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BIRMINGHAM AGE-HE RALD - .... T ' - ^ VOLUME XXXXIV -■ ■ . ■ i —-*-1 BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA, SUNDAY, DECEMBER 6, 1914 MAGAZINE SECTION NUMBER 2U Burney, Switzurland USTUR EDDITUR: It is sentainly sum releef to rest quietly in a plase absolutely free frum war, that is in all cases exsept taxes. I concluded in ordur to get a little reckreasion and quiet that I would try gum of Switzurland's sel lebrated brand of newtrallity. It is grate. Switzurland is a little country sand wiched between varius and sundry brands of Uropean hostilities. It is not a large pountry, hardly big as an avverage Con gressionel district in the United States, but it t is extreemly theere. Switzurland has two claims to disticksion, both of which wurks all the time. The furst is hur seenery which is sublime and expensive, and the utlier is hur cheese which is dittow. A traveller can live fop months at a time on Switzurland seenery and cheese. The cheese is full of holes like a porus plastur, so is the seenery; skattured ovver the seenery in rich confusion air sevverel dif ferent varieties of goats. Switzurland has probabully moor goats than theere air in the Republieon party, and almost as menny different brands. The goats produse the cheese, but the flavor is carefully extract ed before the cheese is plased upon the market. All kinds of goats flurrish in Switzurland. The long horned K. of P. goat with a huge bunch of alfalfa on his chin and an aromur like a culured piek nick, and the gazelle eyed Nanny Goat with two little goatletts, and a but like a pile drivvur air evvery wheere in evviddense. The goats rome ovver the rock landskape and snow cowered peeks leeping frum crag to crag as nimbly as a progressive canqydate, now and then finding a blade of grass, or a discarded oughtomobile tire which they regard as a grate luxury. At the hotels: one is fed on cheese and goat ‘ stakes and chops. They take the chops off the horns of a discarded goat who has out livved his usefulness. A hungry tourrist can naw on one of theese chops and enjoy the seenery at the same time, if he is enny kind of a fillossafur. Switzurland has a large standing army comparatively specking. On this account and becawse of hur unsettled topografv Switzurland’s newtrallity lias been re fipeckted. Switzurland’s standing army air all expurt shots, too, they carry on tar , practise at the expense of the publick all the time. They use theere cheese as targets. That accounts for the large num ber of irreguler holes in the cheese. They make absolutely no reducsion in prise for the holes, but charge you an addisional sum for them becawse of theere picturesk neSfl. That is one of the best things the* Swjss do is charge for pictureskness. If it wafen’t for pictureskness Switzurland ■tfOuldn’t ammount to a wart on a dill pickle. Theere cheese and scenery air b6th that way. So they shoot at the cheese becawse it is cheepur to do so. Theere seenery is too expensive to shoot ft; besides that they air mostly using it for commursial purposes. The Alps, air in Switzurland and they take ur> quite a good deel of room. Toeeth i er with the Alps, the seenery, the goats, ............... L and hur newtrallitv, Switzurland is pretty well filled up, but she always finds room to crowd a few tourrists and keep them long enuff sampling hur expinsive brand of hospitallitv to finelly send them away with tlieere bank accounts resembling that of an outspoken clurgiman. Napolion onse crossed the Alps with his army, but it is sed that he always regretted it. The prac tise of crossing the Alps with large armies has not maid a big hit, and is no longur in dulged in yyf At the hotel lieer I have met sevverel in turresting characturs. One or two Eng lislimin who air ovver lieer for theere helth, feeling in need of a change of seen, and also sevverel Gnrmans, Frinchmen, and uther varieties. An Englishman I met, Sur Lonsellot (pronmmsed Bill) Doolittul Chumpley (pronounsed Jones) took me entirely into his coufidense and told me just what the United States mite expeckt if Gurmany won the war. “Hif Gurmenny wins,” ho sod, “Hit moons that the Munrow Docktrin \yill be shot has full of olos has this cheese.” Hav ving imparted this infurmasion he leaned back and give it time to soke into my sys tim. “This his han hatrossius war,” he continued. “The Hunited States bought to protest hagainst the huse of bumbs That’s the reesun I am eer,” he sed. “My doctur told me that bumbs dropped frum han haeeroplane would be injurus to my dedicate oalth. The practise of dropping bumbs,” he sed, “by the Bulliggurints is hagninst sivvelized warfare. Hit is free ly indulged in by nil the Nasious at war,” lie pointed out, “exsept Grate Brvtan, Franse, Belgium, Rushia, day pan, Survia, Austrya and Turkey, so you see it is prac tically hunanniiuus,” he sed with a wink. “Henglaud is the only freud the Hunited States as ovver heer,” lie told me. “We stood by while the Hunited States licked Spaue, not givving a dam,” lie pointed out. “Hit Gurmenny wins site will take the Pannerma cannal and the San Fran siscow Exposision and devower all your prinsipul cities and wipe hur teeth with the Monrow Docktrin, old Top, surstaiu as we live. * ’ This gave me much food for thought. So when the Gurman gentuleman cum round to talk it ovver with me, I was cold and ir responsive at furst. I looked upon him with suspission, hut he soon eonvinsed me that as a mattur of fact Gurmenny was reely fiting our battles for us. Reely if Tt. had not been for the purpose of keeping Englind and Jaypan off us, Gurmenny mite not have gone to war at all. “Can’d you see dat do Brittish Jaypaneese allvause is vatel to de United States?” asked my Gurman frond booming at me ovver a peese of Swiss Cheese and a mug of Hoffbrow. “We haf seen dat in Gurmenny for veers, and we resinted it. Jaypan wants to con trol the Basiffick, and she wants Englind’s Navy to help hurt-, so we air thinning sed navy down to a stand so the United States can hold hur own.” The Frinchmin then told me that the Re publick of I'ranse was fiting for freedum and cousiquintly the United States, for we represinted freedum as illustrated by the Slandered Oil Company and Organmzett labtir. So theere you air. Before I got rid of all theese fellows I felt under obligasi-ons to the lot. It reely appeers that if it had not been for onr protectsion and for the maintanense of our liburty, theere wouldn’t have been enny Uropoan war at all. So I guess the best tiling we can do is just what wo air doing, saw wood and put our faith in the extreem dampness of the Atlantiek and the Pasiffick. Theere seems to be the impression ovver beer nmung all our frends that it would be pretty soft for enny of them to cunt rite ovver to America and mop up with us in an extreem ly hurried and abrupt mannur. But cents they air fiting our battles ovver heer it seems absurd to evven think of enny of them doing it, besides that it’s a good long ways to swim baek home. Enny how its easy to keep out of a fuss with one’s Naybors so long as you don’t live in the same apartmint house and air compelled to listen to theere Vicktroller all the time. Theere’s not much dangur in us going to War with Urope or enny Uropeean power, if we’ll mind our bizness and at the same time keep a gun handy in ease of eventual lities. Onr main bizness should be to sell them onr stuff at n reesunabull profitt of about 100 per sent, and keep our powder dry and a few field bands in practise as to how to use it. and evverv thing will be pretty. Your troolv, BILL VINES. UP AND DOWN BROADWAY—By Allen Griffin Johnson_ SEW YORK, December 6.—(Spe cial.)—There are more methods of conducting war ware than with shot and shell, mcno I planes and mittrailuses, bombs and bayonets, Zeppelins and Z-lOs— \ there is the method of creating sympathy by word of mouth and arous | lng antagonism after the same fashion. Even upon the sanguined fields and gore ■ tinted rivers of Europe there is no greater evidence of warfare.«just now than there is in the heart of Manhattan, if the ver bal guns may take rank with those which detonate more loudly and deal more death. i ®ver since the war began the sons of i the motherland, the fatherland and other uncivilized countries now engaged in bat tle have made it their practice to congre gate on Times Square for a certain length cf time each day and there benane ora tors who sway, critics who convince, and debaters who defeat all comers. Mo: t of them are able to give pplacsible reasons for remaining in a peaceful land, and all of them are well supplied with arguments showing clearly Just why the country they \bail from Is sure to be a victor in the ^present strife. In fact, Times Square has become a sort Of Hyde park, and he.Wtio can win atten tion cag enjoy all thfe delight? known to the orator. They have many ways of at tracting this much-to^be-desired attention and have even resorted to tears. One man, for Instance, standing in front of the bulletin board, will buret into sobs as the ftnnounetmeat of a defeat to ble people le shown. The sobs win him sympathy at the outset and in a few moments he is launched into a speech to which many are paying rapt attention. Another will read the latest bulletin and appear to go madder than a football player taken out of the game injured. He will raise his voice above the voices of all others and tell every one within ear shot about the injustice done to his native lund. Just why there is not real blood shed in these daily gatherings is still something of a mystery, though the unin viting confines of the tombs, and the pres ence of the six-foot guardians of the peace in Times Square may have something to do with it. However that may be, it sel dom gets to blows, but the words fly thicker ami faster than dumdums, and the meVi who Are them appear to have source's of Information that put the news paper services to aha#ie, so often and so flatly do they contradict reports printed upon the moving bulletin boards. After all. creating sympathy plays*its part in warfare, and these orators are serving their countries in a waj at least. There is a fascination about these gath erings for many people—no less a person age than the President of the United States was attracted by one of them on a receipt visit here, and stopped to hear what on~ of the. speakers had to say As time passes interest seems to In crease. even as. does congestion. New or ntors appear from time to time, but the old speakers continue to come back dally with new orations and arguments. After all. what real knowledge of the war can we hope to obtain from the deleted new* paper accounts, the garbled reports of correspondents kept many miles from the scenes of conflict, and the directly con tradictory official communiques? But here in Times Square one can get a real line on things and learn not only who Is realy wining today, but who will win out eventually. These men (yfs, and women, too, at times) have no fear of censors, and as for time and actual developments proving them In error, they should fret, since they have little or nothing to lose the one way or the other. Besides, the war is still at Its height (or is It depth?) and the end Is not in sight. And so the merry war of words goe.'i on from day to day; rignt or wrong, the ver bal shots are fired fearlessly, for from Times Square, as these orators well know, it is "u long, long way to Tipperary.” THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT. When you’re resting in the gloaming, And the day’s hard tasks are done; When your fancy, idly roaming, I^eadn you out in mem'ry's sun, And you follow, idly straying. You have harkened, have you not. To a tender voice saying, "Think ye of your brother^ lot?” As you sit alone, contented With the labor you have done; With <*itastrophes prevented,* » And with vlct’ries you have won. Have you felt soft fingers closing ’Round your heart, then heard the voice: "Be not thus eon tent reposing— Help your brother to rejoice.** Or, perhaps, yourself in sorrow, You have heard the voice say, "Go thou forth, nor wait the morrow; Let thine anguish pave the way To another heart now bleeding; Go thou forth, be nothing loath; If ear its anguished moan and, heeding, Find a solace, sweet, for both,” Have you heard it? Ah, then head it, 'Tls the Christmas spirit’s plea, And it speaks to all who need it, As It does to you and me; It is heaven born and thrilling With the grace of God above. As His purpose 'tls fulfilling, For It Is the voice of Love. Harry Payne Whitney has Just com pleted a $6.000,000 residence here—war is certainly playing havoc with financial conditions in this country. Since the recent parade of the New York street cleaning department forcie, the press of this city has changed Its tone, and been high in Its praise of this department —as an ornament to the city. Now that we have "safety zones" on the street4*, you can go out and stand in the middle of Broadway and laugh Jeer ingly at the chauffeurs. Of course, you uiay g*t killed, but you will have the sat isfaction of knowing that You were en tirely within your rights. Didn’t know it -before, but have Just learned that we have too many theatres. As a result of this fadt, three of the "legitimate" houses have turned them selves Into regular “movies’* this week. These theatres are the CaBino, the New York and the Thirty-ninth street. These will constitute ar; addition of three to the “movie” field here, but, of course, as we have only a few million, more or less, the additions will be welcomed and cer tainly prosperous. CHRISTMAS THEN AND NOW Mellow firelight softly glowIng-^Chrlst mas very near at hand— Come, we’ll tread the dreamland pathway back to childhood’s fairy land: I remember. T remember, and how sweet the mem’ries seem, When T looked and longed for Santa, king of childhood’s fairest dream; Presents rich and rare he'd bring me, candles, fruits and toys galore, And of nge he asked no service, save that I’d be bad no more. ■With rhy eyes soft closed for slumber, un der some sweet fairy’s spell, Seemed as if I heard the tinkle of each prancing reindeer's bell; And when crimsoned daylight’s dawning wakened me as with a kiss. There were little tojs around me—Just mere toys—and perfect bliss; Little gifts of tin and tinsel, glitt’rlng in the dawn’s bright gleam, Made my heart heat wild with pleasure— realized my fondest dream— Rut the days passed swirtlv by me— Christmas faded—Santa, too, And, my broken toys forgotten, childhood sought some fancy new; Dear old transient dreams and visions! How I linger o’er them now, While the gentle bands of mem’ry smooth the furrows from my brow: Yet have l another pleasure, when the yu’.etlde season's night. Though I hope for naught from Santa— know that he will pass me by— For, beneath the curling smoke wreaths, sits a youngster on my knee, And his rosy cheeks are dimpled, as he gasses up at me. And enumerates the presents that old .Santa Claus must bring; And he’ll bring them. Hanta ll bring them, ev’ry little, tinseled thing That his baby Ups could ask for, or his childish heart desire, Ev’ry little toy treasure to which baby m hopes aspire. For old Santa’s heart Is tender, and his baby’s wish Is law— Though ’twefe icy' cold to others, at his baby’s touch ’twould thaw— In those blue eves lies his heaven, or his hell of grief and w'oe, For I’m Santa to my baby, and old’Santa ought to know— So we’ll tread the dreamland pathway , hack from yesterday to now, And we’ll face the present smiling, though time furrowed be the brow. Dreams a while entrance and hold me, but that charming little elf Makes mo feel ’tin even sweeter to be Santa Claus myself. It is claimed that there Is an electrical system ill use on the subway which com pels trains to stop when they get within abdbt a block of each other, yet we had k recent rear-end collision. However, perhaps fl^one made a study of these lit tle things he would understand the com :» i.i: . patiblllty of those two things -the state ment and the collision. New York city will pay 93.QUM.QUO to sub way contractors next year. It is argued that no chances are being taken on ac count of a possible war—if th*' clt£ Is at tacked the subways can used for trenches. Girl claimed a man pinched her arm In an L train the other day Man said he didn't, that he had “better taste.” Judge looked the girl over and let the man go. We don’t have “tug da>” in New York, but on Thanksgiving Day all children dfess themselves in “ragamuffin'’ cos tumes and beg for pennies. Every one accosted Is expected to donate, ami there are quite a few children here. If you fail to appear on the streets they ring your apartment door hell, and the pennies must be forthcoming just the same. There are now no less than six big murder and bomb mysteries before the police of New York city, and none has been even partly solved. War is prob ably responsible in this Instance, too. How can the police force keep up or catch up. with these offenders and also keep up with the war news? Jumpod over to Philadelphia to see the army-navy game, and noticed that even the presence of the West Pointers In gray failed to bring forth any applause when the arrgy band played Dixie—get, but it t lonesome up here!