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Newspaper Page Text
AUSTIN'S HAWAIIAN WEEKLY.
13 Sense and Nonsense. To select well umoiig old tiling Is almost equal to liiventliit; now olios. Winks "I don't like Hardhead." Minks "He's the fellow who thinks he knows it all, isn't he?' Winks "Worse; he does know it all, and proves it." AAA In Chicago: Stranger "Whose little girl are you?" Florence "I'm papa's little girl." Stranger "And why aren't you mamma's little girl?" Florence" 'Cause the decree gave me to papa." AAA The world is peopled with fools and he who would not see one must not only retire into solitude but must break his looking glass. AAA Excited Stranger "Say! 1 lost a twenty-dollar gold piece along here somewhere. You haven't seen it, have you ?" Hungry Higgms "Do 1 look like I'd fell dead late ly?" AAA "Do you believe in marrying for love?" said Mrs. Blcecker, of New York, to Mrs. Drestbecf, of Chica go. "Oh, yes; once in awhile,'' re plied the Chicago woman. AAA He that will not reason isa bigot, he that cannot reason is a fool, and he that dares not reason is a slave. AAA "Surprise-parties are always cut and dried before-hand." "Not al ways. We gave one to Rev. Mr. Hicks, the other night. We found him in the bath-tub, and his wife in the back-parlor reading Laura Jean Libbey." AAA Cultivation is as necessary to the mind as food to the body. AAA Visitor (with a gun) "Is there any small game about here ?" Res ident "How would a twenty-fivc-cent limit strike you?" AAA Man is a sort of tree which we are to apt to judge of by the bark. AAA Young Croesus "You Love him?" The beauty "Madly." Young Croesus "Then you won't marry me?" The beauty "Why, certainly I will." AAA Measure not men by Sundays, without regarding what they do all the week after. AAA Mrs. Crimmins (at two a. m.) "Is that you, James?" James "Yesh (hie), m' dear." Mrs. Crim mins "Well, lock the gas, and turn out the door, and come up stairs." AAA There is no surer mark of the absence of the highest moral and intellectual qualities than a cold re ception of excellence. Whether we descend to the low est roots of our own intellectual growth, or ascend to the loftiest heights of modern speculation, everywhere we find religion as a power that conquers, and conquers even those who think they have conquered it. AAA Courtier (Cannibal Islands) "Here comes some more missiona ries." King (espying a detachment of the Salvation Army, with tam bourines) "At last these foreign nations are getting sense. With this lot they have sent along some plates.'" AAA Blithers had been hunting and. had stopped on the way home to have his game-bag furnished: Mrs: B. "Well, John, did you shoot anything?" John (opening bag) , "Did I? Just take a peep." Mrs. B. "Lovely! Six beautiful soft shell crabs." AAA i The Disraelis were visiting Strathfieldsayc in the time of the 1 old Duke of Wellington. Going up to the bedroom, Disraeli found his wife and her maid moving the bed from one side of the room to the other. When he inquired the rea son, his wife said: "Well, my dear, the duke sleeps on the other side of the wall, and if I lie against it I can boast that I have slept between the two greatest men in England." AAA Mrs. O. F. "Can I have my hus band put in jail fer slapping me in the mouth?" Magistrate "Cer tainly; that is assault and battery." "Well, I'll come around in about a month and make the charge." "Why not have him arrested at once?" "Well, you see, when lie slapped me, I hit him on llie head with a rollin'-pin, and he's now in the hospital, and the doctor says lie won't be able to get out for a month yet." AAA A certain general, says the auth or of "A Transatlantic Holiday," had gone to West Point on a tour of inspection, and, being a little vain of his own military acquire ments, he treated the students to an elaborate demonstration of the tactics by which a particular fort might be taken, with unfailing cer tainty, in three weeks' time. He then turned to his audience, and in quired: "But suppose, gentlemen, the situation were reversed, and you were shut up in that fort, say with fifteen hundred men, what steps would you take for its defen se?" "T would walk out." said one "Walk- out with your garrison from a fort of that strength? Why, it would be madness, cowardice!" "But don't you sec, sir," was the cool reply, "in three weeks T should have it again I" AAA Company B won out in the rifle match on the 24th inst. with Com pany F. by a score of 6ot to 597; 200 yards. High-Glass Portraits. Mi-ii mid women tire Judged liy the uxinrs nIiiii mill ninilelliii; of tlie face, mill tlie opcr iitor must nei'i'ssiirll.v lie n koui! j initio uf liiimiin nature, to tulio iinjtlitiiK from the iluliniMitlon of 11 jjootl fare In doing the ln dhliliiiil uti injustice. A good photographer must lie careful In the composition of a por. trait, for the ciitncrn cannot tell n lie. Mr. Davcy guarantees a perfect photograph. Photographic jQWyr Company. Limited. Corner Fort and Hotel Streets. Keramies I i.imitki) Have on Exhibition a large assortment of Articles in the latest designs for China Painting, in Haviland Ware, etc., etc. LA CROIX AND FRY'S CHINA PAINTS AND COMl'LBTK MXK OK BRUSHES Home Bakery and Cafe The only first-class American Restaurant in the city Cafe open from 6 A, M, till midnight Business Lunoh from 11 a.m. timi 2 p.m. 25 cts. Diuner, from 5 to 7 im. 50 ctB. Ioe Cream Parlors in oonneotion Bread, Cukes, eto , delivered to nny part of the city free. 527-529 Fort St. Honolulu, H. I. Clnus Spreckels Wm. G. Irwin CLAUS SPRECKELS & CO. Bankers ....HONOLULU, H. I.... San Fhancihco Agents: Tlie Nevada Nationnl Bank of San Francisco a tt Olympia Beer Brings Good Cheer For sale in Draught or in Bottles nt The Hoffman Also a select stock of F.nc ft::, Liquors and lip L. H. DEE Corner Hotel mid Nuunnu Streets Talk is Cheap ! ! ! When you buy an Edison Phonograph and Records from Hawaiian News Co. Limited PSQfllTOItlflE .... WLL DRIVE THE MOSQUITOES AWAY Cures the Bites ! Brings Comfort ! QNLY AT Benson, Smith & Co., Ltd., Fort and Hotel Streets,