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The Dillon tribune. [volume] (Dillon, Mont.) 1881-1941, November 04, 1887, Image 9

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aged CHERUB.
uiv wits' end. As I write, my
1 "^razors'is open before me; the blight
fa9 L°c f Vmdimnieil, alas! and umhilled by
61adC 'rmn ns they came from the cutler's
ase ' reatlv to my hand; but my hand
forge- 11 • t]ie j nst) the desperate
\t 45, health, money, u wife,
sl (though against them I well may
cW1 « grudge), even, I may say, honor
s „n unblemished reputation, are not
i,c abandoned without a strug
Îj Yet life and all the rest are embit
tn me by one misfortune, which n®
g", t0 roe by one misfortune, wlucli ms
"SL have enabled me to overcome, no
Seism has availed to disregard; and, had
I the courage, priest as I am, 1 would
trike the blow, and suicide should drop
the merciful curtain upon the pitiful fnree
______vitronw. Let me see if penning
-i mv existence. ------------ i---------a
0e tale of my woes will nerve my hand
to end them
Yet the tale will but move the world to
tftuehter. My wife has long pooh-poohed
me and urged me "not to think of it;" as
irell urge the eel not to think of skinning,
M the fugitive cur to disregard the kettle
«ed to his tail. But then she is supported
hythe courage and a good deal of the ap
g ___ _____ r.f a errenadier.
„earance of a grenadier.
*01dfriends speak sympathizing!)* and
wy "Well, old fellow, I wish I had half
vour complaint. But some men never
are satisfied." Ah! I know their tones
of regret aud envy are mere mockery;
safe in the possession of gray hairs and
gouty toes, they know they can trifle with
me as they please.
I can scarcely bear to divulge my secret
to those who do not know me and it, but
I must. My curse is this. I, a man of
45 a husband, the father of a great lout
of' a lad and a gawky girl, a priest in
holy orders and a bachelor of divinity,
have the face, the ligure, the voice, and
the carriage of a cherry cheeked boy of
ft Ah! you may laugh, but none can
know what I endure till they have tried
it Just consider. I 'ook like a nice,
healthy, lower school L oy. My cheeks are
pink and smooth; my hair is yellow and
rough and plenty of it ; my waist is slim,
my back is flat ; I wdlk with a springy
step; at times involuntarily I run, and I
believe I still could beat any alto in my
old school choir.
It was not till after I left Oxford that I
bétamo conscious of my affliction. At
college many of us do like boys, and act
like boys too. My post was naturally tho
pleasant one of cox of the college eight, and
although raftmen and bargees guffawed
privily when I came down to the boats,
and little boys from the towpath mimicked
my shrill, imperative voice, still I was
petted and popular, ns cox is by virtue of
his office, and I was happy. They carried
me shoulder high round the quad and
placed me on the table at "wines" to pipo
my treble songs, and, if I felt like a tit
mcise beside the giants of my crew, I was
but fulfilling my steersman's mission.
Those, hdeed, were goldeu days. But
ftom t.. time 1 announced n determina
tion to t.ke orders, trouble grew up
around me. Tutors said they doubted if
I should have "enough influence;" clergy
men, to whom I applied for a title, seemed
skeptical of my "seriousness;" and when
I called on tho examining chaplain to the
bishop of my choice and explained the ob
ject of my visit, the good man looked puz
*led, but smiled kindly and asked with a
surtout point de zele nir if I didn't think
I had better not have troubled to come to
him till I was within more mensurable
distance of the earliest age for ordination.
And at that moment I was 24.
At that time, indeed, I knew I looked
boyish; but then I often felt boyish, and
not being a vain peacock, I gave little
critical study to my appearance; vanity is
not my besetting sin, and in those days I
did not stare gloomily in the glass for the
purpose of detecting some hope, some
promise of age, or, indeed, for any
other purpose. Though below thq
middle height, I am not a dwarf, and
as yet the awful conviction of the truth
had not forced itself upon me. 1 did not
know how childlike a front I presented.
At last, however, I obtained a curacy iu A
parish, where we had a fine old church, a
considerable choir, and several other
wrates, and, Unding my vicar kindly, and
his wife positively affectionate, I settled
flown to my work and looked forward to
* happy atpl beneficent life. Within a
week my hopes were crushed. There
Well me a calamity which lias left me
"««nee » blighted and dispirited being.
i had but just been ordained, and I was
wry full of the solemnity and the dignity
« my new position. We had just finished
a wedding in humble life, and about half
1 ® * f was to elapse before mal ins. I
taken a subordinate part in indis
solubly yoking a bashful country lass
a very bemused looking gaby from the
«wi- H 1, nu ' l was waiting in my
, for tlle service in which 1 was, so
peak, to »"first appearance."
°, th , er was hot > and I laid aside my
„ ®. ari( i hood l'or a while; for I was as
P™uu and earefid of their untarnished
hnn,.* F 1 ? 1 '»' as a mother of her first
tin* \ an< * * tlio vestry door eliat«
° w >' vicar and two of my fellow
toiin TO-« • wepo making their mystical
swltt î! 1 "' 0n a sudden I beard a very
I / Ti s y0lce saying, "Oh, 1 do wish
ÆL"S C ° Ut this window—there
loolGnr, w one to explain if," and
elderlv ioT' n t i° chm 'ch I saw one stout
two slim young ones ex*
r a , i ! 1 winnow of Ananias and Sapphi
jor T ■'gain at the girls, and oh,
WaanJW" 1 ! v, '° fair Americans who
termtwl 011 Vi °, xf °rd during my last
Passionate l,oen the objects of my
Ü«ver im 1 n | u , ieart stricken devotion.
intrbMi.iVT SOtteu thom - ' 'ajolery
the * uu onco brought me into
cotfi.i room with them, hut J.vfore I
tioa tho,. an opportunity for im iniroduc
tcie k? gone, and 1 saw them no
v No ? Waa my time. Straight I
steps of the chancel and
errant a , T !i° before tiicin like a knight
distressed Î. i U8ht ' coming to deliver a
WSS 1 ' 11 ; f "Vou would like to
i'sskefi bin,, ii su bJeet of the window is! "
very qualm.' ,V Ifc is ver >' old ß lass
atd I saiiAS i 5 allow mo to explain it."
**fl the 3i flu f n «* v on. "Dear me!"
Canie to a r ! !'" ?, d y Presently, when I
Very ] m ! n ," so f. how interesting! What
8 W U i n ld °a to have the church
choristers i vt nx '» aad what very nice
^ Wein^ij!_'® ar ° here; so intelligent
^levant f d ' I thought this rather
°' Kl was puzzled, but all
p.atse of die church just then was
.. to } w > r n< f I said complacently
les, the choir is very good; we take great
chiline^"^ ^reat attention is paid to dis
cipline. \\hy the young ladies should
have. Utiered, or the old lady have looked
so all-abroad, I could not guess; but ns
people were beginning to come into church
nnmbcrs 1 drew toward
the chancel steps, discoursing as I went
and then, as we reached tlic c hancel gate!
I paused, intending, before we parted to
n^ke soineullusiou to having met them in
Oxfoni. i lie elderly lady, however, mis
took me. .she stopped at the foot of the
steps, where lier head was still ,«li«-hUv
nbove mine, and bringing her hand mit of
her pocket, where she 1 id been fumbling,
slipped fi naif crown into my palm and
said, "There, my little man, that will do;
^ ou vo got it ail very nicely; now f must
just give you one kiss, my dear." and with
t.mt I, yes i. was kissed publiclv cm mv
own chancel steps, under mv own rooil
screen, before the eyes of my'own pastor
and Hock. "Oh. yes! dear little fellow'"
cried the young ladies, "he is so pertain
cunning," and they too kissed me wit!
great goodwill. 1 stood with " flaniimi
checks and mouth agape, the half crown
still in my hand, watching them as tliev
complacently retreated down the aisle'.
Then, when they had disappeared, roused
by the titter of ladies and the guffaws of
my fellow clergy at .he vcfctry door, I fled
hnstily and buried by blushes among the
registers and surplices of the vestry.
It was useless to remain in that parish.
The conduct of the congregation next
Sunday, when I stepped forth to read the
lesson, proved that to demonstration. Of
course such a story had spread like wild
fire. The church was crammed, and when
in reading about David, who was "ruddy
and withal of a beautiful countenance," I
came to the words, "Lock not on his
countenance or on the height of his stat
ure," t liera arose such a stifled laughter
ns sounded like 1 the wind among dry
leaves. I stopped short, consumed with
shame and mortification, unable to see the
book for tears, and than, witii an astute
ness I did not know t possessed, judi
ciously fainted away and was borne out
like a child in the arms of the basso
It was a skillful stroke and might have
retrieved me, but I could not. brook to re
main there longer. By the assistance of
the archdeacon and the consent of the
bishop, who tried hard not to laugh while
lie gave it, 1 was transferred to another
county. But though no like blow fell on
me there, 1 saw the attempt was useless.
Did I go to school to catechise or exhort
tho boys, my presence was a signal for
disorder. As a matter of course my au
thority was disregarded. Girls chatted
under my nose, hoys extracted from
dirty breeches pockets pegtops and
toffee liefore my very eyes, and even
looked to me for encouragement, and if
the master was forced to come to the
rescue and canon lad, the ingenuous youth
would appeal to me, with an air that said
as plain as words. "Come, you know what
alley-tors are? Why don't you put a stop
to this grown up tyranny? Have you no
fellow feeling?" At baptisms mothers re
fused to let me officiate upon the bawling
infant, vowing "they weren't ugoin' to let
that theer careless boy play no tricks with
the blessed baby. ' ' My ministrations pro
voked hilarity at funerals, and once an
irate virago, with whom 1 was expostu
lating on the wickedness of her ways,
soused me neck and crop, clerical hat and
nil, into her soapsuds and wnslitub.
With much pain I dropped my holy
calling. Marriage and a literary life ab
sorbed some years. 1 strove—heaven
knows how earnestly—to correct the vice
of my appearance, hut the more I ad
vanced iu life the more absurd matters
grew. Occasional glimpses of hope only
proved delusive and plunged me hack
again into a darker despair. If I have
tried one patent infallible whisker pro
ducer I have tried twenty. I have been n
mine of wealth to barbers. Fluids that
would make au elm plank shaggy simply
make my cheeks look chapped. Many a
time have I gone to rest daubed with
pomade, only to find in the morn
ing that it had fled from my chin in
the night to seek a more hopeful
ground ou the pillow. Once a slight
downy efflorescence made its appearance
under my jav.*, and l'or days I was almost
delirious with joy, and walked the streets
with my chin in the air to show my
manly beard. Alas! like Jonah's gourd,
it withered in one night, as it grew. Sud
denly it dropped off and left my face hair
less as the sole of my foot. At 401 still
looked like 14.
But. though 1 looked ns if time had
stood still with me, in fact it has made
ns good haste as with other folks. My
wife is half as tall again as I, and twice
as heavy. When I give her my arm sue
puts her fingers into my armpit, and peo
ple are ceasing to take her for my
mother and think 1 am her grandchild. I
am blest with a hopeful young family, a
boy and a bony, awkward girl, who looks
already over the crown of my head and
has to sloop down to kiss me. ThA hoy I
do think an extraordinary creature. He
is not more than Hi, hut lie looks as much
older than his age as I, so to speak, look
younger than mine. He is tall and
burly, and has a mighty mature and
lumpish look. The brawl which fate
has denied me adorns him. and with a
double portion, and, now that ins voice
has broken and settled itself into a kind
of hoarse bray, boyish is the ln-i word to
apply to him.
I took him down the other day to Harl
Jjorough school to enter him there. My
railway journey was neither more
nor less of a misery to me than
usual. . An economically minded ticket
inspector remarked considerately to
my son, "I'd have passed him
with a half ticket, sir! You needn't have
got a whole 'un." I went to tia-refresh
ment room and asked for a four of whisky.
The young lady behind the bar leant over
and cried. "Oh! you horrid little hoy! I
shan't give you nothing hut it glass of
milk and a bun. not if you was ever so.
To think of the likes of you wanting fours
of Scotch, indeed!" nnd a burly country
man standing by smote »neun the back
till I choked, and guffawed. "Haw! Haw!
Thee'rt « good 'un. I loikes thy cheek,
little chop," and in trying to force on me
a drink of his beer contrived to pour
some half pint into ray nock ai d waistcoat
and then cursed me for his own clumsi
ness. The bookstall man treated me with
polite indifférence and paid ifo more at
tention to me than to a spaniel. Finally,
when ;i grim old lady got into our smok
ing carriage she fixed me with n stonveve
and said, "Oh! you nasty little 'bov!
smoking at your age! Where do you cx
pect to go to?" and proceeded to take niv
pipe away from me; while the other pas
sengers said, "W ell, ho is too young to be
smoking, for sure," and that lout of a son
of mine went black in the face with
laughter and declined to come to the
Harlborough was readied at last and
we walked up to the headmaster's house.
With some difficulty nnd two half crowns i
induced the incredulous butler to usher us
in, and having got rid of his lh st notion
that it was, as he said, "a 'oax," I found
I had cast out the first devil only to have
a more wicked one take his place; for
now he winked jocosely and bade us
"come this way, young genle'men," and
actually poked me in the ribs before go
ing found the screen nnd ushering ns into
the doctor's presence. I was wild with
wrath at. the indignity. "Doctor." said
I, fiercely and shrilly, "I must protest, T
insist, sir." He glared at me haughtily,
and then, turning to my huit, said, "is
this some farce? If, sir, as l suppose,
you arc bringing your little brother to en
ter him at the school, let me say that we
have the means," and he swished his
hand through the air, "of correcting that
unbridled and insubordinate demeanor
which tlie loss, no doubt, of a father, and
the absence of parental control, lias in
duced in him. 1 sec," said he, as the
gaby turned crimson and shuffled from
one foot to the other, "your brother's
pertness not unnaturally discomposes you;
believe me, I attach no blame to you. and
I think," lie added significantly, ""we can
soon remedy it."
My cup brimmed over. What exactly
I said I will not repeat. Let me not for
get that I am a clergyman, and that it is
mv duty alike to forgive my enemies and
to eschew bad language; but for the
nonce my language was very bad indeed,
and very wrathful; and the matter was
made all the worse by the fact that
tho doctor was but a young man. ••Sir,"
I cried, "I took an honorable degree at
Oxford when you were still being birched
at school, and was a priest in holy orders
before ever you were in coat tails. How
dare you gibe at my personal appearance,
sir? How dare you make a mock of my
infirmity? You seem so inhuman, and so
indecently fond of the most degrading
part of your duties, that 1 would gladly
leave this grinning oaf with you. and then
he would get the thrashing lie deserves
for exulting in his father's discomfiture.
But then 1 should have to speak with
you, sir; to speak with you! and I will
not lower myself by having anything to
do with you; evil communications corrupt
good manners, sir, and I will not stoop to
imperil my own good breeding by com
municating with a pedagogue, who, in
stead of a scholar and a gentleman, ap
pears to he a coxcomb and a boor;" and
with this tirade I flung out of the room in
a rage, nnd my son slunk out at my heels.
I was speechless with fury till we got
some distance from the house. Then,
looking up, I saw t hat my wretched boy
was sniggering still, and in my mortifica
tion I struck him with my cane. There
were several of the lads about, and he, poor
fellow, was high and mighty in his new
tail coat, and he felt tho indignity. He
lost his temper, as I had lost mine, and,
turning on me, he boxed my ears. This
was too much. To what depth of con
tempt must I have fallen! 1 dropped on
a bench and burst into tears—tlie bitter
est tears, I think, that ever man shed.
I gave him money and sent him home
alone, and then I wandered away in inde
scribable wretchedness. I was blind to
all that passed; I neither saw nor eared
where I went. I could not even pursue
one train of thought, however miserable.
Not that any oblivion came mercifully to
relieve me from my sufferings. 1 passed
through moment after moment of exqui
site pain, but each seemed isolated, and to
he enaured by itself separately, and with
out any continuity with either the mo
ments that went before or those which
followed after. How the time went I do
not know, but after what 1 thought was a
great while I found myself sitting by a
dull, dark stream, staving gloomily into it.
I do not know what was passing through
my mind; perhaps no settled thought lmd
formed itself; but I was in a very abyss of
despair. Suddenly I felt n little hand
thrust into mine, and a child kissed me.
I looked up nnd saw a village girl of 7 or
8 years old, very plain but for n pair of
wistful eyes, who gazed pitifully at me
undsuid, "Poo'hoy!" From her lips I did
not wince at the reproach of youth. Slowly
I came out of the dark mood in which I was
ready for I know not what rash act; aud
in talking to the little girl, and feeling
her hand confidingly in mine, I gradually
found composure and resignation. She
was very shy, and even stupid, and, when
I got her to speak, her voice was coarse,
and she talked in a villainously provincial
accent; but still, by her mute kindliness
and fellow feeling, she had saved ni from
what I dared not contemplate, and 1 owed
her a debt of gratitude w hich I could not
Alas! these milder moments were not
for long. At lust 1 reached home, and
found the boy, who had preceded mo, had
told his story from his own point of view,
and my wife, perhaps rightly, took his
part. "I suppose," she said with stately
censure, "l suppose it is useless to hope
that you are ashamed of yourself, but I
am ashamed of you. No wonder you look
such a baby when you give way to such
childish tempers. At your age to mind
what you look like! You don't act like a
man and you don't deserve to bo treated
like one. And to strike the poor boy be
fore the whole school! Oh, it was too
I dure say it was; but it was not dis
creet to toll me so, and she does not know
what I feed. Her chiding lms brought
hack all my old bitterness and gloom,
and I think if I were now on that river
bank again, not even the little girl would
save me. But men are weak, and for the
present, for want of a convenient way
over to the other side. 1 must stay on this
and abide my life as best 1 can. When I
am gone, if I go, this narrative may per
haps lead a few to think not too harshly
of mo.—Jerome Yen in Belgravia.
The Son of a Swineherd. J
When the 10-year-old son of an Indiana 1
hog raiser can count and check off 1,700
hogs as they rush out of a lot in a body !
the neighborhood settles down ta the be- |
lief that he will some day he president of ,
the United States.—Detroit Free Press.
Sebree, Ferris & White Co.
Molme Plows, Oliver Chilled Plows, Flying Dutch
man and Cassady Sulky Plows; All Kinds
of Farming Implements; Heavy Hard
ware, Iron, Steel, Horse
and Mule Shoes;
C 3 -UHD 3 DE 33 ^r B.AΠ3 E W 1 EB,
Harness, Saddles, Whips, Spurs, Etc.
I Orders by mail have prompt attention.
i 3 xi-iX-.oa^r, Mom.,
WHOI.i;*AI,i: & UETA 11. 1)KAI,KRS IS
I Missoula Pine Flooring, Rustic Bevel Siding and
I Finishing Lumber constantly in stock and warranted
; equal to Eastern Lumber at much lower cost.
I m uck Walnut, Oak, Maple and other imported stock constantly on hand.
Proprietors of
Wc also make a specialty of handling Baled WAV AW B GRAIN.
We are making sweeping reductions in prices. Correspondence so
licited. Cull and see us. W. IT. SMEAD, Scc'y and Gen. Manager.
Montana St., • • Dillon, Mont.
1 World's ^ £
Isold with the absbiÆ
jrar cm be made!
% »SiOLO-ÖY* Sr
à GEO. W. DART, f
Cutlery, Carpenters' Tools, Miners'
Supplies, Tin and Sheet Iron Ware,
Plainand Fancy Crock*
cry and Glass Ware,
Wood and Coal Stoves,
and Everything Usually Found in
a First-class Hardware Business.
All kinds of tin, slie«t Iron mid copper
work done promptly.
Containing full Description of
Fancy Work,
Woolen Yarns and Their Uses,
With valuable information to Indies,
Sent Free on Application.
1 2 <j and i; r Kearny -St,
-31113 San Francisco, Cai-a
Fancy Horse Shoeing,
g. McLaughlin,
Mr. McLaughlin keeps a first-class shop,
and does everything i- his line in a work
manlike manner.
He always keeps on hand a complete as
sortment of new shoes, and
Repairing of all kinds done neatly and
The public is respectfully invited to give
him a call. -onr,
I have :i blind of 1,150 i^ood grade >huep which i
offer for sale. Parties wishing to purchase* sheep will
find my b:i?id :t-desirable* one. For particulars c.k.
at mv ranch on llorse Prairie, or address
pv^vtî GKO. !.. IÎATC IIKI.OKK.
Hannack, M. T.

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