The Birmingham age-herald. [volume], March 06, 1915, Page 4, Image 4

About The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950

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"the age-herald
■L-. . ..
F'.. W. BARRETT.Editor
Entered at the Birmingham, Ala.,
.''OStofflce as second class matter under
ct of Congress March 3, 1870.
Jaily and Sunday Age-Herald... . $8.00
Daily and Sunday, per month.70
CDally and Sunday, three months.. 2.00
^Weekly Age-Herald, per annum.. .50
Sunday Age-Herald. 2.00
A J. Eaton, Jr., and O. E. Young are
the only authorized traveling repre
sentatives of The Age-Herald in its cir
culation department.
No communication will be published
without its author's name. Rejected
manuscript will not be returned unless
^stamps are enclosed for that purpose.
J Remittances can be made at current
rate of exchange. The Age-Herald will
• not be responsible for money sent
through the mails. Address.
THE AGE-HERALD,
Birmingham, Ala.
• Washington bureau, 207 Hibbs build
ing.
European bureau, 6 Henrietta street,
Covent Garden, London.
Eastern business office. Rooms 4 8 to
60, inclusive, Tribune building, New
York city; western business office.
Tribune building, Chicago. The S. C.
Beckwith Special Agency, agents for
eign advertising.
TELEPHONE
Bell (private exchange connecting all
departments) Main 41)00.
Aa In an early spring
We see the appearing buda.
—2 Henry IV.
BEGINNING THE DAY—O Lord
help me to endure. Give me* n goul
enticing enough to carry me oil the
Tray. Help me lu finish thing*. Mn.v
I begin my undertakings only with
the approval of God and may I per
sist aa In Thy very presence. May
I atop only at Thy signal. In Christ'a
name. Amen.—H. M. E.
Alabama Farmers Buoyant
The recent crop diversification cam
paign in Alabama has had the effect
of infusing a new spirit into the
fanners. Every tiller of the soil is
heartened and the outlook for high
record prosperity in the rural dis
tricts was nevpr so bright as now.
Despite the low price of cotton last
fall north Alabama not only did not
suffer, but as a result of diversifica
tion practice which became quite gen
jerally established in that section sev
eral years ago, the farmers, with very
few exceptions, were able to pay their
debts and have money left without be
ing forced to dispose of their cotton.
In other words, they are in excellent
condition; and encouraged by their
success and aroused to a high degree
of enthusiasm by the diversification
campaign activities they are now be- I
ginning their spring work with re
doubled energy and increased optim
ism. They will strive to surpass all
former records.
he middle and southern sections
state where in many instances
cottpn had been raised to the neglect
of food crops '-here will be a striking
transformation this year. The cotton
that is produced will be grown on a
reduced acreage; and if weather con
r\ ditions are favorable the production
per acre will be materially heightened.
The economy thus put into effect will
enable the farmer to make his crop
at greatly lessened cost which, in
turn, will mean a profit even if the
price should be under ten cents.
But the largest gain to the farmer
who acts upon the advice of the crop
campaign demonstrators and instruc
tors will be found in the production of
foodstuffs. Alabama has been send
ing away millions of dollars every
year for grain, hay and meat that
i could have been and should have been
produced in the state. If it does not
feed itself this year it will certainly
make a good start at it, and by 1916
| agricultural Alabama will find a fat
balance on the right side.
=
A Republican viewpoint
The democratic press, naturally, is
ardent in its defense of the accom
plishments of Congress during the
administration of President Wilson.
The republican press, naturally, is
adversely critical.
It is interesting, therefore, to note
the summary of the Chicago Tribune,
which while giving the administration
ita dues, insists that still other reme
dial legislation must be achieved.
According to the Tribune, Congress
in two years has secured:
1. The enactment of a luriff law
revising downward practically all
schedules affecting articles of food,
clothing, and shelter, and revising
! upward most schedules affecting
luxuries.
2. The enactment of an income
' I tax law. *
2. The enactment of a war lax
law.
4. The enactment of a new bank
ij Ing law.
B, The enactment o£ a law ere
t f atlng a federal trade commission.
(. Enactment of a law revising
the antitrust statutes; exempting
labor and farmers' organizations
from the provisions of those
i statutes, and abolishing interlocking
j directorates in big business.
7. The enactment of an agricul
■jfe taral extension act, which is in
1 L. tended to carry the results of the
Bu? department of agricultures re
aearch work directly to the men
I' and women on the forms. *
8. The enactment of a law which
affords the government better
facilities for settling railroad and
Industrial disputes.
8. The enactment of a law pro
viding for the construction of a
railroad In Alaska intended to open
ap that territory to civilisation
and development.
18. The enactment of ananti-nar
r
cotic law intended to break up the
traffic in habit-forming drugs.
11. The enactment of a law re
forming the consular service.
12. The enactment of a law com
bining the revenue cutter and light
house services into the coast guard,
which in times of war w'ill be used
in c oast defense.
13. The enactment of a law in
tended to break up gambling in cot
ton.
14. The repeal of the tolls exemp
tion clause in the Panama canal act.
The Tribune, continuing, declares
that before the administration can
be termed an unqualified success, it
must secure the passage of:
1. A bill to prevent the inter
state transportation of products of
child labor.
2. A bill to regulate the issue of
railroad securities.
3. A group of conservation meas
ures, intended to preserve water
power rights, to obtain the best re
sults from the grazing and mineral
lands, and to conserve the Ameri
can radium supply.
4. A measure to provide an ade
quate rural credit and land inort
| gage system.
5. A measure revising the civil
service laws so as to create a real
merit system.
6. A measure establishing presi
dential primaries in the various
states.
7. Measures to build up a strong
standing army, a national reserve,
and an adequate state militia
8. Measures making adequate
provision for coast defenses.
9. Measures properly balancing
the navy and making it an effective
fighting unit.
A Tiresome Performance
Birmingham theatregoers have had
their patience severely tried by the
bickering of rival theatrical managers.
Temporary peace has been made sev
eral times, only to be broken again.
Theatres are opened and closed in the
most summary manner, with no ex
planation given to the public, which
is expected to patronize this or that
theatre, as the star of the Interstate
Amusement company or the circuit
controlled by Jake Wells is in the as
cendant.
The Lyric, Birmingham's newest
and handsomest theatre, which was
built under the direction of Jake Wells
by Gen. Louis V. Clark and leased to
Mr. Wells for a period of ten years,
has enjoyed a liberal patronage for
about twelve months, with Keith vau
deville as the attraction. Suddenly,
and without any previous announce
ment being made, the Lyric was closed
and the immediate reopening of the
Majestic under the management of
the Interstate Amusement company
was announced by Mr. Hoblitzelle,
who had in the meantime appeared on
the scene and had resumed the war
fare waged intermittently against the
Wells interests. During the armistice
which recently came to an end the Ma
jestic was presumably under the Wells
management. Occasional picture
shows were offered there. The latest
development is the statement made by
Mr. Hoblitzelle that the Lyric will be
reopened under the management of
his company, while the Majestic has
been leased to a local moving picture
manager to be used as a moving pic
ture theatre. The present Majestic
policy of popular prices and three
performances a day will be put in
force at the Lyric, Mr. Hoblitzelle
says.
it is quite evident that the people
of Birmingham who have liberally
patronized theatres operated both by
Mr. Hoblitzelle and Mr. Wells are not
being given a square deal. Mr. Hoblit
zelle and Mr. Wells seem to think
Birmingham theatregoers have no
rights to be considered, but they will
find out that they are sadly mistaken.
Birmingham has five theatres, the
Jefferson, the Bijou, the Lyric, the
Orpheum and the Majestic. The Jef
ferson, being controlled by Ivlaw &
Erlanger and playing only the higher
priced road attractions, is not involved
in the present muddle, but the people
of Birmingham are entitled to know
why it is that the Orpheum and the
Bijou, both leased by Mr. Wells, re
main dark while he and Mr. Hoblit
zelle play a “game of tag” to see
which one shall continue to be the
master of the local theatrical situa
tion.
Owing to the prevalent financial
conditions in the country, ■ which are
keenly felt by the larger producing
firms, the Jefferson theatre has had
few bookings this season. Further
more, the active competition of the
Wells circuit in putting on plays and
musical comedies has made none but
the highest class. offerings profitable
at the Jefferson. Birmingham has
been forced to depend on Mr. Wells
and Mr. Hoblitzelle for the greater
part of its amusements. With these
worthy gentlemen at loggerheads, the
quality of amusements offered is, to
say the least, negligible. The Lyric
has been giving what is called “big
time” vaudeville, although the bills
were really a mixture of “big time”
and “small time” vaudeville.*’ Now
comes Mr. Hoblitzelle with the an
nouncement that a “small time” policy,
although he does not call it that,' will
be inaugurated at the Lyric.
Birmingham has outgrown “small
time” vaudeville and the “small time"
way of doing business. Those persons
who have been patronizing the Lyric
are the sort who like to spend an
evening in a theatre and see some
thing worth while, instead of being
driven out like sheep at the end. of the
first evening performance, so the
house can be filled again for the sec
ond performance. It is time for Mr.
Wells to wake up to a sense of his
responsibilities and realize what he
owes to Birmingham, which has been
friendly to him in the past. He is
making a gTeat mistake in treating
this city as if it were a village. He
and Mr. Hoblitzelle will find to their
cost that the local public is tired of
their endless quarrels.
If these would-be magnates can't
reach some agreement by which Bir
mingham can have more than one
“small time” vaudeville theatre in
continuous operation, business men
here have expressed themselves as
willing to take a hand in the proceed
ings and start an opposition that will
mean something.
Boys’ Club and Tag Day
This is Tag Day—the annual event
for the benefit of the Boys’ club, one
of the worthiest institutions in Bir
mingham.
The little tokens that will be sold
on the streets today should yield sev
eral thousand dollars. Everyone who
wishes to help the Boys’ club will
gladly contribute a small sum—a sum
so small that it will not be missed by
the donor—but Birmingham is a large
city and if 15,000 or 20,000 persons
are “held up” for the good cause the
total realized will be sufficient to put
the club in fine shape financially, for
a time at least.
These annual tag days have a gala
side, for every w^ll-disposed man
feels it a blessing to give and he re
joices in the opportunity. He is a
poor citizen indeed who does not wear
a smile when he becomes the possessor
of a tag.
According to George Hough Perry, di
rector of the department of exploitation
of the Panama-Pacific exposition, more
than 32,000 newspapers and magazines in
the United States, Canada, Europe, Japan
and China have treated the exposition as
a “great national enterprise," and have
devotfd seven times more space to it
than that given to any other exposition, in
spite of the great volume of war news
that has been published. The records
show that slightly more than 8,000,000
inches sof matter about the exposition
have been printed in the newspapers of
the United States and Canada since the
statistical department was established by
the fair management two years ago. Dur
ing the past four months Mr. Perry esti
mate-; that an average of 10,000,000 per
sons have been reached with some sort of
information about the fair every three
days. He reports that "general interest
throughout the country is keen and in
creasing.” Many of the leading news
papers in the United States have made
full-page and double-page Sunday feat
ures of the fair, using the admirable mat
rix service, sent out by the publicity de
partment in some cases, while in others
special articles were prepared. Among
the newspaper men present on the opening!
day were William Randolph Hearst, Ar
thur Brisbane, Norman E. Mack, George
Randolph Chester, Edwin Markham, rep- j
resentrtives of more than 200 eastern |
newspapers and 3228 special writers.
The Piute Indians of Utah are greatly
handicapped in their lawless operations
by the fact that they have neither sub
marines nor a suitable place in which to
use them.
One of the most powerful ships in the
British navy is named after a woman,
Queen Elizabeth, but Mrs. Pankhurst
didn’t have anything to do with it.
Even a. poker game seldom lasts as long
as the session of Congress just closed, al
though some high records have been made
by “relay” poker players.
Experts say it is possible for the peo
ple of this country to live on corn. Quite
right. The "corn dodger” as an article
of food is hard to beat.
At any rate, the Kaiser and the Czar
and a fewr others will be tried in the
"court of public opinion,” and its decisions
are not to be sneezed at.
It w ill be w elcome news to Birmingham
theatregoers that Billie Burke Is to be
at the Jefferson theatre next Saturday
matinee and night.
Joseph Loiter blames the farmers for
holding wheat and raising prices. Joseph
himself has had plough "cornering” to
last him a lifetime.
Frederick Palmer felicitates himself on
being permitted to see some actual fight
ing at last. Frederick will be in at the
finish, anyhow.
A little matter like a presidential nomi
nation could not destroy the friendship
existing between Oscar Underwood and
Champ Clark.
While there is no exhibit from Mexico
at the San Francisco fair, Mexico has
been making a show of itself for some
time.
If the Houston Post were published in
Alabama, it could hardly think worse of
the state legislature than it does now. !
China's "Look what Japan's trying toj
do to me!” can't be distinctly heard in|
Europe for the roar of big guns.
If Lord Byron were alive today he would
already have had several tremendous love
affairs with a military setting.
Butter, having gone down in price, will
doubtless go down the human esophagus
in larger quantities.
At any rate, shooting up the Dardanelles
is fine target practice for the British and
French warships.
HOW ABOUT BATHING?
Frcm the Memphis Commercial-Appeal.
"Birmingham is jubilant over the pros
pective decrease in water rates, and Mem
phis must be wondering how anybody
can take any earthly interest in the price
of water.’”—Chattanooga Times. Aw,
g' long: you gotta have something to
cook with.
! in HOTEL LOBBIES
Off tor Snn Francisco
J. B. Burke, one of Birmingham's old
est and most esteemed citizens, will leave
today for San Francisco and will be ab
sent from home a month or more.
"I have been to Europe four times and
I thought it was about time that T was
j seeing something of this country west of
| the Mississippi,” said Mr. Burke,
j “All my traveling in America lias been
in the north and east. I am looking for
ward with great pleasure to seeing the
| Panama-Pacific exposition and I know I
shall be impressed with the grandeur of
the Rockies.”
tVlient Raising In Alabama
Apropos of the present crop diversiflea- j
tion movement that is taking such strong
hold on the farmers of Alabama, in a
very interesting talk on the subject Dr.
George Morrow stated that he was using
at his home here in Birmingham nearly
every article needed for the food supply
I of his family that came from his own
farm out near Trussville.
“The idea that wheat cannot be sue-!
cessfully grown here is the veriest non
sense, for I am eating flour as good as
ever comes to Birmingham that was
ground in St. Clair county from wheat j
that T raised last year on my own farm.” :
said Dr. Morrow. “It was of uniform
quality and made a fine yield £er acre, al- !
though I did not have much sown. But
this year I expect to have a surplus over!
and above what I need for my own fam
ily and my tenants; and in addition T
am using my own home-grown meats,
lard, butter and eggs. I have as fine
turkeys as can be raised anywhere, and
chickens have no enemy to contend with,
while my forage crop was abundant for
my own use and I had some to sell.
“There is no reason why Alabama
should not feed and clothe her own cit
izens, and this crop diversification move
ment means untold benefit to the state,
for money kept at home serves a double
purpose. It remains in circulation to help
build up our state and stops the drain i
that Impoverishes the people. If flour
mills are erected in localities where they
do not now exist it will bo a great help
in getting the farmers to raise more
wheat and encouragement should be given
in this direction.1'
FlimflamiucMl .fudge
"A few evenings ago one of our judges
was sitting on his front porch reading
a daily paper,” said Henry King, “when
a dusky son of Ham, who gave his name
as Zake Jones, came along and poured
out a tale of lamentation. He stated his
wife had passed to the great beyond, that
he was out of work and of course out
of money, and begged the sum of $1 with
which to telegraph relatives in Montgom
ery for funds to lay to rest his beloved
spouse. The negro looked so woe begone
that the judge was touched and loosened
up. and Zake went off with the desired
coin.
“On the next evening while the judge
was at dinner the negro called again and
asked an audience with him. lie had in
his possession a check for $4 and asked
the judge to cash it. It was made pay
able to cash and signed by a cross mark.
It was so palpably a fraud and so
bungling in its execution that the judge
became exceedingly wroth. Without a
word the judge took a swing at the negro
with his lusty right fist, just barlly miss
ing the point of his chin, but as the ne
gro turned to flee he planted his No. 8
right where it belonged, and the negro
turned a summersault down the steps. It
was not the loss of the dollar that made
the judge angry; it was being taken for
an easy mark by a negro.”
6lvle Co-operation Needed
At this time when the commissioners of
Birmingham and all the heads of city
departments are hampered by lack of
funds, resulting from the adoption of nec
essary retrenchment measures, citizens
slioulu be especially eqnpiderate of munici
pal officials and employes,” said a pub
lic-spirited man. •
“The police and fire departments should
have the cordial and thoughtful co-opera
tion of all law-abiding citizens, and all
unnecessary trouble should be avoided.
The greater percentage of fires occurriug I
in Greater Birmingham result directly j
from carelessness or negligence, and a j
great number of the alarms turned in to |
the fire department prove false. False
alarms cause needless expense to the city
and should be eliminated as far as pos
sible.
“The police department of Birmingham
has many unfavorable conditions to con
tend with. In the first place, the num
ber of men enrolled is exceedingly few'
and th' territory to be patrolled is widely
extended. The officers of the depart
ment, how'ever, are continually on the
flert and work earnestly in an effort to
suppress crime and to apprehend crim
inals. Motor-driven patrol wagons are
held in readiness at headquarters to
make a dash, bearing armed men to any
part of the city in which a crime may
be committed on a moment’s notice. Un
der ordinary circumstances the depart
ment is able to get officers on the scene
of a crime in a radius of tw’o miles of the
central station within five minutes after
receiving a call, and were some people to
display more coolness and judgment in
I availing themselves of the protective arm
of the law fewer criminals w'ould go un
scathed.”
More Sunshine In Iron Market
“More sunshine in the iron market; not
enough yet to make real spring, but
enough to promise better times presently,"
is the way Matthew Addy & Co. put it.
The weekly circular of this well known
firm says in part: “There is actually
more iron being melted by the general
foundries. Our men on the road used to
report at the beginning of the year that
this foundry was shut down, or that one
was running only two heats a week, etc.,
and the report was invariably to the ef
fect that no more pig iron or coke was
needed. Now the reports are of a hap
pier tone, and that all general roun<*r*es
are running modorately full, and those
which are working on machine tool parts
are busier than they ever Were previously
in their history. This is direct and posi
tive evidence of the change that is tak
ing place. In addition, there is the col
lateral evidence from the furnaces which
are shipping out more iron right along,
and the movement of coke is growing
slowly, but surely.
“Meantime abroad they are steadily
making a market for iron that when
peace conies will be of tremendous pro
portions. In Prance, iron production is
not nearly a third of what it was prior
to the war, and the destruction of snips.,
railroads, factories and munitions of war
is appalling; it runs into incomprehensi
ble figures. And the first thing that
will be done when peace is declared will
be to restore the ruin of war, to replace
the immense havoc which has been and !
Is being wrought.
“America will then find a market for |
more iron than we can produce. In prevl- |
ous letters we have called attention to
the swift advance in the price of iron
which has followed every war of modern
times, the classic illustration of this fact
being the rise in the price of iron after
the civil war, from $19 to $74 a ton; after
the Spanish-Amerlcan war the price r&se
from $7 at Birmingham to $25. Will it do
Nit again? Why not?”
I
l. •
f
New York Telegram: Welcome as are
any proposals looking to a cessation of
war, it occurs that any measures tend
ing simply to a temporary postponement
are not desirable.
The strife has gone to a point where
'Cessation to permit both sides to
strengthen their positions would not
j tend to a speedy ending of hostilities
or a long period of friendship.
While the good offiees pending are
purely tentative it is questionable
whether, as proposed on her side, Ger
many would agree to refrain from sub
marine warfare against shipping and J
from the indiscriminate laying of float j
ing mines in British waters while Great j
Britain would agree to postpone action j
upon the proposition of declaring food
stuffs absolute contraband.
It is, however, a hopeful sign that
Berlin is willing to modify her marine
tactics if permitted to receive food for
her civilian population.
But it cannot be overlooked that even
if strictly used for civilians such im
ports would permit of the accumulated
sustenance to feed the actual combat
ants.
The world wants pejice, not merely
postponement.
Living Church: It cannot be said that
the neutrality programme of the United
States has enhanced our popularity
among the nations that are at war.
Where we had desired to show that we
felt a cordial friendship for both par
ties, it must be said that each party
feels that we have been too friendly
with the other. No doubt this is, in
great measure, inevitable. Neither con
batant can see why we should wish to
he friendly with the other. Neither party
quite realize the position which the
United States desires to maintain.
Moreover it is usually the innocent by
stander who receives the brick betweeen
the eyes, and the habit of innocent by
standing Is perhaps as thankless a pro
cedure as can well be devised. The in
terests of the United States and Its
place among the nations are too im
portant for it to be possible for her to
keep altogether away from the scene of
conflict. Just now, having charge of
most of the diplomatic offiees in Europe,
she is in the position of Saul of Tarsus,
as he held the clothes of St. Stephen
while the proto-martyr was being
stoned to death; and perhaps it has oc
curred to others than ourselves that this
was not the particular episode in the
life of the future apostle that earned
for him the title of saint.
I ALABAMA PRESS j
Decaturs Dally: “Russian Armies
Fighting Along the Whole Front.” is an
Age-IIerald headline. That’s better than
for them to be golfing or playing croquet.
Marion County News: The convict de
partment has decided that Theodore Lacy
must wear stripes just like other convicts.
Why not? The only thing that should
create the least bit of sympathy for Lacy
is for him to make a full and complete
statement as to who got the state’s money
in the thievery in which he took a part.
Gadsden Journal: The city council has
purchased a new steam roller. It.is not,
however, of the pattern used in the leg
islature.
Andalusia Star: Mobile, Montgomery
and Birmingham are the Dardanelles of
the prohibitionists.
Huntsville Mercury-Banner: The Doth
an Eagle, whose editor, by the way, is a
member of the state senate, gives Hugh
Roberts a column write-up in a recent is
sue. -Roberts has been writing some salty
articles to The Age-Herald on the ridic
ulous capers of the hand-picked bunch at
the capitol and evidently rubbed a little
salt into a raw place on the editor’s po
litical hide.
Shelby County Sun: President Wilson
has accomplished one thing, viz.: he has
caused the members of Congress to earn
their pay.
■i
\ KA.itl
From March Outing.
Al\ preliminary work in fancy div
ing should be done from a low board.
The all-important thing is to acquire
muscular control and to learn to time
acurately one’s movements.
When the. time comes to-start work
ing from an elevated platform the as
pirant to proficiency will profit by
bearing in mind the advice given by
George Gaidzick, holder for several
years of the American championship,
and probably the best all-round diver
evei* developed in this country. He said:.
“I try to enter the water with a
slant of about 150 degrees and when
about to Strike I bring the hands to
gether and interlock the thumbs, hold
ing the arms fully extended and rigid,
with head between them. This is most
important, for the impetus Is so great
in dropping from a height that unless
the arm muscles are set hard, the
hands locked, and the head protected,
the shoulders may' be thrown out of
joint and a ferriflc blow received on
the softest part of the skull.
“The body should remain straight
and stiff until me feet are submerged,
as this minimizes the chance of splash
ing. I relax at the shoulders the in
stant I am fully covered, then bend
head and arms upward and shoot to the
surface as quickly as possible. I find
it helpful, too, to separate the leg?
in relaxing, as this brings me up more
rapidly by checking the speed of the
body. Beginners, however, should be
careful not to bend upward too sudden
ly or a badly sprained back may be the
consequence.
ASKING TOO MUCH
From the Houston Post.
The Montgomery Advertiser says that
the country immediately surrounding Ala
bama’s capital buys $10,000,000 worth of
foodstuffs annually outside the state of
Alabama. In view of such conditions it
seems to Us that Alabama’s legislative
chumps would have attempted something
for the economic independence of the
state instead of holding a snake dance
and stifling the liberties of the people.
POINTED PARAGRAPHS.
From the Chicago News.
A coward encounters many dangers that
do not exist.
Many people take your advice—but few
ever use it.
The widow’s might may be the result
of long experience.
Wise is the woman who can keep ap
pearances up and expenses down.
A sober man when drunk is as stupid
as a drunken man when Bober.
An empty discourse and a soli<$ one are
.much alike—they are both sound.
Imagination is the sugar that sweetens
life and wisdom the salt that preserves
it.
The motorman has less to do with run
ning the cars than the promoter man has.
A St. Louis minister recently prayed
for those of hifr congregation who were
, too proud to kneel and too lary to stand.
ADRIFT WITH THE TIMES
SHOULD LOOK AHEAD.
"I saw a young chap on a street corner
smile at two newly arrived immigrants
who had all their worldly possessions
tied up in two small bundles."
"It was unkind of him to do that.
"Certainly; and very foolish, also. In a
few years those Immigrants may be able
to give him a first-class Job.”
SO BE IT!
Wiseacres say
Twill end in June
This war, whose end
Can’t come too soon.
SEEMS INCREDIBLE.
"Who Is the distinguished looking
stranger?” >
“That's our congressman. He's been
away from home so long the town has
outgrown him."
MORE WORRY.
"I thought you were going to join a
'Don’t Worry’ club.”
"I changed my mind.”
"What was the matter?’ /
"It was too much trouble to get in.”
NOTHING TO FEAR.
He sat down In a dentist's chair.
Yet wore a happy smile.
The dentist took h(s false teeth out
And worked on them awhile.
ERRATUM.
You are quite right, Clementina. The
’’Zone” at the San Francisco fair is the
amusement belt and should be capital
ized. 'Twas a printer set. It “lower case.”
THE WISDOM OF PA.
"Pa. what's an appetizer?"
“Missing a meal, son.”
M
BUNNIES. 1
It surely is not
A bit of fun
To pay for a toat
And get a bun.
—Toungstown Telegram.
It surely is not
A bit of fun
But tell us this:
Whaddye mean—a bun?
—Painesvllle Telegraph-Republican.
But think how much
One Is ahead
To annex a bun
Without a head.
—Sharon Herak;
i
It seems to us
Down here when one
Pays for a bun
lie gets a bun.
—Houston ‘Post.
More "buns" are bought
Just now. ’tis said.
Because they'll soon
Be limited. j
IN AFTER LIFE.
"I suppose It's all right for a college
boy to wear fancy clothes."
"Perhaps."
“But arrayed like that, he'll never
make a success of getting orders from
hard-headed business men."
EXPERIENCED.
“You say he's a great believer in prison
reform?"
“I have never met a man whose con
victions in that respect were more deeply
rooted.”
"What makes him so earnest?”
"He's been there."
SEEKING INFORMATION.
Those little hats
Are rather nice.
But have they, too,
A little price?
i PAUL COOK.
MOMHMMMW—WtfMW—
ENNIS, besides digging
• - up stories at the Tutwiler,
, sometimes linds it necessary to
do some family topping,” said a news
paper artist.
"He went into Sol Caheen's store the
other day and said: ‘Sol, I want to see a
lady's shirtwaist—the thinnest thing you
have in such.’
“ ‘i am sorry,' said Sol, ‘she has just
gone out.' "
Jack Bethea, though a well-known and
able newspaper man, takes his profession
most seriously, and his dignified bearing
to his brother reporters, especially the
youngsters, at times excites humorous
twinkles in the eyes of his confreres of
the fourth estate. The anecdote of an in
cident in The Age-Herald office was re
lated at the Newspaper club last night.
"It was about 1 o’clock in the morning,
said the genial reconteur, ’’when the
greasiest, blackest, dirtiest imp of a
printer’s devil came in the editorial rooms
with a bunch of galley proofs in his
grimy hands:
“ ‘Hey there, you Bethea,’ yelled the
imp’ to the studious copy reader, who was
laboriously editing a mortuary notice.
’Holt says fix up these proofs. Ye hear?’
"It was then that Jack Bethea majes
tically rose from the editorial desk and
giving the ‘imp’ a supercilious once-over,
he said with al? the dignity at his com
mand:
“ ‘Boy, when you address me, say “Mr.
Bethea.” Understand?’
“The ‘imp’ looked at Jack with a quiz
zical expression spreading over his dirty
face for a moment or tw'O, and then came
the characteristic explosion:
“ ‘To ’ell wid y'u, Jack,1 and your d—m
name, what Holt wants is corrections on
the proofs.’ And the ‘imp’ left the room
whistling ‘Dixie.’ ”
A serious mien after that ■was impos
sible and Jack joined in the laugh at his
expense.
Despite tne leenng occasiyueu
recent senatorial contest, the campaign
was not without its lighter moments.” re
marked Hugh M. Locke, former assistant
solicitor and an ardent admirer of Cap
tain Hobson. ’‘The political jokes sprung
by rival camps were exceptionally hu
morous, but I recall none that struck me
as being so droll as the following, which
is told on Captain Hobson:
"The captain, so tile story goes, was
campaigning among the wilds of south
eastern Alabama, and was doing much
personal work among prospective voters.
At one point he chanced upon a couple
of darkies who, he had been told, were
prospective voters. The negroes listened
to Mr. Hobson's preliminary remarks pa
tiently, but betrayed little enthusiasm.
Finally one of them remarked that they
were going t vote for Mr. Underwood.
" ‘Why.’ exclaimed Mr. Hobson impa
tiently, ‘I don't believe you know who
Captain Hobson is.’
" 'Knows 'im!' ejaculated one of the
darkles. ‘ 'Course I knows 'im. Ain’t he
de man whut's going all ova de country
callin' Tmself de great destroyer jest
’cause he sunk de Titanic?'
"Mr. Hobson never even explained.”
“A man encounters many strange things
in the course of a day, and many are the
senseless questions propounded at the of
fice of the Birmingham Railway, Light
and Power company,” said “Jack” H. P.
DeWindt a few nights ago, “but the best
one I have heard recently was not asked
in the office of our company, but in a
drug store.
"A very little girl walked into the store
and asked the druggist for some pink dye.
She stressed the importance of Its being
pink, and said it must be of the best
quality. Not in those words, of course,
but that was what she was driving at.
“The druggist asked the little miss what
she wanted with the dye. 'I don’t want
it', she replied. ‘Ma’s stomach has been
sick for a long time and the doctor told
her she would have to dye it (diet), and
she said she wanted to make it a pretty
color while she was at It.’ "
Charlie Mandy was discussing The Age
Hernld Swappers’ Column the other day
with several friends, ait of whom ex
pressed their interest In the clever car
toons by Blackman anil, the great possi
bilities of the column and Its unique ads.
When they got through he unburdened
himself as follows: “Whenever I hear oi
swapping, it calls to my mind an old
man named Dutton, who enjoyed a great
reputation as a swapper. In fact. It wa:
a byword In oi»r town that to get In a
swap with the old man was to be bested.
‘‘One day he approached a neighbor and
said, ‘Bill, I will swap my red gams
rooster for one of your Indian Runner
ducks, and give you two-bits to boot.
Bill knew the old man’s rep. as a trader,
and was consequently suspicious. He
studied a few minutes and then said, ‘You
can’t git ahead of mo that way, Mr. Dut
ton; if you want to swap sure enough, I
will swap you even.’ ”
Ton. Anderson Is responsible for this
newspaper yarn:
“During a political campaign the editor
of the Gate City Humming Bird asked
Judge A. O. Lane for an announceirtent.
‘The trouble is,’ said the judge, ‘if I give
you this announcement everybody else
will be after me to run one, and I can't
afford it.’ ‘You needn’t wrorry about0
that,' was the reply. ‘No one will ever see
it out there.’ ’’
CHICAGO'S UNGRATEFUL WOMEN
From the New York World.
Of the 154,750 women who voted in
the Chicago primaries for mayor, only
824 figured in the final count as .pro
gressives, one-half of 1 per cent. It is
possible that the sex which is new
to the suffrage in Illinois Is as fickle
as the men In its allegiance to new
thought politics? Evidently the women
intend to degenerate into plain demo
crats and republicans just as their
fathers and husbands and sons have
done. Was it not a great progressive
leader, who promised them the vote
if they would support and work for
him?
It was Chicago that witnessed the
glorious birth of the progressive party
less than three years ago, and women
thronged the platform and filled the
front ranks at the great revival meet
ing in the Coliseum. Where have ail
the former progressives gone? What is
to become of Jane Addams, who swayed
millions of voters for social justice?
Is she to be left in solitary grandeur
on her neglected pedestal W'hile friv
olous and ungrateful female voters go
tripping off to cast their ballots for
democratic and republican candidates?
It was the voices of Chicago wom
en wrhich swelled the chorus when the
convention rose and chanted “Onward.
Christian Soldiers!’’ Who will supply
their places in 1916? If there are no
female voices to join in the anthem and
men are as scarce as they promise to
be, it may be necessary to put forward
a hired quartet to keep up the old re
ligious fervor of the progressive party.
V ERSES
By William Cowper.
(Supposed to be written by Alexander
Selkirk during his solitary abode on the
island of Juan Fernandez.)
I am monarch of all I survey:
My right there is none to dispute;
From the center all round to the sea
I am lord of the fowl and the brute.
0 Solitude! where are the charms
That sages have seen in thy face?
Better dwell in the midst of alarms.
Than reign In thi# horrible place.
1 am out of humanity's reach,
I must finish my journey alone,
Never hear the sweet music of speech;
I start at the sound of my own.
The beasts that roam over the plain
My form with Indifference see;
They are so unacquainted w!th man,
Their tameness is shocking to me.
Society, Friendship and Love,
Divinely bestowed upon man.
Oh, had I the wings of a dove
How soon would I taste you again!
My sorrows I then might assuage
In the ways of religion and truth.
Might learn from the wisdom of age.
And be cheered by the sallies of youth.
Religion! what treasure untold
Resides in that heavenly word!
More precious than silver and gold.
Or all that the earth ean afford.
But the sound of the church-going bell
These valleys and rocks npver heard,
Nor sighed at the sound of a knell,
Or smiled when a Sabbath ; ppeared.
Ye winds, that have made me your sport.
Convey to this deBolate shore
Some cordial endearing report
Of a land I shall visit no more;
My friends—do they now and then send
A wish or a thought after me?
Or tell me I yet have a friend.
Though a friend I am never to see?
How fleet is a glance of the mind!
Compared with the speed of its flight
Tho tempest itself lags behind,
And the swift-winged arrows of light,
•When I think of my own native land,
In a moment I seem to be there;
But alas! recollection at hand
Soon hurries me back to despair.
But the sea-fowl is gone to her nest
The beast is laid down in his lair.
Sven here is a season of rest.
And I to my cabin repair.
There’s mercy in every place,
And mercy, encouraging thought!
Gives even affliction a grace
' A fid reconciles man to his lot.
'• a