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WITH THE FUNNY MAN WILD WAVES. "It seems strange, but heat comes in waves, does it not?" "It certainly does." "And yet a man wants to get into the waves to get out of the heat." YOU TAKE YOUR CHOICE. President Roosevelt says there will be BO war with Japan. Senator Depew says he dunno. Secretary Loeb says there won't be a gun fired. Depevr »>n he dunno. Tom Platt says mebbe not Admiral Yamato says It's absurd to think of It The Hometown Weekly Banner says It must come. Captain Kondo says Japan is our best friend. The Rev. Dr. Parkhurst says that some one is a liar. "Han she ever shown any sign as to whether (he car** for you or not}" "She's making it now, I think." The Marquis Ito says that Japan Is grateful for what we did. ' The Raines Law Raines says they can't fool him. The Mikado has assured the President of his friendship. The mayor of Podunk says look out for the Mike. All the English dallies say that war Is Inevitable. Murphy of Tammany says th« English. All the French dallies are greatly ex cited. The advice of Corporal O'Toole is to take another drink and keep cool. They are mounting guns a mile long at Manila. But Senator Foraker Is working among his cabbages. The American fleet Is to go by way of the Suez Canal. But the Japs are sawing wood and say ing nothing. The American fleet Is to go by way of Magellan. But the Mikado continues to trade at the same grocery. Senator TUlman says he doesn't see how we can escape It But Smith says we can lick 'em in two hours. And amidst all the growling* and rumblings and muttering* and shakings the paper collar has come back, and this time It Is to stay." JOE KERB. LOS ANGELES HERALD SUNDAY SUPPLEMENT I cannot go in search of air; I hava my duties to pursue. So consequently hurl my swear Upon those folks that can and do. THE TORTOISE AND THE SLOTH. Once upon a time as the Tortoise was wandering through the forest in search of a can of oxtail soup he came upon the Sloth, who had a grape-shot In bis jaws and was trying to crack it for a hickory nut. "Say, you are a good deal Af a scrub," observed the Tortoise after watching op erations for awhile. "Ob, there are others," airily replied the Sloth. "How many years does It take you to climb up a hoe-handle?" The Tortoise wn« In March of a can of ox-tall soap. "About a year less than It takes you to crawl ten feet." "Don't give me any of your sa«a." "And I don't want any from you." "Look here, Mister Sloth, you have seen 9t to throw out hints that I was not the speediest thing on legs in this forest. Ton must put up or shut up." - "How do you mean I*! "You know where the red school house Is, five miles away? I'll run you a race to the spot to prove that you ain't within a mile of being in It." "Done," replied the Sloth, and they separated to prepare for the contest The Tortoise knew his gait, and be humped himself for the depot and cangbt a freight train just as it was pulling out. There was grass on his back, but none under his feet. The Sloth had an Idea or two, however, and crawling down to the highway he stopped an auto and begged a ride, and when the Tortoise Phoebe— Are you really going back to the, city tomorrow! ,' >'• . , • i'i*S;Ks3l«PHß3>^»« PoUomna— Tm, mother found out I was engaged, and she say* there's no use to stay here any longer. THB SUMMER POET. I execrate their foolish ways, Their picnics, moonlight rides and fetes And much prefer, myself, these days To turn out verse at liberal rates. arrived at the spot he was greeted with: "Well. I knew you were a slow old coach, but I thought you could get a hustle on you once In twenty years." MORAL: Which goes to prove, and In fact does prove, that the race Is not always to the Strong — not when the liar Is about JOE KERR. HER SIMPLE REQUEST. "I am going to ask a great favor of you," she said hesitatingly. "It is already granted," he answered devotedly. " v . ,' . . "v , "A very great favor,", she repeated, as If doubtful of the propriety of stating it, "You're sure you won't think It pre sumptuous or forward In me?" "Never," he answered. "I glory In this evidence of your ! trust and confidence. Only tell me what I can do for you." "Well," she replied with ( evident re luctance, "would you mind getting up off that rustic bench? Papa painted It this afternoon, and he will -be awfully pro. voted If he has to do It over again." HER WORK DONE]. HE IS SAFE. "I see," said the anxious looking man to his fellow-passenger of the placid coun tenance, "that the Government Is going for the Trusts pretty heavily?" "Yes." "It Is tackling the railroads, the Sugar Trust, the Oil Trust and the Tobacco Trust." "Yes, I see that." "And It Is getting decisions In Its favor right along." "It certainly Is." , , "Do you think the Government will keep tt up?" "Bound to, sir — bound to. The people demand It." "Then It will eventually be good-by to the Trusts?" "It surely will. If you are In a Trust, sir, you'd better get out from under be fore It la too late. There will be a big tumble before another year Is over." "Urn. Well, I've got a little Trust of my own, and I've been wondering If the Government would Interfere with It." "What is It?" "I am making conn-husk mattresses. There are onjy seven of us manufacturers tn the country, while I. am the only one of the seven who puts in the cobs along with the busks and -'have my own little Trust." "What the devil do you put the cob* tn for?" asked the other as he remembered his boyhood days down on the old farm. "To massage the back while you sleep," replied the other. "Biggest success of the decade. Orders ahead for a year. Can't get half cobs enough and have to put in the butts of cornstalks and cabbage shanks. Do you tblnk the Government will consider me a Trust or a Sanita rium?" The other made no reply. He was a man of dignity, and feeling that his dig nity bad been Insulted he arose and dropped oil the ear. JOE KERB. HIS HABITAT. SquHbeb— Bo Wellman has started for the Pole. It must be lonesome up there with no sign of life. Sqollllgan— Huh! Can't they play with the Pole-cat? WHERE THE WHITB-CAPB FOAM. Mrs. Thorts— How wild the sea appears. It seems clamoring for something. Thorts— Let her clamor; it won't get anything as long as I can hold onto it HE DID THINQS. He was a cynic, and when a young man with the country sunburn on his cheek and a dress suit case in his hand boarded the car at the depot the other said: "You've bad your two weeks off." "Yes." Re waa a cynic. "You've been out In the country." "Yes." , "You've stopped at some farm house at seven dollars a week." "So I did." "And you slept on a straw bed and was bitten by mosqnltoes all night" "Positive fact, sir." "And the fresh milk was sour and the butter rancid." "Tasted that way- to me." "And it was durned bad cooking." "Durned bad." "And the weather was hotter than In town." "Ten dtgrees hotter." Maggie Mulligan— "Oo-oh! Jimmie. MM stands fer my came don't It?" Jlmmle Smith — "Nix. Dat Stan's fer Mildred Montnioreney. My golls gotter bare a high toned name!" THB THOUGHTFUL BOY. Dobbins — That office boy of your* has a thoughtful cast of countenance. Jobblns— Hasn't he? He's thinking op some new excuse for getting away A the ' hall games. "f i'^^^^^^^^^^iiSJ^^J^rijSi^i^^^^^^liJSa^mMSMiiSinfti'i' l \\'' » ' "And you'd have done a blamed sight better to stay right at home." "No disputing that, sir." "And — and " said the cynic, trying to get off something more, but be was In terrupted with: "But I got even with 'em. I killed the fanner and his wife, set the house oa fire, slaughtered all the live stock, broke down a mllldam and threw a train off th* track. I shall go again next summer. I like it." JOB KERB. LAZY MAN'S TRIUMPH. De Qulb — That grass seed you planted in the spring didn't pan out well, did itl Dfl Witt— Shah! That was only a bluff. Now I haven't any lawn to mow and my wife thinks its the seed dealer* fault