The times dispatch. [volume], November 01, 1903, MAGAZINE SECTION, Image 28

About The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914

Image provided by: Library of Virginia; Richmond, VA

                
AN'S SUDDEN ATHLETIC FITS
The Idle Reporter Describes Our Frenzied Efforts to
Become Muscular Giants All in the Course of a Week.
WHY WOMEN SHY AT THEIR HUSBANDS' PHYSICAL CULTURE
Sweet busybodles of the feminine gen?
der, did you know that man, though your
physical, intellectual, moral and legal
superior, lias a certain weakness which
.' almost equals Fonw of jour own whims
and Idiosyncrasies in Its absurdity? It
is an Inborn, sneaking, never-ending de
. sire to be regarded Jan strong mid ath?
letic, and, what Is more. It is confined
.to .all classes and conditions of this par?
ticular species of tho bruto creation.
A man never gets so old or so decrepit
. that ho abandons his desire to be re?
garded ns a muscular giant of Homeric
vigor. To the very last, ho takes a secret
delight in tho supposed development of
his bleeps or chest, and surreptitiously
harbors the fond delusion that he is a
perfect type of masculine beauty.
"On the slightest provocation he will
shuck off his coat and bare his husky
.-orms to show others that he nnrro'wly
missed being a belt-winning pugilist or
; the world's champion wrestler. If, per?
chance, there happens to be some other
chap on hand who exposes a larger and
"more sinewy arm than the first exhibitor,
the outclassed Individual will apologize
by hinting that he, at least, has tho
' broader chest of the two, or that by tlio
means of n little systematic exercise ho
' could metamorphose himself into a lat?
ter-day gladiator.
This weakness which I am about to de
Scribe? perr.aps- It should lie called In?
stinct?Is nothing' short Of universal. It
Crops out on the most unexpected occa?
sions, and usual!/ finds verit In that pro?
cess bombastically known as physical cul
"turc. Any wife will recognize tho disease.
It nearly runs some of tho pettlcnated
, fault-finders crazy while the spells are
on, yet long and wretched experience
has taught them not to demur, but to
bear up bravely until the fever has burnt
Itself out1.'
? * ?
Just about hog-kllllng time every year,
I begin to get chesty and athletic myself,
and when these fits seize mo the Com?
mander-in-Chief forthwith commences
moving the furniture and bric-a-brac to
safe places beyond the reach of my eight
pound dumb-bells or my direful Indian
clubs. Sho no longer attempts to expos?
tulate or to d.ls^uade me from Umbering
up. !?ho simply looks sarcastic and lets
me wear myself out, while she mentally
charges up the breakage to profit and
loss. But on one point, at least, she Is
obdurate. Sho positively, stubbornly and
sternly refuses to get athletic herself.
When I beg and beseech her to accom?
pany mo on my Jong walks to the coun?
try?walking Is one of the symptoms of
tho malady?she scornfully ussorts that
locnmotlon on a four-cent trolley car Is
good enough for 'her. especially as she
has a wonderful knack of! bulldozing tho
conductors Into thinking that our thir?
teen-year-old son is under five, and there?
fore entitled to ride free.
No; there Is no persuading tho Queen
Beo to bo athletic. On the contrary,
supreme contempt is written on her face
when she sees me going through tho
various sweat-producing evolutions rec?
ommended to strength-seekers.
Once she gently suggested that I could
acquire abnormal agility and everlasting
suppleness by devoting an hour or so
every day during house-cleaning senson
to extracting carpet tncks or hanging
pictures. But I, of course, repudiated
the suggestion with !>corn, for man's
athletic fever never takes a practical
turn.
During my exercising spells I go In for
muscle?tho knotty, bulging, lumpy kind,
such ns Michael Angelo depicted In his
fresco paintings. While the spasms are
on mo, I am In a perfect flutter and
balk nt nothing, unless, Indoerf, one
counts such exertion as propelling baby
carriages, lifting coal scuttles or ex?
tracting carpet tacks.
The children nil grow wildly' excited
when, with the advent of frost, scaly
burlcs and persimmons, I solemnly de?
clare that I am leading too sedentary a
life, and that henceforth I shall take
more exercise. On hearing the announce?
ment, thoy first glance at tho household
stocking darner, as If they expected
somo sort of eruption from her, and then
mildly ask what form my acrobatic feats
will assume. Next they politely ro
quest that they bo allowed to witness the
contortions, for they have tho profound
est respect for the strength of their Pa
end Regard him as little less than at;
Ajax. They always enjoy a delicious
sense of expectancy, too, when they* see
me making preparations. In short, they
know that there'll be something doing
when I got started.
It never occurs to the precious little
Innocents to make Impertinent hints
about my Chippendale, legs, ns does a cer?
tain lady, nor do thoy allude to my peck
as being suggestive of a corduroy road.
On the contrary, when they see mo divest
myself of my coat and collar, roll up my
sleeves, and lift, with many puffings and
blowings, an eight-pound dumb-boll, they
admiringly exclaim: "Gee, but ain't Pa
strong!" This encouragement stimulates
mo to redoubled activity, and all thought
of my Chippendale legs and V-shaped
shoulders forthwith vanishes.
II generally takes mo about one minute
and a half to awake to tho fact that
eight-pound dumb-bells grow monstrous
monotonous after one has been Juggling
them for a few seconds, and then I forth- :
with resort to Indian clubs. It is nt this i
point that the tableau.becomes absolutely j
thrilling to tho children. They fairly ex
ult in the sense of Impending danger, for
thoy aro old enough to realize that when
I grapple with clubs anybody within a
radius of nine feet of my chest Is liable
to get brained. Prudence has long slnco
tnugh the brats to duck every tltrto they
nee mo wink my eye at thl3 stage of tho
performance,"- though they generally view
the show from under tlio bed or behind the
old hair trunk Which sots near the ward?
robe. They are wllllng'to tako tho chance
of being killed In caso I should lose.my
grip on the-clubs?In tact, that thought
rather tickles them, for what youngster
cares for any entertainment wldch locks
the clement of danger?
And then', tod, "it delights the "urchins
to hear my sinews and ligaments crack
end click under the unwonted strain and
activity, which generally lasts about two
minutes. .'??,. '
An Invariable but always blood-curdling
fcaturoof this number on the programme
In the Herculean whack which I accident?
ally give the foot-board of our inuch
esloemed mahogany tester bed?an antique
treasure which , thu Commander-in-Chle-f
loves better than, she does her own life.
The accumulated'.dents on this time-hon?
ored monstrosity ,show that I have had
the Indian club fever every year for the
last three decades.
..14.
It goes without saying that the combi?
nation of dumb-bells und Indian clubs
which I tackle on tlio first day of my
season's debut In athletics soon gives mo
a remorseful, bruised, gelatinous feeling
like that superinduced by a long Journey
on tho back of. a raw-boned mule. But
a little soreness and a general tendency
to wheezlness does not daunt mo. On
?seeing thjart. :tlHi fylng-sJzeirs njre still
interested and admiring, 1 change my tac?
tics.
"Children," say I, "It doesn't do for a
man to overtax himself In taking exer?
cise. It's science that tells. One can get
exactly the some, results by moderate but
regular exertion."
And hereupon I glvo an exhibition of
gymnastics without- accessories of any
sort. This we call the standing-up drill.
You stand perfectly still and endeavor
to touch tho floor with your finger tips
without crooking your knees. It Is splen?
did exercise, but the attltudo which one
must nocess-arlly assume Is ' what the
newspapers call, a ."compromising posi?
tion." In short, It Is calculated to burst
one's suspender buttons from- their orlg
Inalmoorlngs and to. split underclothing.
Then, too, a man built on the kangaroo i
plan, llko myself, doesn't know ,.ow far
his head and arms aro from a floor until !
ho undertakes this trick. Verily, before '
he gets half way down he fears lest his .
backbone crack llko a fragile stick of un?
cooked macaroni, and ho momentarily
expects to find himself sweating blood,
like a hippopotamus. Tho pressure is
ended by your knees giving a sudden bend
and tipping you over, face foremost, on !
?the lloor, lying so many leagues beneath |
you. You repeat this specialty several I
times, until the children's sense of humor j
becomes Insulting, whereupon you fiercely
shoo the whole covey out of your pres?
ence und yelp censure at their mother for j
training them in the evils of Irreverence, j
When tho youngsters have retreated,
however, you discover that.lt Is not half
so fascinating to bo strong all by your?
self, with no one to applaud you and com
paro your achievements to those of San
do w.
But the athletic fever has not yet burnt
Itself out; It Is merely abating and assum?
ing a more conservative temperature.
Upon reflection, you soliloquize thus, as
you feel your bleeps: "It doesn't pay to
get strong all at once or to attempt to
Juggle planets during the first week that
you are undergoing the anti-fat treat
ment. Evert tho great Roosevelt is stren?
uous on the Instalment plan." And there?
upon you diclde to get knotty, muscular
and callous by 16ng walks and cold baths
on days when the weather Is exceptionally
chilly.
Annually, when you reach this conclu?
sion, you solemnly dotormlno In your
heart of hearts to make your wlfo take
these walks with you. This determination
glve3 you .a. sense of exultation. You
feel that.you are doing the good woman
a great favor and showing her a most
Mattering attention. But good women, un?
fortunately, somotlmos got nuttyi Every
roof sholters some Commander-in-Chief.
Mine Is only a mild form of tho evil.
Thero are others who assume a moro ma?
lignant form. And so.^to make a long
story short, tho good woman balks at the
Idea of hoofing It all over the suburbs
rrerely for your health, and spurns your
kindly suggestions. The result? Onco
moro you call the children to the rescue,
and take the whole squirming string of
llveim out with you In your peregrinations.
Three-quarters of a mile from town tho
entire party (yourself Included) collapses,
and you all humbly come home on tho
tiolley car.
By this time?possibly In tho courso of
twenty-four hours?your efforts to bo
athletic havo bent your spine Into the
shape of a fish-hook; stretched your chest
as If It wero India-rubber; stiffened your
knee-joints until thoy feel as Inflexible
as a pair of celluloid cuffs; made your
shoulder-blades absolutely rheumatic;
bruised your muscles: strained your wrists
and taxed your Chippendale legs until
your whole personality suggests an In?
voluntary trip through a sausage grinding
niachlne. '
But you still haive one hope left?one
last resort guaranteed to make you firm
of flesh, rosy of cheek and strong of
limb?the cold baths. They are to be
taken in the morning?In the shivery,
misty, melancholy hours of the despair
breeding morning when you would almtwt
soil your soul for five minutes more of
?snuggKng under tho coverlets.
With a grim resolution born of mascu?
line vanity you mako tho awful, blood
congealing plunge into tho liquid Inferno.
Geo whlllklns, holy smoke and gosh-dlng!
you didn't know before how much thero
was of a man to get cold. For the next
half-hour you feci that you a/o air frozen
marrow' and chattering tooth and gooso
bumps. The only thing that gl'ves your
blood tho slightest circulation Is the su?
percilious look on the fact of your Com?
mander-in-Chief and the quizzical smle
which hovers around her thin lips. This
In time stirs up your wrath and makes
you warm. By and by, when she Inquires
after your physical development and sug?
gests that you appear' In evening dress,
low neck and short sleeves, so that the
public may admire your physique, you
grow -very, very hot. And bo endoth tho
athletic fever. But It Is scheduled to comr
again next year.
?t.-r^?^i..t?1_i..^^..r.1..t..t,.t..t.<..t,.^t^^tM^.^w^^^^^.^,j^^^.^.^<I^^.^>^>^.
Witling's of &> Retired Politician.
IT.
By FORREST CIRSSEY, Author of "The Country Boy.'
-*-* i i t?ft ? i 'i.i i-1 I'-.TTrrrrTvirnT
Dear Ned,?And so you've decided to
lake unto yourself a wife? Good! That
part of the departure isn't open to de?
bate. And neither is your observation that
you feel that your w.fc will have a "de?
cided Influence" on your political career.
But no being short of tlio Almighty is
able to give anything like a safe guess
on whether that Influence will bo of the
sort you urc pountlng on. This is one of
the things as inscrutlulo as the mystery
of godliness.
Any fair sample of common American
womanhood is a prize package for n
bachelor politician to draw, but when It
comes to the question of her influence
on his career, one guess is ns good us
another. And this uncertainty isn't a mat?
ter of the particular kind of fomnilno
loveliness that the woman in the case
happens to represent. Slio may be as at
tract-.'e as a lost bargain and us tact?
ful ns brook trout, and still manage to
warp your political destiny until it cracks.
X never see a young politician push his
h^ad into tho matrimonial lariat without
thlnk'ng of young Flournoy, ono of the i
first speakers out here, after tho Ter?
ritory became a State. His story shows i
how a woman's presence in the back- |
ground of a politician's llfo can change
the whole fa<3?, of the, landscape. i
When the.- AJmlghfy put the finishing '
touches to young K-iournoy's make-up und
hitched him up for life's heat, ho checked
him high. You remember that thorough- ,
bred Kentucky coll I u.-cd to drive, the
first year 1 occupied tho Executive Man?
sion? Head up; ears forward; set on a |
hair trigger and ready to shy at a butter- '
fly, and so sensitive that a harsh word j
would throw her into tho dumps for a'
whole day. If I had that little nvire now, j
I'd cull her "Flournoy." The young man :
was as proud as n. girl with her first long
?skirt and as ambitious as Lucifer. Ho j
""had a good ranch and kept severely to
himself until a little school teacher with
snappy, gray eyes, dimples and a cleft
chin, came from New York to teach DIs- j
trict No.'- 10. 1 nerer saw a bucket of ;
yrater bring a gopher out of his holo
quicker than that mitu of a schoolmnrm
brought Flournoy out of his shell. Ho
spruced up amazingly und never pasted
the school house or the place where Kite
boarded without wearing clothes that
would have graced a wedding.
Right at the start the young man got It
into his head that Mi-;s Dove was made
of superior clay, anil that her blood was
bluer than a royal whetstone. It never
occurred to him, for an Instant, that a
good, clpan, young chap like himself
was worthy to como Into liar pri Hence or
could be of the slightest posi ble interest
to htr unless hu could do some knightly
stunt that would specially entitle him to
her condescension. There's no doubt that
the girl was so dead lonesome and home?
sick that she would have g'.-von her shits
for the companionship, i f n kiu'i like
Fiounioy, and would have primped In
? front of tiie glass for an hour If she had
been given any reason to suspect that
ho plight call.
But the young rancher connoted to
adore at a distance and t'i Its awake
nights bchemlng about how lie mu!d dis?
tinguish himsell In the uyos of his lady.
Thoro wasn't very much doing in the
way ni opportunity fur old-fasb'f?nod he?
roics Ju:;t then and tlic-r.-. tlio prairies re?
fused to burn, tramps ke;it by of Hie
country for fear of being mci to work,
not a dog went mad, no \ii' '>?'. > ?'?'. rod ln?
suits to the lltto Bchool teacher, and alto-'
gather there wasu'i the slightest chance
for her knight to rush In au-i rescue her
from insult or peril.
Perhaps you think Flournoy didn't
figure on any of these tilings. That's
because you noi'er >;rv him. in..' glance
into his- big black eyes was l ke readlnj!
a whole historical romance ;;t -,i gulp.
You may take my word for It t!::it there
wasn't a dramatic possibility 11 ? -1 Hit
adoring lover hadn't I sured on. He saw
the whole (Situation through i'g'' ol chlvol
t>- eyes, and all he needed to fit him for
k knight was a little scrap iron clothing
iind a KOOll deal l.f bad I hi:;u;.i;i..
But In the absents of any better :?? u
of valor ho decided to take to politics. ,
We've been told, until we're tired, that ?
"all tho world loves* a lover"; but It's !
gospel truth Just the same?and when
Flournoy Intimated to the boss of his
district that ho wantod to go to the :
House the old Piatt In ovorall3 decided |
that, for once, he'd Indulge the luxury !
of a little sentiment. So he put the thli.g
through and landed Flournoy on the !
ticket. The opposition was mighty strorr*
that year, and if it hadn't been for tho
qulqt way In which the boss put forward
what the literary critics call tho "ro?
mance clement," his candidate certainly
would have been skinned at the polls. But
tho love affair caught tho fancy of all the
ok! boys and some of the young ones and
Flournoy found himself elected, address?
ed as "Honorable," and petted by the
whole community.
Before the smell of tho fireworks cele?
brating his election had been blown out
of the main street of Bullsoyo, Flournoy
bengan to receive telegnm-s, and delega?
tions from tho various factions fighting
for control of the Hotiso. He was Just
wise enough to play safety and not tJo I
up with any particular crowd?but ho |
was kept so busy returning the evasive
answer that he didn't have a chance to
call on the little school teacher and
throw I1I3 futuro at her feet. In tact, tho
very night when ho had put on his best
garments and his statesman's smile and
was walking tho floor In a mad effort to
screw up his courago for a call on his
lady, a malo siren, from another district,
dropped In und delicately Intimated that
stranger thing.s had happened than the
?:ectlon of Robert Flournoy as Speaker
of the House. And when tho political s'ren
closed his darkhorse song he left a book
of parliamentary rulos for young Flour- j
noy's perusal und Inspiration.
Thii poison worked 1=0 swiftly that, In?
stead of troadlng the cottonwood lane '
that l0-d t0 'Squire Baldwin's I10U30, where
the school teacher tjnrded, as he h.id ?
Intended. Flournoy sat str-ulils of a !
Ultelion chair, his head resting un its back
and his mind working on the splendid
possibilities ahead. It didn't take ldm
long to flguro that If a memoershi|< in !
the House was a strong card to pi.:y I
In bis su't for the hand of the I.adv, tup i
Speakership would bo a royal flam. If I
the stako had been his owi life he !
couldn't havo been In more deaily or.n
est, so lie concluded to wa't >i lilt and
mako a try for the Speakership liufore
he showed his hand.
Consequently, he sent his love u"n?r
Into committee for future repirt and
struck out for the capital. There ho
found tliliins split up Into thr-j? bunch?
es with party lines lost In tin msrnunde
for power, The Regulars and tlw in?
surgents wero evenly divided and ttn.-e
hungry Scouts held the balance of pow?
er. The Scouts stood out until the inyf
m'nute before tlio formal opening nf tj'a
House and it looked as If the deadlock
might be good for half the llfo of tho
set si in.
But just then the hatchet-fnceil old war
horse of the Insurgents, who hail whis?
pered the Blren song to Flournoy, took
a grip on the situation and showed thut
: e could Bpoll organization with n big
"O." He bud nn under Jaw like the low
<-r blade of a rolling m'll ?bears-Uio sort
that snips off sti-el rails as ea?y as a
small boy bites stick candy. And Ids eyes
that bad about ns much of the glow >f
human kindness as the points of tw>
diamond drills. "Old Jawbone." as tie
hoys called him. was a seasoned terrier,
who had t.n waiting, for years, to grt
hi*, teeth into a "Good Th'ng." He saw
t.z chance and made a lur.se for it.
Suddenly, out of the chaos of th'n^s
came the word that he had whipped thu
three Scouts Into lino and th'U. wl u
their vol's, the Insurgents would l"!t
young Flournoy into the Speaker's chair,
And they did It. too. In short order, after
the ?ta|? patronage had tii-qn pirro'nd
out to meet the demands of the Scout*.
Probably no Speaker ever carried lii-o
Hie big chair at the head of a S a'o
House of Brpreei'iitatlvrs a happier
i.-n-t than Flournoy'* H? fairly per.
| spired beads of Joy, A kltu-n with a
i C4111 balls of yarn jipnii &a,Ya made a
solemn spectacle alonfcside tho young'
Speaker. And a kitten presiding over a
pack of timber wolves would have been
an example of the eternal fitness of
things compared with young Flournoy as
the ruling oitioer of thut House. He had
no moro idea of tho nature of his Job
and the powers that were playing wl.h
him than a cocksparrow, caught In a
cyclone, has of (tho thing he is .up
against.
It meant Just one thing to Flournoy ?
tho girl! Beyond her, ho saw nothing,
knew nothing, cared nothing. His sud?
den pol Ileal honors were only trophies
to bo flung at her feet.
Just before adjournment, at tho clo-e
of tho (Ast week, he wrote Mies Lucy.
Dovo asking If he might take the lib?
erty of calling upon her Saturday even?
ing. And he didn't lose sight of the prob?
ability that she would bo duly Impressed
by the Imposing official stationery upjn
which his note was written.
Of courso, Just . what he said to her,
that night as they walked up and down
between the two long rows of cottonwood
In tho light of the autumn moon, Isn't
of record?excepting us It was written
in his faco when ho showed up at tho
beginning of tho week. One of the
boys who was In his open secret read the
Speaker's face with the remark: "Ho a
had his petlt'on hung ,up In tho hands
of n friendly committee, with an Intima?
tion of speedy and favorable action."
Sometimes the whole front of his coun?
tenance was hung with the bunting nt
assured hope?only to be changed, In tlio
space of an hour, to tho dark draperies
of threaten'ng despair. But the gnm<i
that was put up to birr. In the course of
tho week, was swifter than anything lie
had over thought of, and. together with
the wor?y about tlio young woman, it
wore him to a frazzle.
But, at lust, the members adjournid
for another Sunday at homo and ho
packed his grip and made for Bul'seVe
on the first train. The sight of young
Flournoy's face, when he returned, was
something to warm the heart of a cob?
blestone. Evop "Old Jawbone" ae'ually
thawed for an Instant under the radians
of It. Tho wedd'ng card was spread on
Flournoy's countenance In plainer terms
than on tho engraved announcement
that wero opened by the members. Mo
had won tho heart of the littlo school?
teacher as suddenly as ho had landed
tho Speakership. There was nil Irre?
pressible "Young Loehlnvnr" look in his
eye und he rapped his gavol with a new
ring of confidence
"Old Jawbone" figured that the right
minute had come to spring his b'grcst
game on the "boy speaker/' ns be some?
times called Flournoy. when talking wl h
the "gray wolves" of the Insurgent gang.
Consequently, ho had a private conforonre
with the Knight of the Chair and laid
out the lines of the gang programme. And
the layout was m rotten and highland a
a deal us was over put up by a butlcU
of Hl.lck Hills roa, i gents
There wasn't *ry moro duplicity 'n
Flournoy's composition Hum in an \nte
lopo and he sh'nl ojnVy at. the pr-vu.
sit Inn. Then "ho I'nilorjaw of the li>.
surgont chief set right and sudden and
ho said: "C5lv? ten ,.?,,, r lust word on this
to-morrow hum.
if Flournoy intended to tuko his bride
into his coiin.Fiuo c:i the matter no
changed his mind and fought It out Inaida
himself. Probably he was ash.an.0d lo
Show her what n dirty moss was being
brewed among the men who beonved to
his political camp. But ho knew nil
right, what the thing would look llktt
In her eyes mid that was enough for
him, He stood by the wli'te plummet
lino or her conscience, as he taw It. and.
prepared to abide by the results.
But he recognized that he was up
against the biggest sot-to ho \\ u| o -
countered since he had gono Into t'e
Knighthood busln&uMiut he had as littlu
conception of what could happen to him
as a baby left one a ra Iroitd track
Tliat noon, after he hud kissed his wife
n dozen time* mid received her promlsj
that sr.u would come to tho House In the
lourst) <,f tiiM afternoon, ha cinched u?
his armor and went Into the Speaker's
private room, ready Mr the joust v,-i<h
^hu Honorable "Jawbone." And ho ii?u
It hot, too. A .member passing the door
overheard the voice of the "boy Speak?
er" declar'ng: "Sir, you're a content] t
Iblo scoundrel?a"disgrace to your State
and your race! I'd rather die than do
the infamous thing you demand." And
to tho eavesdropping member belonged
to the Insurgent, gang he told this snatch
of stolen .conversation as a good Joke. In
five-inlnulcis. everybody in the House knew,
that the war was on.
"Old Jawbonols". fuco was the.color of
stale liver wbetti.lie came out Into tho
open?and the Speaker's as white ns a
sheet..- Flournoy's. legs faltered ns he
c31mbei| tho stairs to ha chair | nd
watched "Old Jawbone" scurrying to tho
scats of the faithful, like a.pirate pass?
ing orders for the' scuttling of a shl|5.
Suddenly thottlk-alcjinnt of the insur?
gents uroscj and,received J:be recognition
of. the cliAlr. ;\VHh'a "sperm-oM smile on
his face.ho slowly and'cnlmly moved the
adoption" of a. resolution deposing tho
Speaker oh tho ground of "gross incom?
petency."
"Shame! Outrage!" came the cries from
tlie -Regulars?and In the next' mlnuto
the word went down the line from their
lender to voto for the retention of the
man who had been seated by their op?
ponents. For the nCxt few minutes th-'ngs;
centered about the three Scou's. As the
young Speaker stood thero dumbly hoi 1
Ing'on to his. desk, a dazed, wlid look
in Ms eyes, the clerk put the motion with
a fog'horn voice. At that instant a sm'l
Ing uslier appeared In the doorway beside
tho Speaker's platform, followed by -three
women. They stopped suddenly. The
Sneaker's chalky- face tu/fned !n their
direction just long enough for ono elanco.
He quivered for an Instant, then dropped.
"The motion Is. carried," beliowod tho
clerk?but the scream of the wo-nnn who
leaped up tho stairs of the Speaker's plat?
form, cut the uproar like a knife. It was
i good thing that "Old Jawbrno" had
made himself scarce before the Reg"
lars realized what had happened. They
would have mado short work of him
Just then.
When the young Sneaker was revived
It was only to rave wldly about his wife
?and she wns about n? stark mad as ho
It was real tragedy with a vengeinc<>.
The strain had snapped the tout cord of
Flournoy's mentality. He lasted a weel'?
but never paw a sane mlnuto. Anil If ever
a broken heart looked out of a woman's
face?like a lost soul?It Inked from the
faco of the little school teacher, the t,ady
of the Lost Knight, as I have always
called her.
And so, Ned, do you wonder I say you
can't tell what Is go'ng to happen when
n woman-no matter how fine and good ?
conies Into the life of a man who Is in
tho scramble of politics?
Yours ever.
WIL.L.IAM. BRADI,KY.
7,
PRICE,
PER HALF CORD, AND A
QUICK DELIVERY.
Richmond cedar works
COLONEL MONROE'S DOCTRINE.
The Lincoinville Philosopher As?
serts That It Is Possible to
Place a First-Class Libra?
ry in Every American
Home for Less
Than a Bil?
lion.
7=1 hat
*J^ you
11 Jud
BY FREDERICK UPHAN ADAMS.
HA.T- was a, startling assertion
mado last week," said,
Judge Sawyer, addressing Col?
onel Monroe. "You said It was
possible, by the expenditure of
less than a billion of dollars to furnish
each of tho fifteen million American
voters with a library consisting of ISO
volumes. You declared that these books
would compare favorably with the b?st
specimens of the prlntor's art. In brief,
you claimed that at an expense of $ti7
the government could print, bind and dis?
tribute" 150 h gli giude books. That was
your statement; was It not?"
"That was what I said." admitted Col?
onel Monroo. "Deducting tho average ex?
pense of distribution, the.se books would
Cost about 40 cents 'apiece. I agreed to
supply as good books as commonly re?
tail for $4 a volume. In other words, the
use of this billion would give each Amer?
ican family as good a collection of books
as can now bu purchased for ?00O. I
thought this would bo a more practical
scheme than to spend an equal amount
of money In library buildings, or, for
that matter, for any purpose which' can
be named."
"If you could koop- your promise it
would bo the grandest investment ever
made In the history of the world," de?
clared Judge Sawyer: "but I am afraid
your forty cent books -would not con?
form to a very high standard of mechani?
cal or artistic excellence. But let us
hear your plan."
"Wo are nil agreed, I belluvo," said
Colonel Monroe, "that it is the books a
man owns nnd which are ever within the
reach of his family that do the most
good. The moro presence of bound vol?
umes Inspires a longing: for knowledge.
The public library Is all very well In Ita
placo, but tho educated, progressive, or?
derly and prosperous community Is the
one In which Its citizens read their own
books at their own hoarthsldos. I said
that If I had a billion of dollars I would
turn It over to the conscience fund of
tho general government, with a recom?
mendation that It be expended for books,
and In their free distribution I have fig?
ured on fifteen million sots of lno books
each Thtl Is n lit of books. Ji'^g^-I
will admit that?but one can do wonders
with a billion of dollars. It does not ro
so very far In n war, which Involves tho
destruction of life and proporty, but ' I
shall try to convince you that It wo^d
work tho marvels of magic when de?
voted to so grand a purpose ns the^ pro?
duction of books, You are suspicious
about the quality of tho materials nnd
workmanship In my proposed 'forty cent
books.' Lot mo show you something.
Here Is n book 1 recently purchased while
In New York. Look It over carofully."
Colonel Monroe handed to tho Judge a
cloth bound oopy of "Ivunhoo." Jtulgo
Sawyer examined It critically. It was
printed on fairly good paper, tlio type
was clear nnd tho Imprfwdnns oxcollont.
There were numerous Illustrations on a
bettor grude of paper. The binding was
plain, hut strong and serviceable. Tlio
JikI'/h remarked tlint It looked like a book
which might linve been bought at a spe?
cial sain for a dollar,
"I am frou to admit, however," ho
said, an he turned over the pngos, "that
It looks an wo!' ns many books for which
I have paid a dollar und ft half or two
dollars ench. How much did it cost you,
Colonel?"
"Twrntv-f've cent"," wns tho answer.
"I nought h sot a nix of thorn for a doll -r
an'* a half" ?''?: ...
"Then thoy wero sold at a loss," de?
clared thf astonished J- dge.
"Tbov wero not sold nt a loss," rettr'n
cd C'nlonol M-inroo. "I made till Inv^tl
giUlou and found iha? tnv TV! nty-f vo,
cent' puld th"0'' distinct nrol't*. Tho
manufacturer murte n profit. th? 'oh'-er
look nut his co^mW-lon and tb* ret'1 or
was chid I oiled. Tho fir too t of 'lint
bo:ik turned out |n lots of lOu.Odo did not
exceed fdevon cents n oopy."
"I will not dl'puio vui, hut It does not
seem i>ophII>Io." tmld .1 urt't* Hnwyer.
"YVhut tiist'ificn"i)n |* ihae fur charging
ji.Bi) or $:i for the o dlinry work of fic?
tion bli.-.'i-anliv or Ira els?"
"Thu tmiuu Ju.-.ilUcatiou that theiolu tor.
the price of all commodlt'es produced on
a petty scale, and which depend for Hie r
start on pushing and advertising," lepl.ed
the other. "Tho average book fails far
short of a circulation of a thousand.
Not one in a thousand ever reaches a salo
of lO.OuO. and those which reach sx fig?
ures are so raro that a well Informed per?
son can spoedlly name them. The cost
of composition. cd.Uag and of a do^en
other Items Is the same, be the ni. ion |
a hundred or a rollliun. But t,.o tin ,-.? ,
expense item In bo.jn.., of l..i-.led 1 .uiu- j
Hon Is tout of udvc.rt.8 ug. It ousts much
murcto belt- a-boon- tnanr-lt. d-es .o pro- ;
duce iu Too same U t.uc of un.-nij. . le
otner artio.es of necessity; u..d l.xury. j
There are clerks ai.d typewrites ta t-e' !
pa.d, the scalane.-, ana nuvfcl ng expenses j
of salesmen, tho fees ot luv.ye.s wno
uniw contracts. royalt.es to uutuos, cum- I
mlsstions to Jobbers, ai.d .-.euro, ut otiier ;
Items which aro all included in your tol- !
lnr and a halt. Tho firm wh-eh . Un - -
ed the book you have ,n your na..d had to
meet mu.-,t of these expenses, but . o ,.nn.- i
eu a bundled ti.ous.i..d .i.aiead uf a Uuu
sand. You. therefore, can buy It 10. a
Quarter Instead of six t.mes thut sum.
"The eleven cents actu.l.y ieprj e.ued
in tnat oook is di.ldc-u unung 1..0 i.-m
of P-per, la_or. cioth, i.k. tlno and tri.cud
?aoout in tne order na.,,ea." cotln.cd
Colonoi Monroe. )'Ti.o paper Ib ton roi
ed by a trust, which extorts enormous
prof.ts. The eame U true of u.e 1. k.
glue and tlireaa. und pa. tly true uf t e
cloth. It l.s st;o :o tunume tnat ihr .j
cents of the eleven suuiu as the irofl.
of theso corporations. The labor Item Is j
too high, not on account of the wages paid,
but because of that vast difference .n
the lauor cost of artlul.s pruuu.od !.?
small or large quantities. You must
bear In mind. Judge, that w th our bh. on
we are go.ng to produce th.se boo..s in
editions running into the m.lhuns. I i.uve
no douot but tnat unae, th- proper con
d.tlons the boo/, you hold can uo p.o
ilucLii and distributed tor six or s,e.<n
cents a copy."
"I must admit that you aro w.thln the
bound* of rea on," remarked Jud.,o Saw?
yer; "but tho proposition .s un ustu-i.d
mg' one. I ao not t I ovtr h ard
of a better Illustration of the w-s.o In?
cidental to the production of th.ngs ?,n
a smalt scale."
"It may seem like a wasto of tlmo to
cons.dor tho expend.lure of u til on ot
dullur.s for books," teriocted Cohnol Mon?
roe, "but it Is a lair st.gg.s l.n o. ihj
method which Ij certa n to n.o.nil In ihe
near, futuie. Eveiytliin^ w.ll bj uo..e
on a huge scale?everything pertaining to
produutlau. When pins were u.ado by
hand the housew.fe sco.fled ac tho piop -
et who asserted tnat a time w.Uid c mo
when five iiui.d-ed perfect pi..s could b
purchased for a pei.ny, l?or tha v.iy
same reason, the tl.i.e is at hand iihn
the cost prices will not c\et r an, otz n
from ownlriK a collection of pcrlect tOoKo,
This may come f om the enterprse of in?
dividuals or throu0h the govor m nt?no
one can toll which?but come It w.ll. Tho
day of small thl.gi Is almost tnaed.
"If tho government or ai inul.ldual
were to undertake the expenditure of a
bllhon of dollars In ti.e production of
books, a far different courso wju d b j
followod than t.iut pursued by tie p- -
lishers of to-d.iy. The avorago publ.sh r
doe's not own a pound of typo or a p lut?
ing press. He contracts for everyth ng
and pays profits on everything. But let
us see how the government wo Id g?
about the task, as u i Ing, of course, that
honest and capable men were at the head
of affairs. It has com . and of a tliousa. d
in lllon dollars?no moro than the private
fortune of o"o of its cltlz"ns. -It boghia
by puro using sp uoo or otl.e for sts trom
which to manufacture pulp f.r its , upor.
Then It erects its paper mill* ad n
sttills the wonderful ^modern machlnory
for that purpose. Slip ose wo h cato
those mils In Noithern New Yo:k, Our
vast print.ng plant inu t be o tlguoin
to a gioat cltv for cbvlous reaso s. We
will place It near Now Yoik. Both of
those plants will be of a magn tuelp whl h
will dwarf nny existing establl hmen's.
and wll cost mllll n< of dplir , b t ihj
item will be it small ono when contraMed
with the total of our capital. Iiic o t- ,
clals of tho .government would not be ho <!
foolish at* to pay existing freight ra.es ?,
between the paper mills and the printing
plant. It would probatly be eco-rmy to
construct and operate a ra.lroad Una
connecting the two. The cost of suc.i a
road would not exceed J10.0OO 000. I cm
tojal that paper mills of the required ca?
pacity could bo orectod tor tlSOJO,
0U0 and that an equal amuunt would pro
vlde for the printing plant. Tho lactones
required for the manure turc- of Inks,
glue, thread and other Items would de?
mand a comparatively sma.l Item. U'o
will assume that the grand total of all
of the expenses of Installing our b ok
printing plant?foreit lands, paper m lis.
railroad, pilntlng plant, arc eiigrnv ng
and the varioia depsrtmei.ts.. f. rm an
item of tM.COO.OOO. Til * Is mure than suf
f.clent, yet It Is only 6 per cent, of our
total capital.
"Wo aro now In a .position to produce
books with practically one Item 01 ex?
pense?that of labor. We do no adver?
tising. Wo puy no ntere t on money. We
employ no traveling men. We have no
competition. We have tno mo t peifeoc
plant 'which money and Ingenuity can
furnish. We can afford to enr-lov t.to
best artists, sc cntlsts anr* rnech?nlcj In
tho world. \\ o have an a: my f m n
under canaUe leudeishlp, de\oed t> the
one object of producing the ben b o a
ever fashioned s nee prfntirg was invent?
ed. Not a dollar goes for pro.' t, no a
penny for Inteiest. Under such cui d;
tlons. would It not be poislU.-, Jud^e.
to ptoduco a good book for 40 cen.s or
less?"
"It undoubtedly would," admitted Judgs
Sawyer. "Your figure* are duzzlln; .'r.d
your project an ln..p rir g one. but I am
afraid It is not practical."
"You think It la rn re practical to pay
J1.50 for a book wh.'ch should ba rro
duced for 10 cents. I suppose." remaik.-d
Colonel Monroe. \
"If tho government did such a thJng It
would tie socialism." declared Po tmaster
Jenkins, "and I'm opposed to anyih ug
like socialism. A man like Hoik.filler
could do a thing like that and make It
pay. but the go.er.Tiei.t woul I a*
money on It. And besides, It would ru.n
the book business."
"That's so. Jenkins." said the C lonel.
with a grim sm le. . "Your obj-ctlon Is
even moro 'ptactlral' than tha* offered
by the Judge. Since you both object I il
keep that billion."?Copyright, 1603, by
Freder.ck Upham Adams.
L J. Hayden
Manufacturer of
PURE
HERB
KtblUINE,
1? uuo ot niu Uruoleal li??wr? til uit> oic un
uuiiu. iiiu. an ij,,,f,.at-. ur uu luurgti. 1 cure
i.ii iii.tuHj uint i*it* kuuwu lu lun uiiumu mce
ur uu ujuikV, uu uiiin.i- uliui juur Ulx-aaii, tick'
ntoo, ui- fauiiulauu tuny Ik. umj rmturs }uu (?
pui-niul iiu..uu. 1 cutB tlie iuiiu.tUjn oUviuMt
IKui I Olauaao. CuUnuulUllua, .Jluuu. Uliluur,
Uu-r, UluUilur. t'llt-b iu uuy lunu, Vurugo,
vjuuioi. ,,?i. t'iruut, l.uiisa. lir?pi'u?lu. luiltijci
Uuu. Cuii?i]|i-,tiiiu, UbuuuiutUui lu uay turn,
I'ulim, nail Acbea 0( UU)' kluii, CulllS, tllUuCllUl
liuubiiu, Suits, tiklu iJiai'UKUB. all Itctiluif boo
tutluuH. Lu uirlppu. or I'm-umunlu, IMt-i-r*. Car
euucii.-s. Hulls, i'iiiii-it Ibu iviirnt (ura>?. with?
out the use of knife ur Instruments; hazema,
I'liHult'ii un diet' mill lioil.v; I'lubeU'a uf kliluejt,
ur liriulit'a plueiise uf the Klttuuv*. I cur* any
diamine, ? no umtler ot what nature. Modlctne
?nit to iniv uit.li-i'sa hy ..siirt'HH. For full mr
tlculura hoiii) u iM'i'iit Htunui for unrnvur. Prance
?tore. No. -104 Wot llroitd Siri'iit. Rlrlnnnud. V*.
Vigorous Rubbing
with Dixie Nerve and Bono Liniment will
euro Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Drawn
Muscles and Sinews, Enlarged Joints.
Pains In Sides, Back, Shoulders and
l.imbs, Best on earth for Man and Beast,
For a lame horse It has no equal.
"The Staff of Life,"
in one of its agreeable forms is a
loaf of French bread such as leaves ,
our ovens daily umny times multi?
plied. Every one who lias onco tried
our sort of French bread comes
around for more. Pretty good proof,
isn't it,' of its excellence? Ask for
BUOMM'S French Dread.
L. BROMM,
?16 E. Marshall Street.