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PACIFIC COMMERCIAL "ADVERTISER, JANUARY ' 11, 1888.
tin fs. An Iowa Idyl. A man may chin And a man may work 'v. For the temperance cause all day; But he can't go a fishin And observe prohibition Eecause he ain't built that war. "Jef. Joslyn" in St. Paul Herald. ii' A Keason Found at Last. mm few; Husband Ready for the opera, are you? Well, that hat would scare the devil! Wife (sweetly) That's the reason why I wear it, my dear. Si THE QUEEN OF HAWAII. Daughter of brown chiefs from over the seas, KapioLani ! Tawny cheeked queen of the soft Polynese, . "Who eat of the taro and live at their ease; Hailad good day to your majesty, please, Kapiolani ! Sprung from the strain of many a chief Who paddled and swam by the coral reef, Hail, for the Yankees hold thee lief, Kapiolani? How fares thy glorious consort, King Dave, K&piojani? Big Is the throat of Oahu's big brave, Big be the flask his grief which shall lave, He will drink to your health while you're over the wave, Kapiolani ! Let dark Kalakaua for sorrow carouse, Kapiolani! Let him bind the dank cloth of remorse on his brows; The head it is his, but the wisdom's his frau's; Did it chance that in 'Frisco you met with King Claus, Kapiolani 1 Thou comest from slopes of old Mauna Kea, Kapiolani ! From fire hearted Mauna Loa sheer. From craters that fill the island with fear. From reefs where the surf foams up like beer, Kapiolani I With all kindly words of tl voice and the pen, Kapiolani ! We bid you l)e welcome and welcome again. Sweet bread fruit of royalty. Pacific's pearl, when Will you come to this town and see the Sandwich men, Kapiolani? Hawaii's bright daughter, touch hand and hand, Kapiolani! Blithe be your journeys in this Yankee land; Soft shine the noonday test you be tanned, Soft skip the zephyrs that you may be fanned; You're fond of ice cream? You'll find America grand, Oh, Kapiolani! New York Sun. - ometning wrong: An old farmer living near Chambersburg, Pa., wa3 telling a member of the Sixth Michigan cavalry how he took the invasion of the state by Lee's army. Said he: "We'd gone to bed and I heard our dog bark. Says I to the old woman, says I, there's Bomebody moving around or that dog wouldn't bark that way. Go to sleep, you old fool! says the old woman. Says I, I won't do it! I tell ye, a critter or somethin' or other has got into the garden, or that dog wouldn't keep up his barking. Wall, he barked and barked, and I finally went to sleep and left him barking. I 'spected the brindled cow would get in and eat all the cabbages up, but I was sort o' mad at the old woman and didn't keen I woke up about 6 in the morning and that dog was barking yet." - "What atr "That's what I wanted to know. I knowed it must be suthin' or other, and I went out to see. "Well, what was itr "Jist about 35,000 rebels had bin stringin' along past the house during the night, and that's what ailed Bose. I knowed that dog bad his eyes on critters or somebody.'' Detroit Free Press. fM An Unsuccessful Day's Sport. "Young Sportsman (to farmer, from whom be hired a gun and a dog for a day's shooting) I've lost the dog. Farmer The dog came home four hours ago. What's the matter? Young Sportsman Why, I fired eight times at a dnck, which proved to be a decoy duck, without hitting it, and then the dog howled and started 'cross" country. He's no good, Mr. Hayseed, and that gun kicks like thunder. farmer I should think it would kick like thunder. Then Farmer Hayseed went around to the back yard, where the dog was gnawing an indigestible bone, and gave him a pat on the bead and a couple of French chops. A Kansas Mayoress. The mayoress of a northern Kansas town, who was elected under the new woman suf frage law last week, came down to her office the other day with a. Mother Hubbard on, and as she sat cross legged in the major's chair the city clerk noticed that she had a hole in the heel of her stocking and that her bustle was to one side. He reported the fact to his wife, his wife told the hired girl, the hired girl told her fellow, her fellow told the city marshal, the city marshal told the mayoress, whereuDon the city clerk got fired and the town is scandalized. The mayoress eaid she would wear her bustle in front, be Lind or sideways, and it was nobody's busi ness. It is needless to say that the fair mayoress is red headed. Wichita Eagle. A Smart Witness. Lawyer Sidney Jones was cross question ing a colored female witness in the superior court of Albany, Monday, and after the wit ness had stood his questions until she became restive under the strain she convulsed the court room for a minute by addressing the inquisitive lawyer as follows: "Lookaheah, white-rmn you needn't keep on axin' me so many qu estions over an' over 'bout the same thing y f a"1'4 a S'in& to catch me in no lie." AlbFJiy (Ga.) News. tlr Craft In Danger. A well knowrtsil merchant was in a bad humor one Monday morning. A friend said to him: "Charley,;! am afraid the preaching yesterday did not d( you much good." It did not," was the answer. "My pastor preached against te follies of fashionable dress, and most of tribadies of his congrega tion are my customer" vry otX13 HIS DEPTH OF WOE. Och, Kittie, I love ye, an' faith I can't mend it Yer Iirs are so rosv. yer eT es are so blue; With a smile tpat's so roguish the saints all de fend it: That if I am ravin', the fault is wid you. Ye chide me an' frown, yet meself it is thinkln More anjrry ye"d be wid me were I to go; Sure, Kittie, me heart like a stone would be sinkin If I thought that wid more than yer lips ye said no. Thin out on ye foolin me darlin nor taze me; But end this suspinse if ye value me life In coorse there is many another could plaze me. An' make, like yerself, me a true, lovin' wife. Don't flash wid yer two eyes, I didn't quite mane it Though the truth 'tis the same, an' the devil say no Thin come to my arrums och, must I explain it? Me socks are all out at the heel an' the toe. There's the' -pig, the poor darlin', an' sure he is failin", Wid groanin' an' moanln' begob it's a sin! From mornm' till night the 6wate craythur i3 waltin'. An no one to carry his shwill to the pin. Thin come to me shanty, I bear of yez, Kittie; Say yis, an' wid joy I'll be dancin' a jig; If not for meself in yer heart ye take pity, Och, Kittie, remember the woes of me pig! Charles II. Turner in New York Mercury. They Knew Each. Other. 2 First Boy Oh! I know you; you're a thief. Second Boy And I know you; you're a liar. Old Farmer (unexpected! v on hand) Well. boys, you seem to know each other, so I will now introduce you to Mr. Limber Beech which he does to the music of mutual howls. Maxie'g Nose. Maxie was the little G-year-old daughter of a clergvman who had taken trreat pains with Uer religious instruction, and had held before her the goodness of the Supreme Being, so that she should have in her mind always His kindness and mercy as well as power. One morning her mother, passing the open door of the room m which the child was playing, saw Miss Maxio standing on a chair before the mirror, with her face close to it, scrutinizing her little phiz with great earnestness, and with a long sigh sue remarked: "I don't see how God could have criven me such a nose, when lie knows how particular I am." Harper's Magazine. Lady Vere de Vere's American Cousin, buying dress goods (in doubt) I really don't know. Stunning Salesgirl It suits your style per fectly, miss. American Cousin Well, I'll take twelve yards. Stunning Salesgirl (communicative) I'm having a dress of the same pattern myself. American Cousin (with emphasis) I don't wish the goods, thank you, and flounces out. Stunning salesgirl thinks and thinks. rV asiiington Critic. The Way It Works. ."No," said the widow; "I thank you kindly for your preference and fully appreciate it, but I think one term is sufficient." "But." said the suitor, "have you considered that you owe something to me? Would you have me eke out a miserable existence merely to give you the retirement which, on the whole. you have no right to assume?" That is a view of the case which has not struck me," was the thoughtful response. "Perhaps I had better reconsider." This was veara and years ago. The delightful creature has hart two terms, and now her sense of duty in duces her to yearn for still another. Judge. A Picture's Great Advantage. Frenchman You should to Paree go, eef only to see zee beautiful picture of New York harbor painted by Missear Bartholdi. Eet is one grond compilationg. Omaha Man I have seen New York harbor itself. "Oui, but in zee picture you get zee grond view without zee smell." Omaha World. What He Would Say. Bascomb (just returned from Australia) Well, sir, what would you say if I told you I had seen a snake out there that measured forty feet in circumference and ninety-three in length? Darnley I should say er that Australia does not produce good whisky. Judge. In a Prohibition Town. PACIFIC AT r Commercial Druggist Your recommendations are good, but what Is your experience? Applicant for Clerkship The very best. I mixed drinks for seven years in an Omaha saloon. Druggist You will enter on your work at once; your experience is sufficient. Omaha World. A Skeptical Irishman. An Irish servant borrowed a copy of "Baron Munchausen" from his master's library and upon returning it was asked: "Well, Patrick, did you read it through?" "I did, sor." "And what do you think of it?" "Well, savin' yer honor, I think it's a domned lie, sor." Washington Critic. The Parson ff Color. Red as the rose was she, Red as the beet was he, And the marriage service w as duly read. And readily out of the church they sped. I asked the parson the size of bis fee, 'I got not a red," he answered me. Laving Church, J o) Ik) 0 Advertiser bt;am book and job -0 K- Saturday, January 14th. PBINTING OFFICE If Jfot Previously Dispose! o ' ly Private Sale. -:o.- n-v E3::e Gommema Advertiser Established Over Tliirtv Years. -o- Is prepared to do all kinds o Commercial & Lega! Work Having just Deceived aComplete and; New Assortment of Job Types mi Omamenfe Of the Latest Styles, from the moat Cel brated Foundries of the United States, and employing only Experienced and Tasty Workmen, we are prepared to turn out J Letter Heads, Bill lleaili. Circulars. Note Heads, Statements, OZ.AC8 SFRBOitKLS. WM. Q. IRWIN & Co SUGAR FACTORS and ' AG & NTH. Honolulu M. I. vrnminHt 9 r,, 1 A M. PHILLIPS & Co mtorters and Wholesale . Clothing, Boot, Shoes, Hats, Mftv1 I g and Fancy Goods. No. 11 KaahnnT Honolulu. H. I. fctreei 2w-ti PAUL NEUMANN'S Law Office, 44 Merchant Street : . tf IIoolnin FRANK GODFEEY, General Business Agent, Bnrges8'Express0. P. O. BOX 345 WRITER, copnsT, COLLECTOR General Bugineg, Agm No. 84 KING 8T. Frank Godfrey, King: Street, P. O. Box 345. Houses Let, Rooms Rented, Lands Leased. Frank Godfrey, S4 King Ntreet, P. O. Box 345. ollected, Mortgages Obtained On Real Estate and personal Property. Frank Godfre 84 Kin- Stree T" - ' x v. vox 345. V t ) Records Searched, Leases Drawa, Loans 3?eCotiff. rrauh mm, MlnirSi,,,' . O. Box 345. ft GIVE LIE A CALL. 84 KillO- fif (Burgess' Express Office) Vtc Xklll Ol. P.O. Box 3. USTOTICE. WE HAVE JUST RECEIVED A NEW LOT OF MANILA CIGARS, Of th Best Assorted Brands in the Market, wLich we will sell at lAtwent Price, either In Bona or Duty Paid. The above influential journal, which has long held the premier position in the city of Honolulu and throughout the Islands, -O- The Property Comprises the Eight of Publishing and Goo the DAILY and WEEKLY Editions of the of Pacific Commercial Advertiser Which enjoys an Extensive Circulation throughout the Group. A Valuable Plant in Perfect Mini Order, Stock Certificates, BuMliiess CarIf4 Meal Checks, til Ik Tickets, Kaiak .Check Contracts, Mortgrnfpe Blanks, Leases, Snipping; Contracts, (In HwwalLau & English) Calendars, Blank; C?hcka, Orders, Kecelptn, Marriage Certificates, Diplomas, Tat Alns-noa. Blotting Pads And in fact everything which a first-class office can do. Bills or ladla,r, Fresh Lots received by every Steamer. MEE FOINTG & CO., King: St., Bet. Manunkea and Xunaiiu. 3m u . (. Irwin d OFFER FOR SALE: fffl SUG AES DRY GRANULATED In Barrels, Half Barrels, And 30-pound Boxes. J CUBE In Half Barrels And 2S-ponnd Boxes POWDKRKD In 30-pound Boxes. GOLDEN C. COFFEE In Half Carre's INCLUDING TEAS Australian Mail Service. Blue Mottle! 8na.ii 3ALMOK A Horizontal Engine, Newspaper Book & Jobbing Presses, FOR SAN FRANCISCO. rn new nd iae Al attel steuuMt) th Oceanic Steamship Company, will be due at Hone lulu from Sydney and Auckland on or about Cases Corned Ueef. FLOUR AN AMPLE ASSORTMENT OF January 13th, 1888, Cs Medium Bread. NEWS l3STD JOBBING TYPES Of the most modern design, together with every requisite for a ' "well f"''"0 And will leave for the abeve port with mails and passengers on or about that date. Win. (x. Irwin & Co., AHENTS. OILS FUEL and; lubricating. Newspaper and Job Printing For Sydney and Auckland. LIME CEMENT Office, InJthe ehape of Machinery, Appliance and Materials. The new and fine Al steel steamahlp Of the Oceanlo 8teamshlp Company, will be due at Honolulu from San Francisco or or abont Galvanized Iron Eoofing, SCREWS and WASHERS THE JOB PRINTING OFFICE January 19, 1888. Sugar Bags22x,S6 Tg always in a state of activity and often affords employment to extra hands over and above the regular Staff. CONTRACTS ARE NOW IN FORCE for the printing of two Daily Ha wanan Newspapers. J And will have prompt dl3patcn with malls an awengers for the above ports. r5H5jyight or Pas8af?e having SUPERIOR AC- "'" "i'AuuAa, apply to Wm. Gr. Irwin & Co., AGENTS Notice of Removal. COEDAGE. Manila and sisal. Fanana Twlnet Whale V9 I THOMAS ZJttm SA' Reed's Felt Steam HP0 and Boiler Covering. Full particulars may be learned from Manufacturing 1 e woler , c r ass seeds, WEAY TAILOK, Secretary. HAS REMOVED TO UlIIXQTKiJiEltS LilOmaS BlOCk. KiHf i id and surveyor panic , 22 tf f