is shared
by practically all the citizens of the coun
try.
"Return to the bark Ages?” AVe have
scarcely begun to acknowledge that our
penal Institutions are still In them.
NOSH BLOWING DRILLS
From The Survey.
A few years of school dental clinics
have made "toothbrush drills" a familiar
idea in many cities. It took the To
ronto public nurses, or ratlier their su
pervisor, Lina L. Rogers, to originate
another drill quite as unique and impor
tant Since last October the school chil
dren of Toronto, In squads of 20, have
practiced dally "nose blowing drills” and
the effect on the freshness of the at
mosphere of the schoolrooms lias been so
noticeable that the teachers alive become
assiduous in seeing to it that no child
comes to school unprovided with a pocket
■handkerchief. They often, indeed, them
selves order the drills without waiting
for tlie coming of the liurse. The effect
of the drill is perceptible already on indi
vidual children, in cases of catarrh, and
the doctors predict that it will have an
appreciable effect in time in lessening
adenoids and other throat and nose af
fections.
I NDKHWOOD’S W'ELCOAIE
From the Troy Messenger.
Mr. Underwood Is assured of a ru.. al
welcome when he rcturno to his home
city of Birmingham. It is but Just, fit
has done hard servic >, and is one of
America’s most prominent citizens and
herd working Soloris today. He lias hon
ored Birmingham in his great wort re
cently. Birmingham cannot extend to
him greater honors than are due
CORRECT
From the Louisville Courier-Journal.
"AA’allaco expresses his confidence in the
intelligence of the people of Alabama,"
says a headline in the Birmingham Age
Herald. The inference is that AA'allacei
aspires to elective office. I
ADRIFT WITH THE TIMES
FANCY.
A poet bang of lovely scenes
l lint plea'so a dreamer’s eye: *
Of rural landscapes free from smoke,
A blue an 1 cloudless sky;
The bro^k that purled o'er mossy stones,
The murmur of the trees
And many a nodding flower cup
Swayed by the passing breeze.
He roamed the meadows daisy-starred
And heard the feathered throng
That, light of heart, in woodland glades
Did warble all day long.
By Nature's beauty stood enthralled
And breathed her sweet perfume.
All this he did, as poets may,
Shut in a hall bedroom.
hirb;d for the occasion.
"Business seems lively at this booth.
What’s the attraction?"
"Milk is being served by a musical
comedy dairymaid."
A BITTER EXPERIENCE.
"Do you believe in telepathy, Mr. Plum
ly?"
"No, Miss Gadders. I have discovered
that no matter how many thought waves
a fellow sends a young woman, unless
lie happens to own an automobile they are
shattered on the cold shoulder of indif
ference."
they quote him so MUCH.
"It was Mark Twain who suggested a
monument to Adam."
"Yes."
"It seems to me that the newspaper
humorists ought to dp something for the
Man from Mars."
UP ALL NIGHT.
A wayward youth is Abner Green,
Who burns up lots of gasoline
And never seems to strike his gait
Until the hour’s very late.
A FREQUENT ERROR.
“Broke again?”
“Yes.” ■*
“I thought you were on the road to
riches.”
“1 was, hut I tried to take a short cut.’*
THE SAME THING.
“Did you say Miss FJimmers was a
flirt?”
“Well, not in so many words. I said
Miss Flimmers'was pretty and decidedly
a girl.”
A, NATURAL INFERENCE.
“Johnny, did the whale swallow Jonah?”
“Yes, ma'am.”
“What makes you think so, Johnny?”
“That’s the only way the whale could
have carried him, ma’am.”
\
JUST speculating.
“This dancer says she believes in art
for art’s sake.”
“She does, eh? I wonder how long
she would retain her enthusiasm if her
salary of $1000 a week were cut in half.”
TAKING NO CHANCES.
“Blobbs is a mean man.”
“A mean man, you say?”
“Yes. Before banding the morning
paper to his wife he always tears out the,
page advertisement of Skinnim & Slash.”
REALISM.
“It's shocking the way the members of
the chorus are hugging and kissing each
other while the principals are trying to
carry out the plot of the piece.”
“Tut, tut, man. The scenes of tills
operetta are laid in Paris. What you see
is merely ‘local color.’ ”
PAUL COOK.
GEORGEANNAIS SMOCKED
From Charles Truitt's story in Every
body’s Magazine, "Georgeanna Banana."
Georgeanna banana, to the lanna go
fanna;
Tee-legged, Tie-legged, Bow-legged
Georgeanna!
MISS CASEY, aged 12, halted her
mincing steps and turned to face
her giggling tormentors.
"Gee! youse kids is common!" she
said. She slowly adjusted the stringy
white feather boa about her neck, looked
with hauteur upon her followers, and
added witheringly:
"Canals!"
She raised her pink parasol with ex
aggerated elegance and resumed her
walk. Not a word came from the per
plexed young women behind her.
"I guess that'll hold them wimmmen
for a while," she said to herself.
The marquise looked with scorn upon
the taunting mob of sans culottes.
"Canaille! 1 fear yet not’* said she.
Georgeanna crossed Sixth avenue at
Carmine street, and strolled toward
Washington square. She seated herself
stiffly upon a bench near the arch, and
lowered her parasol.
Every morning the lovely young mar
quise sat for an hour in the gardens of
the Luxembourg.
"How beautiful this morning are the
fragrant gardens!” murmured Miss Casey,
addressing the arch. She looked carefully
to light and to left, thrust her hand
quickly into her right stocking just above
the shoelace that served as a garter, and
drew' forth a knotted handkerchief.
"Five, 10, 50. 92 cents," she counted.
"I will hail a faker!"
The fat policeman in the middle of the
street grinned at the funny little girl who
stood on the curb, and wit’r* mock gal
lantry bowed and offered his arm.
"Permit me, madam,” said he. "to guide
you through this maze of traffic!”
Georgeanna gravely laid finger tips on
Ills sleeve, and, the other hand tightly
clutching the parasol and holding her
skirt raised from an Imaginary contact
with t lie street, she permitted herself
to be led to the Fifth avenue corner.
“AJorci, mere!, messeer,” she thanked
him with dignity.
“Whatever that is!” smiled the police
man. “Looks Irish,” he added to himself,
“but I guess she must be a Glnney!”
“Don’t take any had money, sis!” he
called to her from his post in the street,
but she answered him not.
She waved the pink parasol at the
chauffeur of the ’bus, and declined the
assisting hand of the conductor.
“To the Loove—I mean the museum,”
she said, as she gave him a dime.
The marquise hailed a Havre, and set
tling herself luxuriously among the cush
ions, commanded the voucher to’drive her
to the Louvre.
Sundry women of fashion driving down
Fifth avenue that moriting in .lime won
dered who could have been the little girl
with the big blue eyes who smiled and
bowed to them so ceremoniously from
tlie top of a motor ’bus,’ and a portly old
gentleman told with glee at bis club how
a queer kill with a string of scarecrow
feathers around her neck had waved a
pink parasol at him and called out some
thing which sounded like “Donjour,
prime!” as he was walking down the
avenue.
Miss Casey surrendered her parasol with
great reluctance at the door of the Metro
politan museum, and with critical air ad
vanced upon the Rodin collection. The
first thing that she saw was the statue of
Adam, heroic in size, and nude. Her
acquaintance with sculpture had been con
fined to thf ecclesiastical variety. “Ex
cuse me, sir,” she said, and ran back to
collect her parasol.
“Me mother’d beat the life out of me!"
gasped the marquise—pardon, Miss C&sey
—as she hurriedly left the museum.
Ll’KB M'UKH SAYS
From the Cincinnati Enquire.
Mighty few people In the world live up
to their press notices.
The Woman's World says: “A perfectly
stockinged leg has a hardness that does
not please the eye.'1 In behalf of tlie
mefl folks we want to state right here
that some jealous female with pipe stem
props wrote that knock.
The greatest catastrophe since the fa
mous flood is about to overwhelm Johns
town. Billy Sunday Is to spend a week
in that town.
Lots of men who talk basso profundo
ill a saloon are tenors when they are at
home.
A woman In a union suit can look an
handsome as tiie cuts In the advertise
ments. But a man can't.
Cheer up. You may think you are get
ting the worst of it, hut it might he
worse. A hairless dog is an ugly looking i
brute, hut he hasn’t any fleas.
Consider the gas meter, it tolls not, j
but gee how it can spin!
Any healthy boy can wear out six pairs
of shoes while he is using one box of
shoe polish. *
Some husbands want their wives to tell
them all they know. And some of them
are lucky that they don't know all that
their wives know.
There is no chance for two talkers to
be good friends. That is why most
women hale other womeiw
There Is an age limit for everything
else. But a man can always make a fool
of himself.
Kvery dog used to have his day, but
the liquor laws have barred the growler
on Sunday.
Men get big salaries for knowing some
things. But it takes a woman to tell
an artificial blonde from a real one.
Before marriage'she will wash out two
postage stamp handkerchiefs and iron
them by pasting them on the mirror, and
she feels so overworked that mother has
to bring her supper to her bedside. After
marriage she can do a day's washing
and ironing, gel supper, clean up the
house, darn stockings and feel glad that
she isn't worked to dentil like some
women who have twice as many children
as she lias.
A Woman who can pretend she is sound
asleep when her husband wobbles home
at 3 a. m. never has any trouble getting
a new set of furs.
yiilS “PINKY'S"
Yesterday colonial outcasts, friends
"disowned” by their brethren, land pi
rates, Hessians, Tory refugees, revellers
from Joseph Bonaparte's court at Bor
dentown; today “morons’—tomorrow,
what?
Wild oats sown in the sliade of the
Jersey pin<^>, cut off from the world
and the sunlight, have sprouted travesties
of men and wynen—a colony of feeble
mindedness, dime, shiftlessness, illegiti
macy. Into it the training school at Vine
land lias sent workers with the Blnot
Sinion system of tests. Elizabeth ,S. Kite,
who wrotes of it in The Survey, tells a
tragic story of old Hannah Ann with her
11 children in a two-room shack; Becky,
age 23, with but the intelligence of a
child of S, unable to toll what she saw
in a picture or to discern the defects in
a face drawn without a mouth; Ford, 30
years old, in an inextricable matrimonial
tangle, with a tt-year limit of intelli
gence.
Perhaps the most tragically degenerate
of all Miss Kite's stories is that of the
notorious “Piney,” H5 years old, who was
found one day returning to his shack after
a long absence. Questioned as to whore
he had been, he said he had gotten “tired
o’ the gal he had been living with—too
giddy,” he said, shaking his head; “too
giddy for me, so I took her down shore
an* traded her;, Did petty well, too—got
this old boss and this here keg o’ rum.”
Such conditions are common, Miss Kite
says. To attempt to improve them the
Vineland sehooh the stute departments
of charities and corrections, forestry, ed
ucation and agriculture have combined in
a form of rural neighborhood work corre
sponding somewhat to the social settle
ments in cities.
THE BHOOKSIDE .
By Hi* hard Mon ck ton Mil nos.
I wandered by the brookside,
I wandered by the mill;
I could not hear the brook flow,
The noisy wheel was still;
There was no burr of grasshopper.
No chirp of any bird, *
But the beating o$ my own heart
Was all the sound I heard.
I sat beneath*the elm tree;
1 watched the long, long shade,
And as it grew still longer
I did not feel afraid;
For I listened for a footfall,
1 listened for a word,
But the breathing of my own heart
Was all the sound I heard.
/
He came not—no, he came not—
The night came on alone,
The little stars sat one by one,
Each on his golden throne; '
The evening wind passed %y my cheek
The leaves above ^qye stirred,
But the beating of my own heart
Was all the sound I heard.
Fast silent tears were flowing.
When something stood behind;
A hand was on my shouMerk
I know' its touch was kind;
It drew’ me nearer—nearer\
We did not speak one word,
But the beating of our own hearis
Wag all the sound we heard.