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Cm W. BARRETT.Editor Entered II the Birmingham, Ala., postoffic© as second class matter under act of Congress March 8, 1879. Daily and Sunday Age-Herald.... $8.00 Daily and Sunday, per month.70 Daily and Sunday, three months.. 2.00 Weekly Age-Herald, per annum.. .50 Sunday Ago-Hsrald. 2.00 A. J. Eaton, Jr., and O. E. Young are the only authorized traveling repre sentatives of The Age-Herald in its cir culation department. No communication will be published without its author's name. Rejected manuscript will not be returned unless •tamps are enclosed for that purpose. Remittances can be made at current rate of exchange. The Age-Herald will not be responsible for money sent through the malls. Address. THE AGE-HERALD, Birmingham, Ala. Washington bureau, 207 Hibbs build ing. European bureau, 6 Henrietta street, Covent Garden, London. Eastern business office, Rooms 48 to 60, inclusive, Tribune building, New York city; western business office, Tribune building, Chicago. The S. C. Bsckwith Special Agency, agents for eign advertising. TELEPHONE Bell (private exchange connecting all departments) Main 4000. Rumor doth double, like the voice and eehe, the numbers of the fear’d. —Henry IV. BEGINNING THE DA I—My God, I eau do so little: I have no little strength and so little time and so little wlsilom and so little grace. Help me, then, to put my little es aetl? where It belongs, to do just the thing which Thou hast for me. Guide me every day, and give me a close ear for Thj‘ faintest whis per. In Christ's name. Arnett.—II. M. E. Automobiles in Latin-America The advantages of having good roads have not yet been sufficiently impressed on themindsof Latin-Amer icans to make the automobile an im portant factor in their business and pleasure. A writer in Leslie’s Weekly states that with the exception of the immediate vicinity of a few of the larger cities, such as Rio de Janeiro, Buenos Aires and Santiago, passable roads in Latin-America are a rarity. The result has been to make the de velopment of the automobile slower in this part of the world tHfcn other conditions warrant. Motor cars are • popular enought among Latin-Ameri eans and they are plentiful where there is ever so short a roadway on which they can be driven. It might be wise, as has been suggested, for the automobile manufacturers of this country to launch a good roads move ment in Latin-America. “In the smaller interior towns,” says the contributor to Lestlie’s, “there are few, if any, such vehicles, and an auto would be as much of a curiosity to the natives and Indians as it would be to an Eskimo. I know of a port town in Central America which boasted of one automobile. The only passable streets in the town were to be found on the four sides of the little plaza, and each evening, loaded down with friends, its owner would take it around and around this re stricted area, much to the delight of the natives and the Indians from the interior, who frequently planned ex cursions to town to see the horseless wagon.” When one stops to consider that the automobile is found in large num bers in the most remote parts of the world, particularly where European or American business interests have gained a foothold, the backwardness of Latin-America is surprising. Still, in spite of disadvantages, Brazil, Ar gentina, Uruguay, Chile and Peru are said to be good markets for auto mobiles and automobile supplies, thus indicating that the people of those countries are quite willing to spend their money on motor cars, if they get any chance at all to use them. Trade Commission Begins Work The federal trade commission, cre ated by the Sixty-third Congress just before adjournment, began work yes terday. As a governmental agency it has large powers, especially inquisi torial powers, and such being the case its course will be watched with keen interest by ^capital and by all the great manufacturers. The commission can help the busi ness world or it can embarrass and re tard it. One of its duties is to co operate with the department of justice in the enforcement of the antitrust laws. But that should not mean antago nism on the part of the commission to any of those big interests that seek to hew to the line; should not mean irritating contention or drastic regu lation. This commission is one of the in stitutions in which President Wilson is deeply interested. But for his insist ence, the federal trade commission bill probably would have failed of pas sage. It was in the democratic legisla programme, but Congress was rowded and the measure got through by the skin if its teeth. » The members of the commission are not quite as well known to the busi ness men of the country as were the members of the federal reserve board when the latter were appointed, but they are said to have been selected by | the President with particular care. L. . ftlne of the commissioners is William J. Harris of Georgia, who had made an excellent record as director of the census. He is a man yf practical busi ness sense and is temperamentally suited for his new duties; and his col leagues will, it is hoped and believed, prove to be well poised and capable. The commission makes a fine begin ning in announcing that its policy will be “constructive helpfulness,” and not one of harrying. Let the new organi zation carry out such a policy and it will become as popular as the federal reserve board,. -- The west*has been enjoying a high degree of prosperity since last fall, and business in all other sections of the country is now improving rapidly. The trade commission, by taking the side of Business, will do everybody a service and will be remembered as one of the factors in the promised era of unparalleled prosperity. More and Better Schools Governor Henderson having signed the school tax amendment bill it is now only a question of time when the country districts of Alabama will have more and better public schools. Four years ago the lower house of the legislature passed an amendment submission bill, but it’ failed in the senate by one vote. The measure provided that the voters of each school district should have the right to tax themselves 6 mills for school pur poses. Its defeat wras a great dis appointment to the friends of educa tion, but the proposed amendment which will be submitted next fall to the people of the state for ratifica tion is an improvement on the other measure. It provides first that each county shall be authorized to levy a tax of S mills for bettering school conditions in the copnty, and after that if the people of any district desire more rev enue than 3 mills would yield they shall be authorized to increase the levy to 5 mills, which would be ample for placing the rural schools on the high est plane. The ratification of the amendment proposition should be only a matter of form. Alabama is classed now as an illiterate state. Only in two or three states in the union is the percentage of illiteracy to population so large as it is in Alabama. We b !) VO o fi'rnn 4 _! i_ I a great polytechnic institute and many excellent colleges, and in the cities are found public and private schools of high standard. But the public schools in the country are too few in number and the terms are too short. Such a condition has been a serious handicap to Alabama from every point of view. Just so soon as the people have the right to tax themselves for main taining a good school all every cross road, then Alabama wfill begin to emerge from the wilderness of ignor ance which, according to statistics, has long been known to our shame. Cotton Acreage Reduction More than ordinary interest will attach to the government’s April re port on cotton acreage. Last fall when cotton was selling below 6 cents there was a consensus of opinion that the 1916 acreage should be reduced fully 60 per cent. The bankers and the merchants in the cotton section took a firm stand against the planting of a normal crop. But large shipments abroad early in the year strengthened the market and when the price advanced to 8 cents, with the prospect of 10-cent cotton, the situation not only bright ened, but many farmers began to plan, not for as large an acreage perhaps as was planted in 1914, but for a larger planting than had been advised when the market was demoralized and at its worst. There will be greater diversification of crops in Alabama and in most of the other southern states, and that leads one to think that the total acre age will be considerably reduced. But at the rate at which Texas is planting the reduction will probably not average more than 26 per cent as compared with last season. It is safe to assume in any event that the crop will not be a bumper. A 12,000,000-bale crop there may be, but even that would b^ too large un der present conditions. Until the time comes for the gov ernment to issue its planting report all estimates of acreage will be largely guess work. But no matter how much or how little cotton is produced -4he cotton belt will never come into its own until it raises enough grain, forage and hogs to feed itself. When it learns to do that, cotton will pay even at prices that might now be considered unprofitable. The Detroit man who offers to sell his two small children so he may make a payment on a house deserves nothing more than the uncertain shelter of a hay rick. Now that Harry Thaw has been ac quitted of conspiring to escape from Mat teawan, there is nothing to do but carry his case on for 20 or 30 years longer. Maybe if England, Russia and the United States simultaneously put a bug in 'the ear of Japan, that country will listen to It is necessary to paint the Brookl3*n bridge every three or four years to pre vent erosion and deterioration. A small army of “human spiders” are employed in tills dangerous work. However, they seem oblivious to the risk of death, and climb about over the huge structure with the utmost agility. “With buckets and brushes they cling in the network,” says the Popular Mechanics magazine, “swing ing in the wind as the constant stream of traffic surges across East river. Between them and the river beneath there is more than 2C0 feet of space, and the cables. Every exposed strand and spot of the whole structure must be painted, so the men scramble over the cables until they reach the topmost point of the great tow ers, which extend 272 feet above the water, and finally end up on scaffolds suspend ed beneath the structure, where the mast heads of passing vessels scrape under the planking, sometimes missing them by a margin of only a few inches. This work continues usually for six or eight months before it is completed, and costs approx imately' $50,000.” When a probe committee tackles men with considerably more brains than the probe committee has it should proceed carefully. A man claiming to be “Healer” Schlat ter has appeared in Cincinnati. He prob ably has the same sort of whiskers, anyr how The water wagon is not being talked about as much as formerly'. The bread wagon is attracting attention just now. Seattle comes to the front with a dip lomatic scandal that has made the entire country sit up and take notice. The commander of a submarine does not have a chance t*. strut his deck much, I but maybe he doesn’t want to. -^-... The republican party bewails the scar city of real leaders. There' is at Oyster Bay—but why continue? Although green is the prevailing color an St. Patrick’s Day, some people prefer to paint the town red. Bread riots in Spain merely go to show that when the war god is on a rampage all the world suffers. The Japs are smart, but they seem to have overreached themselves in making lerr.ands on China. The Dardanelles forts seem to be hold ng out about as well as could be ex pected. The location of the “western theatre of war” seems to be more or less perma aent Promising and performing seem to be as far apart as the. poles—down in Mex ico. THE MISCHIEF-LOVING CROW Writing of the many amusing charac teristics of the crow, in Harper’s for March, Walter Prichard Eaton tells of the annoying way in wiych a certain pet crow pestered a totally inoffensive dog and a lamb. “It was curious to watch his instinct to hide things manifest itself in a hun dred odd ways, to the human mind not in the least related to a food supply. Any small object which was bright and shining particularly attracted him, and he would spend hours attempting to hide bits of broken crockery or glass In the dog’s fur or in his ear. Don’s ear was a favorite hiding place. Jim would get a bit of crockery in his beak, hop upon the dog’s head, drop it neatly Into his ear, and then carefully fold the earflap down over the aperture. It Don objected and raised his ear again, Jim would once more grab it and fold it down, scolding meanwhile. If Don were wide awake he did not seem to mind this per formance in the least, but if he chanced to be sleepy he would get up with a bored air, shake out the crockery from his ear, and with the look of one who says ‘For heaven s sake, why can’t you leave me in ^eace!’ walk away to some Dther place. Nothing discouraged, Jim would slowly follow along behind him, keeping an eye cocked meanwhile for a fresh bit of shiny stuff (even a bright pebble would do), and, when Don once more lay down, the entire operation would be repeated. “One could never be certain at these times how far Jim’s actions were purely teleological—the exercise in captivity of instincts upon which the endurance of the wild species depends—and how far there was mingled with them an almost human love of teasing. For Jim un questionably loved to tease. Of that there could be no doubt. He knew, too, just as a dog knows, who could be teased and who couldn’t. There were two lambs on the place, one a stolid creature, and one of totally different temperament, highly excitable, in fact. Jim discovered the difference after a single trial. As they were frisking about one day he lit first on the back of one and then on the back of the other, sinking his claws into the wool with a good grip, flapping his wings, and cawing delightfully. One lamb paid no attention to him, but the other immediately took fright and began to buck like a bronco, or rather an an imated sawhorse, and then to cavort about the pasture lot. Thereafter Jim confined his attentions entirely to her. He never tried to ride the other lamb, but again and again he would pounce down suddenly upon the poor timid one’s back, set up a great, flapping and caw ing, and speedily enjoy a free ride over a goodly portion of the surrounding landscape." WHAT LUKE M’LUKE SAYS I’rom the Cincinnati Enquirer. There are a whole lot of prohibi tionists who are intemperate in ev erything but the use of liquor. Lots of married men who are not bigamists have one wife too many. One reason why we are so quick to recognize the faults of others is be cause the faults are exactly like our own. He can kiss her If he wants t». But she would get mad all over if she imagined that he thought he could. Some people believe that what they like to do slftftild be legalized and what other people like to do should be pro hibted. Some men Imagine that nature put heads on their shoulders so they could tutt in when they felt like it. Money won’t buy love. But it ia there with bells on when you need a di vorce. A man believes that he is entitled to make a dozen mistakes a day. But if his wife makes one mistake he wants to fight. IN HOTEL LOBBIES RiiftineftM Recovery “New York looks very different now from what It did a few month? ago,” said | H. H. Mandell of the borough of Manhat I tan. “The metropolis of the country* was ‘hit ' hard’ by the business depression caused [ by the European war. Everybody felt it. But there has been a steady recovery and now the financial and jobbing districts ap pear brisk and normal. I have seldom known New York to be so crowded with visitors. The hotels are doing a rushing business. “I was in Philadelphia last week and that city looked prosperous once more. The fact is that business improvement is general throughout the east.’’ Soap .’Vpt Good for Shampoo “It is wrong treatment for the scalp to use any kind of soap in shampooing,” said A. W. Judy of the Metropolitan bar ber shop. “All soaps have an alkali base, and this is injurious to the roots of the hair. There are a number of excellent shampoos on the market. One from nature la found In the use of eggs. Some persons use only the whites, but the whole egg serves as well, and after applying should be rinsed out. The natural oil of the hair, where proper care is taken, will soften it, 'and no other Is needed.” Mlk Pane—Sow's IM** “Alabamians may not be able to make a silk purse of a sow’s ear, but many a boy is going to fill his purse writh the proceeds of a fat pig or two this fall,” said a man interested in diversified farm ing. “Ttye pig demand is spreading, aiid the days of home-made hog and hominy are coming again. Every little pig, it seems, w*ill have a pen of its own, as the boys and girls are seeking any kind they can get. “I h$ve had some experience in the hog-raising business, and I found it profit able, even in a Ihnited way. The Duroc Jerseys and the Poland China give the quickest results, and seem to be suited to the Piedmont section and Alabama. A pig to be profitable ought to be slaugh tered at from 0 to 11 months; after that the percentage of flesh growth and fat begins to decrease on the ratio of time feeding. “Hogs to thrive should have a pasture to run in, and nut grass and running water, with some feeding, will make them thrive and grow rapidly untfi penned. “For a number of hogs—to be killed in November or December—a good plan is to cultivate a late sowing of corn and peas. When the corn gets too hard for roasting ears the hogs should he turned in on it and allow'ed a free run. At first it will appear that they are wasting the corn by pulling it down and leaving some un eaten upon the ground, but by and by they will begin to get fat and lazy, and will then clean up that on the ground. Ten days or two wreeks in a pen, fed on matured corn, will harden the flesh and ‘set the fat’ as farmers say.” The Panama-Pacific MxpoHltlou “San Francisco has a splendid exposi tion, the greatest in many respects ever held," said Robert T. Singleton of Chi cago. *1 was there during opening week, and as much as I had read about it, I was surprised at the vastness and the gran deur of the show. “No other great world s fair was over completed and opened on schedule time. It was wonderful to tee all the exhibits in place—virtually all of them—when the gates were opened. / “San Francisco is a magnificent city, and is particularly popular with tourists. The greatest crowds are expected in July and August." The Mimic Festival “The Birmingham Choral association, which was organized for the purpose of giving music festivals, was fortu nate indeed in being able to secure the New York Symphony orchestra, Walter Damrosch, conductor, for this year's festival, for beside^ the fact that it was the only orchestra avail able, it stands in the very front, rank, ’ said a citizen who has always taken on interest in good music. Damrosch is a great conductor and he is a great favorite among concertgoers. As it has been five years since he was last here, the people are hungry for him and he will draw immense audiences. “The festival will be held at the Bijou—April 19—and a, delightful fea ture will be the . singing <*f the mass chorus, trained by Mr. Rienzi Tnomas. This chorus is learning Sullivans “Golden Legend,” a work o€ rare beau ty; and if there be time enough it will learn Von Flelitz’s “The God and the Maid." “Damrosch brings a distinguished solo quartet.” The Iron Market Rogers, Brown & Co.’s Cincinnati re port, just received here, says in part: “Unusual events of international char acter during the week had no appreciable effect in slowing up the steady growth of business or the increasing confidence recently manifest. • “The iron market continues its un eventful but not unsatisfactory way. A fair tonnage has been placed in the east, including charcoal irons. Part of the buying was for export. “Local buying has been of fair size, mostly small lots for early consumption, with Virginia iron to the fore. Local foundries are busier than for some months past. “Southern conditions are better, move ment from southern furnaces and yards having been generous on sales made sometime ago. It is reported that fur nace stocks at that point are lower than for several months, the current make be ing moved promptly and the price situa tion stronger. “General improvement in the metal trades continues slow. Additional encour agement during the week has given the iron and steel markets by some good steel orders slight increase in plant opera tion, and small but increasingly better prospects in a number of different lines. It is more the volume of little good things than the marked improvement in any one line which is the source of satisfaction. “Our over-seas trade has reached such volume^as to set all standards aside and become the one thing of immediate inter est which gives life to the metal trades. “Prices on pig iron at all points are without change, although the sentiment in general is stronger than a week ago. “Finished steel products in the struc tural lines are active with the approach of open weather, and these lines have shown good inquiry and interest." FIRST LESSON IN FICTION From the Boston Transcript. “I wonder hoy Mrs. Inkleigh got her I start as a writer of fiction?" ‘ “Composing references for her dis charged help, I understand." * .. w, Fritz Arno Wagner in Leslie’s: As the train pulled out of Karlsruhe, I found that I had a sergeant as my vis-a-vis. The Iron Cross decorated his breast, and he was the recipient of felicitations from many people, including myself. He told me he had just left the hospital after a month of Illness, his nerves having been shattered by his experiences at the front. I asked about these experiences and he told me briefly and modestly, after much questioning, a story which runs as fol lows: **! was In Darmstadt on duty when war was declared. A week later my regiment received orders to leave In 24 hours for the front. I had a sweetheart in Pots dam to whom I was to be married at the end of August, so I wired to her to join me the next morning. I was on duty un til 8 a. m. My fiancee arrived shortly after that time. I had bought our wad ding rings the night before. When she alighted from the train and saw me watt ing, she rushed into my arms, trying in vain to keep back the tears that were running down her cheeks. ‘In an hour,’ I told her, 'you will be the wife of a sol dier, therefore you must be strong,' whereat she smiled. A great happiness and also a great sorrow overcame me. I was so glad to leave her so soon. Tw» hours later we wTere married and ws had two hours to pass together before I had to leave my dear young wife—perhaps for a short time only, perhaps forever. I can tell you that it was heart-breaking.” Collier's Weekly: Some of our too hasty British cousins criticize us for not more cheerfully standing all our trade losses as an innocent bystander. Rightly or wrcngly, they feel that there is a great dea’. of idealism about their war, and they think we ought to share the dam age. (We do.) Other friends actually i jump on us for not joining in with the allies—since British critics think our in terests and sympathies lie on their side. Now", we do not feel called upon to com bat this basis of argument, but we do deny these conclusions. Ours is not a mil itary nation, we have never engaged in any continental war and hope never to do so, and our people is a composite ol’ many nations whose friendliness for one another as Americans must never be dis turbed. James Bryce, better than any of his fellow countrymen, has understood the American commonwealth, ^jgys Bryce: "The United States is the greatest of the neutral powers—the administration might conceive that many questions will arise during the war In which the rights of all neutrals w-ould be involved, and might think that the authority with wrhich thf United States can speak on such ques tions would be weakened if at the outset its government had taken up a position adverse to one or the other party to the struggle. “I doubt whether we in England have yet fully realized either the magnitude of the service which the United States government and its representatives have rendered in protection of British subjects or the noble spirit that Jias animated them in that service. Their embassies and legations have become enormous business offices, manned mainly by voluntary workers. The looking after our prisoners of war in Germany alone has become a gigantic task." This is a part of what we are doing. As the New York World observes, what we have done for the British In Germany wo are dojng also for the French, for the Germans and Austrians in Great Britain and France, and for the British and French in Turkey. Great Britain has of ficially recognized the services of Mr. Gerard in Berlin and Mr. Morgenthau in Constantinople, yet none of the countries affected has displayed much gratitude to the United States for its assumption of diplomatic burdens. This is quite nat ural, and we don’t complain. But it isn’t the most thoughtful foreigners who criti cize us with asperity for setting peace before war, for preferring the succor of the starving to the making of more wddows and orphans and cemeteries and hospital cases. Our part as a neutral is neither spectacular nor popular, but the real problem Is to maintain our self respfet and to act so that we may indeed maintain it. GOSSIP IN LONDON From the Philadelphia Telegraph. "Tommy’’ has a lot to put up with In one way and another. The following was overheard outside a regimental headquar ters: I (Jld Lady Accosting pacing sentry)— Can you tell me— Sentry (in an undertone)—Sorry, ma'am, I’m not allowed to stop and talk. Old Lady—Oh, very well. I’ll walk up and down with you. A sergeant at the guards' depot, Cater ham, has a reputation for being some thing of a comedian. A very young re cruit unwittingly overstayed his leave by 20 minutes! The sergeant met him at the gate with "So you have come back?” "Yes, sergeant.” "Well, you know where the scaffold is—behind the magazine. Pa rade there 6 tomorrow morning.” Re counting the interview, an eyewitness says the recruit's eyes bulged from his head and "his knees played “Rule, Brit tannia.' ’’ The ways of England's censor's depart ment are, perhaps necessarily, somewhat confusing—the work is so huge, and so dis tributed. A letter was received yeBterday indorsed by a second lieutenant. "Ad dress to be included in text of letter, and not shown at bottom, as in this case. Tills cannot be passed." ’Outside on the envelope wras written by the same officer, "Cannot pass censor.” Then, In the re maining space was stamped the official "Passed by the censor!” The Rev. B. G. O’Rorke, chaplain to the British forces, who was captured wth the British ambulance column dur ing the retreat from Mons, in a letter to his brother at Nottingham, stateB that ho is in camp a0 Maddeburg, occupying a room with British, French, Belgian and Russian officers. A dormitory has been iitted up as a church, which is a great novelty. At one end is the French Roman Catholic altar, at the other end is the British altar, on the third side is the Russian, and the fourth side is piled with beds. British, French and Russians use the church at different hours. "We had a meeting yesterday,” he adds, "to decide the fate of our communion ves sels and brass cross, which will have an historic value. Some were for presenting them to St. Paul’s or Borne garrison church, but in the end they were pre sented to me for use in whatever church I serve.” The Journal publishes the following tel egram from Lyons: A native of Lyons, , • '• V. • ’. . ' ADRIFT WITH THE TIMES i THE VERNAL, STIR. Up above the skies are blue. Down below the grass is green; Gay straw hats will soon be due, Pretty, summer girls be seen. Something in the air inspires Happy thoughts and bits ot song. Waking to world-old desires All the busy human throng. EXTRA WORK. “That baseball pitcher has a rather spectacular delivery.” "So he has. Do you suppose he hopes to alarm the batter by his contortions?" “Perhaps, or it may be merely his way of showing that he is earning his salary.” A VERSATILE MAN. "I couldn't get along without my doc tor." "No?" "When I'm sick he tells me a funny story and I get well." "Does he make out his bill ‘to profes sional service,' or 'entertainment'?” CREATING THAT IMPRESSION. "I see It again stated that eating onions regularly will make a person live a long time. Do you suppose there is any truth in that theory?" * "I can't say, but eating onions regu larly will probably make a person's life seem long to other people with whom he comes in contact." AN EXTREME CASE. “A romantic soul, you say?» "Very. I've known him to quote Keats to a box of talcum powder." EASILY MOVED. The real poet needs no spring TO put him in a mood to sing: He’ll sit him down ’most any time And perpetrate a little rhyme. A RARE ACCOMPLISHMENT. A "gifted speaker" mr.kes a hit With me if he knows when to quit. HMIMMHItHtlUtHHHHMIlMIIIIMItltMMHIH, A GAY SIRE. 9 “Charley Blobbs semes to be a serious I young man.” I “Yes. His father's skill in dancing the 9 tango causes him acute discomfort.” J| TOUGH LUCK. 1 “I thought I saw you at the fancy dress I ball last night.” ;v “Yes. I was there. I was dressed as J| George Washington.” SI “You didn't cross the Delaware, did j| “No, but I crossed my wife by mistak- I ing her for another woman.” j| BLOW YOUR OWN HORN. Jf Once there was a man who never would jjfl listen to praise. Even when he happened J| to do something quite well he deprecated his achievement, dismissing the matter 9 with a wave of his hand. At first people I were inclined to pay him a compliment 9 occasionally, but he always stopped tnem !§ before they finished what they were M about to say by remarking airily, “Non- fl sense!” “Tut, tut!” “The idea!” cft some S other expression which conveyed the same 9 meaning. In course of time this process 9 of self-effacement had its natural result. 9 People began to think there was not much ft to the fellow after all. He did not scintil late, ho was not in the public eye and ha 9 was seldom “among those present.” 9 While the “beat little advertisers” were, 9 in the words of the oociety editor, * much jjj feted guests,” the modest man was ig- fl nored. As a candidate he w’ould have 9 been a joke. A master of ceremonies 9 would have hesitated twice before caHJng 9 on him to "speak a few words.” If you 9 can't blow your own horn, hire a press 9 agent and tell him to spread himself. 9 PAUL COOK. ■ VINTAGE AND VANTAGE STORIES I I OF THE NEWSPAPER CLUB 1 Here is a little story that Ur. Howell T. Heflin told the other night at the News paper club: "Last summer I had. a number o£ ty phoid fever cases and I instructed the families of all my patients to drink noth ing but boiled water. Two days later Tony, the head of an Italian family, ap peared at my office. " ‘No drlnka da water,' said he, with an air of determination, ‘drlnka da udda kind.’ “ ‘No you won't,1 I said emphatically, ‘What’s the matter with it?’ 'Can't drlnka da water.', returned Tony, wildly gesticulating, ‘Burna alia da way down.' ” "A certain well known newspaper woman of Birmingham is unmarried— they usually are,” started out John Mc Rae. "Recently her sister married and in due time there arrived a—ah—er—baby. It was the only baby in the whole family, consequently was a complete innovation and occupied an enormous amount of at tention. The marvelous wonders of it in creased from day to day, but above all things it seems that the peculiar habit of the baby of parting company with hl3 dinner on various t a nd sundry occasions filled the entire family from the mother down to the 32d degree aunts with in tense alarm. “It seems, er—ah—that is, I am told, that it is quite an ordinary performance for a new arrival on this terrestial ball to so perform gastronomieal acrobatics, but of course the new mother and the new aunt knew nothing of this and re peatedly kept calling the family doctor. This mysterious gentleman always passed the subject by with some little reference or other, but still the child persisted and. growing exceedingly active on the ‘back fire’ of his food one night the mother for the hundredth time called the doctor and after describing the symptoms sobbed: “ 'Oh, doctor! What shall I do?" “Back over the wire ^me the sleepy and somewhat Irritated voice of the medico. 4p‘Tie a bib about his neck!’ “And then she heard his receiver click back on the hook." Dr. Ira Landrith of the hying spuadron of America, which recently passed through Birmingham, related a good story of an old southern darkey while here. A mem ber of the club retold it as follows: “Old Mose while passing down the main street of the little town in which he lived observed a huge watermelon at the front of the grocery store. It was the largest melon lie had ever seen and he eyed it ap preciatively, thinking the while what a feast it would make. ri ne storekeeper noticed Mose’s interest in the malon and said: “ ‘Think you could eat that one, Mose?' “ ‘Yassuh, boss,’ answered the negro. “ ‘Well, If you will eat every bit of it at one sitting, I'll give it to you.’ “ ‘Yassuh, Ah shore c’n do dat,’ said Mose, his eyes shining. “ ‘But,’ continued the storekeeper, *if you don’t eat every bite of it you will have to pay 65 cents for it.’ “Mose studied the proposition for a mo ment and said: ‘Boss, will you wait a while till I go off to masse’f and study ’bout dis?’ “The grocer complied with Mose s re quest. In about 15 minutes the darky re turned and said, lie would eat the melon. “And he did. He sat there and that melon fairly melted away. “After he was ail through, the grocer, admitting defeat, demanded to know where he had been the lo minutes he con sumed to think it over. “ ’Well, boss,’ said Mose, ‘you see, Ah nevah tried to eat a melon dat big before. I thought about one up at muh house about de same size and v/ent to eat dat i# fust jest to see if it could be done. I et dat and den I knowed Ah could get away wld dis un.’ ” I ■■■UaMUIMlMUMUIMUailHHIllllilltlUUaill serving with the Fifty-second infantry, whose depot is aMMontelimar, relates the following story of a Territorial, Charles Catalan, of Dousere (Drome). The latter was digging a trench at the front when to his astonishment he turned up a Jdr containing £4000 in securities. Catalan at once carried his find to hip colonel, and has just been mentioned in orders of the day in the following terms: “Charles Catalan, while digging a trench, found a large sum in securities, which he hastened to take to his superior officers." —Reuter. Here is a good story that comes fresh from the front. The black sheep of the regiment stood before his commanding officer charged with being drunk. He stoutly denied the offense, and there was only one witness—a sergeant—to prove It. However, the records showfd 11 previous convictions for the same offense. "You are a hardened and hsbltpal offender," said the colonel sternly. “I can’t take your denial against the sergeant's word.” The prisoner turned to thw sergeant-wit ness and asked, “Have you ever been drunk?” On receiving an emphatic neg ative, he turned to the colonel again. “Sergeant says I was drgnk; I says 1 wasn't. I ask yer, colonel, which Is likely to be right—him what’s ’a8 no experience of what being drurfk is, or an ’ardened and ’abitual like me?” It is, of course, the correct thing in London now to run over to “Somewhere in France” and visit the hospitals. It is a great experience, ulany well-known people are more or less permanently there, doing' good work: others pay flying visits. The latest is Cardinal Bourne. He went farther than most of the visitors— right to the front, in fact—to visit the Roman Catholic regiments and chap lains. He traveled under real war con ditions, eating bully beef and other sol diers’ fare. Clean shaving in London li^g gone out of fashion sines the War commenced, but the abbreviated moustache now worn by military men and attempted by knuts looks too like a false one stuck on hur riedly by a comic actor to be described as a thing of beauty. “Frank Whlsksr son" called it a ‘‘nose mat.” But it has I one recommendation—it makea the wearer's mouth look smaller.;*»• - - / • «. _ • - •> .THE TRUE CAUIPH William T.'Ellis, on “The Present State of Islam,’’ in The Youth’s Companion. One reason why the Jihad (or holy war) must fall today is that so many Moslems deny that the sultan of Turkey is the true caliph, for the successor of Osman who rules at Constantinople has not a drop of the blood of the prophet or of his people. The Arabs have always been restive under a Turkish caliphate, and never more so than now. They know full well that only a descendant of the tribe of Korelsh Is legitimately entitled to the custody of the green flag. The Shiah Moslems, too, who are mostly Persians and Indians, have never cor dially recognized the Turkish caliphate. So, hard on the heels of the call to a holy war, runs the message that the Sultan has no right to issue such sum mons, and that the faithful are absolved from obeying it. We may be sure that Great Britlan and the allied powers gave wings to that report. An Arab caliph, of real descent from of Korelsh—possibly the shereef of Mecca or the Sheik of the mysterious Senussi—is likely to ap pear soon to dispute openly the claims of the Turkish caliph. Another difficultly In the way of the Jihad is that it was called in behalf of Germany and Austria, two Christian nations. That difficulty has been lessened somewhat by the re port current among ignorant Ottomans that the Germans have embraced the faith of the Prophet. AH, SWEET IS TIPPERARY By Denis A. McCarthy. - Ah. sweet Is Tipperary in the springtime of the year, When the hawthorn's whiter than the snow, When the feathered folk assemble and -the air is all a-tremble With their singing, and their winging to and fro; When queenly. Slleve-na-mon puts her verdant vesture on. And smiles to hear the news the breeses bring; When the sun begins to glance on the rivulets that dance— Ah, sweet is Tipperary in the spring! Ah. sweet is Tipperary in the springtime of the year. When the mists are rising from the lea. When the Golden Vale 1s smiling with a beauty all beguiling And the Suir goes crooning to the sea: When the shadows and the showers only multiply the flowers That the lavish hand of May will fling; When in unfrequented ways, fair musts softly playa Ah, sweet i* Tipperary in the spring!