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Newspaper Page Text
AUSTIN'S HAWAIIAN WEEKLY. Sense and Nonsense. To select well among old things is almost equal to inventing new ones. AAA He "It's lots of fun to make fun of society, isn't it?" She "Yes; but it's heaps more fun to be in so ciety and be made fun of." AAA Fears of hypocrites and fools is the great plague of thinking and writing. AAA Rose "Does Mr. Verydull know anything?" Lillian "Know any thing 1 He doesn't even suspect anything." AAA All truths are not to be uttered ; still it is always good to hear them. AAA "Is Dr. Sixthly an influential man ?" "Very. He prayed for rain last Sunday and the congregation was drenched." AAA Marriage is a lottery in which men stake their liberty and women their happiness. AAA Hunker "Hello, Ricketts, when is your marriage to Miss Munn coming off? Ricketts "It has been indefinitely postponed." Hunker "What's the trouble? Ricketts "Oh, she married another fellow." AAA He who is never guilty of follies is not as wise as he imagines. AAA The hideous doubt: She "You have been calling on Miss Plank ington quite often of late, haven't you? lias she always been at home?" He "That's just what I have been wondering." AAA The future of society is in the hands of the mothers. If the world was lost through woman, she alone can save it. AAA "What did Neighbob say when you told him vou wanted to marry his daughter?" "He didn't abso lutely refuse, but he imposed a very serious condition." "What was it?" "He said he would see me hanged first." AAA The best government is not that which renders men the happiest, but that which renders the greatest number happy. AAA "It's a pity to let all those old settlers drown," said Mrs. Noah, as the ark floated. "They won't if they're truthful," said Noah, with a chuckle ; "one of 'em was telling me yesterday that this storm isn't a marker to one he remembered back in 476090." AAA The fool maintains an error with the assurance of a man who can never be mistaken ; the sensible man defends a truth with the circum spection of a man who may be mistaken. Patient: Do you think a sud den fright would bring on a re lapse ? Doctor: Most certainly! Patient: Then please bear that in mind when making out your bill. AAA When we imagine that we love, it is the presence of the loved one that deceives us; when we truly love, it is absence that proves it. AAA Nurse (to young husband): A beautiful lolb. baby, sir! Young I lusband' (getting things mixed in his excitement): Glo rious! Am I a father or a mother? AAA Paradise is open to all kind hearts. God welcomes whoever has dried tears, either under the crown of the martyrs, or under wreaths of flowers. AAA "A fast horse, is he?" "Trots like a streak of greased lighting." "Well, that's fast enough. What do you call him?" "What Ma Says." "What Ma Says! That's a strange name. Why do you call him that?" "Mccause what ma says goes !" AAA "I wish you to witness," sobbed the horse-thief, under the limb, "that I die with resignation." "You hear what he says, boys," replied the leader of the vigilantes; "all in favor of accepting his resignation, will please signify the same by pull ing on the rope." AAA An actress died in New York, and her friends called an underta ker to make arrangements for the funeral. The undertaker wanted to know how they wanted the coffin trimmed, whereupon the friends of the dead woman said they would accept his suggestions. "Well," said the undertaker, "if the de ceased was a single woman 1 should trim the coffin in white; if a married woman, in heliotrope." The friends said they would think the matter over, and' send him word as to their decision. In the afternoon the undertaker received this note: "Trim the coffin in white, with a dash here' and there of heliotrope." "Mr. Newcome," inquired the city-editor, "did you write this arti cle, in which the statement is made that 'K. Iv. Perkinson suicided yes terday afternoon'?" "Yes, sir," answered the new man on the local staff. "Il'm!" rejoined the city editor, blandly; "Mr. Newcome, you will please consider yourself resignationed." AAA Husband "I am not ready to go out walking yet." Wife "But I am, and we must go immediately." Husband "But, my dear, your hat is not on straight." Wife "Dear me! Isn't it? Wait a minute till I go to my room and fix it." (Exit wife for half an hour, and her shrewd husband completes his work.) THE HAWA UN M N HOTEL STREET, HONOLULU. The grounds upon which it stands comprise an entire square fronting' on Hotel Street. There are twelve pretty cottages within this charming enclosure, all under the Hotel management, I he Hotel and cottages afford accommoda tions for two hundred guests. MUMM'S THE WORD - Imports of ClinmpiiKiie into the United States fiom Jnnunry 1st, to Oct. 1st, 1898. . . . ft H ?W,MM, ('-'S (Estrn Dr0 57,910 enses iMoet & Chnndon 24,103 " Ponunery & Gi eno '.'.'.'.'. 19.22G " Heidsieck & Co. (Dry Mouopo'e) .'.."' 8 830 " 1 ouis Itoedorer 5.451 " 20 other brands ' .'.'.".!."."!." 34960 " Totnl 150 480-cnses Macfarlane & Co., Ltd. Sole Agents. w irtSiMfe IIP- I The Vessels of this Line con sist of the New and Mag nificent Steamers MAR1JPOSA, 3000 Tons ALAMEDA, 3000 Tons. MO ANA., 4000 law. Currying Her Majesty's Mails be tween San Phancisco. Aucki.vnd ami Svdnky, Every Pour Weeks, and II Touching Each Way at Honolulu AM) TIIH UNK Ster.er -A.TTST:E3.A.XJ:.a., 2.600 TONS. Ilunning Direct Between Sun Krunciwo mid Honolulu Every Finn th Week. J. D. SPRECKBLS & BROS., CO , WILLIAM G. IRWIN & CO., LD. (ifiieiat Aqeutf, I trelBlitUeimrtineiit, S27 Market ' Ktieet. S. F. I'fissent'ci g Department, 114 Mont- Inwral Agent. sundry nirtei, s. Honolulu, H. I.