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AUSTIN'S HAWAIIAN WEEKLY.
Wit and Humor.
Correspondent sends another
curious epitaph to be found in
"Thou'rt gone, my husband, to
the better land.
Vainly I look for another in thy
place to stand."
Up to date: "We are going
to have the most realistic
missionary sermon at our church
next Sunday." "Indeed." "Yes, in
deed ; the church is to be decorated
with rifles and Gatlings." Indian
Curiosity: "What's your pur
pose here?" asked the savage.
"We're going to civilize you,"
answered the white man who had
just landed. "Ah I What method
do you use Springfield, Lee-Met-ford,
or Krag-Jorgensen ?"
"Why does he make all those
motions with his arm before he
pitches the ball?" "Those are sig
nals to the catcher. The two men
always work in concert." "Dear me!
Is that the 'concert pitch' I've
heard about so often?" Chicago
"Did the investigation annoy
you?" "Not much," answered the
practical politician, who had just
been on the witness-stand; "it
puzzles me a little now and then to
decide whether I should say, 'I
decline to answer' or 'I don't re
member.' " Wdshington Star.
Once upon a time a beggar im
portuned a lawyer for alms. "Let
me give you some valuable ad
vice," said the lawyer. " T'd rather
you sold the advice and gave me
the proceeds." ventured the beggar,
trying not to seem forward or ob
trusive. Detroit Journal.
The austere judge looked down
upon the young woman who was
accused of complicity in holding up
!the overland mail train. "Um. So
you robbed the mails, did you?" he
i remarked; "well, you're not the
first woman who has done that."
Colorado Springfield Gazette.
"Voluntary? What's that?" says
Sam. "Whv," said Milly, "It's a
hymn that the choir, or somebody
iii it, shirs of their own accord,
without the preacher givin' it out;
itist like your tomatoes come up
in the spring, voluntary, without
your plantin' the seed. That's the
wav thev do in the citv churches."
A gentleman in a rural district
drew down upon his head a storm
of adverse criticism by marrviner a
second wife shortly after the demise
of his first. Two of those good
ladies who look generally upon the
surface of things, and who are over
ready with condemnation, were dis
cussing the disgraceful affair.
"Why, my dear, there's his poor
wife hardly cold in her grave, and
he goes and marries another."
"Dreadful!" declared the other, "I
never heard of such a thing." "I i
should think not, indeed," went on
number one angrily, "marrying
wife after wife like that why the
man's a regular polyglot!"
John Ruskin, in answer to the
question, "When does the educa- ,
tion of a child begin?" replied: "At
six months old it can answer smile
with smile, and impatience with im
patience. It can observe, enjoy
and suffer acutely, and, in a meas
ure, intelligently. Do you sup
pose it makes no difference to it
that the order of the house is per
fect and quiet, the faces of its
father and mother full of love and
even those of strangers loving, or
that it is tossed from arm to arm,
among hard or reckless or- vain
minded persons, in the gloom of a
vicious house or the confusion of a
b J AAA
At the licensing session held in
a certain west-country town re
cently, the chairman, dealing with
the statutory limit for bona fide
travelers and getting his express
ions a little mixed, referred to it
as being "three miles as the 'flo
cries.' " A limb of the law who was
engaged in the case ventured to
correct his worship. With a defer
ential smile, this exponent tried to
amend the phrase; "Your worship
means as the 'fly crows' or ra
ther," he added hastily, "as the 'cry
flows!'" No one was sufficiently
rash to make a further attempt.
"America." Rev. S. F. Smith,
the author of "America," was born
in Boston October 21, 1808. He
was a graduate of Harvard and a
classmate of Oliver Wendell
Holmes. Dr. Holmes wrote of
"And there's a nice youngster of
Fate tried to conceal him by nam
ing him Smith.
Uut he shouted a song for the brave
and the free,
Just read on his medal, 'My
Country, of Thee."
North and South sang his hymn,
even during the war. It was one
of the things that separation could
not take away from either, and,
when the war was over, helped to
draw them together again.
"That's a Canadian dime. I can.t
take that," said the post-office
clerk. The child looked at the re
jected coin, and then at her un
stamped letter perplexedly.
"Here's a dime I'll change with
you," said a young woman stand
"Oh, thank you!" said the little
one gratefully,' "I ran all the way
to get mamma's mail in in time
and it would have been too late if
T had had to go back."
"How thoughtful that was," I
said to myself. "How few people,
comparatively, would have both
ered to do that for a child; and
yet how little it costs and how
much it often means."
HOTEL STREET, HONOLULU.
" . .",Il"W
1 ITnnnwniiiMillMllMBir 1 fiPTll"l"MiVwnr 1 r
The grounds upon which it stands comprise an entire
square fronting on Hotel Street. There are twelve pretty
cottages within this charming enclosure, all under the Hotel
management. The Hotel and cottages afford accommoda
tions for two hundred guests.
MUMM'S THE WORD-
Imports of Champagne into the United States
from Jnnunry 1st, to Oct. 1st, 1898. . . .
G. H. MUMM & CO.'S (Extra Dry.) 57,910 cases
Moet & Clinndon 24,103 "
Pommery & Greno 19,226 "
Heidsieck & Co. (Dry Monopole) 8,830 "
1 ouis Roedorer 5.451 "
20 other brands 34,960 "
Total 150 480 cases
Macfarlane Co., Ltd.
The Vessels of this Line con
sist of the New and Mag
Carrying Her Majesty's Mails be
tween San Fkancisco, Auckland and Sydney,
Every Four Weeks, and
Touching Each Way at Honolulu
AND THK FINh
Running Direct Between San Francisco and Honolulu Every
J. D. SPRECKELS&BR0S..C0
Freleht Department, 927 Market
Street. S. K,
I'asseiiirerB Department, 114 Mont
gomery Street, S.F,
WILLIAM G. IRWIN & CO., LD.
Honolulu, H. I.