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MR. DOOIXY ON WHAT TO DO WITH ROOSEVXLT
By F. P. DUNNL . Pictures by GORDON ROSS
'If He Don'tStep Out He's Pushed?an' Down He
Comea."
(Copyright, 1907, by 11. II. McClure & Co.)
SEE," said Mr. Dooley, " our f rind
Tiddy Eosenfelt has been turned
down f'r th' job iv Prisidint iv
Harvard Colledgo."
"Was he lookin' f'r th' job?"
asked Mr. Hennessy.
" It appears so," said Mr. Dooley. " He says
not, but ho imist'ye put in an application with
a saiuple iv his penmariship an' sthrong ric
comindations fr'm Taft, Foraker, Fairbanks, an'
Bryan, f'r an aged schol'ar livin' in Matsachoo
getts has reluctantly consinted to have liiinsilf
intherviewed on th' subjick. He is an overseei
or undhertaker, as ye might* put it, iv that
proiul cimitary iv meditation, aa Hogan says,
ah' lie speaks as follows: 'I havo heiird it
brutcd in th' publio prints that an ad ha8 ap
pcared in th' personal column, suggistin' that
a gintleman approachin' fifty, sound in all par
tieklars, was dosiro.us iv obtaiain' a position as
Prisidint iv a univarsity eituatod in somo town
near Boston. Address T. R., Wash., D. C. I
supposo he means Harvard. It is a very lau
danum ambition, but is ho qualifiod f'r th' job?
I think not. It is porfcctly nachral that a man
who has held th' comparativoly innocint place
iv Prisidint iv th* United States shud want to
go highor. But I must flag his vaultin' ambi?
tion. Speakin' as th* on'y survivin* member
in Danvers iv th' class iv eighteen eight?ruff?
ruf f?ruf f?ruff?ruf f?Hnvud I?-Good gra
cious, I'vc swallowcd mo teetli?no, it'a all right
?I wish to say I'm again him. I stand com
mitted to ayether Profissor II. Jiggs, th' well
known botaniBt, or J. Q. Pillscory, th' prom'nent
banker iv Boston. Wo must have no Prisidint
iv Harvard who has iver been brought in con
tact with that cobrse, predytory, crool, vicious
anymile, The Boy.'
"Whin this sayin was raypoorted to Tiddy
Bosonfolt, ho give a light laugh that blow down
gr-rcat treos an' wrecked a number iv small
traft on th' Pottymack, hn' says he: 'Pooh!
I'vo as much thought iv bein' a chiof iv th'
Apache thribo.'
" Whin th' Apaches heerd what th' Prisidint
said they wero much disturbed. They say they
ar-ro an activo people, but it's wan thing to be
out all day scalpin' their neighbors an' if s an?
other thing to have to put in twinty-four hours
on th* job. Evon an Apache requires a certain
am&unt iv sleep. They say that if Tiddy Bosen
felt carries out his thiteat they'll put on their
pants an' come into town. There's a good deal
iv feelin' on th' subjick. Th' Apaches say with
truth that Harvard Collcdge give Tiddy Bosen
felt to th' Nation an' ouglit to take him ba'ek.
Harvard Colledgo says Tiddy Bosenfelt didn't
come fr'm there, he wint fr'm there. There's
a diff'renco. Th' Apaches say ho's a Harvard
man, an' th' Harvard men'say ho's an Apache.
Th' day nfther he made his* announcemint, old
Chief Afraid-iv-To-morrow was intherviewed be
a rayporthcr iv Th' Tombstone Epitaph1?an' a
good paper it is, too?an' says he: 'Th' an?
nouncemint that Misther Bosonfolt wud sooner
be Chief iv th' Apaches thin Prisidint iv Har?
vard fills us with chagrin an' nlarum, which
are two things we don't want to be fillod with.
Agcncy beef, dead horse, dogs, an' snakes ar-re
good atin'j but chagrin an' alarum ar-re bad
f'r th' cligestion. I say now we won't have him.
Ho's too activo a man f'r us. Hd doesn't uu
dhcrstand th' thrue inwardness iv that old
Apache feelin'. I have been in communicabion
with our frinds at Car<ibridge, an' I havo pro
posed a joint comity iv definso composed iv th'
followin': F'r th' Apaches?Gila-Monsthor
with-th'-Plug-Hat, Old-Man-Catch-a-Cold, Poke
iu-th'-Lamps, an' Mud-Horse-Charley-Who-Eats
Battlesnakos-Hcad-Downwara; f'r Harvard?
.Prisidint Eliot, Profissors Hill, James, anVSan
tlyana. With this sthrong body iv intellochool
leaders wo feel that we can defind our cherished
itostitutions an' repel th' outraygeous attimpt to
iiinke us wurruk overtime.'
"An' there ye ar-ro. I don't know where
Tiddy Bosenfelt will land, onless 'tis in th'
Middle West, where we're a kind iv a cross be?
tween Harvard an' Apache. He's welcome.
We'll push over an' make room f'r him. We'll
find a job f'r him. Be hivins, ho can have
niino. This here neighborhood -is gettin' too
tough f'r- me. Th' place needs a sthrongor
hand.
"'Tis a gr-reat question always with us,
what're we goin' to do with our ex-Prisidints.
To stop bein' Prisidint is like jumpin'- out av
a balloon without a parachute. F'r four or
eight years a man is up in' th' clouds, an' thin
suddenly he is rayquistod to step out into th'
cold March air an' rejoin th' boys that havo
boen lookin' up at him. If he don't step out,
he's pushed, an' down he comes. ' Oh, look at
him.' He's gottin' nearer an' nearer. We can
seo his face now. It ain't much iv a face afther
all. Is that th' face wo thought so sthrong ?
Well, well! His clothos don't fit him. His
necktie ain't on sthraight. He'a very fat. Hear
him talk. He talks th' same foolish way we do.
His'voice squeaks. 'Twas th' Prisidincy that
made it eeera so sthrong. Th* White Houso is
a gr-reat soimdin' boord. In a week's time he's
wan iv us, no more, no less. Polismen movo
him on if he stands on th' corner too long. Ho
has got to do something to make a livin\ He
takes up bankin'. A few weeks ago he cud've
elbsed anny bank in th' counthry, an' now he
can't keep a bank iv his own open. Ho thries
to practice law, an' a Judge that wanst come
into his office on his stummick now gives a
hearty smile at his argymints. There's nawthin'
ho can do as well as somobody else. Our old
Frind Eutherf ord B. Haycs was a good Prisidint
f'r wan that got into th' job with a dark lantern
an' a jimmy, but as a raiser iv chickens there
wasn*t an old lady with four cochin chinys in
Ohio that didn't look down on him. It makes
a lot iv diff'renco in th' game whether ye're
dealin' or bettin'. I'm a lof ty an' imposin' man
to ye, Hinnissy; but what kind iv a figure wud
I cut on ye'er side iv th' bar? No, Sir, I take
back what I said about givin' up me job as
Prisidint iv this bar to Tiddy Bosenfelt. Ho
can't havo it. I'm a candydate f'r roiliction
f'r th' "tenth term, an' th' divvlo take Georgo
Wash'nton an' his example.
"Yes, Sir, 'tis a gr-reat questjon what we'll
do with our ox-Prisidints. But ^itt ain't ra-aly
much iv a question afther all, d'ye mind. It'a
something I think iv whin Fvo read through
all th' advertisemonts in th' pa-apcrs, wound
me watob. countod up th' cash, an' am waitin'
f'r some Ihriflih' amusement like a visit fr'm
you. There's nawthin' else to. think iv, an' I
think aboat that. But if ye think much about
annythin,;, no matther how thriflin'it may bo,
it gots to be a3 a big as a lone house painted
red. I begin to think iv nawthin' but our ex
Prisidints. They threaton th' land* They ob
6cure th' sun. They'ro divastatin' our crops.
I'm no sooner settled down to sleop thin an
ox-Prisidint is knockin' at th' dure soekin'
shelter. I must get up an' give him me bod
an' go to sloop on th' flure. Th' ex-Prisidints
will eat us out iv houso an' home. Thoy'll in
crease so that in a few years respootable people
will have no 6ay in th' goYornmint iv th' coun?
thry. They'll be formin' unions an'vleagues;
they'll boss usv; thoy^P tyrannize ovor us; wo
won't bo ablo to say our souls ar-re our own.
On th* other hand, if we don't threat thim
right, what'll happen?. They'll havo to tako to
ignoblo pursootsj ex-Prisidints will be paa
handihr1 on th' sthreet corners; they'll be grind
in' hand organs; they'll crowd th' thrades nn'
profissyons; they'll dedthroy th' dignity iv th'
office so that no wan'll iver again thry to be
Prisidint.
" 'Tis a fearful prospect, but on'y f'r awhile.
An' thin I wake up. Ye poke ye'er cherry face
into th' dure an' I'm brought back to enrth.
I raymimbcr that in mo lifctimo there havo
?aiver been more thin two or threo ex-Prisidints
alive at wan time. That makes it aisy. What'll
we do with our ex-Prisidints? says ye. I don't
know what to do with th' Eyetalians, th' Huns,
or th' naygurs. They're too manny f'r me. But
whin it comes to dalin' with two or threo old
gintlemen out iv a job, I'll tell ye what I'll do.
I'll do nawthin'. That's what I'll do. Anny
man that gets to be Prisidint iv th' United"
States don't need to have anny conservator ap
pinted f'r him. Ye bet he don't. A man with
that much luck cud make a comfortable livin'
takin' chances on sofa pillows at a church fair.
" No, Sir, th' question iv what we'll do with
our ex-Prisidints is on'y important to th' ex
Prisidints thimsilves. We'll say to thim:' Ye've
often told us wo w^re th' most ehlightened,
th' freest, th' kindest, an' best people in th'
wurruld. Well, we're goin' to do something
fine f'r ye. We're goin' to make ye wan iv us. ?
Last week je were oiir servant. Ye said so,
though ye often come out an' batted us over
th' head with a potato masher. Ye were our
servant, but we're goin' to promoto ye. We're
goin' to make ye an equal. We're goin' to take
ye out iv th' kitchen. There's a new cook in
there now. I can hear him throwin' ye're soup
stock, out iv th' window an' sayin' that ye'vo
injured th' etove beyond repair. Take that big
aisy chair near th' fire, fall to with knife an'
fork, an' thank th' Lord ye don't have to ato
ye'or own cookin'.' An' th' ex-Prisidint squares
away an' puts in th' rest iv his life criticisin'
th' mannors iv th' fam'ly an' mutterin' botween
his teeth,' What a bum cook.'
"But it must be a har-rd job to let go iv.
It's a sthrangc thing, th' diff'rence between th'
man without th' job an' th' man with a job. An
American citizen in a Prince Albert coat an*
a plug hat gocs up Pinnsylvanya Avenoo fol<
lowed by two milishy rigmints, th' Chamber itf
Commerce iv th' Disthrict iv Columbu3, th1
waiters' union, an' th' Wnsh'nton baseball tearn,
He's an American eitizen with a plug hat an' a
Prince Albert coat, an' that's all ho is. Xeafi
ivry wan calla him be his first name. He climba
up on th' grand stand, me frind Melvillc Fuller,
that uscd to have an office in Dearborn Sthreel
befurc ho abandoned th' law, says a few-wiirruda
to him, an' suddenly he's as much changed aa
if he'd been born again. In about two minnyita
he.gets a booet th' liko iv which was nivet
known. A Iving is always goin' to be a King.
But no wan is iver goin' to be Prisidint till
about twelvo o'clock noon on th' foorth iv
March, an' in a minnyit afthor ho's not a King,
but an ace. He's th' whole thing. He sweepa
th' boords. He may be a littlo scdred at first,
but there aro plenty to tell him that annything
he does is all right. ' What kind iv blooin' ia
it that ye put into th' sea to make it so blue,
Misther Prisidint?' "Tis a fino moon ye'va
ordhered out tp-night.' His story is th' bestf
story' iter told; th' foorth-class Post Officea
rock with laughter at his jokcs. A Gin'ral in
th' army steals th' fountain pen that lie signed
th' bill f'r dhredgin' Akefinakee Creek with.
Two millyon chiidher are named afthor him. H
isn't sthrange that befurc he's long in th' of?
fice ho begins to wondher whether if he goes
out something won't crack. 'Tis th' gr-reatest
thing in th' histhry iv th' wurruld that a man
that's held this job shud be willin' to dhrop
down to th' sthreet lovcl, whore's he's li'ble to
be run "over be a dhray if he isn't careful. I
wondher if anny iv tliinl iver was willin'. I
BuppoBe they'ro helped out be th' thought that
if they thry to set too long in th' chair they'll
find a tack in it." "**
" What wud yo do if ye were an ex-Prisi
dint ? " asked Mr. Hennessy.
" Well," said Mr. Dobley, " if I wanted some?
thing rale hard to do, something that wud keep
me busy an' take up all me time to th' end iv
me days, l'd thry to be Prisidint again."
