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/trimitm a CLARK 4 IflE return to America of Mr. and Mrs. Nicholas Longworth after their honeymoon trip abroad gave to Representative Henry S. Boutell, Republican, of Chicago, an oppor tunity to have considerable fun at the expense of the Democrats. It is known of course that one great 7 political party looks to Thomas Jef jvv ferson as the apostle and prophet of the simple democratic life, and knowing this, Mr. Boutell, who ap parently had been reading some ancient records, tried his best to tmdermine the “simple life” pedestal upon which Thomas Jefferson stands. There were some people apparently who thought that Mrs. Longworth, who Is ex-Presldent Roose velt’s daughter, might return from her honeymoon trip abroad, where she was treated In a measure like a royal personage, in a frame of mind in which pride was dominant and that she might have lost Borne of her American simplicity. Representative Boutell made a speech which of course did not have Mrs. Longworth for its central subject, but he In troduced matters by saying that she would return to America, “not Princess Alice, but the same modest, unassuming daughter of the president that it was her wont to be.” Mrs. Longworth came In to Mr. Boutell’s speech only as an incident of discourse, the Republican representa tive’s main intention being apparently to attempt to re fute the statement made by Representative Wheeler of Kentucky that the Republi can party under present ad ministration was introduc ing “truculent sycophancy and flunkeyism” into our Intercourse with representa tives of foreign powers. The Chicago Republican looked at the Democ racy’s Mississippi chieftain (now a United States senator), then turned his eyes to the then sub chieftain, Champ Clark of Missouri, and said: “I wish to read a few words of Thomas Jefferson.” The chieftain looked more than a bit startled. “I read from the ‘Complete Writings of Jeffer son,’ by Ford,” w r ent on Mr. Boutell slowly. “It appears from this letter that Adams was Just about to go as a business agent of Jefferson to London, and after giving him several commis sions, he writes: “ ‘One further favor and I am done; to search the Herald office for the arms of my family. I have what I have been told were the family arms, but on what authority I know not. It is possible there may be none. If so, I will with your assistance become a purchaser, having Btearne’s word for it that a coat of arms may be purchased as cheap as any other coat.’ “So here we have the founder of the Democratic party Just dabbling, as It were. In syncophancy — not very truculent as yet.” There was no quick recovery on the part of the Democratic memberr from this blow, which, while directed fair at their idol, hit them hard in glancing. Finally, Mr. Sulzer, the East side tatesman, recovered sufficiently to ask in what it was that Jefferson had commissioned a man to buy the coat of arms. On learning that It was in the year 1771, Mr. Sulzer said, with an Intonation that show’ed he had found a grain of comfort In the thought, “That was five years before the revolution.” The New York representative’s consolation morsel apparently was not big enough to go round among his neighbors with an appreciable share of each. It was a bit hard to learn after many years that the man who wrote the immortal document beginning with ringing words about equality had been trying to buy something -which would go to show that he "was a trifle “more equal” than his neighbors; and the blow was like unto that of a bludgeon, because it was shown that the supposedly Impeccable one had more than inti mated that a counterfeit coat was as good as a genuine one if only it were nobly emblazoned. The Republicans had a rare time of it over the Democratic discomfiture. When it comes to fun the galleries are gloriously nonpartisan. The humor of the thing was to the people aloft wqR worth the knocking of a prop from the third presi dent’s pinnacle. Things might not have been so altogether bad for the cause of Mr. Jefferson and his house disciples if Mr. Boutell had been content to stop, for everybody recognizes the weakness that all human nature —even that sternly simple type—has for crests and other family gewgaws. “Yes,” said the Chicago man, “it "was five years before the revolution. Now, just before the revolu tion, on August 25, 1775, the great founder of the Democratic party, the introducer of “truculent sycophancy’ into our national administration, wrote to John Randolph from Montlcello urging a reconciliation with Great Britain, and in that letter he uses this expression: “ ‘I am sincerely one of those who would rather be in dependence on Great Britain, properly lim ited, than any other nation on earth, or than on no nation.’ ” The last five words of this Jeffersonian pro nouncement It would seem, if language means anything, point to a desire on the part of the Virginian Democrat that the colonies should have SURELY MAN OF MANY JOBS British Postmaster General Can Not Be Said to Be an Idle Individual. The British postmaster general is trhat Londoners call a universal pro vider, a regular department store of public functions. He will insure your life, give you a little bank to hoard your pennies In, take care of your savings, sell you an annuity, a postal order or a for eign draft, Invest your spare capital In a nice little government bond and pay a weekly pension to your aged mother or aunt. He carries letters and other mall matter, transmits telegrams, cable grams and wireless messages, main tains an enormous staff of messenger boys and conducts an express com- f u Wm U ' -f - w&r - S // ' JBHi|fL r *MlmkJmk 4w ,<rV V ', ■ IlfiiSHSw^^ySgß^ffißße^SSEaF \Ojajo 5 ’ MgWßw;:> j^gfiiMHaagiagay Sgf MpmaSßMaSßm^^^g ff' /C vfa( CO/YG/?£3JAJASr A//& /T/“) VT Q] yy/?<s. —.. cr *=yZ<*T ar cLnseum rrrm a an ownership cable of kind connecting them with one of the over-the-sea powers. As Mr. Boutell put it: “It seems possible that, having purchased his coat of arms, Jefferson feared that on the declaration of Independence and the establishment of a republican form of government it would not be an available asset, and so he hoped that dependence would continue.” The memory of this speech dwells in congress. It was intentionally light, but it drove home the lesson that frailties of a certain kind are not confined to members of any political party. When In the future an American citizen die* as the result of eating adulterated food that has been an article entering into interstate commerce, a coroner’s Jury will be Justified In bringing in a verdict of suicide. In order not to be too hard on the deceased, the Jury may give the cause as carelessness, but whichever of the twain the ver dict be, the “recently died” will be held responsi ble. The pure-food bill which passed Congress is a strong measure. Proir to its passage it was the cause of more misunderstandings, more sus picions and of more abuse of men and measures than was any other which congress thought it worth while to consider. Representative James R. Mann of Chicago piloted the bill through the house. He was ex pounder and exhorter, and during the greater part of four days he held the Interest of the seasoned members as a school teacher holds the interest of wide-open-eyed children to whom tales of a hither to unknow-n are told—and it -was tales of the hitherto unknown that Mr Mann told to the Washington-gathered childre a of a larger growth. For amazement and curiosity, for interest and indignation there was no scene of the winter in the big hall of congress like unto that enacted while the Hyde Park representative set forth his wares in bottle and in box and gave his colleagues full knowledge of the Indigestible and poisonous stuff that the stomach of the American had been taking to its own all the years under the sacred names of food and medicine. The house has upon most occasions the saving grace of taking things in part humorously. A Joke saves many a situation, assauges anger and disarms the man whose tongue under stress of temper becomes a sharp weapon. There were few Jokes during the discussion of the pure-food bill. The subject was as deadly serious as were some of the “food” products dis played on the Chicago representative’s desk. Once in a while the gravity was relieved by a quip, but as a matter of fact the joke of the thing was of the past—a huge joke, if a grim one, cracked by food preparers and medicine manufacturers at the expense of the stomachs and the livers of the American people. Mr. Mann told of an American firm that had been importing rotten —yes, rotten —eggs, which, after treatment with boric acid, were sold to candy-makers and cake-bakers. Mr. Gaines of Tennessee expressed gratitude that the imports did not get into eggnoggs. The laugh -was faint Every member was thinking of the candy and the cake and stomachs of the child multitude. The half has never been told in the public prints of the food frauds which Representative Mann disclosed in the time—often extended— alloted to him to press this bill to a passage. Some of his exhibits were ground “coffee” made of roasted beans, oats, pilot bread, charcoal, red slate, bark and date stones; cinnamon made of pany business for every sort of par cel, from a halfpenny packet up to shipments of eggs, dressed poultry and fresh fish. He collects all the worn copper coins for the British treasury. He has factories for making his supplies and an electric central station of his own in London for lighting his offices, bringing the current through his ca ble ducts. At a dinner the other night the postmaster general confessed that he sometimes doubted whether he had sawdust; whole pepper made of tapioca and lamp black; cocoa made of walnut shells and oxide, and a thousand and one other foods adulterated in a thousand and one ways. The drinks were worse. From the exposition made in the house —and in this subject an interest deeper than any draught that he had ever taken was shown by every member- -it would seem that the man who leads a friend to the bar and asks what he will have gives his friend no choice, for the bartender will set out what the spirit moves, and it seldom will move a pure spirit. The members of congress learned by formulas presented, bearing the name and address of deal ers, that skim milk masquerading as cream is a deception of babe-like innocence compared with the “pure domestic” and “fine imported” whiskies and cordials which are set forth for the damnation of a drinker’s stomach if not for the damnation of his soul. The hope may be expressed, possibly without incuring the charge of vindictiveness, that In this case the curse returns to roost behind the bar. To Representative Henry T. Rainey is due large ly the fact that the bones of John Paul Jones rest in the land for which he fought. It was the Illi nois Democrat who first took up the matter of the search for the commodore’s remains and who started the investigation which later made General lea of the Scotch sailor’s remains. The resolution called for an appropriation of SIO,OOO to pay the expenses. Then the fun began. The mockers in the house declared that the commodore was buried deep in a cemetery under million-dollar business structures on the Rue Grande Aux Belles or on the Rue des Ecluses Saint Martin or on several other rues which they could not pronounce. Congress In its humor had the aid and jocose correspondents, who saw the rare Jest In the bones search and made the most of it And here recol lection brings a blush of contrition to the cheeks of one who followed In the train. Members said and correspondents wrote that the French doubtless gradly would allow their business palaces to be un dermined and toppled to ruin on the payment or SIO,OOO of Yankee cash. If Yankee cheek, the representatives said, aided by French politeness, could accomplish the purpose of building demolition, there would be small chance of separating Jones’ bones with any certaihty of identity from those of the French sleepers in the old cemetery. One scoffer suggested with fine irony that there might be a bit of the original Scotch skull left, and that Sidney Smith’s rule might be applied to make positive the Identification. Mr. Rainey was undisturbed. He was not even moved to surrender when suggestion was made that if the SIO,OOO were sent over to some French grave digger he would find the old sea dog’s bones and prove their genuineness if he had to tattoo the sailor’s autograph in the tibia of the left leg to do It. It was two years on the way, but the last laugh came, and It was Mr. Rainey who had it. His colleagues made amend for their scoffing and their scorning, and now another jester of the past writes belated word of contrition. THE COLDEST PLACE ON EARTH What is said to be the coldest place on the globe is the region of Verkholensk, Siberia. . Here is a convict station, but during most of the year no guards are needed to keep the prisoners from run ning away, for in the more s.evere portions of the winter no living creature can remain in the open, and during the three most severe months, when the temperature sometimes falls to 85 degrees be low zero, no one dares to venture out for more than a few moments at a time. Ordinary steel tools will snap like glass, and unseasoned wood becomes almost as hard as steel. When one breathes a powder like the very finest snow falls at one’s feet. It Is said that there are less forma of insect life here than elsewhere in the world, and some of those found are not found elsewhere, seemingly having been created especially to Inhabit such a frigid region. Some of the signal-service officials declare that most of the severe cold waves that sweep across the North American continent have their origin in Verkholensk. The wind blow's a perfect gale almost all the time, and that discomfort, added to the low temperature, would certainly make this a very un< pleasant place in which to spend the winter. No Help. A St. Louis traveling man, making his first trip through North Dakota, woke up one May morning to find the ground white with snow. “For Heaven’s sake,” he asked the hotel clerk, disgustedly, “when do you have summer out In this country?” "I don’t know,” replied the clerk, “I have only been here 11 months.” —Success. any human personality at all. When he thought of his own functions, he said, he was appalled by them. In his official capacity he is responsible for more property than anybody else in the United Kingdom, employs far more people than any individual or corporation (212,364 at the last re port), prosecutes more malefactors every day than the public prosecutor, and sends out every week more apolo gies for himself and explanations of his actions than all the rest of the British population combined. Porter’s work possible. Mr. Rainey never has been given credit in full for his share of the labor, for modesty has held him silent. Congress at the outset did enough to discourage ten men of ordinary en ergy from carrying on the quest for anybody’s bones. Mr. Rainey refused to be gibed out of his purpose, and although he could not induce his colleagues to take him altogether seri ously, he followed the bent of his belief in other direc tions and now John Paul Jones rests at Annapolis. The Illinois member in troduced a resolution pro viding for the finding and for the removal to Amer- — — -■ .. ''', '' Wisdom of Fools By JAMES WILLIAM JACKSON (Copyright, 1911, by Associated Literary Press.) The chief clerk was about to take his tenth annual vacation. In ten years he had risen from office boy, eliminated the last bit of hayseed from his hair and discarded jean trousers. “I suppose, Marshall,” the Junior member laughed, “it will be two weeks for you of making daisy chains with the milkmaid back home, eh?" “Not in August,” Marshall gently deprecated, wondering whether his chief had any idea of the proper month for picking daisies. “So?” The firm member obtusely missed the point. “Maid have her va cation then? Should think the cows would have to be milked just the same.” Marshall had spent nine of his vaca tions satisfactorily back in Greenville. This year he had plans for a bit of fashionable seashore life, automobil iug, gay friends. Colonel Hanscom's daughter, a dashing lady, had helped to persuade him. He was hardly comfortable in the decision, however. His mother would be disappointed. Salving his conscience he nervous ly tip-tapped his pencil and broached the business which had brought him to the office. Stealing had been going on among the clerks somewhere; Marshall had his definite suspicions, and now outlined a plan of having the cashier at the bank “accidentally” put an extra fifty-dollar bill in the pack age of pay-day money, for a trap. On the way out of the office he met Thompson, the suspected clerk. “Good • morning, Mr. Marshall,” the boy greeted. "I suppose this time Fri day you’ll be gee-hawing the cows out to pasture.” Marshall nodded good-naturedly. His eyes narrowed ominously and he shook his head regretfully. Thompson was late. There was no doubt that he lived an unhealthful life and was get ting morally twisted. When the money arrived and while Thompson attended his customary duty of filling the pay envelopes Mar shall dreamily fancied himself on his Thero Was Fifty Dollars Too Much. vacation. Miss Hanscom was un doubtedly Interested in him. She was the open sesame to a coterie of well to-do and lively friends. And Marshall was prospering. He had some money saved. A partnership was looming up. Miss Hooper looked up from her typewriting to remind of the Green ville on which he was turning bis back. “I hope you’ll think out some way of raising our salaries while you pick cherries this vacation, Mr. Mar shall.” Marshall bowed with a passing won der that she didn’t know cherries were over by August. Then Thompson came to his desk and reported that there was fifty dollars too much in the money package. The ruse had failed; the matter "was pigeon-holed until after Marshall should return. While Marshall’s thoughts again fluttered truantly from business to sandy beaches and pleasure, touching lightly en route at Greenville, unin vited comparisons ranged themselves. Bashful ten years ago, he was now self-possessed and somewhat polished. Broadway now was more natural — he thought—than fields, ■whispering trees and country things that peep at night Ten years ago Mary Garvls, with plain face, big mouth and kitchen lore had been to him an epitome of woman ly charm. But times were different; and so was Miss Hanscom. There is a difference betw r een a diamond cut and uncut His imaginings had extended from AFRICAN WAS FRIGHTENED Hospital Internes Play Practical Joke on Darky While He Was Asleep. "Arguing backward from effect to cause,’’ said Robert Edeson, “isn’t al ways as easy as it seems. The other day I happened to stroll along upper Broadway, behind two mischievous hospital internes when they came to a large, fat, black African sitting on a box sound asleep. His mouth wide open, displaying a set of perfect teeth and about $4 worth of pink tongue, at the prevailing rates. One of the internes yielded to temptation. He took a five-grain quinine capsule In his pocket, pried the end off, and deftly dusted the bitter powder on that tongue. Then he wakened the negro. “Is this Broadway?” he asked, by way of excuse for the liberty. “The negro rose, stretched himself, and then began to savor that acrid presence in his mouth. ‘Um,’ said he, reflectively. ‘Um-um!’ His eyes wid ened and he clutched his throat the office to the dinner table where he was roused from reverie. “Son. I reckon we’ll ple-ow the se-outh meadow tomorrow mornin’.” The voice at the other end of the table was atro cious in its affected country accent. “All right, pap,” Marshall agreed, genially. Then h© added, with a sig nificant glance at the bald head of the speaker; “but I was thinkin’ some that the uplands ought to be seeded down.” Under cover of that he escaped to his room and sat down to write ex plaining his intended change of vaca tion. His thoughts shunted while ho sat with poised pen and meditative air. Ho dallied again with comparisons of Greenville fire-flies and Broadway lights, Mary Garvis and the luxury fringed Miss Hanscom. There was a favorite picture on the table before him. Mary Garvis had snapped a view of his mother in the buggy. Marshall tucked it in behind another picture and then fetched it right out again. It didn’t strike him right to relegate his mother’s face to such oblivion. Immersed in his letter at last he was surprised by a knock. Young Thompson was there. Invited in he gravely took his seat on the edge of a chair and turned his hat rim through nervous fingers. Once he started to speak and failed. Trying again with out success the color mounted heavily to his face. “I had a chance to steal fifty dollars this morning,” he finally blurted out. “I didn’t take it, but . . Then Marshall listener while the boy told a tale of peculations. It was a tale of •wanting better clothes, the theater, restaurants. He had lied about being promoted and spent money to prove the lie. Marshall re membered the boy’s proud mother and shook his head. ‘‘And now,” he queried, gently kind, while the boy studied the floor. "Now I’m going to back up!" Thompson vehemently declared. "I’ll take what’s coming to me and start over. My mother will stand by me and—maybe—; there used to be a girl, you see. I wish to glory I never had got the notion she was too plain and slow for me. Maybe she will help me to start over.” “Ura!” Marshall mused, absently. "She was the snub-nosed kind with the big mouth, eh?” Thompson seemed astonished to find that the chief clerk knew any thing about her. He looked up quick ly to see Marshall drumming fingers on the table, with lips pursed thought fully. “It’s bad business, Ben,” Marchall suddenly declared. “You are no bet ter than any common thief that skulks the streets unwashed. A stone cell, prison barber and stripes are rightful ly yours because you have earned them.” The boy trembled but offered no protest. The chief clerk continued quietly. "But I believe your talk about back ing up. For your mother’s sake and in the name of the plain girl I’m go ing to lend you money to make up. Now, son,” Marshall crossed over be side the breaking-down boy and laid a hand on his shoulder softly, “we’ve been fools; but we’ll work hard to wipe it out. We’ll back up, as you say, and then we’ll stay backed up. beside truth, honesty and the good, plain people.” Marshall went back to the table, where the picture Of his mother faced him. Picking up the half-finished let ter he destroyed It and threw the pieces Into a waste basket Then he turned to usher out his subordinate, who was trying to stammer some heartfelt, humble thanks. "Get down to the office early to morrow, Thompson,” Marshall re quested. “Tell Mr. Mason that I took a train for Greenville this evening to spend my vacation. Tell him —■” Mar shall chuckled to relieve the tension —“tell him If you want that I was In a hurry to help with the August crop of daisies. He won’t know the dif ference.” Grouchy, "Yes,” said the clerk, "If It wasn’t for several severe attacks of dys pepsia I’d have a good paying job by now.” "I didn’t know you suffered from dyspepsia.” "Oh, my, yes! My boss has Sad an attack of It every time I applied for a raise.” —Catholic Standard and Times. Among the Rube Stars* “I Sundayed on Mars,” said the first traveling salesman. “Plow about you?” “I’m making the small planets. Guess I’ll have to Sunday on some water tank star.” ‘Nevah min’ whether this Is Broadway or not, w’lte man, he said. 'You go git er doctah, er day’ll be a dald nig gah on dis corner. Ah done bus’ mal gall.’ ” —Young’s Magazine. Sized Him Up. A veteran praising General Leon A. Matile ci Washington, said: “Matlle was a quick judge of men. I remem ber just before the battle of Atlanta, a visitor presented his son to him. The son was a gawky, overgrown slouch of a lad, but the father, proud like, said to Matlle: ‘Well, what do you think of my boy?’ The boy, hla eyes half-closed, leaned against a tent post, a straw In his mouth, and his bands In his pockets. Matlle looked at him shrewdly and replied: ‘Well, sir, I think if your boy had another hand, he’d want another pocket' ” The Question. “Are we making history?” Inquired the Mexican Insurgent "What a question, general.” "I ask It seriously. Are we making history or just a few films for the moving picture people?” eef l J - Everybody likes good = z corned beef. WA - |mi Everybody likes Libby's ~ = n because ** “ good and is K 5 = ready for serving as soon : = * taken out of the tin. A § | E Buy Libby^ Feminine Reasoning. Stella—Her gown is just like yours. Bella —I don’t care if her’s Is a dupli cate of mine, but I don’t want mine a duplicate of hers. —Puck. Stop the Pain. The hurt of a burn or a out stops when Coie’s Carbollsalve is applied. It heals quickly and prevents scars, 25c and 50c by druggists. For free sample write to J. W. Cole & Cos., Black River Falls, Wls. The Humorous Hat. “Has she any sense of humor?” “I don’t think so. She can look at her hat without laughing.” —Lippin. cott’s. SASKATOON offers prosperity to far mers in every branch. Get a farm in Saskatoon district, and your own and family’s future need worry no more. You were not intended to live and die striving merely to make ends meet. Half the work here would swiftly fatten your bank ac count. Be fair to yourself. Don’t waste more time. Write Commissioner, Board of Trade, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Western Canada. No Wedding Day Bargains. The Husband (during the quarrel) —You’re always making bargains. Was there ever a time when you didn’t? The Wife—Yes, sir; on my wedding day. Sensitive. “You don’t like educated Indians!" ”Oh, yes, I like them well enough, but I always feel a sense of shame when I meet one. He knows that my an cestors cheated his ancestors out of their land, and he knows that I know he knows it.” To Make Fruit Jar Rubbers Last. To have fruit jar rubbers last, keep them well covered in a jar full of flour until used, and as soon as re moved from empty jars. One can. then afford a good quality of rubbers, as kept thus they will safely last sev eral seasons. When there is doubt of old rubbers, they may often be made to eke out one more season by using tw r oof the rubbers to each jar and screwing down tight. Always stand newly filled jars upside down until cool, to test the tops and rubbers.— Designer. HE KNOWS THEY ARE NOT. a man who stole a head of lettuce and then went back and got another, be ing arrested on the second trip. Benham —I’ll bet you can’t make that fellow believe that two heads are beh ter than one WRONG SORT Perhaps Plain Old Meat, Potatoes and Bread May Be Against You for a Time. A change to the right kind of food can lift on© from a sick bed. A lady in Welden, 111., says: “Last spring I became bed-fast with severe stomach troubles accompanied by sick headache. I got worse and worse until I became so low I could v.arcely retain any food at all, al though 1 tried about every kind. “I had become completely discour aged, and given up all hope, and thought I w r as doomed to starve to dearh, until one day my husband, try ing ‘o find something I could retain, brought home some Grape-Nuts. “To my surprise the food agreed with me, digested perfectly and with out distress. I began to gain strength at once. My flesh (which had been flabby), grew firmer, my health im proved in every way and every day, and in a very few weeks I gained 2d pounds in weight, “I liked Grape-Nuts so well that for four months I at© no other food, and always felt as well satisfied after eat ing as If I had sat down to a fine ban quet. “I had no return of the miserable sick stomach nor of the headaches, that I used to have when I ate other food. lam now a well woman, doing all my own work again, and feel that life is worth living. “Grape-Nuts food has been a God send to my family; it surely saved my life; and my two little boys have thriven on It wonderfully.” Name given by Postum Cos., Battle Creek. Mich. Read the little book, “The Road to Wellville,” in pkgs. “There’s a reason.” Ever read the above letter? Anew one appears from time to time. They are genuine, true, and full of human interest.