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The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, June 08, 1881, Image 7

Image and text provided by Montana Historical Society; Helena, MT

Persistent link: https://chroniclingamerica.loc.gov/lccn/sn85053157/1881-06-08/ed-1/seq-7/

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FLOATING FANOIES.
Thelily now is blowing sweet and pale,
The weather's getting lovely for a sail,
And in just a month or so,
When the oleanders blow,
The dog will have a kettle on his taiL
Delilah was the first female barber, and
got Samson where the hair was short.
Once they started a girls' seminary in Utah.
It flourished well ; but just in the hight of its
prosperity the principal eloped with the
whole school.
Some females have just been arrested in
Kentucky for the manufacture of illicit
whisky. This is the first recorded instance
of a woman keeping still.
Falstaff asks, "What's honor ?" as though
it was hard to tell. But let one woman sit
behind another in church and she will tell
what's on her in less than two minutes.
The editor of the Hackensack Republican
went to call on his girl, when he saw on the
front steps a sign which said, "Bleware of
the paint." He went away sighing, "I never
before knew that she painted."
A lady engaged to be married, and getting
sick of her bargain, applied to a friend to
help her untie the knot before it was too late.
"Oh, certainly," she replied. "It is very
easy to untie it now while it is on!y a beau
knot."
The following letter was received by an
iundertaker recently from an afflicted widow
er: "Sur-my waif is ded and wonts to be
berried to-morrow at Woner klock. U nose
waire to dig the hole-by the siad of my two
other waifs-let it be deep."
"'Mu," exclaimed the boy, gazing down in
t) the back yard, where the young lady next
dl ;or was talking to his sister, "come and
look at the bonfire." She came and looked,
and then exclaimed: "My son, that isn't a
bonfire ; that's a spring bonnet."
The new girl had only been with them two
weeks when she came to say that she was go
ing away.
"Why ?" asked the lady.
"The place does not please me."
"Again, why ?"
"Well, monsieur is altogether too cold."
She had a beautiful diploma tied with pink
ribbon from one of our best young ladies'
colleges, In a conversation with a daring
and courageous young man, after he had de
tailed the dangers and delights of riding on
the locomotive, she completely upset his
opinion of independent education of the
sexes by inquiring : "How do they steer
locomotives, anyhow ?"
Pretty little prattler (after the wedding
breakfast-departure of the happy pair)
"Why do they throw things at the pretty lady
in the carriage ?" Young lady-"For luck,
dear." Child--"And why doesn't she throw
them back !" "Young lady-"Oh, that
would be rude." Child (promptly)-"No, it
would not. Ma does !" Pleasant for ma
and pa-who overhear, and know that others
overhear also.
At the dance, the other evening he was in
troduced to a very becoming miss, and so, of
course, was doing his best to merit his good
iuck. Feeling a sudden indisposition, he ex
cused himself for a minute, and, on return
ieji, was in the act of removing a few kernels
of coffee from his vest pocket, when the
damsel astonished him by saying : "Don't
chew that; I had rather smell the straight
whisky." He didn't apologize.
"Yes," observed a friend the other even
ing, she certainly is very highly cultivated.
She is very stylish, plays well, sings well and
talks well; dances well, rides well, and suc
ceeds admirably in private theatricals. In
fact," he added, "ehe's just the kind of a girl
you'd like one of your friends to marry."
"Then you wouldn't care to marry her ?"
suggested Causeur.
"By no means, my dear fellow. What I
am looking for is a real nice girl."
"N o sir; no man shall ever kiss me except
my future husband," she said, as he was
about leaving her at the front gate.
"Suppose I agree to be your future-"
"Why, then I'll kiss you," she replied,
eagerly, and she did.
Her mother was informed that he had pro
posed, and the old lady called around the
next day to fasten matters, and before he
knew it he was eternally booked. It was a
mean advantage, but a bird in hand is worth
two at the front gate.
Honesty the Best Policy.
He told the superintendent he wanted a
pass to Chicago.
"Ah, you're a worthy citzen who has been
robbed and who wants to get home," said the
superintendent. "I see such every day."
"No sir, I'm not," replied the petitioner.
"You are dying of a wound received in
the war, maybe, and want to see home once
more."
"Nary a wound. I played sick and stayed
in the hospital while in the army."
"Did, eh ? Well, maybe you've got a
child dying that you want to see ?"
"Not a bit of it."
"Well, now I reckon I can guess your
yarn pretty soon. You once saved a train
on this road from being wrecked."
"No, I didn't."
"Well, what in thunder is your excuse for
asking a pass."
"Just this. I'm a beat and a bum. I
want to get to Chicago and I don't want to
hoof it. I came to ask a pass on clear
cheek,"
"Well, durn your impudence, I like it.
Here's your pass.
The NIhllsts' Mloney.
The Moscow Viedomoaty directs attention
to the profusion of money which the Nihi
lists seem to have at their disposal, and
observes: No pecuniary resources at all
comparable to it have ever been possessed
by the socialists of other countries. These
latter have 'always attempted to carry out
their plots in the cheapest way possible, gen
erally with a knife or a revolver. With us
(Russians), on the contrary, all anarchical
attempts, of the last three or four years at
any rate, have proved to be the result of a
complete system of revolutionary organiza
tion, having adequate means for the support
of its members and suborning persons to
carry out whatever behests might be re
quired of them. The source from which
the Russian anarchists obtain these pecuniary
means remains a mystery; but the required
funds are always at their service.
Grand Opening of New Goods
AT
-0---
We have just received a large and full line of
Men's, Boys' and Children's Spring and Summer
AND FURNISHING GOODS,
BOOTS, SHOES, HATS, CAPS,
Rubber and Gum Boots and Gum Clothing,
TRUNKS, VALISES, ETC.
Which we offer to the public;at prices which will DEF'Y COMPETITION. We allow
none to undersell us, and have
Call and see our goods and judge for yourselves.
-o
We sell only Perfect Fitting Carments, and employ Tailors
for that especial purpose.
-0--
Orders by Mail or Express carefully filled without delay. Extra inducements given to the
Wholesale Trade.
HIRSHBERG & NATHAN,
Front St., Fort Benton, M. T.
. !. - ------. ._:.-. ,
-- ,\44kt.lfbI·\-kI
,
SMOWER, .TABLE-RNAKE
P HARVESTER & BIN.D R,
PFOR SALE BY
MURPHY, NEEL & CO.,
Corner of Front and Benton Sts., BENTON,M. T.
W. E. TURNER, M. D.
PHYSICIAN AND SURCEON,
-DEALER IN
PERFUMERY, TOILET ARTICLES,
Paints, Oils, Varnishes, Brushes and Glass, Cigars, Notions
Confectionery, Etc.
FRESH CARDEN SEEDS.
THE FINEST SELECTED STOCK OF WALL PAPER IN BENTON.
Front Street, - - - Fort Benton, M. T.
$18. $18. $18. $18.
An American Watch in a 4-oz Silver Case, for $18
(Fully Warranted.)
hil1 S1eevo Bitto lllIIal from Molltuia
Gold, AlayJ. in Stock
Agents For White's Sewing Machine.
Watches, and orders sent by mail, will receive prompt attention, and satisfaction guaran
teed in every instance.
W. C. BAILEY, Helena1, M. T.
NEW AND FRESH GOODS!
Just received and in transit greatly exceed former purchases, in low prices, quality
and quantity.
Will present during the season the finest lines of
Stock for the Retail and Jobbing Trade in
Ever brought to Benton. It is complete in every department, and close buyers will find
it to their interest to give it careful examination.
We make a specialty of fancy groceries and novelties, as well as carry the staple lines for
the wholesale market demanded in the Territory. Our purchases this season
as the largest ever made for Montana, and are especially heavy in
Canned Goods, Fancy Groceries, Cigars and Tobaccos.
WAGONS AND AGRICULTURAL IMPLEMENTS!
All the styles of wagons and carriages used in Montana, of the very best make and mate
rials, from the heaviest freight wagon to the light carriage or phaeton.
We are the Largest Dealers in the Territory
In every variety of FARM NC MACHINE OR IMPLEMENT including
threshing machines, reapers and mowers, hay rakes, sulky plows, beam plows,
wind mills, and all the tools and machinery used in modern farming,
And Can Sell Cheaper Than Any other House.
Ladd's Tobacco and Hill's Extra Tobacco Sheep Dip.
We are making a specialty of sheep dip and recommend the above as the cheapest, safest
and most effective. Also other dips, of which sheep men can get what they
want cheaper than anywhere else.
OENERAL MERCHANDISE,
Consisting of Clothing, boots and shoes, and every article required in the Indian and fur
trade, a large supply of the best grades. The most diversified stock in Benton.
Everything a Stockman, Farmer, Miner or Mechanic Wants, at the Very
Lowest Rates.
We pay the Highest Prices for Hides, Furs and Peltries,
T. C. POWER & BR
1881 1881.
OPENING OF NAVIGATION.
WILL RUN FOUR OF THE
Finest and Fastest Boats on the River
DURING THE SEASON,
CARRYINGC UNITED STATES MAIL,
And American, North Pacific and Benton Line Express
-TO
FORT BENTON,
Leaving Bismarok Every Saturday Evening During Navigation,
0
Steamer Renton,
Leaves St. Louis, Saturday, March 26th.
0o
Steme Helena,
Leaves Yankton, Saturday, April 2d.
0
LeavesYankton, Saturday, April 9th.
-o-
Steamer lack Eills,
Leaves Sioux City, Saturday, April 16th.
----O
For Rates of Freight or Passage, apply to
T. C. POWER & BRO., Fort Benton, M. T.
T. C, POWER & CO., Helena, N. T.
A. II. HANNAFORD, N. P. R. R., St. Paul, Minn,
JOHN H. CHARLES, Sioux City, Iowa.
I. P. BAKER, No. 308 North Commercial Street, St. Louis
Order all Express fromn the East Via ATIER ICAN AND NORTHERN PACIFIC.
Mark all goods Benton *P" Line Care N. P. H. R.
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