Newspaper Page Text
PACIFIC COMMERCIAL ADVERTISER, SEPTEMBER 12, 1887.
THE ,fFir BUSINESS. An Explanation. 3x" Sltotrtomtnts. HOW DUBLIN PETE" GETS A LIVING FROM THE SYMPATHETIC. PACIFIC HABDWABE CO., L'd, NEW OOODS! NEW GOODS! .m - 3 3 OI read' I In fe "What are you doing up there?" "If NotLinjI Only hanging up per.rs that have fallen down. Fiiogcnde BleUer. Gen. Grant mid tlie Interv'ewer. Geu. Grant had a cirong aversion to being1 interviewed, in the newspaper sense of the word. An incident occurred in Syracuse du;i:iff tlio presidential campaign of 1CC0 vrbicli first revealed to the writer the genial side of Grant's nature. Tin ex-'resident and Senator Conkling wen .inst hrin.ing to a do thtir famous seri 's of campaign meet ings for G '.rlie!d and Arthur. A correspond ent who hs.d acv,:npaui.'d them on their tour through th.s stuto ventured to able 11 r. Conkliug in Geu. Grunt's presence for hU opinion as to Garfield's chances of carrying Now York. "With aggravating sarcasm Mr. Conkling begged to be excused f : orn "making guesses fcr the delectation of the general public." Oen. Grant looked at Mr. Coukliug steadily for a few seconds and then re marked to tho correspondent in a half apolo getic tone, "The senator d63 not seem to have his guessing cap on this morning. I, Low aver, do not object to hazarding a guess or two on the result of thid campaign. I guess that this state will go for Garfield and Ar thur by a good handsome majority. And (with a mischievous side glance at Conkling) you may also say that I guess that Senator Conkling guesses so to." New York Times. A Case of Short Haul. A seedy looking man got aboard a Chicago and Northwestern train at Racine the other day. The train was about two miles out of Racine when the conductor came up and asked him for his ticket. uAin't got any, but I'm a railroad man ray self." "Where do you want to go toP "Chicago." aTVell," said the good natured conductor, reaching for the bell rope, "I'll do the best I can for you." "Thanks, thanks. We railroad men should stand together." "Yes. We have a heavy train to-day, and this is a down grade along here. I think the train will run about 1,500 feet before it comes to a stop. I'll carry you that far with pleasure." A minute or two later the seedy looking man was jumping oil hi to the snow." "You're very kind," he said, "to carry me even this far. But seein's we're both rail road men, you know, couldn't you change your mind and take me further?" "Sorry I can't oblige you," replied the con ductor, waving a "go ahead" signal to the engineer, "but the fact is, that we have to be very particular since congress has got to passing lawn governing railroads. Under the law the most I can do for you is to give you a short haul Good day." And the train puffed on in the direction of Chicago. Chicago Herald. The Application of the Kule. Some time since the wife of a prominent citizen of New York city was trying to instill in tho mind of her 5-year-old son what it meant to be generous, thus: "Now, Willie, dear, suppose mamma should give you a cake and tell you to give part of it to Harry, and when jtou divided it one piece was larger than the other; if you gave it to him that would be generons, but if you kept it for yourself that would be selfish. Do you understand it?" The little fellow thought he did. The next afternoon, wishing to test the ef fect of her teaching, she gave Willie a large, juicy orange, saying: "Now, Willie, take this orange and divide it generously with Harry." When, to her surprise, the child (who was passionately fond of oranges) gave it back to her, saying, with a roguish twinkle in his bonny blue eye: "Here, mamma! won't you please give it to Harry and tell him to divide it generously with me." Judge. He Loolced the Part Wall. Young Man (to western young lady) Yaas, Vbx a member of the Ilaro and Hounds p.'u'j, yTcnow. At last, meet I was one of tho bares. Western Young Lady What do you mean by bare, Ur. Sissy! YoUTig llau Thy are called rabbits in this country, I believe. Wobtera young Lady Ob, yes, thvo "tveet little animals with such long ears. Hew nico' Harper's Bazar. Strength, Perhaps, but No Inclination. The old bachelor should remember ..Iriv is ono thiiJg ho cannot do a lone; he caunot hiss himself. Wit and Humor. Wc do.i'L k::ow so well about that. Tho man must bo.b idly broken down phyeially who hadn't strength enough left to smock his own lips. ilemphis Avalanche. A Want of Politeness. Sarah Jane Well, Aunt Crusor, did you iiav a nice time at tho BowlersT' Aunt Cruzer Nice timo! Well, it's the last time I sot foot in th it house. Why, when I come to go, they didn't even say, what's me hurry. Harper's Bazar. At the Grand Central Depot. Driver Hansom 1 Statue of Liberty Visitor (from Elmira) WaaL I dunno If yer'd taka a little 'r that air paint oP 'yer bugle yer might pass in a craowd. Tid Bits. By All Meai. Ring out, wild bells, the chestnut crew. The feeble quip, the ancient pun, The jokes well known to er'ry one. IUnjr out the old! Ring in the new. Rambtor. An Epileptlo Fit at a Minute's Notice, Taking: Up a Collection from a Tendet Hearted Crowd The Business Growing Dull. "Do you see that fellow standing over there reading said a bartender in a down town saloon t he other night. The man alluded to wa? standing with his back against the wall with the paptT so held up as to screen his face from view. He was of ordinary size, with nothing about hioi to attract attention. ".hat man has the most peculiar and novel way of making a living of any other man in the United States. Hi? name, as near as any body has ever been able to learn, is 'Pete.1 People thrit are familiar with hitn have dubbed him 'Dublin Pete.' That's the town in Ireland he hails from. He makes a good living by having fits." "Having fitsf' "Yes, sir, having fits. I don't wonder you are surprised, but it is nevertheless a fact. That lhan can take a fit so naturally at a minute's notice that no doctor intheci y of New York would ever doubt but that it was a real epileptic fie." "Ob, it is not u real fit, thenf "Certainly not. It only looks like one; but it's a daisy." "How does he make it pay?" "Well, he can tell you that better than I could possibly explain it to you. Hey, Petel" The newspaper whi h the man hud been reading was dropjed from before his face. It certainly was a tough looking countenance. His head sunk down between his shoulder bludt'S, like the head "f a vulture, nnd was bent forward in the same way. His under jaw was longer than the upper one. mid gave "in the npp craoce oi' a buiidog with under teth showjii". His little black eyes were over.diadoj.ved by a buliri"g- foreheal, and op ji kieu -jf a. snake. To make his face mill more hideous, his unper jaw was totally devu.d of teeth. Whenever he smiled Lii meww. ioo'.ic i as thou-u ii ".vuh filled with rel flannel. 'D'you twitter tor me, ally?" asked Pete, as he bent his head still further forward, stuc k tho upturned c'garette he was smoking in the corner of his mouth," and moved his head from side to si'de, in the Bowery manner. "Yes, come here and let me introduce you to a friend of mine. He wants to talk with rou." "Dublin Pete" laid the newspaper on a chair, and sw3fcrered over'like an old Csoiith iSea whaler. There was a broad grin on uia face. Shrewd wrinklts shot from tho cornel's of his eyes like the rays of a setting sun, and his mouth assumed the shape of the moon in its first quarter, the corners trying to see how near they could come to each eye. The cigarette adhered to (he corner of his upper lip and worked up and down at every motion of his head. "Proud ter know yer, young feller." "How much did you make to-day, Pete?" asked tho bartender. - "Well, ter tell yer de trute, Billy, I never fought ter count up. I 'spose I raked in 'bout four ds. Less see, answered the man who has epileptic fits for a living, as he screwed one side of his face into a hideous distortion and scratched the other side with his index finger, as if trying to call something into recollection. "When I come to on de Jersey ferryboat de guys tuk up a c'lection fer me of one d and fifty c. Den wen I dropped on de iloor of de Annex I scooped er raser. Dat bloke on Whitehall street gim me feed an' twenty-five c. Yes, dat's about wat went inter me kick since inarnin. Ah, de business is gettin' dull 1 Folks is drpppin' outer me game." Pete looked as though thoroughly dis couraged at the dullness of trade. "How did you make the money?" he was asked. 'How does I make it, hey?" and " Dublin Pete" winked at the bartender, gave a little chuckle, and said "Fits. Yes, .sir, I'm de head of de prof e sh in de fit business. How do I do it? Well, I jes' gets onto a ferry boat where dere's a gang uv women, an' when everything's quiet like an' be boat's in de middle of de river I makes out like I'm goin' out on de front end of de boat, and when I gits in tho middle of de floor I drops down in a fit. Whisky's brought an' poured down me troat, an when I comes to I alius tells dem it's cause I ain't eat nawthin' all day. Den dey takes up a c'lection fer me. Now you've got de whole racket." "Are there any other men who earn money by having fits?" "Is dey? Well, I should snicker. Dere's six cr dem in dis city; but none er dem's got de snap down fine but me. I'm de boss on fits. All er dem uses soap fer ter make de foam come in der mouth. I don't. I makes de genewine foam. No soap suds in mine. Nixey." Pete turned his back to the bar, put his thumbs in his suspenders and assumed an air of superiority. "Don't you ever get spotted by people who may have seen you lefore?" "Well, I should giggle." He didn't giggle though, but edified the re porter with one of his red flannel smiles. Pete then related in his rough vernacular an experience he had in going down one day to Coney Island on board an excursion boat. He began to sing, but finding no money in his voiee he fell to the deck in a fit. The steward, who had evidently seen him be fore, administered a tumblerf ul of salt water und mustard, width mutlo him succumb. "Wait a minute," said the bartender, as the journalist was aboul taking his leave, "and i'il heU tho door and a-li Pete to show you how he has fits." Accordingly the door was locked aud Pete swaggered to the center of the room, remark ing: 'I'll give it to you mild, so holler when you've got a dose." JSeniveiy -bad ho concluded whsn his form bir;:u;e l iu id except his head, whuh turned from si.io to hide, his eyvbaJis robing unlii at Ji;:-s only thj whites wero visible. Suddenly, with an uueanuiy. Vvli, he feil to tho floor, an 1 wu-t api'tut'i..; to his head struck with a crash. lie lacked aud gapped ana wriggled in a pitiful manner, actually flowing at the mouth. After a cry of "Enough T'luom the reporter, he slowly opened his eyes and looked around in a dazed .vaj, spoke a few words at random apijurentiy and .said: "How's dat? Ain't it a daisy?" The reporter admitted it. "But didn't you hurt your head?" "Ah, dut wusn't me head dat wus me shoulder blades." "When did you first begin the fit business?" "I learned do whole biziu the protec., where I was jugged when I w us a kid. Tunes ia Eitiiu' played out 'round here. I'm goin' ter 'Frisco nex' mouth, where depeop. ain't never heard of de fake. But it's time ter me ter go up in front of de t'eatro au? have a fit. Ta-ta." And the professional fit taker swaggered out of a side door. Xew York Evening Sun. P. P. C. cards are the only one3 it is uni versally considered permissible to send by post. . B. P. EHLEES & CO. 99 Fort Strdet, Have just opened a new consignment of N"EW and SEASONABLE GOODS, lDC7Inspection Invited. -JfW CIGARS If you want a fine CIGAR, try some arrived at HOLLISTEE & CO.S, 109 Fort 73 1. K. Alclntvro fc 13ro. IMPORTERS AND DEALKHH IN iroceries? Provisions and. Feed EAST CORNER FORT AND KING STREETS. New Ooorta received by evry pac&et from the Eastern States and Europe, resh Callforni Produce by every creamer. All order faithfully attended to, and CJooda delivered to any part of th :Ity free of charge. Island orders solicited. Satisfaction guaranteed. Postofflce Box No. 14.' Hephone No. 2 - 6apl7 1876. GEO. W. BUILDER. 75 and 77 Kinp- Street, - - - - Honolulu Bell Telephone No. 273. WINS & SPIRIT MERCHANT - mm v Sole Agent of the Hawaiian Islands for JOS. SCHLITZ' MILWAUKEE BEER. J. ttoliclaiut 25rewimj (Jo., SAN FRANCISCO. NATIONAL. BREWING SAN FRANCISCO. X v . EM t X'X. Xx WV S. LACHMAN & COS CALIFORNIA WINES. A. FENXHAUSE2? & CO., WHISKIES, &c, S Delmonieo and Veuve Cliquot Champagnes. W. C. PEACOCK & CO. Wholesale Wine and' Spirit Merchants, 2 JflT'ASr STREET, HON OLIJI.I7, H. I. Have just received ex CERASTES. HERCULES and other late arrivals direct from Europe, Gr. H. Mumm's "Extra Dry" Champagne, do do "Dry Verzenay" Champagne. In Pints Wt 1? In large clear crystal bottles, 5 gallons per caie. CASES J. D. K. & Z. GIN Each 20 bottle. J. J. Pellisson's And a full assortment of ALES, WINES P O. BOX 502. LEWIS & CJO., Ill Fort StreeU-Importers and Dealers In Staple and. Fancy Groceries, FRESH GOODS By every steamer from California, and always on hand, a full and complete lino of Provisions, Etc. Etc. 61 Satisfaction guaranteed. Telephone No. 240. P. O. Box No 397. of Straiton & Storm's, which have jus Street, LINCOLN. 1886. 66 Bf atnal Telephone 9fo. 65. CAMPBELL'S FIRE-PROOF BLOCK, Merchant Street, Honolulu. KEEPS TOE Finest anil Best Assorted Stock IN THE MARKET. Respectfully solicits patron age and guarantees com ete satisfactioa to all. W o CO., and Quarts. 4 4 5 gallons. 10 - year - old Brandy the most favorite brands of AND LIQUOES, Vv. xx. ) fv Sv Pi "Which are offered for sale at lowest rates. 784auRlltf TELFPTI0XE8 No. 48. :o:- TT) i T1 TA1S t- - - i' v IB?' 3 -N ' :- . y M. W. MeCHESNEY & SONS, 42 and U Queen St- HONOLULU. Importers and Wholesale Grocers. A FULL LINE OF STAPLE AND FANCY GROCERIES, COFFEES, TEAS JJSJD SPICES. Plantation Stores, Salmon, Beef, Pork, Flour. Beans, JSread, etc. Fresh arrivals by every eteamer and Failing veeeel. Fpecial inducements offered to Portuguese Traders, in a variety of Fresh G'oods especially suited to their wants. HIGHEST CASH Dry and Green Hides and Goat Slrins LARGEST ASSORTED STOCK OF GROCERIES ON THE ISLAND. IIY axicL 42 uuil 44 Queen tJ O THE N" Stoves, Ranges and Plumbing, Tin, Copper I0W EEADY. 1887. Fourth Year of Publication. 1887. TELE jHOISTOIXJEU ALMANAC AND DIBECTORY ! For tho Year of Our Lord 1887, Containing an Astronomical, Civil & Ecclesiastic'l Calend'r FOR THE TEAR AN - Official and Business Directory of Honolulu TOGETHER WITH Full Statistical and General Intormation RELATING TO THE HAWN ISLANDS, Great pains and expense have been gone to by the Publishers to make this Almanac and Directory the most useful and comprehen sive work of the kind ever published in the Hawaiian Kingdom It will be found invaluable to men of business, travelers and turiss and is guaranteed a wide circulation at Home and in Foreign Coun tries. Its Court and Official Calendar carefully corrected to tho latest moment. Articles of special value to the Islands hnve oeen prepared by ox pert writers, which are. well calculated to beget great interest in their condition aai prospect abroad. Send in your orders for copies early. T m ri a 1STJEW GOODS Just Keceivcd. COKCORD LAMP ATTACHMENT A Kerosene Oil Stove Which can be used on :i common lamp-burner. NEW LAMP GOODS At very low prices. Latest Improved Burners. A fine line of GLASSWAEE Entirely new to this market. 25TTall and examine our novelties. 43 Clay Street, SAN FKANCISCO, CAL. PRICE PAID FOR GRAIN . Street, Ilouolulu. 63-tay22-ly 1ST O TT, Housekeeping Gods. and Sheet Iron VorJ; wilMfm: .:Vl-: i!';4 U r A. 4- 9 I J i Hi .1 ! i,. ; i