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S Wit That Helped the Ancients Drive Dull Care Away. SOME FIFTH CENTURY JOKES Tlw Abuntmindcd Professor Was a Prolific Sourc* of Msrrimsnt to tho Jesters of Those Days—Ths Sourcs of Many Modern Jokos. The maxim tbat there la nothing new under the sun applies, it would seem, more truly to jokes and witti cisms than to anything else! The chief differences between ttie jests of one generation and that of another lie mainly In their form. The kernel Is practically the same. Nevertheless it it, interesting to exhume some of these ancient jokes and to recognize in them the ancestors of the things at which we laugh today In the pages of our humorous publications. Some humorous -writers dearly lore to make fun of the absentminded, un practical university professor, who outside of his own subject lets his wits wander and is very slow to grasp anything in ordinary life. Such jokes as these were cracked centuries ago by the students and graduates of tbe great, universities in ancient Greece. for it Is a uiistuk« to suppose that what we now call •'college life" was uuknown to the ancients. As a matter of fact, the student at the University of Athens or at the University of Alexandria was very much tbe same sort of mortal as 1B the student today, and his professors were not so very different A witty Green named Hierocles, a graduate of Alexandria, collected some time in the fifth century a volume of jests which were current among the students with regard to the woolgath ering type of professor. A number of them are translated here as being of considerable interest in the history of humor and especially of college hu mor: A professor, wishing to swim, was nearly drowned, whereupon be swore that he would never touch water again until he had learned how to swim. Of twin brothers, one died. A pro fessor thereupon, meeting the sur vivor, asked, "Is It you that died or your brother?" A professor, learning that a raven would live for more than 200 years, bought one to test the matter. A professor, wishing to cross a river, went on board tbe boat on horseback. When some one asked the reason he answered that he wanted to get over In a hurry. A professor, looking out of the win dow of a house which he had bought asked the passersby whether the house was becoming to him. A professor^ meeting another pro Ladies' and Misses' Man Tailored Suits lessor said. "I heard'you were dead." •And yet." replied tbe other, "you see that I am still alive." "Well." said tbe first in perplexity. "I don't know what to believe, for tbe man who told me about it is a much more truthful man than you!" A professor, in danger of being ship wrecked, called for bis tablets that be might make life will. Seeing thereupon his slaves lamenting their fate, he said. "Do not grieve, for I am going to set you free." A professor dreamed that he bad trodden on a nail and tbat the wound pained him. On waking he bound up his foot Another professor, having learned the cause, remarked, "It served you right, for why do you sleep with out sandals?" A professor, meeting a doctor, hid himself behind a wall. Some one ask* ing the cause, he answered, "I have not been sick for so long a time I am ashamed to come into the sight of a physician." A professor, wishing to teach bis horse to be a small eater, gave him no food at all. At length, the horse hav ing starved to death, the professor ex claimed. "1 have suffered a great loss, for just as he bad learned not to eat be died!" A professor, visiting a sick person, Inquired about bis bealth. Tbe invalid, however, was not able to reply. There upon tbe professor, being angry and scolding the man. said, "I hope that I shall be_sick ..some _of_tbese _days,_and Ladies' and Misses' Man Tailored Suits in colors and black, Jackets, satin and silk lined,. For this sale we offer following values, $30.00, $25,00 and S27.50 Suits at $ 9 7 5 $30.00, $35.00, $37.50 and $40.00 Suits at.. $ 1 2 7 5 Ladies' Fur Jackets Ladies' Fur Jackets, Pony Coats, Plush and Fur Lined Coats are offered at One-Half Price BISMARCK DAILY TRIBUNE, WEDNESDAY MORNING, MARCH 2, 1910. then when you come to ask how 1 am I will not answer." A professor sealed up a vessel of wine which be bad bought pis serv ant having made a hole in the vessel beneath and drawn off some of the wine, tbe professor was astonished to see the contents diminished while the seals remained unbroken. A neighbor having told him to look whether it had not been taken out from below, he re plied, "Why. you fool, It's the upper part of the wine and not tbe lower that is missing!" A professor, a bald man and a bar ber traveling together agreed to keep watch in turn four hours, eacb while tbe others slept. Tbe barber's turn came first. He quietly shaved tbe head of tbe sleeping professor and when the time elapsed awoke him. The latter, scratching bis head as he got up and finding it bare, cried out: "What a rascal that barber is! He's waked the bald man instead of me!"— Exchange. Rose to the Occasion. Mr. Kajones. who happened to step into tho parlor while looking for a book, was just in time to see some body slip hastily off somebody else's knee. "Ah, Bessie," he observed pleasantly, "this is merger, is it? Or Is it a limited partnership?" "Neither, papa," said Bessie, recover ing herself instantly "George is mj holding company—that's all."—Chicagc Tribunp Special Alteration Sale of Ladies' Suits and Coats Owing to necessary changes and moving of our Ready-toWear Department, which has outgrown its present quarters, and not wishing to move a number of Suits and Coats, we offer them at prices less than manufacturers' cost, at less than the making or cost of material. These are all new suits in all the new fall, winter and early spring shades. flS^ksBS?H p*', -ffl W4 id** &> All Infants' and Children's Coats go for Half Price during this sale This Sale Is for a Few Days Only A. W. Lucas Company Fourth Street, Bismarck N. Dak. Ladies' and Misses' Fall, Winter and Early Spring Coats Ladies' and Misses Fall, Winter and Early Spring Coats in black and colors, in fine Kersey, Tweeds and fancy mixtures and diagonals. $15.00, $17.50. $20.00 and $25.00 Coats at. $ 9 7 5 $27.50, $30.00, $32.50 and $35.00 Coats at. $ 1 2 7 5 %l Small Furs and Muffs gOne-Half Off Ladies' Black Astrakhan Capes, worth $15.00 and $17.50: special at $5.00 Later Returns. Mildred—So you nr engaged to young Wlllson. eb? I thought you said your love for blm was purely platonlc? Helen—And it was before he inherited half a million and asked oie to niarrj him.—Chicago News. Keeping It Dark. Miss Kidder-S'sh! Carie has dyed her hair black. Don't tell nuybody. Miss Askltt-Is It a secret? Miss Kid der—Yes. She wants to keep it dark.— Boston Globe. Leisure Hours. Dr. Johnson had scaut sympathy with inconsistent and arrogant industry. "No man. sir, is obliged to do as much as he can. A man should have part ot his life to himself." Cheerfulness is like money well ex pended In charity—the more we dis pense of it tbe greater our possession. —Victor Hugo. He Beat It. "Where did you steal that mat from?" demanded the policeman as he seized the tramp. "I didn't steal it," said the tramp. "A lady up the street gave it me and told me to beat it."—Judge's Library. One on Him. "Pardon me," said a gentleman at tte entrauce to a downtown restau rant. "I have something ou you." "And may I ask what it is?" "My hat."—Birmingham Age-Hera Id. THREE The more you eat Quaker Oats the better your health will be. Practical experi ments with athletes show Quaker Oats to be the greatest strength maker. Mothers! Don't fail to procure Mrn. Wln slow's Soothing Syrup for your child ren while cutting teeth. It sooths the child, softens the gums, allays all pain, cures wind colic, and is the best remedy for diarrhoea. Twenty five cent a bottle. -*I Try Tribune Want Columns.