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WITH THE FUNNY FOLKS NOT THE WAY HE WANTED IT. Jack Playball — You promised me a klsg. Mar I take It? Grace Playglrl— Sure, a first-class ball player like you would derive no satis faction from simply taking; a kiss. Stand off across the room, and I'll throw you one. HOW TO DO IT. When a hot flay comes. When your collar has wilted and the color been sweat out of your suspenders. When rivulets are running down your When a. Hot Dar Comes. back and you are panting and gasping. And about 40 different fellers have asked If It Is hot 'nuff for you. And yon have crippled one-half of them for life and put the others In charge of the undertaker. Then make for the nearest drug store. Jam Into the crowd around the soda fountain. Use your knees and your el bows and look as savage as a wounded THE FUN OF IT. Beryl— I think this Is such fun— a picnic In an airship. Sibyl— Yes, and won't the Inhabitants look surprised when lunch time comes «nd empty sardine cans and soda water bottles rain down on them! boar. When you have got to the front sum mon up your dying energies and call out to the boy: "Lemon and vanilla syrup, and have It cold and cussed quick!" You'll get it -when the boy gets ready. Don't rush things and stick your chin and nose Into the glass. Lift It up slow ly. Look at It lovingly. Anticipate the coldness that will be yours In about a minute. Don't guide, but sip. Take time to look to right and left and pity the other poor devils who are being held back. Drink slowly. Utter an "Ah-uml" be tween sips. Don't let any of the froth »Rcape yon. Don't let the lemon dodge or the vanilla play you any tricks. Be fully 10 minutes getting to the bottom of the glass and five more smacking your lips and wishing it hnd been a barrel Instead of a glass. After a lust wipe at your nose and a last wish that you had the throat of a giraffe you are ready to go, and as you meet a friend staggering in and feeling that he will drop dead In another minute look him cooly In the eye and call ont: "Hello, Billy, old boy. Just going home to get my fall overcoat on. If you have got any cabbages In the garden you had better cover them up tonight, for It feels like a frost!" JOE KERB. THE REASON. Clerk— "The Prince's secretary refused to accept the suite on the nineteenth floor for the Prince." Hotel Proprietor— "Why?" Clerk— "He said that the descent In the elevator would be too much of a come down for a royal personage." LOS ANGELES HERALD SUNDAY SUPPLEMENT THE LAST TIME. One day we went fishing A lovely golden line it was. Where the waters whirl. That never fished In vain, Kitty used a smile for bait And I'm so tangled up in it, And caught me with a curl. She cannot fish again. The Man — Ah, and I suppose you trained him by kindness? The Kid -Yep; kindness and a club. DAD KNEW. The Graduate — Well, dad, my education Is finished. Hli Father — Then It don't amount to much. If It did It wouldn't be finished. The Camel— Move on there In front, Jumbo; don't stop th« procession The Elephant— Well, I'm carrying a load. The Camel— Why, there's nobody riding you today. The Elephant— No; but I have to carry my own trunk. A DISHONORED MAN. When the street car conductor came along and held out his baud for the fare the man asked to be trusted for the amount, adding that he would pay next day. He was told that the company did not do business on that plan and finally forked over. Then he turned to the man on bis rlgbt and said: "I'm not blaming the conductor at all." "No? But he seemed to doubt your honesty," was the reply. "And well he might, sir — well he might. A month ago I goes Into McCarthy's sa loon and says to him: " 'Mac, I'm in want of a bottle of beer to take home with me. How much will it be?' " 'Seven cents, and you get two when the bottle Is returned." " 'Biit I'll be sure to return It without the extra two cents.' " 'On your life?' " 'On my life It Is.' "Well. I takes the bottle home and drinks the contents and throws the dead bird Into a corner. Three weeks later I asks the old woman for the bottle, mean ing to return It to McCarthy. " 'It's gone to the Junk man along with the paper-rags,' she Bays, and so of course I can't take It back. "I meets McCarthy and he calls me a robber. I meets Jimmy O'Brien and be calls me a liar. I meets Tommy Whalen and he says I'm a thief. I alts down and thinks It over and decides that I'm a dishonored man, and, therefore, I'm saying to you that I don't blame the con IN THB CIRCUS PARADE. Held on< his hand for the fare. (luctor at all, at all. If he bad trusted me for the nickel I'd have walked all the rest of the summer rather than pny It to him." JOB KEKIt. MAKINO A HIT WITH HER. Druggist— l always mix your medicine In this blue shaded graduate. The Maiden — That's nice. The Druggist — Yes; I call this our sweet girl graduate. HE WAS SAVED. I was coming down on the Fall River boat when we ran Into a gale, and as the sea got up there was more or less fright among the passengers. The one Do yon belief dere Thai say danger? | >v.v'""v'"' most affected was a Boston clothier, and as the steamer bounced around be sat down beside me and said: "Do you belief dere vhas any danger?" "Plenty of It," I replied. "If der steamer shall go down der "Miss June-Bugg seems qnlte smitten on old man Roach, doesn't she?" "Yes, It's a case of June and December." AROUSING UNCLE JOHN. There was the usual crowd of villagers sitting; on the postofflce steps waiting for the mall to be distributed, and among them was Uncle John. He had Joined the sitters without saying a word, and at the end of 15 minutes one of the men winked at the crowd and said: "Well, Uncle John, but have yon heard about the big earthquake In Vermont, with 10,000 people killed?" Uncle John looked at him In a weary way and shook his head. "And the cyclone In Connecticut yes terday and 600 houses blown down," con tinued the man. Uncle John yawned and was not the least Interested. "The Ohio River rose 200 feet of a sud den the other day and carried the city of Cincinnati down stream. Tens of thou sands of people lost their lives. Any of your relatives down there, Uncle John?" The old man slowly shook his head and reached down to pick up a silver and pick his teeth with It "And the whole Btate of Pennsylvania Is caving In," said tho Joker, "and by to morrow there will ba a great lake where five or six million people have lived." Uncle John took the news without a word. In fact, be yawned and stretched over It. "By thunder, but there goes a rat un der that pile of lumber across the street," exclaimed the Joker as bo rose up. "Say, you fellers" But he got do further. Uncle John captain vhlll launch some boats, won't he?" "Very likely." "Und It vhlll be found dot dere That too many peoples for der boats, eh?" "That's generally the case." "But whoever gets avhay In Her first boat vbas sure to be saved," he con tinued. "That's the way I've been figuring It ont to myself." "Und vhas you acquainted mit der cap* tain?" "Yes, slightly." "Dot vbas good. Mr frendt, I Ilk* you to save me und my reputation, nnd I see dot you vhas rewarded. I vhas some tailors In Boston. I make a coat for Alderman Grady a few days ago und warrant him a good fit. He brings It back today und says It fits him Uk<s old coffee-sacks. I must alter dot coat or my reputation vbas gone dead. If I don't live I can't alter It. Derefore, you shall go to der captain und tell him dot I go off In der first boat, und dot If I live und clear my reputation I make him a pair of pantaloons for nottlngs." I started np as If to go, when he de tained me with a motion of his hand and added: "But dose pantaloons vhas only half wool. Remember dot, nnd maype dere vhas no buckle behind." JOB KERB. A3 A RULE. Bronson— Where's the best place to spend one's vacation? Woodson— Ohl that's easy. It's the place that you don't bear of until your vacation Is over. Among; them wa« l"ncl« John. ■ was across the street and hid a chib In his hand, and within the next 10 min utes he had done half a day's work tear- Ing down the pile to get at the rat. H» had been aroused at last JOB KERB.