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r. - - ufc PACIFIC COMMERCIAL ADVERTISER, SEPTEMBER 2, 1887. (I 1 "j. rot." Thomas N". Nichol, who never play.? cards nevertheless tella a atorj about card playic;?. A coterie of Lis acquaintances who were poker players bad a 3i;rht session in Chicago which closed m a contt over a jack pot con taining acme $2.". They had started their gwne on Saturday and on looking at their watches discovered that it wan nearly 5 o'clock on Sunday morning. One of the play ers suested, y way of penance, that whoever won the jick pot should take it to church that day and put it into the contribution box. Th winner was somewhat of a humorist lie put the ca.sh into an en velope, nwfced it 'J. Pot," and laid it on the contribution plate. On Monday moraing a woek later, happening to pack up a paper, he waa astonished to find in it a report of a ser mon delivered by the pastor of the church, in which a feeling allusion was made to tho fact that on the previous Sunday a kind stranger bad made a generous donation to the church. "I sincerely hope and trust," was the clergy man's lanjuae, "that if Mr. J. Pot is still in the city and intends to remain h';re he wiil make this hi permanent religious home." 2i'evr York Tribune. 8nator Sawyer Knows Good I'Jue Lands. Senator Philetua Sawyer is a very close buyer when he gets into the market to pur chase pine lands. Usually the man who h?11s to him does not know who the buyer is. A few summers ago Philetus was up in Oconto county Inspecting some pine, and wh'.-n he Rounded the owner a to the sale that indivi J ual, an old man with grizzly hair and whis kers, hauled out a newspaper containing a wood cut of Sawyer, looked at it closely and then at the stranger, and aul: "You be old Sawyer! f lamed if I haven't been looking for you for these three years. Tbi3 land ain't for sal. Pine that Sawyer wants is pine, and I 11 just keep this hero patch to hand dow u as a heirloom to my chil dren." No trade was made, and the price of pine land in that region rose immediately there after, something that does not take place very often in Wisconsin until after Sawyer has made his purchase. Chicago Herald. A Macage Softened. Omaha Man (meeting an old missionary friend) Well! Well! When did you return from Africa? Returned Evangelist I Utt shortly after you did, and. by the way, I was greatly en couraged by something I saw ju.t before Ktarting home. "Eh! What was that V "I saw the Zulu slayer of the young Prince Imperial weeping and ra ving over his wicked ness In killing the youth, and his people stated to me that he could not be comforted." "Yes, I told him that if he had taken the boy alive he could have got a big ransom.'' Omaha World. Ill Deserved Fame. Omaha Husband Well, I told you my friend De Grand was a wonderful man. Now what do you think of him ? Omaha Wife He's a fool. "Fool! Why he is one of the most famous scientists of the day." "He's a bom idiot." "How can you talk so?" "He thought this precious little treasure was a boy and she's most a month old." Omaha World. Dogmatic Philosophy. Layman So you believe in the infallibility of the pope, do you ? Churchman I think there is much in the doctrine that is commendable. I have noticed that many of the utterances of his holiness ogre with my own. Lowell Citizen. A Memory of Childhood. r? THE PALMISTRY OF OUR YOUTH. -Life. Foolishness of Safins. How Hilly are the wise people! A learned man, or woman, we can't tell which from the initials, says in a printed letter of advice to young parents: "On no account permit children to do at one time what you have forbidden them to do at another." Oh, come off! Then because you forbid your boy to take off his clothes when he goes to school, he mustn't take them off when ho goes to bod ! What ho, there! Headsman to th' task! Tia well; now bring on the next wise man. Burdette in Brooklyn Eagle. Take the Mint. Oh, Pattl, thy great fame eclipse, So mortal ever can ; We flock and worship thee upon The European plan. Come back and visit us agaiu, la all our want aud stiut; Ooe item JIarcus overlooked Come back and get the Mint. Sun Francisco Wasp. L.If In the Northwext. ' Dakotan Husband home, Mrs. Burgess? Mrs. Burgess No, but I expect he will be in a day or two. We're going to have a thaw, you know. Dakotan Where is John? Mrs. Burgess Over in that second snow drift yonder. I sent him on an errand two weeks ago, and that was all the far he got Poor man! I shouldn't wonder if he'd begun to get discouraged by this time. Tit Bits. Panic vs. Tonic. "Dad's kinder weak this mornm" 'n he want3 something that will act as a sort of panic." said Johnny Gubbins to the druggist, as he handed out the regulation half pint bottle. The druggist thought of the old man's unpaid account, and after tilling the bottle with theioorest brand of whisky he added a few drojis of croton oil, and the old man had a panic under his breast that doubled him up like a jack knife. Danville (N Y.) Breeze. IIet in the Market. Little Dot Mamma, was I ever a little baby like my doll? Omaha Mamma Why, of course, pet. "Did I go to sleep sometimes and bo awake sometimes f "Ye." "Guess you was glad when you found you had a baby what could open and shut it wb eye." Washington Critic. OUR BABY. . , riOL-aATrv-EI.7 DESCRIBED EY HX3 LITTL2 srSTXS. Our baby is a lder rare; O He's axful cuzzlzz, - O Axd well hi ? worth O pays the share Of work "i him I do. I hope he will surO. although 11k' i KO.uezed almost to death; It makes him U sometimes, I know. And takt-s away his breath. Our home is I since there came The an-el from above; lie"? so afreet lonO. His name Is Toot sey W.xt sey Lo ve. " ' ' f i lie makes our papa look And fel a lOder joy; I pray he never will iaelire 2Ba0e boy. When he's awake his eyes are blue; I Uft him when I can; He ll C 2 hO 4 12 Lift up when he's a man. II. C. Dodg in Goodall's Sun. The Wrong Man's Deal. It is Mr. Blunienthal's deal, and Mr. Cohen polishes his glasses hurriedly with a view to making a careful survey Of the shuffle. Mr. Blumenthal's friend, Mr. Dinkelstein, consid ers it an appropriate occasion for e remark: "Mister Cohen, I heart you vas acood chudeb of diamonds. Vill you gind!y look at dis chenuiue blue vite, seffen carat" 'Ox- guse rue," replies Mr. Cohen without remov ing hi? eyes from the pack, "I gitTa no atten tion to diamonds on Chakey Blumenthal's deal. I vas lookin' for glubs." New York Sun. The Unsatisfied Wail. Soon the t'rost will have taken Its grip from the earth, And the spring time awaken Birds, flowers and mirth; No more on the paving We ll drop with a thud; Instead, we'll be raving -Great Ctenar, what mud !" Eoston Budget. She Trusted the Lord. First Christian Lady Ise gwine terchutcb to tank de Laud dey ain't no mo' erf quakes. Ain't yo' gwine, too, my sister? Second Lady No, no, my sister, I no gwine ! Will you attend tie brick chutch? First Iady D-e brick chutch fo' tru', but don' yo' trus' de Iaud ? Second Lady I trus' de Laud, aw my sis ter, I trus' um, but I neber fool wid um. Life. A Colorable Case. ' immm mm The Widow (three years) Larmier Atti cus, I er intend to lighten my mourning after Lent, and I'm afraid your color is a little too dark for the er circumstances. So, if you know of another one of your race several shades lighter, I think you could get a place with poor dear Mrs. Lightfoot, who has just lost Mr. L. ; so we can all be nicely accommodated. Life. Unfnvorahle Conditions. Sitter (in position for photograph) By the way, what do you charge for photographs? Photographer Nine dollars the half dozen. Now let your eyes rest naturally on that sign, "Terms Cash," and look pleasant. New York Sun. . How to Treat a Kerosene Lamp. A country subscriber writes to ask "how to treat a kerosene lamp." It is the usual custom to treat a lamp to oil. Very few lamps, we believe, care for beer or whisky. New York Graphic. Their Ideas Were Identical. Mistress Bridget, I don't think it is proper for you to entertain men in the kitchen. Bridget Yez be roight, mum, but there wa? some one in the parlor already. Life. Fugitive Humor. A precocious youth, prompted by an un pleasant recollection of the last term, says that school teachers are like dogs: "They lick., your hands." This carries off the palm. Texas Sittings. Mr. Dusenbcrry (quite inebriated) My dear, I couldn't go down that toboggan slide. It would take my breath. Mrs. Dusenberry It wouldn't be a bad thing if it did. Phil adelphia Call. When a fire alarm is rung in Rome "the firemen draw an engine to the fire, while grooms lead the horses behind the engine." No wonder Nero had plenty of time to fiddle. Waterbury American. George Alfred Townsend admits that he "doesn't know everything." Thus h? shattered another popular belief. Are all of our deepest seated convictions nothing more than popular fallacies? Chicago Times. A woman at Wolf Pit, N. C, who got an gry with her husband, threw a poker at him and hit the baby. And this in a section where the women can practice at hens all winter! Burlington (Vt.) Free Press. The funeral of a New York alderman, the other day, cost the city $1,043.25. But New York's experience with her aldermen has shown hr that it is far cheaper to bury them, even at that price, than to keep 'em alive. Chicago Times. iJennis wa the pride of his corps, He a ry tine uniform worps, lie would play at bezique. And with infinite chique At t he canteen would run up a scorps. New York Journal. Talmnge said in his lecture the other night that '-the man who can sing and won't sing should be sent to Sing Sing." That would be too severe. It is the man who can't sing and will sin who should be sent to Sing Sing. P. S. For ninetv-nine years. Norristown Herald. "I b'long to an Improved Order of Red Men, and I'm going to paint this town a crimson hue lefore I get through, you bet!" remarked a hilarious individual to a blue coated guardian of the night in the vicinity of Boylston market the other day. "All right," replied the man with the billy. T lie long to the 'locus't club;' you come along with me and I'li propose you for member ship." After a little persuasion (?) the red man wa e-corted to the lodge in La Grange street. Boston Budget. NEW GOODS! NEW GOODS! B. P. EHLEBS & CO. 99 Fort Street, Have just opened a new consignment of ISTEW and SEASONABLE GOODS, SETInspeetion Invited.., If you want a fine CIGAR, try some of Straiton A. Storing, which have just arrived at HOLLISTER & CO.S, 109 Fort Street. 73 EE. F. Mclntyre & Bro., IMPORTKRS AND DEAL K KM IX Groceries Pro visions and Feed EAST tOKNER FORT AND KINO STREETS. New uooda received by every nacnet from the Eastern Htases and Europe, afresh California Produce by every steamer. All orders faithfully attended to. and Ooo! delivered to any part of the city free of charg. Inland orders solicited. Satisfaction guarauteed. Postotnce Box No. 143 Telephone No. 92 0 aplT 1876. GEO. W. LINCOLN. 1886. BUILDER. 75 and 77 Kinp- Street, Bell Telephone No. 275. 65 - Honolulu Mutual Telephone Xo. 05. W. S LUCE, WlISrK A iNTD SPIEIT MERCHANT, CAMPBELL FIRE-PROOF BLOCK. MERCHANT ST., HONOLULU. Has just received from Europe per "Hercules, 200 Cases Guiiiess Extra Stout, Bottled by M. B. FOSTER A SONS. ALSO FINE ASSORTMENT OF HOCK jSTD CLAEET. These Winea'were especially selected for W. S. Luce, and are far superior to any ever before imported into this market. THE FINEST ASSORTED STOCK OF CHAMPAGNES, ALES, WINES, ETC. ALWAYS ON HAND. D"Special attention drawn to the celebrated Wines MALMSEY, MADEIRA (Dry and Medium), WHITE PORT, SHERRY, etc. Eum Punch the Latest Novelty. 578aprl3tfdw W.' C. PEACOCK & CO. Wholesale Wine and Spirit Merchants, 2S M l'ASr STREET, UONOLtLU, II. I. Have just received ex CERASTES, HERCULES and other Jate arrivals direct from Europe, G. H. Mumm's "Extra Dry" Champagne, do do "Dry Verzenay" Champagne. Id Pints ani Quarts. in?T nTTiniO Utt T7 T1TT AJrr nTM In large clear crystal bottlea, 5 gallons per case. CASES J. D. K. & Z. GIN Each 20 bottles. 4 4-5 gallons. J. J. Pellisson's 10-year-old Brandy And a full assortment of the mo9t favorite brands of VLES, WINES AND LIQUORS, P. O. BOX 502. Which are offered for sale at lowest rates. 7S4aulltf TELEPHONES No. 46. LEWIS & CO., Ill Fort Street. Iiiorter nn1 Henlert lu ! Staple and Fancy Groceries :o:- FRESH GOODS Pv every htoamer from California, anl always on hand, a full and complete line of Provisions, JCtcs Etc. dl Satisfaction guaranteed. Telephone So. 240. P. 0. Ecx No. 2S. PACIFIC HARDWARE CO, lAi, tbami rnvrr n rc 1 Jl UlNM UitflMlD 1 u: IN" IC "W" GOODS Ju.t Received. IB, KV..--!t .-it " 1 ft f COCOKD LAMP ATTACHMENT A Kerosene Oil Stove Which can he u.-ed on a n niiiin Iamp-hurner. ATEW LAMP GOODS At very low prices. Latest Improved Burners. A fine line of , GLASSWARE I .. .. . . Entirely new to this market. gjCT'Ca.M and examine our novelties. t; M 42 and 44 Queeu St.. HONOLULU. i!cCHESjStE & SONS, 4: Clay Street, SAN FRANCISCO, CAL. Si Importers and Wholesale Grocers. A FULL LINE OF STAPLE AND FANCY GROCERIES. COFFEES, TEAS AISTD SPICES. Plantation Stores, Salmon. Peef, Pork, Flour. Eeans, Pread, etc. Fresh arrivals by every steamer and sailing vessel. Special inducement offered to Portuguese Traders, in a variety of Fresh Goods especially suited to their wants. HIGIIF.ST CASH PRICE PAID FOR Dry and Greeir Hides and- Goat Skins LARGEST ASSORTED STOCK OF GROCERIES ON THE IST-ANP. n 42 aud 44 Queeu Street, Jfoiioliilu. &-mj?l y JOHN x O TT - 5 J, Lf-t: ' ' r r 7 vs. ..T i Stoves, Ranges and Honsekee)in?; foods. Plumbing, Tin, Copper and Sheet Jrou rr NOW READY. 1887. Fourth Year of PuhHeation. 1887- THE HONXlUXCJ ALMANAC AND DIBECTOEYI For the Year of Our Lord 1SS7, Containing an c w iV- i Astronomical, Civil & Ecclesiastical Calend'r f . FOR THE YEAR AN. Official and Business Directory of Honolulu i i! TOOKTOEH WITH Full Statistical and General Information - ! RELATING TO THE HAW'N ISLANDS, Great pain9 and expense have been gone to by the Publishers to -1 make this Almanac and Directory the meet useful and comprehen- - sive work of the kind ever published in the Hawaiian Kingdom. ! will be found invaluable to men of business, travelers and" tonris ; and is guaranteed a wide circulation at Home and in Foreign Conu- ?) tries. Its Court and Official Calendar carefully corrected to the latest l moment. i Articles of special value to the Islands have neen prepared by ex- jj pert writers, which are well calculated to beet great interest io jj their condition aw i prospect abroad. ' 1 i 1 Send in your orders for copies early. j itement to tluit effect for you to Sole Agent Hawaiian Islands. 1 li.