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The herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1893-1900, October 28, 1898, Image 6

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The Herald

THE HERALD PUBLISHING COMPANY,
WILLIAM A. SPALOING,
President and General Manager.
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• CIRCULATION STATEMENT J
• William A. Spacing, General Mar.aeer of The Herald c
• Publishing Company, being first duly sworn, deposes ana c
• says: That the average daily circulation of thi UOS a..- a
• les Herald for the six months ending Sept. 80, I:>»S>, was c
• Dally Herald S- 616 •
• Sunday Herald M.UM _..„ ■
• WILLIAM A. SPALDING. c
• P-:hser!beu and sw..rn to before me this . ■ '.. ' c " •
• tober, 1898. G. A. DOBINSON, f\
• (Seal.) Notary Public In and tor i unty or •
• I.os Angeles, state of CaHf ri ....
FRIDAY, OCTOBER SS, tsnx.
Everybody who possesses d sense of fairness likes to see a fight
"tguare," if there rausi be a fight. Jhis applies to the prise
ring and to polities and nil the intorme
diate fields of strife, tf blows are to be
given, why then it is only just that blows
he received. The rule of "give nnd take '
CONGRESSMAN
BARLOW
is about as good as any that has yet been devised by our im
perfect civilization for doing justice on the spot. Hence there
are few people who will criticise Congressman Harlow for the
body blows which he delivered upon his antagonist at the Wig
wam Wednesday evening. That he did most unmercifully pom
mel Mr. Waters nnd his spokesman, Meserve, there is no ques
tion.
From ihe outset of the campaign the Republican press ami
stump speakers have kept up a perpetual tire of detraction, in
nuendo and abuse directed personally at Mr. Barlow. They
have been tireless in their use and abuse of the term "business
opportunities." This they have twisted into a thousand dif
ferent meanings, always bad, and (hey have fixed it upon Mr.
Barlow as a confession of crookedness' before the fact, which
they assumed must have been carried into the most gigantic
frauds that tint mind of man could conceive. Fair-minded men,
even though they might i.ot have been strongly predisposed
towards Mr. Barolw, have grown tired of this continual fusil
lade of ignoble insinuation. They were quite desirous of hear
ing from the other side of the proposition, ar.d they were ready,
even with half n justification, to take up Mr. Barlow's cause.
This much, at least, the congressman's small detractors have ac
complished for him.
And when Mr. Barlow did stand up to answer the innuen
does of his adversaries The Herald Is free to say lie answered
ti:i m in a manly way —confessing his fault, in so far as he was
nt fault, but exculpating himself norn wrong intention or evil
net.
The fact is that, when Mr. Barlow was elected as tha repre
sentative oi the Sixth district, two years ago, ho was a mere
tyro in political matters. He had been a farmer up in San Luis
Obispo oounty, ami had been struggling for years on an uphill
road. Politically he was as "green us grass." Mr. Barlow does
not say so, but we all know such to be the fact. It was bis
misfortune to fall into the hands of a bad adviser—a regular
marplot—and to that man he wrote several letters which have
since been published, misinterpreted and used against him.
The "business opportunity" which Harlow had in mind when
he w rote to J, Mtuiun Brooks was to present proofs ot some
old claims against the government ami secure compensation for
the holders. These claims—for furnishing supplies to Fremont's
expedition in Ihe early days of California—had been passed by
Congress, and it was necessary to furnish proofs to the depart
ment in order to secure tho compensation. Mr. Barlow did not
know that it was not permissible for a congressman to act as
attorney for anybody with a claim against the government.
When he was advised on this matter, he dropped it instanter.
His fault was one ol ignorance, and not of evil intent.
Barlow's detractors, with all their hooro of detraction, have
not shown one dishonest act against him as a congressman, and
he challenges them to do so.
On the other hand, he knows a great deal mere about
political matters now than he did two years ago. Indeed, ho
has been an apt pupil, and his natural tact, hacked up by
a great deal of industry, has made him the most efficient rep
resentative the Sixth district has ever had in congress. Bur
low has accomplished more for his district than all of his prede
cessors put together. VI ith this record behind him he can well
afford to defy bis detractors. And we think the Sixth district
can ill afford to have such a man brushed aside by miserable
Insinuations and imputations of a wrong thdught.
We know that Barlow was a stam-h supporter «>f the Ban
Pedro harbor bill; we know that he opposed the refunding
bill end Ihe Dingle;, tariffj wo know be ii safe on tbe silver
question.
In view of these facts, and rather than By to evils that we
know not of, The Herald advises every member oi tho allied
parties to vote for Charles A. Harlow for congressman to suc
ceed liilllselt.
Collis P.Huntington baa kindly furnished the people of Cali
fornia with another and a very potent reason why they should
choose Judge Maguire, and not Henry T.
Cage, for governor. Though the reason
is furnished nt long range it is |us( as
important as if uttered or written by the
HUNTINGTON'S
CHOICE
principal owner of California while personally present among us.
Being interviewed in New York city regarding thepoliti al
eituatioii in this state, Mr. Huntington, thoughexpri wing him
self rather guardedly, did not hesitate to say whom hi consid
ered the wrong man for governor and whom he wished to sec
elected. He first declared that "the Democratic nominee is a
bud man, nnd mixed up with a bad lot —bad through ami
through "
Of the other candidate he said: "1 think Cage is a good
Ulan — good enough to bo governor of California."
It is well that the head of tho great octopus has thus dearly
expressed his choice as to the important matter of selecting a
governor of this corporation-ruled state for the vest four years.
It is what every thinking person expected, but some de
nied, and now we have it. from the fountain head.
'Maguire is "a ba l man, and mixed up with a bad lot."
I That is to sny, he is bad for the selfish interests of Hunting-
I on and his co-oppressors, and is mixed up with a "bad lot"
» if independent voters who are at last determined to break the
power of corporate rule in this fair state and'take a long step
toward industrial freedom. That will Indeed be bad for corpo
ration cinchers, who have long had everything pretty much
their own wuy, but it will be a mighty good thing for the
struggling masses who produce the wealth of the country and
lender a full equivalent for every benefit they derive from
the government. Now is the accepted time for the much-needed
; change, and the handwriting ia on the wall. The inscription
means that the plundering Belshaazars of monopoly have about
I reached the end of their rope, nnd that henceforth the toilers
| will conic nearer getting what they earn by their own honest
i efforts, instead of turning over most of their earnings to feed
and fatten organized greed.
Mr. Gage is the man wanted for governor by Mr. Hunting
ton. Gage is just the man—according to the magnate's own
words. All right. Then it follows that Gage is not the mun
wanted by the people of California. No man can serve two
masters; or, in other words, no man can serve one master
■ and the people at the samo time. Everybody in thief state
I knows the railroad is in politics this year, if it never was be
fore, despite .Mr. (luge's protestations to the contrary. If there
has heretofore been a shadow of doubt ns to the side on which
the octopus wan arrayed, there is now not the slightest founds
, tion for any such doubt. Mr. Huntington's declaration that
| .Maguire is "a bad man" and Gage is "a good man"—"good
| enough for governor of California"—will settle the question in
the mind of every voter in the state who learns what Uncle
I Colli* said. To elect Maguire is tho plain duty of the people,
I and we believe they will do it.
Colonel Roosevelt's campaign for governor of New York is
spectacular. His principal performance seems to ba an exhibi-
tion of "Rough Killers." who fought at
Santiago. This, however, does not tend
to enlighten the people in regard to stnte
or national policies. It is an effort to
TEDDY'S
MISTAKE
make them overlook important questions through arousing ad
miration for brave men.
There were displayed at Santiago courage nnd fortitude
which deserve applause and gratitude, hut to see men who
have bravely faced dangers and with fortitude have endured
hardships, deprivations and sickness is not' n novelty in this
country. In the stale of New York there are probably a hun
dred thousand men who were in the field during our late civil
war. which was the greatest war ever waged on the face of
the earth. There arc veterans from hundreds of the bloodiest
battlefields, who fought at Malvern Hill, at South Mountain,
Antietam, Cbancellorsville, Vicksburg, Gettysburg, in the Wild
erness, at Fisher's Hill. Missionary Ridge', Lookout Mountain.
Cold Harbor, and who continued through the Richmond cam
paign to Appomattox. Our civil war was one in which Greek
met Greek.
In presenting this picture we do not design to detract from
the glory earned by our soldiers in Cuba, for they ure entitled
to unstinted praise, but to remind Colonel Roosevelt that that
glory, because it is the latest, does not eclipse tho perform
ances of American soldiers n third of a century ago. Let him
exhibit l is "Bough Riders," but not forget that there are
grave questions from which the public cannot be diverted by
v grand-stand playj that it will not conceal the spirit pho
tograph ot Piatt by the side of his own.
We notice that the Republican leaden are adopting new
tactics in their desperate efforts to parry the effective Demo
cratic attack. A steadfast support of the
administration in the coming election is
necessary, we are now told, as a proper
climax to the war. The Republican candi
date for governor of New York says, for
NEW
REPUBLICAN
TACTICS
example, that "a victory ut tiie polls of the men who are op
posing and denouncing the administration in this election will
be interpreted abroad as meaning, on the part of Americans,
a repudiation of the war from which we have just emerged."
The same sentiment has lately been expressed by Republican
lea (era in California. It looks, in fact, as if it might be a late
thought from the fertile brain of the Hon. Marcus A. Hanna.
The attempt to shield the administration behind the record
of the war will not answer. The war was not a Republican
enterprise. Democrats did quite as much aa Republicans in
precipitating ar.d waging the war, and they have no inten
tion of being crowded aside by Republican claimants. In at
tacking the palpable abuses in the war department and in ex
posing the political purposes of the president, the war and its
results are foreign to the question. And no diversion of tho
main issues can be effected by the attempt to place the Dem
ocrat-, in the light of an anti-war party.
The Democratic party was for war when the president was
dallying, ami when his more aggressive supporters were trying
to stiffen his backbone. Newspapers nnd leaders of the party
stood by the administration steadfastly throughout the war
period. When peace came and facts were brought to light
showing tho niter rottenness of the war department, then ]>em
ocn I k ar.d Republicans us well, spoke their minds with noun
certainty of meaning. Newspapers of both parties demanded
the removal of.Secretary Alger, and urged the president to take
decisive action. When it became evident that the president was
determined to ignore all those appeal., nnd to adhere strictly
tv his habit of being "faithful to his friends," then he fairly be
came a target for criticism.
The attempt to place the Democratic party in the position
of opponents of the war simply indicates tha desperate straits
to which Ihe Republican leaders arc driven. Every Democrat
rejoices at the outcome of the contest, and every one now de
mands, as firmly as his political opponents, that the United
States shnll reapajust reward for the nation s victory. In
fact, the Democratic party stands firmly on the president's decla
ration of the purpose for which the war was waged.
The idea expressed by Colonel Roosevelt, nnd by others in
similar form. Is simply ludicrous. If the Republicans fail in
the election foreigners will attribute the disaster to America:]
"repudiation of ihe war!" arc not worrying much about
foreign interpretation, but here in the United States such result
would mean, or rather will mean, that the people are weary
oi Algorism, and that they rebuke the president for sticking
closer to his political friends than to his obligations of official
duty.
A sensible plan in, - at last been suggested for assuring peace
in (luba while the island is settling down to not tnal oondil ion i.
This plan is to police the island with ten or fifteen thousand
insurgents, under American control* A well organised system
of this kin.l would give needed employment to men who at
going out of the military service, nnd would probably be>effect
Ive. After the Spaniards evacuate there can be no necessity
for such an army of occupation as has been talked about, lie
insurgents are good raw material for police service in their own
< ountry, ar.d it is only such service that is likely to he required.
Anyway, the plan now proposed will save many an American
soldier from taking his final sleep beneath the sod of Cuba.
Young women with a weakness for cigarettes should bo re
minded of Ihe fate ol a Nebraska girl who was on the eve of
coming .1 bride, She got into the cigarette habit, but prom
i ii! hei intended husband that she would never, no never,
-. ,«.;.« again. Aa the wedding ceremony was about to begin
tbe groom caught! a taint odor of cigarette in her breath, and
immediately departed. The moral in the case is, of course,
obvious, Don't smoke till after the wedding.
Ihe American Missionary association declares that "higher
education is needed by the negroes of the south." That is nil
well enough where there is a substantial foundation of educa
tion thai is r.oi so high. The colored people of the south would
now le much further advanced than they are now, education
ally, if they had not been held down for ten years as vassals of
the horde of Republican carpet-baggers who flocked to the south
at the close of tha Civil war. I
LOS ANGELES HERALD: FRIDAY MORNING, OCTOBER 28, (89S
STORIES OF THE DAY
The Chicago Record tells a story of the
old days before the cash registers were used.
Frank Parmalee was
One for Frank and running his 'bus line
One for Me. in Halstead street.
Said the narrator:
"He had a driver named 'Bob' Something
or Other, aud he had his suspicions that he
wasn't getting all the fares he was entitled
to. 'Bob' had a habit of talking to himself,
and one time Parmalee caught him in the
stable reckoning up the day s proceeds. He
had emptied his buckskin bag out onto a
sack of oats, and was Marking up silver dal
lars into two piles. 'There s a dollar for
Frank,' he says, 'an' a dollar for me aud a
dollar for Frank.' He kept on this way
until he had all the money equally divided
with a dollar over. Old Frank kept still
and woitcd to see what. 'Bob' would do with
that dollar. 'Bob' seemed to be rather un
decided about it himself.
"He looked at it, and weighed it in his
hand. 'Shall 1 keep it?'he says to himself.
'No. I'll let Frank nave it. He has to feed
his horses.' Parmalee broke in on him then
and gathered in the whole pot. Next he pro
ceeded to talk kindly but firmly to his dri
ver. 'It's a good thing you had some glim
merings of conscience remaining, you infer
nal old scoundrel,' he said. 'If you hndn't
turned over that odd dollar I'd have fired
you sure.'"
o o o
A lady who was his constant friend nnd
benefactor begged Beaconsfield to read Mal
lock's first book and
Praising an say something civil
Unfamiliar Book a,; °; ,t '*• sa Y B a S. UF '
rent magazine. 1 lie
prime minister replied with a groan: "Ask
me anything, dear lady, except this, lam
an old man. Do not make me read your
young friend's romances." 'Oh, but he
would be a great accession to the Tory party
and a civil word from you would secure him
forever." "Oh—well."then, give me a pen
and a sheet of paper." And, sitting down
in the lady's drawing room, he wrote: "Dear
, I am sorry that I cannot dine
with you, but 1 am going down to Hughon
den foi' a week. Would that my solitude
could be peopled by the bright creations
of Mr. Matlock's fancy. " "Will t>at do for
your young friend?"
A Scottish paper tells a story of Sandy
Mc . a Forfarshire farmer, who had been
spending an hour or
Scotch t wo i n the evening
Eccentricity with a friend a couple
:>f miles away.
It was a moonlight night, and Sandy,
after partaking freely of Ins friend's hospi
tality, was riding quietly home across the
sheep pastures on his "quid auld mare
when they came to an open ditch, which his
marc refused to cross. .
"Hoot, awa. Maggie, said the rider, this
winna due. \ c maun jist gang ower.
lie turned back about a hundred yards,
wheeled around and gave the marc a touch
of his whip. On she went at a brisk canter;
hut as they reached the edge of the ditch
she stopped dead and shot Sandy clean over
to the other side.
Gathering himself up, Sandy looked his
mare straight in the face and said:
"Vera weel pitched, indeed ma lass. But
hoo are ye goin' to get ower yersel', eh?"
A reply of a somewhat mixed char
acter was given by the gamekeeper of
an estate near Tralee lo a gentleman of the
town who requested leave for a day's shoot
ing. "'Sure, yer honor may as well do the
pcachia' as any other blackguard out of
fralee." Of course the gamekeeper meant
that the gentleman might as well enjoy the
advantages of the preserves as the boys from
Tralee, who were in the habit of surrepti
tiously coursing the estate for hares and
rabbits.
A beggar man was brought into a work
house, got a good washing und was then dis
charged in a new suit ot clothes. As the
old man was leaving the institution"the mas
ter said: "Well, Mick, how do you like your
hue new suit?" "Oh. thin, the duds is rale
illigint," but the washitt' took more hate
out of me than is in four shutes of clothes."—
London Standard.
A lady took her Irish maid to task for care
lessness and forgetfulness. "Why is
it. Mary," said she, "that you keep
on making the same mistakes over and over
.iL-ain: Why don't you try to remember
what I tell you?" That day happened to be
very warm, so Mary returned the quaint re
ply: ".Sure, ma'am, I can't be afther aggra
vatin' me momd this hot weather."
Two men were lighting in the streets of
Cork. One got the other down and was
administering to him a severe punishment
when the man below cried out to the on
lookers: "Oh, tare lis asunder or we'll mux
dhor ache other."
Sayings deliriously quaint or delightfully
extravagant rise naturally and spontaneous
ly to the lips of the Irish peasants, »nd the
number of felicitous eccentricities of expres
sion or unexpected perversities of view which
a resident meet's with in Ireland is endless.
A gentleman noted for his bulk of proportion
fell ill. and was kept alive only by the occa
.. out administration of a teaspoonful of
brandy. One of the servants of the house
mentioned this circumstance to a friend.
"A tayspoonflll is it?" said the other, con
temptuously. "An' what would a tayspoon
ful be sthrayin' about in such a wilderness
of a man?"
Within three years a man will bo able to
trot Into the train at Ostend and travel
straight through to Port Arthur. In live
years a person will t>e able to travel in a
railway carriage from the Cape to Alex
aneliia. There Is yet a third great world
line from Constantinople via Palestine.
Persia, India, and riurmah to Hong Kong.
The importance of these three great lines
of communication cannot be sufflclently
dwelt upon; it can certainly not be exag
gerated. With the Siberian railway we
have nothing to do now: with regard to the
i -her two this Is to he noted—they both n"
them meet in Palestine. Palestine is the
great center—the meeting of the roads.
'.'hoover holds Palestine commands the
great lines of communication not only by
land, but also by sea.—Fortnightly Re
view.
■» . «■
Notice has been served upon Castelar.
the rep blic.an leader of Spain, that he Is
lo be the next publicist to fpel the touch
if the anarchist knife. Senor Castelar Is
calking about with great difficulty now
□n account of the ECrupplsed armor over
tits i-ii.s and th' boiler Iron with which his
o i era arc reinforced.-St. Louis Globe-
Democrat.
"Was Josephine popuiar at your sum
mer resort?"
"Popular? The landlord had to pay her
to retire al night."—Chicago Record.
The emperor or China may not have lost
his head, but for all the use he 1s In the
world he might as well have.—New York
Press.
REGARDING FASHODA
A Frenchman met a Briton
Far down in the Soudan;
And the Frenchman said: "We'vedropped
In here
With a civilizing plan,
To do work humanitarian
For our heathen brother man."
Said the Briton to the Frenchman:
"Really, now, that's very nice;
But we've civilised some thousands
At a reasonable price,
And we think the job Is so well done
It won't need doing twice."
—J. W. M. ln Now York Press.
HIBERNICISMS
Great World Railways
An Armored Cruiser
Kept the House Open
He May Be Ahead
SPIRIT OF THE PRESS
Presidential Gush
Does President McKinley think that the
people of America will be plastered over with
fulsome flattery? Would it not be more be
coming in him and more acceptable to sen
sible men and women throughout the coun
try if he used the language of moderation und
common sense in speaking of the virtues of
his countrymen? Truth as well as modesty
and good taste should check the president's
constant indulgence in talk about the "holi
ness" of our cause, in such high-flown asser
tions as that "all through the war we have
mingled with our heroism our splendid and
glorious humanity." Neither is there any
sense in talking about our victory as of a
splendor unparalleled in history; on the con
trary, the wur was fought between two na
tions of such disparity in strength as has
seldom been known in wars.—Baltimore
News.
Molasses Better Than Vinegar *
A valuable hint is offered to the Chicago
Virden Coal company by the people of
Waco, Tex. Eleven motormen, who went
from Wichita to Waco to fill the plafcos of
the striking motormen, were iilleei with good
things to eat by the citizens of Waco, were
given money to pay their fare back to Wich
ita aud were so touched by the generous
treatment they received that they left town
the day after they arrived there. All of the
bloodshed and trouble nt Virden might have
been averted if the strikers there had led
the Alabama negroes on chicken and cattish
and watermelons and paid their fare back
to Birmingham.—Kansas City Star.
Trade With Brazil
The main thing that seems to interfere
with our trade with Brazil is the fact that
Americans do not study the conditions that
are there. The trade that lias already been
built up is due in a largo measure to the en
terprise of the Brazilians themselves. The
rich planters send their sons here to be edu
cated, and they return to their homes tilled
with the methods and ideas of this country.
As a result they naturally look to it as an
outlet for their goods. Kngland, Germany
and Holland arei reaping the benefits of
fade that should rightly be our own.—
Philadelphia Inquirer.
Another of Alger's Schemes
The recommendation of the war depart
ment that the United States spend a few
million dollars in railway construction in
Cuba to provide the island with transporta
tion for military purposes does not look like
Cuba for Cubans. Secretary Alger's plan
looks too much like a scheme to spend money
for political advantage. No doubt a few
millions of government money could be made
to do the administration substantial service
by turning over the construction of the roads
to the late army contractors.—Kansas City
Times.
All Making for Democratic Success
The canal ring in New York, with its co
lossal loot; the gore dripping l'inkertons in
Illinois, with their smoking Winchesters;
the bright and glory shining sons of their
fathers-eke the young Blames, Algers, Lo
gans qX id genus omne—the fever camps, ty
phoid flies, rotten-meat contractors, camp
site and transport deals and scandals —all
these are working for Democratic success at
the polls next month harder than if they
were paid for. —Washington Times.
Advantage of the Trusts
Where the public stands at a disadvantage
in cases like flic one having for its object the
looking into the affairs of the Standard Oil
company is in the sort of legal talent it usual
ly employs to cope with the ablest lawyers in
the country, who are always at the beck of
wealthy clients. A salaried attorney o f the
state finds it hard to overcome the might of
a SIO.OOO fee on the other side.—Boston Her
ald.
A Michigan Philosopher
"I saw a rather funny thing this morn
ing, coming in on the train," said a down
town merchant. "There was a man just
ahead of me in the smoker, with his head
out of the window, smoking a pipe.
"Suddenly, without warning, the bowl
parted from the stem and fell to the ground.
Without a moment's hesitation hi- threw
the stem after it. and then followed it With
his tobacco pouch. Then he settled back
into bis seat and smiled to himself.
" 'My friend,' sad he. as he chanced fo
see n look of amused inquiry upon my face,
'I am not crazy: merely a philosopher
When I lost the bowl of my pipe the stem
Was of no further use to me. The finder of
the bowl will need a stem, hence I threw
out the stem, which was valueless tn me,
The pipe, without tobacco, would be a cross
to a lover of the weed, so I threw out my
tobacco pounch. My actions 1 were simply the
natural outcome of profound mental calcu
lation, on the basis of the greatest good to
the greatest number,'
"A moment later he Rave a start and ex
claimed:
" 'T>y ,JNve, I forgot flic mat dies!'
"T mildly suggested that the bortunate
finder could probably borrow a match
" 'True.' said he. Mint .all the same I wish
that I had thought about them. Tn all pro
found calculations one must grasp the en
tire subject to produce a harmonious whole.'
"1 am satisfied that that nartv will be
heard from some day. but whether as an
Organizer of a new political party or the
discoverer of a new brand e»f soap. I am
unable to say."—Detroit Free Press.
The National III
We were ills Hissing the rational 111, nnrl
ill agreed that It wis not catarrh, as doc
tors used to say, but headache. There are
about twenty kinds of headache, and it re
quires a pretty clever doctor to determine
their cause, Sick headaches are constitu
tional, nnd last from three days to a fort
e.ight. The neuralgic headache- comes from
a disordered stomach, and can he cured in
five minutes by an emetic or a strong pur
gative. Headaches from exhaustion, over
work, eye-strain, anemia. Brlght's disease,
ver-oatlng, drunkenness, mental strain,
impurities in the lungs, obstruction of the
alimentary tract, depression of spirits, ex
hilaration, poverty long drawn out and sud
den prosperity are some of the forms of
the malndy to which nil e,f us are continu
ally liable. Pome men are born with head
aches, some cultivate them.—Visiter Smith
in *he New York Press.
Partnership Affair
"Cholly and .Miss Fp-pnr- arc Insepara
ble. They are 'two souls with but a single
thought.' "
"She tins the thought, then. He isn't ca
llable of It."—Chicago Tribune,
THE FIRST PERSON SINGULAR
It's only a line written stralgh't up ami
down,
But It worries tho country and startles the
town.
The small letter "I" causes prospects once
fair
To tumlde chaotic, the mischief knows
where.
When harmony gently assumes to com-t
mand,
"Ego" bluntly steps forward to manage
the band.
Peace blossoms serenely. 'Tls but for a
day,
The first person singular scares It away.
In art, war and statecraft the question we
see
Ever pushed to the front ls, "What's ln It
for me?"—
And time which Is needed for building true
fame
Is spent hunting big typo to blazon a name.
And that's why the pessimist mournfully
sings
About the eternal unfitness of things.
With ashes of glory earth's history Is thick,
And the first person singular's what did
tbe trick. —Washington Btar.
xSL Overcoats |
/ / IA The fact that the sunny side of the street has I
[ a »* «\ been the most popular during the past few days |
I \ \\ does not signify that you can go without an |
LJra, » "{jMfll overcoat all winter, even if you stay at home I
v nights. Why not buy one now while the as- |
sort ment is unbroken. I
|
Men's Overcoats # 8.80 to #23.00 |
WW MULLEN, BLUETT 8 Co. |
Y/yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy/ywyyyy/y//y///////////y//yyyy}>
r m i Em*J TJ ti! I TP r H
Men who buy their cigars by the box are invited to ex- WL
amine our stock. We would like to have you try an |||
Cigar. Clear, high-grade Havana Tobacco—ls sizes. W.
W Hundreds of Los Angeles men will smoke nothing else.
208-StO S. Spring St., Wilcox Building
| About This Time Every Pall — |
| The Fire Department!
<* Is called out by us. Its members consist of 2
IStoves,1 Stoves, Ranges, Heaters, Stove Boards, f
Stove Pipes, Coal Hods, Fire Sets, Etc 1
And all articles essential to man's comfort during the coming season. Our lines 9
are more attractive and varied and prices lower than ever. Patterns and makes 2
$ are the best in the market. S
I James W. Hellman f
successor to w. c. furrey co. |
157 to 161 North Spring Street : 1
STEEL RANGES
CONSUMPTION CURED
Private Sanitarium. Heport of caiea .out lrea. 413 X Bouth Spring at .Lo, Angels,, Oat.
THE JOKE TRUST
HOGABOOM
For tonic time past 1 have been working
upon the plans and specifications of one cl
the must gigantic business enterprises ever
attempted on this or any other continent.
It is nothing less than the formation of a
joke combine, to cover the whole oi the
United States, with headquarters in this
place, and branches in all the leading citiei
nt the country. It is intended to control
practically the entire joke output of the
I'nited States, with a view to advancing
prices on this staple article of daily con
sumption, and also to elevate the tone of
the trade generally.
The trust, for such it will really be, will
start out with a capitalisation of $8.30 fully
paid up. Each individual manufacturer ol
jokes throughout the I'nited Stales who de
sires tn join the combine will he required to
pay into the treasury of the company the
sum of If) cents, or, in cuse of his not being
able to raise that amount of money, to give
his note, secured upon his plant, for a like
amount. He will also he required to sign an
agreement to handle the entire product of
his plant through the trust.
The joke manufacturing business has lan
guished tor some lime, as the direct result
of competition and over production. The
trust will do away with competition in the
business entirely. There will be one scale
of prices and publishers will be obliged to
fey the prevailing prices or go without jokes.
The scale of prices will be carefully gotten
up. For instance the mother-in-law joke
will be given three classifications. Original
mother-in-law jokes (very rare in single
packages, will command the highest prices,
while warmed-over mother-in-law jokes, in
dozen lots, warranted not to corrode or tar
nish, will be placed at a very moderate,
though living price. Second-hand mother
in-law jokes, for almanacs and patent medi
cine papers, will be handled only in carload
lots, but will be placed at a figure well within
the reach of all.
Special attention will be paid to the re
quirements of ihe trade. A carefully se
lected and assorti d line of golf jokes for so
i iety pa iers, will he kept constantly on
l and. These will he without any point to
them, of course, hut they will be very neatly
gotten up, to please the special class oi'
reader. Gold brick jokes for agricultural
papers will he one of the specialties) also.
These will he put up in lots of one, two or
three dosen, packed in sawdust, and witii
nothing hut Ihe plain address on the out
side-. They will he warranted to keep in any
climate, except when exposed to the air.
I am also contemplating putting in a plant
here, to be run under the general direction
cl the trust, where jokes can be made to or
der. Publishers can then send in a general
outline of what they wish, stating size, shape
aud duality of material to be used, nnd jokes
will be sent to them when completed, by ex
press, with privilege of examination, before
paying the money. Directions for setting
up and operating will be enclosed.
I have been wondering, also, if it wouldn't
pay us to put in a cheap plant for turning
out machine made jokes on a large scale, thnt
could be used by young men at church fuirs
and house parties and things like that;
something cheap but substantial, you know.
They could he put up in paper packages, and
fitted with common steel springs, that work
automatically, so that all the young men will
have to do will be to spring them and there
would be no mental effort required.
It is possible, too, that the trust will see
fit to go into the importing business. It
might have a man traveling constantly
about, in out-of-the-way places, picking up
rare antiques, here snd there, for use by
people on the stage. lam reliably informed
htat the jokes now being used on the staga
were exhumed from the ruins of Pompeii,
Myccna, Tyrens and other towns that you
don't hear much about nowadays, llut the
supply has been running low of lute, they
tell me, and some means of replenishing it
must soon be found. Possibly the trust will
see lit to send a party to continue the exca
vations at these places, in the hope of dig
uing up a nice lot of jokes that will do for
ihe stage first-rate, with a little mixing up,
nibbing the rust off, and patching in places,
perhaps.
As 1 intimated before, the trust will sound
the death knell of competition ill the joka
trade. There will be no such thing, after
it gets to running, as, for instance, myself
going to an editor with a nice bright, new
and original joke on the Philippine islands
with something about I'ncle Sam and John
ny Hull eating a philopena in it, and when I
oner the joke to him for 50 cents, have him
tell ma that Olhcmaii Stevens or Oeorge
Burton or Major Hen Truman have been
hanging around the office for a week trying
to sell him the same joke for 15 cents.
That's the sort of competition that is tak
ing the very life blood out of the joke indus
try. The trust will regulate the joke output
to'the demands of the trade, and prices will
be what they ought to be.
The Light That Failed
Pollywog—What's the trouble between
Van Clove and his wife? 1 thought she
was the light of his life.
Jollydog—So she was, but she went out
too much.—Town Topics.
A Rude Awakening
Wife—John, 1 wish you would let me have
$50 this morning.
Husband—My dear, you must have
dreamed that I married an belress, didn't
you?— Chicago News.
Omens
"To snuff a candle out accidentally la a
sign of marriage."
"Yes; and to turn a lamp down inten
tionally ls a sign of courtship."—Chicago
Ilecorii.
Bears Fond of Mutton
Ar was to have hecn expected, New
York's wool exchange has burst, but the
business of shearing the lambs will con
tinue to thrive In Wall street.—Boston Her
ald.
A Lone State
Texas has 108.000 more bachelors than old
maids. This must be the reason It ls called
the lone star state.—St. Louis Globe-Demo
crat.
THE RETURNING
They march behind the tattered flag,
Our very hearts it charms,
But spent and slow their footsteps lag.
The weary men-at-arms.
With gallant haste they Btormed the hill.
And dared the deadly fray;
They had no lack of nerve or will
In battle's fearful day.
Though bullets swept their thinning ranks
They did not pale with dread.
Today they smile and utter thanks
Above that roll of dead.
A subtler foe, a wilier craft,
Has moved them since tne fight;
A bitter cup their lips have quaffed—
Fever and cold, and fright,
And famine, ghostly enemies.
Have had them for their prey.
Well may they lag behind the flag.
Our men-at-arms this day. \
And home returned, the brilliant skies
Grew dark to us who see,
Through tears that blur our pitying eyes.
How cruel war con be.
—Margaret Bangster ln Collier's Weekly

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