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Newspaper Page Text
JANUARY 2, 1910.
Over the Coffee and Cigarettes HIS MODEL An ambitious young man. called upon a publisher and stated that he had decided to write a book. "May I venture to inquire as to the nature of the book you propose to write?" asked the publisher. "Oh," came in an offhand way from the aspirant to literary fame, "I think of doing something on the line of .'Les Miserables,' only live lier, you know." — Ladies' Home Journal. =*= DOLLYS BETOBT "I won't wash my face!" said Lolly defiantly. "Naughty, naught y," reproved grandmother. . "When I was a little girl I always washed my face." "Yes, and now look at lt!"Every body's. iSKt l^^^B' "-C-M. mmWl TOM—Sho offers me every encourage ment, you know. DlCK— Who's the other fellow? TOM— What other fellow? DICK— the one she's frying to make Jealous.— Judy. WET THIS BRIDE TUNNED PALE Two ladles who had known each other in years gone by met on the street. Both of them were married to musicians. The one, a bride of a year, was pushing a baby carriage In which were three fine babies—trip lets, all girls. The other lady had been In the bonds of matrimony a couple of weeks. "What beautiful children!" ex claimed the newly married one with Interest. "Yes," replied the proud mother, "let me tell you the funniest coinci dence. At our wedding supper the boys who played with my husband in the orchestra serenaded him, and they played 'Three Litle Maids,' from 'The Mikado.' Isn't that queer?" At this the newly married one turned pale. "Mercy!" she gasped. "At our wedding supper Tom's friends sere naded him, also, and they rendered the sextet from 'Lucia.'"Ladles' Home Journal. AN EFFECTIVE TREATMENT At the bedside of a patient who was a noted humorist five doctors were in consultation as to the best means of producing a perspiration. The sick man overheard the dis cussion, and, after listening for a few moments, he turned his head to ward the group and whispered with a dry chuckle: "Just send in your bills, gentle men; that will bring it on at once." —Exchange. LOS ANGELES HERALD SUNDAY MAGAZINE HE—Of course, dearest, you under stand that our engagement must be kept quite secret? SHE— yes, dear; that's what I've told all my friends.—lllustrated Bits. TENT DBY GROUND A young man who lived in Chi cago was drinking more than was good for him. His friends tried to stop him, but were unsuccessful. Finally, one of them took him to Peoria, 111., where there are many great distilleries. They arrived about 8 o'clock one evening, and walked around. "Now, look here, Jim," said the good Samaritan friend, "all these big buildings you see here are dis tilleries. I just brought you down here to show you that your idea that you can drink all the whisky they make ii foolish. You can't beat them. You can't consume what they make and you'd better quit." "Maybe I can't consume all they make," the young man replied, "but," he added with much pride. "I'll have you notice I've got them working nights."Saturday Evening Post v^V » L 1 "What! you'vo sold your cow to Squeers. Don't you know that that swindler never pays?" "Ha! but I've go; even with him. I've charged him a sovereign too much!"— HEIRESS (signing her will)—lt's Just as well to take the precaution, as "only the good die younp," you know LAWYER—Ah. I always think that there's • mistake In that proverb. It should be "only the young dlj rood."—London Opinion. f c. , -■ I — FRIEND—Good heavens! man are you badly hurt? ' THE VICTIM—Can't say till I see my solicitor'—Sydney Bulletin. GENEROUS— - ;*- I "Once upon a time tiiere lived a good man who was soliciting con tributions for the erection of an orphan asylum," said the story tell er. "He had been to many rich peo ple and received liberal contribu tions, which were entered in a book he had for that purpose. Among these many names there appeared 'Mrs. Rupert Smythe.' The good man went to Mr. Smythe's ofllce and, showing him the contribution en tered by Mrs. Smythe, asked If he would not give a like sum. And what do you suppose he did?" ■ "Well, I suppose he doubled It," remarked a listener. "Doubled it! • Not Rupert!" ex claimed the teller of the story. "Why. he simply took his pen and wrote, 'Mr. and' before his wife's name and handed the book back."— Answers. UNKIND The young wife of the aged mil lionaire met the physician at the door as he came from her husband's bedside. "Oh, doctor," she sobbed, "c-can't you g-give me any h-hope?" "I'm afraid not, my dear madam," replied the gruff old M. D. "It Is true that your husband's age Is against him, but his remarkable vi tality Insures complete recovery."— Chicago News. ON INSTALLMENT Boile —The Blnkses must buy everything on the installment plan. Hammer — makes you think so? Boile —I heard Jimmy Binks ask his father whether their new baby would be taken away If they couldn't keep up the payments.— Exchange. ,v#f SHE—Did you tell that photographer you didn't want your plpture taken? HE— SHE—What did he say? HE—He said he didn't blame me. Pick-Me-lp. VENT GAME Mrs. Nicholas Longworth (ex- President Roosevelt's daughter), at a dinner in Cincinnati, told a quaint story about a precocious boy. "They are very precocious indeed," she said, "those little chaps from Eton or Rugby, with their round, sober faces and their quiet air. . "A very pretty American girl was talking one evening in London to one of these urchins. .'_,.'. " 'And have you got a sweetheart yet. Tommy?' she said, playfully. " 'No,' said Tommy. 'Still, I'm game enough for a bit of spooning, If that's what you're after.' "—Cin cinnati Star. =*= A CRUEL JOKE Miss Daisy Dimple found a love letter that her father had written to her mother in the halcyon days of their courtship. Daisy read the letter to her mother, substituting her own name and that of her sweetheart. Daisy's mother raved with anger and stamped her foot in disgust, and forbade her daughter to have any thing to do with a man who would write "such nonsensical stuff to a girl." ,/r.. Daisy then gave the letter to her mother to read. The house became so suddenly quiet that she could hear the flies walking across the ceiling.—Modern Society. =+= SCORED A FAILURE Goodman Gonrong—Didn't ye git a handout fr'm dat woman? Say mold StoreyNo; she looked sour at me. an' I couldn't stand de acid test.—Chicago Tribune. 29