Newspaper Page Text
The Beaufort Tribune.
VOL. II.?NO. 48. BEAUFORT, S. C., OCTOBER 18, 1876. $1.50 PER ANNUM. A Fragment. l Thore'e many a life chained down by cironxnBtanoe And tethered to a close and natrow scopo, 1 That wildly throbs impatient to advance, Aod sore to join its do&r desire and hopo; Yet brooding in the realms of hope's expanse, Falls do*n within its narrow beaten track, And wakes a' last from oat a lifelong tranoo To find in death oaoh hope turned empty back. 1 It is not only to the scro'l of fame, Nor to the eoulptur'd stone to honor raised, Is limited the noble deed and name ; Those, in thoir greatness known, the world has praised, , Bat many a life has been whose dying flame Has flickered dimly to a lowly end, Whcse noble deeds a deathless name might frame, Yet died, unknown, uuhonored, with no friend. There have been heroes more than battles mako, wuobo greatness uover reached a herald's card ; There have b. en martyrs, Dover at the stake, Who 6uffe:od martyrdom thro' lingering years ; As noiseless as the snow falls, flake by flake. And mol's unseen upon the rolling wave, 80 their pure lives in silent actions spake, Their virtues mute, weut down into the grave. The ills of life are manif .Id?they come Upon the richtoous and the bad the same. The rich and p<x>r alike must take their sum, For trouble Knows no station, oaate or name ; In life's grout camp, above the merry bum Of thoughtful life, steals in the solemn tone Of sorrow, testing his low muffled drum, And the tramping on, with rendering wai} and moan. Time cret ps upon us unawares, the years Like oc. an wavoi roll up and onward go. The burdens of the day, joys, hopes and fears, Move ever with a coaseless ebb and flow; Look back upon the rolling past, that rears Its waves in silent tempest, and behold! It tills tbo mind with many mitiglod fe^rs, Fours for the thm3s the future may behold. Anrt ? O ---? * ...... "on auu nuirow lor moaiM t Nay, rather for tho living drop a tear ! Thoir's in the moi-t oye, theirs the heart of load, Tbeir's tho drooping soul that needeth cheer, Then weep, >reop for the living, their'a the woe. The ill* < f l.fe arc end: d with the dead! They leave their aorrowa and their griefa belo v, Tae liviiij have life's fu uro to d-.oad ! We know the present and the bygone, too ; We know what wo have been and what we are ; But, oh ! that we the unborn future knew ! Wouid it the present'* sweet contentment mar ? Alas ! we know Dot. Death alone is irue ; But what shall fill the space that lies between ? We cannot say. wo may not catch the olew, < Or know our parts iu each succeeding scene 1 , THE TABLES TURNED. I A Temperance Story. One evening, not long since, a num ber of us, old ship masters, chanced to meot at a social supper, and after the oloth was removed wo went in for yarn Sinning. Among our number was ipt. Richard Nutter, and a tlner man, or a better sailor, never trod a deck. At len gth it camo his turn to tell a story, or, what we preferred?and what the rest of us had done?relate some incident of experience in bis own life. Well, boyH," he said, as he rejected the wine, which was at that moment passed to him for the tint time, " I will give you a bit of the early part of my ocean life, und it is a very important bit, too, for npon it I have built the whole of my subsequent manhood." We prepared to listen to Oaptain Nutter with the most perfect attention, for he was not only an old seaman, but one of the most successful commanders in our mercantile marine. We listened, and his story was as follows : " I was very young when I first entered on shipboard, aud at the age of fourteen I considered myBelf quite a sailor. Wheu I was eighteen I tras shipped on board an East Indianman, fur a long voyage. There wore six of us ou brard of about the same age, and we had about the same duties to perform, The ship?the old La ly Dunlap?was a large ono, and our crow was larce in 0 ? tioD, there being fifty two, all to d. We 'boys,' oh we wore called, messed together, and in all otber respects were separate from the rest of the crew, just as much ns the officers were. Oar cap- i tain was a noble hearted, honorable man, kind and generons, but yet very strict. Of course wo youngsters found plenty of occasion to find fault with him, and very often were his decisions arraigned 1 before our rnesn and decidedly condemned. In fact, we should havo reversed many of his judgments if we had had the power; but as he was the commander, and we only foremast hands?and l boys at that?ho had his own way, and the luminous decisions we came to were consequently of no avail, and lost to tho world. 44 Now wo lioys had learned, in the oonrse of onr travels, to drink grog as well as any sailors. Wo oonld toss off a glass of rum and water with as mnch grace as any one, and tfo claimed the right so to do, not only as a privilege, \ bnt as an honor to which a life upon the c ooean entitled ns. Bnt even in this re- L spect onr captain pretended to differ s from us. When we could get on shore c we would invariably indulge in our cups, and not infrequently would we 1 come off, or be brought off, in a state t anything bnt sober. I say 4 wo,' but c there was one of our number who could 1 not bo induced to touch a drop of any- t thing intoxicating. His namo was John Small, and ho belonged in one of the t baek towns of New Jersey. ^ 44 Now Jack Smnll not only refrained entirely fron drinking himself, but he i used sometimes to ask us to let the stuff t alono. He gave that job up, howover, 3 for we mado such sport of him that he t was glad to let us nloue. But our captain had sharp eyes, and it was not long t before ho begun to show Jack Small 1 favors which he did not show to us. He ? would often take Jack on shore with e him to spend the night, and such things as that, while wo were kept on board i tho ship. Of courso this created a sort r of euvy on our part, and it ended in a I decided ill will toward poor Jack. 1 44 Now, in truth, Jack was one of the ?. best fellows in tho world. Ho was kind, obligiug, honest, always willing to lend 8 a helping hand in ease of distress, and 3 as true a friend na ever lived?only he wonlll ti'f drilllr wifll n a fliaf \rraa oil f No?that wasn't all. Ho learned faster tlmn we did?ho wan a better sailor and 1 had lenrned more of navigation. Bnt this wo tried to lay to the captain's paying him the moat attention, though we knew better at the time, for we had the privihgeof learning just as much as we had a mind to. The truth of the matter was, we five loved the idea of Swung 'ilil salts' better than wo did anything else, and we spent more time in watching for opportunities to have a spree than wo did in learning to perfect on .-solves in the profession wo had chosi n. "It even got so, at length, that Jack Small was called upon to take the deck sometimes, when the officers were busy, and he used to work out the reckoning at noon as regularly as did the captain. Y? t Jack was in our mess, a d he was a constant eyesoro. Wo saw that he was roachiug rapidly ahead of us in every us-ful paiticular, and yet wo wouldn't open our eyes. We wore envious of his good fortune, as we called it, and used to seize every opportunity to tease and run him. But he never got angry in return. Ho sometimes would laugh at us, and at others ho would so feelingly chide us that wo would remain silent for awhile. "At length the idea entered our he ids that Jack should drink with us. We talked the matter over in the mess when Juck was absent, and we mutually pledged oaeli other that wo would made him drink at the first opportunity. After this determination was taken, we tr< ated Jack more kindly, and ho was happier than he had been for some time. wiich more wo laugueci auti jokou witu him in the mess, and ho in return helped 1 us in our navigation. Wo woro on our homeward bound passage, by the way i of Brazil, aud onr ship stopped at Rio Janeiro, whore wo were to remain a 1 wi ok or so. One pleasant moruiug we I six yonugsters received permission to ' go on shore and spend tho whole day; and accordingly wo rigged up in our ? best togs and were carried to tho land- 1 ing. 1 "Now was our chance, and wo put i our heads together to see how it should be done. Jack's very first desire, as 1 soon as ho got on shore, was to go up 1 and examine tho various things of inter- < est. in the city. He wanted to visit tho < churches and suoh like places, and to 1 please him we agreed to go with him, if ( he would go and take diuner with us. i Ho agreed to this at once, and wo < thonght wo had him sure. We planned < th?t after dinner was eaton wo would < have some light sweet wine 'brought on, 1 and that we would contrive to get rum i enough into what he drank tu upset < him, for nothing on earth could please < uti more than to get Jock Small drunk, i ui7d carry him on board in that Bhape^ 1 for then we fancied the captain's favoritism would bo at an end, and that ho would no longer look upon our rival with more preference than upon ourselves. We had tho matter all arranged, and in tho meantime we paid Jack all tho attention in onr power?so much so that he at length signified a willingness to go anywhere to please us, provided we would not go to any bad place. "Dinner time came, and a most capital dinuer wo had. We had selected one of the best hotels. The eatables were dispatched with becoming gusto, aud then the dishes were rem ved, and at a sign from mo the wine was brought on. "'Ah! what have you here?'asked Jack, betraying some uueasinoss at the appearance of the glasses and bottles. " ' Only a little new wine,' I replied, :?s carelessly as I could. ' Mere juice of the grape.' " ' But it's wine, nevertheless,' pnr .J I. - 3UCU UH, ( " It isn't wine,' cried Sam Pratt, who was one of the hardest nnts old : Neptnre ever cracked. 1 " No,' ohimed in Tim Black, another i of about tho same stamp. ' it's only u < little simple juice. Come, boys, fill up.' i "The glasses were accordingly tilled, 1 Sam Pratt performing that duty, and he 1 took good care that Jack's glass had a i good quantity of sweetened rnm in it. 1 "' No,' said Jaok, as the glass was ] moved toward him ; ' if you are going < to commence this, I will keep yon com- i pany with water while you remain order- 1 ly, but I will not tonoh wine.' . i " This was spoken very mildly, and i with a kind smile, but yet it was spoken i firmly, end we could see that our plan 1 was about being knocked in tho head. 1 iVe urged him to drink with hr?only >ne ghu-p, if no more. Wo told him low iunocent it was, and how happy hit* ocial glass would make us ; but we lould not move him. "'Then let him go I' cried Tim, who iad already drank some. In fact, all of is but Jack had drank moro or less luring the forenoon. * Let him go. Ye don't want the mean fellow to with IB !' " That's it,' added Bam. 'If he's oo good drink with his shipmates, po don't want him.' " ' You misunderstand me,' said Jack, n a tone of pain. 'lam not too good o drink with you, in the sense in which 'ou would take it. But I do not wish o drink at all.' " 'Too stingy?that's all,' said I, deermined to make him drink if I could. 3ut Jack looked at me so reproachfully is I said this that I wished I had not ipoken as I did. " 'If you wish to enjoy your wiuo, nessmates,'said Small, at the snmo time i6iug from hie chair, 'you oau do bo, rat I beg you will excuse me. I will my my sharo of tho espouses for the liuner.' " 'And for your share of the wine,' aid Tim, * for we've ordcrod it for rou.' " 'No,' returned Jack, 'I cauuot pay or any of tho wine'? " 'Mean!' cried two or threo at a >rcath. " 'No, uo, messmates, not mean. I vill pay for the wholo of the dinner? or every article you and I have had in ho house, save the wiuo.' "And as he spoke ho rung the bell. 3o asked tho waiter who entered what ho bill was for the company, without he wine, and after the amount had been itated, he took out his purse to pay it, vhen Sam Pratt, who was our acknowlalged leader, caught his arm. " ' No?not so,' said Sam. ' You shall lot pay for it, for wo will not eat at the ixpenso of one who will sneak out of a crape in this way. Wo want nothing noro to do with you uulossyou will take t glass of wino with us.' ' 'Very well,' Baid Jack; and as he ;poke I could seo that his lip quivered, ind that he dared not speak more. " Ho turned toward tho door then, rat before ho reached it Tim Black ran rad caught him, at the same time ex :laiming : " 'May I be blessed if you go off so, iny way. You've commeucod and now fou'vo get to stick it out.' 'This was the signal for us to comin nee again, and once more we tried to lrge Jack to drink tho wine; and when ve found that urging would not do we jommeuced to abuse and scoff. Wo aerated him of trying to Ktep over us on joara me snip, una oi nil otlier bad hingsof which wo cnn'.d think. Fur a *hih> tho poor fellow seemed iueliucil to et his auger get tho upper hands; but it length he cai mod himself and stepping jack to his chair, he sai?! : " ' Shipmates will you listen to mc for a moment ?" "Silence gave consent, and in a moment more ho resumed: "'Sinoo matters have como to this pass, I have resolved to tell you what [ had meaut to keep locked up iu my josom.' " Wo had always thought, from Tack's manner, that thero was Homering peculiar connected with his early ifo, and wo were nil ctteution in a moment. " ' My story is but a vory short one,' je continued, ' and I can tell it in a rery few words. From tho time of my earliest ohildhood I never knew what it was to have a happy home. My father tvai a drunkard 1 Once ho had been a good man and a good husband, but rum rninfxl fill liifl manlwrn/l nr?/l .1 ~ ~ I ftUMuuw/u uuu xiim.it? n ui uiu >f biin. I ean remember how cold and jheerless was the tlrst winter of my life to which my memory leads my mind. Wo had no fire?no food?no clothes? no j ny?110 nothing; nothing but misery iud woe I My poor mother used to jlbsp me to her bosom to keep me warm, iud once?once I remember?when her pery tears froze on my etieek! Oh I how ny mother prayed to God for her hus>aod; and I, who could bnt just prattle, earned to pray, too. And I used to see ;hat husband and father return to his nemo, and I remember how my poor not her cried aud trembled. " * When I grow oldor I had to go out ind beg for bread. All cold and shiverng I waded through the deep snow, with my clothes in tatters and my frcezug feet almost baro. And I saw other ihildren of my own age drossed warm tud oomfortable, and I knew they were nappy, for they laughed and sung as llioy bounded along toward sohool. moo Doys nad sober fathers. I knew ;hat their fathers were no better than mine had been once, for my mother had told roe how noble my own father conld t>e if the accnrsed demon rum wero not n his way; but the fatal power was upon dim, aud though he often promised, and diough he often tried, yet he could not jscapo. " 'Time passed on and I was eight rears old, and those eight years had L>oen years of euch sorrow and suffering ?s I pray God I may novor see another experience. At length, one cold morn irg in the doad of winter, my father was not at home. He had not been at iiome through the night. My mother n nt mo to the tavern to see if I could Hnd him. I had gone halt the way when [ saw something in the snow by the side df tho road. I stopped, and a shudder rau through me, for it looked like a Imman form. I wont np to it, and turned tho head over and brushed tho wow from the face. It was my father? mid he'was stiff aud cold! I laid my hand upon his pale brow, and it was like solid marble. Uo was dead 1* "Poor Jack stopped a moment and wiped his oyes. Not one of U8 spoke for we bad become too deeply moved. But be soon went on. " * I wont to the tavern and told the people thero what I had found, and the landlord sent two of his men to carry the frozen body of my father homo. Oh, HhipmateB, I cannot tell you how my poor mother wept and groaned. She sunk down upon her knees and clasped that icy corpse to her beating bosom, as though she could have given it life from the warmth of her own breast. She loved her husband through all his errors, aud her love was all powerful now. The two men went away and left the body still on tho floor. My mother whispered to me to come and kneel by her side. I did so. " My child," she said to mo, and tho big tears were yet rolling down her cheeks, " jou know what has caused all this. This man was onco as noble and happy and true as man can be, but, oh, seo how ho has been stricken down. Promise me, my child, oh, promise here, before God and your dead father, and your broken hearted mother, that you will never, nover, never touch a single drop of tho fatal poison iliat has wrought for us all this misery." Oh, shipmates, I did promise, then aud there, all that my mother asked, aud God knows that to this moment that promise has never been broken. My father was buried, and some good, kind neighbors helped us through the winter. When tho next spring enmo 1 could work, and I earned something for my mother. At length I found u chance to ship, and 1 did so, and every time I go lionio I have some money for my mother. Not for the wealth of tho whole world would I break the pledge I gave my mother and my God on that dark. Cv?Ul morning. Anil even liud 1 made no such pledge, I would not touch the fatal cup, for I know that I have a fond, dotiug mother who would bo mado minera:'lo by my dishonor, and I would rather die than to bring more Borrow upon her head. Perhaps you have no mothers; and, if you have, perhaps they do not look to you for support, for I know you too well to believe that either of you would over bring down a loving mother's gray hnirs in Borrow to tho grave. That is all, shipmates. Let me go now, and you may enjoy yourselves ulone, for I do not believe that you will again urge the wiuo cup upon me.' "As Jack thus spoke, he turned toward the door, but Tim Black stopped him. " 4 llold on, Jack,' cried Tim, wiping his eyos and starting up from his chair. ' You shan't go alone. I havo got a mother, and I love her as well as you lovo yours, and your mother shall not be happier than mine, for, by tho love I bear her, I here swear that alio shall never havo a drunken son. 1 will drink no more!' 444 Give uh your hand, Tim,' cried Sam Pratt. 4 I'll go with you.' 441 waited no more, but quickly starting from my chair I joined tho other two, and ero long tho whole five of us joined with Jack Small in his noble plan. 117., ?11.. .1 r? :-i- ?J * iiu unucu nil jii'u, luis. ilUU paju'r, mid made Jack draw up a pledge. Ho signed it first and we followed him, and when the deed was done I know we were far happier than wo had been before for yi ars. The wine upon the table was not touched, and the liquor we had drank during the forenoon was now all gone in its effect. "Toward evening we returned to tho ship. There was a frown upon the captain's brow as we came over the side, for ho had never known us to come off from a day's liberty sober. Bat when we had all come over tho side and reported ourselves to him his couuU nance changed. Ho could hardly give credit to tho evidenco of his own senses. " ' Look here, boys,' lie said, after he had examined us thoroughly, 'what does this mean ?' " ' Show him the paper,' whispered I. "Jack had our pledge, and without speaking ho hnuded it to the captain. He took it and read it, and his face charged its expression several times. At leDgtli I saw a tour start to his eye. " Boys,' ho said, as ho folded up tho paper, 4 let me keep this aud if you stick to your uoble resolution yon shall never want a friend while I live.' 44 We let tho captain koep tho paper, ard when ho had put it in his pocket he came and took us each in tnrn by the hand. Ho was nmch affected, and I knew that tho circumstances mado him happy. From that day our prospects brightened. Jaok Small no more had our envy, for he took hold and taught us in navigation, and we were proud ol him. On tho next voynge we all sis were rated as able seamen, and received fall wages, and wo left not that noble hearted captain until we left to become officers on board other ships. 44 Jack Small is now one of tho best masters in the world, ami I believe that the rest of our party are still living, honored ami respected men. Three year3 ego wo all met?the whole six of us?at tho Aetor House iu New York, and not one of us had broken that pledge which wo made in tho hotel nt Rio. Four of us were then oommaodors of good ships, one was a merchant in Now York, and the other was just going out ns American consul to one of the Italian cities on tho Mediter^inean. A farmer residing near Newcastle, Peui recently discovered a numbor ol boy a helping themselves in his orchard. He immediately uuloored a largo bulldog and set the brute after tho boys. The savage animnl caught one of the youths by tho throat, and iu a moment tore out tho boy's wind-pipe and sev ered his jugular vein, causing death in a very few minutes. An Ingenious Plea. A soldier, by tlie name of Bioliard Loo, was taken before the magistrates of Glasgow, Scotland, for playing cards during divine servioe. The acoonnt of it is thus given : Sergeaut commanded the soldiere at the church, and when the parson had read tko prayers ho took the text. Those who had n Bible took it out, but this soldier had neither Bible nor oommon prnyei book, but pulling out a pack of cards, ho spread them out before him. Ho looked lirst at one card and then at another. The sergeant saw him and said : " Richard, put up the cards; this is no place for them." never lluuu iuai, huiu ItlCUarU. "When the servico was over the constable took Richard a prisoner and brought him before the mayor. "Well, what have you brought the soldier here for ?" " For playing cards in churoh." " Well, soldier, what have you to say for yourself?" " Muoh sir, I hope." "Very good; if not, I will punish you more than ever man was punished." "I havo been," said tho soldier, " about six weeks on the march. I have no Bible or common prayer book; I have nothing but a pack of cards, and I hope to satisfy your worship of thepnrity of ray intentions." 1 Then spreading the cards before the mayor, lie Ix'guu with the ace. " When I see tho aco it reminds me that there is but one God. " When I see tho deuce it reminds mo of Father and Son. " When I see the three it reminds mo of Father, Son aud Holy Ghost. ' Wli ul see the four it reminds me of the four evangelists that preached? Matthew, Mark, Lrako and John. " When 1 Bee tho five it reminds me of the live wise virgins that trimmed tho lamps. There were ten, but five wi re wise and five were foolish and were sLut out. " When I see tho six it reminds me that in six days the Lord made heaven and earth. " When I see the seven it reminds me that on the seventh day God rested from tho great work Ho had made and hallowed it. " When I see the eight it reminds me of the eight righteous persons that were saved when God destroyed the world? viz.: Noah and his wife, his three sons and their wives. " When 1 see the nine it reminds me of the ten lepers that were cleansed by 1 our Savior. There were nine out of the ] t'-u who never returned thanks. 1 "Wheulseo the ton it reminds me i of tho Ten Commandments which God i banded dowu to Moses on the tables of stuuo. ' When I see tho king it reminds me o; tho great King of Heaven, which is , G al Almighty. " When I see tho queen it reminds me ' of tho t^ueeu of Sheba, who visited Solomon, for she was as wi-e a womau ] as ho was a man. Sho brought with her < fifty boys and titty girls, all dressed in 1 boys' apparel, for King Solomon to tell 1 winch wore boys and which were girls. King Solomon sent for water for them i to wash; tho girls washed to the elbows uud the boys to the wrists, so he told by \ thai." "Well," said the mayor, "you have given a description of all the cards in 1 the pack except one." " What is that ?" " Tho knave," said the mayor. i " I will give your honor a description i of that, too, if yon will not be angry." ; " 1 will not," Baid the mayor, "if you do not term me to bo tho knave." ] " Well," said the soldier, " the great- i est kuavo I know of is tho constable who i brought mo here." i " J don't know," said the mayor, "if he is tho greatest knave, but I know he is the greatest fool." < " When I oonnt how maDy spots in a i pack of cards I tine 365?as many as ' there are days in the year. " When I count the number of cards j iu a pack I find there are fifty-two?the j number of weeks in a year; and I find ; four suits?tho number of weeks in a UiUUtU, " I und there are twelve picture cards i iu n pack, ropresentiug the number of ' , months iu a year; and, on counting the i number of tricks, I find thirteen, the i number of weeks in a quarter. < , "So you see, sir, a pack of cards 1 servt s for a Bible, almanac and common ' . prayer book." 1 ; * i Ills Modest Wish. | Arent Schuyler, the brother of i ( Colonel Peter Schuyler, the first mayor < of Albany, bought a largo tract of land < m the vicinity of Newark, N. J., in i 1695. Ho soon after took up his resi- i denco hoie. Oyp day a slave who was i plowing turned up a greenish heavy ' stone. He took it to his master, who i sent it to England for nnalyzation. It I was found to contain eighty per cent. < of copper. The avenue to wealth was 1 | at once seized upon, and groat qnanti- ] ties of the orj were shinned to tho i , Bristol copper and brass works in Eng- I , land. Schuyler, wishing to reward the < ' lucky slave, told him to namo three things which he most desired, end < thoy should be given him. The innocent fellow asked, first, that he might < 1 remain with his master as long as he lived ; second, that ho might have all the tobacco he could smoke ; and third, i that he might have a dressing gown like i his master's, with big brass buttons. i "Oh, ask for something of value," said Schuyler. The negro hesitated a few i minutes, then added : " Dense givo mo a littlo more tobacco." Items of Interest. A Cincinnati swell told his tailor that lie wouldn't pay for " that last epilepsy." It was disoovered that ho meant " bad at." Now is the time for husking bees, rhe bee should be firmly seized byithe responsive end, and?well, you can depend upon the bee for further instruolions. A story is floating about in the papers to the effect that a large organization of beggars exists in New York city, presided over by a woman and having a treasurer and secretary, the latter being i beautiful mulatto girl. "You see,, said Unole Job, "my wife's a cur'ous woman. She scrimped, rnd saved, and almost starved all of us to get our parlor furnished nioe, and aow she won't let us go into it, and iftin't even had the window blinds of it upon for a month. She is a cur'ous trnman I" A Canadian sportsman declares that die speckled tront in Ontario have been killed by warm water. The woods have Depn out down, and the sun, shining up3n the water from morning till night, licats the streams. He asks the fanners to plant willow limbs along the water's nige to shade the brooks and give the .rout a chanoe?to be caught by anglers. A lady, in describing to an irreverent 3oy an ooourrenoe in which his father jgurcd, closed by remarking: " I am ;orry to say that the thing ended by four father losing his temper." " Did ather lose his temper ?" exclaimed the >oung scapegrace: "then I hope he'll lever And it again, for it was tho worst .emper 1 ever heard of." At a Ticliborne meeting held in Lonlou recently, Mr. Onilford Onslow said ie Lad addressed three hundred and Iffy-five publio meetings on the subect. Ho claimed that evidence bad oeen secured sinoe the trial whereby hey could trace Roger Tichborne s movements from the time he left Engaud to the moment he was recognised \v Lis mother. One day Bill had company to dine witl. lim, and his wife, wishing William to ippear well, quietly admonished him to 30 careful what he said. All went well ill Bill got his potatoes well mashed, Evlicn he said: "Dolly, parse the grease 1" "Why, William," said his wife, " you should call it gravy." "Wall," savs Bill, ' I guess if I get it on yonr tablesloth it would be grease." The ghests shouted. 'lhe following was oopied literally from an old tombstone in Scotland : Hero lies the body of Alexander M'Pheraon, Who was a very extraordinary person, Who was two yards lrgb in bis stocking feet, \tid kept bis accout6rments clean and neat, He was slow At the battio of Wateilco, Plump tbrongb 11.o gullet; it went in at bis tbroat, kud came out at tbe back of bis ooat. A fashionable season at the watering places is over, and when a couple of city ladies who lived in the rear of their dwelling all the summer meet on the 3t;eet they greet each other with: "Why, how tanned you are! When did you get back f" And they are just as happy, apparently, as if they had squandered a thousand dollars at Lxrog Branch and had not stained their faces with a certain preparation " with intent to deceive." An auctioneer relates the following : A year or more the auctioneer had for pale a lot of homeopathic medicines. All tho: e medicines were dumped into one pile and disposed of in one lot, there being various kinds of medicine in the mnsp. A boarding house keeper bonght tho lot, and some days after the parchase the auctioneer asked her: 44 What did you want with tbe that homeopathio medicine, Mrs. ?" Sho replied : "1 thought I could use it, and it was cheap, so I crushed it under the roller and then tilled my sugar bowls with it. The boarders seemed to like it, and especially when powdered over pies." A Mean Fellow. At the little village of Barnegat-on-tlielludson there was a ourions ending to it courtship. For over a year a man who is now the " managing director " of i land speculation hod been paying his addresses to the adopted daughter of an ild farmer who was formerly a well known commission merchant in New Ifork. The old gentleman treated him well, supposing that he wonld in time become his daughter's husband, and all went merry as a marriage belL The Lothario proposed to the girl, was accepted, and a day was set for the wedding. All the friends ot the family were, it course, deeply interested in the match, and soon the swift revolving wheels of time brought round what thould havo been the auspicious day. Hie guests had assembled, the feast was spread, and came the holy man who was to unite the twain in the golden ohain of wedlock. Then oamo the olimax. At the last moment the groom refused point blank to beoome the husband, alleginges the ODly cause of his infidelity that "he did not love the girl enough to make her his wife." This was outrageous enough under all the circumstances, but worse and more preposterous followed, for the man had the effrontery to tell the old and very infirm father that as he "was out of money" he would be greatly obliged if he might stay at the house for a week or two, and strangely enough his wish was granted and he accepted the old man's hospitality. Then he left, and the matter dropped. A stranger series of domestic peculiarities and a more sublime obeek liavd seldom been seen on the footstool.