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The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, December 13, 1913, Image 4

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THE AGE-HERALD
E. \V. BARRETT.Editor
Entered At the Birmingham, Ala.,
postoffice as second class matter under
act of Congress Marcn 3, 1873.
Daily and Sunday Age-Herald.... $8.00
Daily and Sunday per month.70
3 Daily and Sunday, three months.. 2.00
Weekly Age-Herald, per annum... .50
Sunday Age-Herald. 2*00
A. J. Eaton, Jr., and O. E. Young are
the only authorized traveling repre
sentatives of The Age-Herald in its cii
culatlon department.
No communication will be published
without Its author’s name. Rejected
manuscript will not be returned unless
stamps are enclosed for that purpose.
Remittances can be made at current
rate of exchange. The Age-Herald wl
not be responsible for money sent
through the mails. Address,
THE AGE-HERALD.
Birmingham, Ala.
Washington bureau, 207 Hibbs build
ing
European bureau. 6 Henrietta street.
Covent Garden, London.
Eastern, business office, Rooms 48 to
60, inclusive, Tribune building, New
York city; Western business office,
Tribune building, Chicago. The 8. C.
Beckwith Special .Agency, agents for
ign advertising.
TELEPHONE
Bell (private nohMEe connectln* all
department*), Main (900.
How gnp* It now, Sir: till" newn,
Which la called trne. I* ao like an old
tale, thnt the verity of It la In atrouB
anaplclnn. —Winter'* Tale.
Chief of Army Staff
Maj. Gen. Leonard Wood, chief of
staff of the United States army, will
retire from that position next April,
as stated in The Age-Herald’s news
columns yesterday. An act of Con
gress adopted in 1903, reorganized the
army and created a general staff. It
provided that a general officer should
be detailed for four years as chief of
staff. The act further provided that
in time of war or other emergency the
President might retain the chief of
staff in that position longer than the
four-year term. The idea had gone
abroad that in view of the Mexican
situation the present chief of staff
would be retained for some time to
come, but the Secretary of War makes
it plain that no advantage will be
taken of the emergency clause.
At the expiration of General Wood’s
four years as chief he will be as
signed to a division command, and
Maj. Gen. James Franklin Bell, or
some other major general, will be ap
pointed chief for four years. As the
highest rank in the army is that of
major general, the chief of staff re
ceives no increase in salary, although
t
he has extra allowances which in ef
fect nA»ke his pay 20 or 30 per cent
more than that of major general.
General Wood owes his high posi
tion in the army to the personal
friendship of ex-President Roosevelt.
He is not a West Pointer, and had no
military education of any sort. He is
a native of New Hampshire. After
studying medicine he became a prac
ticing physician and in 1886 was ap
pointed assistant surgeon in the
United States army. It will be re
membered that he commanded a cav
alry regiment of United States volun
teers—the “Rough Riders”—in the
Spanish-American war, with Roose
vent as his lieutenant-colonel. General
Wood had been awarded the congres
sional medal of honor for distinguished
conduct in a campaign against
Apachee Indians in 1886, while serv
ing as medical and line officer of Cap
tain Lawson’s expedition. He was ap
pointed brigadier general of the
United States army in 1901, and ma
jor general in 1903. While he is recog
nized by all army officers as a man
of courage and executive capacity,
many disinterested observers have felt
that an injustice was done more thor
oughly trained line officers when
Roosevelt jumped Wood over them.
As General Wood is only 54 years of
age, he has ten years more to serve on
the active list. When he is 64 he will
retire on three-fourths pay—$6000 a
year.
Water Power Conservation
In the last century this country was
the scene of untold development and
commercial activity. As a result the
present generation has grown rich,
but much concern is felt in regard to
the nation’s natural resources of the
future, which it is claimed are being
rapidly dissipated by those who are
now reaping harvests at the expense
of posterity.
In some se'ctions development of
certain natural resources has become
■ynonimous with dissipation. It is
claimed that our vast forests will
soon be a thing of the past, and grave
concern is felt in regard to the proba
ble exhaustion of our mineral wealth;
especially that of coal, which it is
claimed will cease to exist in large
quantities within the next few hun
dred years, if some substitute is not
adopted for producing power. Our na
t tional and state governments have
taken cognizance of the possibility of
the threatened dissipation of natural
resources, a / have appointed com
missions foi /the purpose of consid
ering the best means of conservation,
and as this matter often claims the at
tention of the public and that of our
representatives, its nature should be
thoroughly understood.
There ie a distinct difference be
tween forest or mineral development
and that of water power; for while
every ton of mineral taken from the
ground and every stick of timber cut
means that much diminuition of our
future supply, this is far from true
with regard to power derived from
flowing water. For instance, it is es
timated that the rivers flowing
through the state of Alabama repre
sent a combined force equal to more
than 1,000,000-horse power, nearly
half the nation’s applied water power,
that even now could be harnessed for
the economic power needs of the state,
were the proper facilities at hand.
This great force steadily flowing to
ward the sea unused by man might be
compared to a mighty gusher of oil
unsubdued, the valuable commodity
seeping into the sand from which it
came; every gallon taken being that
much saved, while every horse power
applied is that much gained. Thus it
is seen that water power deevlopment
is power conservation, while water
power undeveloped is dissipated
power.
Underwood and Hobson
Congressman Hobson is spectacular
or nothing, and his “play” to the gal
lery in Washington Thursday was
what might have been expected. The
Anti-Saloon leaguers gathered at the
national capital this week, crowded
the House end of the capitol when
Hobson made one of his characteris
tic speeches, in which he attacked the
democratic leader, Mr. Underwood,
who is his opponent in the senatorial
race in Alabama.
Mr. Hobson naturally got the ap
plause of his gallery friends, but Mr.
Underwood in replying to his op
ponent’s personal remarks acquitted
himself with his usual dignity and re
ceived the applause of his fellow demo
crats on the floor of the House; and
his clean, straightforward and manly
course wins the approbation of all
good democrats in Alabama.
If Mr. Hobson thinks that his
methods of conducting a campaign
will increase his following he is very
much mistaken. There is no reason
why the senatorial contest should not
have been started and carried through
on a high plane. Mr. Underwood de
sired that it should be so, and he has
not deviated from his original purpose
in that respect, nor will he.
In previous years certain people
living outside of Alabama have in
truded and tried to carry elections, but
such interference proved a boomerang,
and it will ever be so. In this great
democratic state real democrats know
their minds and what is best for the
party, and they naturally resent out
side dictation—dictation from those
who are not in accord with democratic
principles.
Mr. Underwood in his wrell directed
work for the party and by his splen
did achievements in Congress has not
only won fame for himself but has
added new luster to the state. The
democrats of Alabama will give him
a decisive majority in the state pri
mary; but they should be satisfied
with nothing less than an overwhelm
ing victory.
The spectacular candidate may
amuse the public and rally fanatics,
but the democratic rank and file can
be counted upon to stand by the man
of poise and beneficent action—the
man who will remain forever loyal
to democracy and who will make an
ideal senator and continue to do
things. *
Hunting the Cancer Germ
Insects, fish and warm blooded an
imals act as carriers for the cancer
germ, and persons who consume snails
in large quantities are especially lia
ble to contract the dire disease, ac
cording to Dr. Bore, professor of
pathological anatomy at the college of
Montpelier, France, who has been
making extensive investigations. Dr.
Bore thinks he has made great prog
ress /toward the discovery of a serum
for the cure of cancer.
Perhaps hundreds of alleged cancel
cures have been put upon the market,
but none has really proved effective.
Dr. Bore must expect to encounter a
great deal of skepticism. At the samg
time it will not do to say that can
cer cannot be cured. All we know is
that up to this time no cure has been
discovered. With the scientists of all
nations constantly on the trail of the
cancer germ, however, it is not im
possible that its complete identifica
tion will be established, and then may
come methods to check its ravages.
A serum that will cure cancer has
been sought as assiduously as one that
will remedy tuberculosis. A little while
ago the newspapers and magazines
were filled with accounts of Dr.
Friedmann and his turtles. They have
gone into seclusion. Dr. Friedmann
endeavored to commercialize his al
i leged cui»j, and for this reason drew
I upon himself much servere criticism.
| So far Dr. Bore’s activities have been
I in the laboratory rather than in the
public prints.
Some exciting stories are told by sur
vivors of the Texas floods and if they arc
at times guilty of exaggeration, the fault
is pardonable.
The old gentleman who speaks of her
as his "darter” isn’t going to buy her a
tango set for a Christmas present.
w. S. Martin, 67 years old, a foundry
worker of Wilmington, Del., has re
sisted starvation for the last year by
taking liquid food, served to him
through a rubber tube inserted in the
abdominal walls of his stomach. He is
a patient in the American Stomach hos
pital in Philadelphia. He was starving;
when he went there, because a growth
at the entrance to the stomach pre
vented him swallowing, and blocked
the passage of all liquids as well as
solids. Except for the growth, Martin
is in a normal condition and is able to
take long walks. The malformation is
responding to treatment and slowly is
diminishing in size. For the last two
weeks lie has been able to swallow soft
food, but the nourishment he gets from
it is not sufficient to keep him alive.
The physician attending him says the
man will be entirely well in a few
months. The expedient of feeding Mar
tin through the tube was resorted to
after all other devices had failed. By
means of a delicate operation an. in
cision was made in the abdomen, and
the tube inserted. The mouth of the
tube reached the stomach, and tl>c
wound was permitted to heal around
the rubber channel.
In his annual report Surgeon General
C. F. Stokes of the United States navy
recommends the abolition of 7 re
quirement that all naval offict walk
at least ten miles each month. Dr.
Stokes believes that the "walk" order
works hardships in many cases and that
it Is "irksome to all concerned." He
favors more attention to physical ex
ercises on the part of all officers and a
substitution of healthful and pleasura
ble exercise for compulsory walks. Dr.
Stokes renews his criticism of the dam
aging effects of competitive athletics
which involve extreme physical strain.
He recommends the substitution of
khaki uniforms for white uniforms of
officers and men, a special study of
methods for determining the mental and
temperamental fitness of officers and
men, construction of hospital ships for
each fleet $nd reduction of the length of
tours of duty of ships in Central Amer
ican waters.
Capt. James X. Donaghy, chief of
police of Lower Merlon township, in
Pennsylvania, spoke of his experiences
in the police service at the Presbyterian
church. Incidentally he gave a ''police
man’s” view of present day social prob
lems. He championed the cause of chil
dren, and in that connection said that
the tendency at the present time seemed
to be to place the responsibility on the
"big brother” where child correction
was needed. He suggested that the
proper guidance of children be re
stricted to the home, and that the "big
father" and “big mother" take the place
of the "big brother." He criticised the
lurid "movies" and urged that religious
organizations do all in their power to
suppress them. The dance hall, he de
clared, was a proper medium for young
people to spend their surplus energy,
provided tho moral surroundings were
all right.
Among the low-grade specimens of
humanity who ought to be chloroformed
may be mentioned the man who borrows
your paper in the morning and keeps you
waiting while he leisurely consumes
breakfast along with the cream of the
day's news.
It is very wrong and very unchivalrous
to lay the blame for the shortage of eggs
on the hens. There may not be enough
hens, but we decline to believe that there
ir. a hen In the land who would willingly
neglect her duty.
---i
No matter how much some good peo
ple may desire to see nation-wide pro
hibition—no one now living will wit
ness anything of the sort, Mr. Hobson's
efforts to the contrary notwithstand
ing.
President Wilson calls his complaint a
(“savage" cold. AA'hen a man of Dr. Wil
son's scholastic training applies the ad
jective "savage" to a cold he probably
means it.
If Hobson were to defeat Underwood
for the United States Senate Alabama
would drop many points in public es
teem. But no such misfortune will be re
corded.
The "Heteh Hetchy grab" will continue
to be a sort of slogan for some people,
but so long as she has her water supply
assured, San Francisco isn't going to
w orry.
Judging from the shop window displays,
Santa Claus is going to provide a great
many fair damsels this Christmas with
elegant facilities for powdering their
noses.
Perhaps one reason why father isn't
excited about Christmas is because he
knows mother has already bought his
necktie.
Some people confuse “spug’’ with
"spud.” The ■“spug” is suposed to do,
while the “spud” is supposed to be done.
WIT IN A PINCH
From Lippincott’s.
A cadet officer in the Pennsylvania
Military college was reported by a faculty
officer for “Language”—rather a severe
mark in that austere institution. At the
time appointed for the hearing of “ex
planations” of marks, the offending cadet
presented himself before the commandant.
"Well, sir, how did it happen that you
were guilty of using improper language
while on duty?” the colonel inquired.
“Why, sir, as officer of the day I was
inspecting the guard. In bundling one
of the rifles the lock snapped shut on
my linger, and it just naturally pinched
‘hell’ out of me.”
Not only was the mark “taken off,” but
the colonel gleefully reported to the en
tire corps the cadet officer’s witty ex
planation of his offense.
1913 STATISTICS
From tlie St. Louis Republic.
“From all reports the accident list for
1913 is going to be something fearful.”
“It is that. And the limit hasn’t been
, reached yet. Just think of the numbers
of people still to be run over In Defemi
ner by the 1911 model automobiles.”
IN HOTEL LOBBIES
I ndfmood'i popularity
“Congressman Underwood, the demo
cratic leader, is about the most admired
statesman in this country today,’’ said
W. B. Jessup of Philadelphia.
“Of course, people in my part of the
country, and I believe throughout the
United States, expect hint to be elected
United States senator. Mr. Underwood
got well into the ‘spotlight’ when he was
spoken of for the presidential nomination,
but his wide and solid fame dates from
ids tactful and successful leadership in
the House of Representatives during the
extra session.
“I am not a regular democrat. I voted
democratic last year, but have frequently
voted the republican ticket. I think that
if the party continues to have such able
and clean statesmen in office at Wash
ington as it has today, many like myself
would become permanently attached to
the party. Certain it is that Mr. Under
wood is more generally admired today
than ever.”
Peculiar Shopping Experiences
“I have had some peculiar shopping
experiences this pro-Christmas season,"
said a well known man yesterday. “For
the first time in my life I heeded the
‘shop early’ slogan and tried it, but to
my amazement I met with much diffi
culty, because I found many stores that
had not yet placed their Christmas goods
on exhibition.
“I am through now*, but last week, and
the early part of this week, when I was
doing my Christmas shopping, I found
first that I could not buy the small half
and quarter sized boxes of good cigars
which are always put out for the Christ
mas trade. I like to give good cigars
for a Christmas present, but I give so
many that a whole box to each man
would break me and the smaller ones
do just as well. I was compelled to ask
four different days, however, before the
retail stores finally placed the small sifced
boxes in stock.
“I found the same situation In one or
twfo other articles and I think now that
a good part of the ‘shop early’ slogan
should he applied to the merchants as
well as the public.”
Good IliiMlnoMN Outlook
“The marked recession in the iron and
steel trade in November will be fol
lowed soon, I believe, by a decided re
vival of activity," said R. R. Hender
son of Chicago.
“I am not connected with the metals
trade, but I am a partner in a jobbing
business, and every branch of commerce
looks to the iron and steel industry, as
something of a barometer. Business con
ditions seem to be fundamentally all
right, and I think there Is every reason
to expect genuine prosperity in the new
year.
“A trip through the W'est recently
convinced me that conditions in that
section are good. All the people I met
talked optimistically.
“As for the south, it is unusually
prosperious. I am told that in every
small town in Alabama and Georgia, to
say nothing of other southern states,
the merchants are busier than they
have been in a long time. The southern
farmer seems to have struck high wa
ter mark this year. It is generally
thought in business circles in Chicago
that the interstate commerce commis
sion will grant the petition of the east
ern carriers to increase freight rates
5 per cent. I hope to sec this done. It
will give an impetus to business that
will be far-reaching for good, and will
certainly mean high-record prosperity
in the next year or two.”
The Traveling Men's Dinner
"I am glad to see that the traveling
men’s dinner will be given this year on
December iiO," said a member of the
Chamber of Commerce. “At that time
most of the salesmen will be in the city,
home for the holidays, and this will in
sure a larger attendance.
“The annual banquet given to the trav-:
i eling men of Birmingham by the Cham
ber of Commerce is, hi my opinion, one
of the best schemes yet devised for fos
tering the Birmingham boosting spirit
among the knights of the grip. The sales
men who travel out of this city are a
fine lot of men and they give to this city
a great amount of advertising.
“The Birmingham traveling men were
moving factors in the success of the mer
chants’ convention held last August un
der the auspices of the Chamber of Com
merce. They personally invited all the
north Alabama merchants to attend the
convention and this injection of the per- j
sonal equation into it contributed in no
small way to its success.
"The giving of a banquet every year
on a large scale to the traveling men is
perhaps the least the Chamber of Com-,
merce could do to show its appreciation
of these valuable factors in the city’s
make-up. They certainly deserve all the
commendation that they receive."
Talks About the Weather
“The mildness of the winter season
so fur is the subject of general com
ment and many express themselves as j
being highly pleased with the present]
delightful weather," said Sam T. Logan.
“The mild weather seems to be general,
for I received a letter from my sister,
who lives in New York state, in which
she said lli^t the boys were rowing on
the rivers up there, when at this time
last year they were skating on them.
1 am also informed that.there has been 1
an exceedingly mild winter in many of j
the European countries.
“It is freely predicted that we will
have much disagreeable weather yet, j
but for my part I am not worrying j
about that proposition, for it will be j
soon’ enough to cross the bridge when
we come to it. The present weather
suits me and I am enjoying it to the
fullest extent.”
The. Iron Market
“There is a great deal more cheerful
news in the iron market this week than
there was a fortnight ago." say Mat
thew Addy & Co., in their Cincinnati re
port.
“In the first place, real and actual busi
ness of magnitude has .been done. Not
only have many large orders been booked '
but an active inquiry has developed that I
promises well for the immediate future. I
The present buying is peculiar in that it j
has been done altogether by the big con
sumers.
‘The small pielters are still holding off
but it is very evident that many of the
heavy melters have come to the conclu
sion that they have waited long enough
and that present prices are inviting
enough lor them to go ahead and “<?ross
the Rubicon," so to speak. Because the
big buyers are in the market there have
been more orders calling for 1000 tons
than there have been orders calling for
carload lots, which is an extraordinary
and unusual state of affairs.
“A year ago at this time pig iron was
exactly $3 per ton above the price at!
which It is offering today. Prices have j
been squeezed down until there is not a,
melter of pig Iron in the United States
who is in a happy frame of mind. The
furnace companies are all of them unable
t£ produce iron at today s prices profit
ably. It wotild seem that if there ever
was a time when consumers would find
it profitable to buy pig iron, this is the
particular time, and because of the at
tractive prices a general buying of large
proportions is anticipated.”
CURB FOR DRINK
In the American Magazine, Henry Det
mers writes a little article entitled, “A
New Cure for Drink.” Mr. Detmers says
that he has been in th« saloon business for
20 years. He is not a drinker himself
and none of his sons drink. Out of his
experience he recommends the following
cure for the liquor habit:
“I found early In my experience that
as a general rule—there are exceptions of
course—a regular consumer of fruit was
not a very good customer in my busi
ness. On the other hand, a typical 'booze
fighter’ seldom touches fruit. I always
kept some apples behind the bar for my
own use, and I often experimentally of
fered one to a ‘star customer,’ who al
most invariably refused. The more I
looked into this matter, the more firmly I
became convinced that these two habits
clash. Not caring to have my boys ac
quire the one I inoculated them with the
other, and I have found that the fruit
habit early acquired acts as a perfect an
tidote to the liquor habit.
“I mention apples especially because
they are something like bread, one never
tires of them, which Is more than can
be said of peaches, pears and oranges.
And apples, thanks to cold storage, can
be had every day of the school year.
‘‘Why shouldn’t the apple habit be
cultivated In the public schools at pub
lic expense? School trustees could adver
tise for bids to supply the school. Then
by means of a push-the-button contriv
ance placed at the boys’ lind girls’ exits
each child could get his apple as he
marched out to play at recess time. Two
apples a day would do the work. Children
have a veritable craving for fruit. And
if it happens that I have merely imagined
that the fruit habit offsets the drink
habit, I know that two apples a day will
have a valued influence on the health,
good temper and morals of any child.
'Please understand I have no ax to
grind, I do not own a single apple tree.
“I have never claimed to have dis
covered that fruit Juices act as a liquor
antidote, although I have talked it for
23 years.
"Some three years ago an article ap
peared which claimed a Nebraska physi
cian as the discoverer of the theory. The
good doctor and I will never quarrel over
it. He can have the glory. I do not need
it. I am only too glad to see that my
views have gained some scientific back
ing.
“If you remove the desire for drink,
the liquor question will solve Itself, and
while poverty may not be banished the
general welfare of the people will be much
improved; and even if my scheme is never
adopted I will feel a thousand times re
paid for my pains If I can only convince
the mothers of our country* those who
have the means to do so, that to implant
the fruit ^liabit In their children Is the
best assurance for a temperate life.”
WOMAN AND 1IER PURSE
From the Louisville Courier-Journal.
The New York chief of police has caused
to be distributed warnings to women shop
pers during the pre-Christmas,buying pe
riod. He admonishes women against
leaving their purses in street cars, in hotel
or department store retiring rooms, in au
tomobiles, in baby carriages and in other
places equally unsafe. But he does not
tell them w'hat to do with their green
backs to keep them from falling into the
hands of the pickpockets while they are
uttering exclamations of delight about the
shop windows and counters.
The Pittsburg chief of police does bet
ter. He knows woman nature.
“Put your money in your stockings/'
says the Pittsburg thief chaser. “And be
sure you wear strong garters and wear
them tight. Not too tight to allow a free
circulation of the blood, but tight
enough.’’
There have been pickpockets since the
pocket was invented, and thieves and cut
purses haVe prowled abroad by day and
by night since there were purses to cut.
But there are no pick-stockings. A pockrft
may be picked while the owner of the full
wallet is thinking about business or about
wine, women or song. But stockings can
not be picked. No woman is -«o absent
minded as to lose her roll of bills from
her stockings without knowing that some
thing unusual and suspicious is going for
ward.
Men may laugh at the use of the stocky
ing as a receptacle for money, but It Is
an evidence of. true feminine wisdom that
women, or many of them, put their money
where it will stay put. It may be neces
sary to rent a room at a hotel in order
to lay hands upon a needed $5 bill, but
anyway the $5 bill is not going to fall into
the hands of the light lingered gentry
whose “lay” it is to “trim the boob” who
puts a pocketbook in his “jeans” and is
not sufficiently sensitive to know when
it is removed.
IT WAS HIS WIFE
From Answers, London.
A ring at the telephone attracted the
attention uX the office boy.
•'A lady wishes to talk to you. sir," he
said, addressing the senior partner.
The Benior partner took up the Instru
ment and stood at the telephone fo rsev
eral minutes, a very tired and bored ex
pression on his face.
Then he laid the receiver down and
went back to his desk.
Twenty minutes later he walked to the
telephone, said a few words, and hung up
the receiver. Then he turned to ills part
ner, who w'as looking at him In a mysti
fied and puzzled way.
"It was my wife,” he explained. "She
was still talking, and hadn’t even missed
me.”
THE STRAIN WAS TOO GREAT
From the Liverpool Post.
Prof. Brander Matthews, the American
dramatic critic, was once presented by a
playwright with a complimentary ticket,
which he used. At the end of the first act
there was a chilly silence among tlie au
dience, but Mr. Matthews applauded, as
in duty bound. At the end of the second
act the audience hissed, while Mr. Mat
thews kept a troubled silpiicc. At the end
of the third act Mr. Matthews went out
and paid for his seat, and came back and
hissed with the rest.
SHE WAS LONG-HEADED
From Llppljeott’s.
He asked her in yearning, pleading tones
if lie could not give her an engagement
ring as a Christmas present. But she
comes of a thrifty and far-seeing fum
ily which never loses its presence of mind.
“No, darling," she softly whispered; "i
will take the ring now. I,et Christmas
bring its happy surprises, just as usual.”
ADRIFT WITH THE TIMES
VISIONARY JOYS.
I dearly love my easy chair,
A refuge from my troubles;
Whenever I am seated there
Life's greatest cares seem bubbles.
What's fame or fortune then to me!
Mere trifles not worth seeking;
f.*t others roam the land and sea,
From Elgin, 111., to Peking,
I’d rather sit at home and hear
The gentle raindrops falling
And see the firelight's ruddy cheer.
My simple soul enthralling.
That's how I feel. The chair I sing—
I wonder could you guess it—
Was priced to me away last spring— •
Some day I may possess it!
THE ’’STIFFLED LIFE."
"Here is an interesting story entitled,
'Love the Alchemist.’ ”
"Converts life's dross into gold and all
that sort of thing?"
"I should say not! In this story the
heroine wants to 'find herse/t,’ and all
writers of fiction concede that in a case
of that sort gold is an Insuperable bar
rier.”
POINT IN HIS FAVOR.
You seldom hear
, Of a man named McGlnnity
- Who’s running around
With a blondined affinity.
NOT TO BE THOUGHT OF.
"When two politician's start to abusing
each other it seems as if they might
come to blows at any moment.”
i
"They can't afford to do that.”
"No?”
"If'they came to blows the process of
blowing might be interrupted.”
EASY THEN.
However much a poet may
Desire a song to sing,
It's toilsome getting under way,
Except, of course, in spring.
SOME NOISES. ,
The riveters ne’er bother— *
We can work where hammers are;
But excuse me. please, from roofers
When they boil their pot of tar.
—Denver Republican.
We're used to many troubles.
But save us from the wight
Who likes to stand behind us
And watch us while we write.
—Youngstown Telegram.
*
We’re used to many troubles,
Bufrone that can't be beat
Is that blamed electric organ
* In the “movie” 'cross the street.
—Los Angeles Express.
We can stand all kinds of rackets.
As sure as you are born.
But the cat that murders midnight
And the thing that crows at dawn.
—Yonkers Statesman.
We don't mind certain noises—
What puts us on th^_shelf, \
Ts the kind made by the fellow/
Who talks about himself.
ALWAYS OUT.
"Jonesby seems to be a man who takes
things for granted.”
>
"That’s true. I can't keep enough
smoking tobacco on hand to fill my
pipe.” '
CANT KEEP UP.
"Bllfur pays as he goes."
"In that case I know where to look for
him.”
"Where?"
"Behind the procession."
THE DIFFERENCE.
A Kansas woman who served four
months in Jail for killing her husband
will now have to spend a year In the pen
itentiary for selling liquor. Killing one's
husband doesn't necessarily corrupt a
community, you know.
PAUL COOK.
COMMENCEMENT NIGHT
Irvin S. Cobb, in the Saturday Evening
Post.
THE scene Is the opera house and the
time Is the gula night of nights.
The beauty and chivalry of the
community—and some who are not such
striking beauties—have assembled to do
honor to these young men and women
who stand upon the threshold, ready to
step forth into the world and work a large
number of needed reforms that have been
clamoring for attention for quite some
time.
The decorations are indeed elaborate—
so many potted plants have not been as
sembled in one place since the president
of the First National bank died. In the
wings, at each side, is a perfect riot of
asparagus ferns, Interspersed with rub
ber plants. There Is a piano, with its
nerves tense and its teeth set, grimly
awaiting the torture that is to come.
The scenery is what is known technically
as the garden set, the lipmed beauties of
the backdrop being familiar to all who
have ever patronized the sumer stock ■
company.
Throughout the audience fans flutter!
feverishly, for it is a warm night. It
must be a warm night to insure that a;
ccmeneement will pass off succesfully;
then it not only pases off—It rolls off.
Wherever you look you see fair women !
with new frocks on and brave men with j
the backs of their necks shaved.
On the stage, in serried ranks, are two i
impressive semicircles. In the front row j
one beholds the graduating class of the<
current year, flanked at Its two ends, by 1
youths ordinarily known to the populace ■
as Bub Wallace and that dad-blamed 1
.Smalley kid; but on this occasion ele- j
vated to the dignity of having their mid
dle names exposed in print for the first
and last time in their lives.
Except that these two young gentlemen
are wearing a set, strained expression of
countenance, and are wilting down their j
collars, and do not know what to do with
their extra hands and feet, and are white j
about the gills, and are staring straight
ahead with a wild, hunted look out of!
the eyes, both of them are perfectly calm, j
cool and collected. Between them sit the !
young lady graduates, in fluttering, filmy j
white. About every other one Is clutch- j
ing a mass of deathless English prose \
carefully rolled up and tied with a blue
ribbon to keep the contents from escaping
and stunning the audience ahead of time. |
It is easy for the practiced eye to pick
out the mother of/each fair young grad-'
uate—the mother being the lady who,
when her own child rises to perform, quits
sniffling audibly and begins beaming audi
bly.
Back of the graduates we see another
semicircle, made up of members of the
school board, the high school superintend
ent in a black alpaca coat and a free
state of nettle rash, and the pastor of the
Congregational church, who will rise anon ,
and deliver an invocation requiring 18 min- j
utes to pass a given point.
j lie leaning memuers oi me uoartl oc
cupy the end seats. One is the sporting
dentist—every town of 10,000 or even less
has within its confines at least one spore- j
Ing dentist and two sporting barbers—and
the other is a human safety clutch, en
gaged In the private banking and loan
business, and generally known as Judge
Somebody, because h'e once served as
foreman of a coroner's Jury. He still has
the first 5-cent piece he ever owned—and
If they ever operate on him they will find
it. Tlie doc is on the board for the ex
citement and tlie Judge for no reason at
all. so far as anyone can discover.
The other members of tlie board are
a contracting carpenter, representing the
great common people of the Second ward;
a square jawed veteran with a habit of
working' the battle of Stone's Hlver into
every conversation, and two walking gen
tlemen, whose activity in educational
lines is conflneji to voting the same way
the judge does.
Presently the festivities of the festal
night are appropriately launched. In a
body tlie class advances toward tlie foot
lights and sings a song replete with ref
erence to the birds being In the trees and
the stars being in the skies, and tlie night
wind blowing free—and other natural
phenomena that have hitherto escaped
notice. ,Amicl peals of laughter the class
historian—born humorist if ever there
was one—predicts all sorts of ridiculous
careers for her mates; but it is noted that
her fond parents peal more readily than
the others present.
The class essayist, who has a knobby
forehead and spectacles extending back
over the ears, wins plaudits by her mas
terly command of the Latin language. It
Is generally felt that this information
will come in very handy tso week* hence,
when she takes up stenography as u life
calling.
Sfhe class salutatorlan obliges at great
length, and volunteer scorers all over the
house keep tab on the number and ex
tent of the floral offerings passed over
the footlights.
Presently the worst fears of tho helpless
piano are realized. The doomed instru
ment quivers at the approach of a sinewy
little girl of a resolute aspect. Some con
fusion is created In the minds of tho
audience when the superintendent an
nounces that his talented young person
is about to render a selection by a for
eigner, to whom he erroneously refers as
Show Pang, whereas anybody who can
read knows the name should be pro
nounced Chop In, as In cutting stovewood.
Nevertheless, the young lady docs per
form with great vigor; and then for an
encore she renders the "battle of
Prague" In such a way as materially 10
add to the horrors of war. She flips the
last volley and falls back in good order,
leaving the piano In a, (^rushed and palpi
tating state. It is not exactly wrecked,
but it will never again be the piano it
was.
The valedictorian—It Is the Smalley boy
—rises to his feet after obtaining the con
sent of his legs and—first swullowiug a
setting of Imaginary duck eggs—ho ad
dresses the orchestra leader on some con
fidential matter In a tone of voice so
subdued he cannot hear it himself. Then
the diplomas are distributed and the
graduates go forth into tho world. In
June they go forth, but some of them aro
back as early as September 15.
Some will go to college and the others
will make over a few of their ideals
and take a fresh start—for a period of
disillusionment befalls along about here.
The youth who was president of the glee
club and led the varsity team at the bat
meets a large number of persons who,are
not interested In these matters at all. It f
Is a shock to him to find so many pre
sumably intelligent busines men—men
w ho have apparently succeeded In life—
who do not seem to care a tinker’s'
naughty word liow high up he was in
the Awful Dents Fraternity, provided ip
can letter a packing case. For one year's
football hero is next year’s shipping
clerk, and the two pursuits are in no way
correlated.
INHIBK INFORMATION
From the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.
A writer advises girls that the ability
to toast marshmallows does not make a
good cook of anyone. No, girls, it doesn't;
the writer of that Information Is telling
the truth. When your beau calls, tonight,
and you look at hlm>you would never sus
pect it, but he Is fond of boiled spuds,
pink beans and hot biscuits, and while
he may pretend to you that three toasted
mashmifllows is.sufficlent for him, he will
pfobably go hack in the kitchen when he
gets home and eat a hog liver and •»
pound of bologna sausage before going tc
bed.
AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE
From the Cleveland Plain Dealer.
It’s always a pleasure to renew ac
quaintance with our old friend, the "Fld
Ule, D. D." joke. The veteran Is now
sweeping the country with great edlat.
Every little while Harper’s Drawer Is
left ajar and some dear old bit of hurAor
crawls out of a dusty corner and goes
romping down the highway.
FORGET THEE!
By John Moultrie.
"Forget thee?” If to dream by night, and
muse on thee by day,
If all the worship, deep and wild, a poet's
heart can pay,
If prayers In absence breathed for thee
to Heaven’s protecting power,
If winged thoughts that lilt to thee—a
thousand In an hour, ^
If busy Fancy blending thee with all my
future lot—
If this thou call’st "forgetting,” thou In
deed shalt be forgot!
"Forget thee?” Bid the forest birds for
get their sweetest tune;
“Forget thee?” Bid the sea forget to
swell beneath the moon;
Bid the thirsty flowers forget to drink
the eve’s refreshing dew;
Thyself forget thine “own dear land," and
its “mountains wild and blue;"
Forget each old familiar face, each long
remembered spot—
When these things are forgot by thee,
then thou shalt be forgot!
Keep, if thou wilt, thy maiden peace, 'i
still calm and fancy free,
For Uod forbid thy gladsome heart should
grow less glad for me;
Yet while that heart Is still unwon, O
bid not mine tw rove,
But let It nurse Its humble faith and un- '
complaining love;
If these, preserved fot patient years, at |
last avail me pot, I
Forget me then—but ne'er believe that !
thou canst be^^rgoV!

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