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"I can't see th' clock f r lookin' at th' pipe."
"An up ye come, Hmnissy, with th' big banner." 4 t\?T I ^^L, s'r'" sa"^ -^r- Dooley, "if there's \A/ wan thing thai St. Pathrick did f'r [retand that i like betther thin anny thing else His th' day he fixed f'r his birthday. Mc convarted th' haytnen chief?, 'tis thrue. an' he dhrove out th' snakes, an' a good job he made iv both, but he niver showed his saintly characktcr betther thin whin he fixed on th' Sivin tccnth iv March f r his birthday. "No wan knows whin he was boi-rn. He wudden't tell, an' no more wud I. Rut he was a thoughtful an' a janyal man, Hinnissy, an' say* he to hinisilf: ' Tv c.oorse afther I've gone fr'm this pleasant island to return no more th' pood people that come atther me will want to cillybratc me birth. I've got to fix a date f'r thim whin it won't be a hardship. It must he a big day that ivry wan'!l look for'ard to with hope an' look back on with regret that it's past.' So, bein' an injanyous man as well as holy an' well read in th' calendar, he named a day that was sure to fall somewhere^ in th' middle iv Lent. An' now about this time iv th' year I'm beginnin' to get tired iv lx:nt. It's a fine thing in its way an' 'tis betther an' cheaper thin that place where veer boss goes whin he's had too much to ate and dhrink?Carls? bad, that's it?besides bein' good f'r th" sowl as well as th' body. " Bu* about th' end iv th' first month I begin to feei that I'm too healthy an' tar betther thin anny man ought to he in this sint'ii! wurruld. Sthranpe things happens to me. I find that I can lose me temper an' sti',i keep enough f'r a quar'l with me best triads. Th' si^ht iv a fish hook makes me tur-rn pale, h'.pps has lost their freshness. I refuse credit to all me customers but th' Jew an* th' herytic as a matthcr i\ principle. Whin I po to wind th' clock I can't sec it f'r lookin' at th' pipe, that 1 pui on th' shelf back on Shrove Cho?s fJah. I wondher whether I can last. 1 begin readin' up rellipous hooks to cee whether th' rewards is akel to me heeroyic sacrifice. An' I'm almost ready to thrade in a couple iv millyon years f'r wan pipe full iv kinnikinnick whin th' corner iv me eye catcher th' date on th! top iv a pa-aper. It's on'y two day? to Pathrick's dnv, an' a caunile-e man can stick it out But, dear me. th' Sixteenth iv March is a long day. it's th' longest day in th' year. Hay then asthronorriers say it ain't, bin 1 know betther. An' be th' same token th' Sivintccnth is th' shortest. It's like a dhfeam. It dott'i last more thin a minyit. hut a millyon things ran happen in it. Annyhow, it com<is ar-rour,!: at .3?-. Manny iv me frinds goes out to meet it Not me, mind ye. But ye can bet I'm standin' on th.' durestep waitin' f'r it with rne. pipe in :r.e hand; " I'm woke up be a detachment iv th' A-Oh Aitehes fr'rn Brighton Park nv.rchin' by with a la-ad blowtn' 'Garry Owen' on p. fifo?a chime that's made war a pleasure in ivry part iv th' wurruld. They've took no chawes iv hein' left out iv th' parade, but Martcd befnre davhi-ouk. 'All th' r-rouu is bloomin' in preen There ar-re green fiag6 with yejtow harps on thins in tvey window excipt O'LearVs, an' hr puts out what he calls th' 1 pagan sunburst iv oF Ireland,* which was th' flag he says that we followed beture we were conyarted. lie's tIi' tur-rblc haythen, but Father Koily says : ' Xivct mind him. He's th' on'y citi/en in tli' ward, excipt th' foreigners, that I have to thry to convart,' he says. ' Rut f'r htm,' he says, ' I'd f'rgct all me argymints, maybe become soft an' lo3c ir.c punch. Don't bother him. He keeps itic in intclcchool exercise,' he says. ' An' he's a good man besides,' he says, littt ivry body is an Irishman on Pathrick's day. Schwartzmcistcr comes up wearin' a green cravat an' a yard long green bailee an' says, ' Faugh-a ballagh, Flerr Dooley,' which he thinks is Irish f'r ' good mornin'.' Rut ye niver can teach him annything. He's been in this counthry forty years an' don't know th' language. Me good friurl Ikey Cohen itnes us, an' 1 ohsarve he's left th' glassware at home an' is wearin' emeralds in th' front iv his shirt. Like as not along will come little Hip Lung fr'rh down th' sthreet with a package iv shirts undher his ar-rm an' a green ribbon in his cue. " Over at ye'er house there hasn't been so much excitement since Chris'nias mornin'. Th' childhcr ar-re up befure th' first milk wagon goes by an' ve're up an' ar-round not long afther, f'r ye can't ?hlcep with thinkin' iv ye'er responsibility. This is th' day ye have to carry th' big banner in th' front iv th' Roscommon men. an' 'tis no sinycure. It takes a thoughtful m?h an' a sthrong an' svire footed man. an' ye're a!! that f'r a little man. P'vc mind th' windy day in sivinty-four whin ye were blown acrost th' sthreet an* down into Clancy's cellar? Ye were th' comical sight. Ivry time I think iv it I have to laugh. Rut ye weren't as bad as Lonergan. They do tell me he was rarrid three blocks off th' line iv march an' sus? pended fr'm a sicond story stoop. " Th' first thing ye ask whin ye get up is: ' What kind iv a fine mornin' is it?' An' th' good woman says: ' It's rainin' pitchforks.' 'What's a little dampness on such a day?" says ye. Afther ye'yc had ve er breaklaM it's time to get out th' iiat. It's in a closet in a band box an' th' good wife has had th" dent ir'ned out iv it that little r'ac'r.\ kicked in it whin ye put it on th' (lure iv ?if pew on Chris'mas day. Ye thry it on an' ivry wan says it's most becomin' an' as good as new. Thin ye hoist on th' regalia, an' nut yc go lookin' like a whole prn-cissyon all be ye'ersilf an' with th' fair ly noses flattened agtin th' window to see yc start. "Will I march? I can't, Hinniesy. I've got to a time iv life whin me feet ar-re ahnoit sta? tionary. They stopped waikin' long ago. I have to tow thihi now. Rut if ye'll east, ye'er eye over at th' northeast corner iv th' sthreet below an' tea a dignified lookin' gintleman standin' in a group Iv ladies an' childhcr, with two Hinnisetes on his ahouidhcrs an' another on his head, that'll be me. I've promised to t?kc ye'er fam'ly to see th' ol1 fellow battlin' with th* ilindnts. " Th1 sthroets ar re lined with peopla, but there la no disturbance They have no throublo kcepin' th' poiis in ordher. Did yc ivcr see a oolisman get rough with a Pathrick's day crowd? There was wan wanst. 1 know because I helped bury him. This is wan day whin th' constablry has got to have manners. It's no longer ' Get back, there,' but ' Won't ye plazc stand back out iv th' way % ' Come an' put mc back.' ' Won't yc kindly step back?' 'I will not.' 'But th' lady behind. y? can't see.' ' Why didn't yc say so at first? Ex-cuse me, madam. Step right up. Kring up th' childher. Terence, get out iv th' way. Officer, take off ye'er hat an' keep movhV. D'ye think ye're made iv glass because I cud say a wurrud an' break ye?' "It's a long wait, but nobody minds. It's nachral. It takes time f'r to start a Pathrick's day parade, because ivrybody looks as though they ought to be in front. There ar-re manny false alarums an' cries iv ' Here they come ' fr'm th' childher. Firi'lly a fellow that's been up on a lamp post since 8 o'clock gives a shout, an' befure ye can think it's begun. Out in front on horse? back is th' chief marshal. Nivcr did a horse cut up th' way that horse does. It waltzes first, thin it does a jig, thin it polkies over tor'ds th' crowd till th' ladies scream. Ye'd think it'd been loaned be an inimy an' is thryin' to throw th' marshal off. Rut is that hero scared? Yc bet he ain't, lie sets as aiiy on th' deck iv that animal as if he was in a rockin' chair at home. There's a supecryor smile on his face. He waves his baton at th* checrin' popylacc. Be hivens, th' man cud ride a ibex. " Afther him comes his aides. A fine body iv horsemen, all but Clancy. Whin he stops in front iv me he says: 'How do I look?' 'Ye look fine," says I. ' But pride gocth befurc a fall,' says T. ' Go on with yc,' says he. ' This charger cudden't throw me in a hundherd years,' he saya. ' Well.' says I, ' I've r-read in th' good book that th' proud will be humbled an' thim that ride on Pathrick's day will walk th' r-rest iv th' week,' I says. " Thin comes th' dhram major with a bearskin cap on his head, an' he throws th' stick to th' top iv Finucane's hall an' catches it on th' end iv his little finger. ' Is that pah-pah?' says ye'er young? est. ' It is not,' says I. ' That man is paid, an' there ain't money enough in th' wurruld to pay ye'er father i'r what he's goin' to do,' sayB I. Hooray! There goes th' band. It's a German band, iv coorse. Th' pa-apers laugh at us f'r that, but, faith, I don't see th' joke. Iv coorse, we've got to hire Germans. What Irishman cud "Out in front on horseback is th' chief marshal/' ye get to blow a Tittle piekeloo on a day like this? Th' on'y time I iver saw an Irish musicyan in a Pathrick's day band he'd volunteered to play th' bass dhrum. An* I want to te.ll yc that dhrum knew who was th' masthcr befure th' day was over. " But niver mind. They're playin' ' Th' Wearin' iv th' Green." Hit it up, me brave Ba varyans! More exercise with that thrombonc, Looey! Stop coaxin' that dhrum, Hans! D'ye think ' Th' Wearin' iv th' Green' is a lullaby? Here they come?th' Zouaves, th' Hibernyan Rifles, th' ancient ordhcr. Thin a fine bunch iv Kerrymcn. Well done, Kerry! Here's th' Cork onvans! Look at th' crowd Iv thim! Is anny body left behind in Cork's own city? That's Tipp'rary. Hurrah f'r th' Tips. An' Kilkenny! ' Iv all th' towns in Ireland, Kilkenny f'r me.' See th' dark May-o men ! ' Re th' blessed sun 'tis royally I'll sing thy praise. Mayo.' An' Wcx ford ! Play ' Th' Boy6 iv Wexford,' ye Dutch? men ! What'? that noise up th' sthreet? Here they come. Here ar-re th1 fellows fr'm th' best county in Ireland. See thim; will ye, with their martial thread an' their chins in th' air. They make all th' rest iv th' parade look like, pigmies. Roscommon, Roscommon f'river! Lave go iv me, I tell ye. I will march with thim. O, me poor feet, me threacherous, informer feet. " An' who's that out in front? Look, childher, look, I tell ye. There he is. "There's da-da. An' up ye come, Hinnissy, with th' big banner bellyin* in th' wind above ye'er head an' th' staff stuck so deep into ye that maybe 'twill take Dock O'Leary to *get it out. Ye can't look ayethcr to th' right, or left. Yc can't see where ye're goin'. Ye'er eyes ar-re sthraight ahead. But if that banner goes ye're goin' with it. 1 Hang on, me frind. Tack, tack. Throw her over. Bring her around. That's it.' An' so ye go by an' I gather up th' childher an' take thira home to put out th' slippers in front iv th' stove an' make th' poultice f'r ye. " Well, I didn't intlnd to got excited over this Pathrick's day, but somehow or other ivry time it comes ar-round I feel like goin' up on th' roof an' singin' ' O'Donnell Aboo' so all may hear. I don't know why." " Maybe " said Mr. Hennessy, " 'tis because ye're Irish." " I hadn't thought iv that," said Mr. Dooley. " P'raps ye're right. It's something I niver have been able to got over. Be this time it's become an incur'ble habit. Annyhow, 'tis a good thing to be an Irishman, because people think that all an Irishman does is to laugh without a reason an' fight without an objick. But ye an' I, Hinnissy, know these things ar-re on'y our diversions. It's a good thing to have people size ye up wrong. Whin they've got ye'er measure ye're in danger." " Sometimes I think we boast too much," said Mt. Hennessy, "Well," said Mr. Dooley, rt it's on*y on Path? rick's day we can hire others to blow our horns f'r us." tCopyrttfbt: iSUi By PlnUy r?t?r Puna*.;. .