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E. W. BAHHETT.Etilloi Lnteied al Hie Biruungu&m, Ala. postoffice as second class matter uodei act o£ Congress March 3. 1879. Daily and Sunday Age-Herald.... Daily and Sunday, per month.... .7( Daily and Sunday, three months.. 2.0v Weekly Age-Herald, per annum... Sunday Age-Herald. 2.0* A. J. Eaton, Jr., and O. K. Young ar« the only authorized traveling repre sen tali ves of The Age-Herald in Its cir culation department. No communication will be published without its author's name. Kejectsd manuscript will not be returned unless stamps are enclosed for that purpose, Remittances can be made at current rate of exchange. The Age-Herald will not be responsible for money sent through the mails. Address, THE AGE-HERALD, Birmingham, Ala. Washington bureau, 207 lllbbs build ing. European bureau, 6 Henrietta street, Covent Garden, London. Eastern business office. Rooms 48 1*7 00, inclusive. Tribune building. New York city; western business office, Tribune building, Chicago. The c>. C. Beckwith Special Agency, agents for eign advertising. TELEPHONE Bell (private oxonangc connecting nil department*) Main 41)00. How many fond fool* nerve mnd Jeal ousy! —Comedy of Error*. BEGINNING THE DAY—What mcnsitKe lin*t Thou for me, today, my Fatherf I Mould Incline mine ear unto Thee and lienr Thy word. Speak to me In the *ccrc( place* of my heart. Show me Thy will through the experience* of till* day. I wait on Thee, for In Thee I live, and out of Thee I die. Amen.—II. M. E. Enlightened - Missouri Bills for improving Missouri dogs Arc being viewed favorably by the leg islature of that state, justly farued as the “houn’ dawg” state. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch wants to know why some attention is not paid to the cats of Missouri. The question is a pertinent one and might be consdered by other legislators besides those in Missouri. For instance, if the “solons” of Alabama would devote some of their time to “cat and dog” legislation, instead of devoting all of it to perpetuating a state-wide “drouth,” they would win the regard ol' a great many people who now hold them in little esteem. Alabama does not need a state cat tery. as proposed in Missouri. At least, nothing of the sort should be established until our educational sys tem is improved and certain other backward tendencies of the state are corrected, so that eastern newspapers will have to choose some other com monwealth to use as a “horrible ex ample.” However, both the cat and the dog are destined to be with us more or less permanently and attention is be ing paid to these four-footed friends of man by farsighted legislators. It is proposed in Missouri that the own ers of dogs pay a yearly license of $1 inch and that a third of the receipts be devoted to state kennels where su perior breeds of dogs may be devel oped, eliminating in the course of time curs of low degree. New Jersey is figuring on a eat tax of $1 a year, per capita, which would doubtless re sult in a quick reduction in the un necessary cat population. No person in his right mind would pay a tax on r cat that he did not deem necessary to his welfare and happiness. Recourse to deep water, chloroform and other means of snuffing out eat life would be extensively made, with the re sult that only such cats as were in a sense worthy to live would survive. State kennels and state catteries are not vital to the future of any state, but in a welter of “freak legislation” laws of this kind would be preferred to extreme measures directed against the “liberty and happiness” of citi zens by legislators in Kansas, Ala bama and other states. New York to Have a Revival It is generally agreed among the Protestant pastors of New York that a revival of religion is greatly needed in that city and a discussion is now in progress as to organization and campaign methods. Many prominent ministers desire to have Billy Sunday as the central figure, but not a few want to see a revival with Mr. Sunday left out. The Rev. Charles W. Welch, pastor of the Park Avenue Presbyterian church, believes there are ministers in New York able and ready “to in augurate and carry to a successful issue such a revival as would pene trate to every corner of this city,” and he believes this could be done “without the assistance of Billy Sun day or any other imported agency.” “Of course, we need a revival of re ligion both within and without the churches,” continued Mr. Welch. “A member of the committee which ar ranged Mr. Sunday’s advent into Phil adelphia said the other day that a re vival was already in progress in Philadelphia before Mr. Sunday ar rived.” , Mr. Welch suggested as leaders for a city-wide revival Dr. Jowett and Dr. Goodell, both noted divines and popu lar pulpit orators. Last Sunday sev | eral New York pastors spoke of the proposed revival and referred in glow ing terms to the Rev. Sunday. The Rev. Christian F. Reisner, pas tor of Grace Methodist Episcopal church, was of the opinion that Sun day would bring the most abundant fruitage in New York that one man ever gathered. He said: “Smug religionists are positive that Billy Sunday can be successful every where else and yet fail here. That settles some church workers into ex cused loafing. Our churches have gone to seed on rhetorical sermons and ‘quartet’ music. New Yorkers respond to straight from the shoulder Gospel preaching as readily as any people on earth. “Too many churches have become bloodless machines through orderli ness. When Billy calls folks mutts, lobsters and tells them to beat it, the sleep rhythm is broken. Results show that his language carries conviction to the hearts of the people. That is all language is for anyway.” Mr. Welch in protesting that Sun day was not a grafter told of some of the revivalist’s large charities. In all big cities sentiment will be found divided on such questions as whether or not outside “talent,” so to speak, should be secured for nonsec tarian revivals, but the majority usu ally decides in favor of the revival specialist. Billy Sunday will be invited to New' York and virtually all the evangelical churches will unite in supporting his ' work while there. Germany’s Position Revealed The explanation by Germany of her ' purpose in declaring the submarine blockade on England is the most sjg- i nificant communication from the war - zone since the beginning of hostilities. > In the course of the note to the 1 German naval attache at Washington 1 occurs this passage: Since the shuttlnn off or food 1 supplies had now come to a point 1 where Germany no longer had suf- t fieient food to feed her people, it 1 became necessary to bring England , to terms through force. ' How significant this admission is, - is easily apparent. Despite the as- t sections that Germany had enough t food at hand for a year scarcely six l months after August the need has be- 1 come so direful that she is forced to 1 confess it to the world. It is the first 1 confession of weakness from the Ger- * mans and inexorable indeed must have been the pressure that forced it. This reveals where the British fleet has been and how efficacious has been the blockade undertaken by England ' at the beginning of the war. The whole weight of the British empire , has been ‘resting on the neck of the t German people. England will not accede to Ger many’s proposal to permit foodstuffs * to enter. As well ask a cardplayer r to discard the ace of trumps. On the t contrary, England will tighten her grip on the Teuton throat, nor will it be relaxed until the dove of peace 1 has settled on stricken Europe. That this will be costly is not to be ( denied. Germany can and doubtless will work havoc with British shipping, but that by the use of submarines she 1 can seriously disarrange the food J supply of the United Kingdom is hardly to be believed. The English blockade of the German coast will be H much more effective than the German a efforts and the latter is destined to ° learn this to her cost. - ■ ■■ 1 = t Making the Farm Attractive p 1 he public schools of Alabama will a observe one day in March as “Better Farming Day." i i The crop diversification campaign 4 which has aroused a high degree of s enthusiasm throughout the state will result in more profitable farming and c better living conditions. Diversifica- 41 tion in the long run will add greatly to the net income of the farmer. The v problems involved in diversification h will be worked out successfully with the aid of experts provided by the s government, the agricultural imple- n ment manufacturers, the state com missioner of agriculture and the „ Polytechnic institute at Auburn; but v every practical suggestion from any source for bettering farm conditions b will be welcomed by every husband man and every one interested in or ganized effort for increased produc tion per acre. In setting aside a day as “Better g Farming Day,” March 12, State Su perintendent of Education W. F. 11 Feagin has done a good thing, and in a bulletin sent to the teachers of Ala- F bama he urges a general celebration „ in the public schools. Mr. Feagin asks for a “suggested programme” which *' shall include discussion of improved n farming methods—methods whereby ( the earning capacity of the tiller of the soil may be increased. s For many years past there has been „ a steady tide of population from the country to the city. The rapid growth of large cities at the expense of the rural districts has been widely dis cussed by statistician^ political econ omists and sociologists, to say noth- )' ing of the plain business man and the average farmer. Most boys raised on “ a farm and sent to college have, after graduation, settled either in a large ” city or in a manufacturing district, y C Country bred young men enter ing upon professional careers have, as a rule, sought great urban centers for their work in life, leaving the “old man” and one or two of the boys to run the farm in the old fashion way as best they could. The depletion of the rural population has been regarded as a very serious matter. The cities have been over crowded, while the farming sections have been much neglected, but recent movements looking to better farm con ditions will change the situation. No business calls for more brains 02* more education than agriculture. V oung men of liberal education are seeded in the cities, of course, and al ways will be; but they are needed just ns much on the farm. It need be no surprise, therefore, if within the next ten years a decided drift is seen from the city to the country. There is a splendid future for farm ing in the south. Much progress in agriculture has been made in recent fears, but scientific farming is yet in its infancy. As for the social side jf rural life, it grows more and more attractive every year. To many cul .ured minds it is distinctly alluring. Jood roads, daily free delivery of mail, •he automobile, the long distance tele )hone, and good schools at every toss roads will advance farm life to i high level from every social aspect. Alabama is having the good roads, he rural free delivery, the auto and he telephone, and in time it will have i good school in every precinct. State Superintendent of Education Feagin’s ‘Better Farming Day” will have a stimulating effect on the mind of the 'oung and good fruit will be borne. a— . a . The New York state factory investiga ion commission has been investigating /ages in four low-paid industries—con cctlonery, shirts, paper boxes and retail tores. The commission lias published a eport based on the data it has collected nd lias recommended minimum wage leg ation. Of more than 90,000 persons whose weekly wages were recorded, more than hree-fifths of the male workers receive •ss than $15 a week when working full ime and more than three-fourths of the /omen and girls receive less than $10 a /eek. In the stores the mules get less ban $14 a week on an average and half he females less than $7.50. In shirt and ox factories half tlie male: receive less ban $12 a week and half the females less han $0.50 a week. In the confectionery usiimss wages are shown to be less than II a week for half the males and below 3 for half the females. More than 7000 fe lales employed in different industries get "ss than $5 per week. Noting the stringent prohibition law re ently passed by the state legislature, the leveland Plain Dealer wants to know ■hat people in Alabama will do in case f ague. They'll just have to shake. Bit e does a hard-hearted legislature care. Boots that lace on the inside are one of lie new freaks of fashion, also walking Licks for women with a handle that rep ?sents a shapely leg. Both are calculated ) make the men look longer. “Business” at Monte Carlo is said to be oor. The same thing might be said of . mny other enterprises more entitled to onaideration than the Caelao at Monte arlo. • Maybe the rubber found in those cot »n bales consigned to Genoa was only ut there to make them bounce and thus ghten the labors of stevedores. If Germany is willing to make conces ons, provided England does, why not gree to stop fighting and lift a burden ff the whole world? A Detroit doctor says there's no such ling as colic. Talks as if he might be aving the way for an appendicitis oper tion. Professor Taft says he Is acking Pres lent Wilson's war policy. Naturally, lat puts T. R. more or less on the other ide. i Sluggers attacked a man in Chicago's 1 ty hall. They must have had great con- ( denee in the “ruling powers.” • If this country should blunder into a \ ar with Germany what w !d 20,000,000 ^phenated Americans do? A New York Chinaman who W'ore a teel shirt was evidently a prominent iember of a tong. Judging front recent remarks of British atesmen, England is about to make ar in earnest. It is no longer considered “bad form” to i seen in one of Belgium’s “soup lines.” The milk of human kindness is curdled i people who send comic valentines. People with foresight are already be nning to inspect their fly swatters. Some citizens of the state wouldn’t care the legislature never met again. J’OINTED PAHAUIIAPHS rom the Chicago News. No man favors expansion—of his bald >ot. But a girl never thinks she is too young ; > marry. A wise youth passes up the doll and arries a girl who can broil a steak. You may learn something by trying to ach an old dog some new tricks. Any old thing that goes against the 1 ain of a porcupine gets the worst of it. Every time a man picks up a few cents’ 1 orth of experience he drops a dollar. Although women are great bargain unters, a cheap man appeals to none of lent. Handsome is as handsome does, and the t uidsome woman usually does as she ( eases. Cats certainly have their divinely ap- J Jinted use in this world, but as vocalists 1 icy are failures. Occasionally a fool man marries a worn- J i because she has more sense tjian he < is -and he is never allowed to forget It. j At the age of three score and ten a an may realize how little he knows—al- • tough his wile could have told him many 1 :*ia earlier. < IN HOTEL LOBBIES Building Operations In the Spring "There has been comparatively little activity in the building trades this win ter, in Birmingham and elsewhere, but I expect to see considerable briskness very soon," said Charles M. Allen, th" contractor. "X have had many inquiries recently about the cost of construction —inquiries from men who intend to build; and I suppose other contractors I are having similar Inquiries. "Anyone who purposes to build a store or a dwelling will find th‘s the time of all others to award contracts; for material is cheaper now and labor is more plentiful than it will be next summer." Ilomeseekers kettle In Alnhnmn "The crop diversification campaign is ono of the greatest enterprises that has ever been undertaken for the up building of this state," said IV. N. Malone. "Splendid results will fellow. The campaign will prove not only a good thing for the farmer, but it is impressing upon the business men of the cities the fact that as thrives the farmer so thrives the merchant and manufacturer. Everybody knows that all wealth comes out of the ground, huh. many men have failed to appreciate the importance of co-operation between the cities and the rural districts. "Thousands of homeseekers irom ether states have settled in Alabama within the past few years, but the tide of desirable farm settlers will he much greater from now on, for the crop di versification campaign is an excellent advertisement for Alabama. It may bo of interest to know that within the last 10 years something like 60o fam ilies from the north or west have set tled in Limestone county alone. It should not be long before homeseekers are coming to this state by the thou sands." Horseback Killing for Health “The time is coming when doctors will prescribe horseback riding as a treatment for the bad livers of good livers, who ride In automohlVes, but do not take enough exercise walking or otherwise." said a man in middle life. "Take it from me, that of all the things I have tried for a sluggish, tor pld liver, a hors back ride—not one but several—will bring happier results than any physic. Not only that, but it is an excellent tonic for ‘nerves' as a very common ailing in business and social life is known. "The exportation of thousands of horses for use in the European war will greatly advance the price of good horses, and even plugs will relatively fell the results of exhausting our sup ply of first-class animals, as i. will come to be a Hobson’s choice, 'you'll have to take what we have,’ for many purposes. "And saddles and bridles are much higher, even the 'government' stores stocks' are held much higher by deal ers who purchase at government sales l am told by a local dealer." Business Outlook Gootl "There has been some Improvement in business recently, and the sentiment is decidedly better,” said Fred Liimmick. formerly of Birmingham, but now of Philadelphia. Many prominent manufacturers are en ■ouraged to think that their nlunts will ie very busy In the spring and summer. Every one 1 meet seems to feel that busi icss struck low water mark last fall. Conditions have certainly been better since the first of the year, and there is svery sign that an era of great prosperity Mil begin in the near future." Observance of Lent "While only certain churches observe jent. I find that many members of the ■hurdles not recognizing the ecclesiastical ear ‘fall in line' to some extent and Ttinimize at least their social activities." aid a clubman. "Fashionable society is always quiet on Ish Wednesday, and more or less sub lued during the entire Lenten season.” Telephone Manners "The telephone has certainly become i most important factor In cosmopol tan life.” remarked a business man, ’ md each year its use becomes more ■aided and extended. "This public utility is indeed a oless ng to the business man and to the iome, and all progressive communl ies appreciate its service. But like ill modern improvements it is some what complex; and patience and intel igence are required for its effective iperation. "Heads of business concerns who viBh their organizations to .mcome tally efficient should make sui-e that ■veryone, from the foreman to the of lce boy, acquires the knack of answer ng the telephone in a satisfactory man >er. In fact, I believe that telephone ourtesy shows to better advantage in ho business world than any oilier nc omplishment that may be acquired, fhe volume of business done in this nanner certainly justiltes extra effort n acquiring a pleasing style of teli ■hone use. Indeed, I oclieve good tel ■phone manners of employes is one of he best assets that uny business or janization can have," A GONER Elizabeth C. Walson in The Survey. Maria was standing by her cell door Mien we passed down the corridor of the irlson. We stopped to speak with her. •Yes, I got 21 days," said Marla, dully. Dnce you get Into this life you got to lave the nerve to see it through to the ■nd—the Island and all the rest of it. The Ife ain’t so easy, either. I'eople think it's lasy. I tell you it ain't. How long have l been in it? A little over four years. When 1 first came from Austria I earned 16 a week on the shirtwaists, not much :o sleep and eat on in New York. Still we could get by on that, three of us to gether in one room, If we had it all the ime. But the machine d break down, or :he power'd give out, and the girls go iome and lose that day and maybe an ither, and no pay. Then there was the ilack season and sometimes no work for weeks, and some of the bosses were lercc too—and the work! Say, you Just worked so hard you went home at night ind fell Hat on the bed, too tired to eat i bit of supper. “Once the girls made a strike so as they leedn't kill themselves working for such ittle money. I never went back after tat strike; I took to this. “Sometimes I want to chuck it. But rou can't. Once you get into it you're [ goner sure. Nobody wants a girl as has ieen in this life. Suppose you did get i job. Somebody'd see you, that's plain is mud. And then you know this life, it's -It’s—it’s kind of sport. There’s always omethlng doing. When 1 sewed shlrt vaisls them fouf years, I'was dead all the line. Never saw anything or anybody; ust worked, worked. Worked, all the ime. l felt like an old woman—and me inly 22 now l" i • New York World: As a spectacle the; raid byr 34 British airships on the German bases near the Belgian coast was magnifi cent. Measured by the material damage inflicted upon the enemy, it had, as a military operation, no more value than previous excursions by' German fly'ing men over English coast tow'ns. It is not by picturesque performances of this kind that armies are defeated and wars de cided. When German aviators sallied over Dover and dropped bombs on Yarmouth they accomplished nothing worth while. A few helpless civilians were killed with out changing the course of the war in a single detail. At an early period in the war it was the practice of the Germans to make daily dashes over Paris and the children who gathered in the streets to watch their flight were disappointed If the enemy aviators failed to appear at the usual hour In the afternoon and drop bombs. The women and children who were killed by chance bombs added neither to the glory nor progress of the German army on the Aisne. Even if the British squadron of flying machines suc | reeded in setting fire to a railway sta tion at Ostend, the Germans have suf fered no serious inconvenience. They hold the ground they occupied as secure ly as before the air raid. For six months the aeroplane on both sides has demonstrated its great value in scouting operations. It has proved of immense service in detecting the move ments of troops and guarding against surprise. But as a means of attack from a safe distance it has failed to meet the anticipations of those who placed reliance on it. So far as is known, there is not a single instance on record where the injury done to the enemy by aerial bom bardment resulted in any considerable ad vantage to the other side. Dr. Bernhard Dernhurg in Leslie's: In Mr. Bigelow’s opinion, Germany will, either very shortly or after some years, be compelled to sue the allies for peace. There is certainly' nothing In the situation that bears out any such contention. In this struggle it is not the number that counts. Certainly Russia has by far the strongest army numerically. What have they been able to do to Germany? To day there is probably not a single Rus sian armed soldier an German ground, while an army of prisoners, certainly now more than 000,000, are in our captivity' All the western part of Poland is firmly held by Germany, including the most im portant railway centers, a number of large cities and of manufacturing cen ters. in spite of the vastly superior num bers and of a mobilization commenced long before the German mobilization, the Russian war machine is breaking down at several points; artillery and ammuni tion are lacking, prisoners are brought in in the most pitiful condition, without, clothing and half starved, and after five months of war Russia has not been able to make the slightest impression on the German forces. Why, we should sup pose that the new' material coming in should be better than the old, especially as a moral element is absolutely lack ing, as against the German soldier, who knows that if he does not prevail ids country will be crushed by his spiteful ene mies, 1 am unable to see. The Russian sol dier does not know what he is fighting for, the Serb is Hecuba to him and cer tainly not worth spilling his blood for. The same holds good as to the German position in France. The northern part is firmly in the German grasp, as is all of Belgium; the French military force Is absofntely spent, and against Mr. Kitch ener’s improvised army there are now about 2,000.000 German soldiers in training. Or. sea. I think the laurels are at least even. Now there remains the chance of starving Germany out; but England itself floes not believe in that possibility. ALABAMA PRESS Anniston Star: George Ward, Birming ham's bachelor commissioner, who has never been kissed, objects to “jitney” busses. Montgomery Times: Judging from some of the recent bills introduced by them, legislators in Missouri are on a par with those in Alabama.—Birmingham Age Herald. The statesmen of another state placed In the “mule or asses’ colts” class. Tho North Carolina and Arkansas legislatures ire liable to suffer the same fate, for they are going along the same lines. And really the Tennessee legislature hr s voted to submit a constitutional female suf frage amendment, and we are curious tj see where that body will be classed. Montgomery Advertiser: A member of the Ohio legislature has been dubbed the “Benedict Arnold of the minority.” Why didn't Benedict retort that his traducer was the Rockefeller of Adams county? Dothan Eagle: ‘‘Alabama’s Illiteracy, Let’s. Remove It,” Js a slogan. Can’t blow it away with legislative hot air. Collinsville Courier: Hope those fel lows down at the capitol don't make a noise like The Age-Hcrald thinks they make. Clio Free Press: Trouble seems to be "brewing” again in Mexico. Isn’t it ibout time they were "bottling?” ( A FLACK FOR EVERYTHING from The Cleveland Plain Dealer. The auto owner: “No, I don't want ^our book. I would much rather forget my car troubles than perpetuate them n black and white.” The book agent: “But this little book s universally handy, don’t you know. It’s not merely a record, it’s a lot of Jther things. I don't suppose there’s mything that could happen to an auto mobile without some one of these de partments covering it. You see, there ire headings here for virtually every thing. Take a look at it.” "A heading for everything, eh? Don’t ^ou believe it. Here, suppose I’m driv ing a car along a country road Sun day afternoon. A paraenute jumper joes up In a balloon from a near-by ecreation park. He swings off with the parachute and drops down squarely on my auto top and crushes it. What’s he heading for that financial item, eh?” “Just a minute, sir. Here you are. Put it down here, sir. ‘Overhead ex penses. " HIS AMBITION from Judge. “Young man, what profession do you ?xpect to follow when you grow up?” "I’m going to be a doctor,” answered the young man, taking out a notebook ind pencil. “May I count on you to save your appendix for me?" NEXT IN ORDKR from the Houston Post. j We suppose the Alabama legislature s about ready to enact a law” compelling ‘very male adult citizen of the state to iriuk eight gallons.of water a day. j ADRIFT WITH THE TIMES I PERHAPS. He’s never called a girl a “chicken,” He’s never called a girl a, "skirt," Was never seen a cocktail sipping And never has been known to flirt. A model youth, there’s no denying, Who’d make someone a proper beau, But much we fear the modern maiden Would And him just a trifle slow. A BIG UNDERTAKING. “Miss Gadders seems to enjoy nothing quite so much as a crusade." “What’s she up to now?" “She’s fighting for the restoration of the old-fashioned family circle which is to assemble in the living room of the family at least two nights a week. “I fear she’ll never be able to do that as long as the present dancing craze con | tinues." ALL AFFLICTED. “This actress you are talking about is a bundle of nerves." “Yes, and no wonder. She has more than her share of eccentricities to begin with, and in addition her poodle, her manager, her press agent and her hus band seem to have artistic tempera ments.” A TRENCH. "So you've been on the firing line?" "Pardon me—in it. The firing line was six feet deep." NOT GOOD FOR THEM. I hope this war will soon be ended And ships may sail across the sea. By all good wishes still attended And with no fears that they may be Blown up by floating mineB or shattered By shots from submarines below'. A ship’s hull by torpedoes battered Is apt to leak a bit, you know. A FREE TRANSLATION. "What does ‘sauve qui peut’ mean?" asked the seeker after knowledge. "Why," answ'ered the picturesque globe trotter, "that’s French for ‘Beat it. The cops are coming.’ ’’ GAY DOINGS. The “Yellow Poppy” club of Dayton, O., was recently brought into promi nence by a divorce suit. It seems that the “Yellow Poppy” club Is composed of young married couples who have feasts at periodical intervals. The man or wom an wrho can drink the most champagne on these occasions without being floored is awarded a prize. The question natural ly arises,4 If all the members take part In the contests, w’ho is competent to act as judge? Perhaps this onerous task is left to the waiters or the chauffeurs who assist in carrying the “Yellow Poppies” | home after the champagne has ceased to flow. HOW ABOUT IT, WOODROW . 'Tis said a man Quits bothering When be begins Grandfathering. CAN’T BE THERE. The “Invitation Edition” of the Ala- ^ meda, Cal., Times-Star has been received by the editor of this column, -’Iso an in vitation from Fred Schaefer to attend the convention of the American ± ress Hum orists’ association during the Panama Pacific exposition. It's a long, long way to San Francisco and much too far tu walk. A DISTINCTION. “Is Dubkins fond of music?'' “Not at all.” “But he plays a great deal of stuff ui» his phonograph?” “You said ‘music.’ ” EXTRA INDUCEMENT. “Don't you think Mrs. Gadson has gracious ways?” “Yes. indeed. Particularly when her clothes happen to be a little better than the clothes of the woman she’s talking to.” ' PAUL COOK. APPERTAINING TO PIE From the Cincinnati Enquirer. KNOWN to all, no doubt, is the in dividual obsessed with the impell ing idea. In the higher human strata he is exemplified by the astron omer who pursues the wanderings of An dromedia, all oblivious to the existence of the stellar chorus that charms the un waxed ears and fascinates the undimmed eyes of the bald-headed Ulysses of the front row. In equally sedate ranks his counterpart is found in the devoted sa vant who constructs a new theory of the cosmos from the intestines of a frog. Among the lowbrows, relatively speaking, the gifted individual who chose a mo ment of silence at the funeral ceremonies t\> deliver a few remarks on the tariff will serve to illustrate. Each and all of these have missed the point. Their views of life, their observa tions, constitute what is known in the elite circle of beginners in French as a faux pas; as you go higher up these rise to the eminence of a contretemps. Pcssibly the one universal theme, the one tcpic of conversation, always appro priate, and for which, as with the serpent of the Nile, time neither can wither nor custom stale its infinite variety, is—Pie. The exact limits of the great American Pie* bell have never been determined with any satisfactory degree of accuracy. News recently received from the seat of war; has been to the effect that both the Czar and the Kaiser have gone to the front. Could their respective positions be defi nitely ascertained the boundaries of im minent danger might be fairly well set tled. Not so with pie. Not that pie bears any relation to the zone of danger, for all that Doc Wiley and Woods Hutch inson, wandering in Cimmerian darkness, have tried to prove. Far otherwise with pie. Its limits rather mark the outward reaches of Arcadian bliss, or the stretch jf those immeasurable dreamy expanses n which blooms the asphodel. New Eng land claims itself as the original habitat. But there are regions devoted to pie where the alleged source of its being ?an present nothing in the way of a jroduct that would serve as more than a iruel and perverse stepmother. And there ire strange outcroppings in unexpected sources, so surely is it with pie as with jenius, w'hich knows no exclusive clime jr country. The best pie. however—and those who lave tasted it will tell you so—is born, jred and made In southern Ohio. To en :e*- upon the question of which «kind Is lest Is to open Pandora’s box. With some Ihe meed—Itself an apple of discord joes to apple pie. There is an apple which the May sun -liases. The leaves of the tree that bears t draws from the summer heat the cool ?si green. But vagrant rays slip through ind paint the fruit with the hues of Kip tng’s Indian maiden, wrho was fair as jar gold from the mint, and tincture its equatorial regions with the colors of Solomon's beloved, whose lips were as :he bursting pomegranate. This, convert ed into apple pie—including the crust—re lembles the peace of God, in that it pass ;th understanding. And that crust, ma lipulated by the soft hands of an Ohio paid or mother, has given to the world >ne of its effectual synonyms—particu arly the “upper crust"—crinkly, In strips, shortened, melting—say, stranger-! It is of record that a brutal British of icer, in the days of the revolution, pre sented with a dish of succotash, threw it violently on the floor, declaring It was ood for hogs, and was properly horse vhipped for his deed. In the south today ;he unhappy residents look much the Mime on the pumpkin. No true Ohioan *ould want to chastise such misguided souls. Rather would they call them in vhen sedate autumn had finished her vork. The golden fruit of the cornfields, ts wrinkled visage softened by the frosts )f adversity, which have also sweetened ts heart, lies in tempting yellow slices, rhen comes the period of Eleusinian mys :eries, following which Is pumpkin pie, i mingling of soft stuff, spices, and de ectable tastes calling for more. Old man Haynes alone has had the heart to men tion the drawbacks. Pumpkin pie, he says, has one bad feature—it daubs a fel low’s ears up so. And the pie made from the currant and ;he cherry—the white May fruit or the jeep red Oxheart. And pie from currant >r gooseberry—Uncle Jonathan Tener jsed to say that a pint of gooseberries guuld sour a bar'l of sugar; hut it was In i evidence that In. was always on hand when Aunt Maria had ravaged the prick ly bushes that bordered the garden spot, which by much wooing, she availed upon him to plow just twice a year. Ami huckleberry pie—that’s the kind to he eaten in your shirtsleeves, at the edge of the back porch, where the juice can run down to your elbow and drip upon the hollyhocks below. And “chessy” pie. Have you ever heard of “cheilsy” pie? That’s a pie as is a pie. But w'hy continue? One might with out profanation paraphrase the list of the faithful set dow'n in the eleventh of Hebrews and exhaust the roll of eternal worthies long before pie. in its diver sity and variety, had been more than faintly described. How were they made? Search us. In boyhood’s day the spirit of imitation and emulation was rife. No circus came but we turned handsprings for months aft erward In years to follow we envied only the one-legged clog dances and the couple that played the xylophone. But • the making of pies belonged to the wim- J min folks. For us to eat was enough. 1 Only in those days we never got enough! il WHEN SOI.DITHS WON’T FH.HT [ 1 From the Kansas City Times. A most alarming report comes from l Flanders w'here the hostile armies face each other in their trenches. The morale of the troops seems to have been serious ly affected. An English officer writes that a Christmas truce wras declared in the trenches and that the soldiers on both sides stacked their guns, crawled out of their holes and exchanged greetings. This was bad enough, but this was not the worst. When the truce expired and the English slid back into their cover and resumed their guns the Germans refused t) take the hint. They continued in their exposed positions, frisking about in a most unsoldierly manner, singing, laugh ing. sending friendly hails to their enemy and generally compounding treason to the fatherland. What could the English do? As the officer writes, they couldn’t shoot down unarmed men with wdiom they had been fraternizing a few minutes before. Tt would have been a bally shame. They tried shooting over their heads by wray of a friendly hint that it was time to get back to business, but the Germans only laughed and whooped and kept on playing horse. Really, it was most em barrassing. The English officer who wrote of this humiliating incident in his diary was killed the next day. The enemy, realiz ing at last the grave breach of duty of which they had geen guilty, had returned to their work. This disclosure of weakness in the n.orale of the armies must be very morti fying to the general staffs and no doubt they will take vigorous action to strength 011 it. A spirit like that, if not sternly checked, would demoralize any army and soon make a soldier as useless to his country as a mere civilian. ALCOHOL AND THE BRAIN From the New York Herald: It is to he hoped that the news printed yesterday that a jury in Kentucky ac quitted a cashier of forgery because of a ‘demonstration” by his lawyer that alco hol coagulated or, as was said, cooked, the brain, is not quite true. Alcohol, even in the dilution represented by whisky, will coagulate an egg, but be fore whisky gets to the brain it is di luted by the contents of the stomach, by all the blood In the body, and Is modified by various secretions. Besides, it Is not absorbed all at once. Nature sees to that or we would have a good many more ad dled brains around us than we have. The “demonstration,” then, if it took place, was an Impudent imposition on the intelligence of the jury, and the surprise is that it should have been permitted. It is encouraging to learn that further in dictments on the same charge are pend'' ing. CUPID DROWNED By Leigh Hunt. T other day as I was twining Roses for a crown to dine in, What, of all things, mid the heap, Should I light on, fast asleep, But the little desperate elf. The tiny traitor, Love, himself! By the wings I picked him up • Like a bee, and in a cup Of my wine I plunged and sank him, Then what d’ye think I did? I drank him. Faith,,I thought him dead. Not haL There he lives with tenfold glee, And now' this moment with his wings I feel him tickling my heartstrings.