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“Th’ prisiaint iv th’ bank has a flashlight picture took iv th’ scene to show that th’ consarn is solvent.’ “He used to ketch with his naked hands ontil his hands got so busted that ye cudden't screen soft coal with thim.” ^ / I DON’T know,” said Mr. Dooley, " 1 don't I know whether we ought to interfere or not.” “ In Mexico? ” asked Mr. Hennessy. “ Don't talk like a congressman,” said Mr. Dooley. “ I’m not half as much bothered about Mexico as I am about th' quarls an’ love affairs iv th’ cats in th’ backyard next dure. It's sthraugc what thim fellows down in \\ ash'nton .. thinks is inthrestin’ to th’ American people. Whin they’re timin' to iujooce us to save tliim fr’m th' privations iv life at home they tell us that if they land they’ll devote thimsilves en tirely to our inthrests. But whin they get into th’ innervatin’ atmosphere, as Hogan says, iv a Wash’nton boordin' house they f’rget all about us an’ spind their time solvin’ picture puzzles iv high fi-nance an’ high di-plomacy that arc no more use to me thin so much aljibbera, be liivens. “ Th’ nex’ time that long haired Prince Albert coat an' white necktie that thinks it riprisints me in congress conies in here an’ thinks to wheedle me out iv r vote that ought to be worth $2 iv anny mail’s money I’m goin’ to say: ‘ Whin I put ye where ye are ye premised to devote ye'er time to makin’ life more merry f’r me. An' what have yc done beyant movin’ out , iv me neighborhood? Have ye shook th’ fur nace. or looked aftlier th’ plumbin’, or mended th’ beer pump, or swept th’ snow off th side walk. or carried in th’ coal or stopped th’ dhraft undlier tlv front dure, or fixed th’ broken spring iv th' matthress, or kilt th organ grinder, or thawed out th’ wather pipe? Thim are th’ things that affect me life, not th' con throversy between William Jennings Bryan an’ th’ Frinch sicrity iv state f’r affairs-that’re lione-iv-his-business-ayether over th’ throubles iv Beloochystan. Don’t tell me about ye’er vote on th’ income tax. Th’ on’y people that are bothered about th’ income tax ar-re th’ few that have incomes so large that they’re not bothered about annything. I received an in come tax blank to fill out mesilf fr’m a jocose governmint among me other mail on th’ foor teenth iv Feb’ry. I will say this, that, though, like all comic valentines, ’twas a little vulgar an’ personal ail’ touched on wan iv me prin cipal deformities, I got a hearty laugh out iv it bcrure I thrun it away with th’ others that joshed me about me bald head an’ th’ size iv me feet. But other people might be more sin sitiv. I can aisily undherstand that this coorse pleasanthry might not be relished be a man that had th’ misfortune to be born without' an income an’ hadn’t been able to make wan grow on him since. I must say that half th’ pleasure I have had thinkin’ iv Jawn D. gettin’ a cramp in his wrist makin’ th’ return has been spiled be th’ thought iv hundhreds iv onforchnits who have had to explain to a collector iv etarnal rev’noos that they niver see that all th’ time they have been pretindin’ to have a rale income they've been stumpin’ around on an artificial wan.’ ‘‘No, sir, tli’ things that people talk about in Wash’nton an’ th’ things they talk about where they have a vote are not th’ same, it -pains me to see Dock Wilson agytatm his mind an’ wastin' his time writin’ letters to Sir Ed Grey about Pancho Villa an’ other gunmen whin our own counthry is on tlv brink iv civil war over th’ base-ball situation. Ye don’t catch th’ King iv England wastin’ his time on such thrivyalities. No, sir; he’s at his post iv iootv in th' front seal iv th’ gran'sland with a hottle iv pop in wan hand an’ a chunk iv cracker-jack in th' other, yellin’ ‘Rotten!’ at tlv empire an’ callin’ on Mike Donlin to jump feet first into th' shortstop’s lap. He’s a smart little king, that same George th’ Fifth. He knows how to cemint th’ Anglo-Saxon alliance whin it begins to crack at th’ jints. Wee'll niver fight with a monarch that can figure out a double play, Collins to Barry, to McGinnis. He un dherstands bctther thin th' hired hands undher him what institution we're proudest iv, an’ that there’d be more ginoovine grief in th’ homes iv America if Joe Tinker sprained his ankle thin if Cole Blease broke his neck. “ There’s no wan prouder iv th’ growth iv base-ball thin mesilf, an’ faith I ought to be, f’r haven’t I watched it fr’m its infancy, whin th’ Forest Citys bate th’ Pecatonica Blues be a scoor iv two lnindhred an’ eight to nawthin’? I remimber whin siven mimbers iv th’ chatn peenship team wore side whiskers an' whin wan iv thim. Harry W right be name, had as com plete a beard as th’ wan that gives Jim Ilam Lewis th’ on’y privacy he has iver enj’yed. I’ve seen Jim White pitch in spectacles, an’ I re mimber whin til’ best base stealer in tlv league had a club fut. I’ve known ivrv pitcher fr’m A1 Spalding to Eddie Welsh. This very re threat where ye are standin’ now used to be th’ thrainin’ quarthers f'r Mike Kelly, th’ grandest player iv thim all an’ th’ on’y man that cud make an error so laughable that ye wudden't be able to scoor it f’r merrymint. I remimber whin Cap Anson, a raw counthry boy, come to Chicago fr’m Marshalltown, Ioway-” “ D’ve remimber W’ash’nton at Valley Forge? ” asked Air. Hennessy. “ Valley Forge was in th’ Pennsylvanya State league, an’ we didn’t pay anny attintion to th’ bushers in thim days,” said Mr. Dooley. “ I re mimber whin th’ ketcher used to stand behind th’ plate, without mask or cliist protector or gloves, an’ take thim all, high an’ low, in or out. Ye cudden’t get Old Hoss Flint to put on that armor anny more thin he wud a diver’s suit. He used to ketch with his naked hands ontil his hands got so busted that ye cudden’t screen soft coal with thim, an’ thin he caught with his nose or his stomach. He didn’t care. “ In thim day* I niver expicted to sec base ball become th’ fi-nancyal institution it is today Th’ season was shorter. About th’ middle iv May th’ great atheleet turned over th’ reins iv th’ grocery team to other hands an’ wint dowr to th’ ball park an’ reported to th’ cap. He played ontil til’ ear muffs blossomed in th' gran’ stand an’ thin resooined his civic jooties. Durin tlv winther he was just like th’ rest iv us. Ye niver heerd iv him onless he got into throuble with th’ polis. Nowadays th’ winther is tlv peeryud iv his greatest activity. There’s more base-ball news whin th snow is on th’ ground thin there is in th’ summertime. Most base ball players show little inthrest in th’ game ontil th' season is over. But whin th’ cold weather comes they begin to warm up, an’ manny a sturdy fellow that had to be led away fr’m first base be th’ ear makes a record as th’ spryest conthract jumper in avether league. Some iv thim go on th’ stage an’ become great acthors. t Hhers take up lithrachoor as a pro-fissyon. an’ manny iv th’ best articles in th’ pa-apers is wrote be ball players without th’ aid iv a mask. If Horace Greeley was to return to ’arth, th’ “Wan had as complete a beard as th’ wan that gives Jim Ham Lewis th’ on’y privacy he has iver enj’yed.” chances are th’ foreman iv th’ composin’ room wud come to his desk some night an’ shake a proof undher his nose an’ say, ‘ Look here, ol’ boss, ye’ll have to cut this editoryal on “ Th’ Fate iv th’ Nation ” down to a stick. We’ve just got in a article on fungo hittin’ be Stuffy McGinnis.’ I wint by th’ office iv a magazine th’ other day an’ see a crowd standin* at th’ dure. ‘ What's th’ excitement? ’ says I. ‘ We’re waitin’ f’r him to come out,’ says a man. * Who? Roodyard Kiplin’? ’ says I. ‘No,’ says he; ‘ Ping Bodie. He’s signin’ an article on th’ “ Neo-Platonic Theery iv th’ Spit Ball,’’ ’ he says. ‘ Th’ iditor has offered him forty thousan dollars, but he says if he don’t get fifty he’ll jump to th’ Quartherly Review.’ “ It’s a great change fr'm my day. Th’ heroes I knew cuddcnt’ feel a pen in their hands onlcss it was as big as a paint brush an’ had nails in 111 handle. An’ I niver heerd iv a pro-fissyonal bal player enthrin’ a bank—at lastc in th’ daytime Now, whin Ty Cobb goes down to wan iv these hardware stores with a tlirunk containin’ his weekly wages th’ prisidint iv th’ bank has i flashlight picture took iv th’ scene to show tliai ,/ ill' eonsani is solvent. Jawnny Evers wishes us to deny th’ story circulated fr its effect on th' stock exchange that he has consulted to jine th’ boord iv th’ Standard lie comp’ny. It is re poorted that Josh Devore will give his entire collection iv rare paintings. Chinese porcelains, an’ Pershyan rugs to th’ art museem. If ye see a young fellow modestly dhressed in a pink an’ green checked suit, with an acetylene head light in his shirt front, hurryin’ down th’ sthreet an’ peevishly rejectin’ an’ effort iv a tear stained man in a tattered sealskin overcoat to stick money into his pocket, don't think they are re hearsin’ a scene in a loonytick asylum f’r th’ movies. No. sir. Ye ar-re witnessin’ an attimpt iv a Fedhral league magnate to lure a white slave into captivity. “ It’s time our govermint stepped in an’ made an invistigation iv this thraftic. It was bad enough a few years ago, whin th’ slave raiders fr’m th’ ol’ leagues used to descind on th’ peace ful hamlets iv th’ west an’ seize an’ carry off th’ finest an’ sthrongest iv their young men. Far away fr’m his home in Cedar Rapids th’ poor chattel pined away th’ long summer afther nooiis in th’ scorchin’ outfield iv Shibe park, whither he was dhriven in an autymobile be a harsh taskmaster. Ivry day fr’m three to five he toiled most iv th’ time in th’ blazing sun, sometimes bein’ compelled to run thirty or forty feet over th’ parched grass to overtake th’ crool an’ tantalizin’ base hit. An’ whin he left this • post iv torture, was he allowed to relax his achin' limbs in sleep? No, sir; as he set on a hard bench, buryin’ his head in his hands, which he cud aisily do, th’ harsh cry iv ‘ Cassidy up! ’ dlirove him to th’ plate, where he was compelled to stand sometimes f’r a whole minyit iv agony, sthrikin’ at a ball hurled be another gladiator. If be anny chance he shut his eyes an’ hit it he was obliged to stagger a distance iv ninety feet, an’ if his faintin’ limbs refused to carry him at great speed he was saluted with foul epithets, such as ‘ Ice wagon! ’ an’ th’ like be th’ onfeelin’ multichood. An’ ye must remimber, Hinnissy, that these serfs ar-re immachure young men, condimned to this brutal an’ degradin’ toil at an age whin more favored youths are carryin’ th’ hod. An’ what compinsation did they get fr it? Sildom more thin tin thousan’ dollars a year, with what they cud pick up as thrajee dyans an’ authors. “ Thin come this here Fedhral league an’ made their condition aven worse. It appears, Hinnissy, that a number iv men who have grown rich in th’ quick lunch business, not sat isfied with their inhuman wurruk, has been at thracted be th’ hope iv gain to take a hand in th’ thraffic in human souls. In many cases high handed vilence has been used. I pick up th’ pa-aper an’ read; ‘ Exthry—Jiggs Mulcahy Kid naped!—At tin thirty-two this tnornin’, as Mul cahy, th’ cillybrated second baseman iv th’ • Scorpions, was proceedin’ in his autymobile to breakfast, he was set upon be ruffyans in th’ employ iv th’ Fedhral league, who bate his chauffeur into insinsibility an’ overpowered Mul cahy be stuffin’ his mouth with goold certy ficates, thus preventin’ his outcries fr’m bein’ heerd. A darin’ attimpt be agents iv th’ other league to rescue him was foiled be Ins desprit** captors, who carried their victim to a neigh borin’ caffv, where he was rendered unconscious with champagne. While in this condition he was injooced to sign a conthract surrendherin’ himsilf into captivity f’r thirty thousan’ dollars a year, provided he was allowed to use an auty-' , mobile in runnin’ bases. It is feared that he has been spirited a,wav to Brooklyn, where he is locked up in a safety deposit vault.’ " No wondher th’ counthry'is all wurrukcd up over th' situation. Here’s something that con gress an' th’ prisidint ought to get busy about. There ought to be a fedhral commission to in vistvgate th’ condition an’ housin’ iv pro-fiss yonal base-ball players. I'm no Socyalist, Hin nissy, but whin an institution gets to be so im- \ portant to th’ counthry as base-ball it ought to be took over be th’ naytional govermint. Yes, sir. It is time f’r Dock Wilson to quit foolin’ with such pollytickal croshayin’ as th’ rivolu- | chion in Mexico an’ th’ anti-thrust legislachion an’ do somethin’ that appeals to th’ heart iv th’ American people. “ Some people think there's too much busir ness in base-ball. They think a ball player'/ ought to be like a pote or a lawyer an’ have anny money he gets secreted in a bunch iv vilets that's handed to him be his admirers. I don’t agree with thim. Divide a bit do I care whether a man is playin’ ball f'r th’ fun iv it or f’r a retainer that Elihoo Root wud be ashamed to take before he quit th’ game, so long as ho ' pastes thim on th' thrade-mark whin he’s up an’ hauls thim down with wan hand whin he’s in th’ field. Ye'll see me in a front seat at th’ first game, watchin’ th’ nimble young fi-nanceers at play an' yellin’, ‘Take him off!’ at th’ fel low who ain’t got nawthin’ on th’ ball but his good intintions, regardless iv his ratin’ in ol’ man Bradsthreet’s ditchnary iv merit. Between you an’ me, I'd just as soon watch a white slave playin’ as a bould freeman. An’ if he played betther ball. I'd sooner. I haven’t a care < in th’ wurruld whether his constitootynal rights v' is guaranteed, so long as he gets down to sicond 1 ahead iv th’ ball.” “ I see be th’ pa-aper that it's a shame that a • base-ball player shud get three times as much sal’ry as a calledge pro-fissor,” said Mr. Hen nessy. ji “ He may be worth three times as much,” ^ said Mr. Dooley. “ If a man’s value to th’ wurruld was measured be his wages, a sthreet sprinkler wud get more thin a bank prisidint.> But it ain’t.” “ But d’ye honestly think Tris Speaker ought to get more thin th’ prisidint iv Harvard col ledge? ” asked Mr. Hennessy. / “ That,” said Mr. Dooley, “ is a matter I can't give an opinyon on. I niver see Dock Lowell \ play. I’d lave th’ matther to a vote iv th’ st\\-J dints iv that great an’ fash-nable resort. I’d let* ^ thim decide which athlcct it gives thim morif pleasure to see perform." " D'ye think they'd raise Speaker's sal-ry? ” asked Mr. Hennessy. “No,” said Mr. Dooley; " but they might cut dowm Prisidint Lowell’s.” (Copyright: 1914: By iiuley Peter ilunaaj