Bismarck tribune. [volume], February 01, 1884, Image 1

About Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, D.T. [N.D.]) 1878-1884

Image provided by: State Historical Society of North Dakota

                
|i ?,v
It. -v ••.
It ^••U
(^gT Jk1" I Historical Society
,'•
"VOL, XI.
the
TRIBUTE TW1HKLE8.
A BABMABCK woman says that her husband Is
always in lov' spirits. Does she mean that he
drinks ten-oent whisky?
JUDOE ADAMS, of Savannah, recently fined a
negro woman for eating peenutsin court. Now
watch the dispatches for another damage suit
under the civil rights act.
AH exchange says there are always more women
than men in an insane asylum. It didn't seem
to have time to look np the statistic* and ex­
plain who sends them there.
MBS. LANOTBY'S butler stands six feet three
inches high in his hosiery, and does love to hurl
a dude from the doorstep and paste him against
a picket fence across the street.
FALL BIVXB ADVANCE: The Arizona vigilantes
have hung a man because he was such aeon
firmed liar. We begin to see a reason why Eli
Perkins keeps ont of that territory.
A youth of four uneventful sum­
mers ate an entire leaf which he tore from a
copy of Puck the other day. The doctor is now
trying him for humor in the stomach.
YOUNG Nuttis receiving so many leap-year
proposals that he has made up his mind that the
fates are determined to punish him in some
terrible manner for his free use of the pistol.
A WASHINGTON author announces that he will
«oon issue a book entitled "The Hidden Life of
a Congressman," and Anthony Comstocksays he
won't, and that's the way the case stands as we
go to press.
THB Chinese New Year lasts two weeks, but
the participants in its festivities never wmdnp
with headache enough to stook a hospital. They
stay sober like heathens and'never get drunk as
civilised gentlemen do*
A CHICAGO man got hold of the wrong jug the
other day and took a big drink of a mixture of
kerosene oil and muriatic aoid. Then he ao
•cqwed the servant girl of stealing his whisky and
pouring water in the jug to oonoeal the theft.
IT.T.T.* WHXKLEB has the art of osculation re
duoed down to a more than Emma Abbott fine
point.—Chicago Sun. Yes, that's so and say»
Ooodall. did yon notice before the explosion
how— But this is no place to compare note*.
Have written you.
Am insane man thinks he can dam the Niagara
below the falls. There area number of news­
papers published there but not one of them has
referred to the poor creature as "a dam idiot."
There seems to be no life or enterprise whatever
at during the winter season.
PHILADELPHIA has a young lady of SO years
•who weighs 582 pounds, and Boston has a young
pmn whose arms each measure over five feet in
Ifrgiih. These people seem to have been con­
structed by a wise providence purposely for
^/.h other, and some means should be employed
to bring them together.
A
MAW who stole a mule in Wyoming asked
for a "suspension of public opinion until the
facts were made known, but the people over
there are an off-hand, impetuous lot, and de­
cided without any unneceseary debate that sus­
pension
of the thief would be more in keeping
with the peculiarties of the case, and acted ac­
cordingly.
A YOUNG and blooming poetess writes thus to
an eastern editor:
"Better that I have looked into your eyes
/Soft orbs I've learned so lovingly to prize)
It be better that I've heard you speak.
Have seen the love blush mantling on your
oheek."
The idea of a blush mantling the cheek of an
editor! In our hilarious laughter and cavorting
around after reading this we have upset the
paste pot and ruined a beautifully embossed
copy of Sarah Barnum and our well-worn bible.
But even yet we laugh and cavort!
NBW YOBK JOURNAL,: "Did yon ever try roller
skating?" inquired a young lady of a sickly*
looking slim.
"Yeth, only onth," he replied.
"Why did yon give it up?"
••Becanthe I tried to thtop mythelf on my
heelth."
"Pooh! that never prevented me from learn-
"Yeth, I know, but don'cher know that yon
wear a—I
mean
that
you—that
Attic
ith—er, don'cher
know?" and finding that he was over his head
the slim floated out.
THE editor of the Early (8. C.) Messenger at­
tended a reoent musicale at the high school in
Pickens, and thus describes the sncoess of two
young lady performers: "It was simmering
flTIT
.h.«m pitched against raven tresses, the mel
low gray against the keen black, the Palmetto
state against Georgia gold fields the lark with
her aids, the streaks of the morning, against the
nightingale, rivaling a songstress whose lips the
bees had stnngwlth the nectar of sweet
if these two girls were cut out in little
fit-*- and plaoed in the firmament, all the world
would be in love with night." Even after this
the subscriptioLiprice of his paper remains at
the same figure.
"YOUB cheeks have the blush of the rose," he
said,
"And your hair's like a summer dream
An
yOUt teeth shine out from their rosy bed,
Outriv'ling the ivory's gleam.
Your lips are an altar, on which to lay
A
tribute
of
kisses sweet,
Iff
111.
And your smile is as bright as a morn in May—
But yon have such voluptuous feet!
"Your voice assweet as the tinkling bells
That sound from Fairyland oaves
Your bosom heaves soft in voluptuous swells,
As heaves the sea's midsummer waves
Your breath is balmy as feathery wind
That softly o'er Paradise blows—
You'd be the most perfect of womankind
If it waa't for that wart on your nose!"
ft-,.
A MOUNTAIN CBBETEBY
It near midnight when the lumbering
stage coach on which we were a passenger rolled
up to the door of the hotel in a bustling mining
^mp in Montana. The ride from the railroad
had been a long and dreary one, and after
•*w»*Miing our tired limbs and donating our
editorial name to the unique collection of hier
oglyphical curiosities on the well than bed regis­
ter we were shown to a room. As the rising sun
•miioti a cheery "good morning" to the denizens
of the town over the lofty, snow-crowned peaks
of the to the eastward, we arose and gazed
from the window upon the bustling scenes in
the street below. Boughly clad miners were
hurrying to and fro, bearing in their hands the
inevitable dinner pail flashily dressed gam­
blers with eyes heavy with an all-night watch
over the antics of the festive "tiger," or
holding communion with fellow sports sround
the poker table, moved wearily along, seeking
their beds for a few hours' sleep stage coaches
and freight wagons rattled up and down the
"Btreet gathering up their loads of freight and
passengers for the railway, forty miles distant,
«iri all seemed bustle and confusion. A short
distance away, on a rolling knoll, our eyes
caught sight of the rough wooden headboards of
a cemetery—a frontier oemetery, where nearly
every grave contained a pair of boots. These
rough western homes of the dead bad always
possessed a strange fascination for us. An in­
describable feeling of awe, mixed with a strange
curiosity, ever pervades the breast whan one
walks about a burying ground where the majority
of the headboards bear inscriptions similar to
this:
JACK DUNN.
August .10, 1872.
Aged 88 Years.
We resolved to visit this city of the
and after a hearty bieakfast
set forth for the spot. To our surprise
we found that nearly every board bore an
epitaph—a novelty in a western graveyard. Al­
most the first one we came to stood silently up
above the unobtrusive remains below, with this
verse engraved with a jack-knife in rough char­
acters below the inscription:
"He squared himself and pulled his pop,
Like lightning, but before he
Could pull it off Jim got the drop
And Sandy went to glory."
This tells the whole story in a few words. A
little further along we find a temperance lecture
of mute but forcible eloquence in these roughly
carved lines:
"Here lies a stiff named Aleck Drum,
Who spent his time in drinking rum.
As gamey a fight was never fit.
But rum possessed the winnin' grit,
An* he left the world with delirium shakes,
An' a body guard of sociable snakes.''
Immediately by the side of this poor victim
lay a gambler—at leaBt his epitaph wonld lead
to that inference. The verse had been painted
on the board and bore the scars of a contest of
several years with storms and dust, yet we man­
aged to decipher it:
"No sport in all this mountain land
That ever mixed a pack
Could sit and play the winnin' hand,
Forninst old Monte Jack,
But death in some way slipped the ont,
Or played some hoodoo trick,
An' bucked agin the boy an' put
Him in the hole too quick."
A few rods away an almost indistinct grave
was found in a neglected state, the board rotted
off and lying upon its side. We picked it up,
and with difficulty deciphered the following:
"He bummed his food and bummed hiB drink,
And bummed abed to sleep in
We almost looked to see him rise
And bum a grave to creep in
And ten to one he bammed his way
Into the land of summer.
And bummed a harp on which to play
His tune: 'the Jolly Bummer.'"'
Far over to the eastward side of this strange
oemetery we came upon a neat white board
standing over a grave which showed some evi­
dences of care. To protect it from the ravages
of storms a. covering of stones had been placed
over the grave, and on the board some friend
had eDgraved thefollowing:
"When Kitty Dean was dying
The summer winds were sighing
A mournful song of sorrow through the camp
She was the only human
In the form of lovely woman
That ever to these frontier wilds did tramp.
She wan always gay and frisky
When her hide was full of whisky,
Of which no fonder person oould be found,
Which is why she died a soreamin'
With tremen after tremen,
And which is why we slid her under ground."
In a remote portion of the enclosnrewe found
seven, graves in a group, over which stood one
large board bearing the names of the silent
dead and the information that they quit the
world in a row at the "Nugget Sample Boom,"
a noted saloon and gambling house. The verse
following the inscription is to the point:
"The way the playful pistols popped
Was fearful fur to see,
And ss each punctured victim flopped
The mob yelled fiendishly,
And when the smoke had cleared away
The clean-up showed that seven
Brave boys had made a sudden play
For a bunkin' place in heaven."
We started to move again toward the town,
and just before reaching the limit of the ceme­
tery paused to read this nnique epitaph:
"The feller we slid outen sight right here,
Was a kicker worse ner a Texas steer
No matter w'at cum betore ol' Dick,
He war' bound to chip in with his chronic kick.
He couldn't be suited—no matter what
Was brought to his notice he'd kick on the spot,
And e'en with his latest expirin' breath
He war1 kickin' like fury agin ol' Death.
He kicked when we
We felt the ground giving away beneath ns
and with horror realised that we were falling
down an old abandoned shaft) the month of
which had been hidden by a thin oovering of
brash and earth. As we shot down into its dark
and noisome depths we gave utterance to one
wild, piercing scream of terror and struck the
bottom with the "dull and sickening thud" of
history!
The city editor doubled up in his chair and
laughed like a hideous hyena the. telegraph
editor threw his dispatches all overthe room
and howled with delirious glee the esshicr
rushed into the sanotum and held his voluptuous
abdomen and roared like a fiend the elongated
proprietor joined the hilarious group and
grinned and squalled like a demon just out
from the boiling depths of Hades for a holiday,
and nearly every citizen in the ward came
bounding
in, took in the situation, and joined
»ii«ir diabolical guffaws until the-sanotum
looked like a revised edition of pandemonium.
Our western journey wss but the wild imagin­
ings of a tired brain. Our graveyard visit wss
but a myth. With a hideous scream we had
fallen from our chair in a horrible dream.
WYOMING COURT SCENE.
While sitting in the TBIBUNE sanctum and
gazing npon a fine, large picture of Bill Nye,
which occupies a place on the wall, the writer
recalled a Wyoming court Boene, in which the
great humorist bore a leading part. Bill came
to Laramie and hung out his modest shingle as
an attorney at law, before be entered the news­
paper field, and long before he dreamed of the
vicious fun lying dormant in bis brain. His
keen abilities an a lawyer Boon attracted atten­
tion, and before he had been very long a resi­
dent of the handsome little mountain city he
was elected a justice of the peace by a large
majority.
On one occasion the writer, who was holding
down the city page of one of the dailies of the
town, attended Bill's oourt to get a report of a
ease in whioh a young cowboy was accused of
abducting a mule belonging to a ranchman.
Nye's predecessor, Judge Pease, had a little dog
named "Calamity," who was a constant attend­
ant at court, and who bad been taught to sit up
and sing a doleful song when commanded to
do so.
In
the case in question the prosecuting
attorney, Charley Bramel, had just made a stir­
ring speech, and as he took his seat, "Calamity"
imagined he heard a call on hun, and rearing
up facing the judge he began a plea that para­
lyzed the house. Bill sat like a statue and
gazed down npon the howling canine with that
queer, earnest look of his, moving his eyes
neither to the left nor right, and listening with
seemingly rapt attention. The dog kept up his
whining song for at lesst two minutes, and
when
he ceased Nye straightened up and said:
"The oourt has listened attentively to the evi
denoe and to the remarks of the eminent coun­
sel on either side. While the interpretation put
upon the evidenoe by the counsel for the terri"
tory left it in a somewhat clouded shape, his
eminent rival, who has jast Bpoken,
has blown away. the. smokri^d hss
left every point so clearly defined, that
the court experiences no diffionlty in arriving
at what it must deem a just decision. The
court does not consider the evidence sufficient
to warrant it in holding the defendant to await
the aotion of the grand jury, and therefore
must order his discharge."
The house roared, and "Calamity" wagged his
tail and trotted out, looking up into the faces of
theattendants with that proud, glad smile, which
all young attorneys wear when they win their
first case.
DIDN'T KEEF IT.
A few days since a stranger was eating dinner
in an Idaho hotel, and beckoning a waiter to
himssid:
"Bring me a glass of water."
"Sir?" And the nonplussed waiter looked at
him curiously.
"Bring me a glass of water."
The waiter went out into the kitchen and soon
returned and said:
"Beg pardon, stranger, but that last order of
yours has slipped my memory. What is it yon
want?"
"1—want—a—glass—of—water! Do you un­
derstand that?"
A bright idea struck the waiter, and he rushed
out to the bar. The bar-keeper looked over
the labels on every bottle in the house, shook
his hf""* and said there wasn't a drop in stook.
The waiter returned to the gentleman and re­
ported, whereupon the latter roared out:
"You '"fomal idiot, can't you understand
plaiH English! I want a glass of water—water
to drink—and I want itd—n quick!"
In desperation the waiter hunted up the pro­
prietor and told him the story. The landlord
looked puzzled and himself entered the dining
room and approached the stranger and said:
"Excuse me, sir, but my waiter is a little hard
of hearing. I will take your order."
"I ordered a glass of water. Nothing bnt
straight water."
"I'm sorry," replied the landlord, "but I can't
HctKWimndata you. There is so little call for
those foreign drinks here that it doesn't pay to
keep'em. We've got some prime Kentucky
whisky in the bar, if you can get along on
that."
The stranger finished his meal in silence, bnt
oh! what a thinking he kept up.
A DESPONDENT CHIEF.
A private letter from Standing Bock informs
the TRIBUNE that Sitting Bull is feeling sad and
despondent.. Oonfinment to the limits of there
servation galls him, and the cold weather shuts
him np in his princely lodge where his only pas­
time is found in reading the bible and reflecting
over the «*»rtling uncertainties of mundane
mattere.
He longs
for the warpath again. He
would fain embrace a pony with his parenthet­
ical l«»g«, gather his warriors about him and
again plunge into the heated cauldron of war,
but the troops have him by the back of the neck,
figuratively speaking, and he fears that a sud­
den plunge might burst the buttons off his
shirt.
His royal
heart again longs for the stir­
ring scenes of strife and petty larceny, and he
takes not kindly to the plan of salvation as laid
before hi™ by the missionaries. His thoughts
are not of 'a home beyond this vale of tears
where the worm dieth not and the fire is not
BISMARCK, D. T., FEIDAY, FEB. 1, 1884. NO. 35.
quenched, bnt of a royal season of glee and gore
on this side of the line.
Poor old Bull! His esse is a sad one. He
does not have to probe very far bade into the
past to unearth soenes the memory of which
causes bis aged heart to glow with aboriginal
pleasure and flop around in hilarious glee. He
is getting away over into the sere and yellow
leaf of old age, yet he can see those soenes dis­
tinctly without spectacles. Then he was a
proud and haughty chieftain with an air of im­
perial dignity and a redolent breath that awed
all who came in collision with it now he squats
humbly down in the dust of humility and chews
his daily allowanoe of tripe in thoughtfnl
silence. Once his loud, ringing whoop of war
was borne on almost every breeze to the terror
stricken ears of his enemies: now if he whoops
one wild,extemporaneous whoop some meddling
minion of the government will take him by the
bronze ear and tell him to shut off his bubbling
music or he'll run him into the guardhouse. Once
he owned horses, lands and personal property of
great value now his' storehouse contains but a
carefully selected stock of vacant gloom and he
can't afford to wear socks except on Sundays
and national holidays. How have the mighty
fallen!
The powers that be shonld do something for
this poor, stricken son-of-vgun. It is a shame
that a country whioh is so boastful of her free
institutions should permit this old man to mope
about and pine away and die for just one taste
of gurgling gore, when it can so easily grant him
relief. Let a call be made on the loyal cities of
the land for contributions of dudes enough for
the aged chief to kill off as the spirit moves
him during the Ion# months of winter, and bis
old heart will bound with pleasure over the
touching mark of solicitude and esteem. And
when the glad springtime oomes with its birds
apd flowers and soft, balmy breezes, turn him
loose and occasionally send trusted messengers
to notify him when Bufusio Hatohermoidal
Europeanola Dudederandum traveling lunatic
asylums or Yellowstone park editorial excur­
sions will moss the country, and native instinct
will teach him the rest. The attention of con­
gress should be called to this matter.
A BEW1LDEBED FATHER.
Afew days since the good people of Jamestown
might have been seen holding converse together,
sadly-shaking their heads and asking each other
what could be the matter with MoClure, of the
Alert. He was acting strangely, and the general
verdict seemed to be that the poor fellow had
overworked himself and had warped* his brain.
When he first came down town in the morning
he walked with bead erect and brought his left
foot down at each step with military emphssis,
while his proud and puckered lips in whistling
Btrains poured forth the stirring notes of that
popular air: "I'm a Daisy, and Don't You For­
get It." The first place he struck was a saloon,
into whioh he marched aw1 told the barkeeper
he'dsnakehim-firat-babyotitoftljejHJxforthe
cigars. The professor of chemistry wondered
at this but set up the box, and his wonder in­
creased when Mac shouted out: "That's one
baby on you!" He meant "hone," but his
thoughts seemed to be wandering. After leav­
ing the saloon a friend accosted him and asked
how low the thermometer was, and Mac
answered,
"Ten pounds, and the fattest little rooster you
ever saw." The man gazed after him in amaze­
ment and Mao sailed into the postoffioe and told
the clerk he'd forgotten his key and asked him
to please hand ont what babies there were in his
box. The clerk thought it was one of Mao's
dry jokes and shot off the regulation laugb, and
the looney newspaper man sought his office.
There he found Warnock figuring on his weekly
bank statement, but Mac wasn't going to fllow
such business to interfere with the telling of the
good news he bore. He lit a cigar, cocked his
feet up on the desk and with a my-name-is-Eli
look said:
"Warnock, we had a row at our house last
night."
"That so? Which licked?"
"Oh, I wasn't referring to that kind of a fam­
ily matinee. My bife's got a waby!"
Warnock looked at him quizzically and asked:
"How's that?"
"I mean my wafe's bot a giby—no, dammit,
my bafe's wot a— Oh, Helena' I can't talk!"
"Your language does seem to be somewhat de­
moralized," said Warnock. "Try it again ana
you may hit onco the theme you seem so anx­
ious to discuss."
"What I meant to say was this, that at ten
o'clock last night my boy had a ten pound wife
•—or, rather, my—my— What did I say?"
"If I correctly caught the drift of your re­
mark you alluded to a wedding at your house
last night?"
Wedding nothing! What's a bedding got to
do with a waby. Nothing, eir absolutely noth­
ing! What I deBire to say to you is that—
By Jove! you just out to see the fat rascal kick
up its editorial heels and squeal! Say, War­
nock, did you ever have a baby?"
Warnock moved around to where he oould
reach
the telephone and summon assistance if
Man got wild, for he firmly believed the poor
fellow had gone stark, staring mad. Mac be­
gan to write, and the truth came to Warnock in
an instant when the following notioe was handed
to him, with the notioe that it be inserted at the
top of column next pure reading matter in ordi­
nary news type and no other baby to be men­
tioned in the same issue:
BOBN.—Last night to Marshall McClure, pro­
prietor of the Alert, a son weighing ten pounds.
Mr.McClure is to be congratulated on his gratify­
ing achievment.
Even in print he claimed all of the ctedit, but
to his honor be it said that in hiB great joy he
generously went out and shook Warnock for the
cigars—and stuck him.
THE Yankton Press and Dakotaian says: "The
Bismarck Tribune is one of the newsiest liveli­
est, handsomest and best papers published in
the territory." Those papers which so assidu­
ously aver that a southern Dakota journal can­
not tell tte truth will now see their error.
BEN BCTLEB annonncea officially that he IB
out of politics forever. Politics will please ao
oept our hearty congratulations.
1 p^7" %r*y JfV 1*"^^ ^f'«-^s^fj^/ ^MMji
." '. "•.Y"
THE AMATEUR'S SOLILOQUY.
To skate or not to skate, that is the question
Whether 'tis nobler to sit here and suffer
The stings and arrows of a mad desire
To hire a pair of Number Tens and on
The frisky rollers glide about thtf rink,
Or to brace np, and by a spurt of courage
Fasten the rolling steeds unto my hoofs
And join the giddy throng npon the floor,
And git there Eli with terrific speed.
To skim, to sooot, to glide, perchanoe to fall—
To fall! Aye! there's the rub!
Perchanoe to sit down on the rudder with
A crash that will the spinal column curve,
Or shoot its severed end up through my hat
Mayhap to squat with force that will produoe
A case of sad oonoussion of the brain,
And other points that also may oonouss
With zealous and complete conclusiveness!
Aye! by me halidome, 'tis better far
To sit me here and curb my mad desire,
And be content to howl and clap my
And kick with glee up at the ohendalien
And whoop with laughter when some skater tits
Him down with seemingly impetuous
Upon the southern suburbs of his back!
And since I think of it, I dare not skate
And run the riak of being sorely bruised,
Else I with comfort eannot sit upon y"
The jury on the morrow, unto which
A justice of the peace hath summoned me!
AN ESSAY ON ROLLER SKATES.
BILL NYE.
The roller skate is a wayward little quadru­
ped. It is as frolicsome and more innooent
looking than a lamb, bnt for interfering with
one's upright attitude in the community, it is
perhaps the best machine that has appeared in
the city.
One's first feelings on standing np on a pair
of roller skates, is an nnaocountable tendency
to come from together. One foot may start ont
toward Idaho, while the other as promptly
strikes out for Arizona. The legs do not stand
by each other as legs related by blood should do,
but eaoh shows a disposition to set up in busi­
ness alone, and leave you to take care ot your­
self as best you may. The awkwardness of this
arrangement is apparent. While they are set­
ting up independently, there is nothing for yon
to do, but sit down and await further develop­
ments. And yon have to sit down, too, without
having made any previous preparation for it
and without having devoted as muoh thought to
it as you might have done had you been con­
sulted in the matter.
Cjne of the most notioeable things at a skating
rink is the'strong attraction between the human
body and the floor of the rink. If the human
body had been coming through space for days
and days, at the rate of a million miles a seoond
and without stopping at eating stations, and ex­
cepting Sundays, when it strikes the floor we
could understand why it struck with so much
violence. As it is, however, the thing is inex­
plicable.
There are different kinds of falls in vogue at
the rink. There are the rear falls and the front
falls, the Cardinal Wolsey fall, the fall one
across the other, three in a pile, and so on.
There are some of the falls that I would like to
be excused from describing. The rear fall is
the favorite. It is more frequently utilized
any other. There are two positions in skating,
the perpendicular and horizontal. Advanoed
skaters prefer the perpendicular, while others
affect the horizontal.
Skates are no respecters of persons. They
will lay out a minister of the gospel or mayor
of the city as readily as they will a short-coated,
one -suBpendered boy or giddy girl. When one
of a man's feet starts for Nevada and the other
for Colorado, that does not separate him from
the floor or break up his fun. Other portions of
his body will take the place his feet have just
left with a promptness that is surprising and
be will find that the fun has just begun—for the
people looking on.
The equipments for the rink are a pair of
skates, a cushion, and a bottle of liniment.
THE COWBOY POET.
In a reoent rhythmical cyclone William Y.
Buttes, "the cowboy poet" who is leading the
wild, exciting life of a herder of musty books
in one of the departments at Washington, at­
tempts to describe a cattle stampede in a storm.
His last verse will cause a broad smile to ripple
like agleam of wind-shaken sunshine all over
the broad west, where the cowboy is quite ex­
tensively known. It dashes off on its pilgrim­
age in this pathetio style:
"A hundred horned heads wrecked on the plain
A score of bronchos writhing on the sod
The prairie furrowed by the ruthless train,
And half a dozen herders gone to God!"
If it did not fear that it would be accused of
blasphemy or sacreligious levity, the TBTBUKE
would be almost tempted to remark that the
last line would cause the Almighty himself to
laugh heartily and wonder at the ignoranoe of
mankind. Anyone who knows the cowbow
knows that he would feel as uneasy and out of
plaoe in heaven as an editor feels in the sanc­
tuary of a church, and that he has about as
much respect for God as he has for a county
sheriff. Mr. Buttes may mean well and may
think there is a heaven fitted np with wrought
iron furniture and pistol-proof mirrors espe­
cially for cowboys, but the TBIBUMC hastens to
assure him that there is not. A western poet
would have handled the subject somewhat differ­
ently. His word painting and smopth, flowery
diction might not size up very favorably with
that which education has bestowed npon the
departmental cowboy, but he would ring a great
deal more prize truth into his lines. A western
muse herder would have wound np that surging
wad of literary dynamite something like this:
A hundred horned heads wrecked on the plain
A score of bronchos writhing where they fell
The prairie furrowed by the ruthless train,
And half a dozen herders gone to—
Well, we haven't time to dive into the subject
and reel off a string of rhyming ideas, but will
subside after saying that Mr. Buttes should sub­
scribe for a few western papers and keep posted
on cowboys, if he is so badly stuck on them.
THKYnow call him "Smiler Colfax."
I
fi-'pi,