Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel], April 17, 1910, Image 52

About Los Angeles herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1900-1911

Image provided by: University of California, Riverside; Riverside, CA

                
A Half Hour with the Humorists
t
Little Pleasantries Aimed at the Foibles of Human Nature
"* THE REAL AUTHORITY
"Are you going to take your motor car out to
day?"
"I don't know," answered Mr. Chugging*, in a
tone of slight embarrassment.
"If you do lake it out. where will you go?"
"I can't say positively."
"How long would it take you to get to Brigh
ton?"
"Look here, it's no use questioning me in that
manner. I'm only the proprietor of the car —not
'the chauffeur !"— AtUWtrt.
IN OLD LUXXON.
The Monument will bend to see,
The Bow Belli blithely ring,
And old Cheapaide will lilent be,
The gray fog will take wing:
The Temple will forget its years,
The Bank forget its frown,
The Mint and Bridge will shake with cheers
When Teddy conies to town !
— Cleveland Plain Dealer.
THE BURNING QUESTION
Vknus was rising from the sea.
"Great Jupiter!" cried the men, as they crowd
ed the beach. "How did you lose your arms?"
Rut the women never noticed the arms.
"In the name of all that is wonderful," they
chimed, "how do you keep your hair in curl in "
salt water?"— Judge.
XO TIME FOR HIS CHILDREN
"Do you know," said a lady to her husband,
"that for months now you have gone backwards
and forwards to the city every day and have never
seen anything of the children?"
"I don't ice how that can be helped," replied
the master of the house. "When I leave in the
morning they are not up, and when I come back
in the evening they are in bed."
"Yei," assented the wife, "that is so; but you
might at least send them a picture-postcard now
and then !" — Modern Society.
THE AUTO COURTSHIP.
"I thought you didn't care for him. What
won you ?"
"His language. He told me that his love for me
burned like gasoline, and begged me to honk-honk
through life with him." — Louisville Courier-
Journal.
THE BEST HE COULD DO
Disgusted Customer —I bought a currant bun
here yesterday, and found ■ fly in it. I want you
tn exchange the bun for another.
Confkctiokh —Can't do that, sir; but if you
bring me back the fly I'll give you a currant for
it.— Boston Transcript.
ALPHABETICAL
A capital golfer wa« G,
He drove from a capital T,
Ami the words he let fall
When addressing the hall,
All began with a capital D!
— Puck.
IT SOU.XDED HOPEFUL
A YOUNG man who was not particularly enter
taining was monopolizing the attention of a pretty
debutante with a lot of uninteresting conversa
tion.
"N Tow, my brother," he remarked, in the course
of a dissertation on his family, "is just the oppo
site of me in every respect. Do you know my
brother?"
"No," the debutante replied, demurely; "but I
should like to !" — London Opinion.
RKVKNOE.
Shareholder lr. rubber company (who him had a
narrow eacape from lu>ttiK run down by an auto)
—0o on! Wear your tlrel out! I hope ye
bust the whole lot:—Punch.
'-'■ •■'« ---'.' ■ ! - '
AT THE ZOO.
Mr. Stork—What funny things do we Been hers
In the 7.00, don't we, Maria" lllu»iratrd BIU.
* * *lj? T
THK "CIIAXTH I.KR" FASHION.
She—l want Rome poultry.
Shopwalker—Tor the head or for the table,
madam ?—London Uplnlon.
If v,^*'^ ■• -i tS^^w \ *r ILvfflifi I)
AI.l. CLEAR.
Student of Politics—And what be reely this
yere coalition they do be talking about?
Oldest Living Local Authority-Well, It'i llko
thla. Some parties say this, an' some says that
an* t'other. But what I says, there's no knowlns
nor no telllns, an I—mark1 —mark my words! I baln't
fur wrong.-rjudy.
DOMESTIC PLEASANTRIES
"Yes, she threatened to go home to mother."
"And how did you keep her from doing it?'
"I refused to button her gown for her." — Cour
ier-Journal.
"Wasn't it odd that our cat would not take to
our visitor, hut put his back up at her?"
"Not at all strange."
"Why not ?"
"Because the visitor had a mouse-colored suit
and had a lot of rats in her hair." — Baltimore
American.
At the height of their nightly quarrel the other
day Mrs. Blank choked hack a soh and said re
proachfully:
"I was reading one of your old letters to-day,
James, and you said in it that you would ratiier
live in endless torment with me than in bliss by
yourself."
"Well, I got my wish and I'm taking my medi
cine." — Chicago Record-H-erald.
Judge (*'« breach of promise suit) —When you
told your fiance to go to hades, did you not inn
sider that equivalent to breaking your engage
ment ?
Young Woman —No, your honor.
[udgi —Ah, then you intended to accompany
him there.— Boston Transcript.
Pluto —What's nil that loud laughter out pn
the Styx?
Tumbling Attendant — Oh, your majesty,
whatever shall we do? Some shades from New
York have taken Charon's boat away from him
and are joy-riding all up and down ! — Puck.
OPTIMIST VERSUS PESSIMIST
An Egyptian king; dreamed that all his teeth
hail fallen out. He sent for a soothsayer to jive
an interpretation of the dream. The man as
sumed a sad countenance, and assured his majesty
that the vision meant nothing less than the
mournful fact that all his relatives would die be
fore him. and that Ik- would he left to lament their
loss. The king was very angry, and commanded
that the unhappy soothsayer should he whipped.
The next prophet that was .summoned to his
majesty's presence wore a glad face. 'For your
dream, sire,' he said, "thank the gods! They
promise you length of days. You will live longer
than any of your relatives.' "
OF COURSE IT WAS HARD
Squeamish GUEST (of waiter places water be
fore him) —Waiter, are you sure this is boiled?
Waitkk—l am positive, sir.
Squeamish Gum (putting it to his lips) —
But it seems to taste pretty hard for distilled
water.
Waiter—That's because its hard-boiled dis
tilled water, sir.— Chicago News.
SUCH FOOLISH QUESTIONS
Mother—You were a long time in the conser
vatory with Mr. Willing last night, my child
What was going on?
Daughter—Did you ever sit in the conserva
tory with papa hefore you married him ?
Mother—l suppose I did.
Daughter—Well, mamma, it's the same old
world. — Life.
THE ONLY IV AY
"Do you believe," queried the fair widow, "that
universal peace will ever he established ?"
"Not unless people give up getting married,"
growled the old bachelor. — Puck.
I