Daily inter mountain. [volume], February 04, 1899, Page 16, Image 16

About Daily inter mountain. [volume] (Butte, Mont.) 1881-1901

Image provided by: Montana Historical Society; Helena, MT

                
ANTIQUATEDJOKE
By Ewen Macpherson.
A practical juke may end seriously.
That is a platitude, ol' course. The
beauty of a platitude as an introduction
Is that one can use it so without fear of
being contradicted at the beginning. Tn
this case a practical joke is the hinge of
the whole affair.
Michael Vance set out to make a law
practice for himself with very serious
difficulties against him. In the first place,
lie had a widowed mother to take care of,
and all the resources independent of his
own work, on which he could count, were
summed up in just $25,000 of invested
money, the dividends on which were big
enough in some years and much too small
in others. This was his whole patrimony.
Besides his mother, he had "the girls,"
and that very comprehensive term meant,
when Michael Vance used it. not the gay
and giddy, and altogether delightful sis
terhood to whom most young men offer
offerings of flowers, candy, theater tick
ets and other such pleasant matters.but
two sisters, daughters of his own father
and mother. One of these two had de
veloped remarkably in an intellectual
Sense, and the other in the direction of
vocal music; the former was still at Vas
sal-, the latter had to be supported in
Paris.
Marriage? Well, Vance may have
thought of that from time to time as a
thing to be desired for "the girls." but
for himself—it hardly suggested a pos
sibility.
He knew two or three other young men
In his own city, of course, and was on
Speaking terms with a score. But, in the
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"OH!" SHE EXCLAIMED.
Circumstances, he could hardly be ex
pected to mix much more in men's society
than in women's. Life was all one hard,
grim grind for him.
The odd thing about it, considering that
he was not over 21. was that he
fteemed rather to like life. Perhaps he
had a taste for the grim and the hard.
That, at least, was what the other young
men said of him.
"Vance is a sort of cast-iron figure of
a man," said one of his few acquaint
ances, half enviously, when a small par
ty of young people were talking him
over one evening at a dance from which
lie, as usual, was absent.
The same epigrammatic youth was re
minded of this saying a whole year later
by one of the young women who had
heard him utter it.
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A DISASTROUS FLIRTATION,
"Well," he said, "I still stick to it.
Flesh and blood could neither work nor
endure like that fellow."
"Yes, but you said it in mockery. It
seems likely to turn out serious truth."
"I meant it just as I said it.' '
"In the sense that cast-iron figures
don't include brains in their makeup?"
"Not by any means, I know as much
about Michael Vance's brains as most
people, I guess. But what about his
brains now in particular?"
"Oh, only that he has been appointed
assistant to the prosecuting attorney."
"You don't say!"
"Yes, I do say. I'm afraid you know
more about waltzing than about current
news, Mr. Bridges. But, what is more,
he very nearly had to refuse the appoint
ment."
"Refuse it?"
"Because he had his hands full of his
own practice."
This was a grand surprise to the joy
ous and amusing young Mr. Bridges. He
had always had a high respect for the
distinguishing characteristics of Michael
Vance that were so unlike his own, but
he had not expected to hear of their
winning success for at least a decade to
come.
So Bridges, the center of a group of
more or less admiring youngsters of both
sexes, began after supper to speak out
what was uppermost in his mind.
"Who would have thought Vance would
have got on at such a tremendous pace?"
he began. "Haven't you heard? Why,
he's going to be made assistant prose
cuting attorney as soon as Holt goes into
office."
"Then he'll have to sit up all night to
do the work," said a very young gentle
man whose father happened to be a coun
ty court judge. "It takes him all day
light to do his own work now."
"Perhaps he ought to have a steno
; grapher," said Miss Lillian Shadd. "I
wish he'd have me. I can do 50 words a
' minute."
j "With your tongue or your pencil?"
f Bridges sarcastically asked,
j But the upshot of this chatter and chaff
i was a plot. Five young people united in
! that plot, two girls and three young men;
! and it is not uncharitable to imagine
! that two of the conspirators have since
repented several times—the tiling is at
j least likely.
I Anyhow, Vance, within a week of the
■ date of that party, received as many as
j eight personal applications from young
women who wanted the position of steno
■ grapher in his office. His office was hard
i ly large enough, at that time, to hold
I himself, his law library, one client and
j one very small office boy.
These personal applications were very
troublesome and very embarassing, but 1
there were also applications by mail, all !
from young women, to which Vance felt
bound in courtesy to reply. The plot of
the five had worked very well so far.
But in the meanwhile Vance had dis
covered the advertisement in the local j
paper by which all this trouble had been
brought about him, and before the end of ,
that week, not only had the publishers j
of the paper been obliged to suppress the i
fraudulent advertisement, but Vance had '
substituted for it one like this ;
"To Stenographers: Persons desiring .
positions as stenographers and typewrit- j
ers are hereby warned that the advertise
ment lately inserted in this column in
the name of Mr. Michael Vance was so
inserted without his knowledge or wish.
Any information which may lead to the
identification of the friol or fools who
plagiarized this joke from the late The- |
odore Hook will be gratefully received by .
the said Michael Vance.""
The story of the plot against Vance,
and of his counter to it, created much
stir in the little circle which included the
conspiring five. Nobody came forward
to inform on them, but Lillian Shadd her
self a member of the band, unguardedly
gave herself and the others away. She
took offense at the phrase "fool or fools"
in Vance's card and cut him on the
street. It was a summer day, and she
took refuge in her parasol. Vance de
liberately turned round and walked after
her, caught up with her, and, politely
raising his hat, said: "Didn't you see
me just now, Miss Shadd?"
"Oh!" she exclaimed, or, rather,
screamed. Then recovering her dignity,
she answered: "I didn't supose you would
want to speak to a 'fool or fools,' Mr.
Vance!"
"There are some persons, I believe,"
said Vance, "answering to that descrip
tion to whom I would very much like to
speak if I could find them."
"Then go and speak to the men fools,"
Miss Shadd flared up. "Go to Mr. Bridges
and—Oh !"
She had said more than she meant to.
Vance went to Bridges, who was al
ready very sore about this plot. "Fool
or fools" Bridges could afford to over- !
look, but to be accused or plagiarizing a '
joke from a humorist of bygone days
was intolerable to a man who had his
own little local reputation in that line.
At that time of the day Bridges was
to be found in a bank, counting can
celled checks. He came from behind the
brass grating and bowed to Vance very
stiffly, as though not desiring any con
tinuance of the privilege of Mr. Vance's
acquaintance.
"What's the matter witn you. Bridges?"
said Vance, speaking loud enough to be
heard by everyone in that part of the
bank. "Don't you like being called a
fool ?"
"I certainly do not, Mr. Vance," said
Bridges. "And if any man should apply
that term to me that man would have to
answer for it personally."
"Then, if you don't like being called a
fool," said Vance, "why are you one?"
Upon which a dozen clerks and cash
iers snickered audibly behind the brass
grating.
"What do you mean by this, Mr.
Vance?"
"Look here. Bridges. If you had only
annoyed me with your antiquated prac
tical joke, I would hardly have noticed
it. But you have given a great deal of
trouble and mortification to more than j
a dozen young ladies who are trying to
earn their livings. Consequently you
must apologize to them all in writing. If
you consent to apologize promptly, I will
let you off with a card in the paper,
signed with your own name. If not, you
will have-"
This was altogether too much for
Bridges' temper. As many as 15 em
ployes of that bank who had heretofore I
regarded him as a wit, man' of fashion
and graceful rufller were grinning and
listening while Vance called his joke an
tiquated and laid down an offensively
humiliating plan of action for him, with
a strong suggestion of threats.
"I will apologize to no one under com
pulsion," he interrupted fiercely.
"I don't care what you apologize un
der," said Vance, "but apologize you will
within 24 hours, or I will come back here
—to this bank—at this time tomorrow
and slap your face!"
And what followed was a very mixed
up affair.
"No one of the 15 employes ever could
toll which of the two "landed" the first
blow. But the head cashier and a vice
president who overheard the disturbance
rushed out and separated the two.
"I give you 24 hours," Vance called
aloud as he walked out of the bank.
After that he went back to his office
and there found waiting {or him a shy,
dark-eyed girl in a brown dress. At first
j ho thought it must be his sister Annie,
unexpectedly returned from abroad, so
much did this girl resemble her in height,
figure and carriage.
i "I hope you haven't been waiting here
, long," said Vance, politely.
' "No," said the girl. "That is—only
half an hour. 1 came to ask if you had
found a satisfactory stenographer. I live
in the country, and the paper didn't reach
us until day before yesterday. I couldn't
make up my mind whether to write or
come until this morning. Then I was ad
, vised to come myself and see you."
"You are only one more victim," Vance
began. Then, seeing the look of timid
disappointment on the child's face, he
was inspired to go about the matter dif
ferently.
"Would it be very impertinent to ask
your age?" he said very respectfully.
1 "Sixteen."
I
"And you want to leave your family
and come to live by yourself in this city?"
"I can give you good references—in
deed I can."
"And what does your mother think of
your plan?"
"I have no mother. I have been living
with my married sister. My brother-in
law died last year, so I taught myself
stenography."
No need to go any further. So thought
Vance. He sent the office boy home as
soon as he had seen two of this young
woman's letters of introduction. Then
he shut up his office and took her home
to his mother.
It is hardly worth mentioning that all
the stenography Miss Lydia C'atlin had
succeeded in teaching herself would
never have lightened Michael Vance's
professional labors to any appreciable
degree. But
But, to return to Bridges, I must say
that his punishment was quite severe
enough to have been shared by all five
of the eonspirators, as it should have
been. For the vice-president and the
cashier made him tell the whole story of
the plot. Then, speaking loudly and dis
tinctly, pointed out to him the error of
his ways, and finally presented him with
the alternative of publishing that apolo
gy—signed—in the next morning's issue
of the paper, or giving up his position in
the bank. Upon which Bridges prompt
ly resigned his position and started for
New Mexico next morning. Which is
why he never married Lillian Shadd, as
everybody had expected he would.
But, to return once more to Vance.
Three years later, having for the sixth
time refused to make that dark young
woman his stenographer—having, in fact,
employed another stenographer in the in
terval—he compromised by promising to
let her be an assistant stenographer-ex
traordinary if she would become his wife
at the same time. In her eagerness to be
a stenographer, she accepted this com
promise.
And that is why the other female mem- ,
her of the conspiring live is sorry for her ;
share in the plot.
CURIOS FROM PIG-TAIL LAND.
The traveler*« Wartegg describes east
ern North America as a "country where
people change their creeds and their
lodgings about the 1st of May, or soon
after," and conservatism, or the tenden- j
cy to persist in established customs, can !
certainly not be considered a besetting
foible of representative Yankees, but
there are facts that make one doubt if
its power over certain classes of our j
fellow men has any limits whatever. ;
Not Individuals only, but whole com- ,
munities and nations, stick to the usages
of their ancestors as their chief hope of
salvation. The word "time-honored" !
sums up their definition of fitness. The
antiquity of a habit outweighs all its
disadvantages. If they can be convinced
that any doctrine, custom or fashion has j
prevailed for a couple of thousand years
no other argument is needed. Captain
Basil Hall spent a couple of hours try
ing to convince a Solomon islander that
it was the height of absurdity to knock
out a child's front teeth, and, by way of
reply, the old chief took him to a sort
of village mausoleum, where the skulls
of half a dozen patriarchs were grinning j
hideously, minus their incisors.
The natives of Southern Abyssinia have ,
perforated their nostrils for the last 3,000 ;
years, and in the seaport towns of the ;
Philippines our countrymen can study
fashions that have defied reform since j
the times of Confucius and Zoroaster.
"What? Appear in public without a |
queue?" The mere idea agitates a Chi- '
naman's epidermis with cold shivers. Ce
lestial dandies spend a considerable por- !
tion of their income and time in hair j
dressers' shops. Prisoners who lack the
means to pay a laundry bill still contrive ^
to engage the services of a barber. The '
almost invariable return of our Mongols
to their native land has a good deal to
do with their desire to end their days in
a country where their sense of decorum
is not constantly outraged by the sight
of queueless males of their species.
The artist Wanjuran, who spent sev
eral years in the South China free ports,
devoted a series of cartoons to the il
lustration of additional drawbacks. One
of his queue martyrs has been pilloried
by being hung up by his main braid, with
his toes just touching the ground, like
r> mutinous soldier in the stocks, and
now and then forces himself down fiat
footed to enjoy the luxury of funda
mental rest at the expense of a minute's
scalp agony.
Another tries to outrun his creditor,
but in turning a corner is grabbed by
the end of his flying appendage and haul
j ed ignominiously before the mandarin,
j A policeman has collected three such
I culprits, and drives them along the pub
lic street, using their queues as a Jehu
I would the reins of his coach horses. They
! twist and howl, but the hand of Nemesis
declines to relax its grasp till they trudge
along anxious to anticipate the time
schedule of their driver.
A more serious offender has been
chained to a block, to undergo amputa
tion of his topknot, and stands staring
like a French criminal witnessing the
preparations of the guillotine manager.
Two babies are having their hair al
most twisted out by the roots to satisfy
the demands of propriety, but seem re
signed tf* fate, as their doll is afflicted
in a similar manner.
For the last 4,000 years the inconven
iences of the queue custom have been
daily experienced by millions, but it has
contrived to resist reform. One emperor
forced the male adults of a rebellious
province to wear dog collars for seven
years, and some of the awestruck peni
tents carried that badge of degradation j
night and day, and might have consent- !
ed to surrender their teeth, as well as the j
privilege of snarling, but at the mere ■
mention of an order to curtail their pig
ornaments the flames of revolt would |
have blazed out more fiercely than ever, i
The Buddhist missionaries used to !
boast that they could make converts re- j
nounce all their earthly possessions, but ;
in China they were probably discreet [
enough not to attack worldly vanities j
with the edge of a razor. |
The Turban fashion, though slightly
less ugly, is almost as foolish from a
standpoint of comfort and hygiene. In
a warm climate it greatly aggravates the
afflictions of the vertical sun without
mitigating its glare, and would seem al
together more suitable for the natives of
the higher latitudes, yet its benefits are
experienced only by a few million high- 1
landers of the Caucasus and the Afghan '
Nevadas. Nine-tenths of the turban- !
wearers are inhabitants of the tropics 1
The absurd fashion prevails in Persia i
Mohammedan, Hindostan, Asia Minor' i
Egypt. the Moslem Soudan, and all along j
the south coasts of the Mediterranean !
even in the seaports of Morocco, where i
the summer heat gets so fearful that !
steamers, scudding along with a favor
able breeze, have now and then io re
verse their course, i. e., steam in the ]
teeth of the wind for a few hundred knots
to save their deck hands from sunstrokes. !
Tn Darfour, too, the thermometer often j
rises to 120 degrees F. in the shade, but !
the followers of the prophet stick to the i
contrivance that keeps their heads in ]
a stew of perspiration, and pity the ig
noranee of the Abyssinian misbelievers
who prefer to go bareheaded. Burkhardt
on his foot tour through the interior of
Arabia, found all sheiks, teachers and
prosperous traders heavily turbaned, j
and came to the conclusion that the eus- ;
tom is considered a badge of orthodoxy, '
but admits that devotion could hardly
be put to a severer test. "It seems as
strange," he says, "as if some Scandi
navian messiah had persuaded his disci
ples to trudge barefoot through 20 inches
of snow."
Turban wearing, however, was in vogue
centuries before the birth of Mohammed,
and one might suppose that the survival
of the fittest would gradually have pre
vailed against the worship of the cus
tom, but it has done nothing of the kind.
Five hundred and thirty years before
the beginning of our chronological era,
King Cambyses of Persia landed a large
army In Lower Egypt, and the next day
encountered the defenders of the Delta
and Pelusium, where his tactics finally
triumphed, but 100 years later the skulls
of his soldiers could still be distinguished
from those of the Egyptians. The latter
being accustomed to go bareheaded,
their brainboxes had defied the ravages
of time, while those of their turban
wearing conquerors had crumbled down
to the jawbones.
To adjust a turban in the proper fash
ion requires practice and patience, and
laziness, if not common sense, has in
duced the modern Turks to compromise
.
the grievance by means of a fez, orig
inally puckered, in imitation of a folded
head shawl, but now mostly worn
straight, like the skull cap of the German
students.
The mere sight of that heresy makes
true believers groan with dismay, and
the orthodox Arabs denounce their con
querors with terms including an epithet
which literally means "scandal heads."
The father of the present shah of Per
sia, ton, passed for a skeptic, because
he used to wear a tasseled flat cap, and
occasionally even doffed it in the pres
ence of distinguished foreign visitors,
while his vizier stood shrouded like a
mummy of the past.
Turbans probably originated on the
chilly tablelands of central Asia, where
they proved useful enough for eight
months in the year; but how shall we
account for the cumbrous waist scarfs
which the Brahmin Hindoos persist in
wearing through the warmest summer of
their bake-oven climate
A belly band
young elephant by means of a rope
twisted from the endless coils of calico.
which he
that pur
made a fai
custom by t
preventing the use of superfluous tegu
monts. "If a surplus of that sort must
ho tolerated," he says, "it is fortunate
' hnUHiies an not use it in
enough if its habitues do not use ii in
a manner to impede the freedom or tnon
motions. Waist wraps do not hinder
their wearers from running, climbing or
... • i „.„„„f f-,
li the intelligent , ■
swimming, and are out and out less of
an incumbrance than the arm-incom
moding toga whic
and enterprising Romans continued to
wear for so many centuries."
It would be a mistake to suppose that
Mongolian females are compelled to crip
pie their feet—perhaps as mischievous
Jacquemont suggests, by husbands wish
ing to impede the escapades of their bet
: ter halves. Girls of 8 or 9 years already
\ yearn to fall in line with the waddling
procession of fashion worshipers, and
will not stop teasing until their little toes
have been doubled up like the claws of
a chilblained chicken,
j Soudanese virgins, too, feel ill at ease
; till their cheeks have been properly sac
rificed and covered with permanent swell
' ings, resembling buttons on the collar of
■ a dress coat. They appear to consider an
j unbuttoned face an absolute indecency,
i and pitied Richard Burton's wife for
! having fallen into the hands of a hus
: band reckless enougli to permit her prom
enades in that shockingly primitive con'«
dition. "He may be too poor to buy lier ai
nose ring," the distinguished traveler
heard one of the gossips say, "but, for
all that, he should not disregard the dic
tates of common propriety."
For a time may come when historians
of civilization may marvel at the persist
ence of some mediaeval oddities in our
own boastful age of reason—for instance,
the abuses of early morning meals and
artificial headwater, customs which a re
vival of naturalism will perhaps discard
as the Greeks and Romans discarded
them for nearly 700 years,
NOTICE TO CO-OWNER. ;
To John F. McEvoy, your heirs or as
signs: You are hereby notified that we
have expended one hundred dollars
,$100 0 °) during the year 1898 in-labor and
improvements >iP°n the following quartz
1 " de minin K claim situated in the Summit
^ mining district, Silver Bow county,
Montana - and recorded on page 12, book
Tv ' records of Silver Bow county, Mon
tana > known as the Idlewild quartz min
inR f ,a im, a more particular description
of which is found in the location notice
the said lode claim, as recorded, n the
office of county recorder of Silver Bow
county. That the said labor was per
formed, and the said improvements were
made for the purpose of holding said
claim, under the provisions of section
2324 revised statutes of United States and
the amendments thereto; concerning an
nual labor on mining claims for the year
1S98; when said labor and improvements
were made. If within ninety days alter
the publication of this notice you f ai i
refuse to contribute your portion,
amounting to sixteen dollars and sixty
who have made the above describe!
penditures according to the requirements
of the said section.
R. McDOWELL,
W. A. KIDNEY.
five cents ($10.65) and costs, of said ex
penditures as a co-owner, your interest
in the said claim will become the prop
erty of the undersigned, your co-owners,
ADMINISTRATOR'S NOTICE OF
SALE OF REAL ESTATE.
Notice is hereby given, that in pursu
ance of an order of the district court
of the County of Park, State of Montana,
made on the 19th day of January. 1S99,
in the matter of the estate of Harry Gas
sert, deceased, the undersigned, the ad
ministratrix of the estate of the said
Henry Gassert, will sell at private sale,
to the highest bidder, for cash; and sub
ject to confirmation by said district
court, on Saturday, the 2Slh day of Jan
uary, 1899, at 10 o'clock a. m., at the law
office of J. S. Shropshire, at Butte, in the
County of Silver Bow, all the right, title,
interest and estate of the said Harry
Gassert at the time of his death, and all
the right, title and interest that the said
estate has, by operation of law or other
wise, acquired other than or in addition
to that of the said Harry Gassert at the
j time of his death, in and to all that cer
I tain lot, piece or parcel or land situate,
iying and being in the said County of
Silver Bow, State of Montana, and
bounded and described as follows, to
wit:
An undivided one-fourth Ci) interest
in and to a portion of Lot Five (5), in
Block Twenty-nine (29), of the City of
Butte, Silver Bow County, Montana,
said property being what Is familiarly
known as the Clarendon Hotel property.
Terms and conditions of sale: Cash,
which is to be paid to the administratrix
on confirmation of sale by said district
court, and the delivery to the purchaser
of a deed which conveys a good title to
said purchaser.
SARAH C. GASSERT.
Administratrix of Esiat.c of Harry Gas
sert, deceased.
NOTICE TO CO-OWNER.
To Benjamin Armstrong, your heirs or
, assigns: You are hereby notified that we
j have expended during the year 1S98 one
EC ript!on of which Is found in the location
| notices of the said iode claims as recorded,
| of "Silver Bow county, Montana; that the
said labor was performed and the said im
provenants were made for the purpose of
^ said claims under the provisions
"
page S9, in the cilice of the county recorder
of Section 2321, Revised Statutes of tli6
I'li'ted States, anil tlie amendments thereto
concerning annual labor on mining claims
for the year 1898, when said labor and im
provements were made. If within ninety,
.invs after the last publication of this no
you f £V n 0 r refuse to contribute your
p ro p£ r tion, amounting to one hundred and
j twelve dollars and fl ty cents ($112.50), of
i Ei iid expenditures, as a co-owner, your in
, terest In the said c! ilms wifi _ becorno tha
property ' ............."................
of the undersigned, your co
owners, wlio have made the above de
scribed expenditure! according to the re
quirements of the s .id section. ,
PAT KIRLEY, /
JAMES KIRLEY,
FRANK KIRLEY".
Dated tills 6th ('ay of January. 1S99.
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