The herald. [microfilm reel], May 03, 1896, Image 11

About The herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1893-1900

Image provided by: University of California, Riverside; Riverside, CA

                
S;.c—Do T*o tncw !ae sav.ecz"d icy foot unier Ihe tatle?
He—Like
She— Juar It lea thai'—Plck-Me-l'p.
Bathing in Bournemouth. S ...
Tmtnghast—Scientists say there- arebscilil in kisses.
Clldarsleeve (rapturously)— Happy bacilli!
Misery Lotcb Company.
"I suppose your wife keeps things In
irder at home?"
"Yet, the keeps me sed my hat on tht
tack most of tht time.'"
A Croat.
Disks— My pastry will be read wboa all
my tnlr.trablt contemporaries aro forgotttr;.
iHdaioa—Vvell, come around ai.a cc? m»
Wi«*,—New York World.
GIDDY CREATURES.
UNSEXED
Where It» Fata V».
"Do you knov vber>. our biil-postee l?
to be found?" asked tho theatrical mana
ger.
"No," rcp.icJ one of the boys 'but I
know where he pute up."
"Wncr» is It?"
"On a.o fence," coyly rejoinoi the youth,
•fi he rcatly dodged a package ot mitiust.
tta>.e*
THE EVOLUTION OF THE UMBRELLA
OUR SCHOOL MASTERS.
Drawing, mualc and dancing.
I
Work of tlip Canl Trust.
Lady (lo cenl merchant)—l sent my llttlo
boy for three pounds of coal this morning,
and when I! came homo I weighed It and
found only thlrty-sl* ounces.
Christian Lightweight—Dear me! You
don't say so. Tt must have bceen a mis
take on the part of the new boy. He prob
ably thoucht we nclc l our coal by apothe
cary's v/elght. I'll send the other twelve
ounces down Just as soon as tbe boy comes
in.
Vanity, Vanity.
Mrs. Cobwtgger—l never minded having
to economize until it forced us to attend a
strance church.
Mrs. Bradford What (UffarSDC* could
that make?
Mrs. Cohvlgger—tVhy. we couldn't put a
penny ln tbe i-askct whero everybody knew
ut.
Too Thick or Too Thin.
'I bate tobacco hrt I rtver object to
B«rrn Whlskers'i ilje."
"How Is tt»at?"
"Oh you see, 1:3 bc*id Is go thick that
It CHtcfces and holds the smoke until bs
gc«s h;mo and combs it out."
Very Likely.
"I n«?vi>r kl?c»'i another tnas
"B'Jt >0"," tho sweet g'rl said;
Alfli*! I know too well tbe fact:
The men kissed hfr Instead.
Her Dlndem.
Slve Icr.'t very wetlihy.
Yet ts-wtra a i/o'Cen crown;
She bo-. 7M't at i eentlst's
For Jutt |10 detvn.
Trlnl» cf Conrtnlilp.
Llt1!« Johnnie, mother's pet—
Prec.cus little loafer!
dery nl»ht you call, ycu bet,
He'a behind the sofa!
lulu Colored Italr.
"You'll find her bar is lust like ink,"
Tboee are 'be words he said;
But oh «!a«'for her I find j
TIIB lcli Is flaming red. 1
| 'I'llE HI.OO.UCR sSD Till: 'X- RAY.
li irry Sncet'i Cakes.
Mr* New We 4 twio Is near-sighted)—
Whore did you get thoio pretty brown
plates, Harry Sweet?
Ha.-ry Swest ipr,t'.r:ng)~Why, Jane, those
aro not plates, but buckwheat cakes. Ta
Uught me hjw to make th&m. ". think you
are jest SI mean as you can be,
Mrs. New '.ved (soothingly)— There, there,
i'ttle ene. Don't r.ry. I'm sure thty must
be delicious. (.U.'.ic.) Pa must have learned
cookery ln a holier factory. I'll steal a set
of tham and present them to the club for
quoits.
Au Emerald Fnrndor.
It having been the Button) in a certain
o.'tabllshmert In tto North to pay too work
ers fortnightly, and the workmen having
found the CUItOK) somewhat Inconvenient,
it wos dec.d d to send a dclogato to the
head of the firm to stata their grievances.
Au Irishman, named Dan D , famed for
hia Tngao'ty and persuasive powers, was
selected for th* task. He duly waited on
the ir aster, who.- addressed him thus:
"Well, Daniel, what cau we do fjr you
this morning?"
"IC yo plase. 'ur, I'vo been sint as a
diligftto by the workers to ask a favor of
y: r«*j-irdtii' the paymlnt c:' our v,-ngo3."
'"/MT And what do they desire?" ouerlcd
the tmcler.
' Well, cur, It 1.-, the doilro of mesilf, and
v 13 also the denlre of Ivory man In the
tttabh'ah.inent. thai we receive our fort
night* pay every v. cek."—London Tld-
Ei:s
THE LOS ANGELES HERALD.
MADAM LIKES CARDS.
Ho wig a long-suiTo-rins husband, cne who
when others said "marital bibs" smiled a
rrlm smile, for he knew whereof they spoke
and he hurriedly shifted bis evening paper
bffore his fs.ee as be caught his wife's eyo
upon him. Ke knew ere she opened her
mouth that something unpleasant was tj
ba acked ef him, and he balanced himself
as a mongoose dc»s, ready to leap away la
any direction from the expacted attack.
His wife sailed innocently, so he was pre
farad for tbe worst.
"John," she said, "when are you going ta
teach tne to play cards?"
He drew the paper still nearer to h'.s
face.
"Listen to this!" be said, with great ap
parent laiercst. "I sever heard of such a
thine;! Here's a man "
"John," said his w!fe s!ernly.
j Ho blushed and the paper dropped un
heeded In hia lap.
"We might as well begin now," said hlj
wife.
"I saw tho strangest thing on State itrset
'.his afternoon." ho began,
"John " seld his wife.
He became visibly embarrassed. Then he
rose sadly from bis chslr and began to clear
tho books from tbe card table.
"What dp yeu want to It-am?" he asked.
"Euchre?"
"It doesn't sound very wicked," Bald his
wife doubtfully
"Poker?" ho suggesieS.
"That sounds to* wicked." said his wife.
"I'll teach you California Jack," he de
cided. "It seems lo III! tbe requirements of
sounding wicked, hut not vory wicked. Sit
down."
She drew up a chair and took her place.
Hfl looked across the taMe at her with the
expression of a ma n brought face to face
with a political landslide..
"Tiers nre 'our things which count," he
raid Impressively. "The ace Is high' "
"Why Is it hl?h?" she demanded.
"rt«cauee It if. the ace." ho said. "And
the deuce Is Mow' because it It! the deuce,
and the Jsck la 'Jack' because it Is the Jack.
Do veti understand, or ehall I explain fur
ther?"
"Why. It's dreadfully easy." she said, "I
•bnurh*. nlaylng cards was bird."
"No," he said, "there have been men who
could play with as many as three flecks at
once. That m»kes three polnls. Tha other
In called came. It Is computed by means of
lbs cards above tha ten. Each ten counts
!cn '
"Th.-.t's awfully C3sv." she said.
"It is," he answered, "excruciatingly
easy. The Jacks each count one. the queers
| t vo, the kings three and tho ao»s four
j The reason for these thlnirs I cannot, give."
He 6ald the last hurf'sdly, for her mouth
I was already half open. She closed it again,
land bid heart leaned within him. Then ha I
j dealt tho cards. She watched the operation
I with great Interest, but rhe said not a word.
"It is your lead." he said "We will play
thin hand with your cards where I oan soe
I them. You will learn more that way."
I' We will not," she said. "Of crurso you
would win."
Me risked, but he accented tho Inevitable,
i ' When you w'n a trick." ho said, "you
| first take tbe card which is In sight on the
j deck "
| "Whetrer T want !t or not?" she asked.
"Whether you want it or not," he an
■ a wired.
i He watched her closely. She betrayed
'■ hesitation.
| "What ch.il! I Iron?" she asked.
"Do you remember tho trump?" be said.
She nodded. He C-S not pre?s the matter
I further. If r,r.c was prevaricating he did
! net rire to know It.
1 ' That Is tbe tray of club.-,," be raid. "If
•■ou feel that it would benefit your hand to
hold It load hlsttl otherwise lead low en.l
lot me take It."
"Let you take It!" she exilalmed.
: "Xever!"
Sho took the trick sr.d he drew tbe kin?
jnf trumps. Ko locked a; her closely. She
j did not krow that !; was tic king cf trumps,
i ii" sighed again deeply.
The hshd wen; on. As the Inst
card was played tho d:orbc!l Jingled excit
edly.
"i?o;h c;lr!s ore cut," the cal.!.
He roso cbedienlly.
"Think over wh't'l have told you." h»
raid, "and fry to remember WMt T noll
j rbout counting -.bo game. V, hen 1 net hack
' will com., the cards."
She nodded and he left th» room heavily.
IP a few raJPUtO*, be returned.
"It was a man v-lfj collar buttor.s for
rah*." ho vcl'.ir.iOHfpfl.
Tha looked up and tmllsd.
'I didn't wait for yon," *ke scid. "I
Counted t'-ie cards m-.-H.rlt. There are Jv.s!
flfty-lWO."--Chicago Tribune.
Sndxlled «o Uc Another.
.Mrs Bickers (with n doleful shake of
the head)— You are not tbe man I married.
Mr.'Dickers (with renewed animation)—
I'm [teul !o hear It. I'll go end merry |
Miss Kittles right away.
Cl.-.go—That accident w:;a quite affectlrg !
•.bis morals'&
Lingo—Ye.?, after the crowd bad dispersed
I put my hand ia my watch pocke: end fc!f ;
do»;ily touched.
Mr. IJocr.lc/ (feeling In peckeu. wit's
alarm) —Why--Die— Where's in' nleh key?
(•With great relief)— Oh. yo;b! Ha! ha! i
k'men.hor now! Put Ish in keyhole "tore '
1- h'.c —let' houscu
THE PROCESSION OF HIDES OX NEW YORK'S BROADWAY.
THE BURGLAR, "X" RAYED.
Mrs. Darley—A scientist saya that Ameri
can women are growing taller, while tha
men are getting shorter.
Mr. Dai lay—Tta.'s bacause the women
dress so expenslaely ami the m<in have to
feat the bill j.
B»tfh<i> Different.
Temperance Lecturer —A nice mistake
you made in thac sign "Drink is the Curao
of Everything!"
Sign Painter—How so?
Temperance Lecturer —You left out tho
"s" in curse.
He —Why did you bleak your previous
engagement if you did not intend to keep
tho one with nio?
She —What chance would I have had o!
breaking tho one with you If I bad not
trokdn the previous ci-.o firrt?
A i'.'Mii.y Kut.v.f.-r) r--ns:x
Doorways Flamed ln Dooki,
A pretty morning room, with tho woodwork
finished In white enamel and the walli cov
ered with an old rose crrtridaio rapar. has two
wide doers 0:1 one sldo of the room, which are
made to appear much WJdOr than they really
arc by narrow cases for books, «aaL about 13
Inchas wldt, auilt eaca sido th* doorwsys,
aad bo cloaa 10 them that tbe doors of tbe
oasas appear to bo part of tbe framework of
the doorway Tbe doors of these coses aro
divided into sm&il pan«s of glaaa set in <rliirc
frames, much aa common window frame;
would bo, except that tho alius is of better
quality, Tho samo arrangement for books is
carried over tha :op* of tin doors, v.'hero tho
fronts of tha raoes huvo aloo tho small panes
ol tlass set in white.
Smltbklns —Dear, sholl our engagement
ring bo a sol'lalre or cluster?
Miriam—Please hay« It a bracelet, Ferdy.
(Absently)—l havo so many engagement
An Echo of the Fnlure.
Voles from the. Stairs—Hasn't th»t
young woman gor.-* yet. neorge?
Young Mr. Do Horne —No, mamma.
Voice from th* Stairs—Wei!, lust ask
her to close the pate when she goes out,
and if she meets the milkwoman on tha
way, Mk hor to leave an extra quart this
moraine, as your papa i 3 going to make
cake.
The ludlprnnnt MonUeys.
"What," inquired tho proprietor of ihs
Chicago menagerie, testily, ' Is tb» matter ,
with th».t cageful of monkeys? I tever
saw them quite so angry."
"You see," explained tho attendant,
"that's Professor fiarnet over thire: he hat
Just '.>cen telling them about Darwin's
theory that they are descended Ircra men."
———— — ,
A Terfect Justification.
Judge Qut::k—Whot'a <he charge?
Ofllcer —Drunk and dlsord
Prisoner—Pieces, Yuur Hor.or, I Just got
Into the city lost night for the first time in
a year. I've been living ln Philadelphia.
Judge Quick—'Nut 6aid—discharged.—
New York Dxchaige.
"Aro you happy, darling?"
"So happy! You remind mo In so man
trayi of my first husband!"
Si»ecdy ISnouwli for Him.
Tpyowritor Agcct—Regarding your type
writer —wouldn't you prefer one a littlo
more rapid? T cap rc~ enmend one that re
quires no ribbons, feeds hotter, cad is very
gulek.
Old Mr. BaJdboy—That'll do. young men.
I don't mm.l about the ribbons, and i don't
want a better feeder than mine. She's got
mo nearly broke now with her speed. I am
not looking for anything quicker. Good
day.
MERTIE—The simpleton actually asked
me to marry hint, isn't ho a fool?
GERTIE—Sure
A young typewriter had just been hired
Ihy a prominent lawyer. She had never dons
: regular work before, and was somewhat ner
| vou3. Tho lawyer settled himself back ln
: his chair and besan dictating a brief. He
1 had p??ired away about ten minutes, when
the girl cropped, with a horrified look oa
' her face.
1 "What's tho matter?" asked the lawyer.
I "Would yen mind eoylng that all over
■again?" the jlrl aiked, with eyes full of
! tearo.
"Why?"
"I forgot to put any paper ln the ma
j chine."
Fronco Bil!--Yer 'lon't catch me sending
that ycuiESter of mire to no school. No,
dree.
I Pt-tash Feta™ Ain't ye goio' to give him
1 any eddicatlon '»t all, then?
I Bronco Bill—Ob. yes. But I'll teach th»
young idea how ter shoot myself.
The Usotal Chatelaine Bag,
The chatelaine Je-ag is ugaln In fashion, sus
pended from ihe I'-lt or girdle worn with a
round-waited or basque budiie. Some of Iho
new varieties cone securely fastened to tha
bells they mutch 1 others are secured by a
tuetsl c'.iiap. All sorts of material are used
for theuo revived accessories—English snake
skin, lizard skin, undressed kid, In white.
j;Ourl color, tan or old rose. The kid is used
for the llnei hags, with purses and card cases
■to match, and gold, silver and decorated
aluminum ornaments, or chased designs of
line filigree patterns flaish thesa useful and
beautiful accessories.
.Vje-Ifa my birthday to-day
Me—Dear mo, and what It tho ICOTO?
She—The ecoro la twenty.