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The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, December 01, 1914, Image 4

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THEAGEHERALI
F.. W. BAHHETT.Edlto
Entered nt the Birmingham, Ala
pnatoffiee aa aecond class matter unde
act of Congress March 3, 1879.
Dally and Sunday Age-Herald.88.'
Dally and Sunday, per month.'
Dally and Sunday, three months.2.'
Weekly Age-Herald, per annum. E
Sunday Age-Herald .2.(
A. J. Eaton, Jr., and O. E. Young at
the only authorized traveling represen
tativea of The Age-Herald In Its clr
culatlon department.
No communication will he publiehct
without Its author's name. Rejectd
manuacript will not be returned unleai
stamps are enclosed for that purposo.
Remittances can be made at eurren
rate of exchange. The Age-Herald wil
not be responsible for money sent throug't
the malls. Address,
THE AGE-HBRALD,
Birmingham, Ala.
Washington bureau, 207 Hibbs build
lng.
European bureau, 6 Henrietta street
Covent Garden, London.
Eastern business office, Rooms 48 t<
H, Inclusive, Tribune building, New
York city; western business office
Tribune building, Chicago. The S. C
Beckwith Special Agency, agents for
eign advertising.
TELEPHONE
Bell 1 private exchange connecting nl
departments! Main 4000,
Accusative, hung, bang, hog. “Hang,
hog” is l.sttn for bacon.
_Merry Wives of M lndsor.
BEGINNING THE DAY-O Go«l,
my Fnther, help me to set my eyes
on Christ today and follow Him
without questioning where He leailn.
Help me lo leave with Him the del
icate matters of character growth.
Help me to leave with Him the
difficult qnestlona of conduct. Help
me simply to follow. Amen.—
H. M. E.
Amusements in London
A correspondent writing from Lon
don describes the blight that has faller
on the city’s theatrical life as a re
sult of the war. In other Europear
capitals, with the possible exception
of Paris, we are informed that there
is little apparent change in the pleas
ure-seeking populace and theatres, as
well as cafes and other places of re
sort, are well patronized. In London,
however, the actor folks have been
hard hit and business in the theatres
is practically dead.
No doubt better conditions would
prevail, so far as stage people art
concerned, if that ever-present feai
of a Zeppelin invasion had not giver
John Bull a pronounced case of “cold
feet” and resulted in his ordering
London kept dark at night. Many the
atres are closed and many others art
far from prospering. There is a short
age of busses and drivers, too, a situa
tion which makes itself acutely felt ir
London’s West End amusement dis
trict. Some of the bus companies thal
are still in operation have suspended
service on certain routes after 10:311
and 11 o’clock at night.
With a pall of darkness to combat
where once was as much gayety as
London is capable of producing, con
ditions have quite naturally discour
aged theatrical performers whose bus
iness in life is to entertain the public
Although outdoor sports seem to be
indulged in as much, or almost as
much, as formerly, theatres no longei
attract patronage. English actors whe
have contracts in this country and
are now appearing before Americar
audiences may consider themselves
fortunate in being out of England jus!
at this time, for business if not foi
patriotic reasons.
However, theatrical managers ir
the United States are exdtcising dui
caution, and they are not as mucl
disposed to “take a chance” this sea
son with all sorts of “road shows” ai
they were before Europe’s war causei
a world-wide financial panic.
Continued Improvement
Last week marked a decided im
provement in the financial and indus
trial world and this week promise
even greater progress in the volumi
of business. If the steel industry is ai
important barometer even a small in
crease in orders for finished producti
will be most welcome. That there wil
be an improvement within the nex
few days in steel is practically assuret
and the best of it is that there is ;
large outlook for the steel mills withii
the next few weeks.
The money market is steadily eas
ing. Capitalists are showing more in
clination to invest in new enterprises
and when prosperity is well under wai
again manufacturers and wage work
ers who have felt hard times will sooi
forget that this country had passei
through a period of severe depression
Annual Reports of Department Head
The cabinet officers—heads of de
partments—have been busy recent);
on their annual reports. Most of thes
reports will contain dry statistics, bu
they will be of great practical interes
to a large part of the public.
The report of the Secretary o
Treasury will inform the nation on it
financial condition. The Secretary o
Commerce will present many impor
tant fact? and make suggestions ani
recommendations that will be helpfu
to the business world. The Post
master General has, it is believed
L administered his department with ex
i
(Agriculture is sure to say something
illuminating.
But larger interest that usual will
; attach to the reports of the military
■ branches of the government—the war
department and the navy department.
■ Much has been said within the past
few months about the weakness of
u our coast defenses and the general
D unpreparedness of this country for
■ war; not because we might soon have
. to face war, for there is no reason to
think that the United States will be
. come involved in a bloody conflict in
1 this decade or the next or even the
i next. At the same time we should
not be unmindful of our defenses or
neglect the matter of efficiency in the
1 army and the navy. It is understood
that Secretary Garrison will propose
a definite military policy to be worked
' out in the coming years.
No one expects the Sixty-third Con
gress in its closing session to take any
action on military affairs, but the
Sixty-fourth Congress must give the
recommendations of the Secretary of
War serious consideration.
Brighter Side of Cotton Situation
Out of all the agitation against a
large cotton acreage next year is
coming a settled notion that there
will be some reduction in the planting,
but just how much is the question.
. In former years when it seemed de
sirable to reduce the cotton crop many
farmers who spoke out in favor of the
reduction proposition planted more
instead of less. Not in a long time,
however, have the farmers had such
a severe experience as now. With
many of them reduced acreage will be
an absolute necessity and with all far
seeing and business-like farmers it
should certainly seem advisable.
Some of the largest planters—men
qf high standing in the business
world—feel almost ready to guarantee
that no more than 40 per cent of the
normal cotton acreage will be culti
vated in the south next year. That
would mean that Alabama would pro
duce instead of something like 1,500,
000 bales only between 600,000 and
700,000 bales. It would mean that the
south would produce instead of 16,
000,000 bales less than 7,000,000
bales.
If the planting and banking inter
ests now insisting on a reduced acre
age can persuade the farmers to make
just 50 per cent of a crop—8,000,000
bales instead of 16,000,000—great good
would be accomplished. Such a reduc
tion would mean that those who hold
their cotton of this year's crop would
get from 12 to 15 cents a pound. If
the government report issued on the
first of May sets forth the fact that
a 60 per cent crop has been planted
even then cotton would command a
good price.
While cotton will be the chief money
crop in the cotton belt for some years
to come; while it will be the farmer’s
mainstay—something that will always
sell for cash no matter how low the
price—crop diversification must in
time add greatly to the south’s wealth.
Alfalfa, oats and corn have been
raised in Alabama in recent years on
such a scale as to lend encouragement
to all progressive farmers who would
expand along the line of crop diversi
fication. But there must be some or
ganized plan for marketing hay and
grain. The farmer who ships Jjay and
corn to Birmingham must be assured
of stable prices. The sweat of his brow
should not be in vain. In Louisiana
and other southern states marketing
associations are being formed, and we
must have something of the kind here
in Alabama.
But coming back to the cotton ques
tion, it behooves every planter to
| make comparatively little cotton and
to make the acreage that he does
plant yield more abundantly to the
square inch.
To Promote Southern Development
The Southern Commercial congress,
which met in Mobile in 1913, will hold
its next annual meeting in Washing
ton D. C., December 12. In view of
the large immigration outlook this
meeting should be particularly well
attended by representative southern
men.
Two active bodies are now in the
field to deal with the immigration
question as it relates to the south—
the Southern Commercial congress and
the Southern Settlement and Develop
ment organization. The latter is the
younger body of the two, but' it is
well officered and its plans are at
once comprehensive and practical.
1 The railroads are in a position to
' help largely in the immigration move
• ment. The Southern Railway com
pany is certainly alive to the import
ance of bringing Belgians and other
desirable Europeans to the south. The
two organizations referred to by co
operating with the railroads should
be able to accomplish a great deal
1 within the next year or two.
Alabama’s commissioner of immi
^ glotion wil|, as a matter of course,
' be expected at the Southern Com
mercial congress meeting on December
12, and it would be well for the Bir
* mingham Chamber of Commerce to be
' represented there.
, Princelings and clerks are fighting side
- by side in Europe. War's a great leveler
f in more way# than on*
Mrs. Bessie Vati Vorst. the Americai
author who was recently married li
Paris to Hughes Le Roux, editor of thi
Matin, began her literary work In thii
country, although she has made her homi
In Paris for sometime. She has writtei
a number of books, including “The Cry o
Children ’ and “Letters to Women It
Love.” With her sister-in-law, Mari<
\ an Vorst, she made a. stud& of thi
women who work in mills and factories
Some of this data was obtained frorr
Alabama cotton mills. It was publisher!
in a book entitled “The Woman Wh<
Toils,” and containing a preface wrltter
by Theodore Roosevelt. M. Le Roux i:
one of the most noted literary men ol
France. He Is an officer of the Legior
of Honor, a commander of the Grown 01
Italy, a commander of the Order of St
Stanislaus of Prussia, and the recipient
of many distinguished decorations. H<
has won fame as an explorer and is c
noted collector of animal trophies. He is
a member of the superior council of thi
colonies and a member of the council ol
foreign commerce, a director of the
department of athletic sports of the Acad
emy of Sports, and a member of the So*
clety of Literati and the Society of Dra
matic Authors.
Now comes General Gonzalez and de
clares himself President of Mexico. Gen
eral Villa, General Zapata, General Car
ranza and a few' others are of the opin
ion that he will have to prove it.
Chicago is encouraging the city beauti
ful idea and in the same breath says:
“Keep your girls away from Chicago."
Must think there are no good lookers
outside of Chicago. ^
The King and Queen of Belgium may
consider themselves fortunate in still
being able to live on Belgian territory
while so many of their subjects are ex
iles.
The “Bulgarian Lion,” a wrestler
brought hack to Birmingham on a. swind
ling charge, lias been acting ever since
his arrest very much like a Bulgarian
lamb.
It is said a French regiment was un
able to bathe or change its clothes for
47 days. Well, men don't go to war ex
pecting all the comforts of home.
The French soldiers are parting with
their red trousers at last. Doubtless their
hearts are heavy, but, they will have a
better chance to survive a battle.
American hens lay $300,000,000 worth oi
eggs every year. For usefulness the
American hen makes the American eagle
look like a rank quitter.
All's quiet at Kiel. Why should the
Germans worry so long as their sub
marines continue to pick off British bat
tleships?
Two shiploads of Birmingham tar have
recently been sold in Italy. Needless tc
say, It Is the kind of tar that, stays put,
A Pittsburg newspaper advocates a
“Feed America First” campaign as the
second best bet to “See America First.”
The reports of General French regard
ing the war are admirable in every way,
except that they are out of date.
Recent events show that the Bulwark
was not able to live up to its name.
The American people are now wading
.through oceans of turkey hash.
Although Andrew Carnegie is ,79 years
old, he is still a rich man.
ALABAMA SANCTUMS
Selma Times: Cotton seed is selling at
Greenville for $24 a ton. In Selma it is
bringing $2l. Cotton seed is now our best
ready money crop.
Pine Belt News: Many an Alabama
mule will see service on European battle
fields, w-here the noise of field guns will
eliminate the unmusical notes that
usually greet Johnny when he enters the
stable with a basket of ear corn and
bundle of fodder.
Mobile Register: The revenue stamp on
way bills is going to prove vexatious in
the extreme. Already the government
has had to amend the practice with re
gard to it, the lawr, if strictly construed,
being absolutely prohibitory of certain
shipments. Why not take off the tax ancj
place it on bank checks?
Gadsden Times News: The Magic Citj
is looking for some noiseless newsies*
but “thar hain't no such animal.”
Canbrake Herald: Business is on the
rebound, but a few longer leaps would be
quite acceptable.
Montgomery Advertiser: We have some
unpaid school teachers in Alabama. The
framers of the next revenue bill wil
have something to think about.
UKE M’LUKE SAYS
From the Cincinnati Enquirer.
Why is it that a motorman usually ha*
Eskimo ideas about ventillation?
Father always indig nates because the
children don't want to go to bed at nighi
and don’t want to get up in the morning
But mother knows that the children In
herited It from the male side of theh
parentage.
What has become of the old-fashionet
grandma who used to wear wrhite eapi
and who tolei us Bible stories?
Everything that transpires happens fo’
the best. A long siege of tough lud
makes a man more considerate of others
The old-fashioned man that used t<
burn the candle at both ends now has t
son who goes to bed and forgets to turi
out the electric light.
Marriage is something ‘that changes *
sweetheart into a sour heart.
A preacher doesn’t have any more of t
cinch in life than you have and he is m
against. It about as much as you are. H
has to get a call to some other churcl
in or^er to get a raise in salary.
There was a time when beauty wai
skin deep. But nowadays a lot of it rubi
off if you even touch it.
Women have it all over men as detec
tives. You never saw a man who wai
able to follow the styles and keep trad
of them.
i Once upon a time a man rememberer
that the day was the tenth anniversar;
of Ids wedding and he brought home soirv
flowers and candy to his wife and gav
her a kiss. And it took eight doctors nin<
days to restore the poor woman from th
effect of the shock.
The soft hearted men are the best fel
lows and have the most friends. Bu
they are usually working for and payim
rent to the hard headed men.
; IN HOTEL LOBBIES
Better Tone In Rnrnl Districts
i “I have not made a trip through the
state since October, but, of course, I keep
in touch with the various cities and
■ towns, and I am glad to say there is a
much more buoyant feeling among mer
, chants and farmers than there wag a
few weeks ago,” said Hugh M. Brown,
the well known shoe factory agent.
“I may make a short trip between now
and Christmas, but I shall not expect
to do much business until the new year.
Many of the farmers who have held their
cotton will get good prices for it in the
spring, assuming that the planting acre
age is reduced in 1916.'*
Business and Politics
“In politics I am an lndeptndent, and
wlli probably remain such,” said S. L.
Gresham of Philadelphia.
“In 1912 I voted the democratic tick
et and I have no regrets. In 1908 I
voted the republican ticket and was
sorry, for the Taft administration got
things in a bad muddle. As to how I
snail vote in 1916 depends upon bus
ircss conditions in the next 18 or 20
months.
“There were two reasons why I voted
for Wilson: One was my admiration for
the man, and the other my predispo
sition to tariff reform. T think the dem
ocratic Congress has done good work
in most respects. The Underwood tar
iff suited me all right, and while I
make no pretention of being a finan
cier, the currency law is. from all ac
counts, just what the country lias long
needed. But, after all, political theory
must square with practical affairs in
business, or else something is wrong.
“If we have real prosperity next year
nothing can prevent another demo
cratic victory in 1916.”
As To Cotton
One of the best cotton brokerage
houses of New York in a circular of
Saturday’s date said in part:
“Trade is obviously improving both
at home and abroad and it naturally
must follow that the manufacturers'
need for raw cotton will increase. If
the American spinner because of a
present ample supply does not care to
add to his stock of raw material, let
him protect himself against his future
needs by purchases of New York op
tions which, under our present cystem
of grading, conforming in every way
to the provisions of the Lever bill, will
Insure him a spinnable cotton if he
elects to take delivery. Such a policy
entails little risk, while on the oth
er hand, If the expected acreage reduc
tion next spring lakes place and a gen
erai textile trade boom, which is pre
dicted by some of our more farseeing
influential captains of industry, devel
ops, options purchased around the pres
ent level of prices ought t^ prove a
very profitable investment.”
The Went ami the South
“While it is true that the great grain
growing states of the west are enjoying
a season of prosperity at this time, I stick
.to what I said about four years ago, that
in time the south would he known for
its immense productive achievements and
would be richer even than the west,” said
W. W. Binford of Cincinnati.
“The cotton growing states can raise
all the crops that other states can raise.
They can add to cotton, corn and alfalfa
and a variety of smaller crops.
“Many homeseekers fr6m the north
have settled in the south within the past,
three or four years, but within the next
few years a great tide will set in.' Im
migration departments and asociatlons
can do much to expedite the bringing of
new settlers to the south, but the rail
roads are in a position to do more than
any other agency. Alabama, Georgia,
Louisiana and Florida are, I am told,
particularly varied in soils. This state
of Alabama should lead the others, be
cause In addition to its agricultural re
sources it has minerals of incalculable
value. Birmingham has made prodigious
progress and in the next census it will
no doubt show a population cfc upwards
of 300,000.”
Improvement In Retail Trade
“1 found a decidedly better tone to
business in New York," said Sam Phil
lips. who returned yesterday from the
east.
“I was told In New Y'ork that retail
business had shown a steady improve
ment for several weeks. Our business
here in Birmingham has held up remark
ably well, and the Improvement ^pr the
past 10 days has been very gratifying. I
bought heavily of women's ready-to-wear
in anticipation of a big December trade.”
A Musical Success
“The ladies who have arranged the se
ries of Sunday afternoon musleales are
to be heartily congratulated on their
premier entertainment In which were pre
sented Aresonl and Bruhl,” said Oliver
Chalifoux.
“The acoustics of the ballroom of the
Tutwiler, where the concert was given,
are perfect. It was a question of just
how the acoustics should be until they
had been tried, and those subscribers to
the season tickets who were present in
the audience must have been delighted to
know that the artists could be heard
clearly in every part of the spacious
room.*
“Mr. Aresonl is a great singer, and a
discriminating audience Sunday listened
rapturously. Mr. Bruhl, the pianist, ac
quitted himself with high credit, and sev
eral of his peaces were played with rare
beauty. Altogether, it was a concert to
be remembered.”
BORR TACTICS
The proble mof controlling and directing
the Individual units that make up the
immense masses of men that engage in
the battles in Europe has been the sub
ject of serious study for years In the
staffs of the rival armios. An English mil
itary authority in the Encyclopedia Brit
anica points out that “so far from
diminishing, drill has Increased in im
portance under modern conditions of re
cruiflng. It has merely changed in form,
and instead of being repressive it has
become educative. The force of modern
short-service troops, as troops, is far
sooner spent than that of the old-fash
ioned automatic regiments, while the re
serve force of its component parts, re
maining after the dissolution is far higher
than of old. But this uncontrolled force
Is liable to panic as well as amenable to
an impulse of self-sacrifice. Insofar,
then, it is necessary to adopt the catch
word of the Beulow school and to ‘organ
! ize disorder,’ and the only known method
> of doing so is drill. 'Individualism' pure
i and simple had certainly a brief reign dur*
» ing and after the South African war, es
i peclally in Great Britain, and both France
and Germany coquetted with ‘Boer tac
J tics' until the Russo-Japanese war
f brought military Europe back to the old
principles.”
London Dispatch in the New York
World; A new Story of the British en
counter with the Prussian Guard was told
today by a corporal of the Warwickshire
regiment who Is now at home wounded.
He said: “On the night the guard at
tacked us around Ypres it was only by
the merest chance and a bit of heroism
that we were warned in time. There
was an Irishman of the King’s Liverpool
regiment who had gone out of bounds
to visit a young woman whose home
was off the line of attacjc.
“Coming hack late he stumbled on some
Germans stealing quietly toward our po
sition. Without a thought of himself, but
only concerned for the safety of his com
rades, he dashed toward the spot where
he knew our guard to be, to give the
alarm. The Germans spotted him and a
cavalry patrol was at his heels instantly.
He had a good start, but tow'ard the end
he was hit in both legs. He got through
with the warning and is now in the hos
pital getting well. He doesn't know
whether he will get a medal or a ’wig-,
ging’ for being out of bounds, but he’s
hoping for the best.’’
London Cable to the New York Herald: |
The Herald’s naval correspondent writes: j
“The Bulwark disaster at Sheerness is
so strikingly similar to the destruction of
the Maine at Havana that the possibility
of an outside cause contributing to the
magazine explosion already Is in the
minds of the naval authorities, but from
inquiries I have made, from interview's
with persons on the spot and from talks
with the highest Officers of the royal
navy I find that so far all are agreed
that it is a mystery which will repay
the closest investigation, but which does
not offer a promise of a solution on the
scanty facts known at present, of inabil
ity to obtain access to the magazine, etc.
“The theory that the magazine was
exploded from an unknown cause but
without outside or contributory causes is
sustained by the similarity of the explo
sion with the explosions on board the
Japanese Mikasa and the French Liberte
and the Jena.
“The possibility of coal combusion must
also be considered. The curious case of
the Botterell, a British sloop, which was
blown up in the Straits of Magellan, also
is recalled, as the inquiry in this case
indicated that it was an explosion ofi
paint which was to blame.’’
MOBILE AND ALABAMA
From the Mobile Register.
The Franklin County Times of Rus
sellville, takes notice of what we are
doing down this way for Alabama, and
says:
The Mobile Register is waging a stren
uous campaign for Mobile regarding the
improvement of seaport, facilities, and en
couragement of commerce at Mobile. That
paper takes to task, and justly so. the
papers of Alabama on their indifference
to Mobile as Alabama’s greatest asset
as a port of entry. It also says that
only one Alabama paper made mention
of the fact that a big steamer loaded
in Mobile to go through the canal, the
first from this state to do so. That's
right, brother Register, get behind them
and wake them up.
The Register welcomes the Times’ help.
Other state newspapers are helping too.
We want to make it known that Mo
bile is as much Alabama as is Birming
ham, or Montgomery, Selma, Tuscaloosa,
Anniston. Dothan, Opelika. Gadsden,
Huntsville, Florence, Sheffield, Tuscum
bia or Decatur—and more; for it is the
only seaport Alabama has.
It would be imagined from the absence |
of interest in some quarters that Mobile
stood to Alabama the same as Pensacola
or Newr Orleans. It is this error we seek
to correct. We are entitled to every pa
triotic Alabamian's help, and make our
demand for it.
FRECKLES
From the Cleveland Plain Dealer.
A distinguished professor, a Johns Hop
kins man, comes out boldly in praise of
the usually slighted freckle. The pro
fessor declares that the freckle is an in
dication of good red blood, of a proper
blending of the constituents of health,
and that every freckle is, as it were, a
mottled badge of strength and vigor.
Yet freckles, from the days of Mme.
Recamier and probably long before, have
been regarded as blemishes. It may be
recalled that Charles Dickens permits one
of his characters to offer a safe and sure
recipe for removing freckles. Go up to
the fourth floor of any building with
that many floors, carefully cut out the
freckles with a sharp razor and toss them
out the window.
Lotions enough to fill reservoirs have
been sacrificed on the freckle altar—to
say nothing of mountains of cold cream
and tons of powder. And all the time the
freckle was flying the flag of health
and wigwagging its message of physical
cheer.
Yet it may be feared that despite the
professor's assurance the fight will go
on, and on. It certainly does seem a lit
tle queer that the feminine mind should
pass by the honest freckle and tolerate
and encourage the smudgy mole and the
vain and tiny court plaster.
appearances mislead
Girard, in the Philadelphia Public
Ledger.
Bret Harte wrote in one of his
stories that you couldn’t judge any
thing by appearance of his characters.
The biggest scamp had a Raphael face
the bravest man in camp was the
smallest, the surest shot had but three
fingers, and the best dressed was the
worst gambler in the state.
The same rule often works out in
real life. Nobody wrote more dry phi
losophical books than England's prize
philosopher. Lord Bacon. But one ^Jay
while ill, and without consulting any
works of reference, he dictated a vol
ume of jokes which is still the best
collection to be found in London.
When Stephen Crane wrote his “Red
Badge of Courage” old soldiers thought
the author must have gone through the
war. Just out of college. Crane had
scarcely ever heard a gun fired off, and
he w*as not born until years after Ap
pomattox.#
A 220-pound bully was making trou
ble in a Philadelphia street railway
car when a small, pleasant faced youth
remonstrated. Every one expected to
Lee the giant literally crush the young
man who had interfered. As they step
ped off the car the bully was knocked
senseless by a blow of the other's fist
—the fist of “Billy" Rocap, who then
was champion amateur lightweight
boxer of America.
I heard Bob Burdette, the funny man,
i toll how the soldiers laughted at a
|»oung fop of a cavalry officer until
they saw' him just once leading a
charge. Then they knew it was Gen
crtl Custer, and they laughted r.o more.
60 you cannot always tell what is
in a man’s head or his fist by his
personal appearance or by his previous
work.
% 4
ADRIFT WITH THE TIMES
LOOKING FORWARD.
The heart that beats In tune with life
Will never cherish sorrow,
And e’en amid misfortunes rife
Will dream about the morrow.
For all the clouds will pass away
Before the smiling sun then
And goals that seem so far today
Will easily be won then!
THE IDEA!
"The Van Trotters aeem to be highly
amused about something.’’
"There’s a great joke In their family."
"What Is it?"
"Since the war has prevented their an
nual tour of Europe, they are actually
going to Niagara Falls!’
A SLOW LEARNER.
"I fear that Jobson was not intended
to have a cooking school wife."
"And why not?"
"He’s been married two years and
hasn’t yet learned how to use a can
opener with neatness and dispatch."
STARTING TOO HIGH.
"You told me before I married you that
my slightest wish would be gratified."
"So I did, my dear, but I had no idea
at that time that your slightest wish
W'ould be a limousine."
A BLOW TO ESTHETICISM.
"What’s the matter with Professor Rig
gers Is he suffering from palsy?"
"No. He began to shudder when the
Germans first bombarded Rheims and he
hasn’t been able to stop yet."
DEALING IN LARGE NUMBERS.
The Turk lay dreaming in his tent
Of how he’d take a score of lives.
Then he rose, to war he went
And left behind a dozen wives.
ONE OF THE WORST.
“You think you have a hard job, don't #
you?" ^
“Of course I do.”
"Umph! Suppose you were the com
mander of a British battleship trying to
keep away from German submarines.”
SPRINKLED. i
I'm getting tired of rainy day a
Without a glimpse of aun;
The old umbrella that I raise
Is not a useful one.
The drops leak through, run down my
neck
And streak my patient face
And on my clothes leave spots, by heck,
That nothing will erase.
INCONSISTENT.
"The English are queer people.”
"You think so?”
"Yes. In time of peace they treated
Tommy Atkins with contempt and made
him sore, and now in time of war they
treat him with so much good liquor that
they make him drunk."
THE REASON.
Luke McLuke, of the Cincinnati En-'
quirer, recently Indulged In a bit of phi
losophy. An Indianapolis woman replied
to It to such good purpose that she made
Luke see stars and also a "great light.”
She wrote:
Dear Luke: You say that a man knows
his wife has no sense of humor because
the girl he takes out to dine always
laughs at his jokes. Well, I am a wife,
and I want to say right here that if the ^
men told us the same jokes they tell the
girls they take out to dine, we would
laugh, too. Pipe that in your put and
smoke it.—An Indianapolis Wife.
PAUL COOK.
THE OLD FIREPLACE >
From the Independence (Mo.) Examiner.
□N editorial writer on the Kansas
City Star a few days ago saw a
picture of a family gathered
about an open fireplace or dreaming
about the days of his youth on the farm
and the open fireplace in the evening,
wrote an editorial which appeared in
the leading position in the paper of Sun
day. He idealized the fireplace and the
fire and the gathering of the family and
advanced the theory that the home life
had disappeared with the coming of the
hot air register and the steam radiator.
An open fireplace does not make an old
fashioned family, neither does the mod
ern system of heating run the young folks
away from home.
Many of us are plenty old enough to
remember the big open fireplace, the
enormous amount of wood it required
to keep it going, how the cord sticks had
to be dug out of the ice ahd snow, how
it was a struggle to get the big back
log in place, how every morning the fire
had to be started over again, unless you
were cunning enough in woodcraft to
hide some coals deep enough under the
ashes to keep them until morning, how in
the early hours of the bleak days the
rooms of the house were so cold it re
quired great courage or the insistent com
mands of the head of the house to get
ypu up to make that fire. But this is
not all. It will be remembered also that
in real weather the fire from the open
side of the room baked you on one side
while the other side was frozen, and all
the day long the frost on the windows
maintained the beauty of the formation
into pictured mountains and valley undis
turbed by the heat from the burning logs.
The idealist of the open fireplace re- -
members the good times in the fall when
the cold had not yet arrived and when the
apples and nuts and the cider and per
haps the baked potatoes made the even
ing a delight. He forgets about the real
business of life when winter comes down
from the north and when the little old
airtight heater made life worth living 1
after it was invented. Yes, there is lots
of poetry about an open fireplace and wa
all cling to the Ideals sufficiently to
have at least one built in every modern
home. It is useful to furnish the blaza
and the ventilation when the furnace is
on the job doing the heating. It is not
likely that the modern family of boys
and girls would stay at home nights any\
closer nowadays If the houses had theV
open fireplace system. ,
The family life has not disappeared in
this country. The home and family, the
evening worship, the love and accord of
each member of the home circle, de
pends not on the open fireplace, the hot
air register or the steam radiator. It is“~
in the hearts of those who make the*
home, in the wisdom of the father and
the motherland the raising of the chil
dren. I can take you to real homes in
Missouri today, real family circles where
every room in the house is used every
day and where the home would be per
fect If the house were a cabin. And al
ways when you find this home you find
that every members of the family is buss*
has tasks to dispose o£% every day and
has a pride in the work being done.
There are no homes Where the family is
an idle one and where the servants rule,'*
the house. The home is not in the open'
fireplace, my good friend, it is In tha
hearts of the home makers.
MARK TWAIN’S MEMORY
From an article by Mark Twain, published
for the first time in Harper's Maguzlne
for December.
DATES are hard to remember be
cause they consist of figures; fig
ures are monotonously unstriking
in appearance, and they don't take hold,
they form no pictures, and so they give
the eye no chance to help. Pictures are
the thing. Pictures can make dates slick.
They can make nearly anything stick—
particularly if you make the pictures
yourself. Indeed, that is the great point
make the pictures yourself. I know
about this form of experience. Thirty
years ago 1 was delivering a memorized
lecture every night, and every night 1
had to help myself with a page of notes
to keep from getting myself mixed. The
notes consisted of beginnings of sentences,
and were eleven in number, and they ran
something like this:
"In that region the weather-"
"At that time it was a custom-"
“But in California one never heard-”
Eleven of them. They initialed the
brief divisions of the lecture and pro
tected me against skipping. But they all
looked about alike on the page; they
formed no picture; I had them by heart,
but l could never with, certainty remem
ber tlie order of their suecesaion; there
fore I always had to yeep those notes by
fii.m hkho feels the part
From the New York Sun.
"I have been mixed up with hero stunts
in the making -of photoplays until I
really feel I am one,” said a member of
a film company. "Of course, all have
heard the old story of the actorB who
say they feel themselves to be a certain
character because they have played the
part so long, but where is there an ac
tion of the Indoor stage that equals that
of the great stage of nature, in the broad
open?
"For Instance, a man may say he feels
he Is Othello, or Macbeth, or Romeo, but
where are the trimmings to help sup
port the illusion—or delusion? Now, in
my case I have been cast in fully 50
photoplays that have a cowboy environ
ment. I have not been the star, but I
have had to do a lot side by side with
stars. There's no make believe about it.
I have had to ride hard and ride pretty
feet. I could always ride a little, but I
have Improved through the film plays,
beyond all question.
"I've had to mount hurriedly and
scurry away at a pretty good clip. I’ve
had to learn how to make a pretty fair
fall from the saddle while the horse was
under way. I’ve had to ride through
real water right up to my knees. I’ve had
to take a few chances with a houae that
was really burned; not desperate chances,
but enough to give the blood a tingle.
. ■ ■ v*'
me and look at them every little while.
Once I mislaid them; you will not be
able to Imagine the terrors of that even
ing. I now saw that I must invent some,
other protection. So I got 10 of the initial N
letters by heart In their proper order—
I. A, B and so on—and I went on the plat
form the next night with these marked in
ink on my ten finger nails. But it flf'nt
answer. I kept track of the lingers for
a while, then I lost it .and after that I
was never quite sure which linger 1 had
used last. I couldn't lick off a letter after
using it, for while that would have mad*
success certain, it would also have pro
voked too much curiosity. There waa
curiosity enough without that. To the,
audience I seemed more interested In my ^
linger nails than I was In my subject.
One or two persons asked me afterward
what was the matter with my hands.
it was now that the Idea of picture*
occurred to me; then my troubles passed
away. In two minutes I made six pic
tures with a pen, and they did the work
of the eleven catch sentences, and did it
perfectly. '1 threw the pictures away as
soon as they were made, for 1 was sure
I could shut my eyes and see them any
time. That was a quarter of a century
ago; the lecture vanished out of m.v head
more than 30 years ago, but I could re
write it from the pictures—for they re
main. /
WMWWWWWItWHmM»WWW„tM|w„„„|| *
"It's the open air that does it. When
I’ve helped rescue the girl who was be
ing carried away by the bandit astride
the racing horse, the air was good to me.
I felt distinctly herolike. I think I
breathed like a hero. The atmosphere
that the playwright says is In his play
indoors is for a fact in the play out
doors. ami those who take part in It l
are Influenced accordingly.''
SHOULD IOT HE OVERLOOKED 1
From the Washington Star.
A man and his wife in a little back room, I
Who hadn't an oil stove to
gloom.
Whose children were learning to
a sob
The reason why father was out of
Beheld from the window a well
dray with gifts for the sufferers
far away.
“I am tempted," the woman
with a moan.
“To wi»h ourselves there, where
want I* well known.”
A generous thrill sets the heart all
For the *orrowe of people we never
know.
Like astronomers ■ chin star*
away.
Regardless of earth and our own
day.
The distant and strange would
understand,
Regardless of problems that He close
hand—
For Instance, those folks
room.
Who shiver and
^ gloom.
i (\

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