The Birmingham age-herald. [volume], February 17, 1915, Page 4, Image 4

About The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950

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THEAGEHERALI
E. W. BAHHETT.Etilloi
Lnteied al Hie Biruungu&m, Ala.
postoffice as second class matter uodei
act o£ Congress March 3. 1879.
Daily and Sunday Age-Herald....
Daily and Sunday, per month.... .7(
Daily and Sunday, three months.. 2.0v
Weekly Age-Herald, per annum...
Sunday Age-Herald. 2.0*
A. J. Eaton, Jr., and O. K. Young ar«
the only authorized traveling repre
sen tali ves of The Age-Herald in Its cir
culation department.
No communication will be published
without its author's name. Kejectsd
manuscript will not be returned unless
stamps are enclosed for that purpose,
Remittances can be made at current
rate of exchange. The Age-Herald will
not be responsible for money sent
through the mails. Address,
THE AGE-HERALD,
Birmingham, Ala.
Washington bureau, 207 lllbbs build
ing.
European bureau, 6 Henrietta street,
Covent Garden, London.
Eastern business office. Rooms 48 1*7
00, inclusive. Tribune building. New
York city; western business office,
Tribune building, Chicago. The c>. C.
Beckwith Special Agency, agents for
eign advertising.
TELEPHONE
Bell (private oxonangc connecting nil
department*) Main 41)00.
How many fond fool* nerve mnd Jeal
ousy! —Comedy of Error*.
BEGINNING THE DAY—What
mcnsitKe lin*t Thou for me, today,
my Fatherf I Mould Incline mine ear
unto Thee and lienr Thy word. Speak
to me In the *ccrc( place* of my
heart. Show me Thy will through
the experience* of till* day. I wait
on Thee, for In Thee I live, and out
of Thee I die. Amen.—II. M. E.
Enlightened - Missouri
Bills for improving Missouri dogs
Arc being viewed favorably by the leg
islature of that state, justly farued
as the “houn’ dawg” state. The St.
Louis Post-Dispatch wants to know
why some attention is not paid to the
cats of Missouri. The question is a
pertinent one and might be consdered
by other legislators besides those in
Missouri. For instance, if the
“solons” of Alabama would devote
some of their time to “cat and dog”
legislation, instead of devoting all of
it to perpetuating a state-wide
“drouth,” they would win the regard
ol' a great many people who now hold
them in little esteem.
Alabama does not need a state cat
tery. as proposed in Missouri. At
least, nothing of the sort should be
established until our educational sys
tem is improved and certain other
backward tendencies of the state are
corrected, so that eastern newspapers
will have to choose some other com
monwealth to use as a “horrible ex
ample.”
However, both the cat and the dog
are destined to be with us more or
less permanently and attention is be
ing paid to these four-footed friends
of man by farsighted legislators. It
is proposed in Missouri that the own
ers of dogs pay a yearly license of $1
inch and that a third of the receipts
be devoted to state kennels where su
perior breeds of dogs may be devel
oped, eliminating in the course of
time curs of low degree. New Jersey is
figuring on a eat tax of $1 a year,
per capita, which would doubtless re
sult in a quick reduction in the un
necessary cat population. No person
in his right mind would pay a tax on
r cat that he did not deem necessary
to his welfare and happiness. Recourse
to deep water, chloroform and other
means of snuffing out eat life would
be extensively made, with the re
sult that only such cats as were in a
sense worthy to live would survive.
State kennels and state catteries are
not vital to the future of any state,
but in a welter of “freak legislation”
laws of this kind would be preferred
to extreme measures directed against
the “liberty and happiness” of citi
zens by legislators in Kansas, Ala
bama and other states.
New York to Have a Revival
It is generally agreed among the
Protestant pastors of New York that
a revival of religion is greatly needed
in that city and a discussion is now
in progress as to organization and
campaign methods. Many prominent
ministers desire to have Billy Sunday
as the central figure, but not a few
want to see a revival with Mr. Sunday
left out.
The Rev. Charles W. Welch, pastor
of the Park Avenue Presbyterian
church, believes there are ministers
in New York able and ready “to in
augurate and carry to a successful
issue such a revival as would pene
trate to every corner of this city,”
and he believes this could be done
“without the assistance of Billy Sun
day or any other imported agency.”
“Of course, we need a revival of re
ligion both within and without the
churches,” continued Mr. Welch. “A
member of the committee which ar
ranged Mr. Sunday’s advent into Phil
adelphia said the other day that a re
vival was already in progress in
Philadelphia before Mr. Sunday ar
rived.” ,
Mr. Welch suggested as leaders for
a city-wide revival Dr. Jowett and Dr.
Goodell, both noted divines and popu
lar pulpit orators. Last Sunday sev
| eral New York pastors spoke of the
proposed revival and referred in glow
ing terms to the Rev. Sunday.
The Rev. Christian F. Reisner, pas
tor of Grace Methodist Episcopal
church, was of the opinion that Sun
day would bring the most abundant
fruitage in New York that one man
ever gathered. He said:
“Smug religionists are positive that
Billy Sunday can be successful every
where else and yet fail here. That
settles some church workers into ex
cused loafing. Our churches have
gone to seed on rhetorical sermons
and ‘quartet’ music. New Yorkers
respond to straight from the shoulder
Gospel preaching as readily as any
people on earth.
“Too many churches have become
bloodless machines through orderli
ness. When Billy calls folks mutts,
lobsters and tells them to beat it, the
sleep rhythm is broken. Results show
that his language carries conviction
to the hearts of the people. That is
all language is for anyway.”
Mr. Welch in protesting that Sun
day was not a grafter told of some of
the revivalist’s large charities.
In all big cities sentiment will be
found divided on such questions as
whether or not outside “talent,” so to
speak, should be secured for nonsec
tarian revivals, but the majority usu
ally decides in favor of the revival
specialist.
Billy Sunday will be invited to New'
York and virtually all the evangelical
churches will unite in supporting his '
work while there.
Germany’s Position Revealed
The explanation by Germany of her '
purpose in declaring the submarine
blockade on England is the most sjg- i
nificant communication from the war -
zone since the beginning of hostilities. >
In the course of the note to the 1
German naval attache at Washington 1
occurs this passage:
Since the shuttlnn off or food 1
supplies had now come to a point 1
where Germany no longer had suf- t
fieient food to feed her people, it 1
became necessary to bring England ,
to terms through force.
'
How significant this admission is, -
is easily apparent. Despite the as- t
sections that Germany had enough t
food at hand for a year scarcely six l
months after August the need has be- 1
come so direful that she is forced to 1
confess it to the world. It is the first 1
confession of weakness from the Ger- *
mans and inexorable indeed must have
been the pressure that forced it.
This reveals where the British fleet
has been and how efficacious has been
the blockade undertaken by England '
at the beginning of the war. The
whole weight of the British empire ,
has been ‘resting on the neck of the t
German people.
England will not accede to Ger
many’s proposal to permit foodstuffs *
to enter. As well ask a cardplayer r
to discard the ace of trumps. On the t
contrary, England will tighten her
grip on the Teuton throat, nor will
it be relaxed until the dove of peace 1
has settled on stricken Europe.
That this will be costly is not to be (
denied. Germany can and doubtless
will work havoc with British shipping,
but that by the use of submarines she 1
can seriously disarrange the food J
supply of the United Kingdom is
hardly to be believed. The English
blockade of the German coast will be H
much more effective than the German a
efforts and the latter is destined to °
learn this to her cost.
- ■ ■■ 1 = t
Making the Farm Attractive p
1 he public schools of Alabama will a
observe one day in March as “Better
Farming Day." i i
The crop diversification campaign 4
which has aroused a high degree of s
enthusiasm throughout the state will
result in more profitable farming and c
better living conditions. Diversifica- 41
tion in the long run will add greatly
to the net income of the farmer. The v
problems involved in diversification h
will be worked out successfully with
the aid of experts provided by the s
government, the agricultural imple- n
ment manufacturers, the state com
missioner of agriculture and the „
Polytechnic institute at Auburn; but v
every practical suggestion from any
source for bettering farm conditions b
will be welcomed by every husband
man and every one interested in or
ganized effort for increased produc
tion per acre.
In setting aside a day as “Better g
Farming Day,” March 12, State Su
perintendent of Education W. F. 11
Feagin has done a good thing, and in
a bulletin sent to the teachers of Ala- F
bama he urges a general celebration „
in the public schools. Mr. Feagin asks
for a “suggested programme” which *'
shall include discussion of improved n
farming methods—methods whereby (
the earning capacity of the tiller of
the soil may be increased. s
For many years past there has been „
a steady tide of population from the
country to the city. The rapid growth
of large cities at the expense of the
rural districts has been widely dis
cussed by statistician^ political econ
omists and sociologists, to say noth- )'
ing of the plain business man and the
average farmer. Most boys raised on “
a farm and sent to college have, after
graduation, settled either in a large ”
city or in a manufacturing district, y
C
Country bred young men enter
ing upon professional careers have,
as a rule, sought great urban
centers for their work in life,
leaving the “old man” and one or two
of the boys to run the farm in the
old fashion way as best they could.
The depletion of the rural population
has been regarded as a very serious
matter. The cities have been over
crowded, while the farming sections
have been much neglected, but recent
movements looking to better farm con
ditions will change the situation.
No business calls for more brains
02* more education than agriculture.
V oung men of liberal education are
seeded in the cities, of course, and al
ways will be; but they are needed just
ns much on the farm. It need be no
surprise, therefore, if within the next
ten years a decided drift is seen from
the city to the country.
There is a splendid future for farm
ing in the south. Much progress in
agriculture has been made in recent
fears, but scientific farming is yet in
its infancy. As for the social side
jf rural life, it grows more and more
attractive every year. To many cul
.ured minds it is distinctly alluring.
Jood roads, daily free delivery of mail,
•he automobile, the long distance tele
)hone, and good schools at every
toss roads will advance farm life to
i high level from every social aspect.
Alabama is having the good roads,
he rural free delivery, the auto and
he telephone, and in time it will have
i good school in every precinct. State
Superintendent of Education Feagin’s
‘Better Farming Day” will have a
stimulating effect on the mind of the
'oung and good fruit will be borne.
a— . a .
The New York state factory investiga
ion commission has been investigating
/ages in four low-paid industries—con
cctlonery, shirts, paper boxes and retail
tores. The commission lias published a
eport based on the data it has collected
nd lias recommended minimum wage leg
ation. Of more than 90,000 persons whose
weekly wages were recorded, more than
hree-fifths of the male workers receive
•ss than $15 a week when working full
ime and more than three-fourths of the
/omen and girls receive less than $10 a
/eek. In the stores the mules get less
ban $14 a week on an average and half
he females less than $7.50. In shirt and
ox factories half tlie male: receive less
ban $12 a week and half the females less
han $0.50 a week. In the confectionery
usiimss wages are shown to be less than
II a week for half the males and below
3 for half the females. More than 7000 fe
lales employed in different industries get
"ss than $5 per week.
Noting the stringent prohibition law re
ently passed by the state legislature, the
leveland Plain Dealer wants to know
■hat people in Alabama will do in case
f ague. They'll just have to shake. Bit
e does a hard-hearted legislature care.
Boots that lace on the inside are one of
lie new freaks of fashion, also walking
Licks for women with a handle that rep
?sents a shapely leg. Both are calculated
) make the men look longer.
“Business” at Monte Carlo is said to be
oor. The same thing might be said of .
mny other enterprises more entitled to
onaideration than the Caelao at Monte
arlo. •
Maybe the rubber found in those cot
»n bales consigned to Genoa was only
ut there to make them bounce and thus
ghten the labors of stevedores.
If Germany is willing to make conces
ons, provided England does, why not
gree to stop fighting and lift a burden
ff the whole world?
A Detroit doctor says there's no such
ling as colic. Talks as if he might be
aving the way for an appendicitis oper
tion.
Professor Taft says he Is acking Pres
lent Wilson's war policy. Naturally,
lat puts T. R. more or less on the other
ide. i
Sluggers attacked a man in Chicago's 1
ty hall. They must have had great con- (
denee in the “ruling powers.” •
If this country should blunder into a \
ar with Germany what w !d 20,000,000
^phenated Americans do?
A New York Chinaman who W'ore a
teel shirt was evidently a prominent
iember of a tong.
Judging front recent remarks of British
atesmen, England is about to make
ar in earnest.
It is no longer considered “bad form” to
i seen in one of Belgium’s “soup lines.”
The milk of human kindness is curdled
i people who send comic valentines.
People with foresight are already be
nning to inspect their fly swatters.
Some citizens of the state wouldn’t care
the legislature never met again.
J’OINTED PAHAUIIAPHS
rom the Chicago News.
No man favors expansion—of his bald
>ot.
But a girl never thinks she is too young ;
> marry.
A wise youth passes up the doll and
arries a girl who can broil a steak.
You may learn something by trying to
ach an old dog some new tricks.
Any old thing that goes against the 1
ain of a porcupine gets the worst of it.
Every time a man picks up a few cents’ 1
orth of experience he drops a dollar.
Although women are great bargain
unters, a cheap man appeals to none of
lent.
Handsome is as handsome does, and the t
uidsome woman usually does as she (
eases.
Cats certainly have their divinely ap- J
Jinted use in this world, but as vocalists 1
icy are failures.
Occasionally a fool man marries a worn- J
i because she has more sense tjian he <
is -and he is never allowed to forget It. j
At the age of three score and ten a
an may realize how little he knows—al- •
tough his wile could have told him many 1
:*ia earlier. <
IN HOTEL LOBBIES
Building Operations In the Spring
"There has been comparatively little
activity in the building trades this win
ter, in Birmingham and elsewhere, but
I expect to see considerable briskness
very soon," said Charles M. Allen, th"
contractor. "X have had many inquiries
recently about the cost of construction
—inquiries from men who intend to
build; and I suppose other contractors
I are having similar Inquiries.
"Anyone who purposes to build a
store or a dwelling will find th‘s the
time of all others to award contracts;
for material is cheaper now and labor
is more plentiful than it will be next
summer."
Ilomeseekers kettle In Alnhnmn
"The crop diversification campaign is
ono of the greatest enterprises that
has ever been undertaken for the up
building of this state," said IV. N.
Malone. "Splendid results will fellow.
The campaign will prove not only a
good thing for the farmer, but it is
impressing upon the business men of
the cities the fact that as thrives the
farmer so thrives the merchant and
manufacturer. Everybody knows that
all wealth comes out of the ground, huh.
many men have failed to appreciate the
importance of co-operation between the
cities and the rural districts.
"Thousands of homeseekers irom
ether states have settled in Alabama
within the past few years, but the tide
of desirable farm settlers will he much
greater from now on, for the crop di
versification campaign is an excellent
advertisement for Alabama. It may
bo of interest to know that within the
last 10 years something like 60o fam
ilies from the north or west have set
tled in Limestone county alone. It
should not be long before homeseekers
are coming to this state by the thou
sands."
Horseback Killing for Health
“The time is coming when doctors
will prescribe horseback riding as a
treatment for the bad livers of good
livers, who ride In automohlVes, but
do not take enough exercise walking or
otherwise." said a man in middle life.
"Take it from me, that of all the
things I have tried for a sluggish, tor
pld liver, a hors back ride—not one but
several—will bring happier results than
any physic. Not only that, but it is
an excellent tonic for ‘nerves' as a
very common ailing in business and
social life is known.
"The exportation of thousands of
horses for use in the European war
will greatly advance the price of good
horses, and even plugs will relatively
fell the results of exhausting our sup
ply of first-class animals, as i. will
come to be a Hobson’s choice, 'you'll
have to take what we have,’ for many
purposes.
"And saddles and bridles are much
higher, even the 'government' stores
stocks' are held much higher by deal
ers who purchase at government sales
l am told by a local dealer."
Business Outlook Gootl
"There has been some Improvement in
business recently, and the sentiment is
decidedly better,” said Fred Liimmick.
formerly of Birmingham, but now of
Philadelphia.
Many prominent manufacturers are en
■ouraged to think that their nlunts will
ie very busy In the spring and summer.
Every one 1 meet seems to feel that busi
icss struck low water mark last fall.
Conditions have certainly been better
since the first of the year, and there is
svery sign that an era of great prosperity
Mil begin in the near future."
Observance of Lent
"While only certain churches observe
jent. I find that many members of the
■hurdles not recognizing the ecclesiastical
ear ‘fall in line' to some extent and
Ttinimize at least their social activities."
aid a clubman.
"Fashionable society is always quiet on
Ish Wednesday, and more or less sub
lued during the entire Lenten season.”
Telephone Manners
"The telephone has certainly become
i most important factor In cosmopol
tan life.” remarked a business man, ’
md each year its use becomes more
■aided and extended.
"This public utility is indeed a oless
ng to the business man and to the
iome, and all progressive communl
ies appreciate its service. But like
ill modern improvements it is some
what complex; and patience and intel
igence are required for its effective
iperation.
"Heads of business concerns who
viBh their organizations to .mcome
tally efficient should make sui-e that
■veryone, from the foreman to the of
lce boy, acquires the knack of answer
ng the telephone in a satisfactory man
>er. In fact, I believe that telephone
ourtesy shows to better advantage in
ho business world than any oilier nc
omplishment that may be acquired,
fhe volume of business done in this
nanner certainly justiltes extra effort
n acquiring a pleasing style of teli
■hone use. Indeed, I oclieve good tel
■phone manners of employes is one of
he best assets that uny business or
janization can have,"
A GONER
Elizabeth C. Walson in The Survey.
Maria was standing by her cell door
Mien we passed down the corridor of the
irlson. We stopped to speak with her.
•Yes, I got 21 days," said Marla, dully.
Dnce you get Into this life you got to
lave the nerve to see it through to the
■nd—the Island and all the rest of it. The
Ife ain’t so easy, either. I'eople think it's
lasy. I tell you it ain't. How long have
l been in it? A little over four years.
When 1 first came from Austria I earned
16 a week on the shirtwaists, not much
:o sleep and eat on in New York. Still
we could get by on that, three of us to
gether in one room, If we had it all the
ime. But the machine d break down, or
:he power'd give out, and the girls go
iome and lose that day and maybe an
ither, and no pay. Then there was the
ilack season and sometimes no work for
weeks, and some of the bosses were
lercc too—and the work! Say, you Just
worked so hard you went home at night
ind fell Hat on the bed, too tired to eat
i bit of supper.
“Once the girls made a strike so as they
leedn't kill themselves working for such
ittle money. I never went back after
tat strike; I took to this.
“Sometimes I want to chuck it. But
rou can't. Once you get into it you're
[ goner sure. Nobody wants a girl as has
ieen in this life. Suppose you did get
i job. Somebody'd see you, that's plain
is mud. And then you know this life, it's
-It’s—it’s kind of sport. There’s always
omethlng doing. When 1 sewed shlrt
vaisls them fouf years, I'was dead all the
line. Never saw anything or anybody;
ust worked, worked. Worked, all the
ime. l felt like an old woman—and me
inly 22 now l" i
•
New York World: As a spectacle the;
raid byr 34 British airships on the German
bases near the Belgian coast was magnifi
cent. Measured by the material damage
inflicted upon the enemy, it had, as a
military operation, no more value than
previous excursions by' German fly'ing men
over English coast tow'ns. It is not by
picturesque performances of this kind
that armies are defeated and wars de
cided.
When German aviators sallied over
Dover and dropped bombs on Yarmouth
they accomplished nothing worth while.
A few helpless civilians were killed with
out changing the course of the war in a
single detail. At an early period in the
war it was the practice of the Germans
to make daily dashes over Paris and the
children who gathered in the streets to
watch their flight were disappointed If
the enemy aviators failed to appear at
the usual hour In the afternoon and drop
bombs. The women and children who
were killed by chance bombs added
neither to the glory nor progress of the
German army on the Aisne. Even if the
British squadron of flying machines suc
| reeded in setting fire to a railway sta
tion at Ostend, the Germans have suf
fered no serious inconvenience. They
hold the ground they occupied as secure
ly as before the air raid.
For six months the aeroplane on both
sides has demonstrated its great value in
scouting operations. It has proved of
immense service in detecting the move
ments of troops and guarding against
surprise. But as a means of attack from
a safe distance it has failed to meet the
anticipations of those who placed reliance
on it. So far as is known, there is not
a single instance on record where the
injury done to the enemy by aerial bom
bardment resulted in any considerable ad
vantage to the other side.
Dr. Bernhard Dernhurg in Leslie's: In
Mr. Bigelow’s opinion, Germany will,
either very shortly or after some years,
be compelled to sue the allies for peace.
There is certainly' nothing In the situation
that bears out any such contention. In
this struggle it is not the number that
counts. Certainly Russia has by far the
strongest army numerically. What have
they been able to do to Germany? To
day there is probably not a single Rus
sian armed soldier an German ground,
while an army of prisoners, certainly
now more than 000,000, are in our captivity'
All the western part of Poland is firmly
held by Germany, including the most im
portant railway centers, a number of
large cities and of manufacturing cen
ters. in spite of the vastly superior num
bers and of a mobilization commenced
long before the German mobilization, the
Russian war machine is breaking down
at several points; artillery and ammuni
tion are lacking, prisoners are brought
in in the most pitiful condition, without,
clothing and half starved, and after five
months of war Russia has not been able
to make the slightest impression on the
German forces. Why, we should sup
pose that the new' material coming in
should be better than the old, especially
as a moral element is absolutely lack
ing, as against the German soldier, who
knows that if he does not prevail ids
country will be crushed by his spiteful ene
mies, 1 am unable to see. The Russian sol
dier does not know what he is fighting
for, the Serb is Hecuba to him and cer
tainly not worth spilling his blood for.
The same holds good as to the German
position in France. The northern part is
firmly in the German grasp, as is all of
Belgium; the French military force Is
absofntely spent, and against Mr. Kitch
ener’s improvised army there are now
about 2,000.000 German soldiers in training.
Or. sea. I think the laurels are at least
even. Now there remains the chance of
starving Germany out; but England itself
floes not believe in that possibility.
ALABAMA PRESS
Anniston Star: George Ward, Birming
ham's bachelor commissioner, who has
never been kissed, objects to “jitney”
busses.
Montgomery Times: Judging from some
of the recent bills introduced by them,
legislators in Missouri are on a par with
those in Alabama.—Birmingham Age
Herald.
The statesmen of another state placed
In the “mule or asses’ colts” class. Tho
North Carolina and Arkansas legislatures
ire liable to suffer the same fate, for
they are going along the same lines. And
really the Tennessee legislature hr s voted
to submit a constitutional female suf
frage amendment, and we are curious
tj see where that body will be classed.
Montgomery Advertiser: A member of
the Ohio legislature has been dubbed the
“Benedict Arnold of the minority.” Why
didn't Benedict retort that his traducer
was the Rockefeller of Adams county?
Dothan Eagle: ‘‘Alabama’s Illiteracy,
Let’s. Remove It,” Js a slogan. Can’t
blow it away with legislative hot air.
Collinsville Courier: Hope those fel
lows down at the capitol don't make a
noise like The Age-Hcrald thinks they
make.
Clio Free Press: Trouble seems to be
"brewing” again in Mexico. Isn’t it
ibout time they were "bottling?” (
A FLACK FOR EVERYTHING
from The Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The auto owner: “No, I don't want
^our book. I would much rather forget
my car troubles than perpetuate them
n black and white.”
The book agent: “But this little book
s universally handy, don’t you know.
It’s not merely a record, it’s a lot of
Jther things. I don't suppose there’s
mything that could happen to an auto
mobile without some one of these de
partments covering it. You see, there
ire headings here for virtually every
thing. Take a look at it.”
"A heading for everything, eh? Don’t
^ou believe it. Here, suppose I’m driv
ing a car along a country road Sun
day afternoon. A paraenute jumper
joes up In a balloon from a near-by
ecreation park. He swings off with the
parachute and drops down squarely on
my auto top and crushes it. What’s
he heading for that financial item, eh?”
“Just a minute, sir. Here you are.
Put it down here, sir. ‘Overhead ex
penses. "
HIS AMBITION
from Judge.
“Young man, what profession do you
?xpect to follow when you grow up?”
"I’m going to be a doctor,” answered
the young man, taking out a notebook
ind pencil. “May I count on you to
save your appendix for me?"
NEXT IN ORDKR
from the Houston Post. j
We suppose the Alabama legislature
s about ready to enact a law” compelling
‘very male adult citizen of the state to
iriuk eight gallons.of water a day.
j ADRIFT WITH THE TIMES I
PERHAPS.
He’s never called a girl a “chicken,”
He’s never called a girl a, "skirt,"
Was never seen a cocktail sipping
And never has been known to flirt.
A model youth, there’s no denying,
Who’d make someone a proper beau,
But much we fear the modern maiden
Would And him just a trifle slow.
A BIG UNDERTAKING.
“Miss Gadders seems to enjoy nothing
quite so much as a crusade."
“What’s she up to now?"
“She’s fighting for the restoration of
the old-fashioned family circle which is
to assemble in the living room of the
family at least two nights a week.
“I fear she’ll never be able to do that
as long as the present dancing craze con
| tinues."
ALL AFFLICTED.
“This actress you are talking about is
a bundle of nerves."
“Yes, and no wonder. She has more
than her share of eccentricities to begin
with, and in addition her poodle, her
manager, her press agent and her hus
band seem to have artistic tempera
ments.”
A TRENCH.
"So you've been on the firing line?"
"Pardon me—in it. The firing line was
six feet deep."
NOT GOOD FOR THEM.
I hope this war will soon be ended
And ships may sail across the sea.
By all good wishes still attended
And with no fears that they may be
Blown up by floating mineB or shattered
By shots from submarines below'.
A ship’s hull by torpedoes battered
Is apt to leak a bit, you know.
A FREE TRANSLATION.
"What does ‘sauve qui peut’ mean?"
asked the seeker after knowledge.
"Why," answ'ered the picturesque globe
trotter, "that’s French for ‘Beat it. The
cops are coming.’ ’’
GAY DOINGS.
The “Yellow Poppy” club of Dayton,
O., was recently brought into promi
nence by a divorce suit. It seems that the
“Yellow Poppy” club Is composed of
young married couples who have feasts
at periodical intervals. The man or wom
an wrho can drink the most champagne
on these occasions without being floored
is awarded a prize. The question natural
ly arises,4 If all the members take part
In the contests, w’ho is competent to act
as judge? Perhaps this onerous task is
left to the waiters or the chauffeurs who
assist in carrying the “Yellow Poppies” |
home after the champagne has ceased to
flow.
HOW ABOUT IT, WOODROW .
'Tis said a man
Quits bothering
When be begins
Grandfathering.
CAN’T BE THERE.
The “Invitation Edition” of the Ala- ^
meda, Cal., Times-Star has been received
by the editor of this column, -’Iso an in
vitation from Fred Schaefer to attend the
convention of the American ± ress Hum
orists’ association during the Panama
Pacific exposition. It's a long, long way
to San Francisco and much too far tu
walk.
A DISTINCTION.
“Is Dubkins fond of music?''
“Not at all.”
“But he plays a great deal of stuff ui»
his phonograph?”
“You said ‘music.’ ”
EXTRA INDUCEMENT.
“Don't you think Mrs. Gadson has
gracious ways?”
“Yes. indeed. Particularly when her
clothes happen to be a little better than
the clothes of the woman she’s talking
to.” ' PAUL COOK.
APPERTAINING TO PIE
From the Cincinnati Enquirer.
KNOWN to all, no doubt, is the in
dividual obsessed with the impell
ing idea. In the higher human
strata he is exemplified by the astron
omer who pursues the wanderings of An
dromedia, all oblivious to the existence
of the stellar chorus that charms the un
waxed ears and fascinates the undimmed
eyes of the bald-headed Ulysses of the
front row. In equally sedate ranks his
counterpart is found in the devoted sa
vant who constructs a new theory of the
cosmos from the intestines of a frog.
Among the lowbrows, relatively speaking,
the gifted individual who chose a mo
ment of silence at the funeral ceremonies
t\> deliver a few remarks on the tariff
will serve to illustrate.
Each and all of these have missed the
point. Their views of life, their observa
tions, constitute what is known in the
elite circle of beginners in French as a
faux pas; as you go higher up these
rise to the eminence of a contretemps.
Pcssibly the one universal theme, the
one tcpic of conversation, always appro
priate, and for which, as with the serpent
of the Nile, time neither can wither nor
custom stale its infinite variety, is—Pie.
The exact limits of the great American
Pie* bell have never been determined with
any satisfactory degree of accuracy. News
recently received from the seat of war;
has been to the effect that both the Czar
and the Kaiser have gone to the front.
Could their respective positions be defi
nitely ascertained the boundaries of im
minent danger might be fairly well set
tled. Not so with pie. Not that pie
bears any relation to the zone of danger,
for all that Doc Wiley and Woods Hutch
inson, wandering in Cimmerian darkness,
have tried to prove. Far otherwise with
pie. Its limits rather mark the outward
reaches of Arcadian bliss, or the stretch
jf those immeasurable dreamy expanses
n which blooms the asphodel. New Eng
land claims itself as the original habitat.
But there are regions devoted to pie
where the alleged source of its being
?an present nothing in the way of a
jroduct that would serve as more than a
iruel and perverse stepmother. And there
ire strange outcroppings in unexpected
sources, so surely is it with pie as with
jenius, w'hich knows no exclusive clime
jr country.
The best pie. however—and those who
lave tasted it will tell you so—is born,
jred and made In southern Ohio. To en
:e*- upon the question of which «kind Is
lest Is to open Pandora’s box. With some
Ihe meed—Itself an apple of discord
joes to apple pie.
There is an apple which the May sun
-liases. The leaves of the tree that bears
t draws from the summer heat the cool
?si green. But vagrant rays slip through
ind paint the fruit with the hues of Kip
tng’s Indian maiden, wrho was fair as
jar gold from the mint, and tincture its
equatorial regions with the colors of
Solomon's beloved, whose lips were as
:he bursting pomegranate. This, convert
ed into apple pie—including the crust—re
lembles the peace of God, in that it pass
;th understanding. And that crust, ma
lipulated by the soft hands of an Ohio
paid or mother, has given to the world
>ne of its effectual synonyms—particu
arly the “upper crust"—crinkly, In strips,
shortened, melting—say, stranger-!
It is of record that a brutal British of
icer, in the days of the revolution, pre
sented with a dish of succotash, threw it
violently on the floor, declaring It was
ood for hogs, and was properly horse
vhipped for his deed. In the south today
;he unhappy residents look much the
Mime on the pumpkin. No true Ohioan
*ould want to chastise such misguided
souls. Rather would they call them in
vhen sedate autumn had finished her
vork. The golden fruit of the cornfields,
ts wrinkled visage softened by the frosts
)f adversity, which have also sweetened
ts heart, lies in tempting yellow slices,
rhen comes the period of Eleusinian mys
:eries, following which Is pumpkin pie,
i mingling of soft stuff, spices, and de
ectable tastes calling for more. Old man
Haynes alone has had the heart to men
tion the drawbacks. Pumpkin pie, he
says, has one bad feature—it daubs a fel
low’s ears up so.
And the pie made from the currant and
;he cherry—the white May fruit or the
jeep red Oxheart. And pie from currant
>r gooseberry—Uncle Jonathan Tener
jsed to say that a pint of gooseberries
guuld sour a bar'l of sugar; hut it was In
i
evidence that In. was always on hand
when Aunt Maria had ravaged the prick
ly bushes that bordered the garden spot,
which by much wooing, she availed upon
him to plow just twice a year. Ami
huckleberry pie—that’s the kind to he
eaten in your shirtsleeves, at the edge
of the back porch, where the juice can
run down to your elbow and drip upon
the hollyhocks below. And “chessy” pie.
Have you ever heard of “cheilsy” pie?
That’s a pie as is a pie.
But w'hy continue? One might with
out profanation paraphrase the list of the
faithful set dow'n in the eleventh of
Hebrews and exhaust the roll of eternal
worthies long before pie. in its diver
sity and variety, had been more than
faintly described.
How were they made? Search us. In
boyhood’s day the spirit of imitation and
emulation was rife. No circus came but
we turned handsprings for months aft
erward In years to follow we envied
only the one-legged clog dances and the
couple that played the xylophone. But •
the making of pies belonged to the wim- J
min folks. For us to eat was enough. 1
Only in those days we never got enough! il
WHEN SOI.DITHS WON’T FH.HT [ 1
From the Kansas City Times.
A most alarming report comes from l
Flanders w'here the hostile armies face
each other in their trenches. The morale
of the troops seems to have been serious
ly affected. An English officer writes
that a Christmas truce wras declared in
the trenches and that the soldiers on both
sides stacked their guns, crawled out of
their holes and exchanged greetings.
This was bad enough, but this was not
the worst. When the truce expired and the
English slid back into their cover and
resumed their guns the Germans refused
t) take the hint. They continued in their
exposed positions, frisking about in a
most unsoldierly manner, singing, laugh
ing. sending friendly hails to their enemy
and generally compounding treason to
the fatherland.
What could the English do? As the
officer writes, they couldn’t shoot down
unarmed men with wdiom they had been
fraternizing a few minutes before. Tt
would have been a bally shame. They
tried shooting over their heads by wray
of a friendly hint that it was time to
get back to business, but the Germans
only laughed and whooped and kept on
playing horse. Really, it was most em
barrassing.
The English officer who wrote of this
humiliating incident in his diary was
killed the next day. The enemy, realiz
ing at last the grave breach of duty of
which they had geen guilty, had returned
to their work.
This disclosure of weakness in the
n.orale of the armies must be very morti
fying to the general staffs and no doubt
they will take vigorous action to strength
011 it. A spirit like that, if not sternly
checked, would demoralize any army and
soon make a soldier as useless to his
country as a mere civilian.
ALCOHOL AND THE BRAIN
From the New York Herald:
It is to he hoped that the news printed
yesterday that a jury in Kentucky ac
quitted a cashier of forgery because of a
‘demonstration” by his lawyer that alco
hol coagulated or, as was said, cooked,
the brain, is not quite true.
Alcohol, even in the dilution represented
by whisky, will coagulate an egg, but be
fore whisky gets to the brain it is di
luted by the contents of the stomach, by
all the blood In the body, and Is modified
by various secretions. Besides, it Is not
absorbed all at once. Nature sees to that
or we would have a good many more ad
dled brains around us than we have.
The “demonstration,” then, if it took
place, was an Impudent imposition on the
intelligence of the jury, and the surprise
is that it should have been permitted. It
is encouraging to learn that further in
dictments on the same charge are pend''
ing.
CUPID DROWNED
By Leigh Hunt.
T other day as I was twining
Roses for a crown to dine in,
What, of all things, mid the heap,
Should I light on, fast asleep,
But the little desperate elf.
The tiny traitor, Love, himself!
By the wings I picked him up •
Like a bee, and in a cup
Of my wine I plunged and sank him,
Then what d’ye think I did? I drank him.
Faith,,I thought him dead. Not haL
There he lives with tenfold glee,
And now' this moment with his wings
I feel him tickling my heartstrings.